Neil Patrick Harris Quotes in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?

Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.

Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!

Harold: Huh?

Neil Patrick Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.

Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.

[sings]

Neil Patrick Harris: Lapdance...

Kumar: [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions.

Neil Patrick Harris: You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.

[they park, pause]

Neil Patrick Harris: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...

Kumar: Look, chill.

Harold: We'll be right back, Neil.

[they exit the car]

Harold: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?

Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.

Neil Patrick Harris: [looks down to count money] Here's 50 for the meal, and 200 for the car.

Harold: What happened to my car?

Neil Patrick Harris: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see...

Kumar: So where you going to go now, Neil?

Neil Patrick Harris: [puts on sunglasses] Wherever God takes me!

Kumar: [about Doogie Howser, M.D] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?

Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.

Kumar: Even the chick who played the hot nurse?

Neil Patrick Harris: No... I didn't go all the way with her.

Neil Patrick Harris: Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. I said... "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."

Kumar Patel: Why did you do that?

Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake.

Kumar Patel: Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted?

Neil Patrick Harris: Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy.

Kumar Patel: Sure.

Neil Patrick Harris: Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H?

Harold Lee: Patrick Harris.

Neil Patrick Harris: No, common mistake. Poon handler.

Neil Patrick Harris: What's your name, miss?

Tits Hemmingway: Tits Hemmingway.

Neil Patrick Harris: Why do they call you that?

Tits Hemmingway: Beacause I have huge tits, and my favourite book is "A Moveable Feast".

Neil Patrick Harris: Well I hope you're ready for me, Tits. Because I'm going to rock out with my cock out, and you're going to jam out with your clam out. It's going to be magical.

Neil Patrick Harris: Gentlemen, start your engines! It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride.

Neil Patrick Harris: [on Unicorn] If you want to know the secret of being, you'll come with us.

Neil Patrick Harris: I have a lost love story of my own.

Kumar Patel: Oh yeah?

Neil Patrick Harris: I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in. Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet. She had these tiny little Hershey kisses nipples that you just wanted to suck on all night long. Anyway, last day of shooting I told her. I said "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up".

Kumar Patel: Why'd you do that?

Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. What a big mistake!

Neil Patrick Harris: [slaps himself in the face]

Neil Patrick Harris: The point is boys, even though I loved having sex with some hot random trim, a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda. Every time I see a bag of Hershey kisses, my balls get so wet.

[at a brothel, a la Ricky Ricardo]

Neil Patrick Harris: Pooo-sy! I'm home!

Neil Patrick Harris: [High] Did you see that unicorn? Its horn was so shiny...

Kumar Patel: Thanks for stopping.

Neil Patrick Harris: [turning around] No problem.

Harold Lee: Neil?

Neil Patrick Harris: Gary and Kumar!

Kumar Patel: What are you doing here, man?

Neil Patrick Harris: This is where God took me.

Harold Lee: Can you focus on the driving? Focus on the road. You've had dozens of shrooms, my friend.

Neil Patrick Harris: Uh, dude, I was able to perform an apendectomy at age 14. I think I can handle a couple of mushrooms.

Kumar Patel: Wasn't that just the TV show?

Ron Fox: Neil... Patrick... Harris.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yo.

Ron Fox: It is an honor to meet you, sir.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I would imagine so.

Kumar Patel: [after getting through checkpoint] Holy fucking shit that was awesome!

Neil Patrick Harris: Try having that conversation on shrooms. I deserve an Oscar for that performance!

Harold Lee: You do!

Neil Patrick Harris: Dudes, I'm going to take a little detour on the way, alright?

Harold Lee: No, Neil, no. We're almost there, man.

Neil Patrick Harris: No buts! No buts! I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on! If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me!

Neil Patrick Harris: [Absolute last line of movie; back at the brothel, he gets up slowly after having been shot supposedly to death by the owner earlier in the film] Mother-fucker!

Neil Patrick Harris: [during the telethon] How come I'm not hosting this?

Harold: You still haven't explained the gay thing.

Kumar: You're not gay, motherfucker!

Harold: At all.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken.

Kumar: What? Clay Aiken's not gay?

Neil Patrick Harris: Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.

Gracie: I thought you were gay!

Neil Patrick Harris: I *am* gay! Gay for that pussy.

Neil Patrick Harris: What did I tell you about using tongue?

David Burtka: You told me to make it realistic.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, realistic! Not fucking gay as shit!

Neil Patrick Harris: Look, don't be alarmed... but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about... 35 seconds.

David Burtka: I have Fred Savage on speed-dial.

Neil Patrick Harris: FUCK Savage! That crack is mine!