Ned Quotes in The Next Karate Kid (1994)

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Ned Quotes:

  • [Dugan is upset that no one else is willing to fight Julie]

    Sergeant Kesuke Miyagi: Enough!

    Colonel Dugan: No. It's not. War ain't over because one battle is.

    Sergeant Kesuke Miyagi: Then we fight.

    Colonel Dugan: [surprised/obliges] Oh yes.

    [takes cap off to reveal tough bald head]

    Colonel Dugan: I'm gonna put your lights out

    [Dugan grabs Miyagi's shirt and prepares to strike him but Miyagi easily rips Dugan's hands off. Dugan is shocked; the two then fight and after a moment it's over]

    Sergeant Kesuke Miyagi: [holding Dugan to ground and preparing to strike him] Now time to put your lights out.

    [Mr. Miyagi instead lets him go. Dugan is very embarrassed. The students go up to him disappointed]

    Ned: You said, you had all the answers, Colonel.

    [after a brief pause]

    Ned: You were wrong.

  • Fred: And the real identity of Ned is...

    [Fred pulls Ned's Hair]

    Ned: Ow!

    Fred: [angrily] Ned!

  • Ned: But we cuddled!

  • Ned: Phil? Hey, Phil? Phil! Phil Connors? Phil Connors, I thought that was you!

    Phil: Hi, how you doing? Thanks for watching.

    [Starts to walk away]

    Ned: Hey, hey! Now, don't you tell me you don't remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you.

    Phil: Not a chance.

    Ned: Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. Ned Ryerson: I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing! Ned Ryerson: got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson: I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple times until you told me not to anymore? Well?

    Phil: Ned Ryerson?

    Ned: Bing!

    Phil: Bing.

  • Ned: Phil?

    Phil: Ned?

    [Punches Ned in the face]

  • Ned: So what are you doing for dinner?

    Phil: Umm... something else.

  • Ned: Phil, this is the best day of my life.

    Phil: Mine too.

    Rita: Mine too.

    Ned: Where are we going?

    Rita: Oh, let's not spoil it!

  • Ned: Do you have life insurance, Phil? Because if you do, you could always use a little more, right? I mean, who couldn't? But you wanna know something? I got the feeling...

    [whistles]

    Ned: ... you ain't got any. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Am I right?

  • Phil: Ned Ryerson?

    Ned: BING!

  • Ned: I got friends who live and die by the actuarial tables.

  • Ned: So, who's the lucky chap? What's his name?

    Rachel: Her name... is Luce.

    Tessa: Luce? As in a woman? As are you a woman? So you mean you two are lesbifriends?

    Rachel: It doesn't matter what you call it, it's not going to happen.

  • Beth: So, Ned. How long have you guys been married, then?

    Ned: Thirty Years.

    Beth: [tenderly] Oh.

    Ned: If I'd killed her when I first thought about it, I'd be out by now. A free man.

  • Ned: I love the smell of hot dogs in the evening. Smells like... hot dogs.

  • Omar: [speaking extremely slowly] I'm Officer Omar Coleman. I'm your parole officer.

    Ned: I'm Ned Rochlin. Why are you talking so slow?

    Omar: [now speaking normally] I just figured, looking at your sheet, that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer that you must be retarded.

    Ned: Yeah, I get that a lot.

  • Ned: I like to think that if you put your trust out there; if you really give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion.

  • Billy: Nothing like two dudes and a dog making candles.

    Ned: Such a cliche.

  • Ned: Ok I, I really didn't want to get litigious, but I brought a lawyer.

    Cindy: [off-screen, shouting into the phone] Well I am sorry I don't have a fat, throbbing cock for you!

    Janet: That's some Ivy League shit out there, man.

  • Ned: [working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop] Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.

    Billy: It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!

    Ned: That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another another candle.

    Billy: Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!"

    Ned: [agreeing, amused by the idea] I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!

    Billy: [still revising his literary contribution] Trust me man... I have been other candles!

  • Ned: I need some leg warmers, my Croc is stuck!

  • Ned: Hey, you know, I've been meaning to tell you. You're doing a really good thing here, Omar. Seriously. I mean you talk to us screw-ups, you give us a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

    Omar: Thanks, man. So you get out of bed in another three weeks, OK?

    Ned: I'll do it.

    Omar: I appreciate the compliment. It's rare that we get love from the clients.

    Ned: Well, you're a good dude. And I just needed this appointment today, I'm having a tough go of it. I swear, I try and do good, but I just screw it up. Man, I screwed it up with my sisters, I'm back living with my mom. On top of it all, I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the street from me.

    Omar: OK, I didn't just hear that.

    Ned: I said I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the stre...

    Omar: What are you doing? Hey! Ned, why are you telling me this?

    Ned: I just need to unload, man. That's part of why I'm here, right?

    Omar: I'm not your therapist, Ned. You don't tell your parole officer you got high. Now I have to report you or I could lose my job.

    Ned: Seriously? Can you forget I said that?

    Omar: No, Ned, I can't.

    Ned: Aw, fuck.

  • Billy: Do you think this is an ugly candle?

    Ned: No way, man. There's no such thing as an ugly homemade candle.

  • Jeremy: [Referring to Ned not being able to go through with a 3-way with a man and a woman] Just because you're straight doesn't mean you're homophobic.

    Ned: [Feeling ashamed of himself] I don't know, maybe I should have tried harder.

  • Ned: [looking for his dog Willy Nelson] Hey man, have you seen Willy Nelson?

    Billy: Oh, Yeah, definitely.

    Ned: When?

    Billy: [realizing what was actually asked] Oh you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!

  • Ned: This is like free therapy. New York State cares.

  • Ned: [about River] You know, he's just a little boy. Little boys fight. Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist.

  • Miranda: Every man I meet is either a dick or a looser.

    Ned: What about Jeremy? He's not a dick. And he's not a looser, either.

    Miranda: Well, that's debatable. He doesn't even have health insurance.

    Ned: Neither do I. At least I don't think I do.

  • Ned: I can believe most anything, my problem is I just don't care

  • Bobby: We're all going to fry for those guards we shot

    Ned: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me you shot the guards Bob.

  • Deputy: Father, Father I've been shot

    Ned: I'm very happy for you

  • Ned: I still say it's PMS.

  • Frieda: What does the name 'Aglet' mean anyway?

    Braydon: Well a long time ago 'Aglet' meant 'He who puts those tiny little plastic things on shoelaces' you see a long time a go a mans' name was his profession.

    Frieda: Oh so a man named Fred Carpenter would build houses and John Baker would make bread

    Braydon: Exactly

    Ned: So what did John Hancock do?

  • [Boon giving directions to Ned on how to use the Winton Flyer]

    Ned: Boon, when do you think I can have it?

    Boon Hoggenbeck: String bean you so much to lay a hand on this automobile, I'll jump down your throat, and tap dance on your lungs!

  • Ned: [to son chatting the on the Internet] You're not talking to people you don't know, are you?

    Jonah: Uhh, you mean potential pedophiles?

    Ned: Mm-hm.

    Jonah: Just ones that live around here.

  • Ned: I better go pick Jonah up before someone else does.

  • Jonah: I'm not interested in being with someone who's older. I... I just wanna dance with other people who are gay.

    Ned: I think I'd rather talk about the smell of pee.

  • Jeannie: Ned...

    Ned: I think he should change, or he can't go.

    Jonah: This is what people wear to a dance.

    Ned: Why don't you just go in a jock strap?

    Jeannie: You're being ridiculous.

    Ethan: You can sort of see the outline of your penis in those.

  • Ned: Did that sweater look that gay on me.

  • Garrett: Are you done?

    Ned: To a crisp.

  • Ned: You look good.

    Jeannie: I feel old.

    Ned: But you look good and that's the main thing.

  • Ned: I don't want you dancing with college kids. Period.

    Jonah: What are they gonna do? Rape me?

  • Jeannie: [Epeaking about Ernie] I don't even like him.

    Ned: You're a good daughter.

    Jeannie: I'm a guilty daughter.

  • Ethan: Is Grandpa Ernie gonna eat every meal with us?

    Ned: Only if he's good. If he's bad, we force him to eat in his own room - excuse me, your room.

  • Bovver: [after Matt has been introduced to the guys and sent to buy a round] What's with all the fuckin' babysitting? You know we had a meet set up for today.

    Pete Dunham: It's all right, Bov. He'll stay out the way. It's not like we didn't have it last night.

    Bovver: What? That's not the bloody point, is it? We'll look like right mugs if we set something up and our fearless leader don't show 'cause he's playin' pin the tail on a fuckin' Yank.

    Ned: No, he's right, man. He's got a point.

    Pete Dunham: You let me worry 'bout that, all right, boys?

    [Matt returns with the beers]

    Pete Dunham: As for the Yank, he's too modest to tell you, but back in the States, he's an internationally-ranked double-black belt in karate.

    Dave: Is he fuck? Look at the size of him.

    Pete Dunham: No, no, no, no. Bloody "Karate Kid" film? Based on his exploits.

    Dave: Really?

    Pete Dunham: Yeah.

    Dave: Really?

    Matt Buckner: Yeah, it's true.

    Pete Dunham: Fuckin' straight.

    Swill: Bollocks.

    [Matt looks at Swill nervously]

    Swill: Bollocks.

    Matt Buckner: Come on, why not?

    Swill: You're lyin' already. You been here fuckin' five minutes and you're lyin'!

    [everybody laughs]

  • Matty: [to Ned] You aren't too smart, are you? I like that in a man.

    Ned: What else do you like? Lazy? Ugly? Horny? I got 'em all.

    Matty: You don't look lazy.

  • Ned: You can stand here with me if you want but you'll have to agree not to talk about the heat.

    Matty: I'm a married woman.

    Ned: Meaning what?

    Matty: Meaning I'm not looking for company.

    Ned: Then you should have said I'm a happily married woman.

  • Ned: Maybe you shouldn't dress like that.

    Matty: This is a blouse and a skirt. I don't know what you're talking about.

    Ned: You shouldn't wear that body.

  • Ned: Can I buy you a drink?

    Matty: I told you. I've got a husband.

    Ned: I'll buy him one too.

    Matty: He's out of town.

    Ned: My favorite kind. We'll drink to him.

    Matty: Only comes up on weekends.

    Ned: I'm liking him better all the time.

  • Ned: I need someone to take care of me, someone to rub my tired muscles, smooth out my sheets.

    Matty: Get married.

    Ned: I just need it for tonight.

  • Matty: Would you get me a paper towel or something? Dip it in some cold water.

    Ned: Right away. I'll even wipe if off for you.

    Matty: You don't want to lick it?

  • Matty: What are you doing in Pine Haven?

    Ned: I'm no yokel, I was all the way to Miami once.

  • Ned: Sometimes the shit comes down so heavy I feel like I should wear a hat.

  • Ned: You better take me up on this quick. In about 45 minutes, I'm going to give up and go away.

  • Ned: I like this place; it's got a nice feel.

    Matty: You were on top.

    Ned: So it could use a better mattress. See to it, will you?

    Matty: Yes, sir.

  • Ned: How's the cop business, Oscar?

    Oscar: Real good. Always starts hopping in weather like this. When it gets this hot, people try to kill each other.

  • Ned: Hey lady, ya wanna fuck?

    Mary Ann: Gee, I don't know. Maybe. This sure is a friendly town.

  • Peter: I think I've underestimated you, Ned. I don't know why it took me so long. You've started using your incompetence as a weapon.

    Ned: My defense was evolving. You guys got scared.

  • Matty: My temperature runs a couple of degrees high, around a hundred. I don't mind. It's the engine or something.

    Ned: Maybe you need a tune up.

    Matty: Don't tell me. You have just the right tool.

  • Peter: Assistant County Prosecutor is not the end of the line for me.

    Ned: No, no. Someday, Deputy County Prosecutor.

  • Jack: You don't know what you're getting into, man.

    Ned: Oh, that's funny, because that's what I was just about to say to you.

  • Ned: Not many people ask for room 13.

    Jack: So it's available, yeah?

    Ned: Was you asked to ask for that number?

    Jack: Asked to ask?

    Ned: Were you?

    Jack: I'm asking you.

    Ned: Room 13...

    Jack: It's my lucky number. I'm a contrarian, you know?

    Ned: You either a contrarian or you're a victim.

  • Ned: What is that thing?

    Bill: That's the Blessed Virgin, Ned.

    Ned: She's pretty, huh?

    Bill: Not only is she pretty, but she's got a nice personality, and she's the mother of God.

  • Ned: Nothing like a machine to make a man feel insignificant.

  • Ned: Listen, Dennis. Let me tell you something about the law. The law is just a contract. A contract between the rich people who own everything, and the poor people who want to take it away. And the contract says, if you break the law and get away with it fine. But if you break the rules and get caught you got to play by the rules and pay the price. It's no big moral thing, you don't need ideology to knock off a liquor store.

  • Natalie Keener: [using Ned as an example to fire someone over the internet using video conference] Mr. Laskim, The reason we're having this conversation is because your position at this company is no longer available

    Ned: [reading the script he was given] I don't understand I'm fired?

    Natalie Keener: Hearing the words "you've been let go" is never easy change is always scary but consider the following: anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it.

    Ryan Bingham: [while watching her presentation, quietly to a colleague] that's my fucking line

    Ned: what happens now?

    Natalie Keener: This is the first step in a new process that will end with you at a job that fulfills you

    Ned: Yeah, but how does it work?

    Natalie Keener: You're going to take the packet in front of you review it, all the answers you're looking for are inside. Start filling out the necessary information and before you know it and before you know it you'll be on your way to new opportunities. I need you to go back to your desk and putting together your things. As a favor to me I'd appreciate it if you don't spread the news just yet panic doesn't help anyone

    Ned: I understand

    Natalie Keener: [to the staff] give it up for Ned

    Natalie Keener: [concluding her presentation] You can start the morning in Boston stop in Dallas over lunch and finish the day in San Francisco all for the price of a T-1 line. Our inflated travel budget increased by eighty five percent, more importantly to you guys on the road, no more Christmases in a hotel in Tulsa no more hours lost to weather delays you get to come home.

  • Damien: How many British soldiers in the country, Tim?

    Tim: Too many.

    Damien: How many?

    Teddy: About ten thousand, Damien.

    Damien: Ten Thousand. Tans, artillery units, machine-gun car, cavalry...

    Teddy: And many more besides. What's your point, Damien?

    Damien: It's young men like Micheail we're talkin' about, Teddy.

    Teddy: Micheail was a real Irishman, Damien.

    Ned: You're a coward, Damien.

    Damien: I'm a coward? And you're a hero, isn't it, Ned? You're gonna take down the British army with your hurley, is that it?

    Rory: For Christ's sake, Damien. What about Micheail?

    Damien: Look, Micheail was killed because he wouldn't say his name in English. Is that what you call a martyr, Teddy, is it?

    Sinead: So we should all buy a one-way ticket to London, is that it, Damien?

  • [talking about Western relations with Russia]

    Barley: Aren't we supposed to be such good friends now?

    Ned: [sarcastically] Oh, my dear lord...

    Walter: Because this year it suits them to roll over on their backs and play nice doggie? Because this year they're on the floor anyway? You ninny! All the more reason to spy the living daylights out of them. Kick them in the balls every time they get to their knees.

  • Russell: [on the phone with Ned] I've heard the tapes and I've never so much pussy-footing around in my life! Barley needs to tell Katya, 'No more Greta fucking Garbo!' And Dante better shit or get off the pot! We're being pelted with crap on the streets over here!

    Ned: Alright, Russell, message understood.

    [Hangs up and calls someone over]

    Ned: Russell's metaphors are becoming rather scatological.

  • [Russell produces a stack of reports on the analysis of Dante's material]

    Clive: And is there a conclusion?

    Russell: Clive, there is a conclusion: drop it down the toilet.

    Ned: And is that what you think, Russell?

    Russell: Well, expert opinion has that this notebook was written very quickly... or very slowly. By a man, or a woman. The writer was right-handed, or he was left-handed. What I think? For "experts," there's no toilet deep enough.

  • Ned: The issue is: "why"? That's what you're looking for all the time: we trust the motive, we trust the man, and we can trust the material. Why did Dante pick on Katya? Why does he put her life at risk? Why does she let him? Is she a spy?

  • Ned: [over lunch] Lenny, you're a lucky man.

    Lenny: I know that. I keep reminding myself. You got a wife or anything? No? You'd have to take second best anyhow. If you saw Linda and me at a restaurant like this, you'd say, "There's a mismatch." I've seen it in people's eyes: "How did a guy like HIM get a girl like HER? He must be rich."... Not that I'm not trying.

  • Linda: [at dinner with Ned] ... Lenny told me about the mistake today. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He was sort of counting on that sale to break into the business.

    Lenny: [to Linda] That doesn't mean anything to Ned.

    Ned: What doesn't mean anything?

    Lenny: Hustling for money. You're above all that.

    Ned: I worry about money, just like everybody else.

    Lenny: But you got some backstops. You start falling down that well, you got some slats across to catch yourself, right? You got your professor-father. You got an education. You got the Financial Journal. You can't fall too far. My old man's an ex-printer on disability! My mother is a secretary for the Ladies Garment Workers Union! I'VE GOT A HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION!

  • [to Rachael]

    Ned: You remember you asked me to tell you a happy story?

    Rachael: [Nods]

    Ned: This is it. Me and you. We're my happy story.

  • Ned: Oh, believe me, I mean wish to god I could take it back. I mean I wish I could un-fuck her...

    Rachael: You wish you could un-fuck her? You know what? If people could un-fuck people, then there world be a world full of virgins and I wouldn't have slit fucking my wrists!

  • Ned: Well shit, if I can't hate the blacks, who can I hate.

    Rachael: I'm sure you'll find somebody, Ned.

  • Ned: Look, just because I'm a racist doesn't mean I'm not sensitive.

  • Rachael: Just so I understand, um, you're going to have a war to divide up the country, in order to keep blacks away from the whites. Then sneak across the border and meet me for coffee?

    Ned: Or a movie of something...

    Rachael: It's a date. I'll meet you on the barbed wire fence.

  • Rachael: How come all your stories end up with you getting injured?

    Ned: Oh, I don't know. makes the story better, I guess.

  • Ned: I don't understand. Why would Hitler be reincarnated as a nigger woman?

  • Ned: It was cool. I almost got killed. Not everyone almost gets killed. The only reason why I didn't die was 'cause I had to pee. That's pretty cool.

  • [last lines]

    Ned: I shot a child molester. I shot him dead. I'm a hero. I'm an American hero.

    Ned's Dad: That you are. Deal him in.

    Ned: Deal me in!

  • Ned: [Runs around howling like an Indian in a headdress, he sees a Police officer staring at him] Oh, shit.

  • Ned: [shoots arrow at target after Brenda sets it up] Ta-da!

    Brenda: Are you crazy?

    Ned: Wanna see my trick shot? It's even better.

    Brenda: I don't believe you!

    Ned: [imitating Humphrey Bogart] You know, you're beautiful when you're angry, sweetheart.

    Brenda: Oh, yeah?

    Ned: Yeah.

    Brenda: Are you gonna help me or scare me to death? If you do that again, I'll tack you up to the wall to dry.

    Ned: Yeah! I love that sexy talk.

  • Officer Dorf: I'm looking for somebody.

    Ned: Now, who's that?

    Officer Dorf: Guy named Ralph. Town crazy.

    Ned: [acting silly with the stereotypical Native American headdress on] Well, there's no crazy people around here!

    Officer Dorf: I told you to sit on it, Tonto!

  • Ned: He neglected to mention that downtown they call this place Camp Blood.

    Marcie: Next, they're going to tell us there are poisonous snakes in the outhouse and crocodiles in the lake.

    Jack: The crocodiles are in the cabin.

  • Ned: If you were a flavor of ice cream, what would it be?

    Marcie: Rocky road.

  • Ned: [after dancing around, doing a rain dance with a stereotypical Native American headdress on] Yeah, right, I'm just fooling around...

    Officer Dorf: Hey, can it, Cochise.

  • Alice: [Bill's just killed the snake] Is it dead?

    Ned: Either that or it's got a very short clone.

    Marcie: Well, at least we know what's for dinner.

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Characters on The Next Karate Kid (1994)