Nick Quotes in R.I.P.D. (2013)

Roy Pulsipher: One of them coyotes, he made love to my skull. You know what that practice is commonly called?

Nick: I do... and I certainly hope he got both eyes, Roy.

[last lines]

Roy Pulsipher: I knew you weren't happy with Grandpa Chen, so I pulled a few strings, for you some new ID.

Nick: Thank you. Thank you, Roy. I mean that. This is great.

[looks in his new wallet]

Nick: Oh, you gotta be shitting me.

Roy Pulsipher: Ah, I did what I could. Inventory is what it is.

Nick: [looking in the wallet] You thought this was an improvement?

Nick's New Avatar: [Gets in the car and drives off]

Roy Pulsipher: The universe, in its ultimate wisdom, will not let you reveal yourself. It's smarter than us.

Nick: That's sick.

Roy Pulsipher: Consider it the universe's witness protection program.

Nick: Relax body.

[Throws Roy into the path of a bus]

Nick: When exactly was your day?

Roy Pulsipher: 1800s, buddy. I'm what we used to call a lawman. Marshal Roysephus Pulsiper.

Nick: Roysephus?

Roy Pulsipher: It was considered a very sexy name at the time.

Nick: It sounds like an STD.

Nick: [cocks gun in his face]

Hayes: Well, partner?

Nick's Avatar: I have a new partner.

[fires]

Roy Pulsipher: Fun, Right?

Nick: Don't tense up!

[Throws Roy in front of a moving bus]

[first lines]

Nick: You think *you've* had a bad day at work? I think I got you beat.

[big fat monster guy crashes through]

Nick: That's not me.

[Roy taking chase]

Nick: Nope, that's my partner.

Pulaski: Suck it!

Nick: There I am. Three or four days ago, I didn't know this world existed. But three or four days ago, I wasn't in the Rest In Peace Department...

Nick: What's with the Steely Dan?

[Hey Nineteen - Steely Dan in the background]

Proctor: No idea. It's always on. Seems to relax people.

Nick: Whatever's waiting for you on the other side is gonna be *bad.* But don't worry, it's only forever.

Nick: I'm dead?

Proctor: Let's be honest. Being a dirty cop is one of the higher shot-in-the-face percentage jobs.

[R.I.P.D. headquarters exits out into a VCR repair shop in Boston]

Nick: You ever think about hiding this place a little better?

Roy Pulsipher: When was the last time you got a VCR repaired?

Nick: [eyeing the shop clerk] Point taken.

[repeated line]

Roy Pulsipher, Nick: [when in apparent mortal danger] Relax body!

Roy Pulsipher: Let's learn you a few things about Old West fighting! First,

[Roy shoots, erasing a deado]

Roy Pulsipher: Only a novice hides in a church steeple. It's the first place I'm gonna look. Second place, hotel window, every time.

[shoots again, but doesn't hit anything]

Nick: I guess there's only one novice in their crew.

[Nick and Roy both turn and fire, erasing a deado on a building roof]

Roy Pulsipher: Sometimes the window guy is on the roof.

Nick: [preparing for a drug raid] Now, stand by for inspiring, motivating words from Detective Bobby Hayes.

Hayes: How about we don't get shot today?

Nick: You frosty?

Roy Pulsipher: Icy hot, partner!

Hayes: Hey Nick, remember when I got shot, I got that medal and you couldn't believe I pulled through?

Nick: Wild guess. You didn't pull through?

Hayes: What, get killed by some junkie and go to hell because I took a little on the side to pay for lap dances? No, I don't think so.

Nick: There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, warts, politicians...

Jack Slater: You already mentioned them.

Nick: I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.

Nick: Could I have the ticket back, please?

Danny Madigan: Well, um, we've got this one little... um, hiccup.

Nick: What do you mean "hiccup?"

Danny Madigan: Benedict's here too and he's got the ticket.

Nick: That madman with the glass eye?

[turns to Jack]

Nick: How the hell are you gonna get back?

Jack Slater: That's a good question. But wouldn't want to "nitpick." Right, Danny?

Nick: This is a wonderful moment for me, Mr. Slater. I've never met a fictional character before. How new and exciting this must all be for you.

Jack Slater: Hey, I just found out I was imaginary. I mean, how would you feel is somebody made you up? Your job, your marriage, your kids. Oh, yeah. Let's push his son off the building. Gives you nightmares for the rest of your life. But you're fictional, so who cares? I'm sorry. But I don't find this new and exciting to discover that my whole life has been a damn movie.

Nick: Now, give me the fucking code.

Dwayne: Alright. 69-69-69.

Nick: [pauses] You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Chet: [gasp as Nick shows the bomb vest] What the fuck? Is that thing real?

Nick: Chet, if I don't get to the money in time. This thing gonna blow.

Chet: [angry] And your first though was to come to a school, filled with young children

Chet: Okay, climb through the window.

Nick: You climb through the window!

Chet: No, I'm holding the bag.

Nick: I'm holding the bomb!

[from trailer]

Nick: [unzips a vest to show a bomb strapped to his chest] Guess what? You just brought a gun to a bombfight, officer!

Nick: [to Mr. Fisher] Now, listen to me... We're obviously, uh, stealing the car! And you won't report it stolen until later tonight, let's say... 5 o'clock. Or 6, to be safe!

Chet: 6:15!

Nick: Yeah, right! 6:15.

Chet: Don't even bother calling the cops! We own the cops!

Kate: Why did that engine explode?

Nick: Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put in the back of that guy's van.

Chet: What? That's some John McClane shit! Yes!

Kate: How did you remember the code?

Nick: [hesitates] It doesn't matter. We are alive, and we are rich.

Chet: Okay, what if we saw off both of your arms, slip the vest over your head, than go to the hospital, they'll re-attach your arms. We'll just keep your arms on ice the whole time.

Nick: Fuck that!

Chet: I don't know what to do, man. All these sites have different shit. There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming community. What did they do in the Hurt Locker?

Chet: You wanna fuck my sister?

Nick: I said your sister was sexually attractive.

Chet: Uh, my twin sister? Which is basically like fucking me?

Nick: Remember graduation night?

Chet: When you were nailing Tina Scotto?

Nick: Actually, I was having the best night of my life with your sister.

Chet: [trying to pick out the right toy gun to buy and use in the robbery by practicing with it in the store] EVERYBODY! GET DOWN ON THE GR...

Nick: Shhh! Jesus!

Chet: [more quietly] Everybody! Get down on the ground NOW and go get us our money!

Nick: Uh, how are they supposed to get the money when you just told them...

Chet: Go get us our money and THEN everybody get down on the ground!

Nick: [fighting with Chet] You're twins. Did you feel it when I was fucking her?

Nick: I taught myself how to do this shit. Went online, looked all this up!

Dwayne: Oh I hear ya. I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair!

Kate: You're late.

Nick: No, no, I'm 45 minutes late, which is, like 10 minutes early for me.

Nick: Jesus Christ, I thought you Kitchen guys were tough guys.

Terry Noonan: We're not tough, Nick! We're just crazy.

Nick: You ain't either. You're a fuckin' crybaby.

Nick: Chief, am I gonna die?

Xavier: Yes, man... but we're gonna try to put it off for a little while, we're gonna take you to the hospital.

Nick: Are you sure about this, Neutron?

Jimmy: Well the data seems to support this hypothesis.

Sheen: [walking by and confusedly examining a piece of paper] Never... argue... with the data...

[the aliens are making the parents do a chicken dance]

Nick: They're making our parents dance so lame.

Carl: No, my dad really dances like that.

Jimmy: There's a 95 percent chance it'll work.

Cindy Vortex: And the other 5 percent?

Jimmy: We all get blown up.

[the crowd starts nervously chattering]

Jimmy: Hey, hey! Ninety-five is still an A.

Nick: I've never gotten a 95 in my life.

Nick: [driving the stolen car] You know you're crazy, don't you?

Sasha: Yeah, cuckoo crazy!

Nick: [after Sasha's confession, Nick needs the whole truth about his being in Alcatraz] Yo, you need to break a few things down to me.

Sasha: Yeah, what am I doing here? Maintaining my cover, earning your trust.

Nick: [dryly] You already screwed that up.

Sasha: The Bureau thought that if we did time together you might trust me with more sensitive information when we got back out on the streets.

Nick: [puzzled] Ya'll want Sonny that bad?

Sasha: [miserably] My wife's dead because of him. She died when one of his men jacked my car and put four bullets in her chest. You bet your life, I want him that bad.

Nick: [regretfully] I'm sorry man, I didn't know.

Sasha: [sighs] I don't know. She was the best part of me.

Sasha: [Sasha confesses to Nick about who he is] I'm undercover. F.B.I.

Nick: But you passed the lie detector test.

Sasha: That's nothing man. Anybody can do that.

Nick: [with anger in his voice] All this time... y ou've been settin' up on me.

[aims his weapon at Sasha]

Nick: I believed in you. I trusted you. Brought you into my family...

[shouts]

Nick: I vouched for you! And you betrayed me?

Sasha: It's not that simple.

Lester: [places hand on Nick's shoulder] Don't do it.

[Nick disarms himself, unable to shoot Sasha]

Sasha: [guilty expression on his face] Well, I'm sorry.

[Sasha walks away to take Lester to safety]

Nick: I thought we was friends, Sasha.

Sasha: [stops in his tracks] We still are. You can bet your life on that.

Nick: [SPOILER] I heard you busted Sonny.

Sasha: That's what I started out to do. I usually like to finish what I start.

Nick: You better not be playing me.

Sasha: You know me. I ain't playing.

Nick: [after seeing an inmate fall to his death climbing up a rope trying to escape] Damn!

Twitch: Your turn now Joe

Little Joe: My big black ass up that rope?

[Chuckles and playfully hits Nick]

Nick: Goddamn Joe!

Twitch: [to Nick] What about you, you little bitch? Wanna give it a try?

Nick: Nah, not me, that's not what I'm gonna do. But you, you can go on up there. Im gonna go over here, in my cell, watch you fall and bust your ass... you little biatch!

Nick: Two fridges. Welcome to suburbia.

Casey: Three happy years of veggie burgers and acidophilus.

Nick: [picks up frying pan in sink] Those are scrambled eggs.

Casey: Scrambled Tofutti.

Nick: [scoffs] Fuck, dude. Rod Serling's gonna step outta that fridge any second.

Nick: [Casey calls Nick in the car after found out about the drugs in the briefcase] Yeah?

Casey: I just wanna know one thing what kind of fucking drugs you're on?

Nick: What?

Casey: I wanna know what kind of FUCKING DRUGS YOU ARE ON THAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD BRING FUCKING SMACK INTO MY HOUSE?

Nick: The briefcase was closed, Case.

Casey: Yeah? Sue me.

Nick: It wasn't very trusty if you go through my shit.

Casey: This ain't exactly meant to borrow when you trade countier B, you've brought that shit in my house, in my home. Where you were invited to into as my FUCKING GUEST. You know what they did in Ancient Rome when a visitor violated somebody's hospitality? THEY CUT OFF HIS DICK AND THEY NAILED IT TO THE FUCKING GATE.

Nick: You see this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd have a little enthusiasm for this deal. I have a little business to finish up here in Houston and I wanted to tell "adios" face to face.

Casey: I want you to penal your ass back here, pick up your shit and get the fuck out of my house.

Nick: No can do, buddy. I appreciate your situation but I told ya I have a little unfinished business to take care of.

[Connects a silencer on his gun]

Casey: Through what?

Nick: Little unfinished business.

Casey: If you're not back here in fifteen minutes you're gonna have to pick up your shit for the police evidence room.

Nick: And tell them what? Your ex-partner had a step by with a basket full of goodies and you felt it was your moral obligation to turn them in? I don't think so.

Casey: Look, you lying piece of shit! Right now I have a little trouble coming up with reasons not to BLOW THE BACK OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF.

Nick: You don't sound like that happy suburban that I saw this morning. Don't forget...

[Knocks the phone on the wheel]

Nick: never can tell, they can listen us in. Just watch my shit, Case, I'll be back in a couple of hours, I'll pick my bags and I'll split.

Casey: Watch your shit? You're not hearing me, Nick, get...

Nick: Sorry, Case, time's up, gotta go.

[Hangs up]

Casey: Nick? Nick? Nick?

[In anger starts smashing the phone]

Casey: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Cop: Picard or Kirk?

Nick: No question... Kirk.

Cop: Hell yeah. You gotta respect a man who can fuck a green bitch and destroy an entire civilization in sixty minutes.

Casey: [Casey picks up the phone] Hello!

Nick: Hey Casey!

Casey: NICK! Man it's good to hear from you! God damn, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your visit.

Nick: I know you're pissed.

Casey: Pissed? Oh no, I'm not pissed. If you hadn't brought your friends along what would I have done with my day, Man? I had missed out on being beaten, raped, abused, tied up, general fucked up. And not to mention what you have done for my house.

[He looks around in the kitchen]

Casey: What would you call it? Early gothic horror.

Dallas: Just get the fucking coffee and let's go.

Billy Hill: This ain't exactly Brazil. I coulda pissed you a fuckin' cup by now.

Nick: [to Cashier] HEY? You're out of Chocolate Mac!

Cashier: Sorry. No Chocolate Macadamia. You will please have something else?

Nick: [filling cup] Fuckin' Hazelnut...

Cashier: [ringing up cash register] That will be one dollar and eight cents.

Nick: The sign says "All coffee: 69 cents."

Cashier: I am very sorry, but that is a 44-ounce cup and the largest coffee cup is 20 ounces. Therefore, I must charge you 99 cents, plus tax, the price of a large fountain drink.

Nick: That's bullshit! That sign says "Coffee: all sizes", not "all sizes up to 20 ounces."

Cashier: I'm humbly sorry, but you must pay 99 cents, plus tax, for that cup.

Dallas: Just pay the bitch the dollar-eight and let's get the FUCK outta here!

Nick: Fine, but it's bullshit. Just get me my fuckin' snackie cake.

Cashier: I'm sorry. I cannot do that. That is *only* available with the 20-ounce coffee. That is not a 20-ounce coffee.

Billy Hill: This bitch is gettin' on my nerves, man. Forget it!

Dallas: Just give him the fuckin' danish.

Nick: That sign says, "Free snackie cake." I paid a dollar and eight cents for my coffee. I want my free snackie cake!

Cashier: I *cannot* do that.

Dallas: [puts snackie cake on the counter] Here. Hmmm? Take it!

Nick: That's apple cinnamon! I wanted cream cheese.

Billy Hill: For fuck's sake, pay her the money and let's go.

Nick: [scoffs] Fine! Either of you got something smaller than a Ben?

Cashier: [Billy opens his case and hands Nick a $50] I'm sorry. I cannot accept any moneys over a $20 bill.

Billy Hill: [frustrated] That's it...

Cashier: I should not sell it to you anyway, as that cup is very hot and might burn you. You are very strange. I'm going to call the police.

Dallas: Fuck this. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!... BLAM!

Nick: Ballpean's Casa, 7 o'clock.

Casey: Where the fuck a nigger get a name like that?

Nick: You seen Little Nigger's arm, right?

Casey: Oh, yeah.

Nick: That's why they call him Ballpean.

Casey: He broke Jimmy's arm?

Nick: With a 10-pound ballpean hammer. Three years ago, Lester James, AKA Ballpean, was a big stud motherfucker. Had a stable of bitches he fucked on a regular basis, but every couple of weeks he went out to get some strange...

Nick: One night Lester finds himself in this titty bar, and this KNOCKOUT white girl named Raven is just gyrating her little tits off. Well, Lester wanted her, in the WORST way. Even MORE when she told him to go fuck himself. He just sprinkles a little fairy dust on her, some how gets her to go back to his place. Well, that was all she wrote. He ABUSED this bitch. He FUCKED her every way that you can think of and THEN some. Finally, he gets ready to go AGAIN and he figures he'd really degrade this bitch and make her blow him. So, he pushes her head down, and BAM! She bites that motherfucker's dick clean off. Now, fortunately, they found it, and they sewed it back on - but it never worked right again...

Nick: The problem is, a story like that gets around. You know how it is? So, to combat this, any time he even heard anybody talk about it, he'd use his fuckin' hammer on 'em. Ballpean kinda stuck.

[Nick arrives at Casey's door, looking like a gangster]

Casey: Turn around and put your hands on the wall.

Nick: [scoffs] What?

Casey: Turn around and put your hands on that wall.

Nick: You're kidding, right?

[Casey crosses his arms and exhales]

Nick: You're not gonna try and fuck me, are you?

Casey: [patting Nick down] You wish.

Nick: This isn't exactly how I envisioned our re-union going.

[Casey spins Nick around, bear hugs him, and picks him up]

Nick: Oh, god damn! Ah! You had me going.

Casey: God damn! Good to see you.

[Casey pushes Nick and kisses him jokingly on the cheek]

Casey: You wanna beer?

Nick: When's the last time you had a beer at 8 in the morning?

Casey: About three and a half years ago.

Cop: Who do you like better, Picard or Kirk?

Nick: Oh, there's no question about it. Kirk.

Cop: You bet! You gotta respect a guy who can fuck a green bitch and destroy a whole civilization, all in 60 minutes.

Nick: [watch inscription] Never forget who you are. If you do, you die. Love Nick.

[Nick has just eaten an unborn chick directly from the egg to improve relations with the tribe]

Nick: So you guys eat this all the time or is just for... uhm... ceremonies?

Po: Are you kidding? We don't eat that shit!

Nick: [to Keefer] Welcome to Hell.

[repeated line]

Nick: Sweden, like me.

Lyle: This time you'll be working in a beautiful, warm and very tropical paradise!

Nick: I hate the heat.

Warren: Will it help if we say who recommended you?

Nick: I know who recommended me.

Nick: Why didn't you recommend Keefer?

Colonel Merrick: Keefer... This op, for what I'm told, isn't just slash and burn. This one calls for the touch of the poet.

Blades: What colour?

[Nick stares at him]

Blades: What colour is the people you want me to shoot at, man?

Nick: Lighter than you but darker than me.

Ocker: [sitting in front of the gorilla's cage at the zoo] I know they're doomed. You can see it in the eyes. Ten, twenty years they'll be extinct.

Nick: I was surprised to hear you were still breathing yourself.

Ocker: The world is dying, Nick. It needs a witness.

Po: You want some company tonight, boss? Loki! Can be pretty lonely in the jungle.

Nick: No, I don't need any company.

Jimmy G: [whispering] Shit, I'll take her Nick!

[Nick stares badly at him]

Nick: Alright, I want you to take me on a guided tour of the shitpile.

Po: Sure thing, boss!

Nick: Keep your eyes open back here.

Nolan: [mimicking Po] Sure thing, boss!

Nick: C'mon, how do you defend yourselves?

Po: What to defend? A couple of trees, lot of rock, bird shit on everything.

Loki: My mother want to know if you fall from the sky with jellyfish, but I tell her you wash upon sand like garbage.

Nick: Thank you.

Nick: You're a pain in the ass, you know that?

Loki: My... my father say same thing.

Nick: You want me to kill for bird shit?

Lyle: Why not? You've done that for less!

Nick: Allright. As of now, I take control of this island. Anyone fucks with it, fucks with me!

Nolan: Found the jade, didn't you?

Nick: There's no jade. It's bird shit.

Nolan: Bird shit? Oh boy... what do you think I am, an idiot?

Nick: Where's everybody?

Po: They're with the dead.

Po: The spirit has been gone a long time, but will run back to us. We will fight.

Nick: Like the Old People?

Po: Old People story is bullshit. We are the Old People.

Nick: [to a mercenary who tried to shoot him in the back but got burned by the backfire of the bazooka] Don't sneak up on people.

Nick: Where you'll go?

Grace Lashield: Home.

Nick: Where's that?

Grace Lashield: Don't ask.

[last lines]

Po: We have a legend. It tells of a man who comes far from the oceans and save us from great danger.

Nick: Really?

Po: No. But I'm working on it.

Nick: Keefer?

Colonel Merrick: Yeah, the three of us back together again. Better to keep an army intact than to destroy it. So on, son. I envy you. You're gonna die for something you believe in.

Nick: Grace's on the mission.

[to his men]

Nick: Her cut comes out your pay.

Nick: Are you from around here?

Dancer: Born this bar, room down the hall.

Nick: Do you ever wish it was like it used to be, before we came?

Dancer: [gestures to bed impatiently] You wanna fuck, twenty dollar! You wanna make friend, cost more!

Nick: No shit.

Nick: [He hits Keefer in the head with an ancient tribal axe; the axe shatters] Fuck.

Nick: There once was a maiden named Starkey who had an affair with a darkey. The result of her sins was quadruplets, not twins: One white, one black, and two khaki.

Nick: This girl is trouble, Ned. A pirate in love is like a fish out of water. Both are where they shouldn't be. But only the fish has sense enough to know it.

[as newly-freed Jane Barnet and Captain Lynch kiss]

Nick: We've come to make war, Captain, not love!

Nick: [Hoping that the outnumbered Major Folly will not fight to a certain death] It would be a major blunder, Major Folly.

Nick: A woman's place is between the sheets. I suspect there's more to this wench than that.

Bob: I didn't know you smoked.

Nick: Just after sex, Bob. I'm trying to give it up.

Bob: Well, at least you don't smoke that much.

Nick: About a pack a day.

Bob: That'll kill ya!

Nick: Bob, it won't kill ya. But it will make you very sore.

Nick: [pouring gasoline on the car] It's gonna get hot in the car, Bob.

Nick: Will you look at the tits on this guy?

Nick: [Nick meets Bob for the first time, after having surprised him while hiding in Bob's garage] That was good. That thing with the cabinets? It was terrific... Nick Pirandello, CIA. And you're Bob Wilson, right? You know, while I was looking around for something to work with - I hope you don't mind me using some of your stuff - anyway, I came across the letters you wrote to your wife before you were married. You're beautiful, Bob. Some of the sentiments blew me away. One question, though: what was that thing that she did in Santa Barbara... that you keep pleading with her to do again? Bet it felt pretty good, huh, Bob?

Bob: [Annoyed] What do you want?

Nick: You've got a sense of humor Bob... I like that in a man.

Bob: What do you like in a woman?

Nick: Big tits.

Bob: What are they trying to do?

Nick: They're trying to kill me. They know I can't afford a loss like that.

Nick: Is my presence here upsetting you, Bob?

Bob: Hell no!

Nick: You sure?

Bob: [Sarcastically] You kidding? Welcome. Nice to see you.

Nick: Yeah? Maybe if I let you hold the gun...

Nick: [Nick holds up his revolver] ... you'd feel more comfortable.

Bob: [Reluctant] Oh, I don't know. Maybe.

Nick: Well, why don't you try?

Bob: Really?

Nick: Yeah.

Bob: Thank you.

Nick: There you go. You're welcome.

Nick: [Nick gives Bob the revolver, then turns and walks away. Bob wildly attempts to shoot Nick in the back with the revolver, only to discover that it isn't loaded] You don't have to test it, Bob. The gun is empty.

Bob: Really?

Nick: [Pulls out a large semiautomatic pistol] THIS one's loaded. You want to be careful with this one, Bob.

Nick: We're as safe here as we are anywhere.

Bob: How safe is that?

Nick: Oh, not very.

Bob: They're gonna shoot at us, aren't they?

Nick: Probably, Bob. It's what they brought the guns for.

Bob: You're kidding! What idiots think up something like that?

Nick: I dunno Bob, I think there's a special department of idiots in the White House who do that.

Nick: [after shooting a breaking-in Russian spy while hiding under the blanket and on top of a girl in the bed] You've done your country a great service!

Woman in Bed: [smiling] Would you like me to do it again?

Nick: [to Eddie] This gun is my judge, my jury... and my executioner!

Nick: How's it going?

Eddie Marino: Vickie's not comming back. That's how it's going.

Nick: I see. You blame yourself, huh? Is that why you're running?

Eddie Marino: I'm getting out of here as fast as I can. That's it. I don't want the police or that gang to come back around here looking for retribution. Look that this. Ten years of my fucking life with this plastic shit. There's gotta be someplace I can start my life over. I don't know where, Nick... But not here where they can kick your ass anytime they feel like it. I don't know anymore.

Nick: Yeah man, I know how you feel.

Eddie Marino: No, you don't. My neighbors... they all saw what happened and they didn't do shit. They never called the police nor gave a statement.

Nick: Forget it, Eddie. They're victims, man. They gave up fighting a long time ago.

Eddie Marino: Everybody's a victim. So what?

Nick: You're still walking around in the dark, man. You wanna run? Go ahead. After you, then Burke, Ramon, and maybe me. But I'll tell you this. Sooner or later we're gonna run out of places to hide. What do we do then? Huh? Climb on some high mountain where it's nice and safe like in the suburbs? Wrong! After those punks and scum finish turning this whole neighborhood into a cesspool, what makes you think they're not gonna look up at that high mountain of ours and want that too? The word is out on the street, man. The bottom is about to fall out. They want us bad, but they're coming after you first. These are our homes. We give 'em up... and we've got nothing! Fight for it, Eddie. Fight for it!

Blueboy: You're in my way, bro.

Nick: No shit.

[first lines]

Nick: Hey, I don't know about you guys, but me... I've had it up to here. There are some 40-odd homicides a day on our streets. There are over two million illegal guns in this city. Man, that's enough guns to invade a whole damn country with. They shoot a cop in our city without thinking twice about it. Aw, come on. You guys ride the subway. How much more of this grief are we gonna stand for? How many more locks we gotta put on our goddamn doors? Now, we ain't got the police, the prosecutors, the courts or the prisons. I mean, it's over. The books don't balance. We are a statistic. Now, I'm tellin' ya, when you can't go to the corner store and buy a pack of cigarettes after dark... because you know the punks and scum are out there on the streets when the sun goes down, and our own government can't protect its own people, then I say this, pal: you got a moral obligation, the right of self-preservation. Now, you can run, you can hide, or you can start to live like human beings again. This is our Waterloo, baby! You want your city back? You gotta take it. Dig it? Take it!

Nick: You won't be happy till you've got your own set of balls!

Karen Walker: Honey, I've got balls. Yours.

Nick: Who the fuck is this girl, Bruce Lee?

Stevie: Nah, she's better than that. Chuck Norris.

Nick: What are you talking about?

Stevie: He's alive.

Solitaire: Thank you for all of your help. Now that Magmar's been defeated he knows that we're a force to be reckoned with.

Nuggit: Hey Scooter thanks for fixing my jetpacks for me.

Scooter: Just remember practise makes perfect.

Brimstone: Once we've defeated Magmar for good we can start to rebuild.

Leader-1: Call us if you need any help.

Solitaire: We will.

Nick: [as Narliephant jumps up and sniffs Scooter] I think he wants you to stay Scoot.

Scooter: Don't worry boy. I'll be back.

Turbo: Time to go Scooter.

[Everyone says their goodbyes]

[last lines]

Nick: Here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'd have all the eggs we could eat.

Fetcher: Right. We'll need a chicken, then.

Nick: No... no, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first, that's where you get the chicken from.

Fetcher: No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where are you going to get the egg?

Nick: From the chicken that comes from the egg.

Fetcher: Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken.

Nick: Yeah, but you've got to get the chicken first to get the egg, and then you get the egg... to get the chicken out of...

Fetcher: Hang on. Let's go over this again?

Nick: [on the chickens' plane before take-off, pointing then crossing his arms to point] The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees...

Fetcher: and kiss your bum goodbye!

Nick: Poultry in motion.

[Babs falls from they sky, nearly on their heads]

Nick: What's this caper love?

Babs: We're flying!

Nick: [wryly] Obviously.

[spots the intense attempts at flying]

Nick: Flippin' 'ell! Look at this, Fetch.

Fetcher: They're gonna kill themselves!

[Beat]

Fetcher: Wanna watch?

Nick: [Ponders] Yeah, all right.

Nick: What are you sobbin' about, you nancy?

Fetcher: Little moments like this, mate. It's what makes the job all worthwhile. Wanna dance?

Nick: ...Yeah, all right.

[telling Rocky about a caper]

Nick: We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet like.

Fetcher: Like a fish.

Nick: Yeah, and we... "Like a fish"? You stupid norbert.

[encouraging after a failed day of "flying"]

Rocky: Ducky, I think you flew four feet today!

Nick: Right, four feet! From the roof to the ground.

Rocky: Guys, you are without a doubt the sneakiest, most light-fingered thieving parasites I've ever met.

Nick: [flattered] Oh, don't, don't. Stop it!

Fetcher: I've gone bright red.

Nick: Imagine a world before chickens - a chickenless, eggless world...

Fetcher: I am - and it's horrible.

Nick: Eggs from heaven.

Fetcher: No! From her bum.

Ginger: We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable.

Nick: And so are we.

[Packing up to leave]

Nick: After you, Fetcher.

Fetcher: ...After I what?

Nick: Move!

[Bunty is about to be shot out of a slingshot]

Fetcher: The tension's killing me.

Nick: It's gonna kill her.

Ginger: We need some more things.

Nick: Right you are, miss.

[opens suitcase and pulls out thimbles]

Nick: How about this quality, handcrafted tea set?

Ginger: No, thanks.

Fetcher: [holding a drain plug on a chain] Or this lovely necklace and pendant?

Ginger: It's love...

Nick: [holding a shuttlecock] Or this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paree? Simply pop it on like so...

[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up]

Nick: And as the French hens say, "Voilá!"

Fetcher: That is French.

Nick: It's two hats in one, miss. For parties...

[turns shuttlecock over]

Nick: For weddings. Oh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream.

Fetcher: Like a duck!

Nick: [hearing of eggs] Right. Just like the ones that rooster was gonna lay. Only roosters don't lay eggs, do they?

Fetcher: Don't they?

Nick: No, it's a lady thing, apparently - ask your mum.

Nick: [of the radio] Well, here she is. Ask and you shall receive.

Fetcher: That's Biblical.

Nick: That's real craftmanship, is what it is. Solid as a rock.

Fetcher: [Fbangs on it; a knob flies off and hits a chicken] It's supposed to do that.

Nick: We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet like...

Fetcher: Like a fish!

Nick: Yeah, and we...

[turns to Fetcher]

Nick: "Like a fish"? You stupid norbert.

Nick: What's the first thing you do when you step onto a plane? Maybe you have a sip of that fine champagne? You do fly in first class, right?

Cliff: I put away my shit like everyone else.

Nick: Well, when I board a plane, making my way back to the cheap seats, I clock every door. I pace off the distance between those exits and my seat. That plane loses power on takeoff, I can make egress in the dark, totally blind. If the aisle crowds up, I'm going to climb over the back on 36D, guy with that shiny-ass toupee, make the over the wing exit. And I know the handle swings down not up. And I know the door swings in not out. And I know all that inside of 30 seconds, before they even pop the cork for you up there in Hollywood class. See, if you wait till the emergency happens before you decide what to do, you're already dead.

Cydney: What chance do you have of that happening?

Nick: Happened in Sioux City.

Cydney: Sioux City?

Nick: DC-10. If rolled 4 times on landing. Wound up in an Iowa cornfield, 112 people dead.

Cydney: Yeah, I remember watching that on TV.

Nick: Yeah. I saw if from the inside.

Gina: He is really hard to kill.

Nick: You know, if you're so fricking smart you could play stupid once in awhile.

Gina: That'd be your job.

Gina, Nick: [last lines - in unison] I don't need no honeymoon / let's not do a honey moon...

Cliff: So you were like Special Ops. What were you Seals? Rangers?

Nick: Officially, I'm only allowed to say that I've been a sworn officer participating in a phase of certain missions that would make most men want to crawl up and hide inside their own assholes.

Cydney: and unofficially?

Nick: I'm a goddamn American Jedi. Possible title number one, by the way.

Nick: Hey, see this? Took a frag from a Bouncing Betty. It's an antipersonnel mine. Caved in the back of my fucking head. Medevaced out to Germany. Got my skull rebuilt with space-age titanium. Can't go through a metal detector without ringing cherries, but that's cool. Let's me travel with Gilligan just about wherever I want.

Cydney: Gilligan?

Nick: My little buddy

Cliff: That's some toothpick

Nick: Here's the kicker, though. When I took that shrapnel, I never felt it. I mean, I felt the impact and I felt my backside go all wet, but no real pain. Now, maybe I don't recall the events in full. They did scoop out a little gray Spam back there, but get this. My wolf pack? They will swear that I was ambulatory for more than 17 minutes before they forced me to lie down. Tackled me. Even then I was looking to monkey-fuck a Marlboro Light. There's no nerve endings in the brain Cliff. Remember that when you write the scene.

Cliff: Yeah, there's some really good details there.

Gina: Yeah, he's really hard to kill.

Cliff: Ah I bit my tongue, I hate that.

Nick: That's gonna stop hurting in a second...

Nick: Outstanding!

Cydney: Well, um... how close is it?

Nick: It's like everything else in Hawaii, as close as far away gets.

Nick: [handing her the ring] This is for you.

Gina: Holy crap.

Gina: Did you get it from the store in Honolulu?

Nick: eBay.

Gina: How long have you had it?

Nick: Year and a half.

Gina: A year and a half? Well what were you waitin' for you dumb bastard!

Nick: The right moment...

Gina: Baby, you are a man in full.

Nick: Keep shaking that bush Luke, so we know where you are... keep shakin' that bush!

Nick: Those boys are comin' in heavy, you might want to hang back and let 'em do their thing.

Nick: That cannot possibly be one of the four major food groups

Sam: It's a casserole genius.

[Sam is playing Zelda II The Adventures Of Link]

Nick: Pop I think we got it.

Sam: Wait a second. I'm on the sixth palace of Hyrule. Yeah! I got past the river devil.

Nick: Terrific.

[Turns off the Nintendo]

Sam: What the hell are you doing? I had the magic key. I got the cross. I was closing in on the barbarian!

Nick: You're losing it pop.

[Sam is driving]

Sam: Hey where the hell are we?

[eats a donut]

Nick: What is that? Donuts?

Sam: Yeah. So?

Nick: That's disgusting.

Sam: Ha ha. From the guy who steals my pickup, who stays up drinking. From the guy with a foul mouth, that's a compliment.

Nick: You know Bateman, I always knew that you were a jerk. I just until now thought that it was guilt by association.

Nick: You eat the casserole.

Nick: This is your last warning.

[Adam chucks a lamp at him]

Nick: Okay, I'll give you one more warning.

Wayne: I blew up the baby!

[Diane faints]

Adam: Mama fall down! Mama!

Nick: [appears from behind Adam] How'd she take it?

Wayne: About like usual.

Adam: Mama sleeping?

Nick: Dad, were you ever popular in school?

Wayne: You bet. I was president of the astronomy club three years in a row. We were happenin' guys.

Nick: Adam! Don't eat us!

Nick: Here's the thing you've got to learn about women: They're a lot like people, and...

Chopper: You reckon he'd want to throw a bit of cash my way?

Nick: Yeah, nah, I don't think he'd go for that.

Chopper: Well fuck him, he'll have to go for it. Nev?

Neville Bartos: Yeah?

Chopper: I hear you want to give me some money.

Nick: He's not your enemy.

Chopper: Well he fuckin' is now.

Neville Bartos: [Chopper shoots Neville Bartos] Ooooo.

Nick: [Nick rushes into frame to help Neville Bartos] Get a rag!

Chopper: Forget the rag boys.

Nick: [looking bored] Look it's five minutes to show; why do we always have to cut this so close?

JC: [putting his arm around Nick's shoulder] Come here, okay? The secret to success... is *relaxation*.

Nick: I'm relaxed.

JC: No. You know there was another guy in my band who couldn't relax either? To be honest with you, he was just as good a singer as me and the other guy.

Nick: [still looking bored] Justin... Timberlake?

JC: Whoever. Anyway, he should have been front and center more than he was, but he was *in* the closet, dealing with some personal issues. I'm not gonna say who it was.

Nick: [matter-of-factly] It was Lance Bass.

JC: So... You know what I'm talking about?

Nick: I don't think I do.

[last lines]

Nick: [smiling widely] What'd you think?

Chloe: A little pitchy.

Nick: Uh yeah I'm out of practice.

[kisses Chloe]

Chloe: Seriously, I can't keep up with your sexual workload.

Malcolm: Well what about you and Nick? How many times did y'all do it a week?

Chloe: I don't know, three, or four.

Malcolm: Ha!

[starts chuckling]

Chloe: What?

[Malcolm continues to laugh]

Malcolm: Awh, honey.

Chloe: What do you- What is wrong with that?

Malcolm: [to Nick, who's just arrived] Come here. Nicky, come here. You mean to tell me, you were only entering this beautiful creature three or four times in a *week*?

Nick: [Seriously] Yeah, but... To be fair, she was also entering *me* three or four times a week, so...

[Chloe starts laughing]

Nick: ... It's not so bad.

Malcolm: I like that.

Jackie: You were a virgin when we were seeing each other.

Nick: Yeah, I was twelve.

Sam Weber: [Sam enters a room where Nick is up late watching TV] What's this?

Nick: I'm not sure.

Sam Weber: What's it about?

Nick: I don't know.

Sam Weber: [Sam shakes his head, pats Nick on the shoulder, then sits in a nearby chair] Who's that?

Nick: I think the guy in the hat did something terrible.

[shot of TV shows a man being thrown through the glass window of a door; all the people on the TV screen are wearing hats]

Sam Weber: Like what?

Nick: You're so analytical! Sometimes you just have to let art... flow... over you.

[Sam rolls his eyes]

Harold: I always thought masturbation was the ultimate act of self-absorption.

Sam Weber: Do you jerk off?

Harold: Does a bear have fleas?

Sam Weber: No, no, "Does a bear shit in the woods?"

Harold: Does a bear jerk off?

Nick: You know, I shit in the woods, but I can't jerk off.

Harold: Nick, help me with all these bleeding hearts!

Nick: I know what Alex would say.

Harold: What?

Nick: What's for dessert?

Harold: [Harold, Sam, and Nick are trying to chase a bat out of the attic] I'll open the window, maybe it'll split.

[He opens the window; two more bats fly in]

Nick: Good, now we've got a fair fight.

Meg: The last time I spoke with Alex, we had a fight. I yelled at him.

Nick: That's probably why he killed himself... What was the argument about?

Meg: I told him he was wasting his life.

Sam Weber: Do you think we're all trying trying to avoid dealing with Alex? You know, every time it comes up somebody changes the subject.

Nick: Hey, it's a dead subject.

Chloe: You remind me of Alex.

Nick: I ain't him.

Chloe: Alex and I made love the night before he died. It was fantastic.

[pause]

Nick: He went out with a bang, not a whimper.

Sam Weber: Hey, Nick? You know, we go back a long way, and I'm not gonna piss that away 'cause you're higher than a kite.

Nick: Wrong, a long time ago we knew each other for a short period of time; you don't know anything about me. It was easy back then. No one had a cushier berth than we did. It's not surprising our friendship could survive that. It's only out there in the real world that it gets tough.

Nick: Wise up, folks. We're all alone out there and tomorrow we're going out there again.

Sam Weber: I'm hungry. I had this really dirty dream.

Nick: Was it about Karen?

Sam Weber: Why do you say that?

Nick: Why should anything have changed?

Sam Weber: You're the one she always wanted.

Nick: In the old days, I wasn't emotionally equipped to satisfy her. Now, as we all know, the equipment doesn't work at all.

Sam Weber: [wincing] Why do we have to talk about that?

Nick: Since when did you get so friendly with cops? Harold?

Harold: You know you're fuckin' stupid? Stupid, yeah. First off, that cop has twice kept this house from being ripped off. Happens to be a hell of a guy. And you...

[turns away]

Nick: Come on, Harold. What is it?

Harold: What is it with you? Is jail another "experience" you want to "try?" See what that's "like?" You know, I live here. This place means something to me. I'm dug in. I don't need this shit.

Nick: [in a high-pitched voice] Hey. everyone, it's J.T. Lancer! Let's all go watch this incredible show!

Sarah: Woo hoo!

[everyone runs into the living room]

Karen: Come on, Sam.

Sam Weber: [lagging behind] Jesus!

Sarah: I know he wasn't happy. That doesn't tell you much. I'd no idea how bad it was. I think he purposely wanted to cut off from all of us because he was so unhappy with where he was at.

Nick: Hm.

Karen: Is that true, Chloe? Did you feel that?

Chloe: I don't know. We had some good times. I haven't met that many happy people in my life, how do they act?

Nick: Mm hm.

Meg: [sitting in Nick's lap] I didnt' get a chance to talk to you before; you got me stoned too quick. But I'm OK now. I'm just drunk and therefore brave.

Nick: I've always been a cowardly drunk myself.

Nick: That's a crock of shit! We're afraid just the opposite is true. Alex died for most of us a long time ago.

Sam Weber: I think you're a crock of shit. Don't speak for me or anybody else here. You hate your life. That's your problem. Don't tell us how we feel, okay?

Nick: That's it. That's all I'm saying.If I hate my life, it's my problem. Too bad you weren't around to comfort Alex as compassionately.

Mrs. Thompson: Is that the foot-long?

Nick: And then some.

Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!

Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!

Henry: Hey! Tattoo Face!

Nick: Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!

Nick: [on video] Since you lost your memory, I became governor of Hawaii. No, just kidding. I'm too smart.

Henry: I bet you twenty bucks, I can get her to have breakfast with me again.

Nick: You're on.

Nick: What did Sue say?

Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.

Nick: [Rapping During Credits] While you're sitting at home livin' off ramen noodles, I'm in my Lexus finger bangin' poodles.

Nick: Yo what makes you think I won't cut you?

Nick: Excuse me Miss, what color is Michael Jackson?

Girl At Bar: ...black?

Nick: AAHHH!

Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.

Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?

Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.

Nick: Don't say that!

Lou: I'm sorry, I do!

Nick: Lou, why would he do this?

Adam: Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.

Nick: He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.

Adam: He has a mountain of debt.

Nick: He hates his mother.

Adam: Hates himself, hates everybody.

Nick: He has erectile dysfunction.

Adam: He's got halitosis.

Nick: He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up

Adam: Oh yeah!

Nick: ...like a... spoiled grape.

Adam: I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.

Lou: [Throws a pillow] FUCK YOU GUYS!

Nick: Just like Cincinatti.

Lou: What?

Adam: You're gonna bring that up?

Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?

Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?

Adam: Yeah!

Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!

Nick: You keep it in the closet?

Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.

Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?

Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?

Jacob: Is it a fetus?

Nick: My friends are ridiculous.

Nick, Lou, Adam: [Repeated line, whispered] Great White Buffalo.

Nick: [Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney.

Tara: Tara.

Nick: Courtney.

Tara: Tara.

Nick: Courtney.

Tara: No seriously my name is Tara.

Nick: Not you, my wife.

Tara: You're married?

Nick: No, not yet, she's nine.

Nick: It must be some kind of hot tub time machine...

[deadpans into camera]

Receptionist: I do have a reservation here for a Nick Webber-Agnew.

Lou: [overhears Nick's name] ... Webber-Agnew?, Webber *fucking* Agnew?, you took your wife's last name?

Nick: It's progressive, a lot of dudes are doing it.

Nick: [on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?

Adam: Listen to me, man. That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.

Nick: He made you his little bitch!

Adam: He's humiliated you, emasculated you. The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated.

Lou: None of this is helping me at all.

Adam: I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.

Nick: Patience.

Adam: Maybe you're supposed to do something different...

Blaine: What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.

Adam: You're better than him!

Blaine: America!

Adam: Maybe not by a lot, but a little. You're the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!

Blaine: The moment's over. Let's go!

Adam: You can do this! You can get us the fuck out of here! You can be the hero!

Nick: Enrique'-fucking'-lglesias.

Adam: You love that song, don't you?

Lou: I love that fucking song!

[Lou gets up, launches himself one-footed off of the couch at Blaine. Blaine moves out of the way and punches Lou twice, knocking him back to the ground]

Adam: Shit.

Lou: God damn it! None of what you said worked at all!

Nick: [upon seeing their hotel for the first time in years] Muthafucka.

Adam, Nick: Ko... di... ak...

Lou: ...Valley! Fuckin' K-Vals!

Nick: Oh, no, no, don't click on that dad, that's porn.

Gus: It's porn?

Nick, Gus: Oooooo, ho... ho... ho... ho.

Nick: [listing things he's done since he started saying "yes"] I killed a cow with a bazooka... I'm not proud of that last one.

Nick: Psh, fine! I wipe my ass with fine!

Carl Allen: ...Wow. Um. Ok?

Norah: It reminds me of this part of Judaism that I really like. It's called Tikun Olam. It says that the world's been broken into pieces and it's everybody's job to find them and put them back together again.

Nick: Well maybe we're the pieces. Maybe we are not supposed to find the pieces. Maybe we are the pieces.

Norah: Nick? I'm coming in...

Nick: I just feel like she's messing with me.

Thom: Who are you talking about?

Nick: Right now, Norah. No, Tris. Tris.

Thom: You just haven't figured it out yet, have you.

Nick: What?

Thom: ...The big picture!

Nick: I guess not.

Thom: The Beatles.

Nick: What about them?

Thom: This.

[grabs Nick's hand]

Thom: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.

[Gay couple passes holding hands and smiles at them]

Nick: I'm gonna stop right now.

Nick: So what is your favorite song?

Norah: Well my favorite verse was "The way you're looking in your sleep, the way you're looking when you leap. The strange illusions that you keep. You don't know that I'm noticing."

[last lines]

Norah: Are you sad that we missed it?

Nick: We didn't miss it. This *is* it. C'mon. You wanna go home?

[they kiss]

Nick: If anyone is getting raped in that van, it'll be a guy.

Thom: Would someone mind telling me where we're going?

Norah: You know how some people like to eat at the same places?

Nick: Yeah.

Norah: Well Caroline likes to barf in the same places.

Nick: Well, you're two penises short of a Shania Twain reimagination band!

Nick: You don't know what it's like to be straight, OK? It's... awful.

Nick: I never wash my pants. I like to keep the night on them.

Norah: This is amazing! You are literally like my musical soul mate.

Nick: Maybe I'll take this for a bit and you can just focus on driving.

Norah: What? You don't like my sweet grooves?

Drunk Kid: Are you off duty?

Nick: This isn't a cab.

Drunk Kid: Are you off duty?

Nick: It's not a cab, my friend, I promise you.

Nick: Also that mix CD... uh that I left on your doorstep was the last one that I'll be making for you.

[CD ejects from computer]

Nick: More or less...

Nick: What are the benefits?

Norah: Yeah, that's crossed my mind. I don't know. I don't know, he's just always been there, and you just fell ignored for long enough and, it's just nice to feel special, sometimes.

[from trailer]

Nick: You don't have to yell. It's not a train station. We're in a tiny car.

[watching Norah comfort a nearly passed-out Caroline]

Nick: You two must be great friends.

Norah: Yeah, *I* am a great friend. It's always been like this. I'm the squire in Caroline's quest for attention.

Nick: What's your name, man?

Beefy Guy: Whatever you want it to be.

Nick: [talking to Dev] He's creepy.

Homeless Man: What's up, friend? How you doing?

Nick: Good. I was just gonna go in...

Homeless Man: You walked right in here.

Nick: I didn't mean to.

Homeless Man: You're like a little canary in skinny jeans.

Nick: I was gonna go in to look for my friend.

Homeless Man: You got friends right here. Me and Switzerland are here for you, baby. Let me ask you a question. You ever hook up with a dog?

Nick: No. What? Like an an... A dog, like a pet? No.

Homeless Man: Don't. It's not worth it. I like you so much.

[trying to hug Nick]

Nick: I'm running away. I'm running.

Homeless Man: Run away. Run away, little canary.

Nick: [leaving a message on his ex-girlfriend Tris' phone]

Nick: I think last time we spoke we both kind of said some really nasty things that neither of us meant, like... you broke up with me... on my b-day.

Tris: [in the Yugo with Nick, and breaks off the head rest] See, look! Even your car misses me. It's falling apart without me.

Nick: You did that, actually.

Nick: Why would you buy these pants?

Thom: Well we came to Gray's Papaya to get a bite to eat and she must have woke up because the chick has flown the coop.

Nick: Thom, that's not acceptable.

Thom: Search Party, N.Y.C Search Party, N.Y.C Caroline, Where the hell can you be?

Dev: Caroline! Caroline!

Norah: Caroline! Caroline!

Dev: Caroline!

Nick: Guys, we need to be adults right now.

Thom: And we finally found a drummer.

Nick: You found a drummer, who?

[Dev points to small electronic drum set]

Nick: That's a children's toy, who's gonna operate that thing?

Thom: You!

Nick: [while turning to go inside] Thanks for coming by guys.

Nick: We're close enough to the curb now. We're right on it.

Norah: You don't see many of these easter eggs on the road.

Nick: Yeah. Once you buy one, you see 'em everywhere.

Nick: [on the phone with Kate's mother] Right now? Uh, well... a pair of boxer shorts, a t-shirt and a smile.

Nick: I'm looking for "Susan's Single Friend Kate." They told me they thought she came out here.

Kate Mosley: Yeah, that's me. Can I help you?

Nick: Don't you think that's, uh, kind of strange that she only has one friend?

Nick: [arriving early and unexpectedly at Kate's office] It's good to see you again...

[Kate plants a big, sudden kiss on Nick]

Nick: [in a low voice] I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't know we were on the clock yet.

Kate Mosley: [also in a low voice] Okay, just shush, grab my ass, kiss my neck, and pull me into the office, okay?

Nick: Uh, y... yeah... yeah... uh, yes, sir!

Kate Mosley: You went to college, right?

Nick: Yeah, several.

Kate Mosley: Well, I mean, I think I should at least know how you take your coffee.

Nick: Well, I'm confused. You don't know? I mean, didn't you, uh, make me up?

Nick: [alone at the table with Kate, gazing upon her] I suddenly realized I haven't told you how beautiful you look tonight.

Kate Mosley: Oh, Nick, come on. Don't waste that stuff. Nobody's here. They can't hear you.

Nick: So how do you think it's going?

Kate Mosley: Um, fine, I guess. But, you know, if one of us doesn't start this fight pretty soon, um, everyone's gonna MISS it.

Adam Jr.: Jacob is my cousin, and Uncle Lou...

Lou: Don't you ever call me that.

Adam Jr.: ...is my uncle! And they came here in a... uh... what was it?

Lou, Nick, Jacob: Hot Tub Time Machine.

Jill: Oh, okay. So I guess you came here in a Hot Tub Time Machine, too.

[Lou, Nick and Jacob stare into the camera]

Lou: Let's go check out the future strip club situation.

Nick: High five.

Jacob: Did you just say "high five" instead of high five-ing?

Nick: You look like Gandalf the Poor.

Lou: We gotta make America happen bro.

Nick: Ready for another dip?

Jacob: [Jacob to Nick] You're not going to be super welcome there but we should totally go.

[last lines]

Nick: I've got a question... why do you keep giving me my poker chips?

Beth: Because you deserve to have it back. You threw them into the fountain and wished for love, and I don't want to keep it anymore!

Nick: [looking confused] No I didn't.

Beth: You didn't?

Nick: No!

Beth: Then who did?

Nick: I have no idea.

Beth: Then this... is all real?

[Nick starts to answer and then stops himself. He climbs into the fountain with Beth and drops the poker chip in the water]

Nick: How's this for real?

Father Dino: [falling to his knees at the edge of the plaza] Ay, Dio mio! Free from temptation! Grazie!

Beth: [grinning in amazement as the Priest dashes off] Didn't you say, at Umberto's bachelor party...

Nick: ...the padre cleaned me out at the poker table? Yeah.

Beth: It's like, I meet a guy, and I think it's great, and anyone else would just be thinking about how much greater it's going to get. And I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Nick: You know, lightning does strike once in a while, Beth. Trust me, I know.

Nick: [Repeated line] I did not see that coming.

Vada: If I get married, I'll never change my name.

Nick: Why? You think the guy should change his name?

Vada: I don't think anybody should change their names, that way you can't find them when you need them!

Nick: What if you don't want to be found?

Vada: Why do you argue with everything I say?

Nick: Who are you? Hitler's hall monitor?

Nick: Are you waiting for someone?

[Vada stays turned away and does not reply]

Nick: Excuse me, I asked you a question.

Vada: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, not even nuns.

Vada: I love the fragrance of vintage books.

Nick: I love the fragrance of chili dogs.

[after Delysia has refused to sing]

Michael: She said no.

Nick: What, and she does what you say?

Michael: Never once, as a matter of fact, but that's not the point.

Delysia: Is the offer still open?

Nick: Get up!

[Michael stands and nick knocks him back down with a punch to the nose]

Delysia: Well, is it a yes or is it a no?

Michael: What?

Delysia: Well will you doggone marry me or will you doggone not?

[he grins in delight, scrambles up, socks Nick square in the jaw, and pulls Delysia to her feet]

Michael: Yes. God help me, yes!

[they kiss fervently]

Nick: Since when do girls together smoke cigars, answer me that.

Guinevere Pettigrew: [bluffing] If I want to smoke cigars, I'll damned well smoke cigars, thank you very much, and to hell with your opinion.

Nick: What, they're yours?

Guinevere Pettigrew: You betcha, baby.

[coughs]

Nick: You know, I've never been faithful to anyone in my life. I just told Irenka about someone and, uh, she did not take it too well. If there's trouble, I just feel trapped and miserable, and I just wanna' go.

Michael: If you have to choose between grief and nothing, you'd choose grief.

Nick: [scoffing] Huh. What's that gotta' do with anything?

Michael: Just something William Faulkner said.

Nick: Yeah, well, fuck that. This is me we're talkin' about. I'd choose nothin'. Grief's fucked. It's just depressing when these things end, you know?

Kate: What are we going to do about work?

Nick: What we always do. You tell me what to do and then I'll go behind your back and do whatever I want.

Kate: [leans her head on the couch, thinking Nick is going to kiss her]

Nick: You're leaning on my scarf.

Kate: [embarassed] Oh my, yeah.

Johnny: So, whassup fellas?

Nick: Just doing a little a batting practice on your bike.

Johnny: It's not mine. It's Sir D.'s

Nick: Who is Sir D.

Johnny: He's my homeboy.

Nick: Yea? WELL HOMEBOY THIS!

John Van Owen: [walking away] See ya later, Dick...

Nick: [offended] It's Nick.

John Van Owen: [turns around for a second] Oh yea, yea... NICK...

Nick: How about a drink?

Kathy: I'll have a Diet Coke.

Nick: Diet Coke? Kathy, Kathy... be serious.

[Nick takes a shot of hard liquor]

Kathy: Nick, you be serious. You're driving.

Nick: Kathy, I'm a big boy. I'm also a thirsty one.

Nick: What was that all about?

Kathy: Forget him, I already have.

Nick: What the hell is that?

Kathy: Don't ask me

Nick: Come on, Grandma, we go home, we watch wrestling!

Heather: What're you reading?

Nick: "Yuck!"

Heather: "Yuck!"? That's nice, isn't it?

Poppy: It's a classic, that.

Roger: You can't sell a product without first making people feel bad.

Nick: Why not?

Roger: Because it's a substitution game. You have to remind them that they're missing something from their lives. Everyone's missing something, right?

Nick: I guess.

Roger: Trust me. And when they're feeling sufficiently incomplete, you convince them your product is the only thing that can fill the void. So instead of taking steps to deal with their lives, instead of working to root out the real reason for their misery, they go out and buy a stupid looking pair of cargo pants.

Roger: Why give into a slump? Let's go down swinging.

Nick: Yes. Like Michael Jordan.

Roger: Right. That's the wrong sport, but I like your enthusiasm.

Nick: I'll see you at the next funeral.

Roger: Why? Who's sick?

Nick: [lost] What? I'm kidding.

Roger: Me too.

Nick: [Thea kisses Nick] I've been wanting to do that for a really long time now.

Thea Clayhill: Actually, I did that.

Nick: Right.

Thea Clayhill: ...No, I didn't finish college.

Nick: Oh, why not? Too boring? Not 'Joan Jett' enough for you?

Thea Clayhill: [Thea cleans Greg's glasses and puts them back on him] I hope you don't mind. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Nick: Oh wow. Wow, I can see. Oh my god, Thea. I don't know if you know this but y- you're pregnant.

Thea Clayhill: Your sense of humor really takes a dive after 9 o'clock, huh?

Nick: Is it after nine?

Thea Clayhill: Yea.

Nick: Oh my god. I'm slave-driving a pregnant woman.

Nick: Women... Can't even live with them anymore.

[Nick leaves the room to fetch a condom.]

Stacy: [to the camera] This is a miracle! For once it's all up to him. No tubes, no jellies, no furtive trips to the bathroom... I can just sit back and let it happen. I don't have to do anything.

Nick: [returning] I'm not too good with these things. Can you give me a hand putting it on?

[After she dumps him.]

Nick: Okay, that's okay. But let me tell you, you're making a big mistake. 'Cause I am going to make it.

Stacy: Good.

Nick: I'm going to be huge. I'm going to be bigger than huge! I'm going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone magaz-- no, forget that. I'm going to be on the cover of Time magazin-- no! Forget that... I... I... am going to have... *more fans than Elvis*!

Stacy: Good.

Nick: Yeah! And I won't even be dead! Think about it.

Nick: Let's avoid confusion. She'll get some lines, or I'll nail your knee caps to the floor.

Nick: Sorry you guys had to hear that. Some problems with the firm.

David Shayne: Really? What type of firm is it, Nick?

Nick: It's a "don't stick your nose in other people's business and it won't get broken" type of firm.

Nick: Open your gift.

Olive: You open it, can't you see I'm dressing?

Nick: Here.

Olive: What is it?

Nick: Pearls. What the hell do you think they are?

Olive: Pearls are white.

Nick: These are black pearls.

Olive: Oh, don't give me that. I never heard of black pearls.

Nick: Just becaus you never heard of them don't mean it don't exist.

Olive: What do think I am, some kind of chump? They're black for God's sake. They probably came from defective oysters.

Sam Campbell: Why is "Loose Limbs 8" in my office when it should be with Eddie?

Nick: Uh... Number eight? Um... that's because... um... uh... I forgot?

Eddie: [twirling pencil with one hand] You brought "Loose Limbs 7"?

Nick: Yeah, sure did. Great movie!

Eddie: "Great movie"? Ninety minutes of condensed sex and violence - do you call that a "great movie"? Do you have the slightest idea of what the moral and ethical principle is?

Nick: Hey man, relax! You shouldn't take things too seriously.

Eddie: [gritting teeth] I'm perfectly relaxed!

[snaps pencil]

Meg: The other day, I'll have you know, a young man... tried to pick me up

Nick: That doesn't surprise me... You're hot.

Meg: Thank you

Nick: Hot, but cold.

Nick: [Billy is regaining consciousness while taped into chair after being knocked out with a ball bat] My fuckin' head...

[gets up, collapses, and dies]

Nick: I was under the impression a bar was like a church. A place where a man can be left alone to think in peace.

[first lines]

Nick: I, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for someone.

Francine Driver: You are...

Nick: Uh, under normal circumstances, I'd never turn you away, but this is a business meeting.

Francine Driver: What kind of business are you in?

Nick: Um, I work in real estate, corporate real estate.

Francine Driver: What's your name?

Nick: Look, I don't mean to be rude. I swear if you knew me, I'm the last guy to say no, to a beautiful...

Francine Driver: Wow, you can't even tell me your name?

Nick: Dennis.

Francine Driver: I don't believe you.

[Little person Tito is not happy with the dream sequence]

Tito: Why does my character have to be a dwarf?

Nick: He doesn't have to be.

Tito: Then why is he? Is that the only way you can make this a dream, to put a dwarf in it?

Nick: No, Tito, I...

Tito: Have you ever had a dream with a dwarf in it? Do you know anyone who's had a dream with a dwarf in it? No! I don't even have dreams with dwarves in them. The only place I've seen dwarves in dreams is in stupid movies like this! "Oh make it weird, put a dwarf in it!". Everyone will go "Woah, this must be a fuckin' dream, there's a fuckin' dwarf in it!". Well I'm sick of it! You can take this dream sequence and stick it up your ass!

Chad: What did you call me?

Nick: You heard me. I called you a "Hostess Twinkie motherfucker," motherfucker!

Nicole Springer: I feel like such an asshole.

Nick: You're just saying that because you have Preparation-H on your face.

Nick: Great! I freak in your dream, I freak out in my dream, no wonder I'm so fucking exhausted.

[Tito doesn't laugh when he's supposed to]

Nick: Cut! Tito... Didn't feel like laughing, did ya?

Tito: I did.

Nick: Oh. Guess I missed it.

Nick: Bob, what the fuck is with that smoke, man? Whaddya got in there, a couple of hamsters blowing smoke rings, ferchrissakes?

Nick: Hey Bob, you think you can make any more noise with the dolly you creaky motherfucker !

Nick: There needs to be more tension when you see him.

Nicole Springer: I thought I wasn't supposed to see him.

Nick: Well, maybe you see him a little.

Nick: Babe, you were amazing. You were made to do this in front of the cameras.

Adam: Thanks... I think.

Devon: So what you got under the hood?

Nick: I got an engine, and in a minute, you.

Nick: We do not have a love/hate relationship. We have a hate/hate relationship.

Purse Thief: [Devon is holding on to his leg] What are you going to do about this?

Nick: This? I'm going to kill this.

Nick: [chasing some bad guys with his car] I told you, I'm not getting out of this car. I hate to run!

Chu: Whoa!

[slips and falls down, McKenna comes right after him with his car]

Chu: What are you a nut? Oh! Oh!

Chu: I warned you!

[smacks him with car door]

Raymond Sanchez: [seeing this] Do all cops do that?

Devon: [grinning] Only the best.

Nick: [now going after Quintero] Quintero! Who do you think is going to run out of gas first?

Chu: Ooh.

[a black car arrives to him]

Rudy: Chu, get in!

[He gets in the car]

Devon: [about the biker bar] Don't you need a tattoo to get into this place?

Nick: Alright, now I want You to stay in the car, You go inside that Bar, and you get hurt...

[See's a couple of Bikers harassing another Biker, and picking up His Motorcycle like they're going to trash it]

Nick: Um... Better come inside, You stay out in the parking lot, and you'll get hurt!

Dispatcher: What's your 10-20 McKenna?

Nick: We're perpendicular.

Nick: Kids aren't any fun! You can't take a kid to a bar. He has one drink, he falls off the stool, and the trip is screwed!

Nick: Do you know who I am?

Quintero: You used to be Nick McKenna before you lost a step.

Nick: [Devon tried to surprise Nick with a box of donuts, while being aware Vinnie's Men were determined to kill Him] People are trying to kill You, are You some kind of bonehead, or what?

Devon: I'm not, and You don't have to yell!

Nick: I can't handle this anymore, I can't handle it... look, pick a City, Cincinnati, Cleveland, You take You and your grandmother, You go there, I'll pay for it!

Devon: You call this being a Father?

Nick: [Softly] I'm not your Father...

[Loudly]

Nick: ... and I ain't your Partner, either!

Devon: Fine! I don't want You to be My Father, I don't want You to be My Partner, I don't want You to be anything!

[Slams box of Donuts on sidewalk, walks across the corner to catch a Bus at the Bus stop]

Devon: I'll just handle things, Myself!

Nick: [talking to the Person dressed in a blue costume] Is your name Bobo?

Bobo #1 Artist: ...in blue!

Nick: C'mon, I don't think this is the Guy...

Devon: I didn't know Art can be so dangerous!

Devon: Haven't you ever heard about secondary smoke?

Nick: Haven't you ever heard about minding your own business?

Devon: At this very moment, the pink delicate tissues of my still-forming lungs may be shriveling into green chunks of mucus struggling for their last gasp of poison brown air.

Nick: [throws his cigar out the window] Happy?

Devon: Now you're littering.

Devon: [bored just sitting in the car] What are we here for?

Nick: Stakeout. It's your shift.

Devon: Do I look like a five-year-old to you?

Nick: I can't tell. The light's not too good in here.

Devon: Deal's off. This is dullsville.

Nick: Well, lesson number one: Police work is dullsville. What'd you have in mind?

Devon: Cop stuff. Shakedowns, shootouts, busting scumbags.

Devon: [to Nick] I nabbed the purse snatcher.

[Devon is holding onto a man's leg]

Purse Thief: My wife forgot her purse. I was trying to catch her before she got on the bus!

Devon: You're not a purse snatcher?

Purse Thief: NO. I'm calling the cops.

Nick: I am a police officer.

Purse Thief: Great. What are you gonna do about this?

Nick: [looking at Devon] This? I'm gonna kill this.

Nick: Why do you think I spend HOURS and HOURS at the range... shooting at silhouettes, shooting the hearts right out of 'em? Every single day. I've been doin' that for years. Why do you think I do that? I do that because I don't wanna chase anybody. I DON'T LIKE TO RUN. So I want you to give me the plate number.

Devon: Hey, this is more like it. Partners are supposed to fight. Partner love/hate relationship.

Nick: We don't have a love/hate relationship! We have a HATE/HATE relationship.

Nick: [feeling defeated] You know... You were very good back there.

Nick: [Amy, Daphne, and Kyle are "fighting" the hobgoblins] Must be a new dance... pretty kinky.

Nick: [to Jack, about Anne] She remembers the day she got her tooth filled. Christ, I can hardly remember the first time I got laid.

Ginny: [about Anne] You know, I don't want to talk her down, but she is unreliable. I mean Nick has made three appointments to meet her down at his lawyer's office and she's never shown up. She hasn't even called.

Claudia Zimmer: Now wait a minute. No offense, Ginny, but twenty-one years ago Nick said he would be there on the other side of the bed every morning and for the last six months he hasn't kept his appointment either!

Jack: [flustered] Okay, look. Alright, alright. Let's calm down. It's not all that bad. It's just a little embarassing.

Nick: I don't see what the big problem is. We're all adults. We'll just say hello and uh...

Danny: Have a nervous breakdown.

Claudia Zimmer: [approaching Ginny] Ginny, I'm sorry. There is a lot of strain in the situation and I get passionate sometimes.

Ginny: [crying and sniffling] That's okay. I know you're just trying to be fair to everybody.

[Ginny walks away]

Claudia Zimmer: [to Nick] You're the one I wanted to make cry.

[Nick goes after Ginny]

Danny: [to Claudia] Well, you had to open up your mouth again.

Claudia Zimmer: Danny, it's over and done with, please.

Danny: Let's have a nice quiet time... a nice vacation.

Ginny: [to the other couples] I've just about had it with you people!

Nick: What's the matter?

Ginny: I'll tell you what's the matter... I'm mad!

[slight pause]

Nick: [concerned] Ginny?

Ginny: I fall in love with this man and all of a sudden in addition to him, I've got four constant companions! I have to work out a new relationship with somebody who is going through the worst period of his life, only I can't do it alone! I've got to do it in front of four other people! And it's not as if my privacy was invaded. You all let me know every single day that I have been intruding on your territory! Let me tell you something: As far as I'm concerned, you are all demanding and unforgiving... every single one of you. Everybody is sweet and warm and civil, but everybody ignores me! I'm like a leper! I'm... I'm a blank spot where Annie used to be."

Nick: [to Jack, about Anne's obsessive photography of vegetables] For a year and a half, all we talked about was zucchini. Then for another year it was green peppers - that was a nice change.

Nick: [trying to get Lisa out of her depressed mood] You've made some friends at your dorm, right?

Lisa: Not really. Most of the people here have a peculiar idea of a good time.

Nick: What do you mean?

Lisa: They get drunk and piss off the balconies.

Nick: What about the girls?

Lisa: I'm talking about the girls.

Nick: You're kidding me.

Lisa: You think I'm kidding you? You think it's a joke to have to walk home on a clear night with an umbrella?

Nick: Are you upset with me for some reason?

Jack: I just feel really let down by you. I happen to know that you betrayed your wife dozens of times.

Nick: [pauses to think] Okay, if I did, that's what I did to her. What did I do to you?

Jack: You didn't tell either of us.

Nick: What, every time I have an affair with a hat-check girl, I have to run and tell you?

Jack: That's who you were having affairs with? Hat-check girls?

Nick: No! They were all top professionals in their fields. I can't tell you all their names, but two of them were Margaret Thatcher and Indira Gandhi.

Jack: When you're ready to talk intelligently, then we'll talk. Until then, forget it.

Nick: She might fall down! I can't let Ginny just wander around in the snow like that.

Jack: Why not?

Nick: Because she's pregnant.

Jack: Pregnant? You're forty-three years old! You're gonna start having babies now?

Nick: Oh, there's some real heartwarming acceptance. I have to check everything with you? As a matter of fact, I told you I wanted to start a new family.

Jack: With babies?

Nick: What, with airdales?

Nick: To be with friends, sipping wine, this is what it is to be happy.

Nick: Okay. Plan 2.

Senator John McGlory: You mean Plan B?

Nick: Plan B, 2, what's the difference?

Senator John McGlory: What's Plan B-2?

Senator John McGlory: I always thought you were just really good at your job. But you really are an asshole, aren't you?

Nick: They go hand in hand, Senator.

[after crawling under the dining table to give Dime a blow job by surprise, the farmer's sexy daughter, Josephine, suddenly does the same to Jill]

Jill: Oh, my God...

Sasha: Jill...

Mother Libby: Are you okay?

Jill: Hmm? Mm-hmm. Mm. Oh. Oh... oh, God.

Mother Libby: Joseph, something strange is going on.

Jill: Oh!

Farmer Joseph: Wait a second. I know what's happening here...

Jill: Oh... oh, oh...

[referring to the unseen Josephine]

Jill: Fuck you!

Farmer Joseph: Libby, call the exorcist. These kids are possessed! And get my gun!

Nick: No, no, no, sir, I assure you...

Jill: Ohhhhhh, shit!

Farmer Joseph: Now, that's it. Everybody out! Out, out!

[when they're outside]

Farmer Joseph: And take Lucifer with you!

[shoots his gun in the air]

Nick: [Nick overlooks the coastline] Oh wow! It's beautiful.

Sasha: Yeah! Trees, rock, ocean, iceberg.

Peter: How come you guys always make that noise?

Nick: What noise?

Peter: This one.

[Peter hocks up some phlegm and spits]

Peter: I mean you guys spit so much, it kind of makes you wonder what you've be sucking on.

Nick: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...

Toby Kwimper: You do the multiplication tables too, Nick?

Nick: [Nick rolls his eyes at Toby] Three, two, one.

[Nick's trailer explodes]

Toby Kwimper: Well, I'll be dogone. Your place done blowed up, Nick. It's on fire too.

Nick: What happened?

Toby Kwimper: They were showing me how I shouldn't get hurt. I wish they would wake up so I could apologize. I don't think they can hear me now.

Nick: No, I don't think so either.

Conrad: I bring up Charles Manson and you freak out.

Nick: Everybody freaks out when you bring up Charles Manson!

Nick: This truth shit is fun! Does anybody else got anything to share with the group?

Nick: My simple child reaction of what you did is that you are not funny. Funnier than you is even Stuart Schlossman, who is my friend, and is eleven, and puts walnuts in his mouth and makes noises. What is not funny is to call us names, and what is mostly not funny is how sad you are, and I'd feel sorry for you if it wasn't for how dull you are. And those are the worst-tasting potato chips that I've ever tasted. And that's my opinion from the blue, blue sky.

Nick: I can imitate the voice of Alexander Hamilton. I do Alexander Hamilton, and Murray does a terrific Thomas Jefferson. We got the voices just right.

[Murray and Nick speak to each other in normal tones throughout]

Murray: [to Nick] Hi, Alex, how're you doing?

Nick: Fine. Say, Tom, you should have been in Congress today.

Leo: This is ridiculous! You can't do an imitation of Alexander Hamilton, nobody knows what he sounds like!

Nick: That's the funny part.

Murray: You missed the funny part, Leo.

Murray: Nick, in a moment you are going to see a horrible thing.

Nick: What's that?

Murray: People going to work.

Leo: There's the little guy. I've got a Chuckles statue for you.

Nick: Thank you, Mr. Herman. Imagine how pleased I am to receive it.

Murray: Better go to your room.

Nick: This is a one-room apartment.

Murray: OK, then go to your alcove.

Nick: See, lady, he was developing into a bum. I mean, you don't want to see somebody you like developing into a bum and doing nutty things. You know what he does? He hollers. Like, we were on Park Avenue last Sunday, and it's very early in the morning, there's no one in the street, see, just all these big, quiet apartment houses; and he hollers, "Rich people, I want to see you all out on the street for volleyball! Let's snap it up!" And you know, sometimes, if we're in a crowded elevator some place, he'll turn to me and he'll say, "Max, there'll be no more of this self-pity. Now, you're forty; it's time you got used to being a midget!" And everybody stares. He has a wonderful time. What are you gonna do with someone who hollers like that?

Nick: We got to get rid of him!

Murray: [hugging Nick] Nick...

Nick: We got to! Please!

Murray: Nick, we can't. We can't. Aw, kid, I'm sorry. Sorry, kid. I'm sorry.

Nick: Harry, why do you want to be a teacher, man?

Harry Bailey: Money, Nick. Money and power and little girls to molest. It's a great life!

Nick: [about Sally to Harry] Good scientist, lousy lay.

Nick: You have the wrong number.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: You called me!

Nick: Right then... um... I had the wrong number. Sorry to trouble you. Bye.

[hangs up phone]

Nick: Hey, stop calling me!

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: No.

Nick: What?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: No. I said no.

Nick: You can't just say no.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Yes I can. No. See?

Nick: What's the deal?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: That seems to be my theme ever since I've locked myself in this frickin' vault.

Nick: Anything in particular slowing things up?

Simon: Like?

Nick: Like some guy locking himself in the vault, who somehow has full knowledge of our identities, our cell numbers, and has the ability to dial 911, handing you a first-class pass to ass class in a federal penitentiary? That sort of thing?

Nick: A tactical analysis? What would that currently be?

Simon: Fucked.

Nick: Great.

Nick: [to Jinx] If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?

Nick: Alright there, Columbo. You seem to be answering a lot of unasked questions for an innocent bystander. What the hell are you getting at?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Hey, it's not for nothing, but I didn't ask to be locked in this frickin' vault. All I ever wanted was my twenty bucks. But no, some greedy bastard decided it was a great idea to increase his bank's profit margin, fire tellers to lower corporate costs, close branches, install endless ATM machines that charge my ass to kingdom come until I can't afford my own twenty bucks.

Nick: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: I'm glad you asked. Insufficient funds means I had to walk my ass into the only Grant Liberty I can find to withdraw my money, but it was already having a large withdrawal made, i.e. being robbed, which was perfectly fine with me until some jackass pointed a gun at me. This guy gets all jumpy, tries to blow my head off. His gun jams, and I run for cover in this vault, which proceeds to lock behind me, locking me in this vault, where I literally run into some super hot chick, who I'm trapped with. Sounds great, except she she proceeded to punch me in the face, ruining my otherwise wonderfully boring day and wasting my pedantically precious time.

[last lines]

Nick: By the way, Tip #10 - know when to walk away.

Nick: I'm going to put the cards on the table. You have something I need - information. Information my associates are no longer in a position to offer. I propose we adapt, evolve, roll some balls, and walk us right out of this quagmire. I'll cut to the chase - what do you want?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: My twenty bucks.

Nick: I'm sorry, did you say twenty bucks?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Yep.

Nick: I don't want to be rude, but I think you might want to revise that number.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: You think? Like, what?

Nick: Like, look around you. I'd add a few zeroes to that twenty dollar figure of yours.

Nick: Getting greedy with what you want to steal will only get you caught. You have to ask yourself why you think you can get away with it. Know why and the what, where and how will follow.

Kyle: And do you know what we do with shit around here, Nick?

Nick: From your breath, I'd say you eat it.

Punk Guy: You're a cop?

Nick: Surprise, surprise.

Nick: You're a teacher?

Robin Torrence: Surprise, surprise.

Robin Torrence: You're a cop?

Nick: Surprise, surprise.

Nick: Gee, Kyle, is this really fair? There are only three of you!

[two more Wardens appear]

Nick: Ah. That's more like it.

Kyle: Tonight's the night, Nick.

Nick: Gee, that sounds really romantic, Kyle, but right now I can't.

Punk Girl: They actually put cops on stuff like this?

Nick: Tell me about it.

Captain Graff: Dunbar, get me a cup of coffee, two sugars.

Nick: Yes, sir.

Punk Girl: Easy to see who has all the status around here, Dunbar.

Matt Dunbar: Just pretend to be a student - you're supposed to be good at that kind of thing.

Nick: Matt, no one is going to believe I am a high school kid.

Matt Dunbar: Nick, be serious - no one believes you're a cop!

[The newsboy is singing When Irish Eyes Are Smiling]

Nick: Are you Irish?

Newsboy: No, I'm Greek.

Nick: My children, my children, you'd be lost without me.

Eddie Kagle: How long you been down here?

Nick: Since time immemorial.

Eddie Kagle: The way you talk, you must've had a good education.

Nick: A most liberal one.

Eddie Kagle: I only went through the third grade.

Nick: I went through the whole gamut of learning. I know everything.

Eddie Kagle: Stuck on yourself, huh? What's your name?

Nick: Well, I have a number of aliases. I have a long record under the name of Mephistopheles.

Eddie Kagle: Greek, huh?

Nick: Well, there are some who claim I'm more of one nation than another, but that's not true, Eddie. I'm of all nations, I play no favorites.

Eddie Kagle: You look like a con man. Look, Mephistopheles...

Nick: Call me Nick.

Eddie Kagle: You married?

Nick: Millions of women have adored me.

Eddie Kagle: Quite a guy with the ladies, huh?

Nick: I'm a fascinating fellow.

Eddie Kagle: Look, mug, playing around with dames is dynamite.

Nick: But most delightful dynamite, Eddie! Live fully while you may, and reckon not the cost. Deny yourself nothing - flame and blaze like a torch, and toss the fire about you! Omar Khayam said it: 'I'll make the most of what we yet may spend, before we too into the dust descend!'

Nick: [upon hearing a ruckus] What in my domain is that?

Nick: [to the sky] Must I run afoul of You again? Am I doomed forever to be vanquished? What has this foul creature incubated in the recesses of foulness done to become your favorite? It was with evil intent that he ventured forth! He volunteered to do my bidding! Must I be humiliated by this maggot? I demand my rights!

[last lines]

Eddie Kagle: Well... so long. Funny, I never thought people's faces looked so good. Lots of other things I never noticed before. If I'd only known the first trip around what I know now...

Nick: When I get you down below I'm going to take special pains with you. I'm going to introduce you to agonies undreamed of.

Eddie Kagle: I don't think you'll be so tough.

Nick: No?

Eddie Kagle: No. Cause you know why? Cause you made a sap of yourself. You don't want your boys to know that. No big shot wants to look like a sucker before his own mob. Now if I was made a trustee...

Nick: This is sheer unblushing blackmail!

Eddie Kagle: You oughta know, brother. You oughta know.

Mr. Goodkat: The reason I'm in town, in case you're wondering, is because of a Kansas City Shuffle.

Nick: What's a Kansas City Shuffle?

Mr. Goodkat: A Kansas City Shuffle is when everybody looks right, you go left.

Nick: Never heard of it.

Mr. Goodkat: It's not something people hear about. Falls on deaf ears mostly. This particular one has been over twenty years in the making.

Nick: Twenty years, huh?

Mr. Goodkat: No small matter. Requires a lot of planning. Involves a lot of people. People connected only by the slightest of events. Like whispers in the night, in that place that never forgets, even when those people do. It starts with a horse.

Mr. Goodkat: [his first lines] There was a time.

Nick: [groggily looks at his watch] 4:35.

Mr. Goodkat: You misunderstood. I wasn't asking for the time, I was just saying... there was a time.

Nick: There was a time?

Mr. Goodkat: Mmm-hmm. Take Brown Sugar back there, for example. She's pretty fuckin' foxy, right?

[indicates old lady asleep in next row of seats]

Nick: [incredulous] She's 70.

Mr. Goodkat: If she's a day. But there was a time.

Nick: [on phone] Slevin, do you know what time it is?

Slevin: Yeah, I'm at the airport. Are you sure you want me to come out?

Nick: Yeah, just think... two weeks in New York and the only Kelly you'll remember is the Kelly who gave you your first hand job on the bus on the way up to summer camp.

Slevin: Kelly Perkins. She told me that her hands were dry and that she needed...

Nick: She said that to a lot of guys. That's why we called her Jerkins Perkins. Just call me when you land, all right?

Nick: Fuck. Shit. Jesus.

Mr. Goodkat: 'Fuck, Shit, Jesus' is right.

Nick: We're the same, you and me. We're the same, don't you see?

Bill Foster: We are not the same. I'm an American and you're a sick asshole.

Nick: Just what kind of vigilante are you?

Bill Foster: I am not a vigilante. I am just trying to get home to my little girl's birthday party and if everyone will just stay out of my way, nobody will get hurt.

Nick: Fuck you. Who the fuck are you? Are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me!

Bill Foster: I am just disagreeing with you! In America, we have the freedom of speech, the right to disagree!

Nick: Fuck you and your freedom.

Nick: [1:05:07] Give me your other hand.

Bill Foster: I can't.

Nick: Why not?

Bill Foster: Gravity.

Nick: Gravity? What the fuck does that mean?

Bill Foster: I'll fall down.

[Nick kick's Bill's knee, making him fall down]

Nick: [picks up snowglobe] What is this doing in here? Faggot shit!

[throws snowglobe]

Nick: Why don't they call you guys officer-esses?

Sandra: I beg your pardon?

Nick: You know, like actress. Something to signify... You know.

Sandra: Oh. I guess they feel a police officer is a police officer. Not a... You know.

Nick: Okay then. Sorry I couldn't have been helpful, Officer-ess.

Nick: You want freedom? I'll give you fucking freedom.

[Takes out some handcuffs]

Nick: You're going to jail, faggot. How's that for freedom? Freedom to get fucked up the ass by some big buck nigger. Give me your other hand! He's gonna be right behind you. Just like this. You're gonna like that, won't you you faggot fuck?

[repeated line]

Nick: Think about it.

Nick: You know what was in this? Zyklon-B! You remember? What the Nazis had? Listen!

[Shakes the can, a slight rattle is barely audible]

Nick: Empty! This was used, man! This was actually used. I wonder how many kikes this little can took out! Huh! Think about it!

Nick: When was it you started thinking you were better than me?

Nick: Have you lost your fucking mind?

Max: Yes, years ago!

Nick: How can I be sure you're okay?

Diane: I suppose I could fuck you.

Nick: That would work.

Nick: If you want me to do this, you gotta pay me what's right. It's gotta be that way.

Max: [Indignant] I always pay you what's right.

Nick: You always think you do. I always know what you pay me. It's not always right.

Nick: [about his collection of Mexican statuary] Don't you like them, Har?

Harry Moseby: I would, if they didn't all remind me of Alex Karras.

Nick: Where do you know Arlene from?

Joey Ziegler: From way back.

Nick: Oh, yeah? What's your name again? Ziegler? Joey Ziegler?

Joey Ziegler: Joey Ziegler.

Nick: I don't think you were one of the names.

Joey Ziegler: What names?

Nick: One of those she cheated on Grastner with. I got them all.

Joey Ziegler: I'm one of a small, select group. We hold meetings in a telephone booth.

Deputy Prosecutor: Whey did you join the party?

Nick: I've never belonged to any party. I only like soccer.

Nick: I'm no epileptic and I don't belong to any party.

La mère de Nick: Come and eat.

Nick: He killed a man.

La mère de Nick: What man?

Nick: A deputy.

La mère de Nick: In the government?

Nick: No, the opposition.

La mère de Nick: He did right. What's it to you?

Nick: He got his picture in the paper.

La mère de Nick: Eat. Let them kill each other.

La soeur de Nick: You hate me for succeeding in life. Huh?

Nick: You and your husband hate me.

La soeur de Nick: Never mind him. You've caused him enough trouble! You want to destroy my life. When Papa died, I hoped you'd take his place. I needed security. You ignored me. You never took me anywhere. You preferred soccer and thugs like Yago.

Nick: Tell him how you and your husband joined the right-wingers to get yourselves jobs.

La soeur de Nick: It's true! I joined them!

Nick: They asked if I was a Commie.

Le photojournaliste: Are you?

Nick: No! Say I only care about soccer.

Le photojournaliste: The magistrate believed you. He started digging and found that Vago and Yago belong to a secret group.

Nick: Secret group?

Le photojournaliste: Yes, CROC.

Nick: Everybody knows 'em. The cops use 'em to keep order during state visits.

Derrick: Are we crystal?

Nick: Clear.

Bryce: She's sixteen. I mean, what 21-year-old carries around a fake ID saying she's 16? The girl downstairs is 16. Sixteen! I mean, it doesn't matter if she said no. It doesn't matter if she screamed yes, and had a notary public certify it; she's underage! It's statutory! If she presses charges, I will go to jail!

Nick: So I guess a second date's out of the question, then, huh?

Nick: You know, not everything in the world revolves around fucking.

Bryce: No, just most things.

Nick: We're fucked.

Lissa: You're telling me.

Nick: I thought you'd be an older guy.

Bad Ass Dude: My profession don't promote career longevity. It's a young man's business.

Nick: We save her, we screw us, and vice versa. But think- who's worth saving here? Who's created this problem? Someone is gonna get hurt, Bryce. It's just a question of who.

[last lines]

Nick: I thought you were leaving.

Lissa: I thought I was too. Then I realized I didn't have any money.

Nick: [chuckles] Let's walk?

Lissa: Where?

Nick: Anywhere. Away from here.

Nick: I love you.

Lissa: Why do you think I'm doing this?

Nick: Look at this. He has cherry-flavored condoms.

Nick: You look like one man who could use a drink.

Hal Evans: You have no idea.

Nick: [To the other guests, about Hal] Don't let the poor schlep's appearance fool you, though, he actually is quite harmless.

Nick: What exactly is the object of this game?

Hal Evans: Where's Jim?

Nick: He's not here yet.

Hal Evans: No, stupid, that's the object of the game.

[Nick is pointing the gun at Hal and Jordan]

Hal: You know, for a big brain Nick, you're awfully fucking stupid.

Nick: Smart enough to beat you.

Hal: *Beat?* Hah! Shit, boy! Did you ever stop for fucking one goddamn minute and take a good arm's length look at the fucking situation, eh? You're nothin' but a show, my friend - a little experiment that I've privately undertaken, that I readily admit's gone a *wee* bit wrong. Right, question: how much bullshit do I have to fill an overly-intelligent, but fucking emotionally retarded kid's head with before he steps, or in Nick's case *leaps*, with both feet *and* a kitchen sink, over the edge?

Jordan: Evidentally, not fucking much!

Hal: Just whispered fucking sweet nothings about murder and mayhem into his ear and three semesters later, he's got his best friend stuffed into a box, man. Jesus, kid, wake the fuck up! You're not in control here, I am, always have been!

Nick: I don't think about that much with one shot anymore, Mike.

Michael: You have to think about one shot. One shot is what it's all about. A deer's gotta be taken with one shot.

Nick: I'm thinking about the deer. Going to 'Nam. I like the trees, you know? I like the way that the trees are on mountains, all the different... the way the trees are.

Michael: We gotta play with more bullets.

Nick: What?

Michael: More bullets...

[gunshot]

Michael: I gotta get more bullets in the gun.

Nick: What?

Michael: We gotta play with more bullets.

Nick: More bullets in the gun?

Michael: More bullets in the gun.

Nick: How many more bullets?

Michael: Three. That means we gotta play each other.

Nick: More bullets against each other?

Michael: We gotta do it!

Nick: What? Are you Crazy?

Michael: Nicky, it's the only way. I'll pick the moment. The game goes until I move. When I start shootin', go for the nearest guard, get his gun and zap the fucker!

Nick: I'm not ready for this!

Michael: You gotta listen to me... You wanna stay down here and die? Go on. It's up to you. Now it's up to you.

Nick: NOOOOOOOO!

Michael: Hey! Him against me! Side by side! Side by side!

Nick: Get away! Get away!

Michael: Side by side! Me and him! Me against him!

Axel: Lemme ask you a question: how come I never see you eat?

Nick: I like to starve myself: it keeps the fear up.

Nick: You trying to look like a prince?

Michael: What do you mean, 'trying'?

Nick: I sound like some asshole, right?

Michael: I tell you Nick, you're the only guy I go hunting with, you know. I like a guy with quick moves and speed. I ain't gonna hunt with no assholes.

Nick: Well, who's an asshole?

Michael: Who's an asshole? Who do you think is an asshole? They're all a bunch of assholes. I mean, I love 'em, they're great guys, but, you know, without you, I hunt alone. Seriously, that's what I'd do.

Nick: You're a f*ckin' nut! You know that, Mike, you're a maniac. A control freak.

Michael: I just don't like no surprises.

Nick: Did you hear about the happy Roman?

Man in Locker Room: Yeah.

Nick: He was "glad he ate her."

Army Doctor: Chevotarevich, is that a Russian name?

Nick: No, it's an American name.

Michael: I'll tell ya one thing, if I find out my life had to end up being in the mountains, it'd be all right, but it has to be in your mind.

Nick: What? One shot?

Michael: Two is pussy.

Stan: Where the hell's my boots? Anybody seen my boots? Somebody took my boots. I bought 'em special. All right. All right, you guys. Whoever took my boots, I want 'em back.

Axel: I got a boot for you, Stan, right up your ass.

[jokingly throws a kick near his rear to which he responds by playfully pointing his gun at him]

Axel: Hey, Mike. Hey, Mike, let me borrow your spares, huh? Your extra pair?

Michael: No, Stan.

Stan: [taken aback] No?... What do you mean, "No?"

Michael: Just what I said. No. "No" means no.

Stan: [getting upset] Some fuckin' friend. You're some fuckin' friend, you know that?

Michael: You gotta learn, Stanley. Every time you come up here, you got your goddamn head up your ass.

Axel: Maybe he likes the view from up there, huh?

[the group laugh at him]

Michael: Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne. That ain't gonna help ya'.

Axel: Oh, what the hell, Mike. Give him the boots.

Michael: No way. I ain't giving him no boots no more. No more. That's it.

Stan: You're a fuckin' bastard, you know that? Huh?

Michael: [holds up a live round] Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't somethin' else. This is *this.* From now on, you're on your own.

Stan: [appalled, angry] I fixed you up a million times!

[to the group]

Stan: I fixed him up a million times! I don't know how many times I must have fixed him up with girls! And nothin' ever happens! Zero! Hey, you know your trouble, Mike, huh? Nobody ever knows what the fuck you're talking about. Huh? "This is this!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? "This is this!" I mean, is that some faggot-sounding bullshit or is that some faggot-sounding bullshit?

Nick: Shut up, Stan, will ya'?

[Stan shoves him]

Nick: Hey, man, you're outta line.

Michael: Watch out with that gun, Stan.

[more strictly]

Michael: Watch out with the gun.

Stan: [yelling] There's times - do you know what I think? There's times I swear I think you're a fuckin' faggot!

John: Hey! Come on, you guys!

[Michael smirks in amusement]

Stan: Last week - last week, he could've had that new redheaded waitress down at the Bowladrome. He could've had it knocked and look what he did. Look what he fuckin' did. Nothin', that's what.

John: Shut up, Stan, huh? Would ya' SHUT UP? Just shut up. Just take - take Michael's goddamn boots and SHUT UP!

[takes the laced boots and places them on Stan's shoulder]

John: Otherwise, I'm goin' home!

Michael: [Stan starts to walk away with Mike's boots] Hey, Stosh.

[Stan turns to look at him]

Michael: I said, "No."

Stan: What, are you gonna shoot me? Huh? Here...

[opens a gap in his shirt to make a target for him, Mike just stands there staring at him; knowing this will go nowhere, Stan takes the boots and throws them aggressively at Mike, walking away]

Nick: [walks over, picks up the boots, says to Mike] What's the matter with you?

[walks over to Stan]

Nick: Stan.

[gives him back the boots]

Michael: [Mike puts the live round into his rifle, takes aim and vents his anger by firing it out into the woods, then looks at the group to see their bewildered reactions]

Michael: Nicky, do you remember the trees? Remember all the different ways of the trees? Remember that? Remember? Huh? The mountains? Do you remember all that?

Nick: One shot?

Michael: One shot! One shot.

Nick: [Smiles] Yeah.

Nick: You got the wrong guy, ace!

Michael: Sh*t! I must be outta my f*ckin' mind! I must be outta my mind. Everything's going so fast. Man, oh man. Hey, Nick, do you think we'll ever come back?

Nick: From 'Nam?

Michael: Yeah.

Nick: You know something, the whole thing, its right here. I love this f*ckin' place. I know that sounds crazy. If anything happens, Mike, don't leave, don't leave me over there. You got, you gotta, hey, just don't leave me. You gotta promise me that, Mike. No man, you gotta, you gotta promise, definitely.

Michael: Hey, Nick, You got it, man.

Bar Girl: Okay, what you like to call me now? What you like to call me?

Nick: Linda.

Dr. McElwaine: Nick, when you recollect your childhood, are your recollections pleasing to you?

Nick: Number 1, I don't remember how often I used to jerk off, but it was a lot. Number 2, I wasn't pissed off at my dad, even when I was old enough to know what he and mom were doing in the bedroom. Number 3, I don't look in the toilet before I flush it. Number 4, I haven't wet my bed for a long time. Number 5, why don't the two of you go fuck yourselves; I'm outta here.

[last lines]

Catherine: What do we do now, Nick?

Nick: Fuck like minks, raise rugrats and live happily ever after.

Catherine: Hate rugrats.

Nick: Fuck like minks, forget the rugrats, and live happily ever after.

Gus: I thought you said he was a rock and roll star.

Lt. Walker: He was a retired rock and roll star.

Capt. Talcott: A civic-minded, very respectable rock and roll star.

Gus: What's that over there?

Nick: It looks like some civic-minded, very respectable cocaine to me, Gus.

Andrews: There are cum stains all over the sheets.

Nick: Very impressive.

Gus: He got off before he got offed.

Nick: So where is this going?

Catherine: Ask me "What do you want from me Catherine?"

Nick: What the fuck do you want from Catherine?

Gus: Did you ever do drugs with Mr. Boz?

Catherine: Sure.

Gus: What kind of drugs?

Catherine: Cocaine. Have you ever fucked on cocaine, Nick? It's nice.

[Catherine Tramell uncrosses her legs and it can be seen she's wearing no underwear]

Nick: You like playing games don't you?

Catherine: I have a degree in psychology, it goes with the turf... Games are fun.

Nick: What's your new book about?

Catherine: A detective. He falls for the wrong woman.

Nick: What happens to him?

Catherine: She kills him.

Nick: Let me ask you something, Rocky, man to man. I think she's the fuck of the century, what do you think?

Nick: What did Manny Vasquez call you?

Catherine: "Bitch" mostly, but he meant it affectionately.

Internal Affairs Investigator: There's no smoking in this building, Detective.

Nick: [repeating Catherine] What are you going to do? Charge me with smoking?

Gus: Where in the fuck you've been? I went over to your place.

Nick: Easy, cowboy, easy. I wasn't there.

Gus: I went over last night, too.

Nick: No, I wasn't there either.

Gus: You fucked her? Goddamn dumb son of a bitch, you fucked her! Goddamn, you are one dumb son of a bitch!

Nick: Next time I'll use the rubber.

Beth Garner: [knocks on the door at Nick's apartment] Nick! Nick, are you there?

Nick: Go away, Beth! I don't want to see you.

Beth Garner: [unlocks the door and enters the apartment, finding Nick drinking] I still have my keys.

Nick: Put 'em on the table and leave.

[pause]

Nick: [shouts] Put 'em on the goddamn table and leave!

Beth Garner: [throws the keys on the floor] Damn it! Don't shut me out, you owe me more than that!

Nick: I don't owe you anything! And you don't owe me anything. We went to bed 10, maybe 15 times. That's miserable enough to carry an obligation.

Beth Garner: Sometimes I really hate you.

Nick: Oh, then why don't you get yourself some friendly little therapist and try to work out all that hostility. Then maybe you can get off once in a while.

Nick: I'm in love with you already, but I'll nail you anyway.

Dr. Myron: Do you believe Lieutenant Nilsen deserved to die?

Nick: I didn't know him well enough. I won't miss him.

Catherine: Got some coke?

Nick: I've got a Pepsi in the fridge.

Nick: How's your new book coming along?

Catherine: It's practically writing itself.

Nick: So was she ever a suspect?

Sheriff: Nope! There was some talk, but it never panned out.

Nick: What kind of talk?

Sheriff: Girlfriend!

Nick: What he had a girlfriend?

Sheriff: No! She did! But like I said, it never panned out.

[Nick just had rough sex with Beth]

Beth Garner: You've never been like that before. Why?

Nick: You tell me, you're the shrink.

Beth Garner: You weren't making love to me!

Nick: Well, who was I making love to?

Beth Garner: You weren't making love at all.

Nick: Writing a book about it gives you an alibi for not killing him.

Catherine: Yes it does, doesn't it?

Nick: How did you feel when I told you Johnny Boz had died, that day at the beach?

Catherine: I felt somebody had read my book and was playing a game.

Nick: But you didn't hurt.

Catherine: No.

Nick: Because you didn't love him.

Catherine: That's right.

Nick: Even though you were fucking him.

Catherine: You still get the pleasure. Didn't you ever fuck anybody else while you were married, Nick?

Nick: I'm working my ass off, I'm off the sauce, I even stopped smoking.

Beth Garner: How's not smoking?

Nick: It sucks.

[first lines]

Gus: Who was this fuckin' guy?

Nick: Rock and roll, Gus. Johnny Boz.

Gus: Never heard of him.

Nick: Before your time, cowboy.

Nick: What is this? Some kind of JOKE?

Nick: You wanna play hard, come on!

Gus: I don't buy it! There's gotta be somebody there, who knows whats going on.

Nick: I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ALRIGHT! Catherine told me and everything she said has checked out!

Gus: You've got Goddamn tweety birds flying around your head! You think the two of you will fuck like minks, raise rugrats, and live happily ever after!

Gus: Everyone she plays with dies.

Nick: I know what that's like.

Capt. Talcott: Hey Nick!

Nick: What?

Capt. Talcott: Keep your three o'clock!

Nick: You want me to work the case!

Capt. Talcott: I SAID KEEP IT!

Nick: ALRIGHT! I'll keep it.

Nick: How did you find out?

Catherine: I have friends, I have attorneys. Money buys alot of Attorneys and friends.

Nick: Do you have something against ice cubes?

Catherine: [setting down the ice pick] I like rough edges.

Gus: Forgive me for asking, and I don't mean to belabor the obvious, but why've you got your head so far up your ass

Nick: She wants to play. Fine, I can play.

Gus: Everybody she plays with dies.

Beth Garner: Something's going on. You're sleeping with her, aren't you?

Nick: Why are you interested in her?

Beth Garner: My interest is in you, not her. She seduces and manipulates people. She'll do anything she can.

Nick: I thought you hardly knew her?

Beth Garner: I know the type. I'm a psychologist.

Nick: That means... you manipulate people too! You're a practicing psychologist. You're better at it than she is!

Catherine: Somebody has to die.

Nick: Why?

Catherine: Somebody always does.

Nick: [Mason Jr. returns to class from the darkroom after talking with his teacher] What's up Mason? You're walking a little funny, there...

Mason: Fuck you.

Nick: Hey, I'm just saying. You were in there for quite a while...

Nick: [ringing the cash register repeatedly] Get me. I'm givin' out wings!

Nick: Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

George Bailey: [intervening] Nick, hold on. Just give him the same as mine. He's no trouble.

Nick: Okay.

[Nick walks away to tend to the bar]

George Bailey: [to Clarence] What's the matter with him? I never saw Nick act like that before.

Clarence: You'll see a lot of strange things from now on.

Nick: [slamming a bottle on the bar] That's it! Out you two pixies go... through the door, or out the window!

George Bailey: Hold on, Nick! What's wrong?

Nick: That's another thing. Where do you come off calling me Nick?

George Bailey: Well... Nick, that's your name. Isn't it?

Nick: What does that have to do with anything? I don't know you from Adam's off Ox.

George Bailey: [to a derelict Mr. Gower] Mr. Gower! This is George Bailey! Don't you know me?

Mr. Emil Gower: No... No...

Nick: [to his bouncers] Throw 'em out, throw 'em out!

George Bailey: Mr. Gower! Hey, what is...? Hey, Nick! Nick! Isn't that Mr. Gower, the druggist?

Nick: You know, that's another reason for me not to like you. That rum-head spent twenty years in jail for poisoning a kid. If you know him, you must be a jailbird yourself.

Louis Connelly: [talking on his cellphone while getting into a black Cadillac] I've been doing this for ten years, Bob, we said ten percent. No, we said ten percent. yeah, well it makes the world go round doesn't it, Bob? just get me the ten percent, will ya, man? thanks

[sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose ]

Nick: [unoticed by Louis] Can I get you anything, sir?

Louis Connelly: Do you know any hitmen?

Nick: I know a bass player. Might be able to help you out. Likes to get into fights with lead singers.

Louis Connelly: [freezes] Nick? What're you doing here, man?

Nick: Still drivin', payin' off those weddin' bills from last year.

Louis Connelly: Oh, fair play to ya, oh, she's a nice girl.

Nick: So you playin' at all?

Louis Connelly: Nope.

Nick: why the hell not? your fingers fall off?

Louis Connelly: Well you move on. Have you seen the lads lately?

Nick: Ah, we still mess around, but the Connelly Brothers never really bounced back minus one brother.

Louis Connelly: Have you seen Marshall lately?

Nick: Have you?

[Louis doesn't reply so nick changes the subject]

Nick: It's my birthday on Saturday, the session's at my place. Come, bring you're girlfriend! It's great seeing you man, remind me of New York, the good old days, eh?

Nick: When you give up your dream, you die.

Nick: When I was a kid all I wanted was to be able to afford to eat in restaurants like this.

Alex Owens: Were you poor?

Nick: I was so poor I had hand-me-down lunches.

Nick: I'll bring him a doggy bag if you'll have dinner with me.

Alex Owens: I told you, I don't think it's a good idea to go out with the boss.

Nick: OK. Have it your way. You're fired. I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight.

Pete: Number 174. 631503.

Nick: Pete, I don't want her zip code.

Pete: It's her Social Security number, asshole. She works for you.

Nick: What was he before he was a dog?

[first lines]

Nick: l'll tell you what. l'll give you the Cowboys and three.

Pete: Three and a half.

Nick: Take three, be happy.

Pete: Three and a half. l'm ecstatic.

Nick: What are you doing?

Jeremiah: It is a sin not to give to those in need.

Nick: According to who?

Jeremiah: Jeremiah.

Nick: And who is that?

Jeremiah: [turning in his apron] Me. My name is Jeremiah.

Nick: Who did the painting?

George: Some Greek with a moustache that Martha attacked one night.

Nick: To you, everybody's a flop. Your husband's a flop, I'm a flop.

Martha: You're all flops. I am the Earth Mother, and you are all flops.

Nick: May I use the... uh... bar?

George: Oh, yes... yes... by all means. Drink away... you'll need it as the years go on.

George: [to Honey] Hi, sexy. You wanna dance, angel boobs?

Nick: What'd you call my wife?

Nick: I'm tired, I've been drinking since nine o'clock, my wife is vomiting, there's been a lot of screaming going on around here!

George: Martha's got money because Martha's father's second wife, not Martha's mother but after Martha's mother died, was a very old lady with warts who was very rich.

Nick: She was a witch!

George: She was a good witch, and she married the white mouse with the tiny red eyes and he must have nibbled her warts or something like that, because she went up in a puff of smoke almost immediately. Poof!

Nick: Poof!

George: Poof! And all that was left, aside from some wart medicine, was a big fat will.

Nick: Your wife never mentioned a stepmother.

George: Maybe it isn't true.

Nick: Who did the painting?

George: Some Greek with a mustache Martha attacked one night.

Nick: It's got a...

George: Quiet intensity?

Nick: Well, no, a...

George: Well then, a certain noisy relaxed quality maybe?

Nick: No, what I meant was...

George: How about a quietly noisy relaxed intensity?

George: So you get testy, naturally, don't worry about it! Anybody who comes here ends up getting testy, it's expected. Don't be upset.

Nick: I'm not upset.

George: You're testy.

Nick: Yes.

George: Now that's it! You can take over a few classes from the older men, but until you start plowing pertinent wives, you really aren't working. The broad, inviting avenue to man's job is through his wife, and don't you forget it.

Nick: And I'll bet your wife has the broadest, most inviting avenue of the whole damn campus.

[long pause]

Nick: Her father president and all.

Nick: [to Honey] We'll go in a little while.

George: Oh no. No, you mustn't. Martha is changing, and Martha is not changing for me, Martha hasn't changed for me in years. If Martha is changing, that means we're going to be here for days. You're being accorded an honor, and you mustn't forget that Martha is the daughter of our beloved boss. She is his right... arm. I was going to use another word, but we'll leave that sort of talk to Martha.

Nick: You're gonna' regret this.

George: No doubt. I regret everything.

Nick: No, no, I mean *I'm* gonna' *make* you regret this.

George: Go clean up the mess.

Nick: You just wait, mister.

Nick: [to Stella, shyly] I love you. Doesn't matter, but I do.

Stella Raphael: [smiling] No, you don't.

Nick: I do. I love him, too.

Dawn: I have to know. About you two.

Nick: Well he loves me. Davy looked after me, yeah? Because of dad. But he kind of... owned me.

Dawn: That's not love.

Nick: He fucks you, but he loves me!

Dawn: He hates you! You have to go, I'll bring you money.

Nick: Where could I go?

Dawn: If you love him, you'll leave us!

Nick: [holding a lettuce] What's this?

David: You buggered it last night.

Dawn: You were sleep-walking.

Nick: Shit. Haven't done that in a while.

David: What, buggered a lettuce?

Nick: [about PTSD] It's like there's one of me fighting out there and one of me fighting in here.

[points to his head]

Nick: When did Chaz lose his virginity?

Randy: God, you're one-track-minded.

Nick: I'm glad Chaz didn't die a virgin.

Oliver Young: You hate public speaking.

Nick: This was important.

[Lexi has become blind, and Nick is encouraging her to try a skating jump as they train together]

Nick: Hey, try a jump!

Lexi: No.

Nick: Get some air! What's the worst that could happen?

Lexi: Well, I could fall on my butt, hit my head, and go deaf.

Nick: I wish you could see the sunset, Lex.

Lexi: I'd rather see your face.

Nick: Your parents know you're gay?

Peter: Sure. Told 'em when I was 16.

Nick: 16?

Peter: Yep, had a boyfriend in high school. They *freaked*. You know the usual bullshit: "How could you choose this kind of lifestyle Peter?" I said, "Hey, guys, it chose me." I mean, your dick knows what it likes. You reach puberty, you don't fucking decide what sex you like. You ask your dick. You say, "Hey, Dick, what do you like?" Okay. Alright. And you go for it.

Nick: And you said that to your parents?

Peter: In so many words.

[discussing Michael's boyfriend's leaving... ]

Nick: It's not fair. You've been in love a bunch.

Michael: Just once, really.

Nick: Now he's gone right?

Michael: [shaking his head] He's right here.

[points at Nick]

Nick: Hey, you can have my TV. Is that alright?

Michael: Stop.

Nick: Watch the video? It's my will.

Michael: Put it away.

Nick: I'm just showing you where it is

Michael: Bullshit. You know France is working on this new drug.

Nick: New drug, which we should get by the year two thousand. Maybe we should go to France.

Michael: Okay.

Peter: First, you gotta admit that I'm eminently irresistable...

Nick: Bullshit. You're a ditzball twinkie.

Nick: What do I get tonite?

Michael: [pretending to read menu] Hmmm... boiled nettles... hogweed... assorted thistles...

Michael: [mixing green colored drink] MMMmmm...

Nick: This macro psychotic diet is bullshit. You know it, and I know it.

Michael: Humor me.

Nick: [takes a sip] Yeah, straight from the cat.

Nick: [recording on videotape] Michael, I'll never understand how you fell for that... geek. I mean, the guy looks like a fucking Ken doll.

Nick: God, I don't know if you exist, but if you do... you've got me pissed!

Nick: Straight guys are jerks. Gay guys are jerks. Straight women are jerks. That leaves lesbians. And they're up in their ivory tower somewhere laughing their heads off at the rest of us.

Andrew Bingham: Dad sends me to church all the time, hoping I'll become straight.

Nick: Catholic church? Good luck!

Dr. Dave: Any vision problems?

Nick: Well, my right eye is like I'm looking through a tampon.

Tony: You do it again, I'm gonna get out the whip.

Nick: Promises, promises!

Nick: Lina and I almost made it once.

Lina Bingham: What?!

Nick: Yeah. We had this electric moment when you said to me, "Why do you have to be gay?" and I said to you, "Me? Why do you have to be a woman?"

Nick: So what do we think of Samantha Frank?

Charlene: She's a vacuum with nipples.

Nick: This is for you.

[He hands Monty a bust.]

Monty: For good luck?

Nick: Well, you always wanted me to give you head.

Nick: You look like you caught your balls in your zipper, Dr. Dave.

Nick: I might as well have a cigarette. It's not like it's going to kill me, right?

Nick: I've got ten days 'til I croak, right?

[first lines]

Nick: [narration over fish caught in net] It's amazing the way you get into things.

Danny: That's a great shirt.

Nick: Thanks, it's yours.

Danny: I knew it looked familiar. You can have my old jockstrap too - if it fits.

Ryan: I don't want to be in your dumb clubhouse anyway. I'm gonna build my own.

Darren: You do that.

Nick: Yeah you do that.

Darren: And take all your stupid girls with you!

Darren: Yeah, we don't want any stupid girls in our clubhouse.

Kira: Look up "muse" in the dictionary. Go on, page seven twenty-eight. Read it!

Sonny: Okay, all right. I'll read it.

[reading]

Sonny: "Muse; any one of the nine sister..."

Kira: Like the album cover? Mm-hmm?

Sonny: [reading] "Any one of the nine sister goddesses in Greek mythology, presiding over song, and poetry, and the arts and do you believe me now, Sonny?" How'd you do that? What's going on?

Kira: [Points at the TV] The television!

[the television comes on and is showing a movie in black and white with two characters, Nick and Vargas, having a conversation when Nick pulls a gun]

Nick: What should I do, Sonny? Dive at him, um, or make a martini?

Vargas: Who you talking to?

Nick: Sonny Malone. He doesn't believe Kira's a muse.

Sonny: How can you be talking to me? You're a movie!

Vargas: I ain't got time for this, Malone. Brenda's the only one that saw me at the racetrack. Now if the lady says she's a muse, she's a muse.

[Brenda Trent enters, played by Kira, who is still also outside of the television screen]

Vargas: Who's that? Brenda!

Sonny: Kira!

Brenda Trent: Sonny.

[Sonny slumps into a chair]

Nick: I think he needs a drink.

Kira: It's okay; I'll take care of it. Thanks!

Nick: Good luck on the opening of your joint, kid.

[Puts his hands up]

Nick: Wish I could be there.

[the television goes off]

Nick: A single commando raid is our only chance of rescuing Barbara and recovering the capotron.

Great Brother: If you think theres a ray of hope, go. But not on your own.

Guard: [Golob starts to move, two guards attempt to stop him] Hey!

Great Brother: Let him approach.

Golob: [speaks with difficulty] Golob go. Bar-bra... my friend.

Great Brother: Now I know there's hope.

Melissa: You are nuts!

Nick: Shut up, Melissa.

Melissa: I don't believe you. You people give me the creeps.

[walks away]

Nick: Hey, where do you think you're going?

Melissa: I'm going back to bed. You wanna come?

Nick: Look, Melissa, just stay here with us.

Melissa: It's not my style.

Nick: Don't go out there!

Melissa: Fuck you. And fuck you both!

[opens the door to see Jason standing there; he bludgeons her head with an axe]

Melissa: Hey Nick, you still mad at me?

Nick: What was that crap you pulled on Tina?

Melissa: That chick's crazy. Besides, all is fair in love and war.

Nick: Melissa, I don't even like you.

Melissa: "Like" has nothing to do with it.

Nick: Jason? Where's Jason?

Tina: [referring to her father] We took care of him.

Nick: There's gonna be a huge crash.

Hunt Wynorski: Of course there's a crash. There's always a fucking crash.

Hunt Wynorski: [about Janet] What's with that? She went from uptight but normal to uptight and totally insane.

Nick: Why do you gotta be a prick? She saw somebody die.

Hunt Wynorski: So did we.

Nick: Yeah, and we're all freaked out. Would it kill you to be sensitive?

Hunt Wynorski: I don't know. I've never tried it.

[Hunt begins to leave]

Lori: Where are you going?

Hunt Wynorski: If you're right about this whole crash thing, then I'm going to make the most of every moment I have left. So I'm gonna do what I do best: I'm gonna get laid. If I'm dying, I'm trying. Keep up the good fight, guys. And if I happen to bump into Janet, I will check on her.

Lori: Thanks.

Nick: That's the car that's gonna crash. We have to get out of here.

Janet: Thank God, I don't...

Lori: What?

Hunt Wynorski: What? No, no, I've got 500 dollars in that one, and I told you that...

Janet: No one cares about the money we have...

Nick: No, look! We've got to get the fuck out of here! Okay? Something's gonna happen, we are all gonna die! All right? 'Cause there's gonna be a crash!

George Lanter: I'm sorry for your loss.

Racist: Well? Nobody lives forever, nigger.

Nick: Hey there's no need for that, man.

Racist: Back off, you fucking freak!

George Lanter: It's time for you to leave, sir.

Racist: Time? Your time's coming, chocolate.

Mrs. Cunningham: Now kiss her!

Alex: She's my sister.

Mrs. Cunningham: Alex...

Mrs. Cunningham: Now the king!

Alex: Ew, kiss the KING?

Nick: On the mouth!

McBride: For a guy so fast on the disco floor, you sure are the slowest!

Nick: I was just talking to Wendy.

McBride: I thought you were going with the Hammond girl.

Nick: You can't tell Wendy anything she doesn't want to hear.

McBride: Wow, I wish I had your women problems!

Nick: Look at it! We don't even know what the hell that is. It can be just a light or a bomb or...

Danika: Or a sexual object; when you look right down to it, it looks like a...

[Nick interrupts immediately]

Karl Larson: I think you're making a big mistake, Captain.

Nick: [spins on his heels] Oh, yeah? You want to clarify that?

Karl Larson: I'm offering you the opportunity of a lifetime and you're passing it up for all of us.

Nick: For all of us? Your opportunity of a lifetime has cost us the life of our ship's captain, it has endangered the lives of this crew, and it's wasting our critical time. All this for some half-baked delusional belief that you'll make yourself rich. There is no opportunity here and there is no us.

Nick: [about the alien object] I'm not convinced we shouldn't just blow it out of the closest airlock.

Karl Larson: You can't be serious! Do you have any idea what you're saying?

Nick: I'm saying I don't know what the hell it is and nothing you've shown me or told me indicates that you do either. Maybe it is an alien artifact, maybe it's a magic trick. Maybe it's a distillation of knowledge from an advanced civilization, maybe it's just a toy, an alien's child toy.

Danika: Or an alien sex object; it looks like...

Nick: [Interrupts] Or maybe it was something so dangerous that the only way someone could finally get rid of it was by burying it... maybe... it has no business being on this ship.

Nick: I'm in favor of order. I'd say right now order is up by one point with one minute left and chaos has the ball.

Dr. Kaela Evers: When you said you'd been in worse situations than this, were you lying?

Nick: No. When we were falling toward the planet and the engines cut out? That was worse.

Nick: [Nick notices a robot ambling about erratically] God, what happened to your robot?

Dr. Kaela Evers: Nothing.

Nick: Really? I hope "nothing" doesn't happen to me.

Nick: Look. Since we don't bring out the pleasant side of each other, why don't you tell me what the hell bothers you so much about me, so I can...

Dr. Kaela Evers: I don't like Hazen. It's just not a type-H mind-altering escape. I don't like what it does to people who take it; I don't like what they do to others. I used to know someone...

Nick: I'm not someone.

Dr. Kaela Evers: I didn't say you were.

Nick: There's nothing I can do to change the past, yours or mine.

Dr. Kaela Evers: [sighs]

Nick: [places unused Hazen-withdrawl medication in front of her]

[whispers]

Nick: Heal thyself, doctor.

Nick: I've found that staying clean is like staying alive... you either are or you aren't.

Sara Palski: Hey!

Nick: Sara!

Sara Palski: Room for one more?

Nick: [as he's moving boxes to make room] Yeah totally. Right there, no problem.

Sara Palski: Cool.

[Sara snaps her fingers and her dog barks and jumps in the back]

Sara Palski: Good boy! You guys have fun back there.

Gordon: Not quite, uh, what we had in mind there Sara. But...

[Sara closes the boot of the car before Gordon finishes]

Blake: What are all these sharks doing here?

Nick: I dunno. Maybe someone put them there.

Gordon: So you're probably gonna have to get her drunk. You gonna make her one of your awesome mixed tapes? Those are amazing.

Nick: Don't disrespect the mixed tape, okay? First of all, your mom loves them.

Blake: [to Nick] You bastard!

Maya: What did you do?

Blake: You ran over his arm!

Nick: No! He fall!

Nick: He said he'd shoot me if I got any closer.

Lillian: Well that's his job.

Nick: Hold up. Your dad's right outside.

Grace: I don't care about that, and neither does he. Besides, I'll just tell him to give you another raise.

Sean: So what's your deal, what do you do?

Nick: As little as possible.

Sean: yea... but you gotta make money, you work?

Nick: I cruise, you know. I find something when I need to, kind of like the day to day thing.

Sean: What about the future? What do you wanna be doing say uh... ten years from now?

Nick: I don't give a shit... I could be dead tomorrow.

[Nick gives Sean the receipt]

Nick: Here. My treat. You pay. I'm going to go piss.

Sean: Like father, like son.

Nick: Shit, I hope not. My mom told me my dad was a cross-dressing Marine drill sargeant.

Sean: Yea, who gave you the right to play god with her life?

Nick: Hey, this all about survival of the fittest! You don't learn that and you are going to die... or worse...

Nick: We are fucked. Take a look at the world we inherited. We're a bunch of fast-food munching MTV freaks humping the great Amercian Dream. The generation before us sold their innocence for 200 digitally enhanced satellite stations, and it's been downhill ever since. They had Mickey Mouse, Easy Rider and The Beatles. Alright? We got South Park, The Blair Bitch and Ricky Martin. Alright? They had "Be here now!". We got "Shit Happens!". If that doesn't put thinks in perspective, i dunno what does. I mean, we're just Microsoft Neanderthals addicted to surfing netland, still shitting in our nests. And every time i think about giving a rat's ass, i picture Monica making millions from sucking Bill's little red rooster. Just rockets me right back into reality.

[last lines]

Megan: Just no more black magic

[last lines]

Nick: Got it!

Jessie: I don't know why he would ask you to talk to me.

Jessie: You don't know anything?

[Nick nods his head 'no']

Jessie: He has fresh bodywork done to his truck.

Nick: I - I - I - I think he may have hit a deer or something.

Addison: How long ago?

Nick: One? No, er - two weeks ago?

Jessie: Nick, someone you know was killed by a hit and run driver. That boy, no matter how screwed up you think he is, lost a brother. If you know something, you have a duty, a duty to say something.

Nick: I don't know anything.

Marilyn: So Nick tell us, what do you do?

Nick: I cut people up... but it's OK I'm a surgeon.

Gloria: What's it like?

Marilyn: Gloria, why don't you excuse yourself?

Nick: I met a family outside of Butler, Pennsylvania, they put me up for a few days, the Millers.Father had just been hired in a munitions factory, mother was a librarian.They were struggling but surviving, two kids, lovely things, boy and a girl.Anyway, I came down the stairs the second night I stayed there only to find the mother sitting in the corner weeping.She saw me and was startled, tried to explain what was wrong, stumbled through a confession, said she felt terribly unhappy, couldn't figure out why.She said she believed her life had a direction but no meaning what so ever.We got to talking and eventually she got to telling me things she never told anyone before, these were the things that were ruining the joys in her life.She wept all night, i'll never forget that, next morning at breakfast was oatmeal, shes smiling brighter than ever.I looked at her and she was smiling, I mean really looked and I could tell it was just a mask she had put back up.That's not anyway for a soul to find peace Marilyn.

Marilyn: And did you help that family?

Nick: I believe I did.

Nick: Really, Mike, it's logically stupid for you to be worried by this.

Nick: Last two women left on the face of the planet and they're in to each other... That don't do nothin but piss me off!

Nick: Did you just wet yourself?

Vix: I know I just did.

Nick: It's not just air freshener; it's antibacterial.

Nick: I haven't read the entire binder, but I'll bet "Killing Off Your Clients" would be top of the "Things To Avoid" list.

Nick: That's Elizabeth Carlson. I discovered her. That's right. I've found her, she was on the streets. Without me, she didn't even exist.

The Nice Girl at the Bar: Fancy meeting you here.

Nick: Any place there's awesome, I'm sure to be around.

Nick: Poverty, war, natural disaster... then back to the minibar.

Nick: There's always this stuff in the paper about a brave-battle-with-cancer but then you're also supposed to accept it and have a nice everybody-gather-round-and-hug-each-other death. And when's that turnaround supposed to happen?

[after Ziegler spontaneously introduces Nick to two large breasted female students, and one of whom tells Nick he can tell her anything instead of being shy]

Nick: Hmm...do you like to titty-fuck?

Ziegler: Nice to meet you, girls, have fun.

[carries Nick away]

Nick: [Tanya has just read Tony's note, in which he told her he's left. She's now at the mercy of Nick] You thought he loved you. Forget him. He's no good! Beautiful... I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to give you a nice job. Ah, that countess, she's getting too old. But you'll be an ornament to the place.

Spot White: Let me out of here!

Nick: You can shriek in here for three weeks, and nobody will ever hear you. It was a question of you, or a cargo of guns. And you lost! I'm having your trunk sent to your room. From now on, this is your home!

Spot White: I'll show you, you lying coolie!

Nick: Hmm?

[slaps her across the face]

Nick: You'll change your mind.

[walks out of the room]

Marty: Whoa, minutemen!

Nick: Correction, they are pissed minutemen!

[after Matt has been fired]

Nick: At least they didn't shoot you this time.

Nick: I never should have joined the physics club in high school.

Nick: We're all connected, you fool! You... me... everything!

J.K. Robertson: Connect me to *this*!

Nick: You're going to love Houdini, he's amazing. Adam, meet...

Nick, Adam Riley: [at same time] Jacob

Jacob Krause: Adam.

[Jacob and Adam both hug each other]

Jacob Krause: If someone told me I'd see you again among the land of the living, I'd tell them they were crazy. And I thought I had the gift of prophecy.

Adam Riley: What are you doing here?

Jacob Krause: Feeding his sheep.

[first lines]

Nick: Hey, were going to make it.

Lori: Not if you don't slow down.

Nick: Grand Canyon by sunrise, remember?

Lori: How can I forget.

Lori: Here, open your mouth.

Nick: What is it?

Lori: It's roast wolf.

Nick: I thought you were vegetarian.

Lori: It comes and goes.

Nick: I just moved here from Pittsburgh.

Mandy: [flirting, large smile] That's cool!

Nick: Well... so what do you guys do for fun around here?

[Kaley smiles seductively at him and slightly raises an eyebrow and the camera angle cuts to them syncing their phones]

Kaley: You got it?

Nick: Yeah. Kaylie Mack.

Mandy: [still smiling] I'll give you my number, too!

[Kaley looks at Mandy with subdued fury and then back at Nick]

Nick: Well, cool. Well, I'll catch you guys later.

[Kaley smiles and nods and he begins leaving]

Kaley: Nick! Avery's...

[seems hesitant or thinking while she speaks]

Kaley: having a party at her house this weekend

[pauses]

Kaley: ... if you wanna come.

Nick: [grins; chuckles] Maybe. Text me the details.

[holds up his phone; Kaley gives him a pleased smile as Avery looks mad and then when Nick leaves Kaley turns excitedly to the girls]

Avery: Kaley, what are you doing? I am not having a party.

Mandy: You have to!

[Kaley remembers Mandy's flirtation and her face turns serious]

Kaley: First of all, Mandy, I saw him first.

Mandy: [teeth clenched, smiling] No, you didn't.

[speaks normally]

Mandy: He talked to all three of us at the same. time.

Avery: I gave him the tissues, so I get first dibs.

Avery: [frustrated, amused] Guys, it doesn't matter, anyway!

Nick: [Nick walks from the building nonchalantly, carrying his skateboard and goes into John's passenger seat with a sigh as he sits] Got it. And they invited me to a party this weekend.

[hands John the phone]

John: [almost breathless] Wow.

Julie: I've just been made Chief Executive Officer.

Nick: No shit. Congrats. Hey, we can leverage this for that Pacific Net job.

Julie: I thought you said they were about to go belly-up.

Nick: With all due respect, I wasn't talking to CEO material before.

Julie: Listen, I was a bit harsh on you before...let me buy you a drink.

Paula: OK.

[to waiter]

Paula: Martell XO supreme.

Waiter: That's twenty dollars a glass.

Paula: I'll have a double.

Nick: (to Will) You sick bastard!

Nick: [complaining to tenant who just moved in upstairs] I'm an artist, and at night, I work in my room.

Will: What's that got to do with me?

Nick: It's not you, it's the noise. You'll hear for yourself these walls are paper thin. Well, the landlord, he told me that he only used the top floor for storage.

Will: So what? You want me to move at 2:00 in the morning?