Narrator Quotes in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)


Narrator Quotes:

  • Narrator: "Where must we go, we who wander this wasteland, in search of our better selves?" -The First History Man

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The Red Sash Cowboy Gang was broken forever. Ike Clanton was shot and killed two years later during an attempted robbery. Mattie died of a drug overdose shortly after she left Tombstone. Virgil and Allie Earp moved to California where Virgil, despite the use of only one arm, became a town sheriff. Wyatt and Josephine embarked on a series of adventures. Up or down, thin or flush, in 47 years they never left each other's side. Wyatt Earp died in Los Angeles in 1929. Among the pallbearers at his funeral, were early western stars William S. Hart and Tom Mix. Tom Mix wept.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: 1879 - the Civil War is over, and the resulting economic explosion spurs the great migration west. Farmers, ranchers, prospectors, killers, and thieves seek their fortune. Cattle growers turn cow towns into armed camps, with murder rates higher than than those of modern day New York or Los Angeles. Out of this chaos comes legendary lawman Wyatt Earp, retiring his badge and gun to start a peaceful life for his family. Earp's friend, John, Doc Holliday, a southern gentlemen turned gunman and gambler, also travels west, hoping the dry climate would relieve his tuberculosis. Silver is discovered in Arizona. Tombstone becomes queen of the boom towns where the latest Pairs fashions are sold from the backs of wagons. Attracted to this atmosphere of greed, over 100 exiled Texas outlaws band together to form the ruthless gang recognized by the red sashes they wear. They emerge as the earliest example of organized crime in America. They call themselves, The Cowboys.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: So you see, the story is not quite as you were told, and I should know, for I was the one they called "Sleeping Beauty". In the end, my kingdom was united not by a hero or a villain, as legend had predicted, but by one who was both hero and villain. And her name was Maleficent.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Let us tell an old story anew, and we will see how well you know it. Once upon a time, there were two kingdoms that were the worst of neighbors. So vast was the discord between them that it was said only a great hero or a terrible villain might bring them together. In one kingdom lived folk like you and me, with a vain and greedy king to rule over them. They were forever discontent, and envious of the wealth and beauty of their neighbors, For in the other kingdom, the Moors, lived every manner of strange and wonderful creature. And they needed neither king nor queen, but trusted in one another. In a great tree on a great cliff in the Moors lived one such spirit. You might take her for a girl, but she was not just any girl. She was a fairy. And her name was Maleficent.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born and schooled in London, graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training. Displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical course work and final year examinations. Received a Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving... and advanced cycling. He became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day, he holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.

  • [first lines]

    [Camera shoots past the moon to slowly zoom in on the Earth]

    Narrator: This is the Earth, at a time when the dinosaurs roamed a lush and fertile planet.

    [From behind the camera, a giant asteroid appears, speeding towards the Earth ahead of it]

    Narrator: A piece of rock just 6 miles wide changed all that.

    [Blazing through the atmosphere, the asteroid impacts with a spectacular display of fire and destruction]

    Narrator: It hit with the force of 10,000 nuclear weapons. A trillion tons of dirt and rock hurtled into the atmosphere, creating a suffocating blanket of dust the sun was powerless to penetrate for a thousand years. It happened before. It will happen again. It's just a question of when.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And that is how the Minions found their new boss! He was cunning! He was evil! He was perfect! He was... despicable!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: At the beginning of the 21st century, the Umbrella Corporation had become the largest commercial entity in the United States. Nine out of every ten homes contain its products. Its political and financial influence is felt everywhere. In public, it is the world's leading supplier of computer technology, medical products, and healthcare. Unknown, even to its own employees, its massive profits are generated by military technology, genetic experimentation, and viral weaponry.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if nobody can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In New York City there's a fine line between law and chaos. On that line live Danson and Highsmith.

  • Allen Gamble: [as Gamble and Hoitz leaves Beaman's office in shame and disgrace] Wow, Mauch was upset, huh?

    Terry Hoitz: Really? The only thing I had to proud of in my life was being a detective. That's all I had. Now, it's gone.

    Allen Gamble: I know. Well, you still got me.

    Terry Hoitz: Don't you get it? I don't want you, Allen. I never did. I told you that scaffolding violation was dogshit.

    Allen Gamble: I've can't believe you still doubt me after everything we've seen. It's a real case and I'm a real cop. We just got the wrong target for Ershwon.

    Terry Hoitz: You carry a rape whistle.

    Allen Gamble: This is real cop's work.

    Terry Hoitz: There is nothing about you that makes a man a man, ok? You've got no gun, no car, no wife, and now you've got no partner. Leave me alone!

    [Terry walks away from Allen in anger; "Season of the Witch", performed by Donovan, plays]

    Narrator: A mutt case...

    Allen Gamble: [insulted] Terry, I am a cop for your information, ok?

    Narrator: ...a broken partnership...

    Allen Gamble: [yells] I'm a cop!

    Narrator: ...and getting busted down to a shitty assignment. Allen and Terry have hit the trifecta.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In 1988, the crime rate in the United States rises four hundred percent. The once great city of New York becomes the one maximum security prison for the entire country. A fifty-foot containment wall is erected along the New Jersey shoreline, across the Harlem River, and down along the Brooklyn shoreline. It completely surrounds Manhattan Island. All bridges and waterways are mined. The United States Police Force, like an army, is encamped around the island. There are no guards inside the prison, only prisoners and the worlds they have made. The rules are simple: once you go in, you don't come out.

  • Narrator: The future... The polar ice caps have melted, covering the earth with water. Those who survived have adapted, to a new world.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called "Max." To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time... when the world was powered by the black fuel... and the desert sprouted great cities of pipe and steel. Gone now... swept away. For reasons long forgotten, two mighty warrior tribes went to war, and touched off a blaze which engulfed them all. Without fuel they were nothing. They'd built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and stopped. Their leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the avalanche. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of looting, a firestorm of fear. Men began to feed on men. On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed... men like Max... the warrior Max. In the roar of an engine, he lost everything... and became a shell of a man... a burnt-out, desolate man, a man haunted by the demons of his past, a man who wandered out into the wasteland. And it was here, in this blighted place, that he learned to live again.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so began the journey north to safety, to our place in the sun. Among us we found a new leader - the man who came from the sky... the Gyro-Captain. And just as Pappagallo had planned, we traveled far beyond the reach of men on machines. The juice, the precious juice, was hidden in the vehicles.

    [camera on Feral Kid]

    Narrator: As for me, I grew to manhood, and in the fullness of time, I became the leader... the Chief of the Great Northern Tribe.

    [camera on Max, pulling away from him]

    Narrator: And the Road Warrior? That was the last we ever saw of him. He lives now... only in my memories.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the Sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world. Then, came the dark empire of Acheron, where cruel Necromacers sought 'Secrets Of Resurrection'. They crafted a mask from the bones of kings, and awakened it's wrath with the pure blood of their daughters. The mask summoned spirits of unspeakable evil, giving them power that no mortal man should posses.

    Narrator: Acheron enslaved the civilized world. Only The Barbarian tribes were left to rise up against them. The mask was shattered and Acheron vanished. Each tribe kept a shard so that no man might attempt to join them back together, and drive the world once again into chaos and ruin. The pieces were scattered across the land and remained hidden for ages.

    Narrator: But prophecy spoke of the man who would someday try to reassemble the mask and rule the world. So, came the dawn of Hyborian Age, a time both bleak and brutal. And so came a child, born of battle...

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Ancient feudal Japan, a land shrouded in mystery, forbidden to foreigners. A group of magical islands home to witches and demons. A nation of rival provinces whose lords were ruled by a shogun whose will is absolute. Peace in the realm is kept by the samurai, master swordsmen tasked with protecting their lord and their province at all costs. Should a samurai ever lose of fail his master, he suffers the greatest shame in all Japanese society. He becomes a ronin. And yet, to know they story of the 47 Ronin, is to know the story of all Japan.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: At the center of the universe, at the border between the light and the dark stands Castle Greyskull. For countless ages, the Sorceress of Greyskull has kept this universe in harmony. But the armies of darkness do not rest, and the capture of Greyskull is ever most in their minds. For with those that control Greyskull, will come the Power... The power to be supreme... the power to be almighty... the power to be... Masters of the Universe!

  • [Jack Slater is Hamlet]

    Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!

    Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.

    Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.

    Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?

    Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.

    Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be.

  • Narrator: And so, onward and upward the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies over perilous paths. When they beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, the reacted with awe.

    Group: Awwww...

    Narrator: I said, "Awe." A-W-E.

    Group: Ooh...

    Narrator: That's better.

  • Narrator: Don't worry. Nobody dies in this story. They just get really big boo-boos.

  • Max: Thor, were you fighting with the Narrator?

    Thor: Well, he started it.

    Narrator: Did not.

    Thor: You did too.

    Narrator: Did not.

    Thor: You did too.

    Narrator: Did not.

    Thor: You did too!

    Max: Thor, stop it.

  • Narrator: [after George is shot] Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because let's face it, he's the hero.

  • Narrator: Twenty five years later, the bouncing baby boy has grown into a swinging jungle king. He is swift, he is strong, he is sure, he is smart...

    [George hits tree and falls down]

    Narrator: ...he is unconscious.

  • Ursula Stanhope: And you can watch TV, and eat, and relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Just stay here.

    Narrator: Stay here? George is king of the jungle. No four walls built by modern man can contain him

    George: Not true. George have every intention of doing exactly what Ursula say.

    Narrator: Really? Is that so?

    George: For a while.


  • Narrator: Well, Ursula's fiancè is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now.

    Betsy: Hi.

    Ursula Stanhope: Hi.

    Betsy: I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?

    Ursula Stanhope: Oh, he's in the waterf... he's in the shower.

    Betsy: Not anymore.

    Ursula Stanhope: Oh! George.

    [sees him naked]

    George: Bad waterfall. First water get hot, then George slip on this strange yellow rock.

    [sees Betsy]

    George: Oh. Hi, George of Jungle.

    Betsy: Charmed, I'm sure.

    Ursula Stanhope: George, hold this big book.

    [he holds book covering his front part]

    Ursula Stanhope: Cover the booty.

    [puts bowl on behind]

    Ursula Stanhope: Let's get you some clothes. Sorry, Betsy.

    George: Bye.

    Betsy: No problem.

    [to herself]

    Betsy: Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.

  • Lyle: White ape. Sounds like a drink


    Lyle: Yes, bartender, I'll have two black russians and a white ape.

    Narrator: A drink the venal Van de Groot would be begging to imbibe, if he only knew how close the white ape was at that very moment. Flying through the foliage, surveying the scenery, and swinging on through the trees with effortless ease.

    George: [hits tree] Ow!

  • Narrator: The ape named ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome...

    [jungle call]

    Narrator: Hey, I'm pretty good at that. And wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all around good guy George of the Jungle was closer than he knew.

    [noises come from crate and it opens with George in it]

    George: Next time George get bigger box.

  • Narrator: Later, in the Men's Department, after discovering his long lost brothers, the jungle king was pleased to find he looked pretty good in Armani.

    George: Pretty darn good.

  • Narrator: But his rapturous rendezvous with the urban heiress was to be short-lived, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close! That is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... sleeping bag.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Deep in the heart of Africa is a place no man has ever entered. The place that belongs to the lion, the elephant and the ape. A place known as the Bukuvu. Travellers flying overhead can only glimpse at its many marvels, its sparkling rivers, its lush veldts, its billowy cloud formations and its hidden mountains. Never fear, my friends. All was not lost. Scraped and boo-booed, they searched high and low, but they never recovered their most precious cargo.

  • Narrator: Meanwhile, at a very expensive waterfall set...

  • Narrator: Every story gets to have a really big coincidence, and here's ours:

  • Thor: George of the Jungle must be halfway to 'Frisco by now.

    Narrator: But our plotting poachers were only half correct for at that very moment, our handsome hero was all the way to San Francisco.

  • [reaching the end of a long trail]

    Thor: Max, look! We're back at the tree house!

    Ape: Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.

    Max: Oh, no!

    Narrator: "Oh, no" was right! Because even at that moment...

    Thor: [looking up] Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like what we should do now?

    Narrator: Because I don't like you.

    Thor: Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a...

    Narrator: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

    [there is a thunderous bang, and both Thor and Max stagger, as though hit]

    Narrator: Having some fun now, huh?

  • Narrator: [on seeing Shep's trunk wrapped around a giant "Milkbone."] Wait a second. The dog bone is too much. Lose it. That's better.

  • Narrator: After a night of feverish fantasies, the perfectly permed heiress, Ursula Stanhope, awoke to the melodious music of the Bukuvu bird life, and found herself venturing forth in search of that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle. But that's not who she saw first.

  • Narrator: And so, jazzed on java, George of the Jungle made his way into the city by the way.

  • Narrator: Meanwhile, back in the jungle...

  • Narrator: When they approached it, they gazed in awe.

    Group: Aaawwwwww

    Narrator: I said *Awe* - A... W... E!

    Group: Oooooohhhh

    Narrator: That's better!

  • Narrator: Meanwhile, at a very big and expensive waterfall set, Ursula was amazed that she was lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.

    Ursula Stanhope: ...and here I am lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.

  • Narrator: A peaceful, uneventful day in a town much like your own. Then suddenly, without warning...


    Narrator: [echoing] Atomic holocaust!

  • Narrator: [singing a bomb drill ditty] Time to duck and cover, the bombs are comin' down. The radiation shower will pour throughout your town. Hands over your head; keep low to the ground. Time to duck and cover, the bombs are comin' down. Duck and cover. Duck and cover. Get under the desk with your sister and your brother. Duck and cover. Duck and cover. Hands over your head; keep low to the ground. And all the kids who don't will cease to be around.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The war between Sorcerers was fought in the shadows of history, and the fate of mankind rested with the just and powerful Merlin. He told his secrets to three trusted apprentices: Balthazar, Veronica, and Horvath. He should have trusted only two.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the third millennium, the world changed. Climate, nations, all were in upheaval. The Earth transformed into a poisonous, scorched desert, known as "The Cursed Earth". Millions of people crowded into a few Megacities, where roving bands of street savages created violence the justice system could not control. Law, as we know it, collapsed. From the decay rose a new order, a society ruled by a new, elite force. A force with the power to dispense both justice and punishment. They were the police, jury and executioner all in one. They were the Judges.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so, Davidge brought the Dracs home. He fulfilled his vow, and brought Zammis before the Holy Council on Dracon. And, in the fullness of time, Zammis brought its own child before the Holy Council, the name of Willis Davidge was added to the line of Jereeba.

  • [first Lines]

    Narrator: In the final decade of the 21st Century, men and women in rocket ships landed on the moon. By 2200 AD, they had reached the other planets of our solar system. Almost at once there followed the discovery of hyperdrive through which the speed of light was first obtained and later greatly surpassed. And so, at last, mankind began the conquest and colonization of deep space. United Planets Cruiser C57D, now more than a year out from Earth Base on a special mission to the planetary system of the great main-sequence star "Altair."

  • Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to violence!

  • Narrator: [opening narration] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to violence, the word and the act. While violence cloaks itself in a plethora of disguises, its favorite mantle still remains... sex. Violence devours all it touches, its voracious appetite rarely fulfilled. Yet violence doesn't only destroy, it creates and molds as well. Let's examine closely then this dangerously evil creation, this new breed encased and contained within the supple skin of woman. The softness is there, the unmistakable smell of female, the surface shiny and silken, the body yielding yet wanton. But a word of caution: handle with care and don't drop your guard. This rapacious new breed prowls both alone and in packs, operating at any level, any time, anywhere, and with anybody. Who are they? One might be your secretary, your doctor's receptionist... or a dancer in a go-go club!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Four turtles. Four brothers. Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York. Named after the Renaissance masters and trained as ninjas.

  • Narrator: Like, crap man, look at that. That's like his stomach plug, on the ground back there. You don't see that every day. I mean that doesn't even seem possible if you think about it, with body organs and cartilage and bones. I mean I'm no doctor or nothin' but that was like one clean chunk.

  • Narrator: So on he walked... and sometimes, drove... and occasionally, partied all night with the desert creatures.

  • Narrator: [first lines - Theatrical]

    Narrator: [voice-over] All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack we must seem unable. When using our forces, we must seem inactive. When we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away. When far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy; feign disorder and crush him. Sun Tzu. The Art of War. 380 BC.

    Narrator: [first lines - Unrated]

    Narrator: [voice-over] The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness. Joseph Conrad. 1911.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Legend has it, in the mystic land of Prydain, there was once a king so cruel and so evil, that even the Gods feared him. Since no prison could hold him, he was thrown alive into a crucible of molten iron. There his demonic spirit was captured in the form of a great, Black Cauldron. For uncounted centuries, the Black Cauldron lay hidden, waiting, while evil men searched for it, knowing whoever possessed it would have the power to resurrect an army of deathless warriors... and with them, rule the world...

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Long ago, the Duke of Milan commissioned a little known artist to erect a Mammoth statue of a horse. The time was 1481... The artist was Leonardo da Vinci... The guy on the donkey's just a guy on a donkey.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: With the world saved and the secrets of Da Vinci protected, Eddie finally got his coffee.

  • Narrator: People say you can't wash away the mud of this world with pure white snow. You need asura snow - stained fiery red.

  • Narrator: The battle is over, but the galaxy spaning adventures of the Transformers will continue and the greatest Autobot of them all - Optimus Prime - will return.

  • Narrator: It is the year 2005. The treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobots' home planet of Cybertron. But from secret staging grounds on two of Cybertron's moons, the valiant Autobots prepare to retake their homeland.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The year is 208 AD. After years of civil war, a deathly calm has fallen of northern China. One by one, the rebel warlords have met their end under the sword of Prime Minister Cao Cao. Now, even the Han Emperor bows before his power. Yet from the south, a challenge is heard. Two leaders arise against Cao Cao's tyranny, the aging Liu Bei, and the inexperienced Sun Quan. So Cao Cao petitions the Emperor to brand these men as traitors, and declare a new war against the peaceful Southlands.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [voiceover] God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son." Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on." God say, "no"; Abe say, "what?" God say, "You can do what you want, Abe, but the next time you see me comin', you better run." Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?" God says, "Out on Highway 61."

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [voiceover] God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son."

  • [from trailer]

    Narrator: Meet little Melvin, he's a 90 lb. weakling. Everyone hated Melvin.

  • Narrator: A galaxy divided. Striking swiftly after the battle of Geonosis, Count Dooku's droid army has seized control of the major Hyperspace lanes. Separating the Republic from the majority of it's Clone army. With few clones available, the Jedi generals cannot gain a foothold in the Outer Rim, as more and more planets choose to join Dooku's Separatists. While the Jedi are occupied fighting a war, no one is left to keep the peace. Chaos and crime spread and the innocent become victims in a lawless galaxy. Crime lord Jabba the Hutt's son has been kidnapped by a rival band of pirates. Desperate to save his son, Jabba puts out a call for help. A call the Jedi are cautious to answer...

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Wars and pollution, relentless fighting and environmental destruction, have all awakened vicious monsters. Humankind therefore joins forces with one another in order to drive off the monsters, instead of killing each other. Thus, the Earth Defense Force is born. Meanwhile, a new race of humans with supernatural abilities, called mutants, was discovered around the globe. The Earth Defense Force gathers them and puts them into a league called the M Organization. Their greatest enemy is the king of the monsters who first appeared in 1954, and have repeatedly threatened the world ever since. His name is...

    [Godzilla roars]

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: There is not one universe. There are many: A multiverse. We have the technology to travel between universes, but travel is highly restricted and policed. There is not one you. There are many. Each of us exists in present time, in parallel universes. There was balance in the system, but now a force exists who seeks to destroy the balance so he can become The One.

  • Narrator: [on White Mike] You will not be remembered if you die now. You'll be buried and mourned by a few and what more can you ask for? The world will spiral from underneath you, and you are either too smart or too dumb to find God. Maybe you are angry, only because the way out is through love, and you are just horny and lonely.

  • Narrator: So you're born in the capital of the world and you can never escape. And that's how it is because that's how everyone wants it to be. It is all about want. No one needs anything here. It is about when you wake up in the morning and the snow is already coming down and it's bright between the buildings where the sun falls but already dark where the shadows are. And it's all about the want. What do you want? Because if you don't want something you've got nothing. You are adrift. You're washed away and then buried under the snow and shadows. And when in the spring the snow melts, no one will remember where you were frozen and buried. And you will no longer be anywhere.

  • Narrator: [on Sara's death] As Sara lay dying, she thought, "This will be famous and make an unbelievable story once school starts again. People will be sorry they weren't here."

  • Narrator: Dirty Dee is still dirty... because he's Dirty Dee dammit!

  • Narrator: The pirate Yellowbeard captured many other galleons, killing over five-hundred men in cold blood. He would tear the captains hearts out and swallow them whole. Often forcing his victims to eat their own lips, he was caught and imprisoned... for tax evasion.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Since the time immemorial, the knights who call themselves the Warriors of Light have been chasing witches and sorcerers who torture humans.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Thus the Great one appeared who chose Evil's side. And according to legend, he is the one destined to plunge the world into Darkness. But as long as there are those who believe in Light, hope is still here.

  • Narrator: [first lines; robotic voice] In 1992, there were 543,767 violent incidents in American high schools. In some cities, the areas around these schools were beginning to fall under the control of violent youth gangs. By 1997, the number of violent incidents had tripled. Gangs had taken control of large sections of these cities. Some schools were shut down.

    [the computer zooms to Seattle, 1999]

    Narrator: The year is 1999. The gang-controlled areas have become known as Free-fire Zones. Kennedy High is located in the middle of a free-fire zone. The police will not enter. There is no law. The Department of Educational Defense has been formed to reopen the schools and control the gangs.

  • Narrator: Today, Ash, Brock and Misty are taking a break from their Pokémon adventures. As always, Ash is determined to become a Pokémon master. And, as always, he's ready to endure any hardship, bear any burden... with strength, stamina and a will of steel.

    Ash Ketchum: Hungry. Need food.

    Misty: Oh, Ash! You haven't done a thing all day!

    Ash Ketchum: I'm too weak to work, Misty. I haven't eaten since breakfast.

    Brock: This lunch is going to be just perfect for you, Ash. It's my lazy-boy 'no-chew' stew.

  • [first lines]

    [opening scroll]

    Narrator: At the beginning of time, aliens came to the Earth to create the ultimate organic weapon. They created Mankind. By planting a special gene into man they created the ZOANOIDS - Humans who can change at will into super monster soldiers. Eons later, the Zoanoid leader, called the ZOALORD, has awakened formed the Chronos Corporation to further develop the Zoanoid technology for world domination. Among the alien remains, was found the "Unit" - a bio boosted alien armor. Worn by the aliens it serves as an ordinary shield. If the wearer is human it increases his natural powers a hundred fold - he becomes the "GUYVER." But how to activate it remains a mystery. Dr. Tetsu Segawa, a research scientist at Chronos, senses danger if this "unit" is activated by the Zoalord. Now the doctor has stolen it and is on the run.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Why does the wind come? To cover tracks where we have passed... so no one thinks we are still alive. It was long ago and no one can remember now how the Warriors of Light and the Warriors of Darkness clashed on the Bridge of Justice... how blood was spilled... how the great Jassar's heart could not bear it and he stopped the battle. But once, when the night is longer than the day, a new Great One will come and the world will be plunged into darkness. And nothing can save it, except for the Chalk of Fate. This Chalk is kept in an impenetrable fortress, and everyone who came for it and entered the gate would perish in the endless maze. So had it always been until Tamerlane came.

  • Narrator: In the latter days of the 20th century, there arose a difference of opinion.

    [a nuclear bomb suddenly detonates]

    Narrator: The leading experts at the time believed a nuclear war would only involve the exchange of a few bombs. And then, the suitably horrified combatants would sit down at the peace table.

    [Another explosion]

    Narrator: They were wrong. In just 10 days, 10,000 years of human progress was virtually blown to dust.

    Narrator: 10 years later, they tried again.

  • Narrator: [over the loudspeaker] Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard. Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: High atop one of the hills which ring the teaming metropolis of Gotham City, a large house rears its bulk against the dark sky. Outwardly there's nothing to distinguish this house from many others, but deep in the cavernous basements of this house is a chamber hewn from the living rock of the mountainside, strange, dimly lighted, mysteriously secret bat cave headquarters of America's #1 crimefighter, Batman! Yes, Batman, clad in the somber costume which has struck terror to the heart of many swaggering denizens of the Underworld. Batman, who is even now pondering a plan of a new assault against the forces of crime, a crushing blow against evil, in which he will have the valuable aid of his young, two-fisted assistant, Robin, the Boy Wonder. They represent American youth who love their country and are glad to fight for it, whereever crime raises its ugly head to strike with the venom of a maddened rattlesnake. Batman and Robin strike also, and in this very hour when the Axis criminals are spreading their evil over the world, even in our own land, Batman and Robin stand ready to fight them to the death.

  • Narrator: This was part of a foreign land, transplanted bodily to America and known as Little Tokyo. Since a wise government rounded up the immoral hoods, it has become virtually a ghost street, where only one business survives, eking out a precarious existence on the dimes of curiosity-seekers.

  • Narrator: This was part of a foreign land, transplanted bodily to America and known as Little Tokyo. Since a wise government rounded up the shifty-eyed Japs, it has become virtually a ghost street, where only one business survives, eking out a precarious existence on the dimes of curiosity-seekers.

  • Narrator: [First lines] In the late part of the 18th century, the peasants of California were oppressed by tyrannical land owners. To protect the poor and downtrodden people, there emerged a mysterious swordsman who pledged his life in the service of justice. To the people, he was a great hero who would live forever in their hearts. To the landowners, however, he was a real pain in the ass. He was known only as... Zorro!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Paris, 1789. The Great Revolution has begun. The hands of the masses are smeared with the blood of the poor bleeding aristocracy. Every day the tumbrels run a regular half-hour service between the Bastille and the many guillotines around the city. The growing mounds of noble heads are only matched by the growing mounds of unused return tickets. No-one is spared. Madame La Guillotine claims them all. Dukes and Duchesses, Lords and Ladies, men and women of both sexes. A dozen times an hour the drums roll, the blade falls, and the heads roll. Yes, every five minutes, a freshly sliced loaf.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [voiceover during narration] In the year 1987, at the John F. Kennedy Space Center, NASA launched the last of America's deep space probes. The payload, perched on the nose cone of the massive rocket, was a one-man exploration vessel - Ranger 3. Aboard this compact starship, a lone astronaut - Captain William "Buck" Rogers - was to experience cosmic forces beyond all comprehension. An awesome brush with death: in the blink of an eye, his life support systems were frozen by temperatures beyond imagination. Ranger 3 was blown out of its planned trajectory into an orbit a thousand times more vast, an orbit which was to return the ship full circle to his point of origin - its mother Earth - not in five months, but in 500 years.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Crime, striking our city night and day, is on the increase. Our undermanned police force is helpless to cope with the situation, but they have an ally - Batman - who with the faithful Robin, wages unending war against all criminals!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [spoken over a shot of outer space] Needles in a heavenly haystack. There are more stars in the heavens than there are human beings on Earth. Through telescopes men of science constantly search the infinitesimal corners of our solar system seeking new discoveries, hoping to better understand the laws of the Universe. Observatories dedicated to the study of astronomy are set in high and remote places, but there is none more remote than Mt. Kenna Observatory in this part of South Africa.

  • Narrator: ...but there is this: A world with no room for the Gordons, is a world that will return to the sands.

  • Narrator: 15 years ago, A mop boy named Melvin Fyrd fell into a case full of toxic waste and became a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength, he became... The Toxic Avenger, the first superhero from New Jersey! Then came two shitty sequels, sorry about that. This is the real sequel.

  • Narrator: A study of history confirms the validity of the Big Hunt theory: it is mankind's safety valve. And if in 1940 the Big Hunt had existed, Hitler would've been a member and we could have avoided WWII. Now all is resolved, wars are over, and the violent instincts of man can now be expressed by a single and set competition.

  • Narrator: One enemy a day keeps the doctor away.

  • Narrator: Why control the births when we can increase the deaths?

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the year Eighteen Hundred and Seven, a small ship of the Royal Navy set sail from England for a secret destination. With five million French and Spanish soldiers poised on the Continent under Napolean, nothing could save England from invasion except her 300 ships. HMS Lydia was soon far beyond battle-charged Europe. Under the most secret of sealed orders, she sailed for southern waters, fought her way around the Horn... headed north again into the Pacific. For seven months, she stayed out of sight of land. Becalmed finally, her weary crew toiled at the oars in the vain hope of towing her into a wind. They thirsted and hungered and wondered where she was going, what they would do when they got there... if she got there. These were things known only to one man.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The city of Townsville...

    [an explosion is heard, and a red hue emanates o.c. down on Townsville streets. An alarm is heard in the distance]

    Narrator: in some serious, serious, serious trouble! Day after day, crime, lawlessness and evil are running rampant. Its citizens have lost all hope!. They are utterly helpless and in desperate need of a true hero! But who? Is there no one who can help this forsaken town and make it a better place?

    [Transition to a grocery store aisle, as the Professor slowly walks into the scene]

    Narrator: Fear not, fair viewers. For there is a man, a man of science. A forward thinking man who looks back. Back to a sweeter time, when there was a spice to life and everything was nice!

    [Fuzzy Lumpkins is seen, cocking a classic elephant gun at a distressed cashier woman, who nervously hands him the money as the Professor looks on in sadness and slumps his back as he exits]

    Narrator: I must profess, sir, this man, holds the ingredients to Townsville's salvation!

    [the professor looks back, confronted by the Gangrene Gang]

    Narrator: This man known simply as...

    [Ace lands an unseen punch to the Professor's face]

    Narrator: ...The Professor!

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Sugar, spice, and everything nice! These were the ingredients chosen to create the prefect little girls. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction: Chemical X! Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born! Using their ultra-super powers, they dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of... evil!

    [the girls return home, to the Professor. They are all heard laughing]

    Narrator: And so, for the very first time, the day is saved, thanks to... The POWERPUFF GIRLS! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls, yeah! I like that! Wonder if they will, I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [Narrating voice over] Dragon Tiger Gate was founded by two Kung Fu masters: Wong Jianglong and Wong Fuhu.

  • Narrator: The startling announcement touched off demonstrations around the world. Some demonstrators urged capitulation, calling for peace at any price. The majority, however, seemed to favor strong resistance. Opposing factions clashed violently in dozens of world capitals, and police were hard pressed to restore order.

  • Narrator: The end of the age: Some men fear it as a time of destruction, while others welcome it as the ushering in of grace. For ages they tried to warn us of its coming. They told us both to beware and to rejoice. Over time this revelation has been rejected, diluted, ignored by all but a few. And the voices of righteous men have been drowned and silenced beneath a tide of wickedness. Years passed, war begat war, greed begat greed, and men laughed, secure in their dominion over the earth. Even as the signs began - great floods, fire, famine, pestilence - they laughed, lost in their hubris. When the end came, it came as it was prophesized - like a thief in the night.

  • Narrator: The year is 1992 A.D... In order to try to counter the threat posed to the planet's survival by Godzilla, Japan's Counter-G Bureau recruited the most brilliant scientific brains in the world to build a fighting machine. The first machine was called Garuda, but its fighting capabilities were limited. A far more powerful machine was required. They salvaged a robot from the future, Mecha-King Ghidorah, in order to study its advanced technology. Its components were used to build a weapon to fight Godzilla. They called it Mechagodzilla.

  • Narrator: Space stretches into infinity. Countless stars die as others are born. And thus, space is alive.

  • Narrator: Cherry and Raquel. Byproducts of our society, pretty toys to play with, superficial in their makeup but so necessary to our way of life.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: What the future will reveal of this story is only the beginning, only the beginning, only the beginning...

  • Narrator: One thing which few people know about the eagle is that it has a lot of patience. Once it has its eyes on its prey, it can keep following for hours, days and even weeks. Once it gets the opportunity, it pounces on it in one shot.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The year 2157, the Noon of Mankind. Armed with the Great Theory of Upbringing, people have forgotten about wars, hunger and terrorism. Nature lives again. A breakthrough in medicine has set people free from illnesses, allowing them to use hidden resources of the human body. Earthlings are reclaiming distant planets. New generations have risen, for whom search in deep space is a routine matter. Young earthlings are brave, strong and naive. They think they are capable of everything.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [lines repeated on screen] He was an outsider, a guard, a terrorist, a convict. The first circle has closed up. Mutants, a white submarine, and an atomic war are ahead. He wants to turn the world inside out.

    [on-screen caption: To be continued... ]

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [narrating voice over] In Europe, as the seventeenth century dawned, mankind was lifting itself from ignorance and superstition.

  • Narrator: Two objects *can* occupy the same space, under the right conditions.

  • Narrator: The intrinsic value of people's enthusiasm is unshackled by the context of a real or fictional environment. So long as the world accords recognition for the applied fulfillment of this enthusiasm, it stands that people would not lose touch with their own reality. Reality, being the foundation of an individual's conventional wisdom, is a degree of experience that belongs to that single person. Hence, any such individual reality can be perceived by others as nothing more than mere imagination.

  • Narrator: [first lines]

    Narrator: There was once a group of men who believed they could solve the mystery of mysteries. They were scientists. Experts in chemistry, biology and physics. Students of alchemy. And of the arcane principles which governed the very equilibrium of our Universe. These men established a small research center on a remote tropical island. Where they proceeded with their humanitarian mission. A task linked to the fundamental principles of our very existence. Their aim was to conquer man kind's first, oldest and greatest enemy... Death itself.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Griffin ran all the way to hell... with a penny, and a broken cigarette.

  • Narrator: Little Sabrina feels much better now. Ilsa gave her her special, but very very effective, medication.

  • Narrator: Decadence is their fate.

  • Tide: Driver, where can I get a tape of the program your playing?

    [The bus driver taps a metal box under his seat]

    Narrator: Government Warning, do not speak to the driver while the vehicle is in motion.

  • Narrator: During all his years of exile, he had dreamed of Gudrun, but now Gunnar saw that he could never have her. For the first time in his life, the great warrior was beaten.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [narration] Guatemala, a strange and beautiful country many thousands of miles away, a country with lofty, snow-crested mountains, mighty rivers and deep lakes, quaint little villages and picturesque natives. This is Guatemala on the surface, what a tourist might see if a tourist could ever get there. But under this superficial beauty lie many unsuspected dangers. Those mighty rivers run through treacherous jungle where wild animal life lurks in the shadows. Man-eating lions roam abroad, where deep lakes are infested with crocodiles and alligators. And the natives may look picturesque, but are deadly to a white man. In the heart of this impenetrable jungle stand the ruins of all that is left of an ancient Mayan civilization, older far than Guatemala. The natives today are in great anger. Their ancient idol, the Green Goddess, has been snatched from the high altar. The high priest vows to avenge by a slow and torturing death, the violator and desecrater of the sacred cathedral. But unknown to the natives, unknown even to the high priest, this stolen idol is more than a graven image. For hidden inside it is a secret formula for a new explosive, powerful and deadly enough to blow whole cities sky high, a potential menace to modern civilization and a real menace should the formula fall into unscrupulous hands. Tarzan and his band of intrepid followers, both men and women, have faced untold dangers, wild animals, hostile natives, a rival expedition of murderous crooks and the horrors of fever-infested swamps, to take the idol from the natives that the secret formula might be safe. At last successful with the Goddess in their possession, the Tarzan expedition starts on its long and arduous journey home.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Emelius the Mighty, the Goliath of Thebes, lived in the days when men worshiped strange pagan gods; believing in their magical powers with unshakable faith. Legend has it that Goliath served the god of vengeance and the goddess of the four winds. In return for his devotion, he was said to be favored with immortality. He would never know death at the hands of any mortal. Goliath was held in awe by his friends and enemies alike. Only one man, Eurytheus, the tyrant of Italia, did not believe in Goliath's power to escape death. Determined to slay him and seize Goliath's powerful kingdom of Thebes, Eurystheus had stolen the precious blood diamond, belonging to the god of vengeance, and hid it in the Cave of Horrors. After many months of searching, Goliath found the fearsome cave and, unafraid, entered in to fulfill his vow to return the blood diamond to his god.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Below you is the ass end of the world. The country you can see is the land known as New Zealand. It's a pretty simple place, really - the North Island - that's the good one - and the South Island, which sucks. Spanning these two imaginitively titles isles is a turbulence stretch of water known as the Cook Strait. It has been swam across and rode across, and thousands cross every day by ferry and plane. But only one man has ever tried to jump it. His name is Randy Cambell, and this is his story.

  • Narrator: But every spring, every May,the souls of the fallen on the fields of Poland, Germany, and everywhere go back to their homes to see their blooming motherland they gave their lives for.

  • [Raine is interrogating Rachtman and poitning out all of his men]

    Lt. Aldo Raine: And another one over there, you might be familiar with: Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz. Heard of 'em?

    Sgt. Werner Rachtman: Everybody in the German army's heard of Hugo Stiglitz.

    [Some of the Basterds laugh, and the camera focuses on Stiglitz; the scene freezes and the words "Hugo Stiglitz" appear on the screen]

    Narrator: [voice-over] The reason for Hugo Stiglitz's celebrity among German soldiers is simple. As a German enlisted man, he killed thirteen Gestapo officers.

    [Stiglitz is seen strangling one officer with a cord; stabbing another multiple times in the head through a pillow; and asphyxiating one with his bare hands]

    Narrator: [voice-over] Instead of putting him up against a wall, the High Command decided to send him back to Berlin, to be made an example of.

    [cuts to Stiglitz locked in a cell]

    Narrator: Needless to say, once the Basterds heard of him, he never got there.

    [One of Raine's men slits a guard's throat; the other Basterds quickly open fire and kill the other guards, then Raine approaches Stiglitz's cell]

    Lt. Aldo Raine: Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz?

    [Stiglitz nods]

    Lt. Aldo Raine: Lt. Aldo Raine. These are the Basterds, ever heard of us?

    [Stiglitz nods again]

    Lt. Aldo Raine: We just wanted to say we're a big fan of your work. When it comes to killing Nazis...

    [one of the guards stirs and groans, and is promptly shot dead on the spot]

    Lt. Aldo Raine: ... I think you show great talent. And I pride myself on having an eye for that kind of talent. But your status as a Nazi killer is still amateur. We all come here to see if you wanna go pro.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

  • Narrator: The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Joe and Rita had three children, the three smartest kids in the world. Vice President Frito took 8 wives and had a total of 32 kids. Thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the Earth. OK, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind, but he got the ball rolling, and that's pretty good for an average guy.

  • Narrator: The #1 movie in America was called "Ass." And that's all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.

  • Narrator: Unaware of what year it was, Joe wandered the streets desperate for help. But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them.

  • Narrator: Joe decided that in order to get out of jail, he would have to use his superior diplomacy skills.

    Pvt. Joe Bowers: [talking to the prison guard] Hey, uh... I'm actually supposed to be getting out of jail, not going back in...

    Prison Guard #2: [hits Joe on the back of the head] You're supposed to be in that line, dumbass!

    [he points to the door]

    Prison Guard #2: Hey, guys, let this dumbass out!

  • Narrator: [Time Masheen starts] We're gonna take you back, to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world...

    Narrator: ...But then an even greater force emerged, the U.N.

    [pronounced "un"]

    Narrator: and the U.N. un-nazied the world - forever.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is a story of an ordinary little boy named Charlie Bucket. He was not faster, or stronger, or more clever than other children. His family was not rich or powerful or well-connected; in fact, they barely had enough to eat. Charlie Bucket was the luckiest boy in the entire world. He just didn't know it yet.

  • Narrator: Although Charlie won the chocolate factory, Wonka had something better: A family. The Bucket family learns that life was never sweeter.

    [the narrator turns out to be an Oompa Loompa]

    Narrator: .

  • Narrator: Indeed, that very night, the impossible had already been set in motion.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?" Pointless, really... "Do the stars gaze back?" Now *that's* a question.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: They ruled for 80 years. But no man can live forever, except he who possesses the heart of a star, and Yvaine had given hers to Tristan completely. When their children and grandchildren were grown, it was time to light the Babylon Candle.

    [there is a flash of light from inside the royal quarters, the camera then pans up to the sky where two brighter stars have appeared]

    Narrator: And they still live happily ever after.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: From the moment the invaders arrived, breathed our air, ate and drank, they were doomed. They were undone, destroyed, after all of man's weapons and devices had failed, by the tiniest creatures that God in his wisdom put upon this earth. By the toll of a billion deaths, man had earned his immunity, his right to survive among this planet's infinite organisms. And that right is ours against all challenges. For neither do men live nor die in vain.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: No one would have believed in the early years of the 21st century that our world was being watched by intelligences greater than our own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns, *they* observed and studied, the way a man with a microscope might scrutinize the creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacency, men went to and fro about the globe, confident of our empire over this world. Yet across the gulf of space, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic regarded our planet with envious eyes and slowly, and surely, drew their plans against us.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Bastian made many other wishes, and had many other amazing adventures - before he finally returned to the ordinary world. But that's... another story.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is...

    Thalia: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy.

    Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude.

    Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.

    Narrator: You go, girl.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In ancient times, the land lay covered in forests, where, from ages long past, dwelt the spirits of the gods. Back then, man and beast lived in harmony, but as time went by, most of the great forests were destroyed. Those that remained were guarded by gigantic beasts who owed their allegiances to the Great Forest Spirit. For those were the days of gods and of demons...

  • Narrator: Life is like the foam of the sea. You must dive into it.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [narrating, as David lays next to Monica in bed] That was the everlasting moment he had been waiting for. And the moment had passed, for Monica was sound asleep. More than merely asleep.

    Narrator: [David holds Monica's hand, closing his eyes] Should he shake her she would never rouse. So David went to sleep too. And for the first time in his life, he went to that place... where dreams are born.

  • [David has his first birthday with the resurrected Monica]

    Narrator: [narrating] David had never had a birthday party because David had never been born, so they baked a cake and lit some candles.

    Monica: [Monica lays David's birthday cake in front of him] Now, make a wish.

    David: It came true already.

    [as David blows out his candles]

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [narrating, with ocean waves crashing together] Those were the years after the ice caps had melted... because of the greenhouse gases, and the oceans had risen drown so many cities... along all the shorelines of the world. Amsterdam, Venice, New York - Forever lost. Millions of people were displaced. Climates became chaotic. Hundreds of millions of people starved in poorer countries. Elsewhere a high degree of prosperity survived... when most governments in the developed world... introduced legal sanctions to strictly license pregnancies, which was why robots, who were never hungry and did not consume resources beyond those of their first manufacture, were so essential an economic link... in the chain mail of society.

  • [David is seen, remaining in the ocean praying to the Blue Fairy]

    Narrator: [Narrating] And David continued to pray to the Blue Fairy there before him - She who smiled softly forever, she who welcomed forever. Eventually, the floodlights dimmed and died, but David could still see her palely by day... and he still addressed her in hope. He prayed until all the sea anemones had shriveled and died. He prayed as the ocean froze... and the ice encased the caged amphibicopter and the Blue Fairy too, locking them together where he could still make her out. A blue ghost in ice... always there, always smiling, always awaiting him. Eventually, he never moved at all, but his eyes always stayed open... staring ahead forever all though the darkness of each night... and the next day... and the next day. Thus, 2,000 years passed by.

  • [David paints pictures to show the resurrected Monica]

    Narrator: [narrating] David had been warned not to explain anything to Monica. Otherwise, she would become frightened, and everything would be spoiled. But David's journey home belonged only to him, so he didn't see the harm in painting her pictures of things she would have no memory of.

  • [David is seen getting his hair combed by the resurrected Monica]

    Narrator: [narrating] And as the day wore on, David thought it was the happiest day of his life. All the problems seemed to have disappeared... from his Mommy's mind. There was no Henry, there was no Martin, there was no grief, there was only David.

  • [the cartoon Knights are being chased by the animated Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh]

    Narrator: And as the Black Beast lurched forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack!

    [cut to the animator shown cringing]

    Animator: Ughck!

    [falls backwards in his chair]

    Narrator: [back to the cartoon] The cartoon peril was no more.

    [Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh disappears]

    Narrator: The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.

  • Narrator: A year passed: winter changed into spring, spring changed into summer, summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn... until one day...

  • Narrator: Meanwhile, not more than two swallow's flights away, Arthur and Bedivere had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight away, obviously. There were more than two laden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had the coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking, and dragging the coconut...

    Army: Get on with it!

    Narrator: And now on to scene 24. A smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling...

    [he retches as he is apparently killed]

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Another world, another time, in the age of wonder. A thousand years ago, this land was green and good - until the Crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost; a shard of the Crystal. Then strife began, and two new races appeared: the cruel Skeksis, the gentle Mystics. Here in the castle of the Crystal, the Skeksis took control. Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber, where the Crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The Skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled, yet now there are only ten. A dying race, ruled by a dying emperor, imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today, once more, they gather at the Crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the Skeksis. As they ravaged the land, so too they learned to draw new life from the sun. Today, once more, they will replenish themselves, cheat death again, through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate - the Dark Crystal.

    [Title card]

    Narrator: ... But today, the ceremony of the sun gives no comfort. Today, an emperor lies dying. Today, a new emperor must seize the throne.

  • Narrator: The Skeksis, with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled. Yet now, there are only ten: a dying race, ruled by a dying Emperor, imprisoned within themselves in a dying land.

  • Narrator: [In the Valley of the Mystics] A thousand years ago, the Crystal cracked. And here, far from the castle, the race of Mystics came to live in a dream of peace. Their ways were the gentle ways of natural wizards. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race, numbly rehearsing the ancient ways in a blur of forgetfulness. But today, the ritual gives no comfort. Today, the wisest of the Mystics lies dying. Today, they summon the one who must save them.

    [All Mystics sing a low tone of summoning]

    Narrator: [cut to Jen playing a double-pipe by a pond] In the valley of the Mystics, there lives a Gelfling, Jen. The Skeksis killed his family, destroyed his clan. Only Jen survived, to be raised by the wisest of the Mystics. But there is a prophecy. A thousand years have passed, and now, once more, the world must undergo a time of testing. Now it must he healed, or pass forever into the rule of evil. At this time, Jen is the chosen one. Today, Jen's pipe gives no comfort. For today, his master lies dying. And a journey must begin - the journey of Jen.

  • Narrator: There were nights when the winds of the Etherium, so inviting in their promise of flight and freedom, made one's spirit soar.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On the clearest of nights, when the winds of the Etherium were calm and peaceful, the great merchant ships, with their cargos of Arcturian solar crystals, felt safe and secure. Little did they suspect that they were persued by... pirates. And the most feared of all these pirates was the notorious Captain Nathaniel Flint.

    Captain Nathaniel Flint: [to crew] Fire!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the last century before the birth of the new faith called Christianity, which was destined to overthrow the pagan tyranny of Rome and bring about a new society, the Roman Republic stood at the very center of the civilized world. "Of all things fairest," sang the poet, "first among cities and home of the gods is golden Rome." Yet, even at the zenith of her pride and power, the Republic lay fatally stricken with a disease called human slavery. The age of the dictator was at hand, waiting in the shadows for the event to bring it forth. In that same century, in the conquered Greek province of Thrace, an illiterate slave woman added to her master's wealth by giving birth to a son whom she named Spartacus. A proud, rebellious son who was sold to living death in the mines of Libya before his thirteenth birthday. There, under whip and chain and sun, he lived out his youth and his young manhood dreaming the death of slavery two thousand years before it finally would die.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] Fate had determined that he should leave none of his race behind him, and that he should finish his life poor, lonely and childless.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] A lady who sets her heart upon a lad in uniform must prepare to change lovers pretty quickly, or her life will be but a sad one. This heart of Lischen's was like many a neighboring town and had been stormed and occupied several times before Barry came to invest it.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] It is well to dream of glorious war in a snug armchair at home, but it is a very different thing to see it first hand. And after the death of his friend, Barry's thoughts turned from those of military glory to those of finding a way to escape the service to which he was now tied for another six years. Gentlemen may talk of the age of chivalry, but remember the ploughmen, poachers and pickpockets whom they lead. It is with these sad instruments that your great warriors and kings have been doing their murderous work in the world.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] No lad who has liberty for the first time, and twenty guineas in his pocket, is very sad, and Barry rode towards Dublin thinking not so much of the kind mother left alone, and of the home behind him, but of tomorrow, and all the wonders it would bring.

  • [first lines]

    [two figures visible on the horizon prepare to duel. Three witnesses stand between them]

    Second: Gentlemen, cock your pistols! Gentlemen...

    Narrator: Barry's father...

    Second: ...aim your pistols!

    Narrator: ...had been bred, like many other young sons of a genteel family, to the profession of the law.

    Second: One!

    Narrator: And there is no doubt he would've...

    Second: Two!

    Narrator: ...made an eminent figure in his profession...

    Second: Three!

    [the two duelists fire at each other, one of them collapses]

    Narrator: ...had he not been killed in a duel, which arose over the purchase of some horses.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] Barry's first taste of battle was only a skirmish against a small rearguard of Frenchmen who occupied an orchard beside a road down which, a few hours later, the English main force would wish to pass. Though this encounter is not recorded in any history books, it was memorable enough for those who took part.

  • Redmond Barry: Sir, I... I have a confession to make to you. I'm an Irishman. And my name is Redmond Barry. I was abducted into the Prussian army two years ago, and now have been put into your service by my Captain Potzdorf, and his uncle, the Minister of Police... to serve as a watch upon your... actions... and to give information to the same quarter.

    Narrator: [voice-over] The Chevalier was as much affected as Barry at thus finding one of his countrymen. For he too was an exile from home, and a friendly voice, a look, brought the old country back to his memory again.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] The Prussian service was considerably worse than the English. The life that the private soldier led was a frightful one. Punishment was incessant, and every officer had the right to inflict it. The gauntlet was the most common penalty for minor offenses. The more serious ones were punishable by mutilation or death. At the close of the Seven Years' War, the army, so renowned for it's disciplined valor, was officered by native Prussians. But it was composed, for the most part, of men from the lowest levels of humanity. Hired, or stolen from almost every nation in Europe. Thus Barry fell into the very worst of courses and company. And was soon very far advanced in the science of every kind of misconduct.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] Five years in the English and Prussian army, and some considerable experience of traveling the world, had by now dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which Barry commenced life. And he began to have it in mind, as so many gentlemen had done before him, to marry a woman of great fortune and condition. And, as such things so often happen, these thoughts closely coincided with his setting first sight upon a lady who will henceforth play a considerable part in the drama of his life: the Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon of England, Baroness of Castle Lyndon of the Kingdom of Ireland, a woman of vast wealth and great beauty. She was the wife of The Right Honorable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, and Minister to George III at several of the smaller Courts of Europe, a cripple, wheeled about in a chair, worn out by gout and a myriad of other diseases. Her Ladyship's Chaplain, Mr. Runt, acted in the capacity of tutor to her son, the little Viscount Bullingdon, a melancholy little boy, much attached to his mother.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] It would require a great philosopher and historian to explain the causes of the famous Seven Years' War in which Europe was engaged and in which Barry's regiment was now on its way to take part. Let it suffice to say, that England and Prussia were allies and at war against the French, the Swedes, the Russians and the Austrians.

  • Narrator: [voice Over Scene of Sir Charles Lyndon suffering an attack after quarreling with Barry] From a report in The Saint James' Chronicle: "Died at Spa in the Kingdom of Belgium: The Right Honorable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon; Knight of the Bath; Member of Parliament; and for many years, His Majesty's Representative at various European Courts. He has left behind him a name which is endeared to all his friends..."

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [voice-over] Utterly baffled and beaten, what was a lonely and broken-hearted man to do? Barry took the annuity and returned to Ireland with his mother to complete his recovery. Sometime later, he travelled to the Continent. His life there, we have not the means of following accurately. But he appears to have resumed his former profession of a gambler without his former success. He never saw Lady Lyndon again.

  • Narrator: Barry - had now arrived at the pitch of prosperity and by his own energy had raised himself to a higher sphere of society. Having procured his majesty's gracious permission, to add the name of his lovely Lady, to his own. Henceforth, Redmond Barry assumed the style and title of: Barry Lyndon.

  • Narrator: Lady Lyndon was soon destined to occupy a place in Barry's life, not very much more important than the elegant carpets and pictures which would form the pleasant background of his existence.

  • Narrator: Somewhere out of the blue/ in a crowded street/ or a deserted square/ I'll turn and I'll see you/ as if we always knew/ That someday we could start again someday soon.

  • Narrator: [Only on older TV versions] Since time immemorial, events have taken place with no evident reason for their happening. Such phenomena has been man's dilemma and the subject of constant philosophical discussion. When there is no factor motivating an event, no case of cause creating effect, what triggered the action: fate or circumstance? What you are about to see concerns such an event. Maybe you can determine whether we are dealing here, with circumstances, or fate.

  • Narrator: Just before The Ten Commandments' opening credits begin, on newer pre-recorded DVD discs & VHS video tapes, director, Cecil B. DeMille walked up to a microphone, from behind a theatre curtain and gave an introductory speech saying: Ladies and gentlemen, young and old, this may seem an unusual procedure, speaking before the picture begins, but we have an unusual subject - the story of the birth of freedom - the story of Moses. As many of you know, the Holy Bible omits some 30 years of Moses' life from when he was a three-month old baby and was found in the bulrushes, by Bithiah, the daughter of Pharaoh and adopted into the court of Egypt, until he learned that he was Hebrew and killed the Egyptian. To fill in those missing years, we turn to ancient historians, such as Philo and Josephus. Philo wrote at the time when Jesus of Nazareth walked the earth and Josephus wrote some 50 years later, and watched the destruction of Jerusalem, by the Romans. These historians had access to documents long since destroyed - or perhaps lost, like the Dead Sea Scrolls. The theme of this picture is whether mam ought to be ruled by God's law, or whether they are to be ruled by the whims of a dictator, like Rameses. Are man the property of the state or are they free souls under God? This same battle continues throughout the world today. Our intention was not to create a story, but to be worthy divinely inspired story, created 3,000 years ago, the five books of Moses. The story takes three hours and 39 minutes to unfold. There will be an intermission. Thank you, for your attention.

  • Narrator: Learning that it can be more terrible to live than to die, he is driven onward through the burning crucible of desert, where holy men and prophets are cleansed and purged for God's great purpose, until at last, at the end of human strength, beaten into the dust from which he came, the metal is ready for the Maker's hand.

  • [Opening line and sentences as movie started]

    Narrator: And God said Let there be light, and there was light. And from this light, God created life upon earth. And man was given diminion over all things upon this earth and the power to choose betweem good and evil. But each sought to do his own will because he knew not the light of God's law. Man took dominion over man, the conquered were made to serve the conqueror, the weak were made to serve the strong, and freedom was gone from this world. So did the Egyptians cause the children of Israel to serve with rigor, and their lives were made bitter with hard bondage. And their cry came up unto God. And God heard them and cast into Egypt, into the lowly hut of Amram and Yochabel, the seed of a man upon whose mind and heart would be written God's law and God's commandments, one man alone against an empire.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: All this has happened before, and it will all happen again. But this time it happened in London. It happened on a quiet street in Bloomsbury. That corner house over there is the home of the Darling family. And Peter Pan chose this particular house because there were people here who believed in him.

  • Mrs. Darling: George, dear, do hurry. We mustn't be late for the party, you know.

    Narrator: Mrs. Darling believed that Peter Pan was a great hero, but Mr. Darling...

    Mr. Darling: Mary, unless I find my cufflinks, we don't go to the party! If we don't go to the party, I can never show my face in the office again! If I could ever...

    [hits his head on the drawer]

    Mr. Darling: Ouch!

    Narrator: Well... Mr. Darling was a practical man.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: A shadow shall fall over the universe, and evil will grow in its path, and death will come from the skies.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: A long long time ago, the Earth was ruled by dinosaurs. They were big, so not a lot of people went around hassling 'em. Actually, no people went around hassling 'em cuz there weren't any people yet. Just the first tiny mammals. Basically, life was good. Then something happened: a giant meteorite struck the Earth. Goodbye dinosaurs! But what if the dinosaurs weren't all destroyed? What if the impact of that meteor created a parallel dimension where the dinosaurs continued to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, and aggressive beings... just like us? And hey, what if they found a way back?

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Once upon this same earth, beneath this same sun, long before you, before the ape and the elephant, as well; before the wolf, the bison, the whale, before the mammoth and the mastodon, in the time of the dinosaurs. Now the dinosaurs were of two kinds. Some had flat teeth, and ate the leaves of trees, and some had sharp teeth for eating meat, and they preyed upon the leaf-eaters. Then it happened that the trees began to die. The mighty beasts who appeared to rule the earth, were, in truth, ruled by the leaf. Desperate for food, some of the dinosaur herds struck out to the west, in search of the Great Valley, a land still lush and green. It was a journey toward life.

  • Narrator: All that remained of his herd was his mother, grandmother and his grandfather. He knew them by sight, by scent, and by their love. He knew they would be together, always.

  • Narrator: Then Littlefoot knew for certain he was alone, and although the Great Valley was far away, the journey there was perillous. He would have to find his way, or the chain of life would be broken.

  • Narrator: Littlefoot had been wrong about the Sharptooth, but the others followed him. They're only hope was to reach the Great Valley, and Littlefoot alone knew the way.

  • Narrator: At first, Littlefoot could only think about his mother. He hardly noticed his hunger and had forgotten about the Great Valley and that he must somehow reach it.

  • Narrator: So the five hungry dinosaurs set off for the Great Valley. There had never been such a herd before. A long neck, a three-horn, a big mouth, a flyer, and a spike-tail all together, all knowing that if they lost their way, they would starve or find themselves in Sharptooth's shadow.

  • Narrator: The Great Valley was all they'd dreamed it would be: a land of green, and leaves, and life.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley long ago.

  • Narrator: Though, they were sourced out and tired, Littlefoot urged them on. He'd never seen the Great Valley, but his heart told him that they were close. Surely, at the top, they'd behold it, finally.

  • Narrator: In this time of the clash of continents, a great earthquake split the land. Herds were scattered. Families were cut in two. Littlefoot was separated from his grandparents.

    Daddy Topps: Cera!

    Cera: Mama! Daddy!

    Narrator: Cera was on one side of the divide. Her parents were on the other.

  • Narrator: And Littlefoot found his grandmother and grandfather at last. The same loving faces he looked into on the day of his birth.

  • Narrator: Cera was still too proud to admit that she'd gone the wrong way.

  • Narrator: One herd had only a single baby, their last hope for the future. And they called him Littlefoot.

  • Narrator: It was a mark of many dangers. Sharp Teeth stalked the herds waiting to feed on the weak ones. The leaf-eaters stopped only to hatch their young. Some of the young seemed born without fear, yet even hatching could be dangerous.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is the story of four orphans brought together by fate. They didn't know it yet, but there was something more greater in store for them, something epic.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientific invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an urgent but anonymous call for help; the invention *and* its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht! Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly into The Batcave, and then, as they have done many times before, as *Batman and Robin*, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the 12th century, at the close of the third crusade to free the Holy Land, the Saxon knight called Wilfred of Ivanhoe undertook a private crusade of his own. England's warrior king Richard the Lionhearted had disappeared during his homeward march, vanishing without trace. His disappearance dealt a cruel blow to his unhappy country, already in turmoil from the bitter conflict between Saxons and Normans. And in time, most of his subjects came to mourn him as dead. But Ivanhoe's faith that his king still lived took him on an endless quest from castle to castle to castle until at last he came to Austria.

  • Narrator: Since the dawn of time, storytellers have enchanted audiences with their words. But there is an even rarer gift. There are those, who by reading out loud, can bring characters to life. Out of books and into our world. Most of these Silvertongues, as they are know prefer to keep their skills a secret but some do not even know this gift is theirs, until it is too late.

  • Narrator: Unless you desire for your neighbour, what you desire for yourself. You don't have faith A man goes to bed with his belly full, while his neighbor is hungry. He isn't a Muslim

  • Narrator: You must all think of Muhammad as more than a man. He was collecting firewood one day. Let me do it, I said Why? He said, You're the prophet of god, you can't go round scratching for firewood. But he looked at me mumbling. God does not like the man who considers himself above other men, he said. So, I laid back and watched him. Suddenly he stopped. He stood to his full height and came to me. Yes! I am the Prophet of god, he said, but even I do not know what will become of me

  • Narrator: Muhammad took no revenge and allowed all. He declared Mecca a holy place Noone may shed blood or cut down a tree, or kill a living thing in Mecca. Soon, all Arabia was converted not only to the new worship but to the new laws, manners, attitudes contained in Islam The Prophet had lived to see his work done, and now he began to feel the nearness of death. One great act of his Prophet would remain the setting of its seal. He called the people to him and he spoke for the last time. His message was to surrender to god and humanity to man. Oh, mankind! Listen well! I may not be with you much longer the weak among you feed them and watch what you eat. Dress them as you are dressed, you will meet your god and he will call you to count your actions. Let those who are present warn those who are absent. You are all are descendant from Adam and the best among you is he who most regards god. Think deeply about what I say. Let all your feuds be abolished you must know that every Muslim is the brother of every other Muslim and all Muslims are brothers of one-another. Between Muslims, there are no races and no tribes. Not must you take anything from your brother except what is given freely. Do not oppress and do not be oppressed. O my people! I'm but a man, It may be that the angel of death will visit me soon and death will overtake me. But I have left you a book, revealed by god, The Qur'an, which is light and guidance. Now he repeated to the people the final repetition of the Qur'an, the sea of determination not Muhammad's words, but god's word This day I have perfected your religion for you and completed my favour to you and I have chosen for you Islam as your religion

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: There was a demon that lived in the air. They said whoever challenged him would die. Their controls would freeze up, their planes would buffet wildly, and they would disintegrate. The demon lived at Mach 1 on the meter, seven hundred and fifty miles an hour, where the air could no longer move out of the way. He lived behind a barrier through which they said no man could ever pass. They called it the sound barrier.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The Mercury program was over. Four years later, astronaut Gus Grissom was killed, along with astronauts White and Chaffee, when fire swept through their Apollo capsule. But on that glorious day in May 1963, Gordo Cooper went higher, farther, and faster than any other American - 22 complete orbits around the world; he was the last American ever to go into space alone. And for a brief moment, Gordo Cooper became the greatest pilot anyone had ever seen.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Long ago, the great Frith made the world. He made all the stars and the world lived among the stars. Frith made all the animals and birds and, at first, made them all the same. Now, among the animals was El-Ahrairah, the Prince of Rabbits. He had many friends and they all ate grass together. But after a time, the rabbits wandered everywhere, multiplying and eating as they went. Then Frith said to El-Ahrairah, "Prince Rabbit, if you cannot control your people, I shall find ways to control them." But El-Ahrairah would not listen and said to Frith, "My people are the strongest in the world." This angered Frith, so he determined to get the better of El-Ahrairah. He gave a present to every animal and bird, making each one different from the rest. When the fox came and others, like the dog and cat, hawk and weasel, to each of them, Frith gave a fierce desire to hunt and slay the children of El-Ahrairah.

  • [after General Woundwort's last stand against a dog]

    Narrator: General Woundwort's body was never found. It could be that he still lives his fierce life somewhere else, but from that day on, mother rabbits would tell their kittens that if they did not do as they were told, the General would get them. Such was Woundwort's monument, and perhaps it would not have displeased him.

  • Narrator: After 20 years, you analyze a lot. You remember people, heroism. "The Miracle of the Andes", that's what they called it. Many people come up to me and say that, had they been there, they surely would have died. But it makes no sense. Because until you're in a situation like that, you... you have no idea how you'd behave. To be affronted by solitude without decadence, or a single material thing to prostitute, it elevates you to a spiritual plane, where I felt the presence of God. Now, there's the God they taught me about at school, and there is the God that's hidden by what surrounds us in this civilization. That's the God that I met on the mountain.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so we were saved. Nando and Canessa breached the Andes and we were saved. Later a group went back and buried the bodies. They built a rough stone altar by the grave, and over it they placed an iron cross. There's nothing more I can tell you. We were brought together by a grand experience.

  • Narrator: [epilogue] And so, all ended well for both Horton and Who's, and for all in the jungle, even kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all; a person is a person, no matter how small.

  • Narrator: Now some people out there, I think I know who, may find they agree with that sour Kangaroo. There can't really be people as small as a mite. Well, there can and there are, because Horton was right.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is a story of long, long ago; when the world was just beginning.

  • Narrator: There are not many men yet. Just a few tribes scattered across the wilderness. Never venturing far, unaware that other tribes exist even. Too busy with their own lives to be curious. Too frightened of the unknown to wander. Their laws are simple: the strong take everything. This is Akhoba, leader of the Rock Tribe...

    Akhoba: [ordering his older son to kill the boar] Sakana!

    Narrator: And these are his sons, Sakana and Tumak.

    Tumak: [volunteering himself] Tumak!

    Narrator: There is no love loss between them. And that is our story.

  • Narrator: Unable to bear the humiliation, the British government decided to shut down the Champaner Cantonment.

  • Narrator: And so, not just Champaner, but all the villages in the province did not have to pay Lagaan for three years. Captain Russell had to pay for his capricious behavior. Besides having to pay triple Lagaan, he was transferred to the Central African Desert. Elizabeth returned to England, holding Bhuvan in her heart. She did not marry and remained Bhuvan's Radha all her life. Bhuvan and Gauri had a splendid wedding. Raja Puran Singh himself came to bless the newly-weds, enhancing Champener's status even more. Even after this historic victory, Bhuvan's name was lost somewhere in the pages of history.

  • Narrator: Remember this... even the most impossible parts of this story really happened.

  • Narrator: And below the hilt, in letters of gold, were written these words: "Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil is rightwise king, born of England." Though many tried for the sword with all their strength, none could move the sword nor stir it; so, the miracle had not worked, and England was still without a king. And in time, the marvelous sword was forgotten. This was a Dark Age, without law and without order. Men lived in fear of one another, for the strong preyed upon the weak.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: His name was Jeremiah Johnson, and they say he wanted to be a mountain man. The story goes that he was a man of proper wit and adventurous spirit, suited to the mountains. Nobody knows whereabouts he come from and don't seem to matter much. He was a young man and ghosty stories about the tall hills didn't scare him none. He was looking for a Hawken gun, .50 caliber or better. He settled for a .30, but damn, it was a genuine Hawken, and you couldn't go no better. Bought him a good horse, and traps, and other truck that went with being a mountain man, and said good-bye to whatever life was down there below.

  • Narrator: Another home, another main street. Stephen looked around, then summed the burgh up thusly:

    Young Stephen: Bloom, we've hit a one hat town.

    Narrator: One theater. One car wash. One café. One park. One cat. Which, through some mishap, had one leg.

  • Narrator: and being who he wasn't, could be as he wished to be

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: As far as con man stories go, I think I've heard them all. Of grifters, ropers, faro-fixers; tails drawn long and tall. But if one bears a bookmark in the confidence man's tome, it would be that of Penelope, and of the brothers Bloom.

  • Young Stephen: [to Bloom, after finishing their first con] So how's it feel?

    Narrator: In truth, young Bloom won't know for twenty years just how he felt.


    Narrator: And so, we'll skip ahead now in our story.

  • Narrator: Once upon a time, or maybe twice, there was an unearthly paradise called Pepperland. 80,000 leagues beneath the sea it lay, or lie. I'm not too sure.

  • Arthur: [looking at a banner that contains a William Shakespeare quote] "Some words may hide others."

    [Arthur notices writing hidden in the fabric]

    Arthur: Of course!

    Narrator: Archibald left his Grandson a note saying, "Dear Arthur, I'm sorry I left you without saying goodbye. But just because you can't see me, doesn't mean I'm not here. I have gone to visit the world of the Mimimoys to collect our rubies. Before, I was in charge of the expedition, but now, it will fall to you... If you accept it, that is.

    Arthur: [determined] I will accept it, Grandpa.

    Narrator: [as the Grandfather] Good.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [a photo album unlatches and opens to a picture of a bearded man] This is Archibald Suchot, a treasure hunter, explorer, and engineer. He spent 10 years in Africa building every type of useful thing. Oh, by the way, it's in the heart of Africa that our story begins.

    Narrator: [cut to a country road] Well, this really isn't Africa, it's Connecticut, and this is the house Archibald lived in before he mysteriously disappeared. But that's a story that Archibald's grandson would be more qualified to tell you. We'll see that he's quite a charming kid, who answers to the name of Arthur.

  • Narrator: [as Pooh is having honey hallucinations] As Pooh watched the honey honey away, his honey honey honey honey...

  • Narrator: As the others searched for a tail, Pooh realized that a pine cone would not win him the honey.

    Pooh: Why not?

    Narrator: Because it would have to be something special.

    Pooh: Oh. Special, you say. Special. Think, think, think...

    Narrator: No hurry, Pooh. Just take your time.

    Pooh: Take my time. What a wonderful idea!

  • [Opening lines]

    Narrator: This could be the room of any small boy, but in fact, it's not. It is the room of one young boy in particular named Christopher Robin. Now, Christopher Robin has a very active imagination, not to mention the uncanny ability to collect things. Big things, small things, sticky things... but his favorite things are his stuffed animals. Ah, there they are now. A charming and eccentric cast of characters. And his best friend among them is a bear named Winnie the Pooh, or Pooh for short. Together, they have many unusual adventures, that all happened right here in the Hundred Acre Wood.

  • Narrator: Just then, Pooh spotted a note.

    Pooh: I did?

    Narrator: Certainly, just there at your feet.

    Pooh: Oh.

    [looks around]

    Narrator: Uh, to your left. Uh, no, Pooh. To your other left. A little bit more. A tad. A hair. No, no, back a bit.

    Pooh: [sees note] Oh!

    Narrator: There you are.

    Pooh: Well, it's a good thing I noticed it. Othewise, I wouldn't have seen it.

  • Narrator: Pooh left feeling unsatisfied and a little out of sorts. In fact, he was so distracted by his rumbly tummy that he didn't notice that he was walking onto the next paragraph.

    Pooh: What is a paragraph?

    Narrator: It's a group of sentences that form a complete thought.

    Pooh: Is there honey in this paragraph?

    [waggles eyebrows]

    Narrator: Oh, sorry, Pooh, no.

    Pooh: Well then, I don't find it very useful.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Before the dawn of history, ever since the first man discovered his soul, he has struggled against the forces that sought to enslave him. He saw the awful power of nature rage against him. The evil eye of the lightning... The terrifying voice of the thunder... The shrieking, wind-filled darkness enslaving his mind with shackles of fear. Fear bred superstition, blinding his reason. He was ridden by a host of devil gods. Human dignity perished on the altar of idolatry. And tyranny arose, grinding the human spirit beneath the conqueror's heel. But deep in man's heart still burned the unquenchable will for freedom. When this divine spark flames in the soul of some mortal, whether priest or soldier, artist or patriot, lover or statesman, his deeds have changed the course of human events and his name survives the ages. In the village of Zorah, in the land of Dan, one thousand years before the birth of Christ, lived such a man. In him, the elements had fused greatness and weakness, strength and folly. But with these, was a bold dream... liberty for his nation. The man's name was Samson. For forty years the Philistines had held his people in bondage.

  • Narrator: End of Part One. Intermission.

    [short clip of the Beatles frolicking in a meadow]

    Narrator: End of Intermission. Part Two.

    [cut to a nurse bathing Ahme's sister]

    Lady: Where you been, eh? You been up at that temple again, ain't ya? You're as bad as your sister, coming home from work all hours and all colors.

    Narrator: End of Part Two. Part Three: Later That Evening.

  • Narrator: It is the middle of the dark ages, ages darker than anyone had ever expected.

  • Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a brave, little mouse who loved honor and justice and always told the truth.

    [Camera zooms in and we see a rat named Roscuro]

    Narrator: No, that's not him. That's a rat. And anyone who knows anything, knows there is a big difference between a mouse and a rat. First of all, rats hate the light.

    [Roscuro climbs on a barrel and looks at the sun]

    Narrator: They spend their lives in the darkness. Also terrify the people which is why they're slinking and cover all the time.

    [Roscuro goes to near of a sailor]

    Narrator: And as far as telling the truth as concerned, well, that is impossible, because as everyone knows a rat can't talk.

    [Roscuro starts to talk]

    Roscuro: Tell me that thing again, please.

    Pietro: Come on!

    Roscuro: Tell me one more time and I won't ask you ever again, I swear.

    Pietro: Fine. We are headed to Dor, one of the most magical places in the whole world.

    Roscuro: No, that's not what you said before. You know, every place has something special and in Dor, it's "the soup".

  • Narrator: If you know anything about fairy tales, then you know that a hero doesn't appear until the world really needs one.

  • Narrator: When your heart breaks it can grow back crooked. It grows back twisted and gnarled and hard.

  • Narrator: The story said she was a prisoner but that wasn't totally true because she had hope and whenever you have hope, you're never really anybody's prisoner.

  • Narrator: [voiceover] I could say they lived happily ever after, but what's the fun in that?

  • Narrator: So sometimes it doesn't take much for your dreams to come true, you just have to be able to see it that way.

  • Narrator: Of course, destiny is a funny thing. We go out to meet it and we don't always know that we are.

  • Narrator: In fact, you can have a good heart and not even know it.

  • Narrator: Ok, remember when we said that grief was the strongest thing a person could feel? Well, it isn't. It's forgiveness because a single act of forgiveness can change everything.

  • Narrator: Ok, remember when we said that grief is a strongest thing a person can feel? Well, it isn't. It's forgiveness. Because a single act of forgiveness can change everything.

    Roscuro: [Roscuro drops the bone] No!

    Botticelli: What?

    Roscuro: No.

    Botticelli: You worthless little...!

    [rings the gong]

  • Narrator: At that moment, Karen and Rocky's only hope in the whole WORLD, was Bullwinkle J. Moose... In other words, they didn't have a prayer.

  • Narrator: And so RBTV changed its name from Really Bad Television to Rocky and Bullwinkle Television.

    Bullwinkle: What's the difference?

  • Narrator: As dawn broke...

    [the sun appears as glass is heard shattering]

  • Narrator: And then through the miracle of computer-generated digital technology, Minnie reached into the television set and signed the contract. But when she tried to pull the contract out, the expensive animated characters were instantly converted into even more expensive motion picture stars.

  • Minnie Mogul: Hey, how did that happen?

    Fearless Leader: We're attached to the project.

    Narrator: But even though the pun was weak, the contract was ironclad.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [over stock footage of various historical events in a parody of a newsreel] 1964, a crucial moment in American history: Lyndon Johnson is re-elected to the presidency by a landslide, the New York World's Fair introduces a bright new future...

    Narrator: [scene cuts to show an animated Bullwinkle pull Rocky from his hat] and after five scintillating years on the air...

    Bullwinkle: Presto!

    Narrator: The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show is abruptly cancelled.

    BullwinkleRocky: [in unison] Cancelled?

    [the boys are pulled off screen to the right by a vaudeville hook as two janitors come by to clean up the mess]

    Narrator: Sorry about that, boys.

    [screen cuts to a card reading "TODAY", followed by shots of more recent live-action footage]

    Narrator: A lot has changed in 35 years: Velcro has replaced the zipper, sneakers have lights on them, the Cold War is over, and The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show is still cancelled.

    [newsreel ends as a hobo yawns and exits the theater]

    Narrator: [cut to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota where things are looking lively with the locals]

    Narrator: Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, once the beloved home of Rocky and Bullwinkle had been a thriving cartoon town.

    [crossfade to a "third-world country version" of Frostbite Falls]

    Narrator: Now, it was crippled by year's of reruns.

  • Narrator: Meanwhile all was well with our heroes. Rocky was his old self again.

    Bullwinkle: Ah i'll never forget our trip to New York to visit President Washington.

    Narrator: And so was Bullwinkle. Yes glad to be home in their revitalized little town Rocky the Flying Squirrel took a well deserved joy ride through the sunny skies of Frostbite Falls.

    Bullwinkle: Bye.

    Rocky: Bye Bye.

  • [Karen has escaped from prison and has stolen a truck leaving Oleg stranded at a movie theater]

    Narrator: [to Karen; about her recent actions] Now THAT wasn't very nice.

    Karen: [scoffs] Shut up.

    [Karen puts on a set of sunglasses]

  • Narrator: To the United States Navy, our thanks for making this picture possible. To the gallant officers and men of the silent service, to our submarines on war patrol in hostile waters, good luck, and... good hunting!

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Ayla walked with the Cave Bear. She had spoken out for Creb because she loved him. The sign had finally come. She understood the vision. Durc was of the Clan, and one day he would be their leader. She must find her own people. She must walk alone. Everything she had lived through had prepared her for this journey - and she was not afraid. For the first time Ayla felt the strength of her own spirit.

  • Narrator: To keep up his spirits, he began singing a dog marching song.

    Otis: Here comes the dog, strong and brave - woof! Here comes the dog, your life he...

    [falls into a hole]

    Narrator: He then decided to skip the whole thing.

  • Narrator: The noise upstairs didn't disturb the dogs that slept in the barn. They could sleep through anything. But a lot of the other animals were awakened by all the scurrying overhead. Some of them just accepted it... some were pretty annoyed... and a few quietly plotted revenge.

  • Narrator: Naturally, the sight of a dog and a cat watching an egg brought the usual string of gawkers... and thrill-seekers.

  • Narrator: Otis resumed his search for Milo. He saw in the distance an animal that he thought might be helpful.

    Fox: [singing and swimming in a creek] Deeya-da da da dat da, deya-da datta da... Eeyo edata da, de do doo datta-da.

    [Otis runs down the hill]

    Fox: Eeya dat-datta da!

    [continues singing, climbs out of creek]

    Fox: Oh... ah! Gah...

    [shakes water off]

    Fox: Ooh, that's better.

    [proceeds to jump in meadow]

    Otis: Excuse me! I'm looking for a friend of mine!

    Fox: I'm looking for, uh, someone to play with! Wanna race me across the stream, eh?

    Otis: I haven't got time!

    Narrator: ...Otis said, sensing that this fox wasn't going to be any great help.

    Fox: Hey wait a second... What kind of animal are you anyway?

    Otis: I'm a dog, of course.

    Fox: How can you be a dog? You have no tail!

    Narrator: Otis was outraged.

    Otis: I certainly do! Look!

    [wags his tail]

    Fox: Ha! You call that a tail? THIS is a tail! Ha ha ha!

    [waves his tail wildly]

    Narrator: And with that, the fox jumped away laughing.

  • Narrator: Milo reflected on the family he'd stayed with.

    Milo: Geez... no wonder they call them *pigs!*

  • Narrator: Milo started walking too close to the edge.

    Milo's Mother: Milo, dear.

    Narrator: His mother called.

    Milo's Mother: [as Milo falls] That's not a good idea! Come back here, Milo!

    Narrator: She yelled.

  • Narrator: Sometime later, during the last weeks of the long winter, Joyce was making preparations. The time was drawing near.

    Milo: [about her soon-to-come babies] You okay, Joyce? Want some more dinner? Remember, you're eating for eight now.

    Joyce: Milo... Milo, I think it's time.

    Milo: Okay! Remember the way to breathe?

    [Joyce breathes deeply]

  • North: What are you? Some kind of guardian angel?

    Narrator: Well I guess you can say that because in a manner of speaking we at Federal Express feel that we are guardians. Guardians of your most important packages and priority communique.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [WWII News Story] September 12, 1943, German paratroopers snatched Mussolini from his mountaintop prison in Italy.

  • Narrator: Heroes, whatever high ideas we may have of them, are mortal and not divine. We are all as God made us, and many of us much worse.

  • Narrator: It is not true that drink alters a man's character. It may reveal it more fully.

  • Narrator: [after Tom celebrates Squire Allworthy's recovery with too much wine] It is widely held that too much wine will dull a man's desire. Indeed it will... in a dull man.

  • Narrator: [Near the beginning, when we first meet the now grown-up Tom Jones] Our hero grew apace. A country lad far happier in the woods than in the study. A bad hero it may be, with many a weakness. But then, if Adam hadn't had such a weakness for apples, there would be nobody to tell Tom's story at all. And a part of that story tells of the sport that Tom found in the woods.

  • Narrator: Our hero, alas, was always being exploited by villains like Black George, for a generous man is merely a fool in the eyes of a thief.

  • Narrator: Happy the man, and happy he alone, he who can call today his own. He who, secure within, can say, Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived Today.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the west of England there was once a Squire Allworthy. After several months in London he returns home.

  • Squire Allworthy: [Upon discovering an abandoned baby in his bed, which they suspect Jenny, one of the servants, has put there] Who is the father, Jenny?

    Jenny: Sir, I am under the most solemn ties not to reveal the father's name.

    Squire Allworthy: You must be sent away from this shame and degradation. As for your child I will bring him up as if he were my own son.

    Bridget Allworthy: What will you call him, brother?

    Squire Allworthy: Tom Jones.

    Narrator: ...of whom the opinion of all was that he was born to be hanged.

  • Narrator: Mr. Thwackum and Mr. Square were Tom's tutors. Over the years they tried, with little success, to thrash into Tom a sense of virtue and religion. They had, however, a more apt pupil. Soon after Tom had been found, the Squire's sister Bridget married a captain Blifil and they had a son. This young man was quite different than Tom. He was sober, discreet and pious beyond his age and the whole neighborhood resounded in his praise.

  • Mr. Square: [Tom's tutors are discussing his education] You have only taught Tom to laugh at whatever is decent, and virtuous and right.

    Mr. Thwackum: I've taught him religion.

    Mr. Square: Mr. Thwackum, the word "religion" is as vague and uncertain as any in the English language.

    Mr. Thwackum: When I mention religion I mean the Christian religion. Not only the Christian religion, but the Protestant religion, and not only the Protestant religion but the Church of England.

    Mr. Square: I fear that Tom is the embodiment of the old truth: that foundlings should be left to the parish.

    Mr. Blifil: My dear tutors, I'm afraid that neither of you can touch his bastard's heart.

    Narrator: Neither indeed. But there was another who could...

  • Narrator: [the women in the parish are about to brawl with Molly Seagrim] Let dogs delight to bark and bite, for God has made them so. Let bears and lions growl and fight, for 'tis their nature to. But ladies, you should never let such angry passions rise. Your little hands were never made to tear each other's eyes.

  • Narrator: [Molly Seagrim has become pregnant out of wedlock, presumably due to her consorting with Tom] Molly's reputation was destroyed, and Tom's heart was heavy with remorse. Perhaps Mr. Square was right: that the wicked are snared in the work of their own hands.

  • Narrator: [upon the revelation of the real identity of the father of Molly's illegitimate child] Molly's favors, after all, had not been bestowed on Tom alone. Our hero, unlike many other men, was fortunate enough to discover the father of his child in time.

  • Tom Jones: [Drunkenly shouting the news of Mr. Allworthy's miraculous recovery from his carriage accident] Mr. Allworthy has recovered! It's over! The fever's gone! He's sitting up. He's well again! The Squire's recovered! It's over!

    Narrator: It's not true that drink changes a man's character. It can reveal it more clearly. The Squire's recovery brought joy to Tom, to his tutors, sheer disappointment.

  • Molly Seagrim: Are you aimin' to slit my throat, squire?

    Tom Jones: Would you like a sip of my wine?

    Molly Seagrim: Hmm, I've never had a sip of the gentleman's wine before.

    [She takes a swig from the bottle]

    Molly Seagrim: Hmm, it's very potent!

    [Molly giggles, and Tom starts laughing hysterically]

    Molly Seagrim: What are you laughing at, Tom?

    Tom Jones: I'm picturing Square in your bedroom!

    [Continues laughing]

    Narrator: To those who find our hero's behavior startling, the answer is simple: Tom had always thought that any woman was better than none. While Molly felt that one man was quite as good as two.

  • Narrator: Vauxhall Garden! Where people come to see and to be seen! In heaps they run, Some to undo, and some to be undone.

  • Narrator: It is hard when a woman leaves a man nothing but memories and a muff.

  • Narrator: To those who find our hero's behavior startling, the answer is simple: Tom had always thought that any woman was better than none, while Molly never felt that one man was quite as good as two.

  • Narrator: On the green isle of Thera, in its' capitol Atlantis, Cassiopeia awaits hopelessly the night of her sacrifice. Meanwhile, Hercules and the sorceress Circe cross the rainbow that will lead them to the gates of Hell.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Everyone who loves board games knows that they're as numerous and diverse as life itself. Games of chance, ingenuity, strategy. Games that can be played alone, with a partner, or in a group. Some invented hundreds of years ago, and others only recently. But when board game enthusiasts are asked to choose an adventurous, fantastic, and thrilling game, The Life of Ivan Drago comes out on top.

    Narrator: Where did the game come from? Was it the brain child of a great inventor? How it came to be is a great story. And one of the squares at the beginning, the one that shoes a ferris wheel, is a good place to start.

  • Narrator: Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well, yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.

  • Narrator: Across the hush of 24 centuries, this is the story of a turning point in history, of a blazing day when 300 Greek warriors fought here to hold with their lives their freedom and ours.

  • Narrator: "Oh, Stranger, tell the Spartans that we lie here obedient to their word." This last message of the fallen heroes rallied Greece to victory, first at Salamis, as predicted, and then at Plataea. But it was more than a victory for Greece. It was a stirring example to free people throughout the world of what a few brave men can accomplish once they refuse to submit to tyranny.

  • Narrator: When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfil? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?

    [Written on a black board: "To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."]

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live?

    Doctor: I'm afraid it's not great news. We've picked up cancerous cells in your blood, your liver, and your lymph nodes. We need to get you into treatment right away.

    Ben Tyler: How bad is it?

    Doctor: It's stage four.

    Ben Tyler: How many stages are there?

    Doctor: Four.

  • Narrator: How different things might have been for Ben had his nose-picking and day-dreaming been able to continue. Had he believed praise when he heard it, and had he decided, against all hope, to send his manuscript to Harper Collins.

  • Narrator: Not saving for retirement has it's advantages.

  • Narrator: Samantha was right. He was swimming in that famous river in Egypt.

  • Narrator: I'd say most of what I'm telling you is true. And the rest... well, the rest is the West.

  • Narrator: This is the story of three bears.

    Jiminy Cricket: Yeah, I know. The mama bear, the papa bear, and the itsy-bitsy baby bear.

    Narrator: Oh, but it's not the story you expect.

  • Narrator: Naturally, you'd think he'd be handled with kid gloves, treated like a king, and pampered like a baby. But, no! He was tossed around like an old shoe. Bongo, the bear in the gilded cage.

  • Narrator: [talking about Bongo] He was a circus bear. He was born in the circus, grew up in the circus, in fact, Bongo was the star of the circus. Why, he could juggle and dance while on a trapeze; walk a tightrope with the greatest of ease. In jujitsu, he was beyond compare; once threw a bull at the county fair; super at wrestling and lifting weights; outboxed the champs of seventeen states. They all packed in from near and far to see this death-defying star. With mouths wide open, they watched his ascent as he daringly climbed to the top of the tent. Then for a grand climax, he would gracefully plunge three hundred feet into a wet sponge.

  • Narrator: If this Coran were revealed to a mount, it would collapse even off feared Allah, the Great, said the truth. The Prophet, elected official by Allah to carry what the mountains can not, is too great and inaccessible to be represented by a human. For that we will not see nor his image neither his voice nor his shade, throughout this film.

  • Narrator: Restore the deposit with its beneficiary, betrayed not that which betrayed you. The Messenger of Allah, that safety is on him, known as: You all are of the guards and persons in charge for your subjects. The Imam is a guard, and person in charge for his subjects. And the man are a guard of his family, and he are the person in charge for his subjects. And the woman are guardian in the house of her husband and she is responsible for his subjects. The servant is a guard of the goods of his master and it are responsible for its subjects. You all are of the guards and all persons in charge for your subjects.

  • Narrator: Two years ago, we regarded the truce of Hudaybya as a defeat. But today, we accumulate the victories in the heart of the men.

  • Narrator: Return quickly in Mecca, any man here you in wants. Say them that their gods died. Useless to fight Allah.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the territory of New Mexico towards the end of the Civil War, an Indian, Sierra Charriba, and his Apache warriors raided, sacked and looted an area almost three times the size of Texas.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The legend of Jack the Giant Killer was born over a thousand years ago in Cornwall, England near Land's End. There was a time when the Kingdom of Cornwall lived in fear and trembling of the Black Prince Pendragon - master of witches, giants and hobgoblins - who ravaged the land. But at long last Herla the Wizard drove Pendragon and his witches from the kingdom and exiled them beyond the reaches of the known world. Here on a misty isle, uncharted and unknown, Pendragon schemed and waited for the day when he could return to power in Cornwall. Then, after many years, the day came.

  • Narrator: Venus... Venus... the planet named after the Goddess of Love. This is... where I left her... 26 million miles away. Because I know she exists. I know she does! I know it! All the time we were there I heard her. Her and that sweet, haunting sound she makes, like the Sirens that tempted Ulysses... You may think I'm crazy back there on Earth. Crazy and still intoxicated by the atmosphere back there. But, wait a minute, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you the whole story. All of it from the beginning and see what you think. You be the judge!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Once upon a time... a long, long time ago... there was a mystical city, Tar. And at that time all the cities were intact and flourishing, because the final war had not yet begun. When the great catastrophe occurred, all the cities crumbled... except Tar. Tar still exists. If you know where to look for it, you will find it. And when you get there you will be presented with wine and water and play with a gramophone. When you get there, you will help harvest grapes and you will pick up scorpions hidden under white rocks. When you get there... you will know eternity. You'll see a bird that drinks one drop of water from the ocean every hundred years. When you get there, you'll understand life and you'll become a cat, phoenix, swan, elephant, baby and an old man. You'll be alone and accompanied. You'll love and be loved, sharing the same space... and yours will be the seal of seals. As you approach the future, you'll find... Ecstasy. It will overwhelm you and never abandon you.

  • Narrator: When you arrive at Tar... you'll wear a golden crown upon your head. And you'll possess the key that opens all the labyrinths.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: When Columbus discovered America, a series of mysteries arose to confound the scholars of Europe. Here are two continents, completely isolated from each other, yet they simultaneously developed similar cultures. For example, the Mayans measured time on the same principle as the Gregorian calendar of Europe. They used the same signs of the zodiac, the same decimal and mathematical system. They valued silver and gold, using both for jewelry and barter. Another mystery was the banana plant, a native of Asia that cannot be grown from seed, yet Columbus found it thriving in the New World. Elephants at that time did not exist in the Americas, yet their likenesses were cleaved on the walls of prehistoric caves in Peru. The pyramids in Mexico and in Egypt were built on identical architectural principles. Then there was the striking resemblance of a witch of Spain, and the witch depicted in the New World. But the most significant of all, Mayan and Aztec legends shared with Greek and Hebrew and Assyrian literature an account of a terrible deluge, a deluge many believe had destroyed the link, the mother empire, that had spread her civilization to both sides of the Atlantic. The Greek scholar Plato recorded this theory first, over two thousand years ago. There was once another continent: Atlantis: The Lost Continent.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Atlantis is gone. But free men, *wiser* men, carried the culture from the mother empire to the four corners of the earth.

  • Narrator: My dad wasn't just one man named Flint Mitchell. He was a breed of men... mountain men who lived and died in America. He used to tell me about these men he knew. Men who walked the Indian trails and blazed new ones where no man had ever been before. Men who found lakes and rivers and meadows. Men who found paths to the west and the western sea; who roamed prairies and mountains and plateaus that are now states. Men who searched for beaver and found glory. Men who died unnamed and found immortality. My father always began his story by telling me about the summer rendezvous of the mountain men. This is where they met every July after a year of trapping in the Rockies. Here they cashed in their furs, caught up on their drinking and the fighting and the gambling and the fun... and the girls. They lived hard and they played hard.

  • Narrator: Trees lie where they fall, and men were buried where they died.

  • Narrator: My father told me that for the first time, he saw these Indians as he had never seen them before - as people with homes and traditions and ways of their own. Suddenly they were no longer savages. They were people who laughed and loved and dreamed.

  • Narrator: Mother got mad... Indian mad.

  • Narrator: In desperation, and to satisfy his greed, Nesbitt decided to let Ted shoot.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The year: 2020. The Moon has been explored and colonized and the next space goal is about to be reached - the first landing by on the planet Venus. Scientists profoundly hope that life, similar to that on Earth, may be found on this planet where so many physical conditions are like our own. Three rocket ships of an international expedition - the Sirius, Vega and Capella, after having successfully traveled 200 million miles are in the final stages of their journey...

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so man's search for intelligent life on other planets and in other galaxies will continue. For this is the heart and meaning of that great advenure - the exploration of the Universe.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This part of the desert of South Africa, where only a parched camel thorn tree relieves the endless parallels of time, space, and sky, surrounds like a rope of sand the richest diamond-bearing area in the world -- an uneasy land where men inflamed by monotony and the heat sometimes forget the rules of civilization.

  • Narrator: His name was Unico. No one knew the reason why, but this little unicorn had a very special power. Wherever he went, Unico had the gift of making all living things lighthearted and happy.

  • Narrator: The Greeks did prepare for years of siege. They unloaded provisions from their ships. As time went on, they looted and raped the small, surrounding villages.

  • Narrator: This is a story that old men tell to children. They aren't sure where it happened or when.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is the sea, as old as the world itself. It extends over three quarters of the surface of the globe. The sea: the birthplace of life, the great storehouse of minerals, the prison of haunting mysteries.

  • Narrator: We are now prepared to invade the black wilderness.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: When factories first began to send their pall of smoke over the cities, and farmlands in the east offered only the barest living, Americans turned their faces toward the west. They poured into the new territories by thousands; bringing their household goods, fording the might rivers, and climbing the mountains. Fighting Indians and outlaws, praying, toiling, dying. It was a hard land, a hostile land. Only the strong survived. A new American breed, the Pioneer. In this forge, created on this anvil, was hammered out a man who became a legend; a man who hated thievery and oppression. His face masked, his true name, unknown, he thundered across the west on a silver white stallion. Appearing out of nowhere to strike down injustice or outlawry, and then vanishing as mysteriously as he came. His sign was the silver bullet. His name was the Lone Ranger.

  • Narrator: [opening narration] A long time ago - so long ago that no one can remember, no tree can remember and no rock can remember - there was a land between two shining seas. In the towns of the East, a group of settlers formed a new nation they called "America," but soon they began to look West. In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson commissioned a daring expedition to map the land, discover the enchanting wildlife and develop friendly relations with the native people who lived on the frontier. He selected two men for the task: Meriwether Lewis and William Clark. With these two went the hopes and dreams of the American people, but deep within their hearts, their greatest ambition was to stand on that far western edge, look out over the Pacific and breathe in the salty ocean air. They believed it was... their destiny.

  • Narrator: [closing line] And the rest, as they say, is history.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On April 23rd, the word to start comes from Washington. Underneathly, our finest research laboratories change over to this all important project, the building of a passenger carrying rocketship. Every security measure is taken. Test upon test must be made to develop, improve, create, evolve.

  • Narrator: The government is encouraging these sporting events because the people take such a keen interest in them. It's like baseball or football in our country. A tug of war is arranged between two bull elephants and the natives bet high on the outcome. Events like this are designed to keep their minds off of more *troublesome* matters.

  • Native Chief: Plenty big job to get 40 boy for you. They scared of voodoo.

    Wayne Monroe: Voodoo? I thought you were all over that business, Tonga.

    Native Chief: Tonga no 'fraid for voodoo. But boy plenty 'fraid.

    Wayne Monroe: What's the voodoo this time? Just what are they afraid of?

    Native Chief: White woman.

    Wayne Monroe: Well, I can't say as I blame 'em.

    Native Chief: Pretty white woman, but bad. She is queen of the she-devils. Very pretty, but good native is 'fraid from her. White goddess!

    Narrator: Well, bless my soul! A white goddess in the jungle?

    Wayne Monroe: White goddess, huh? She-devils. Hmm!

  • Narrator: [noticing the professor eying a native woman] Remember, professor, you're supposed to be interested in insects.

    Professor: But you find them in the strangest places.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The year 1648 was a grim one for France. With the death of the great Cardinal Richelieu, the strong hand holding the country together was gone. Terror and violence ruled as the power-hungry nobles plotted to gain control.

  • Narrator: Ah, yes, these were truly the days of wooden ships and iron men, but some of the iron was getting a little rusty.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [handwritten note] Giglio island salutes the election of Miriam Rossi as Mayor, and invites the people to take part massively at her wedding ceremony with the notable Archeology Scholar.

  • NARRATOR: And still of a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees, / When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas, / When the road is a ribbon of moonlight looping the purple moor, / A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding, / A highwayman comes riding up to the old inn door.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: With no regard for his personal safety, Congo Bill has never hesitated to risk his life to track down and capture even the most ferocious beasts of the jungle with power and speed beyond human conception. Even though trapped, these savage animals must still be trained adding new hazards to Congo Bill's thrill-packed career. A dangerous way of life, he would not trade it for any other.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: I don't expect you've ever heard of our valley. Mara Mara is its name, the name the Australian blacks gave it hundreds of years before we came to their land. Mara Mara. It has a nice, sleepy sound, hasn't it? And we're a sleepy little town, too. Plenty of hard work, but never much excitement. That is to say, not until last Christmas. I must tell you about last Christmas, because then we had too much excitement for a little place like ours. It all started on the afternoon school broke up for Christmas holidays. Of course on our side of the world, Christmas comes in the middle of the summer.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Captain Midnight! His country calls and aviation's greatest hero flies again in a one-man war against crime. The odds seem unsurmountable, yet his courage never flags. Single-handed, through fog and sleet and snow, he daily risks his life in the cause of justice. And while he lives, the underworld dares not rest!

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And soon after, Tonga was able to return to her cousins in the sea, but for many whales, they must live in fear of the many dangers of man. Last year alone, 4,000 whales were killed by harpoons. What will it take for man to end this senseless pursuit against these beautiful harmless creaturs and allow them to live in peace?

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Shakira goes on living her mysterious and excentric life. She decided to ask no more than 15% as her payment. Camilla is living with Matt on Costa Rica's beaches. Her Internet business is having more success as days pass. Tori has got her degree as Gastronomy, and is managing her own restaurant. She stopped working as a model and is living a passionate romance with Bonzo; they're thinking of living together. Priz started studying to be an actress. Joel came looking for her, but she rejected him. Now she has three boyfriends, all know about it, and accept the situation. The four girls are inseparable friends, and are in constant communication with each other.

  • Narrator: ...Shaolin temples thousands of years ago were famous for their kung fu schools, and everybody has come to relate these temples with kung fu. Even the best fighters in the world didn't dare challenge the Shaolin students. During the Ching Dynasty, the reigning government had total control of the Shaolin temples and schools. The monk Chi Kong wasn't a real monk. In fact he was evil. He even accepted girls as students. He taught these girls the kung fu style. There were eighteen of them... Title and credits follow.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [on television] Although each of the world's countries would like to dispute this fact, we French know the truth: the best food in the world is made in France. The best food in France is made in Paris. And the best food in Paris, some say, is made by Chef Auguste Gusteau. Gusteau's restuarant is the toast of Paris, booked five months in advance. And his dazzling ascent to the top of fine French cuisine has made his competitors envious. He is the youngest chef ever to achieve a five-star rating. Chef Gusteau's cookbook "Anyone Can Cook!" climbed to the top of the bestseller list. But not everyone celebrates its success.

    [cutting away to Ego]

    Anton Ego: Amusing title, "Anyone Can Cook!". What's even more amusing is that Gusteau actually seems to believe it. I, on the other hand, take cooking seriously. And, no, I don't think anyone can do it.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so, they all lived happily ever after.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom known as Andalasia, there lived an evil queen. Selfish and cruel, she lived in fear that one day her stepson would marry and she would lose her throne forever. And so she did all in her power to prevent the prince from ever meeting the one special maiden with whom he would share true love's kiss.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a tiny kingdom; peaceful, prosperous, and rich in romance and tradition. Here in a stately chateau, there lived a widowed gentleman, and his little daughter, Cinderella. Although he was a kind and devoted father, and gave his beloved child every luxury and comfort, still, he felt she needed a mother's care. And so he married again, choosing for his second wife, a woman of good family, with two daughters just Cinderella's age, by name, Anastasia and Drizella. It was upon the untimely death of this good man, however, that the stepmother's true nature was revealed: cold, cruel, and bitterly jealous of Cinderella's charm and beauty, she was grimly determined to forward the interests of her own two awkward daughters. Thus, as time went by, the chateau fell into disrepair, for the family fortunes were squandered upon the vain and selfish stepsisters while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become a servant in her own house. And yet, through it all, Cinderella remained ever gentle and kind, for with each dawn she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In a faraway land, long ago, there lived a King and his fair Queen. Many years they had longed for a child, and finally their wish was granted. A daughter was born, and they called her Aurora. Yes, they named her after the dawn, for she filled their lives with sunshine. Then a great holiday was proclaimed throughout the land, so that all of high or low estate could pay homage to the infant Princess. And our story begins on that most joyful day...

  • Narrator: Max knew nothing about love. It was as foreign to him as a salad sandwich.

  • Narrator: Max hoped Mary would write again. He'd always wanted a friend. A friend that wasn't invisible, a pet or rubber figurine.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: He smelled like licorice and old books, she thought to herself, as tears rolled from her eyes, the color of muddy puddles.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Mary Dinkle's eyes were the color of muddy puddles. Her birthmark, the color of poo.

  • Narrator: Max had trouble understanding non-verbal signals. Flirting was as foreign to him as jogging.

  • Narrator: Born in a barn in the hills of Boronia, Ralph lived a long life and died of pneumonia.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Through the snow, and sleet, and hail / Through the blizzard, through the gale / Through the wind and through the rain / Over mountain, over plain / Through the blinding lightning flash / And the mighty thunder crash / Ever faithful, ever true / Nothing stops him, he'll get through.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.

  • Narrator: Wilbur's stomach was empty and his mind was full. Well, when your stomach is empty and your mind is full, It's hard to fall asleep. But sleep and Wilbur finally found each other.

  • Narrator: And so, Wilbur came home to his beloved manure pile in the barn cellar. Around his neck, he wore a medal of honor. In his mouth, he held a sack of spider's eggs.

    [Mr. Zuckerman takes Wilbur's medal, polishes it, and hangs it over the cellar doorway]

    Narrator: Wilbur no longer worried about being killed, for he knew that Mr. Zuckerman would keep him as long as he lived.

  • Narrator: The autumn days grew short. One evening, just before Christmas, snow began falling, and cold settled on the world.

    [we see Fern and Avery sledding down a hill in front of the Zuckermans' barn]

    Narrator: All winter, Wilbur watched over Charlotte's egg sac as though he were guarding his own children. And after many long days and nights, the snows melted and ran away.

  • Narrator: Once she had promised Wilbur she was going to save his life, Charlotte was determined to keep her promise. Day after day, she hung from her web and waited patiently for an idea to come to her.

  • Narrator: People had come to see Wilbur when he was "Some Pig", and came back again now that he was "Terrific".

  • Narrator: [Six weeks later] Wilbur was what the farmers call a "spring pig", which means he was born in springtime. By the time he was six weeks old, he'd grown so, you'd never have known he started life as a runt. Wilbur had gotten so big, in fact, that John Arable decided that it was time he stopped being a pet, and start being a pig.

    Arable: [At the Arable house] He's got to go, Fern.

    Fern Arable: Papa, no!

    Arable: You've had your fun raising a baby pig, but Wilbur's got to be sold. He's not a baby anymore and his brothers and sisters are already sold.

    Fern Arable: [Fern starts crying and runs outside] Oh Papa!

  • Narrator: [we hear a rooster crow and a cow moo]

    [first lines]

    Narrator: This old world is filled with wonders, but to me there is no place more wonderful than a farm in springtime, when the sun is just lifting from the sky line. The air is so sweet and everywhere you look, little miracles are happening. Buds swell into blossoms, eggs hatch, young are born.

    [shows duck and ducklings swimming in puddle]

    Narrator: Everything's off to a fresh start, and life is good and busy and brand new.

    [hen and chicks pass by]

    Narrator: Around the barnyard, big families are a blessing. The more the merrier.

    [litter of ten piglets are suckling from a sow, A tiny white runt appears]

    Narrator: Root and grunt, push and shove, room for everyone. Well, everybody except - the runt.

    [runt squealing, Arable picks up his axe]

    Narrator: John Arable had been up since daybreak. He'd seen the size of the pig, but he wasn't looking forward to what had to be done.

    Fern Arable: [carrying a bowl of eggs]


    Fern Arable: Good morning, Papa!

    Arable: [looks at Fern] Morning, Fern!

  • Fern Arable: Oh Wilbur!


    Narrator: The next day was the saddest one Fern and Wilbur had ever known, for the young pig was taken from his home under the apple tree, and sold down the road to Fern's uncle, Homer Zuckerman.

    [truck moves]

    Fern Arable: [crying] Goodbye, Wilbur... goodbye Wilbur... goodbye...


  • Narrator: After a while, I lost my intimacy with Tiwa. As she grew up, she gave up her playthings.

    Narrator: Deprived of lessons, I decided to run away.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.

  • Tigger: Say, who are you?

    Narrator: I'm the narrator.

    Tigger: Oh, well, please, for goodness' sakes, narrate me down from here.

  • Narrator: Now, Piglet lived in the middle of the forest in a very grand house in the middle of a beech tree. And Piglet loved it very much.

    Piglet: Whew, yes. Whoops. You see, it's been in the family a long time. It belonged to my grandfather.

    Piglet: [pointing to sign] Oh, that's his name up there. "Trespassers Will." That's short for "Trespassers William."

    Narrator: Trespassers William?

    Piglet: Yes. And Grandma, oh, she called him T.W. That's even shorter.

  • [Tigger had found a lost Rabbit and is rushing him out of the misty woods]

    Narrator: Rabbit was now a humiliated rabbit, a lost-and-found rabbit, and a "Why, oh why do these things happen to me?" rabbit.

  • Narrator: And so we come to the last chapter, in which Pooh and Christopher Robin go to the enchanted part of the forest, and we say goodbye.

    Winnie the Pooh: Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can't we just go back to page one and start all over again?

    Narrator: Sorry, Pooh, but all stories have an ending, you know.

    Winnie the Pooh: Oh, bother.

  • Narrator: Winnie the Pooh crawled out of the gorse bush, brushed the prickles from his nose and began to think again.

    Winnie the Pooh: Think, think, think.

    Narrator: And the first person he thought of was...

    Winnie the Pooh: Winnie the Pooh?

    Narrator: No. Christopher Robin.

    Winnie the Pooh: Oh.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This could be the room of any small boy, but it just happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. Like most small boys, Christopher Robin has toy animals to play with, and they all live together in a wonderful world of make-believe. But his best friend is a bear called Winnie the Pooh, or Pooh, for short. Now, Pooh had some very unusual adventures, and they all happened right here in the Hundred-Acre Wood.

  • Winnie the Pooh: I sure like bouncing. Wasn't that fun, Piglet?

    Piglet: Y-yes, but the best part is when it stops.

    Narrator: Well, in the next chapter, there's a great deal of bouncing.

    Piglet: There is? Oh. I-I have something I forgot to do today, and I shan't be able to do tomorrow, so I 'spose I have to go back and do it n-now. Good-bye, Pooh.

    Winnie the Pooh: Good-bye, Piglet. Now, is the next chapter all about me?

    Narrator: No, it's mostly about Tigger.

    Winnie the Pooh: Oh, bother.

    Narrator: But you're in it.

    Winnie the Pooh: Oh, good. What will I be doing?

    Narrator: Well, Pooh, you'll be sitting in your Thoughtful Spot, thinking as usual.

  • Narrator: Winnie the Pooh lived in this enchanted forest under the name of Sanders, which means he had the name over the door in gold letters, and he lived under it.

  • Narrator: Yes, the time has come at last. Christopher Robin was heading off to school. No one else in the forest knew why or where he was going, just that it had something to do with twice-times, and how to make things called ABCs, and where a place called Brazil is.

  • Narrator: And now, we come to the next chapter in which...

    Winnie the Pooh: But I haven't finished yet.

    Narrator: But Pooh, you're in the next chapter.

    Winnie the Pooh: Oh. Well, what happens to me?

    Narrator: Well, let's turn the page and find out.

  • Narrator: Now, the very blustery night turned into a very rainy night. And Pooh kept his lonely vigil, hour, after hour, after hour - until at last - Pooh fell fast asleep - and began to dream.

  • Narrator: Now Pooh was not the sort to give up easily. When he put his mind to honey he stuck to it. Now honey rhymes with bunny and bunny rhymes with...

    Winnie the Pooh: Rabbit? Yeah and i like Rabbit because he uses short easy words like how about lunch? And help yourself Pooh.

  • Narrator: Well there goes Tigger. Always bouncing on his friends when they least expect him.

  • [first lines]

    [various shots of a live-action bedroom with the characters portrayed as stuffed animals]

    Narrator: [narrating] Now this might be the room of any small boy. But it just so happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. Like most small boys, Christopher Robin had toy animals to play with; and together, they had many remarkable adventures in an enchanted place called the Hundred Acre Wood.

    [crossfade to a windowsill as the camera zooms toward it with Pooh as a stuffed animal sits next to a red hardcover book with "WINNIE THE POOH' inscribed on the front cover]

    Narrator: [as the "Winnie the Pooh" book opens] But of all his animal friends, Christopher Robin's very best friend was a bear called Winnie the Pooh.

    [Tigger in his animated form appears]

    Tigger: [to the narrator; dismayed] WINNIE THE POOH?

    Tigger: [closes the book] Wait half a darn minute! It seems to me that most of these stories are about that silly old bear!

    [the narrator proceeds to "open" the book again; moving Tigger out of the way]

    Narrator: Well then, Tigger. Who *should* this story be about?

    Tigger: Well, I happen to know someone who's extremely fascinatin', not to mention handsome and debonair-y.

    Narrator: But the title already says "Winnie the Pooh".

    Tigger: Oh, that's easy to fix!

    [the book falls over with Tigger still in it, but he props it back up again and uses various parts of the title page and the tree to create the film's title, "The Tigger Movie"]

    Tigger: [Tigger notices that "Tigger" in the title isn't colored, so he nudges the book and "Tigger" becomes orange]

    Tigger: [about the title of the movie] There, now that's a wonderful title! And speaking of wonderful things... woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

    [Tigger does the Whoop-de-Dooper, Loop-de-Looper, Ali-Ooper Bounce into the book]

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Hey, yeah - the 1960s? Happy times, heavy times.

  • Eleanor Duvall: You're an animal.

    Davey Stone: And you're bald!

    [rips her wig off]

    Eleanor Duvall: Not again.


    Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.

    Davey Stone: Good, your house SUCKS!

    Jennifer: Do you have to be mean to everybody who tries to help you?

    Davey Stone: That's my problem!

    [tosses wig which hands on the Waiter's head]

    Chinese Waiter: He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi

    Narrator: Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse.

  • Narrator: Well, while Whitey and Eleanor are getting ready for the banquet, the moron was having a party of his own. And when people get in a state that Davey is in, they do really stupid things. Like go to a mall that's obviously closed to yell at a woman who is obviously not there.

    Davey Stone: Jennifer! Jennifer! What's the matter with the way I live my life, huh, Jennifer? Where are you? Home reading your baby boy a bedtime story? While he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket? Ugh, horse shit!

  • Narrator: They used their balls as weapons in a brave kamikaze attack.

  • Narrator: The next thing you know you're looking back instead of forward. And now, at the climax of all those years of worry, sleepless nights, and denials, Bill finally finds himself staring his death in the face, surrounded by people he no longer recognizes and feels no closer attachment to than the thousands of relatives who'd come before. And as the Sun continues to set, he finally comes to realize the dumb irony in how he had been waiting for this moment his entire life, this stupid awkward moment of death that had invaded and distracted so many days with stress and wasted time.

  • Narrator: Bill picked up hid new medication, went home, and masturbated for seven hours.

  • Narrator: He will spend hundreds of years travelling the world; learning all there is to know. He will learn every language, he will read every book, he will know every land. he will spend thousands of years, creating stunning works of art. He will learn to meditate to control all pain. As wars will be fought, and great loves found, and lost, and found, lost, and found, and found, and found and memories built upon memories, until life runs on an endless loop. He will father hundreds of thousands of children whose own exponential offspring he will slowly lose track of, though the years. Whose millions of beautiful lives, will all, eventually, be swept again from the Earth. And still, Bill will continue. He will learn more about life, than any being in history, but death will forever be a stranger to him. People will come and go, until names lose all meaning, until people lose all meaning and vanish entirely from the world, and still Bill will live on. he will befriend the next inhabitants of the Earth; beings of light, who revere him as a god. And bill will outlive them all, for millions and millions of years, exploring, learning, living. Until the Earth is swallowed beneath his feet. Until the sun is long since gone. Until time loses all meaning, and the moment comes that he only knows the positions of the stars, and see's them whether his eyes are closed or open. Until he forgets his name, and the place he'd once come from. He lives, and he lives, until all of the lights, go out.

  • Narrator: He woke up the following morning and thought his room looked different. His mouth was bleeding; four of his teeth had fallen out in the night. They looked sorta like dog teeth. Everyone in the supermarket looked like some sort of demon, and they all had gigantic bacteria ridden crotches buried in all the god damned produce.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: If you were asked to choose the most fabulous character in English literature, who would it be? Robin Hood? King Arthur? Becky Sharp? Sherlock Holmes? Oliver Twist, perhaps? Well, any one of them would be an excellent choice. Still, for the most fabulous character of all, I would nominate... a toad - J. Thaddeus Toad, Esq. Have you ever met him? You'll find his story in this delightful little book, "The Wind In the Willows". Toad, you might say, was the one disturbing element: incurable adventurer, mad, reckless, tried everything, positive mania for fads, and he never countered the cost. Had a host affair with friends, of course, but there were only three who had his best interests at heart. One was a badger, MacBadger. Another was a water rat; a bit stuffy, perhaps, but really a fine fellow. And a mole; gentle creature, kind and sympathetic.

  • [the movie now segues through the library from the end of "The Wind In the Willows" to the start of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"]

    Narrator: Yeah, J. Thaddeus, quite a lad. Speaking of fabulous characters, England has produced a bumper crop of them. But don't forget, over here in the colonies, we've managed to come up with a few of our own. How about Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, Johnny Appleseed, Black Bart, Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone and, of course, the one and only Ichabod Crane. Old Ichy, if you recall, was the country schoolmaster dreamed up by Washington Irving. Oh, he had a way with the yarn, good Mr. Irving.

    [the "Sleepy Hollow" portion of the movie starts]

  • Chorus: Who's that walking down the street?

    Narrator: Are those shovels, or are they feet?

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Man, I'm getting out of here!

  • Narrator: Don't try to figure out a plan. You can't reason with a headless man.

  • [It's the middle of the night and Toad is escaping from his room]

    Narrator: Now there was one problem with Ratty's cure for motormania... it didn't work.

    [Toad climbs down a line of blankets tied together]

    Narrator: You see, Toad was far too clever and at the moment, completely mad. He was determined to get a motor car. If he had to beg, borrow or...

    [Next frame, is a shot of a newspaper stating that Toad was arrested for driving in a stolen motor car]

  • [while trying to get Toad Hall in order, MacBadger gets interrupted by two knocks on the door, the second one, thankfully, from Rat and Mole]

    Angus MacBadger: Oh, it's you, Rat. And Mole, too. Thank goodness, lads. You've come at last.

    [they go into Toad Hall]

    Narrator: Poor MacBadger, he'd reach the end of his rope, or as he said himself...

    Angus MacBadger: I'm feelin' like a nervous wreck.

    Rat: I say, MacBadger, what seems to be the trouble?

    Angus MacBadger: [upset] Something's got to be done about Toad! This time, he is goin' too far!

    Mole: But he promised us.

    Angus MacBadger: Promises? Ha! What good are his promises when these wild manias take him? Now look, you're his dearest friends, are you not?

    Rat: Yes.

    Mole: Very dear friends.

    Angus MacBadger: Then, lads, you've got to find Toad and stop him.

    Rat: What's he doing?

    Angus MacBadger: He's got a new mania. He's rampagin' about the county in a canary yellow gypsy cart with a horse named Cyril.

  • Narrator: Next morning, Ichabod's hat was found, and close beside it, a shattered pumpkin, but there was no trace of the schoolmaster. It was shortly thereafter that Brom Bones led the fair Katrina to the altar. Now, rumors persisted that Ichabod was still alive, married to a wealthy widow in a distant county. But of course, the settlers refused to believe such nonsense, for they knew the schoolmaster had been spirited away by the Headless Horseman.

  • Narrator: Oh, Katrina, my love. Who can resist your grace, your charm? And who can resist your father's farm?


    Narrator: Boy, what a set-up! There's gold in them acres, and that ain't hay. Not to mention all that lovely green stuff! Dear Katrina, my love, my treasure. Treasure? Ah, that barn's a gold mine. How I'd love to hit the jackpot. Sweet Katrina, Papa's only child. Papa? Well, the old goat can't take it with him, and when he cuts out, that's where I cut in.

  • [Toad is acting like a motorcar. His friends blame it on his mania for cars and grab him and drag him home]

    Narrator: Mania, that's it. That's what it was, a positive mania. No telling where it would end, either; it may linger for months, and with Toad Hall at stake.

    [Toad's friends have successfully escorted him to his room in his home at Toad Hall]

    Narrator: Well, they had no choice. There was only one thing to do: lock the poor chap in his chamber and keep him there until the poison worked out of his system.

    [Rat and Mole dress Toad in his nightclothes and throw water over him to stop his acting like a car]

    Mole: [after Toad stops] That's better.

    Rat: [to Toad] And you can't escape, you know. Simply no use trying.

    [They shut the door and lock it. Toad pounds on the door and tugs on it, trying to open it]

    Mr. Toad: Let me outta here! Open up! Open up, I say! Please, Ratty, Moley, open the door!

    Narrator: Now, of course, playing jailer to one's dearest friend wasn't much of an enjoyable experience. In fact, Moley weakened right at the start and wanted to call it quits, but Ratty said, "No. Definitely not." This time they must be firm. After all, it wasn't just a matter of saving Toad from himself. There was MacBadger to consider, and Toad Hall and all that it stood for.

  • [Toad had been found guilty of stealing the motorcar, a crime he never committed]

    Narrator: News of Toad's disgrace rocked the nation. It seemed the courts were trying to make an example of him. Of course, his friends tried to help, but they were blocked at every turn. Why, they must have reopened the case a dozen times. They appealed to this court, that court, any court, but the decision stood: the case of J. Thaddeus Toad was closed.

  • Additional voices: It's the new schoolmaster.

    Additional voices: What's his name?

    Narrator: Ichabod, Ichabod Crane.

  • [Pablo the penguin has fulfilled his dream of moving to a warmer, more tropical climate]

    Prof. Holloway: And so, as the warm, tropical sun sinks slowly in the west, we leave little Pablo, a bird in paradise, a picture of health in his new coat of tan. He should be the happiest penguin in the world.

    [Pablo looks at some photographs of penguins back at the South Pole]

    Prof. Holloway: Only, sometimes he gets to thinking...

    Narrator: [laughs] Never satisfied. Well, that's human nature for you, even if you're a penguin.

    Donald Duck: You're absolutely right.

  • Narrator: What a time two toucans have making love. When they're beak-to-beak, they can't get cheek-to-cheek, because when one toucan turns his head, only one toucan can.

  • [Donald is about to watch a movie on rare birds, one of his birthday presents]

    Narrator: [on movie] Aves raras.

    Donald Duck: ¿Aves raras?

    Narrator: Si, señor. That means "strange birds".

    Donald Duck: Oh, sure, sure! I know! Birds!

    [he forms his hands together and flaps them like the wings of a bird]

    Narrator: Yes, amigo, your feathered cousins. You know, Donald, you have more relatives here than there are coffee beans in Brazil.

  • [the young gauchito goes hunting in the mountains]

    Narrator: Now, the best place to hunt the wild ostrich is out on the wide open plains, on the broad, flat land of the... Flat land? Say, what am I doing here? Oh, now I remember! This day, I was hunting for condor birds high up in the mountains. While looking around for the condors, I climbed to the top of a rock. No, come to think of it, it was a tree. Let's see, maybe it was a rock after all, although I could swear it was a tree. Oh, what's the difference? Let it go, let it go.

  • Narrator: By the way, amigo, did you know that some birds are skilled craftsmen?

    Donald Duck: Uh-uh, is that so?

    Narrator: [during footage of a Marrequito building a nest, by piling up sticks and twigs on top of each other] Yes, quite a builder is the little Marrequito.

    [the Aracuan bird watches]

    Narrator: His nest may look haphazard in design, ah, but every single stick and straw...

    [the Aracuan gives the Marrequito one last twig]

    Narrator: ... is scientifically placed to withstand the stress and strain of...

    [the Marrequito places this twig on the pile, but the nest then collapses]

    Narrator: ... well, almost anything.

  • [the little gauchito and Burrito are in a race together; the other gauchos on their horses take off, leaving them both in the dust; they look around]

    Narrator: We were off with the speed of a bullet! We flew down the track like the wind! Every gaucho was, uh... And meanwhile, Burrito and I were, uh, uh, jockeying for position. Psst. Gauchito! They went that way.

    [they look left]

    Narrator: That way!

    [they move along slowly; all the spectators laugh]

    Narrator: No wonder they laughed. I didn't even look like a jockey. Hey! Gauchito!

    [the gauchito and Burrito look at the camera]

    Narrator: Come on, look like a jockey!

    [they try to race as jockeys]

  • Narrator: And analogous to being a half-man/half-woman, Antarctica used to be populated by thick bushes, until millions of years ago when it slowly drifted to the south-most point of the Earth, where all hell froze over. America used to be populated by thick bushes, too, until they started bikini waxes and Brazilian cuts... Mmm-mmm, I miss big bushes!

  • Narrator: Antarctica is one-and-a-half times the size of the United States, a claim once made in the 1960s by Cuba. But this isn't the story about a country who's just waiting for their next dictator to die. This is the story about the amazing creatures who for millions of years have lived here, in Mother Earth's frigid, white anus. This is a story about survival. It is a story about determination, but mainly it is a story about love, penguin love. This is the farce of the penguins!

  • Narrator: The 1970's - Jump Back, baby!

  • Narrator: Yes, the horse, the servant of mankind, the aristocrat of the animal kingdom. Noble, faithful, obedient, and kind, most magnificent of all dumb animals

    Horse: Dumb?

  • Narrator: [Goofy has fallen off his horse] When you've fallen from a horse, lie quietly. Remember, a horse will never step on a fallen rider.

    [the horse jumps on Goofy's back]

  • Narrator: No truer has ever been uttered than those of Confucius, or some other philosopher, who said, "The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man."

  • Narrator: Peter, don't just stand that way!

    [the wolf leans Peter downward]

    Narrator: And don't stand that way either.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [Willie impaled by a harpoon by Prof. Tetti-Tatti] Now Willie will never sing at the met. But don't be too harsh on Tetti-Tatti; he just didn't understand. You see, Willie's singing was a miracle, and people aren't used to miracles.

    [to Willie's seagull friend who mourns the whale's loss]

    Narrator: And you, faithful little friend, don't be too sad, because miracles never really die. And somewhere in wherever heaven is reserved for creatures of the deep, Willie is still singing, in a hundred voices, each more golden than before, and he'll go on singing in a voice so cheery forever.

  • Narrator: When we are young, we don't know a lot of things. But the small amount of knowledge we do possess makes us happy. Knowing our home, our friends, how to get places, and maybe how to get back. The world is a strange new place; a great puzzle. Sights, sounds, and smells are it's pieces. We see things we know nothing about; things that surprise us, and sometimes sadden us. But as we explore and grow, the time comes when we learn; we learn about the world and we grow older.

  • Narrator: Our young friend's name is Chirin. He has more energy than all the other lambs in the pasture put together. He wears a ringing bell around his neck, and although Chirin likes the sound, it is there to help his Mother find him if he gets lost... or fall if he doesn't watch where he is going.

  • Narrator: Chirin couldn't understand what his mother had done to deserve dying at the hands of the Wolf King. What did any of the sheep do for that matter? But the Wolf still came and the sheep still died; helpless at the fangs of their enemy. Nature had been unfair to Chirin... and to his mother.

  • Narrator: Chirin tried to tell the frightened sheep that he had once lived with in the meadow, but no one believed him. The creature they saw before them was not one of their kind. Chirin was neither wolf nor sheep, he was an animal which only caused fear and terror. He wouldn't find a home again with the sheep of his childhood; and without the Wolf, Chirin realized he had no home at all,

  • Narrator: [final lines] The Snow feel for days without letting up, covering the ground with a smooth white blanket. Whatever happened on that mountain, whatever happened in that meadow, was covered up without a trace to remind those who had witnessed it. And later, some claimed to remember Chirin as a lamb, others said he was a spirit from the mountain. But they were too wrapped up with their own lives to worry about it for long. And one night during a terrible blizzard, the gentle sound of a bell was heard. But the sheep in the meadow never saw Chirin again.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Once upon a time... wait a minute! This isn't just another once upon a time story. This story doesn't follow the book at all. It all began in a kingdom a long time ago in the middle ages. By decree of the good king, the kingdom was having a great celebration.

  • Narrator: Summer was just around the corner. The boys were no longer children, but even though they spoke of high-sounding things they weren't adults yet. Unable to hold back their burning spirits, completely exposing their feelings to all... a boy's love. Appearing to act of their own desire, yet not knowing exactly what that desire was, the boys stretched out with souls that were unfulfilled. They lived the most splendid time of their life, They probably never imagined that the summer day would end, that a boy would have to become an adult...

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Once upon a time, there was...

    Children: A king!

    Narrator: That's what I thought you'd say. No, children, not a king. Once upon a time, there was a piece of wood. It wasn't any special wood, but a simple piece of firewood. The kind that in winter, you put in the stove to light the fire and heat the room. After many adventures that I won't relate to you, this piece of wood fell into the hands of an old woodcarver named Geppetto, who wanted to make a marvelous puppet out of it. A puppet who would know how to dance, wield a sword and do somersaults. With this puppet, Geppetto planned to tour the world to earn a morsel of bread and a glass of wine. So one day, in his humble little room, Master Geppetto began to carve out this puppet.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: I shall tell you of William Wallace. Historians from England will say I am a liar, but history is written by those who have hanged heroes. The king of Scotland had died without a son, and the king of England, a cruel pagan known as Edward the Longshanks, claimed the throne of Scotland for himself. Scotland's nobles fought him, and fought each other, over the crown. So Longshanks invited them to talks of truce - no weapons, one page only. Among the farmers of that shire was Malcolm Wallace, a commoner with his own lands; he had two sons, John and William.

    Malcolm Wallace: I told ye to stay.

    Young William: Well, I finished my work. Where're we goin'?

    Malcolm Wallace: McAndrews'. He was supposed to visit when the gatherin' was over.

    Young William: Can I come?

    Malcolm Wallace: No! Go home, boy.

    Young William: But I want to go.

    Malcolm Wallace: Go home, William, or you'll feel the back o' my hand.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: He was ashamed of his persiflage, his boasting, his pretensions of courage and ruthlessness; he was sorry about his cold-bloodedness, his dispassion, his inability to express what he now believed was the case- that he truly regretted killing Jesse, that he missed the man as much as anybody and wished his murder hadn't been necessary. Even as he circulated his saloon he knew that the smiles disappeared when he passed by. He received so many menacing letters that he could read them without any reaction except curiosity. He kept to his apartment all day, flipping over playing cards, looking at his destiny in every King and Jack. Edward O'Kelly came up from Bachelor at one P.M. on the 8th. He had no grand scheme. No strategy. No agreement with higher authorities. Nothing but a vague longing for glory, and a generalized wish for revenge against Robert Ford. Edward O'Kelly would be ordered to serve a life sentence in the Colorado Penitentiary for second degree murder. Over seven thousand signatures would eventually be gathered in a petition asking for O'Kelly's release, and in 1902, Governor James B. Ullman would pardon the man. There would be no eulogies for Bob, no photographs of his body would be sold in sundries stores, no people would crowd the streets in the rain to see his funeral cortege, no biographies would be written about him, no children named after him, no one would ever pay twenty-five cents to stand in the rooms he grew up in. The shotgun would ignite, and Ella Mae would scream, but Robert Ford would only lay on the floor and look at the ceiling, the light going out of his eyes before he could find the right words.

  • Narrator: By his own approximation, Bob assassinated Jesse James over 800 times. He suspected no one in history had ever so often or so publicly recapitulated an act of betrayal.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: He was growing into middle age, and was living then in a bungalow on Woodland Avenue. He installed himself in a rocking chair and smoked a cigar down in the evenings as his wife wiped her pink hands on an apron and reported happily on their two children. His children knew his legs, the sting of his mustache against their cheeks. They didn't know how their father made his living, or why they so often moved. They didn't even know their father's name. He was listed in the city directory as Thomas Howard. And he went everywhere unrecognized and lunched with Kansas City shopkeepers and merchants, calling himself a cattleman or a commodities investor, someone rich and leisured who had the common touch. He had two incompletely healed bullet holes in his chest and another in his thigh. He was missing the nub of his left middle finger and was cautious, lest that mutilation be seen. He also had a condition that was referred to as "granulated eyelids" and it caused him to blink more than usual as if he found creation slightly more than he could accept. Rooms seemed hotter when he was in them. Rains fell straighter. Clocks slowed. Sounds were amplified. He considered himself a Southern loyalist and guerrilla in a Civil War that never ended. He regretted neither his robberies, nor the seventeen murders that he laid claim to. He had seen another summer under in Kansas City, Missouri and on September 5th in the year 1881, he was thirty-four-years-old.

  • Narrator: And so it went, Jesse was increasingly cavalier. Merry, moody, fey, unpredictable. He camouflaged his depressions and derangements with masquerades of extreme cordiality, courtesy, and goodwill towards others. But Even as he jested or tickled his boy in the ribs, Jesse would look over at Bob with melancholy eyes as if the two were meshed in an intimate communication. Bob was certain that the man had unriddled him; had seen through his reasons for coming along; that Jesse could forecast each of Bob's possible moves and inclinations and was only acting the innocent in order to lull Bob into a stupid tranquility and miscalculation.

  • Narrator: He was ashamed of his boasting, his pretensions of courage and ruthlessness. He was sorry about his cold-bloodedness, his dispassion, his inability to express what he now believed was the case: That he truly regretted killing Jesse, that he missed the man as much as anybody, and wished his murder hadn't been necessary.

  • Narrator: The day before he died was Palm Sunday. And Mr. and Mrs. Howard, their two children and their cousin Charles Johnson strolled to the second Presbyterian Church to attend the 10:00 service. Bob remained at the cottage and slyly migrated from room to room. He walked into the Master bedroom and inventoried the clothes on the hangers and hooks. He sipped from the water glass on the vanity. He smelled the talcum and lilacs on Jesse's pillowcase. His fingers skittered over his ribs to construe the scars where Jesse was twice shot. He manufactured a middle finger that was missing the top two knuckles. He imagined himself at 34. He imagined himself in a coffin. He considered possibilities and everything wonderful that could come true.

  • Narrator: Bob always challenged the allegations of cowardice, but Charley seemed to agree with them. He spoke of Mrs. Zee James as certain priests might the Madonna, and composed long soul-describing letters to her, begging her forgiveness; none of which he mailed.

    [Charley shoots himself in the heart]

    Narrator: Charley Ford became all that his countrymen wanted an assassin of Jesse James to be.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: There he lies. God rest his soul, and his rudeness. A devouring public can now share the remains of his sickness, and his phone numbers. There he lay: poet, prophet, outlaw, fake, star of electricity. Nailed by a peeping tom, who would soon discover...

    Jude: A poem is like a naked person...

    Narrator: even the ghost was more than one person.

    Arthur: ...but a song is something that walks by itself.

  • [Last lines. Following Cleopatra's suicide]

    Agrippa: Was this well done of your lady?

    High Priestess: Extremely well. As befitting the last of so many noble rulers.

    Narrator: [Repeating the previous lines] And the Roman asked, "Was this well done of your lady?" And the servant answered, "Extremely well. As befitting the last of so many noble rulers."

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Years after the war, after the marriages, the children, the divorces, the books, he had come to Paris with his wife. He had phoned her. He was intimidated; his voice trembled, and with the trembling it had found the accent of China again. He knew she'd begun writing books. He had also heard about the younger brother's death. He had been sad for her. And then he had no more to tell her. And then he told her - he had told her that it was as before, that he still loved her, that he would never stop loving her, that he would love her until his death.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Very early in my life, it was too late. At eighteen it was already too late. At eighteen I aged. This aging was brutal. This aging, I saw it spread over my features, one by one. Instead of being frightened by it, I saw this aging of my face with the same sort of interest I might have taken for example in the reading of a book. That new face I kept it. It's kept the same contours, but its matter is destroyed. I have a destroyed face. Let me tell you again: I'm fifteen and a half. It's the crossing of a ferry on the Mekong.

  • Narrator: "Now and then I go back to the house in Sadek. To the horror of the house in Sadek. It's an unbearable place. It's close to death. A place of violence of pain of despair, of dishonour... But it's in this family's dryness in it's incredible harshness that I am the most deeply assured in myself. In the deepest of my essential certainties, all common history of ruin and shame, of love and hate is in my flesh."

  • Narrator: Dusk one evening on board ship, crossing the Indian Ocean under the luminous sky. Suddenly the sound of a Chopin waltz came bursting out from the main lounge. I had tried to play it for months without success. That's why I gave up the piano. There wasn't a breath of wind and the music pervaded the whole ship. I stood up as if to go and throw myself into the sea. Then I did weep because I had thought of my Chinese lover, and I was suddenly not sure that I hadn't been in love with him after all, with a love I hadn't been able to see because it had become lost in the tide of events, like water seeping through sand. Thanks to that music, spreading over the sea and filling the calmest night I have ever known, I could see my love for him for the first time.

  • Narrator: She's lived for 400 years and hardly aged a day; but, because this is England, everyone pretends not to notice.

  • [last lines]

    Sir Thomas More: [talking to the witnesses for his execution] I am commanded by the King to be brief, and since I am the King's obedient subject, brief I will be. I die his Majesty's good servant but God's first.

    [to the executioner]

    Sir Thomas More: I forgive you right readily.

    [he gives him a coin]

    Sir Thomas More: Be not afraid of your office; you send me to God.

    Archbishop Cranmer: You're very sure of that, Sir Thomas?

    Sir Thomas More: He will not refuse one who is so blithe to go to him.

    [he kneels and puts his head on the chopping block]

    Narrator: Thomas More's head was stuck on Traitors' Gate for a month, then his daughter, Margaret, removed it and kept it till her death. Cromwell was beheaded for high treason five years after More. The archbishop was burned at the stake. The Duke of Norfolk should have been executed for high treason, but the king died of syphilis the night before. Richard Rich became chancellor of England and died in his bed.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the beginning was the word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. I am He. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him, was made nothing that has been made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of man. And the light shines on in the darkness, and the darkness grasped it not. The greatest story ever told...

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And when the tomb was found empty, some days passed, and Christ was seen at Emmaus, and in Jerusalem, and those who saw Him knew He was the Lord God. And then a final time He came among His disciples by the shore of Galilee...

    Jesus: [offscreen] Do you know and love Me? Feed My sheep, for My sheep are in all the nations. Go you into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature who hungers. I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.

    [We see the shadow of Jesus coming nearer toward the ocean, and then he spreads His arms and his cloak also begins to spread out, as if He were ascending to Heaven. The disciples leave; Peter is the last to go]

  • Narrator: Caesar could find no Jew to press Rome's laws on this fallen land. So, Caesar named one Herod the Great, an Arab of the Bedouin tribe as the new false and maleficent King of the Jews.

  • Narrator: From the dusts at Herod's feet, rebellions of Jews rose up. And Herod, in reply, planted evil seeds from which forests of Roman crosses grew high on Jerusalem's hills.

  • Narrator: Trapped in this darkness, the Jews survived, by one promise: God would send a Messiah to deliver them forth.

  • Narrator: Herod the Great, crushed by his many murders, self-crucified, fell dead. And Herod Antipas took murder for his crown.

  • Narrator: For Jesus saw his own disciples doubt him. Awed by his miracles, faithful to him; yet, still they wondered why the Messiah could not raise up miraculous armies to strike Judea free. Could simple love and brotherhood be weapons against Rome?

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: During that last short ride, what may Rommel's thoughts have been? Were they bitter, that he had learned too slowly and struck too late? Or did they go back to the desert, where his military genuis had first electrified the world? First at Mechili, then Tobruk, yes and even El Alamein. In any case, his life and fate may have been summed up, ironically enough, in the words of Nazi Germany's sternest enemy, the Honorable Winston Churchill.

    Churchill: His ardor, and daring, inflicted grievous disasters upon us. But he deserves the salute, which I made him, in the House of Commons, in January, 1942. He also deserves our respect, because, although a loyal German soldier, he came to hate Hitler, and all his works, and took part in the conspiracy to rescue Germany, by displacing the maniac and tyrant. For this, he paid the forfeit of his life. In the somber wars of modern democracy, there is little place for chivalry.

  • Narrator: This is the Appian Way, the most famous road that leads to Rome, as all roads lead to Rome. On this road march her conquering legions. Imperial Rome is the center of the empire, the undisputed master of the world. But with this power inevitably comes corruption. No man is sure of his life, the individual is at the mercy of the state, murder replaces justice. Rulers of conquered nations surrender their helpless subjects to bondage. High and low alike become Roman slaves, Roman hostages. There is no escape from the whip and the sword. That any force on earth can shake the foundations of this pyramid of power and corruption, of human misery and slavery, seems inconceivable. But thirty years before this day, a miracle occurred. On a Roman cross in Judea, a Man died to make men free, to spread the Gospel of love and redemption. Soon that humble cross is destined to replace the proud eagles atop the victorious Roman standards. This is the story of that immortal conflict. In this, the summer of the year 64 A.D., in the reign of the antichrist known to history as the emperor Nero, the victorious Fourteenth Legion is on its way back to Rome under the command of one Marcus Vinicius.

  • Narrator: [opening narration] Today the glory of ancient Egypt is ruins and dust. And the greatest of the earth's early civilizations a thing of darkness and mystery. These mighty monuments tell of a people who were rulers of the world. Who created a civilization never surpassed for beauty and splendour. But the Egyptians were not only builders of monuments. They were human beings no different than ourselves. This is the story of a man who dwelt in the ancient land of the Nile thirty-three centuries ago.

  • Narrator: When you're really really poor, everything you see is something you can't have.

  • Narrator: Mama traded our tires for some furniture. Mr. Moon wanted the name of the guy who bought them. Said he wanted proof that he wasn't the only fool in town.

  • Narrator: I place a delphinium, Blue, upon your grave.

  • Narrator: Graham committed suicide. How did he do it? It seemed incidental. What did it matter if he swigged prussic acid or shot himself in the eye? Maybe he dived from the cloud-lapped skyscrapers.

  • Narrator: The Council replied they were not concerned

    [about HIV awareness]

    Narrator: since "there are no queers in the district. Although you might try District X, they have a theatre".

  • Narrator: My heart's memory goes to you. David, Howard, Graham, Terry, Paul...

  • Narrator: All this talk of purebloods and blue bloods and I sit here and you sit there. Overnight a plane crashed into a mountain and 500 were fried alive in their sleep.

  • Narrator: [eye scan] I say to him "this looks like a planet". He says "Oh, I think it looks like a pizza!"

  • Narrator: From the bottom of your heart, pray to be released from Image.

  • Narrator: I have walked behind the sky.

    Narrator: For what are you seeking?

    Narrator: The fathomless blue of bliss.

  • Narrator: The virus rages fierce.

  • Narrator: I step into a blue funk.

  • Narrator: Since ancient times there have been three great changes in man's idea of himself. Three major blows dealt us in our vanity. Before Copernicus, we thought we were the centre of the universe, that all the heavenly bodies revolved around our Earth. But the great astronomer shattered that conceit and we were forced to admit our planet is but one of many which swing around the sun, that there are other systems beyond our solar system in myriad worlds. Before Charles Darwin man believed he was a species unto himself separate and apart from the animal kingdom. But the great biologist made us see that our physical organism is the product of a vast evolutionary process whose laws are no different from us than for any other form of animal life. Before Sigmund Freud, man believed that what he said and did were the products of his conscious will alone. But the great psychologist demonstrate the existence of another part of our mind, which functions in darkest secrecy and can even rule our lives. This is the story of Freud's descent into a region almost as black as hell itself: Man's unconscious, and how he let in the light.

  • Narrator: Do you know where you are?

    Mohammed Ali Jinnah: I believe I have some idea.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On the first day of December, in 1832, a man rode up to a muddy stream called the Red River. When he crossed this river, he was in Texas. He was a man in search of a new life, because his previous one had left him desolated and sick at heart. He was a man of size and strength and he had history in his hands. His name was Sam Houston.

  • Narrator: As a matter of precise fact, Mr John Keats at the age of 20 was five feet one and fraction; stocky and quick with reddish brown hair and something about him which made men, and women, forget what height he actually was. There was something else about Keats at age 20 - more had happened to him for good or bad, usually bad, than most men looked for in a lifetime.

  • Narrator: Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

    [Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves]

    Narrator: Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.

    [Harry and Zinnia are leaving the hospital with the baby]

    Harry Wormwood: What a waste of time!

    Zinnia Wormwood: And painful!

    Harry Wormwood: And expensive, $9.25 for a bar of soap?

    Zinnia Wormwood: Well I had to take a shower, Harry!

    Harry Wormwood: $5,000? I'm not paying it. What're they going to do, repossess the kid?

  • [after listing prices of cars bought and sold]

    Harry Wormwood: What was my profit for the day?

    Mikey: Could you repeat the last one?

    Matilda: [interrupting] $10,265.

    [long pause]

    Matilda: Check it if you don't believe me.

    Harry Wormwood: [he, Zinnia, and Mikey glance at the paper, then at Matilda] You're a little cheat, you saw the paper.

    Matilda: From all the way over here?

    Harry Wormwood: [suspicious] Are you being smart with me? If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're going to be punished.

    Matilda: Punished for being smart?

    Harry Wormwood: For being a smart aleck! When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson!

    Matilda: Person?

    Harry Wormwood: Get up, get up...

    Narrator: Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use. He had meant to say, "When a child is bad." Instead he said, "When a person is bad", and thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserved it, of course.

  • Narrator: Dirty dealings, like buying stolen car parts, never stay secret for long, especially when the FBI gets involved.

    FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17, suspect exits domicile.

    FBI Agent Bill: I've got 9:18.

    FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17 is correct.

  • Narrator: I'm gonna tell you this one from my point of view so you can put yourself in there.

    Narrator: So the story goes:The guy falls in love with a girl the second he meets her, but it takes them a lifetime to get it together.

    Narrator: When they do they end up on a boat, and they realise the only way they can stay together is to never go ashore.

    Narrator: So they raise the yellow colour flag so no port would take them and they drift out to sea 'til the end.

    Narrator: And it makes you realize there are people in your life so important that they dwarf everything else.

    Narrator: It's up to you to figure out who they are.If you have to give up everything else and spend the rest of your days on a boat, who are the must haves, the ones you can't live without?

    Narrator: Figure out your own list and then do everything you can to let them know how much they mean to you.

  • Narrator: Love is fucked up. It is confusing and it's terrifying and it's painful. It sucks. But I'm looking at you right now and I wanna risk it. I know it could be a mistake, I know we can make each other miserable but even if we had the slightest chance of being that one time, I'm willing to regret you for the rest of my life.

  • Samson: There's a reason Romeo killed himself, okay? Suicide was the best option for this guy.

    Mallory: Why?

    Scott: What?

    Lyle: No, no. Romeo set the standard for love.

    Samson: No, Shakespeare didn't know anything about love. The guy was a sexual deviant, okay? He couldn't keep his hands off himself. That's why his name was Shakespeare

    Narrator: It's true. Hardy, Dickens, Longfellow, all sex starved pen names.

    Samson: E. Cummings

    Scott: Updike

    Mallory: Margaret *Atewood*

    Samson: Dean *Cunts*

    Lyle: [Correcting their pronunciation] Atwood and Koontz.

    Scott: Balzac.

  • Narrator: Ancient Rome. Twelve years into the rule of Tiberius, ruler maximus. Rome's legions are masters of the world, the stomp of its sandals heard from the Iberian peninsula in the west through the halls of the great library of Alexandria in the east. As oppressed people everywhere writhe under the Roman lash, freeman and vassal are united in one compulsory worship. The emperor, Caesar, is Godhead, lord of every man's body and spirit. For those who will not submit, the galleys, the arenas, even crucifixion await. But there is a new wind, blowing from the east, from the dusty streets of Bethlehem, that will soon challenge the vast house of Caesar, that edifice wrought of brick and blood which now seems so secure!

  • Narrator: The Whos young and old would sit down to a feast, and they'll feast, and they'll feast.

    The Grinch: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast. They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But that's something I just cannot stand in the least. Oh, no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME!

  • The Grinch: It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags.

    Narrator: The the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

    The Grinch: Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas...

    Narrator: He thought

    The Grinch: ...means a little bit more.

  • Narrator: So whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos.

    The Grinch: [opens phone book] Alphabetically!

    [looks into book]

    The Grinch: Aadvarkian Abakeneezer Who, I...


    The Grinch: HATE YOU!

    [looks into book again]

    The Grinch: Aaron B. Benson Who, I hate *you*.

    [looking into book]

    The Grinch: Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Inside a snowflake like the one on your sleeve, there happened a story you must see to believe.

  • Narrator: ...He slunk to the fridge...

    [the Grinch tackles the refrigerator]

    The Grinch: SLUNK!

  • Narrator: And the more the Grinch thought of what Christmas would bring, the more the Grinch thought...

    The Grinch: I must stop this whole thing!

    The Grinch: Why, for year after year I've put up with it now. I must stop this Christmas from coming... but how? I MEAN... in what way?

  • Narrator: If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now.

  • Narrator: This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met "the one." This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total misreading of the movie 'The Graduate.' The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.

  • Narrator: Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life.

  • Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything.

    Summer: I've never told anybody that before.

    Tom: I guess I'm not just anybody.

  • Narrator: Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday.

  • Narrator: For Tom Hansen, this was the night where everything changed. That wall Summer so often hid behind - the wall of distance, of space, of casual - that wall was slowly coming down. For here was Tom, in her world... a place few had been invited to see with their own eyes. And here was Summer, wanting him there. Him, no one else.

  • Narrator: Tom walked to her apartment, intoxicated by the promise of the evening. He believed that this time his expectations would align with reality...

  • Narrator: There's only two kinds of people in the world. There's women, and there's men. Summer Finn was a woman. Height, average. Weight, average. Shoe size, slightly above average. For all intents and purposes, Summer Finn was just another girl. Except she wasn't.

  • Narrator: In 1998, Summer quoted a song by the Scottish band, Belle and Sebastian, in her high school yearbook. "Color my life with the chaos of trouble."

  • Narrator: Summer's employment at the Daily Freeze during her sophomore year coincides with an inexplicable 212% increase in revenue. Every apartment Summer rented was offered at an average rate of 9.2% below market value. And her round-trip commute to work averaged 18.4 double-takes per day. It was a rare quality, this "Summer effect." Rare, and yet something every post-adolescent male has encountered at least once in their lives. For Tom Hansen to find it now in a city of 400,000 offices, 91,100 buildings and 3.8 million people... Well, that could only be explained by one thing... Fate.

  • Narrator: Michael Squints Palledorous walked a little taller that day. And we had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't beat the *crap* out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low... and cool. Not another one among us would have ever in a million years even for a million dollars have the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman. And he had kissed her long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right over at Squints, and smiled.

  • Narrator: [at the end, telling what became of his friends] Bertram?... Bertram got really into the 60s, and no one ever saw him again.

  • [repeated line]

    Narrator: And he/we did the dumbest thing anyone of us could ever have imagined.

  • Narrator: Amelie has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment. A soft light, a scent in the air, the quiet murmur of the city. A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On September 3rd 1973, at 6:28pm and 32 seconds, a bluebottle fly capable of 14,670 wing beats a minute landed on Rue St Vincent, Montmartre. At the same moment, on a restaurant terrace nearby, the wind magically made two glasses dance unseen on a tablecloth. Meanwhile, in a 5th-floor flat, 28 Avenue Trudaine, Paris 9, returning from his best friend's funeral, Eugène Colère erased his name from his address book. At the same moment, a sperm with one X chromosome, belonging to Raphaël Poulain, made a dash for an egg in his wife Amandine. Nine months later, Amélie Poulain was born.

  • Narrator: Amélie still seeks solitude. She amuses herself with silly questions about the world below, such as "How many people are having an orgasm right now?"

    [scenes of various orgasms taking place]

    Amélie: Fifteen.

  • Narrator: Nino is late. Amelie can only see two explanations. 1 - he didn't get the photo. 2 - before he could assemble it, a gang of bank robbers took him hostage. The cops gave chase. They got away... but he caused a crash. When he came to, he'd lost his memory. An ex-con picked him up, mistook him for a fugitive, and shipped him to Istanbul. There he met some Afghan raiders who too him to steal some Russian warheads. But their truck hit a mine in Tajikistan. He survived, took to the hills, and became a Mujaheddin. Amelie refuses to get upset for a guy who'll eat borscht all his life in a hat like a tea cozy.

  • Narrator: [Amélie has found Nino's photo album and his "lost" posters] Any normal girl would call the number, meet him, return the album and see if her dream is viable. It's called a reality check. The last thing Amélie wants.

  • Narrator: Amelie has one friend, Blubber. Alas the home environment has made Blubber suicidal.

    [Pet fish leaps out of fish bowl in an attempt at suicide]

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: September 28th, 1997. It is exactly 11am. At the funfair, near the ghost train, the marshmallow twister is twisting. Meanwhile, on a bench in Villette Square, Félix Lerbier learns there are more links in his brain than atoms in the universe. Meanwhile, at the Sacré Coeur, the nuns are practising their backhand. The temperature is 24°C, humidity 70%, atmospheric pressure 990 millibars.

  • Narrator: Philoméne likes the sound of the cat's bowl on the tiles. The cat likes overhearing children's stories.

  • Narrator: With a prompter in every cellar window whispering comebacks, shy people would have the last laugh.

  • Narrator: For Bretodeau, that little box brought back a lot of memories - Federico Bahamontes winning the '59 Tour de France, and of course, the tragic day when he won all the marbles at playtime

    The Teacher: [Bretodeau tries to put all his marbles away before the Teacher sees him] Bretodeau!

    [approaches him and gets his ear]

    The Teacher: You know the pinch, Bretodeau!

  • Narrator: They're not trying to take over your world, they're just trying to find a little place in your hearts. Remember, machines: they're full of kids.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: For more than a year, ominous rumors had been privately circulating among high-level Western leaders that the Soviet Union had been at work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon: a doomsday device. Intelligence sources traced the site of the top secret Russian project to the perpetually fog-shrouded wasteland below the Arctic peaks of the Zhokhov Islands. What they were building or why it should be located in such a remote and desolate place no one could say.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Some people are born into the wrong time and place. This was the American frontier in 1882, a hard land for hard folk. Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival. Hell, this was Miss America in 1880.

    [picture of a leathery middle-aged woman]

    Narrator: Holy shit. To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron. The men who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered. But some men were just big giant pussies.

    [Stark comes running around the corner and falls and his face]

  • Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

  • Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

  • [last lines, as Ted and Sam Jones do a "flash jump" after John and Lori's wedding]

    Narrator: And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.

    [footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn on their double date with John and Lori]

    Narrator: Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami- Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager.

    [footage of Sam Jones walking toward John at Ted's party]

    Narrator: Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh.

    [photo of Brandon Routh]

    Narrator: Remember Brandon Routh from that godawful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ. Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.

    [footage of Rex at the office]

    Narrator: Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not long after he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

    [footage of Donny dancing in his living room]

    Narrator: Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.

    [footage of Robert in his bedroom]

    Narrator: Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.

    [photo of Taylor Lautner]

  • Narrator: Malcolm, Jib and Diggy used to be in the school marching band, but quit in protest after refusing to play the Harlem Shake.

  • Narrator: Malcolm lives in Inglewood, California, in the Darby-Dixon neighborhood referred to as the Bottoms.

    Jib: Give me your bike!

    Narrator: Malcolm's friends Jib and Diggy are also geeks.

    Jib: All I wanna do is a zoom, zoom, zoom and a boom boom.

    Malcolm: Word.

  • Narrator: William Ian Sherwood the third, musician, scholar, rake, entrepreneur, conspiracy theorist. Malcolm, Jib and Diggy met William at band camp three years ago...

    Will Sherwood: Yo, you niggas need some weed? I got you. Good shit, fair prices...

    Narrator: William assured them that he used the word nigga only as a term of endearment as explained by Q-Tip in the classic song "Sucka Nigga." After that, they all hit it off, though, he never used that word again.

  • Narrator: Hello. Unfortunately, we must start the story with an empty chair. If it wasn't empty, however, we wouldn't have a story. But, it is, and we do, so we must tell it.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On the twenty-third day of the month of September, in an early year of a decade not too long before our own, the human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence. And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do, in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places...

  • [Royal's fake terminal illness has been exposed and he is being thrown out of the house]

    Royal: Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.

    Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

  • Young Chas Tenenbaum: [about Margot's play] Well, what'd you think, Dad?

    Royal: Didn't seem believable to me.

    [to Eli]

    Royal: Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?

    Young Richie Tenenbaum: He has permission to sleep over.

    Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?

    Royal: What characters? This is a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.

    Young Margot Tenenbaum: Good night, everyone.

    Royal: Well, sweetie, don't be mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.

    [Margot gets up and gathers her presents just as Ethel comes in with the birthday cake and everyone starts singing Happy Birthday, which trails off as she leaves the room. Ethel glares at Royal]

    Narrator: He had not been invited to any of their parties since.

  • Narrator: All memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums had been erased by two decades of betrayal, failure and disaster.

  • [last lines]

    [the family is gathered at the cemetery]

    Narrator: Among the few possessions he left to his heirs was a set of Encyclopedia Britannica in storage at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel under the names Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum. No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory.

    [Chas, now wearing a blac Adidas tracksuit, nods to his sons]

    Ari: Fire!

    [Ari and Uzi, also in black Adidas tracksuits, fire their air rifles into the air]

    Ari: Fire!

    [they fire again]

  • Narrator: Margot Tenenbaum was adopted at age 2. Her father had always noted this when introducing her.

    Royal: [at a dinner party] This is my adopted daughter, Margot Tenenbaum.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Royal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his 35th year. Over the next decade, he and his wife had three children, and then they separated.

  • [During a war game with BB guns]

    Royal: [on top of a roof, aiming at Chas] Hold it Chassie. Hold it right there.

    Young Chas Tenenbaum: What are you doing? You're on my team!

    Royal: Ha-ha! There are no teams!

    [he shoots at Chas, hitting his hand. Chas screams in pain and shoots back at him. Royal laughs as he ducks out of the way]

    Narrator: The BB was still lodged between two knuckles in Chas's left hand.

  • Narrator: Seven James Bonds at Casino Royale. They came to save the world and win a gal at Casino Royale. Six of them went to a heavenly spot. The seventh one is going to a place where it's terribly hot.

  • Charlie Baileygates: Irene?

    Irene P. Waters: Hmm?

    Charlie Baileygates: Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?

    Narrator: Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.

  • Narrator: It's funny how a man reacts when his heart has been broken. Some men break down and cry like a baby. And some others take an uzi and climb a clock tower.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: It is not often that someone comes along who's a true friend *and* a good writer. Charlotte was both.

  • Narrator: And in an ordinary barn, an ordinary pig, a runt no less, stood surrounded by friends, welcoming his second spring. And that spring was followed by many, many more. All because someone stopped to see the grace, and beauty, and nobility, of the humblest creature. That is the miracle of friendship.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: I've been overwhelmed by your encouragement to apply to your university and your list of scholarships available to me. Though, as I hope this essay shows, your acceptance, while it would thrill me, will not define me. My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter. Thank you, Cristina Moreno

  • Narrator: When people exist under one roof, a tiny society forms - the stuff of novellas: masters and servants, unconsciously dancing in lockstep. So that when things go wrong, problems converge.

  • [first lines]

    Boy's Voice: [voiceover to scene of people reviewing applications] To Dean of Admission, Princeton University. The most influential person in my life...

    Girl's Voice: Mother Teresa, whose example helped me overcome the arrogance which threatened after my 1600 SAT score in National Merit Scholarship

    Girl's Voice #2: ...most influential person taught me the most important word I've ever learned; Aloha, which I...

    Narrator: To the Dean of Admission, Princeton University, from Cristina Moreno. Most influential person, my Mother, No Contest!

  • Narrator: First you need to know something about them. The beautiful ones. The flawless four. Everyone wanted to be them. You know 'em they went to your school too. They totally ruled. The one in the green that's Courtney she was the leader she was like Satan in heels. The blonde Marcie Fox a legend in her own little mind, known to herself as 'foxy'. Oh, the leggy one with the pig tails in Julie, doomed to be popular because of that face and because she was best friends with the one in the pink. That's Liz Purr. She was special. Everybody loved Liz not just because she was beautiful and popular, and rich and smart she was all of those things but more than anything she was sweet. Courtney ruled with terror Liz ruled with kindness, she was like the Princess Di of Reagan High and that pissed Courtney off. Liz Purr was well, she was perfect. I used to dream about what it would be like to be her, Elizabeth Purr. Its a shame about what happened to Liz. That was no way to wake up on your seventeenth birthday.

  • Narrator: Legend has it it was written by the dark ones. Necronomicon Ex Mortis. Roughly translated - Book of the dead. The book served as a passageway to the evil worlds beyond. It was written long ago, when the seas ran red of blood. It was this blood that was used to ink the book. In the year 1300 AD, the book dissapeared.

  • Narrator: Here we are seeing it, ladies and gentleman, the very face of love. Look upon the miracle it reveals. And this boy, on the night under the moon so full, and yet he weeps for himself, and for us, and for the moonlight too, the boy does weep. Behold the beloved, hers is the name in the song which echoes in the space of his heart. Love is passion, love is mystery, love is pain. Above all things else, love is pain. It's the same old story of love and the promise it holds, of life and of living it in love, and perhaps a little bit of death. Yes, just a splash of death. To the beginning now, ladies and gentleman, where it all will end. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the boy did die today. But let us not weep for him. Let us take comfort, knowing that in his final hours, he came more alive than he had in all the days of his life entire. For the boy chose love, in defiance of fear and the hazards of this world, he chose love. Fortunately, a funny thing happened, something wonderous, something magical. Love chose him back.

  • Narrator: And so, love triumphed in the end and the invaders were destroyed. For this world, our world is the world of man. We have earned the right to live here and as long as we love, humanity will prevail. Each of our enemies has failed in their quest to defeat us. Each has been undone by their own nefarious plans. Among all worlds, across all galaxies, we stand above, we stand alone. None can threaten our existence, none can challenge our spirit. And why? Of all the qualities that make us unique, it is love that is our greatest strength. And because of love, mankind...

    [Narrator gets hit by a bus]

  • [Last lines]

    Narrator: [recites extract from Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot, A Vision of the Human Future in Space] That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was lived out their lives. Every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there on the mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. How frequent their misunderstandings, how fervent their hatreds. Our imagined self-importance, the delusions that we have some privileged position in the Universe are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. Like it or not, for the moment, the earth is where we make our stand.There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits, than this distant image of our tiny world. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.

  • Narrator: Like it or not, for the moment The Earth is where we make our stand.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Fairy tales tell, as their labels imply / Stories of magic, of creatures that fly / With giants and dragons and ogres and elves / And inanimate objects that speak for themselves / There's romance and danger and plotting of schemes / There's good guys and bad guys and some guys in-between / A fairy tale also reveals some sort of truth / The perils of choices we make in our youth./ But our story today is different in theme./ For our hero had no choice or so it would seem./ It starts with a fairy bestowing a spell./ This one's a baby named Ella of Frell.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Now it's back to the real world all of you I must send / For I've only two words left and they are, "The End."

  • Narrator: In spite of the spell, Ella grew up strong of mind./ Her gift made her obedient, but her heart made her kind

  • Narrator: So Ella now knew why she'd always obeyed,/ but she never stopped fighting to have things her way

  • Narrator: If there's one thing to learn it's you just can't go wrong / If you follow your heart, and end with a song.

  • Narrator: So, while her stepfamily scratched newly-found itches / Ella was off, glad to be away from the... witches.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And though every single human in the stands or in the commentary boxes was at a complete loss for words, the man who in his life had uttered fewer words than any of them knew exactly what to say.

    Farmer Hoggett: That'll do, pig. That'll do.

  • Narrator: There are many perfectly nice cats in the world, but every barrel has its bad apples, and it is well to heed the old adage, "Beware the bad cat bearing a grudge."

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is a tale about an unprejudiced heart, and how it changed our valley forever. There was a time not so long ago when pigs were afforded no respect, except by other pigs; they lived their whole lives in a cruel and sunless world. In those days pigs believed that the sooner they grew large and fat, the sooner they'd be taken into Pig Paradise, a place so wonderful that no pig had ever thought to come back.

  • [Babe sees the wild dogs attacking Maa]

    Narrator: Now the pig understood why the sheep called all dogs 'wolves'. And he was filled with a deep and terrible rage.

  • Narrator: [as Fly and Rex's puppies are being sold] The time comes for all creatures when childhood ends and the doorway opens to life as an adult. And so it was with Fly's pups. Though that time was all too soon for Fly.

  • Narrator: Fly decided to speak very slowly, for it was a cold fact of nature that sheep were stupid, and there was nothing that could convince her otherwise.

    Fly: Please, someone tell me... what happened this morning.

    Narrator: The sheep decided to speak very slowly, for it was a cold fact of nature that wolves were ignorant, and there was nothing that could convince them otherwise.

    Sheep: Babe came. He saved us.

  • Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

  • Narrator: Was there no end to the conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

  • Narrator: Downtown Hohman was preparing for this yearly baccanalia of peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

  • Narrator: See: Hitler on Ice!

  • Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: America first fell in love with Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison in the box office smash "Autumn With Greg And Peg". They had the most celebrated marriage in Hollywood. Who could forget how they hit one out of the park in "Requiem for an Outfielder"?

  • Narrator: Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison: America's Sweethearts.

  • Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.

  • Narrator: The Raiders moved from Oakland to LA back to Oakland, no-one seemed to notice.

  • Narrator: Only 600 miles to the south, there's a vast city. And here you find civilized man. Civilized man refused to adapt himself to his environment; instead, he adapted his environment to suit him. So he built cities, roads, vehicles, machinery, and he put up power lines to run his labour-saving devices. But somehow he didn't know where to stop. The more he improved his surroundings to make life easier, the more complicated he made it. So now his children are sentenced to 10-15 years of school, just to learn how to survive in this complex and hazardous habitat they were born into. And civilized man, who refused to adapt to his surroundings, now finds he has to adapt and re-adapt every hour of the day to his self-created environment. For instance, if it's Monday and 7:30 comes up, you have to dis-adapt from your domestic surroundings and re-adapt yourself to an entirely different environment. 8:00 means everybody has to look busy. 10:30 means you can stop looking busy for 15 minutes. And then you have to look busy again. And so your day is chopped into pieces, and in each segment of time you adapt to a new set circumstances. No wonder some people go off the rails a bit...

    [Kate looks for a place to have her lunch]

    Kate Thompson: [to a woman] Is this seat taken?

    [the woman moves over and Kate takes a seat]

    Woman in the lunchroom: Does the noise in my head bother you?

    Kate Thompson: No...

    [Later, Kate finds Pete]

    Kate Thompson: Still got that story about the teacher shortage in Botswana?

    Pete: Yeah, you gonna use it?

    Kate Thompson: No. Maybe they can use me.

    Narrator: But in the Kalahari, it's always Tuesday, or Thursday if you like, or Sunday. No clocks or calendars tell you to do this or that.

  • Narrator: They must be the most contented people in the world. They have no crime, no punishment, no violence, no laws, no police, judges, rulers or bosses. They believe that the gods put only good and useful things on the earth for them to use.

  • [Xi meets Kate Thompson, who is dressing]

    Narrator: That morning, Xi saw the ugliest person he'd ever come across. She was as pale as something that had crawled out of a rotting log. Her hair was quite gruesome; long and stringy and white, as if she was very old. She was very big - you'd have to dig the whole day to find enough food to feed her.

    [Kate sees Xi and hurriedly covers herself]

    Kate Thompson: Go away!

    [Xi watches as Kate finishes dressing and packs her bags]

    Narrator: Although it was a hot day, she was covering her body with skins that looked as if they were made from cobwebs. She was doing strange and magical things, and it struck him that she must be one of the gods. He wondered what she was doing down here on earth. But he was glad he met her, because now he'd give the evil thing back to her and go home to his family. So he said tactfully that he didn't need the thing, and that she could have it back. But she was very rude, and she walked away.

  • Narrator: In this world of theirs, nothing is bad or evil. Even a poisonous snake is not bad. You just have to keep away from the sharp end. Actually, a snake is very good - in fact, it's delicious. And the skin makes a fine pouch.

  • Narrator: The rhino is the self appointed fire prevention officer. When he sees a fire, he rushes in and stamps it out.

  • Narrator: The most inquisitive creature in Africa is the baboon.

    [a baboon swipes the Coke bottle from Xi and is subsequently chased, and climbs a tree]

    Narrator: Xi said, "That is a very evil thing you've got. You better give it back so I can take it and throw it off the earth. It brought unhappiness to my family. If you don't give it to me it'll bring grief to you and your family too." He spoke long and earnestly until the baboon began to pay attention. He must have convinced it, and it dropped the thing. And Xi said, "You have done a very wise thing."

  • Narrator: Their language has an idiosyncrasy of its own. It seems to consist mainly of clicking sounds.

  • Narrator: When the family needs meat, the hunter dips his arrow in a brew that acts as a tranquillizer. When he shoots a buck, it feels a sting and the arrow drops out. The buck runs away, but soon it gets drowsy and it stops running. After a while, it goes to sleep. The hunter apologizes to his prey. He explains that his family needs the meat.

  • Narrator: Xi said, "I will take the thing to the end of the earth, and throw it off." Pabo said "The end of the earth is very far from here; about twenty days' walking, or even forty." Xi said, "I will start walking tomorrow."

    [the children start to cry]

  • Narrator: They're very gentle people. They'll never punish a child or even speak harshly to it. So of course the kids are extremely well-behaved, and their games are cute and inventive.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Xi was beginning to think he would never find the end of the earth. And then one day, suddenly, there it was.

    [Xi arrives at a great cliff, so wide and high that clouds surround its edges. Xi drops the bottle over the edge of the cliff, and returns home to his family]

  • Narrator: Humans avoid the deep Kalahari like the plague because man must have water to live. So the beautiful landscapes are devoid of people, except for... the little people of the Kalahari. Pretty, dainty, small and graceful... the Bushmen. Where any other person would die of thirst in a few days, they live quite contentedly in this desert that doesn't look like a desert. They know where to dig for roots and bugs and tubers, and which berries and pods are good to eat. And of course they know what to do about water. For instance, in the early morning you can collect dewdrops from leaves that were carefully laid out the previous evening. Or a plume of grass can be a reservoir. If you have the know-how, a clump of twigs can tell you where to dig, and you come to light with an enormous tuber. You scrape shavings off it with a stick that is split for a sharp edge. You take a handful of the shavings, point your thumb at your mouth and squeeze.

  • Narrator: The one characteristic which really makes the Bushmen different from all the other races on earth is that they have no sense of ownership at all. Where they live, there's really nothing you CAN own: only trees and grass and animals. In fact, these Bushmen have never seen a stone or a rock in their lives. The hardest things they know are wood and bone. They live in a gentle world, where nothing is as hard as rock, steel or concrete.

  • Narrator: At first, Xi tried the thing out to cure thongs; it had the right shape and just the right weight. It was also beautifully smooth and ideal for curing snakeskin. And Pabo discovered you could make music on it... And every day they discovered a new use for the thing. It was harder and heavier and smoother than anything they'd ever known. It was the most useful thing the gods had ever given them, a real labour-saving device. But the gods had been careless. They had sent only one. And now, for the first time in their lives, here was a thing that could not be shared because there was only one of it. Suddenly, everybody needed it most of the time. A thing they had never needed before became a necessity. And unfamiliar emotions began to stir: a feeling of wanting to own, of not wanting to share. Other new things came: anger, jealousy, hate and violence.

  • Narrator: [Hearing an airliner and looking up to see the jet-stream across the sky] Sometimes they hear a thundering sound when there are no clouds. They assume the gods have eaten too much and their tummies are rumbling. Sometimes they can even see the evidence of the gods' flatulence.

  • [Xi meets Steyn, who is smoking a pipe]

    Narrator: There was another god. He had a fire inside him. The smoke came out through his mouth and nostrils. Xi said politely, "It was kind of you to send us this thing but it made my family unhappy. Please take it."

  • [Xi meets Mpudi, who is riding an automobile]

    Narrator: There was a peculiar sound, and Xi saw a most amazing animal approaching. Its legs went around instead of up and down. And there was a weird-looking god on its back. He wore blue skin on his head and red on his body. And hair grew on his face.

  • [Xi comes across an African cooking dinner]

    Narrator: Xi saw a very strange-looking persona and he greeted him. The man didn't hear him.

    [the man, busily playing a kalimba instrument, ignores Xi. Xi then notices the man's gun and picks it up]

    Narrator: Xi said, "This is a funny stick. Did it grow on a tree?"

    [the man raises his hands. Puzzled, Xi questions him; the man screams and runs away]

  • Narrator: They live in the vastness of the Kalahari in small family groups. One family of Bushmen might meet up with another once in a few years, but for the most part they live in complete isolation, unaware there are other people in the world. In the deep Kalahari, there are Bushmen who have never seen or heard of civilized man.

  • [Xi comes across a herd of goats]

    Narrator: There were some ridiculous-looking animals. But they looked good to eat, and he was hungry.

    [Xi shoots a goat]

    Narrator: Suddenly a young boy made chattering noises at Xi, so he greeted him and said, "I shot one of those animals. It will go to sleep soon, and then we can eat it." But the boy ran away, maybe to call his family to join in the feast.

    [the boy, a shepherd in charge of the goats, fetches a policeman in a car]

    Narrator: There was a weird sound, and another of those strange animals with the round legs appeared. The young boy had a grown-up, and they seemed very excited. Xi said "Come, sit down. There's enough meat for all of us." But the man was rude and greedy. He took the whole animal.

    [the policeman grabs the goat and throws it in the car]

    Narrator: Xi said, "You have very bad manners. If you want to eat the whole thing, I'll have to shoot another one for myself."

    [Xi goes to catch another goat]

    Narrator: The man shouted at him, but he didn't want to have anything to do with such an uncouth person, so he ignored him.

    [the policeman takes out his revolver and fires a warning shot in the air]

    Narrator: Suddenly, there was a thunderclap. The animals ran away, and he ran after them. He was very hungry.

    [Xi goes on ahead, and the policeman shoots Xi]

  • [Xi enters a courthouse]

    Narrator: They brought Xi into a place where there were several people. He smiled at them in greeting. But nobody smiled back.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: It looks like a paradise, but it is in fact the most treacherous desert in the world... the Kalahari. After the short rainy season, there are many waterholes, and even rivers. But after a few weeks, the water sinks away into the deep Kalahari sand, the waterholes dry up, and the rivers stop flowing. The grass fades to a beautiful blond colour that offers excellent grazing. But for the next nine months there will be no water to drink, so most of the animals move away, leaving the blond grass uneaten.

  • Narrator: Lately, strange new things sometimes appeared in the sky: noisy birds that flew without flapping their wings.

    [a small aeroplane is seen soaring]

  • Narrator: A hundred miles to the north, is the country of Burani. And here trouble is brewing...

  • [Steyn's jeep drives past Xi]

    Narrator: One day, a very noisy animal rushed past where Xi was sleeping. It left very peculiar tracks, as if two enormous snakes had slithered past.

  • [a pilot finishes a Coke bottle and throws it out of his plane. It lands right in front of Xi]

    Narrator: One day, something fell from the sky. Xi had never seen anything like this in his life. It looked like water, but it was harder than anything else in the world. He wondered why the gods had sent this thing down to the earth.

    [Filled with wonder, Xi examines the bottle and takes it home to his tribe]

    Narrator: It was the strangest and most beautiful thing they had ever seen, and they wondered why the gods had sent it. Pabo got his finger stuck in the thing, and the children thought he was very funny.

  • Narrator: The hairy one said, "We don't want the thing. You have to throw it away yourself." He was very disappointed. He thought it was unfair of the gods to make him throw the thing off the Earth. In fact, he began to doubt if they really were gods.

  • [Xi observes Kate and Steyn conversing in English]

    Narrator: The funny thing about these gods was that they couldn't speak. They could only make chattering sounds like monkeys.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [with schlocky sensationalism] Zomcon presents A Bright New World. From the darkest depths of outer space came an evil no man could predict. A cloud of radiation engulfed our great planet. Scientists discovered that these space particles caused the reanimation of dead bodies. Zombies. Creature with but one destructive need, to devour the flesh of the living. And so we were forced to defend our homeland. The Zombie Wars. Mankind against legions of the undead.

    Narrator: But in our darkest hour, a savior. Zomcon, and our founder Dr. Hrothgar Geiger. Dr. Geiger discovered that if the brain was destroyed, the zombie was destroyed, never to reanimate. And so, the Zombie Wars were won. Zomcon built security systems like the perimeter fence that encloses our town in a wall of protective steel. And surrounds other towns right across this great land.

    Narrator: But even within the fence, danger lurked. Lingering radiation meant that anyone who died became a zombie. Be careful Mrs. Smith! He's not the man you married. And then a breakthrough - the domestication collar. With the collar in place, a red light comes on telling us that the zombie's desire for human flesh has been contained, making the zombie as gentle as a household pet. But if the collar light goes out, call Zomcon, or push the nearest safety button, and we'll be there to handle any zombie problem, large or small. Thanks to Zomcon we can all become productive members of society, even after we die. Or for those who can afford it, a Zomcon funeral complete with head-coffin, guarantees you a burial that you won't come back from.

    Narrator: Your tax dollars allow Zomcon new ways to protect our homeland from the zombie threat, giving us more time to relax and be with our families. So thank you, Zomcon, for winning the Zombie Wars, and building a company for tomorrow that gives us a safer future today. Zomcon. A better life through containment.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The place: New York City. The time: Now, 1962. And there's no time or place like it. If you've got a dream, this is the place to make that dream come true. That's why the soaring population of hopeful dreamers has just reached eight million people. Oh! Make that eight million and one.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: August 18, 1973. News of a bizarre, chainsaw wielding family - reports which were to ignite the world's imagination - began to filter out of central Texas. Regrettably not one of the family members was ever apprehended and for more than ten years nothing further was heard. Then, over the next several years at least two minor, yet apparently related incidents, were reported. Then again nothing. For five long years silence...

  • Narrator: Since before recorded time, it had swung through the universe in an elliptical orbit so large that its very existence remained a secret of time and space; but now in the last few years of the 20th century, the visitor was returning. The citizens of earth would get an extra Christmas present this year as their planet orbited through the tail of the comet. Scientists predicted a light show of stellar proportions, something not seen on earth for 65 million years, indeed not since the time that the dinosaurs disappeared, virtually overnight. There were a few who saw this as more than just a coincidence, but most didn't...

  • Narrator: It wasn't till years later that Conrad would realize love was just like communism - it was a great idea but never quite worked out.

  • Narrator: Conrad was the son of a Parisian entrepreneur and a Caledonian debutante. His father, Jean-Louis Valmont, owned the Valmont Hotel as had his father and his father before him. Their country home in Great Neck was the pantheon of summer gatherings. On the eve of his 51st year, Jean-Louis took Conrad's mother to the south of France on what was to be a weekend excursion. It had since turned into a lavish escapade around the world lasting nearly three decades. Over the subsequent years, Conrad was raised by the Valmont's staff. His chauffeur Bernard had taken Conrad to a Parisian brothel for his 13th birthday as a sort of rite of passage into polite society. It was a family tradition. At present, he was working on his magnum opus - a great New York novel in the tradition of Fitzgerald and Edith Wharton. It was widely speculated as to where he was in the process of writing it. When asked, he would simply reply...

    Conrad Valmont: I'm in the gathering stages.

    Narrator: Conrad had been in the "gathering stages"for several years now. Last week Thursday, Conrad's parents had capsized and had become stranded on a small island in the Mediterranean. Having to spend numerous days together without the distractions of wealth and a transient lifestyle, they'd come to a simple realization they didn't particularly like one another. Conrad's parents were to divorce by the week's end and neither wanted to continue paying for Conrad's extravagant lifestyle. Hence, the Valmont board of trustees had requested hotel security to escort Conrad from the premises by 2 PM.

  • Narrator: This is Dylan Tate. Dylan was an antisocial socialist, a closet conversationalist, a clinical neurotic. Possessing an inimitable talent for the arts, Dylan had been afforded the opportunity to travel the world and live a comfortable lifestyle at his own expense something Conrad knew nothing about. Dylan Tate was the only personage of all Conrad's acquaintances whom he admired and, to a bigger extent than he liked to admit to himself, envied.

  • Narrator: As their conversation continued, the two spoke of French cinema and classic literature. He tried to be witty, to make her laugh, and for a moment she resembled a statue, a bust of an Aphrodite that he could only remember its gentle eyes but not where the statue itself had been.

  • Narrator: Unfortunately, there were still two unavoidable problems Dylan, and that Conrad was broke. But most importantly that he was lying concerning both.

  • Narrator: Conrad's ability to trust had been marred by years of betrayal and deceit for others had only dated or befriended him to gain access to his wealth. He had been quoted on numerous occasions as saying that no one could be trusted. What he forgot to add was that included himself.

  • Narrator: Conrad had often professed that he led a "life of the mind." Unfortunately for him, his mind had been damaged by years of abandonment, philandering, Tom Collins, and a two-pack-per-day nicotine habit, not to mention an unhealthy Oedipal complex.

  • Narrator: Conrad's worst fear had come true. He was all alone.

  • Beatrice Fairbanks: Do you ever notice that the people who make fun of people for being pretentious are usually the pretentious ones? It's just Duchamp but without the wit.

    Conrad Valmont: You ever noticed how people only lash out on others because they're afraid of what they see because they see themselves?

    Beatrice Fairbanks: What if I tell you "I love you," does that mean I actually love myself?

    Conrad Valmont: Exactly.

    Beatrice Fairbanks: I love you.

    Conrad Valmont: I love you too.

    Narrator: It was at that moment Conrad and Beatrice knew that it was over. Beatrice couldn't help but feel sympathy for Conrad. Not love but sympathy. One can often get confused for the other.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: It appeared Conrad's allergies to grass and clean air had been completely psychosomatic. He began to reflect back on his week with Beatrice and thought of the old adage, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Conrad reluctantly agreed, for he still thought of Beatrice often. At the ripe age of 42, Conrad Valmont was finally growing up.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [voice-over] I was never to see her again. Nor was I ever to learn what became of her. We were different then. Kids were different. It took us longer to understand the things we felt. Life is made up of small comings and goings. And for everything we take with us, there is something that we leave behind. In the summer of '42, we raided the Coast Guard station four times, we saw five movies, and had nine days of rain. Benji broke his watch, Oscy gave up the harmonica, and in a very special way, I lost Hermie forever.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] Nothing from that first day I saw her and no one that has happened to me since, has ever been as frightening and as confusing. For no person I've ever known has ever done more to make me feel more sure, more insecure, more important and less significant.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [voice-over] When I was 15 and my family came to the island for the summer, there weren't as many houses or people as they are now. The geography of the island and the singularity of the sea were far more noticeable then. And if a guy wasn't to die of loneliness, this family made certain that other families from his neighborhood contributed other kids to the island. Present with me in the summer of '42 were Oscy, my best friend. And Benji, my next best friend. We called ourselves the "terrible trio".

  • Narrator: Your attention, please. The story you are about to see is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example: George Baker is now called "Sylvia Wiss. "

  • Narrator: Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!

  • Narrator: Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!

  • Newscaster: Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles. Film at eleven.

    [two commercials later... ]

    Narrator: If you were thrilled by "The Towering Inferno"... if you were terrified by "Earthquake"... then you will be SCARED SHITLESS at the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of "That's Armageddon!"

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: That night, fleeing from Transylvania, Professor Abronsius never guessed he was carrying away with him the very evil he had wished to destroy. Thanks to him, this evil would at last be able to spread across the world.

  • [opening lines]

    Narrator: That night, penetrating deep into the heart of Transylvania, Professor Abronsius was unaware that he was on the point of reaching the goal of his mysterious investigations. In the course of which he had journeyed throughout Central Europe for years accompanied by his one and only faithful disciple, Alfred. A scholar and scientist whose genius was unappreciated, Abronsius had given up all to devote himself body and soul to what was to him a sacred mission. He had even lost his chair at Königsberg University, where for a long time his colleagues used to refer to him as "The Nut".

  • Narrator: [Last Lines] That night, fleeing from Transylvania, Professor Abronsius never guessed that he was carrying away with him the very evil he had sought to destroy. Thanks to him, this evil would now be able to spread itself across the world.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: There was, once upon a time, a town not far from a big city. A road ran through, but there were only a few businesses. A coffee shop, a hardware store, a sheriff's office. And all kinds of people. Vagrants, run away teens, religious fanatics, retired seniors who, well, it was a town of those who wanted to be left alone. And so they were.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: He was unable to suppress a sense that he had been able to escape from something. That he was a free man again. A feeling he eventually came to realize was entirely misguided. It was many years before he understood that both of them had been quite unjustly punished. Léa for being born so many years before him, and Chéri for having failed to grasp that Léa was the only woman he would ever be able to love. And once he was settled in his mind that this was the case, he took out his old service revolver, and put a bullet in his brain.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: We may think ourselves familiar in this day and age with the notion that whores of every description can very easily achieve fame and fortune. But towards the end of the 19th century, there what came to be known in France as the "Belle Epoque", a select group of courtesans, who became for a short period, the most celebrated and powerful women in the long history of prostitution.

  • Mother Claus: [at Nick's birthday] Time to cut the cake!

    Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old: [comes with a journal with the name "Nicholas" written on the cover] Here you go, Nicholas! I made this for you. Happy Birthday!

    Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old: I thank you, Frederick!

    Mother Claus: That was very nice, Frederick!

    [Nicholas takes all his presents and leaves]

    Mother Claus: Nicholas, where are you going?

    Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old: There's a poor orphan named Henry who lives down the road. I'm bringing all my gifts to him. He needs them more than I.

    Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old: Do you really think Henry needs a journal with the name "Nicholas" on the cover?

    Mother Claus: Frederick! It's a sacret thing he does! My little Saint Nicholas!

    Narrator: And so it went for Fred...

  • Narrator: Old Skip was 11, and feeble with arthritis, but he never lost that old devilish look in his eye. He made my room his own. Came across an old photo of him not long ago. His little face, with the long snout sniffing at something in the air. His tail was straight out, pointing. Eyes were flashing in some momentary excitement. He always loved to be rubbed on the back of his neck. And when I did it, he'd yawn and he'd stretch, reach out to me with his paws, as if he was trying to embrace me. I recieved a transatlantic call one day. "Skip died," Daddy said. He and my mama wrapped him in my baseball jacket. "They buried him out under our elm tree," they said. That wasn't totally true. For he really lay buried in my heart.

  • Narrator: Like all dogs, Skip was colorblind. He made friends easily with people of all races and origins. The town was segregated back then, but as we know, dogs are a whole lot smarter than people.

  • Narrator: Why in childhood and youth do we wish time to pass so quickly - we want to grow up so fast - yet as adults we wish just the opposite?

  • Narrator: I almost lost old Skip that day. Even as he was sleeping on the operating table, he was still teaching me. That day, I became a young man. Why, in childhood and youth, we wish time to pass so quickly. We want to grow up so fast. Yet, as adults, we wish just the opposite.

  • Narrator: I was an only child. He was an only dog.

  • Narrator: In my life I find that memories of the spirit linger and sweeten long after memories of the brain have faded.

  • Narrator: There were so many surprises that year. Who'd have thought that my daddy would ever let me play football? And who'd have dreamed that Rivers Applewhite, the prettiest girl in town, would let me hold her hand? It was indeed a strange and unusual time. Old Skip had helped me through the stuggles of boyhood. But his job was far from done.

  • Narrator: When you're a gay man, you have to feel good about yourself when a urologist says, 'Yeah. I pick you.'

  • Narrator: Eventually all of this would pass, and the memory of it would give way to embellishment and fantasy and... outright distortion. Until it was hard for Hal Hefner to remember what he was really like back then, when he still carried in his head the sound a of a made-up perfect voice. A voice that could speak its heart. A voice he used wish he had, until the day he stopped wishing he sounded like anyone else and just started talking as he was.

  • Narrator: And if you don't know how farming subsidies could inspire all this commotion then you don't know life and there's nothing to be said about it. Suitcases end marriages and farming subsidies launch cataclysms.

  • [first lines]

    [in Danish, using English subtitles]

    Narrator: In this remote spot there once lived two sisters who were both past the first flush of youth. They had been christened Martina and Philippa after Martin Luther and his friend Philipp Melanchton. They spent all their time and almost all their small income on good works.

  • Narrator: At this very moment, he had a mighty vision of a higher and purer life, without creditors' letters or parental lectures... and with a gentle angel at his side.

  • Narrator: Saturday evening, and the universe is much the same as at any other point in the history of the world. The planets and stars orbit and spin, and do everything that is expected of them. On earth, as the sun sets, millions prepare for a weekly event that is much less predictable. In sixty three countries around the world, dozens of lottery machines spin hundreds of lottery balls. It takes seconds for the winning numbers to be selected... seconds for the losers to realize they've lost. But for the winners, it is an event that will undoubtedly change their lives forever... lucky sods!

  • [Last lines]

    Narrator: I never forgot that New Year's Eve when Aunt Bea awakened me to watch 1944 come in. I've never forgotten any of those people or any of the voices we would hear on the radio. Though the truth is, with the passing of each New Year's Eve, those voices do seem to grow dimmer and dimmer.

  • Narrator: For some miraculous reason, it's a wonderful feeling having a teacher you've seen dance naked in front of a mirror.

  • Narrator: Then there were my father and mother, two people who could find an argument in any subject.

    Father: Wait, you think the Atlantic is a greater ocean than the Pacific?

    Mother: No. Have it your way. The Pacific is greater.

    Narrator: I mean, how many people argue over oceans?

  • Narrator: Ceil adored a very prominent ventriloquist, and this always used to drive Abe crazy:

    Abe: He's a ventriloquist on the radio - how do you know he's not moving his lips?

    Ceil: Who cares? Leave me alone!

    [bursts with laughter]

  • Narrator: Despite his bravado, Mr Manulis panicked and bolted out of the car. He was so frightened by the reports of interplanetary invasion that he ran off, leaving Aunt Bea to contend with the green monsters he expected to drop from the sky at any moment. She walked home. Six miles. When Mr Manulis called for a date the next week, she told my mother to say she couldn't see him. She had married a Martian.

  • Narrator: [First Lines] Once upon a time, many years ago, two burglars broke into our neighbors house in Rockaway. Mr. and Mrs. Needleman had gone to a movie and the following events occurred.

  • Narrator: My most vivid memory connected with an old radio song I associate with the time that Aunt Bea and her then-boyfriend Chester took me into New York to the movies. It was the first time I'd ever seen the Radio City Music Hall and it was like entering heaven. I just never saw anything so beautiful in my life.

  • Narrator: [about a therapist's radio show] I found the show silly and always imagined my parents on it airing their standard complaints.

    Mother: He's a business failure. He never finishes what he starts. We're forced to live with my relatives and thank God for them. And I should have married Sam Slotkin.

    Father: Sam Slotkin's dead.

    Mother: Yes, but while he was alive, he was working.

    Father: She'd be lost without her whole family around her all the time, and you should see 'em. They're like some kind of tribe. They're like the Huns. Maybe if I had married a more encouraging woman, who knows?

    Mother: So who do you think is right?

    Mr. Abercrombie: I think you both deserve each other.

    Mother: What does that mean?

    Father: Look, we didn't come here to be insulted.

    Mother: I love him, but what did I do to deserve him?

  • Narrator: What Aunt Bea did with the rest of the money was treat us all to a Broadway dance palace. She and Sy seemed very much in love, and she seemed happy. But it was not to be, because after a week Sy did not leave his wife and children, nor did he after two weeks nor ever. And as the year came to a close, Aunt Bea would soon be back to her old dreams of finding a true love. Still, on this night, no one had any thoughts except what a wonderful time we were all having.

  • Narrator: You could tell from the petulant arch on his furrowed brow that he was not in route to a good deed.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: If you remember Pearl Harbor, you'll recall that in the year that followed the Japanese were almost invincible. Early in 1943, however, they were checked. Stopped cold by the Marines at Guadalcanal, the Navy in the Coral Sea, and the Allied armies in New Guinea. This was a period of far-reaching decisions, desperate strategies, and incredibly daring counter-strokes - not the least of which involved two bright young naval officers...

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is the universe. Big, isn't it?

  • Narrator: Usually she preferred to hitchhike without a fixed destination hitching for hitching's sake for freedom and movement and that alone. But something was pulling her to the Rubber Rose, something softer than money and stranger than work.

  • Narrator: When in doubt, keep moving. There was no road that did not expect her nor vehicle she could not command.

  • Narrator: The brown paper bag is the only thing civilized man has produced that does not seem out of place in nature. Crumpled into a wad of wrinkles like the fossilized brain of a dryad, blending with rock and vegetation as if it were a burrowing owl's doormat or a jackrabbit's underwear, a number eight kraft paper bag lay discarded in the Oregon hills and appeared to live where it lay. Once long ago, it had borne a package of buns and a jar of mustard to a kitchenette rendezvous with a fried hamburger. Most recently, the bag had held love letters. As a hole in an oak hides a squirrel's family jewels, the bag had hidden love letters in the bottom of a bunkhouse trunk. Then one day after work, the lanky filly to whom the letters were addressed, gathered bag and contents under her arm, slipped down to the corral past ranch hands pitchin' horseshoes, and ranch hands flyin' Tibetan kites, saddled up and trotted into the hills. A mile or so from the bunkhouse, she dismounted and built a small fire.She fed the fire letters, one by one, the way her girlfriend had once fed her french fries. As words such as "sweetheart" and "honey britches" and "forever" and "always" burned away, the cowgirl squirted a few fat tears. Her eyes were so misty, she forgot to burn the bag.

  • Narrator: [from the Trailer] A comedy about a family who can escape anything - except their job.

  • Narrator: Ever wonder whatever happens to the pampered rich kids the liberal arts colleges turn out year after year?

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [voice-over] Once upon a time, there lived a real fast guy. His life was fast. His friends were fast. Heh - even his food was fast. But he was still not satisfied. He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else, a beautiful girl. Trouble was, she was in the arms of... another man.

  • Narrator: [voice-over] The sun never sets on those who ride into it.

  • Narrator: He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else. A beautiful girl. The trouble was, she was in the arms of another man.

  • Narrator: Jean-Marc Clement was a farmer, but not a very good one. Contemporaries state that with fertile land and plenty of water he couldn't grow mud, but he didn't have to. While hoeing for potatoes, he found a chest of gold. This is thought to be the origin of the phrase "lots of potatoes."

  • Narrator: Jean-Marc bought a balloon factory and prospered. He was a completely dedicated man - interested in balloons of every kind. He died in 1777 leaving well over 300,000 francs. The cause of death was listed as, uh, excessive interest in balloons.

  • Narrator: He left millions and was the first Clement to die vertically.

  • Barbara Foss: Hey, Andy. Mary Clear likes you.

    Andy Nichol: M - Mary Clear likes me?

    Barbara Foss: That's what I said.

    Andy Nichol: Why?

    Barbara Foss: I don't know. She's pretty much gone steady with everybody else, so...

    Andy Nichol: She told you that she wanted to go steady with me?

    Barbara Foss: Of course, she's my best friend. She said she thinks you're cute. And don't ask me why.

    [walks away]

    Narrator: Let's just say that selection by process of elimination lacked a certain romance one might have otherwise found exciting. Even at the age of 13.

  • Narrator: I'm a writer. That's what I am.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: It has often been said that children are cruel. So goes the tale of Big G.

    Mr. Simon: [reading to the class from Joan of Arc] Joan looked at the generals and said, my business is not with you. You have not craved the counsel of war. Then she turned toward the kings Privy Counsel and continued. No, it is with you, a counsel of war. It is amazing. Counsels of war have no value, but to decided between two or several doubtful courses. But a counsel of war when there is only one course?

    Narrator: Big G had head of flaming red... no, make that orange, hair. The G stood for Ginger, and derogatory term for red heads. Big G was easily a foot taller than anyone else in the school. Even so, his head was still too big for his body, and his ears too big for his head. One might think in order to compensate, Big G might have been blessed with a handsome face. After all, Clark Gable had big ears, Lucile Ball had orange hair, and yet for them there was compensation. Not so for Big G. Did I say children were cruel? Apparently even God has His moments.

  • Narrator: It took maybe thirty seconds for word of Mary Clear and my impending union to cover the school grounds like a suffocating fog. If only our fire drills were that organized. Heck, even the Blue Angels don't fly with that kind of precision any more.

  • Narrator: [as Andy heads for rendezvous with Mary Clear] I moved with purpose, and yet it was clear that my mind was not in control. My body governed by some force previously unknown to me was calling the shots. This despite the fact that it was my body and not my mind that Ricky Brown would ultimately beat unmercifully.

  • Narrator: She turned what might have been a scarring boyhood memory into the sweetest of recollections, and for that I would always be grateful.

  • Narrator: The trip through that dark tunnel from boy to man does not come without great expense.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free - and looking for a government handout, a free lunch, and a dental plan too - The wretched refuse of your teeming shores, Your unwashed yellows and browns and all colors in between. Jews and Gentiles, Muslims and Hindus, and anyone else with funny hats, and we will make fun of them.

  • Narrator: The code of the west says do unto others... do unto others before they do it unto you.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: For some odd reason, lost in the mists of time, there's an extraordinary shortage of last names in Wales. Almost everyone seems to be a Williams, a Jones, or an Evans. To avoid widespread confusion, Welsh people often add an occupation to a name. For example, there was Williams the Petroleum, and Williams the Death. There was Jones the Bottle, and Jones the Prize Cabbage... which described his hobby and his personality. Evans the Bacon, and Evans the End of the World. But one man's name was a puzzle, and it wasn't until I was 10 years old that I asked my grandfather about the man with the longest and most enigmatic name of all.

    Grandfather: [to the narrator at age 10] The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill but Came Down a Mountain? Now there's a long name for you. And a long story. You are not going to fidget, are you? For this is a story... an epic story. Yes, epic.

  • [last lines]

    Grandfather: And so it was that Betty and Anson stayed the night on Ffynnon Gawr. Now you know what the Welsh say about people who stay on mountain peaks at night, don't you? They become poets, madmen, very very wise, or...

    [band playing, procession, cheering]

    Grandfather: And when they descended, it was to announce that Ffynnon Gawr was indeed a mountain, of one thousand and two feet, and that they were engaged to be married. Yes, it was an odd courtship, but one befitting a man who went up a hill but came down a mountain.


    Narrator: And should you think this is just a shaggy dog story told by a senile man to his impressionable grandson, I'd ask you to come to South Wales, to the village where I was born, and as you drive north from Cardiff, look for the first big hill. Not just a hill, but a mountain, and the children of the people who built it. However, just before this film was made, the mountain was remeasured and found to be nine hundred and ninety-seven feet, thus the mound had settled back into a hill.

    Rev. Robert Jones: [from the grave monument] A hill?


  • Narrator: To the west, there is nothing. Except America.

  • Narrator: [describing the inhabitants of Todday as children run out of a cottage] A happy people, with few and simple pleasures.

  • [first lines]

    words on a Victorian sampler: "When we are young / We read and believe / The most fantastic things. / When we are older / We learn with regret / That these things cannot be"

    Narrator: We are quite, quite wrong!

  • Narrator: Once upon a time there was a charming country house in which lived a very happily married couple.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Yeki boud, yeki naboud. There was someone, there was no one. That is how Persian tales begin. Yeki boud, yeki naboud.

  • Narrator: "If" and "only," two small words... words that kept repeating themselves again and again in Janet's thoughts. But It was too late to go back now, it was as if she were riding a giant...

    Audience: Cock!

    Narrator: Well, I have "tidal wave," but "cock" is better.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: For fifty weeks of the year, Fort Lauderdale, Florida is a small corner of tropical heaven, basking contentedly in the warm sun. During the other two weeks, as colleges all over the country disgorge their students for Easter vacation, a change comes over the scene. The students swarm to these peaceful shores in droves, twenty thousand strong. They turn night into day, and a small corner of heaven into a sizeable chunk of bedlam. The boys come to soak up the sun, and a few carloads of beer. The girls come, very simply, because this is where the boys are.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Warning! The truly unusual motion picture you are about to see contains many scenes of graphic violence. It is not intended for the faint of heart nor the young and impressionable. While it is a sad fact that mass homicide and practitioners of blood cults infest our society, the producers of this film wish to express that they do not condone, nor do they want to inspire, any of the human butchery or violence portrayed in this film. If you feel you will be offended by such material, please leave the theatre at once. Note: All of the mutilations, bodily dismemberments and cannibal rituals were performed by seasoned professionals. Please do not attempt any of these stunts at home. Thank you.

  • Narrator: Because I dream, I am not.

  • Narrator: That day, I understood that fear lived in our deepest being.

  • Narrator: My grandmother had convinced my father that good health... came through shitting.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so the monster lives to breath and feel, to kill. But do not fear the truth. Just seek within. The heart holds keys to free from sin. For love, true love, will always win.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [voice over] Cannery Row has never been like anywhere else. For one thing, its people are different. When the town died off, most of them failed to notice. Some say nobody would live here if they didn't have to, but there are some, like The Seer, who wouldn't live anywhere else, even if they could. Of all the people on Cannery Row, Doc is probably the best known. He makes as good a living as he needs by collecting marine animals and selling them to colleges and museums. Over the years, Doc became a pillar of the community, and its fountain of science and philosophy. He had friends he didn't even know about, and some he would never forget - friends like Mack and the boys. Mack is the elder and leader of a small group of men who have in common no families, no money and no ambition, beyond the time to discuss matters of interest but little importance. The youngest and by far the strongest of the group is Hazel. A childhood illness is said to have left him with a slightly diminished mental capacity. As a result, he had the mind of a small boy grafted to the body of a bull.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [voice over] The party didn't slow down 'till dawn. The crew of a San Pedro tuna boat showed up about One, and was routed. The police came by at Two, and stayed to join the party. Mack used their squad car to go get more wine. A woman called the police to complain about the noise, and couldn't get anybody. The crew of the tuna boat came back about Three, and was welcomed with open arms. The police reported their own car stolen, and found it later on the beach. Things were finally back to normal on Cannery Row. Once more, the world was spinning in greased grooves.

  • Narrator: [voice over] After an hour or so, Doc was tired of driving. Something more was needed to combat his restlessness, with an element of danger maybe. Because he could find no one to get into a fight with, he did the next best thing.

    Waitress: What'll it be.

    Doc: A beer milkshake.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Henry Meyerwitz had never wanted any children. But when he had his first, he remembered an old proverb. Commit a sin twice and it will not seem a crime. So he had more. And once a year, his sins, all grown up, gathered to celebrate his birthday. He didn't want to be there. They didn't want to be there. This year however, a book came out that made it even worse.

  • Narrator: To his children, Henry Meyerwitz was more a face on a billboard than a father. He was like the Marlboro Man. But shorter. And Jewish.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Even though it never was his intention. Henry Meyerwitz finally brought his family together. It nearly killed him.

  • Narrator: I really enjoy forgetting. When I first come to a place, I notice all the little details. I notice the way the sky looks. The color of white paper. The way people walk. Doorknobs. Everything. Then I get used to the place and I don't notice those things anymore. So only by forgetting can I see the place again as it really is.

  • Narrator: I have something to say about the difference between American and European cities. But I've forgotten what it is. I have it written down at home somewhere.

  • Narrator: Look at this. Who can say it isn't beautiful? Sky, bricks. Who do you think lives there? Four-car garage. Hope, fear, excitement, satisfaction.

  • Louis Fyne: Like the song says, it's a scientific lifestyle.

    Narrator: Hmm. I don't know that one.

  • Narrator: Excuse me, Mr. Culver. I forget what these peppers represent.

  • Narrator: Metal buildings are the dream that Modern Architects had at the beginning of this century. It has finally come true, but they themselves don't realize it. That's because it doesn't take an Architect to build a metal building. You just order them out of a catalog - comes with a bunch of guys who put it together in a couple of days, maybe a week. And there you go - you're all set to go into business - just slap a sign out front.

  • Narrator: You know, things that never had names before are now easily described. Makes conversation easier.

  • Narrator: What time is it? No time to look back.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: This isn't a rental car - it's privately owned.

  • Narrator: Some people say 'Freeways are the Cathedrals of our time'. Not me.

  • Narrator: Look! I personally believe... I can see Fort Worth from here.

  • Earl Culver: Let me show you what I think is going on...

    Linda Culver: Do you hear music?

    Narrator: [to Larry, sotto voce] Is there something wrong with your sister?

    Earl Culver: Main... frame! Micro-processor! Semi-conductor!

    Linda Culver: All right, Daddy!

    Larry Culver: [simultaneously with Linda] All right, Dad!

    Earl Culver: Now. If this is the town... and here is the workplace...

    [starts arranging the food ont he table to make a map]

    Earl Culver: with its goods... and distribution network... Now, most middle-class people have worked for large corporations, like VeriCorp. Or for the government itself. But now, all that's starting to change. Scientists and engineers are moving off from those large corporations like VeriCorp, and they're beginning to start their own companies, marketing new inventions.

    Narrator: Excuse me, Mister Culver... I forgot what these peppers represent.

    Earl Culver: A-ha! It all spins back to the middle! Here we are right here, in Virgil. Our way of doing business has been based on the past! That's why we have to keep these guys in Virgil, even though they DO leave VeriCorp. For the time being, it's created confusion! And chaos! They don't work for money anymore, but to earn a place in Heaven, which is a big motivating factor once upon a time, believe you me. They're working and inventing because they like it! Economics is become a spiritual thing. I must admit it frightens me a bit; they don't seem to see the difference between working, and not working. It's all become a part of one's life. Larry! Linda! There's no concept of weekends anymore!

  • Narrator: The ones who don't enjoy themselves, even when they laugh. Oh yeah. The ones who worship the corporate image, not knowing that they work for someone else. Oh yeah. The ones who should have been shot in the cradle... Pow! Oh yeah. The ones who say 'Follow me to success, but kill me if I fail... so to speak.' Oh yeah. The ones who say we Italians are the greatest he-men on earth. Oh yeah. The ones who are noble Romans, the ones who say 'That's for me,' the ones who say 'You know what I mean.' Oh yeah. The ones who vote for the right because they're fed up with strikes. Oh yeah. The ones who vote white in order not to get dirty. The ones who never get involved with politics. Oh yeah. The ones who say 'Be calm, calm.' The ones who still support the king. The ones who say 'Yes, sir.' Oh yeah. The ones who make love standing in their boots, and imagine they're in a luxurious bed. The ones who believe Christ is Santa Claus as a young man. Oh yeah. The ones who say 'Oh, what the hell.' The ones who were there. The ones who believe in everything, even in God. The ones who listen to the national anthem. Oh yeah. The ones who love their country. The ones who keep going, just to see how it will end. Oh yeah. The ones who are in garbage up to here. Oh yeah. The ones who sleep soundly, even with cancer. Oh yeah. The ones who, even now, don't believe the world is round. Oh yeah, oh yeah. The ones who are afraid of flying. Oh yeah. The ones who have never had a fatal accident. Oh yeah. The ones who have had one. The ones who, at a certain point in their lives, create a secret weapon, Christ. Oh yeah. The ones who are always standing at the bar. The ones who are always in Switzerland. The ones who started early, haven't arrived, and don't know they're not going to. Oh yeah. The ones who lose wars by the skin of their teeth. Oh yeah. The ones who say 'Everything is wrong here.' The ones who say 'Now let's all have a good laugh.' Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

  • [opening narration]

    Narrator: This is the beat of a human heart. Sit very still and listen. Is your heart beating in this same rhythm? You are experiencing the heartbeat of a dying man. And it is with death and dying that we concern ourselves. What happens at the point of death? What happens afterwards? What happens after death to someone who does not choose to stay dead, someone like Morella?

  • Narrator: And what is it that happens just before death which leads inexorably to that death? Our second tale provides one roguish answer to that question in the story of a man who hated a cat. The Black Cat.

  • Narrator: What exactly is it that occurs within the moment of death, especially to a man within that moment who is not permitted to die, as in the case of Mr. Valdemar?

  • Narrator: ...and Larry Hubbard.

    Larry Hubbard: That's me, fifth one back. I can't take it over now.

    Narrator: Oh, all right.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Our vagabond camera takes us to beautiful Washington, D.C., the national capital of our United States, situated on the broad banks of the Potomac River. Living is pleasant and leisurely... for it is a city of formality and custom. Manners and courtesy are responsible for the well-ordered conduct of its daily affairs. The many fine restaurants of Washington are the delight of the epicurean and the gourmet, where one may enjoy to the full the rare dishes of the old south. Washington's beautiful homes have the quiet dignity of another day. Our trip would be incomplete if we neglected to visit the quiet, staid and dignified residential section. It is with pride that we view hospitable Washington, friendly Washington, welcoming us to her doorstep eagerly throwing wide her doors.

    Hotel Clerk: I'm sorry; there're no vacancies... positively no vacancies.

  • Narrator: For some time now, Stephen Turnbull has been a man of routine. Every day he showers for twenty seven minutes, brushes for four, gargles for eight and flosses for seven. He then files the floss, stacks his urine and notes its PH. Next he washes everything that has so far touched his body, completes a 200-page book of bumper crosswords and watches eight episodes of Ray Mears' Extreme Survival on videotape. Then it's time for lunch.

  • Narrator: And so we were three, three reivers high-tailing it for Memphis. Oh, "reivers". That's an old-fashioned word from my childhood. In plain English, I'm afraid it meant "thieves".

  • Narrator: We didn't fear death, in those days, because we believed that your outside was just what you lived in and slept in, and had no connection to what you were.

  • Narrator: [voice over] And that was the end of the goldfish, because from now on I was gonna be good. And if anyone was looking for Francie the Bad Bastard, they wouldn't find him.because he was busy gettig the Francie-Not-a-Bad-Bastard-Anymore diploma.

  • Da Brady: It wasn't always like this, son. You'll never know how much I loved that woman.

    Francie Brady: "May the curse of Christ light upon you, you bitch. The day I took you out of that hole of a shop in Derry was a bitter one for me."

    Da Brady: I came here to see you, son. If only you knew.

    Francie Brady: You have no son. You put me in a home like her. What did *I* do? What did I do?

    Da Brady: I loved you like no father ever loved a son, Francie.

    Narrator: [voice over] It was hard for him to say it. I could barely hear him. It would have been better if he drew out and hit me.

  • Narrator: [voice over, talking about the mental hospital] And that's the garage for you. Bogmen at Mass thinking they're at a football match. And that's when I says: "Whatever it takes, Francie Brady's getting out of this garage for pigs."

  • Narrator: [voice over] Excuse me, moon, have you got something to say or are you saying the rosary too?

  • Narrator: [voice over] There's only one place for aliens. And that's underneath the rotten cabbages in the brock heap.

  • Narrator: [voice over] They put Francie Brady in the garage for bad bastards and gave him a new job making baskets. And after he'd made a million trillion baskets they said they'd let him out again.

  • Narrator: [voice over, Frankie sees a statue of Our Lady in a grotto] Oh fuck, oh Mother of Jesus.

    Adult Francie Brady: Hello, stranger.

    Our Lady: How are you, Francie?

    Adult Francie Brady: Haven't seen you for a power of years.

    Our Lady: It's not that I haven't been thinking of you, Francie.

    Adult Francie Brady: What are you doing, missus, still talking to the likes of me?

    Our Lady: God loves every one of us, Francie. But you know something, Francie? He has a very special place in his heart for you.

    Adult Francie Brady: Oh no, missus, you'll have to stop this appearing and disappearing crack or they'll put me back in there.

  • Narrator: After four long years of war, the men are coming home.

  • Narrator: The legend of Chile Verde tells of men and women who became slaves to their passions. They paid the price here under the blistering, burning, blazing, scorching, roasting, toasting, baking, boiling, broiling, steaming, searing, sizzling, grilling, smoldering, VERY HOT New Mexico sun. For there is a saying in these parts: those who lust in the dust shall die in the dust.

  • Narrator: The incredible legends of the abominable Dr. Phibes began a few short years ago, all of them unfortunately true!

  • [There is an explosion and we see a huge mushroom cloud on the horizon]

    Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the end of the film. However, something like this might easily happen, and we thought we should put you in the proper mood. And now, back to our story.

  • Narrator: [Opening narration to Repo Chick] In the last years of the Cold War, the former Soviet Union developed a new weapon of mass destruction. Harnessing the awesome power of the Earth's own gravity, these GD-34 GROWLER bombs were smaller and more destructive than any battlefield munition previously deployed. In the late 20th century, the largest repossession company was GMAC, General Motors Acceptance Corporation. With the deregulation of the banks, GMAC and other less scrupulous companies were able to sell mortgages to poor people who couldn't possibly afford them. As the economy collapsed, repossession corrections became the United States' only non-military growth industries. Meanwhile, six GROWLERS remained unaccounted for.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Nestled in the heartland of America, there's a place called Meadow Brook Farm. And on this farm, there lived a happy pig family. A father pig, a mother pig, and six little pigs.

  • Narrator: If you can't afford LSD, try colour TV.

  • Narrator: Where is the beginning? But what beginning? God created heaven and earth. But one should be able to put it better. To say that the limits of language, of my language, are those of the world, of my world, and that in speaking, I limit the world, I end it. And when mysterious, logical death abolishes those limits, there will be no question, no answer, just vagueness.

  • Narrator: Objects exist, and if we pay them more attention than we do people, it is because they exist more than those people. Dead objects live on. Living people are often dead already.

  • Narrator: What is art? Form becoming style; but the style is the man; therefore art is the humanizing of forms.

  • Narrator: How do you render events? How to say or show that at 4:10 p.m. that afternoon, Juliette and Marianne came to the garage where Juliette's husband works? Right way, wrong way - how can one say exactly what happened? Of course, there is Juliette, her husband, the garage. But are these the words and images to use? Are there no others? Am I talking too loud, looking too close?

  • Narrator: Should I have talked about Juliette or the leaves, since it's impossible to do both at once? Let's say that both, on this October evening, trembled slightly.

  • Narrator: Our thoughts are not the substance of reality, but its shadow.

  • Narrator: There is increasing interaction between images and language. One might say that living in society today is almost like living in a vast comic strip.

  • Narrator: Pax Americana: jumbo-sized brainwashing.

  • Narrator: [at the movies] Human females enjoy stories about one person dying slowly. The males prefer stories of many people dying quickly.

  • Narrator: The mating habits of the earthbound human. From meeting in a bar, to conceiving on a floor, to proposing in an abortion clinic, so it goes with all earthbound humans. WIth a mating ritual so complex and intricate that their mere survival defies all logic, one can only feel for them a sense of respect and admiration. So let's not blow up their planet after all.

  • Narrator: Of all the creatures in the universe, none possess the mating ritual as complex, as perverse, as tragically beautiful as the earthbound human. More passionate than the Orktamus of Centali Five, more neurotic than the Sleekanda of Sleewa, it is a wonder that these furry creatures have not gone extinct millenia ago. But in spite of their self-inflicted paradox, their numbers grow at a rapid pace, over-consuming their tiny planet. For it is from these creatures that we have acquired the universal expression "fuck like people."

  • Narrator: Males of the pack sense the progression of the mating dance as well.

    The Male's Friend: Fucked her?

    The Male: Fucked her.

    The Male's Friend: Cool.

  • Narrator: [at a club, paying a bouncer the cover charge] The male gives the Great Warrior sheaths of thin, green tree bark hoping that the color will satisfy the Great Warrior and he will allow the male to enter. The Great Warrior is pleased. He places a symbol of ink upon the male's hand, proof to the world that the male is ready to mate.

  • Narrator: [the male performs oral sex on the female] As mating grows ever nearer, the male uses his tongue to explore the female's womb, clearing the passageway of any debris so that the infant will have an easy voyage into their world.

    The Female: Oh, God! Oh God!

    Narrator: It is painful for her, but for the good of their child, she makes the sacrifice.

  • Narrator: He makes his way to the long, elevated surface where he will consume small amounts of fermented grain in the hopes that it will make him more appealing to a potential mate. In fact, it has the opposite effect. The fermented grain makes all females more appealing to him.

  • Narrator: [the female is dancing at a club] To prepare for mating, she sways her hips and flails her behind in an attempt to dislodge her egg from her uterus.

  • The Male's Friend: You just met her last night. If you call her now, you'll scare her off.

    The Male: Oh come on, man. I don't play those games.

    The Male's Friend: Don't do it, man. She'll think you want her.

    The Male: I do want her.

    The Male's Friend: I know, but if she thinks that, she'll find somebody else.

    The Male: Someone who doesn't want her?

    The Male's Friend: Someone cool.

    The Male: Oh, but I'm not cool.

    The Male's Friend: Exactly. That's why you got to wait a few days before you call her. And when you do ask her out, act like you're doing *her* a favor, you know? Like you don't give a damn if she says yes or no 'cause you got all these other chickadees waiting for you.

    The Male: And that'll impress her?

    The Male's Friend: Right into the sack.

    Narrator: Please do not adjust your universal translator. We are not experiencing technical difficulties. This is a human thing. It makes no sense to us either.

    The Male's Friend: Heed my words, Grasshopper. Be patient. Be a champion.

    The Male: You know, Jimmy, it occurs to me that I haven't seen you with a woman in about three years.

    The Male's Friend: Right. That's because I always phone them the very next morning.

  • Narrator: [the male is using a computer mouse] He plays with a toy named after one of the small rodents of his planet. He presses his fingers against the rodent's buttocks and gently taps upon its cheeks. Still, he prefers the female of his own species.

  • Narrator: The female is ready. But she must wait for the male to figure this out on his own. She can emit no odor to help him. In fact, to do so would be disastrous.

  • Narrator: [the female performs oral sex on the male] The female attempts to swallow the male's seed for only through the sense of taste can she know that his seed is healthy and will produce a strong child.

    The Male: Oh God! Oh God!

    Narrator: The male prays to his deity to make his seed strong and healthy.

  • Narrator: The female prepares carefully for her next encounter with the male. She paints her face with berries and chemically processed colors, hiding from the male her natural state, which she hopes to show him at a later time. She uses chemically-altered forms of vegetation to cover parts of her body. Then other forms of vegetation over those. She leaves much of her body uncovered, but is careful to cover the first layer of vegetation. She puts the excretions of small, sea-dwelling creatures through holes in the lobes of her hearing organs, which she had mutilated long ago as a symbol of her entry into womanhood. She pulls a bone out of her skull. She is ready.

  • Narrator: They force him to consume large amounts of fermented grain in an attempt to kill him. Unwilling to mate, he is no longer of any use to their species.

  • Narrator: The male tries to validate his existence and prove he doesn't need a female to mate. He attempts to devolve into a hermaphrodite and give birth to offspring on his own.

    [male character vomits]

    Narrator: For the male, this will prove ultimately unfulfilling. Although genetically equipped to deliver the placenta...

    [more vomiting]

    Narrator: he is unable to produce the infant itself.

  • Narrator: [the male and female are laughing together after just meeting] The female exhales rapidly to show that her lungs are strong and she can bear many children. The male exhales rapidly as well to show that he has endurance and can impregnate her many times over.

  • Narrator: [the male searches the pockets of his dry-cleaned blazer hoping to find the female's phone number] The male searches through his animal skins. Perhaps the female is inside.

    [the male pulls out the destroyed remains of the napkin with the female's number]

    Narrator: Blinded by his need to procreate, the male shows some lint to the other member of the pack. "Is this the female I seek?" he asks.

    The Male's Friend: Yep, you're an asshole.

    Narrator: "No, it is not," responds the other.

  • The Male: Can I get your number?

    The Female: I was wondering when you were gonna ask.

    Narrator: The female scratches numerical symbols onto a thin white sheath of tree bark hoping the design will please the male.

    The Male: Great!

    Narrator: The male is pleased with the design! To him, it is the prettiest of all pictures.

  • Narrator: The male has a much more arduous task. He must appear strong to the female, so strong that he doesn't care how he appears. It is this appearance he must strive for. He uses a hydrogen and oxygen mixture with some animal fat to remove the planet's nourishment from his body. He debates over removing the fur from his face with an artificial tooth of steel. He ponders this for a long time before deciding to keep the fur as a display of his masculinity... then changes his mind again. Meticulously, he combs his hair, making certain that it appears uncombed. He covers his body with the same vegetation as the female, then his upper torso with the hair of one creature, and that with the hide of another. Now, he is ready.

    The Male: I shouldn't have shaved.

  • Narrator: [the female discovers the male sent flowers to her office] A gift from the male.

    The Female: He didn't!

    Narrator: Raw vegetation for the female to eat so she may keep up her strength for motherhood.

  • Narrator: [about human intercourse] It is difficult for them, causing them pain and anguish. But for the good of their species, they endure.

  • Narrator: [At a clinic, getting tested for AIDS] As true mating grows ever nearer, the male seeks medical advice from the large female. Instead, she sticks him with needles and sucks out his blood. "What a bitch," thinks the male.

  • Narrator: She allows him to taste of the infant's milk checking for poisons or impurities on behalf of the child.

  • Narrator: The male and female feed on a meal of dead earth creature and vegetation.

  • The Female: [giving birth] Get away from me, you bastard! "I'll pull out" my ass! Fuck you! Fuckin' prick!

    Narrator: And at long last, the female experiences the joy and pleasure of birth.

    The Female: Oh GOD!

    Narrator: It is a euphoric experience for her. Having had to suffer the pain of orgasm, she is now entitled to reap nature's reward.

    The Female: Fuckin' piece of shit!

    Narrator: It is a state of ecstacy the male will never enjoy.

  • narrator: A Spanish biogynaecologist, Dr De la Pena,achieved the non-sexual reproduction of six identical parakeets for the first time.

  • Narrator: Angel, a monument to unholy carnality, and a cesspool of marital pollution, a shameless, brazen, bulldozing female prepared to humiliate, provoke, and tantalize, savagely seeking the tranquilizer of unrestrained fulfillment.

  • [first lines]

    narrator: Welcome to the Jeffers Corporation, the largest and friendliest and most profitable corporation in the history of mankind.

    George: [gives middle finger to wall portrait] Good morning Mr. Jeffers.

    Michelle: [arrives giving middle-finger-salute] Jeffers morning.

    George: [returns middle-finger-salute] Jeffers morning.

  • Narrator: Comrade lovers, for your health's sake, fuck freely!

  • Narrator: The city hadn't changed, but Alessandra had. And I didn't know it yet.

  • Narrator: Little by little, I became jealous. Only now do I see how that stopped me from reasoning clearly. I ought to have understood that all this was only the consequence of the end of the world.

  • [opening sequence; two dinosaurs fighting]

    Narrator: What you're looking at is downtown Pittsburgh, one million B.C. Those two big guys are fighting for a parking space. This is where our story begins. If they could have just learned to live together like decent human beings, they'd still be around and there never would have been an energy crisis. But they died out, and what was left of them turned into fossil fuel... Oil. See, it's not cute when eleven tons gets cranky. Their problem was they were all teeth and no brain...

    [Shot of President Jimmy Carter]

    Narrator: ...which brings us to this guy. Jimmy Carter was President of the United States when everybody started to notice we were running out of dead dinosaurs. No more gas to run our cars. Fights at the pump. People getting nozzle-whipped. So what was his solution? He made a speech.

    President Jimmy Carter: The energy crisis has not yet overwhelmed us. But it will, if we do not act quickly.

    Narrator: We didn't. When America finally ran out of gas, an angry mob broke into the White House and lynched him. Along with three or four of his snottier cabinet members.

  • Narrator: Everyone all across the country was watching the telethon. From what was left of New York, to the first all-gay state, North Dakota. All eyes were glued to their sets...

    [shot of men at stand-up urinals watching television]

    Narrator: ...which in some cases, ruined a lot of good shoes.

  • Narrator: President Roosevelt was a successful graduate of EST, Scientology, TM and Primal Grope Therapy. And he was elected on a platform unique in American political history: "I'm not a schmuck!" Even though that was Chet's only campaign promise, it looked like it would be a tough one to keep.

  • Narrator: I've always loved the night and darkness. I'm delighted to speak to you in the dark, as if seated right beside you - and perhaps I am.

  • Narrator: [Introducing "Le Masque"] The crowd flooded in like water into a dam. Regulars from all over Paris, of every class, came for rough, boisterous fun and debauchery. There were shop clerks, pimps, and above all, girls, dressed in the roughest cotton to the finest batiste. Rich old diamond-laden women chasing their youth and poor young girls desparate to have fun, meet men, and spend money. Men in tails, after young flesh deflowered but still desirable, prowled the excited crowd, on the hunt, sniffing out the scent.

  • Narrator: [Introducing "La Maison Tellier"] Would you like something more cheerful and warm-hearted, even a bit bawdy? A fairy tale for grown ups?

  • Narrator: [Introducing "La Maison Tellier"] How can I put it without shocking you? It was one of the "houses" - - but very well run. Men went there every night like they'd go to a café . The same six or eight would meet. Respectable men - - shopkeepers, young men of the town, They'd drink and flirt with the girls or talk to Madame, whom everyone respected.

  • [First lines]

    Narrator: This is Colonel John "Shorty" Powers in Lunar Launch Control. This story takes place near the turn of the century -not the last century, the *next* century. Nothing very much has happened since the 1960's: There as still a United Nations, and peace in the world... or at least what we have come to accept as "peace".

  • Narrator: The guitar as we know it today, came about as a result of many types of earlier stringed instruments. There was first the harp, the lute, then the zither, and mandolin. The guitar is a very sensitive instrument, with "G" being the third string, and is played over a system of frets. Sensitive men have been fretting over G-strings for years!

  • Narrator: Avoiding the dentist for 3 years will come back to haunt you.

  • Narrator: Lester gritted his teeth. Ramona had a life before him.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The following is a true story. The people are actual people. Their names are their actual names. Everything has been thoroughly researched and verified.

  • Narrator: He is in intensive care following a self-inflicted knife wound to the back.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On a lonely pine-clad hill overlooking the Hudson, stood the grotesque mansion of an eccentric millionaire...

  • Narrator: There were no atomic bombs or guided missiles. Then it was only cannon, bayonets and poisoned gas. Ha ha. Those were the good old days.

  • Narrator: Santa is not afraid of that dog!

  • Narrator: Away up in the heavens, far out in space, in a beautiful gold and crystal palace right above the North Pole, lives a kind and jolly old gentleman. Santa Claus.

  • Narrator: This is Santa's Magic Observatory. What wonderful intstruments! The Ear Scope! The Teletalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus!

  • Narrator: Give a Major Swindon enough rope, and he'll always hang somebody.

  • Narrator: Tryin' to talk and hear at the same time is like tryin' to eat and kiss; it's a mess!

  • Narrator: But when ruthless and desperate men are at work, there are always the innocent who suffer.

  • Narrator: When you're young, you'll believe anything. Spinaze will give you muscles, your father is the strongest man in Holland and Sinterklaas is real. But there will be a day that you look at the mans shoes and think... wait a minute, those are my fathers shoes. You always suspected something like that but it's all getting through to you now. It's nonsence to believe there's a man with a long white beard in Spain who takes the boat to Holland every year to put something in your shoe. And another thing, spinaze won't give you muscles, The Netherland will never win the world cup and you won't marry your teacher. You will get older and more miserable. The only moments in life that you feel the same like you did back then are the moments you love someone. Truly love someone. Everything that is stupid or hurts falls away. Love is all and we have to keep believing that. So what if we all together decided; Sinterklaas is real. We'll still know that we'll have to buy the presents ourselves but it's the thought that counts. That we keep believing that it can still work out for us, with love. Because love is like Sinterklaas, you have to believe it, because else it's all lost.

  • Narrator: Yes, dear viewer, Detochkin never took the money. While he is a thief, he is a selfless and honest person.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Henceforth the two brothers slept for an eternity, believing the brain, in decay, functioned beyond death, and its dreams are what constitute Paradise.

  • Narrator: General Sherman said, "War is hell." "Worse than that," Sam said, "The pay's bad."

  • Narrator: About fifteen minutes have passed since we last left our characters. Joe Gage volunteered to take Smithers' dead body outside. Straws were drawn to see who'd help him... O.B. lost. Chris, John Ruth and Oswaldo had a vigorous debate about the legality of the self-defense murder that just transpired. Major Marquis Warren, who was supremely confident about the legality of what just transpired ignored them, sat by himself at the table and drank brandy. Captain Chris Mannix donned the dead General's coat and joined Oswaldo in lighting the candles and lanterns. John Ruth held the door closed while waiting for Joe Gage and O.B. To return. Bob enjoyed a Manzana Roja. Domergue, however, hasn't moved from her spot at the community dinner table since John Ruth uncuffed her. Let's go back a bit... Fifteen minutes ago, Major Warren shot General Smithers in front of everybody. But, about forty seconds before THAT, something equally important happened... but not everybody saw it. While Major Warren was captivating the crowd with tales of Black Dicks in White Mouths, Somebody... poisoned the coffee. And the only one to see him do it, was Domergue. That's why this chapter is called; DOMERGUE's GOT A SECRET.

  • Narrator: He still had enough perfume left to enslave the whole world if he so chose. He could walk to Versailles and have the king kiss his feet. He could write the pope a perfumed letter and reveal himself as the new Messiah. He could do all this, and more, if he wanted to. He possessed a power stronger than the power of money, or terror, or death - the invincible power to command the love of man kind. There was only one thing the perfume could not do. It could not turn him into a person who could love and be loved like everyone else. So, to hell with it he thought. To hell with the world. With the perfume. With himself.

  • Narrator: For the first time in his life, Grenouille realized that he had no smell of his own. He realized that all his life he had been a nobody to everyone. What he now felt was the fear of his own oblivion. It was as though he did not exist.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Within no time, Jean-Baptiste Grenouille had disappeared from the face of the earth. When they had finished, they felt a virginal glow of happiness. For the first time in their lives, they believed they had done something purely out of love.

  • Narrator: Thus... the first sound to escape Grenouille's lips sent his mother to the gallows.

  • Narrator: When Jean-Baptiste did finally learn to speak he soon found that everyday language proved inadequate for all the olfactory experiences accumulating within himself.

  • Narrator: In the period of which we speak, there reigned in the cities a stench barely conceivable to us modern men and women. Naturally, the stench was foulest in Paris, for Paris was the largest city in Europe. And nowhere in Paris was that stench more profoundly repugnant than in the city's fish-market. It was here then, on the most putrid spot in the whole kingdom, that Jean-Baptiste Grenouille was born on the 17th of July, 1738. It was his mother's fifth birth: she delivered them all here under her fish-stand, and all had been stillbirths or semi-stillbirths. And by evening the whole mess had been shoveled away with the fish-guts into the river. It would be much the same today, but then... Jean-Baptiste chose differently.

  • Narrator: How could she ever hate them for what was at bottom merely their weakness? She would probably have done things like those to be fallen her if she had lived in one of these houses. To measure them by her own yardstick as her father put it. Would she not, in all honesty, have done the same as Chuck and Vera and Ben and Mrs Henson and Tom and all these people in their houses? Grace paused. - - - And all of a sudden she knew the answer to her question all too well. If she had acted like them she could not have defended a single one of her actions and could not have condemned them harshly enough. It was as if her sorrow and pain finally assumed their rightful place. No. What they had done was not good enough. And if one had the power to put it to right it was one's duty to do so - for the sake of other towns, for the sake of humanity. And not least for the sake of the human being that was grace herself.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Whether Grace left Dogville, or on the contrary Dogville had left her - and the world in general - is a question of a more artful nature that few would benefit from by asking, and even fewer by providing an answer. And nor indeed will it be answered here.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is the sad tale of the township of Dogville. Dogville was in the Rocky Mountains in the US of A, up here where the road came to its definitive end, near the entrance to the old abandoned silver mine. The residents of Dogville were good honest folks, and they liked their township. And while a sentimental soul from the East Coast had once dubbed their main street Elm Street, though no elm had ever cast its shadow in Dogville, they saw no reason to change anything. Most of the buildings were pretty wretched, more like shacks, frankly. The house in which Tom lived was the best, though, and in good times, might almost have passed for presentable. That afternoon, the radio was playing softly, for in his dotage, Thomas Edison senior had developed a weakness for music of the lighter kind.

  • Narrator: [as McKay explores even further with his hand] It was not Grace's pride that kept her going during the days when fall came and the trees were losing their leaves, but more of a trance like state that descends on animals whose lives are threatened - a state in which the body reacts mechanically in a low tough gear, without too much painful reflection. Like a patient passively letting his disease hold sway.

  • Narrator: It was as if the light, previously so merciful and faint, finally refused to cover up for the town any longer. Suddenly you could no longer imagine a berry that would appear one day on a gooseberry bush, but only see the thorn that was there right now. The light now penetrated every unevenness and floor in the buildings and... in the people.

  • Narrator: And then it was as if Dogville just waited. Even the wind dropped, leaving the town in an unfamiliar calm. As if somebody had put a large cheese dish cover over it, and created the kind of quietness that descends while you're awaiting visitors.

  • Narrator: Grace paused. And while she did, the clouds scattered and let the moonlight through and Dogville underwent another of those little changes of light. It was if the light, previously so merciful and faint, finally refused to cover up for the town any longer. Suddenly you could no longer imagine a berry that would appear one day on a gooseberry bush, but only see the thorn that was there right now. The light now penetrated every unevenness and flaw in the buildings and... in the people! And all of a sudden she knew the answer to her question all to well: if she had acted like them, she could not have defended a single one of her actions and could not have condemned them harshly enough.

  • Narrator: [as Grace attempts to make her case] If forgiveness was close at hand in the mission house, they were all hiding it well. It hadn't been easy for Tom to get them there. Appealing to consciences stowed farther and farther away by their owners every day, as if they were as fragile as Henson's glasses after polishing, proved quite a task. But if one was going, the others might as well come along too, so nobody could talk behind anybody's back.

  • NARRATOR: [narrating first lines] there are an estimated eight million people in the five boroughs in New York, twelve million in the greater metropolitan area. There are almost 10 million telephone exchange lines, over fifty phone services. Three million New Yorkers are cell phone users. It used to be a mark of insanity to see people talk to themselves now it's a mark of status, and speed dial is quickly replacing the drop of a coin. Despite an increase usage of cellular devices, an estimated four and a half million residents and two million visitors still utilize payphones on a regular basis. This is the telephone booth on 53rd and 8th, perhaps the last vestige of privacy on Manhattan's west side. It's the last booth of its type, still in regular operation. Three hundred calls originate here on a daily basis. This location has been burglarized forty-one times in the last six months. Version has scheduled this structure to be torn down and replaced with a kiosk as of 8am tomorrow. Hardly two blocks away, meet the man who will be the final operator of that booth.

  • [first lines]

    [subtitled version]

    Narrator: Man... probably the most mysterious species on our planet. A mystery of unanswered questions. Who are we? Where do we come from? Where are we going? How do we know what we think we know? Why do we believe anything at all? Countless questions in search of an answer... an answer that will give rise to a new question... and the next answer will give rise to the next question and so on. But, in the end, isn't it always the same question? And always the same answer?

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: At exactly 3:45 on that Saturday afternoon in the last week of September, Marvin Unger was, perhaps, the only one among the hundred thousand people at the track who felt no thrill at the running of the fifth race. He was totally disinterested in horse racing and held a lifelong contempt for gambling. Nevertheless, he had a $5 win bet on every horse in the fifth race. He knew, of course, that this rather unique system of betting would more than likely result in a loss, but he didn't care. For after all, he thought, what would the loss of twenty or thirty dollars mean in comparison to the vast sum of money ultimately at stake.

  • [Death Opens No Door: shown in block letters on black screen]

    Narrator: Death isn't much of anything in the end. We make such a big deal out of it. But up close, it's like nothing. A body without life, nothing more. People are like animals. You love them, you bury them and then it's over. Still, it's my first time seeing it. Hers too. But she seems all upset. Yet there's nothing to get all mushy over. All right, yeah. I'll walk her home. She looks fragile. Besides... she's pretty.

  • [after the opening bar scene, the title sequence begins with the following in block letters: Les Cinemas de la Zone present the tragedy of a jobless butcher struggling to survive in the bowels of his nation]

    [SEUL CONTRE TOUS, literally, Alone Against All, is displayed one word at a time as the narrator begins]

    Narrator: To each his own life, to each his own Morality. My life?

    [Various photographs, relevant to the narration are displayed, as the narrator continues]

    Narrator: There's nothing to it. It's the life of a sorry chump. They should write that someday. The story of a man like so many others, as common as can be. It starts off in France, shithole of cheese and Nazi lovers. Our man is born near Paris in 1939. In '41 his mother abandons him. He'll never see her again. At the War's end, he finally finds our who his father was. A French Communist killed in a German death camp. He's now six years old. Inner turmoil is part of him. Meanwhile, an educator nabs his innocence in the name of Jesus. At the age of 14, driven by survival, he learns to be a butcher. For ten years he works around saving up penny after penny to pay for his market place. At 30, he succeeds and sets up shop in Aubervilliers. After a rough couple of years, his horsemeat trade gains momentum.

    Narrator: At last he can start living. He dates a young worker and bursts her hymen at the Hotel of the Future across the street from the factory she works in. But events precipitate. Nine months later, he fathers a baby girl, Cynthia, rejected by the mother. She abandons them and he's forced to raise his daughter on his own. Years go by. The meat market struggles on. The butcher pays installments on a small flat. He raises his daughter, who's locked in muteness.

    Narrator: She reaches puberty. She takes on shapes. The father, unwilling bachelor, must resist temptation. And that's when tragedy strikes. The young girl has her first period.

    Narrator: Stricken by an unfamiliar pain, she heads for her father's shop. A worker tries to seduce her on her way over. A neighbor spots them and takes the girl to her father. Seeing blood on her skirt, he can only think of rape. He grabs a knife and takes off after the criminal. On a nearby construction site he sees another worker. The butcher stabs his knife into his face. The innocent man survives, the butcher winds up in jail and his daughter is placed in an institution. He writes a few letters to her. Months go by. The butcher is forced to give up his flat and shop. He's out of jail, but all is lost.

    Narrator: To survive, he takes a job in a bar. He becomes the matron's lover. She gets pregnant and offers to sell her bar to start over from scratch, in another city. With the proceeds, she can afford to lease a meat market. Having no other choice, the man accepts.

    Narrator: For the first time, he visits his daughter. He tells her goodbye. She watches him leave without a word. The next morning, he drives out of Paris with the matron hoping to escape the dark tunnel of his existence.

    Narrator: They reach Lille and stay with the matron's mother, waiting to find a flat and shop of their own. Unlike his native Paris, streets in northern France seem sad and deserted. For the first time in his life, he feels like a stranger. Images of his dead father, a deportee, rise to the surface.

    Narrator: But the butcher, like every man, is a being of pure survival. He decides to forget his past & his betrayal of his daughter. And his love for her. Well, Love is a mighty big word. Few can claim to know what Love is.

  • Narrator: Sometimes in a man's life stuff happens that makes everyone go quiet. So quiet that no one even dares talk about it. Not to anyone, not even to themselves. Not in their head and not out loud. Not a fucking word. Cos everything has somehow got stuck. There, deep in the fields, under the trees and the leaves, year after year. Then, suddenly it all comes back. Just like that, from one day to the next. No matter how long ago it was, there will always be someone to bring it all back. Because no matter what you do or think, one thing is for sure. You're always fucked. Now, tomorrow, next week or next year, until the end of time. Fucked.

  • Narrator: And when the sun went down... there was an eery, ghostly appearance to this town.

  • Narrator: Texarkana looked normal during the daylight hours. But everyone dreaded sundown...

  • Narrator: Texarkana today still looks pretty much the same. And if you should ask people on the street what they believe happened to the Phantom Killer, most would say that he is still living here... and is walking free.

  • Narrator: People were afraid to walk in front of their windows after the sun went down. Newspapers stopped making early morning deliveries, with newspaper boys waiting until daylight to make their rounds, and Western Union stopped making night deliveries. Over 150 police cars now cruised the dark streets, alleys, parks and parking areas of Texarkana from darkness until dawn in the most intense manhunt ever mounted in the southwest: Friday, May 25th, Saturday May 26th, and Sunday, May 27th, the target dates for his regular 3 week strikes came and passed with nothing happening. The manhunt intensified, 9 different police organizations now had officers in marked and unmarked patrol cars now operating in the Texarkana area.

  • Narrator: [voiceover] That's right - the dove of peace was a pigeon. A dead pigeon.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: There are eight million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them.

  • Narrator: Another day, another ball of fire rising in the summer sky. The city is quiet now, but it will soon be pounding with activity. This time yesterday, Jean Dexter was just another pretty girl, but now she's the marmalade on 10,000 pieces of toast.

  • Narrator: 1929. As the dizzy decade nears its end, the country is stock market crazy. The great and the humble... the rich man and the working man... the housewife and the shop girl. All take their daily flyer in the market, and no one seems to lose. Then like a bombshell comes that never-to-be-forgotten Black Tuesday, October 29. Confusion spreads throught the canyons of New York's financial district. And men stare wild-eyed at the spectacle of complete ruin. More than 16 and a half million shares change hands in a single day of frenzied selling. The paper fortunes built up over the last few years crumble into nothing before this disaster which is to touch every man woman and child in America.

  • Narrator: [Opening lines - various clips of 1930's news footages are shown] Today, while the earth shakes beneath the heels of marching troops, while a great portion of the world trembles before the threats of acquisitive power-mad men, we of America have little time to remember an astounding era in our own recent history. An era which will grow more and more incredible with each passing generation until someday people will say it never could have happened at all. April, 1918: almost a million American young men are engaged in a struggle which, they have been told, will make the world safe for democracy.

    [Scene switches to World War I battlefield action, somewhere in France]

  • Narrator: On the bus, the air was so thick, he felt woozy. A wailing infant shook with tears and the woman beside him reeked with the stink of cheap perfume.

  • Narrator: And so the tedious quest went on. Sergeant Brennan wore out his shoes and his patience going from police station to police station, checking photos until his eyes were blurry. For police work is not all glamour and excitement and glory. There are days and days of routine, of tedious probing, of tireless searching. Fruitless days. Days when nothing goes right, when it seems as if no one could ever think his way through the maze of baffling trails a criminal leaves. But the answer to that is persistence and the hope that sooner or later something will turn up, some tiny lead that can grow into a warm trail and point to the cracking of a case.

  • Narrator: [referring to the composite sketch] They showed that picture to the inmates of jails and prisons, to men with a wide acquaintance among the cat burglars and the violence boys. Informers and con men and sharpshooters were quizzed. Those on the fringe of crime and those deep in the rackets. Many wanted to help; nobody could. No one in the underworld recognized that mysterious face. He was as unknown as if he had lived in the 16th Century.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In seventeen-hundred and seventy, Captain Cook discovered Australia. Sixty years later, the city of Sydney, the capital of New South Wales, had grown on the edge of three million square miles of unknown land. The colony exported raw materials. It imported material even more raw - prisoners, many of them unjustly convicted, who were to be shaped into the pioneers of a great dominion. In eighteen-hundred and thirty-one King William the Fourth sent a new governor to rule the colony. And now our story begins.

  • Narrator: [First lines] Impact, the force with which two lives come together. Sometimes for good, sometimes for evil.

  • Narrator: You're alone. But you don't mind that. You're a loner. That's the way it should be. You've always been alone. By now it's your trademark. You like it that way.

  • Narrator: If you want a woman, buy one. In the dark, so she won't remember your face.

  • [opening narration]

    Narrator: Remembering out of the black silence, you were born in pain.

  • Narrator: When the Better Business Bureau rings the Christmas bell, the suckers forget there's such a business as murder, and businessmen who make it their exclusive line.

  • Narrator: They all hate the gun they hire. When people look at you, baby boy Frankie Bono, they see death. Death across the counter.

  • Narrator: You'll know him by the hate in his eye when he asks for a light.

  • Narrator: You know the type. Second-string syndicate boss with too much ambition and a mustache to hide the fact he has lips like a woman. The kind of face you hate.

  • Narrator: You don't have to know a man to live with him. But you have to know a man like a brother to kill him.

  • Narrator: You get a feeling this is how it was meant to be. Like you are Troiano's fate. Like you're God.

  • [closing narration]

    Narrator: "God moves in mysterious ways," they said. Maybe he is on your side, the way it all worked out. Remembering other Christmases, wishing for something, something important, something special. And this is it, baby boy Frankie Bono. You're alone now. All alone. The scream is dead. There's no pain. You're home again, back in the cold, black silence.

  • Narrator: A killer who doesn't kill gets killed.

  • Narrator: Hummingbirds are continuously hours away from starving to death, and are able to store just enough energy to survive overnight.

  • Narrator: At last they were ready. They met on Belle Isle to quiz each other for the most important examination of their lives. They had to know all the answers. Failure to do so would mean a bad grade later on in the shape of a bullet or an ice pick.

  • Narrator: The Germans felt that Dietrich was an extremely valuable man... so did the FBI.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Although prima facie was enough to sue Wong Chi Hang for murdering Cheng Lam's family, the Macau cops couldn't sue him successfully because he had a strong attempt to commit suicide. He prefered killing himself that being judged. The file of the tragedy of Pat Sin Restaurant has been forced to be closed.

  • Narrator: [first lines]

    Narrator: The action takes place in the south of France, a Latin region where, destroying the spirit of Babel, nature knows full well tto achieve the fusion of the races.

  • Narrator: Los Angeles, 5 AM. In another few hours, most of the 4 million people in the county will be going to work. Those are the Hollywood Hills and that's The Strip. It's just a piece of land that runs a mile and a half through Hollywood. The Sheriff's office watches over it.

  • Narrator: God's clock isn't set like ours is.

  • Narrator: The path of the righteous man and defender is beset on all sides by the iniquity of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the father of lost children. And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious anger, who poison and destroy my brothers; and they shall know that I am Chiba the Bodyguard when I shall lay my vengeance upon them!

    [Ezekial 25:17]

  • Narrator: I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: You met me at a very strange time in my life.

  • Narrator: This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

  • Narrator: [about the soap] Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.

  • Narrator: Well, what do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you?

    Tyler Durden: C'mon, do me this one favor.

    Narrator: Why?

    Tyler Durden: Why? I don't know why; I don't know. Never been in a fight. You?

    Narrator: No, but that's a good thing.

    Tyler Durden: No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself, you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die without any scars. So come on; hit me before I lose my nerve.

    Narrator: This is crazy.

    Tyler Durden: So go crazy. Let 'er rip.

    Narrator: I don't know about this.

    Tyler Durden: I don't either. Who gives a shit? No one's watching. What do you care?

    Narrator: Whoa, wait, this is crazy. You want me to hit you?

    Tyler Durden: That's right.

    Narrator: What, like in the face?

    Tyler Durden: [beat] Surprise me.

    Narrator: This is so fucking stupid...

    [Narrator swings, connects against Tyler's head]

    Tyler Durden: Motherfucker! You hit me in the ear!

    Narrator: Well, Jesus, I'm sorry.

    Tyler Durden: Ow, Christ... why the ear, man?

    Narrator: Guess I fucked it up...

    Tyler Durden: No, that was perfect!

  • Narrator: If I did have a tumor, I'd name it Marla.

  • Narrator: You're making a big mistake, fellas!

    Police Officer: You said you would say that.

    Narrator: I'm not Tyler Durden!

    Police Officer: You told us you'd say that, too.

    Narrator: All right then, I'm Tyler Durden. Listen to me, I'm giving you a direct order. We're aborting this mission right now.

    Police Officer: You said you would definitely say that.

  • Tyler Durden: [pointing at an emergency instruction manual on a plane] You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?

    Narrator: So you can breathe.

    Tyler Durden: Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.

    Narrator: That's, um... That's an interesting theory.

  • Narrator: When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.

  • Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

  • Narrator: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one.

    Business woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?

    Narrator: You wouldn't believe.

    Business woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?

    Narrator: A major one.

  • Narrator: [while brutally beating Angel Face] I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke.

  • [Poem on Narrator's computer]

    Narrator: Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave.

  • Narrator: When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just...

    Marla Singer: instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?

  • Narrator: I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

  • Richard Chesler: [Reading a piece of paper] The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club?

    Narrator: [Voice-over] I'm half asleep again; I must've left the original in the copy machine.

    Richard Chesler: The second rule of Fight Club - is this yours?

    Narrator: Huh?

    Richard Chesler: Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?

    Narrator: [pauses] Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that... is dangerous.

    [Gets up from the chair]

    Narrator: [Talking slowly] And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.

    Narrator: [Voice-over] Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.

    [Snatches the piece of paper from boss' hands]

    Narrator: [Voice-over] And I used to be such a nice guy.

    Narrator: Or maybe you shouldn't bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.

    [Phone rings]

    Narrator: [Into phone] Compliance and Liability...?

    Marla Singer: My tit's gonna rot off.

    Narrator: [to boss] Would you excuse me? I need to take this.

  • Tyler Durden: Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!

    Narrator: OK. Give me some water!

    Tyler Durden: Listen, you can run water over your hand and make it worse or...


    Tyler Durden: Look at me... or you can use vinegar and neutralize the burn.

    Narrator: Please let me have it... *Please*!

    Tyler Durden: First you have to give up, first you have to *know*... not fear... *know*... that someday you're gonna die.

  • Narrator: If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

  • Narrator: Is Tyler my bad dream? Or am I Tyler's?

  • Tyler Durden: It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car.

    Narrator: There's always that.

  • Narrator: [reading] I am Jack's colon.

    Tyler Durden: I get cancer, I kill Jack.

  • Narrator: Every evening I died, and every evening I was born again, resurrected.

  • Narrator: Tyler, what the fuck is going on here?

    Tyler Durden: I ask you for one thing, one simple thing.

    Narrator: Why do people think that I'm you? Answer me!

    Tyler Durden: Sit.

    Narrator: Now answer me, why do people think that I'm you.

    Tyler Durden: I think you know.

    Narrator: No, I don't.

    Tyler Durden: Yes, you do. Why would anyone possibly confuse you with me?

    Narrator: Uh... I... I don't know.

    [Random flashbacks]

    Tyler Durden: You got it.

    Narrator: No.

    Tyler Durden: Say it.

    Narrator: Because...

    Tyler Durden: Say it.

    Narrator: Because we're the same person.

    Tyler Durden: That's right.

  • Narrator: And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.

  • Narrator: Oh, it's late. Hey, thanks for the beer.

    Tyler Durden: Yeah, man.

    Narrator: I should find a hotel.

    Tyler Durden: [in disbelief] What?

    Narrator: What?

    Tyler Durden: A hotel?

    Narrator: Yeah.

    Tyler Durden: Just ask, man.

    Narrator: What are you talking about?

    Tyler Durden: [laughs] Three pitchers of beer, and you still can't ask.

    Narrator: What?

    Tyler Durden: You call me because you need a place to stay.

    Narrator: Oh, hey, no, no, no, I didn't mean...

    Tyler Durden: Yes, you did. So just ask. Cut the foreplay and just ask.

    Narrator: Would - would that be a problem?

    Tyler Durden: Is it a problem for you to ask?

    Narrator: Can I stay at your place?

    Tyler Durden: Yeah.

  • Narrator: Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life, okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed, it was ME!


    Narrator: I'd like to thank the Academy...

  • Narrator: Marla's philosophy of life is that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.

  • [while burning the Narrator's hand with lye]

    Tyler Durden: Shut up! Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?

    Narrator: No, no, I... don't...

    Tyler Durden: Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.

    Narrator: It isn't?

    Tyler Durden: We don't need him!

  • Narrator: I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more.

  • Narrator: It's called a changeover. The movie goes on, and nobody in the audience has any idea.

  • Narrator: Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.

  • Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvet is?

    Narrator: It's a comforter...

    Tyler Durden: It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?

    Narrator: ...Consumers?

    Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We're the by-products of a lifestyle obsession.

  • Narrator: Bob is dead, they shot him in the head!

    Tyler Durden: You wanna make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.

  • Narrator: I am Jack's smirking revenge.

  • Marla Singer: I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.

    Narrator: It was worth every penny.

    Marla Singer: It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam, it's on the side of the road.

    [Grabs Narrator's crotch]

    Marla Singer: Tinsel still clinging to it. Like a sex crime victim. Underwear inside out. Bound with electrical tape.

    Narrator: Well, then it suits you.

    Marla Singer: You can borrow it sometime.

  • Narrator: With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything's far away. Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy.

  • Tyler Durden: Where'd you go, psycho boy?

    Narrator: I felt like destroying something beautiful.

  • Marla Singer: ...Condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night... then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.

    Narrator: What?

  • Narrator: This is crazy...

    Tyler Durden: People do it everyday, they talk to themselves... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it.

  • [meeting aboard an airliner]

    Narrator: What do you do for a living?

    Tyler Durden: Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?

  • Narrator: You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

  • Tyler Durden: My dad never went to college, so it was real important that I go.

    Narrator: Sounds familiar.

    Tyler Durden: So I graduate, I call him up long distance, I say "Dad, now what?" He says, "Get a job."

    Narrator: Same here.

    Tyler Durden: Now I'm 25, make my yearly call again. I say Dad, "Now what?" He says, "I don't know, get married."

    Narrator: I can't get married, I'm a 30 year old boy.

    Tyler Durden: We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

  • Narrator: Marla... the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.

  • Narrator: If I didn't say anything, people always assumed the worst.

  • Narrator: I am Jack's wasted life.

  • Narrator: [Tyler steers the car into the opposite lane and accelerates] What are you doing?

    Tyler Durden: Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?

    Ricky: Paint a self-portrait.

    The Mechanic: Build a house.

    Tyler Durden: [to Narrator] And you?

    Narrator: I don't know. Turn the wheel now, come on!

    Tyler Durden: You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?

    Narrator: I don't know, I wouldn't feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say? Fine. Come on!

    Tyler Durden: Not good enough.

  • Narrator: Tyler, I'm grateful to you; for everything that you've done for me. But this is too much. I don't want this.

    Tyler Durden: What do you want? Wanna go back to the shit job, fuckin' condo world, watching sitcoms? Fuck you, I won't do it.

  • Narrator: [to Tyler, while looking at a Calvin Klein-esque ad on the bus] Is that what a real man is supposed to look like?

  • Tyler Durden: [the Narrator is trying to disarm a car bomb of nitroglycerin] You don't know which wire to pull.

    Narrator: I know everything you do, so if you know I know.

    Tyler Durden: Or maybe, since I knew you'd know I spent all days thinking about the wrong wires.

    [Narrator pauses]

  • Narrator: I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

  • Richard Chesler: Get the fuck out of here, you're fired!

    Narrator: I have a better solution. You keep me on the payroll as an outside consultant and in exchange for my salary, my job will be never to tell people these things that I know. I don't even have to come into the office, I can do this job from home.

  • Narrator: A guy who came to Fight Club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.

  • Narrator: I can't get married - I'm a thirty-year-old boy.

  • Narrator: I am Jack's broken heart.

  • [Tyler and Narrator are discussing ideal opponents]

    Tyler Durden: OK: any historic figure.

    Narrator: I'd fight Gandhi.

    Tyler Durden: Good answer.

    Narrator: How about you?

    Tyler Durden: Lincoln.

    Narrator: Lincoln?

    Tyler Durden: Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

  • Narrator: You had to give it to him: he had a plan. And it started to make sense, in a Tyler sort of way. No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.

  • Narrator: Deja vu - all over again.

  • Tyler Durden: This is your pain. This is your burning hand. It's right here. Look at it.

    Narrator: I'm going to my cave. I'm going to my cave and I'm going to find my power animal.

    Tyler Durden: No! Don't deal with this the way those dead people do. Deal with it the way a living person does.

  • Narrator: I am Jack's cold sweat.

  • Narrator: Was it ticking?

    Airport Security Officer: Actually throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.

    Narrator: Sorry, throwers?

    Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.

    Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?

    Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while...


    Airport Security Officer: it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.

    Narrator: I don't own...

    [Officer waves Narrator off]

  • Narrator: We have front row seats for this theatre of mass destruction. The demolitions committee of Project Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin. In two minutes primary charges will blow base charges and a few square blocks will be reduced to smoldering rubble. I know this, because Tyler knows this.

  • Narrator: I wrote little haiku poems. I emailed them to everyone.

  • [First lines. Tyler points a gun into the Narrator's mouth]

    Narrator: [voiceover] People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.

    Tyler Durden: Three minutes. This is it - ground zero. Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?

    Narrator: ...i... ann... iinn... ff... nnyin...


    Narrator: With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.

    [Tyler removes the gun from the Narrator's mouth]

    Narrator: I can't think of anything.


    Narrator: For a second I totally forgot about Tyler's whole controlled demolition thing and I wonder how clean that gun is.

  • Narrator: I know it seems like I have more than one side sometimes...

    Marla Singer: More than one side? You're Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass!

  • Narrator: When the fight was over, nothing was solved, but nothing mattered. We all felt saved.

  • Narrator: You're insane.

    Tyler Durden: No, you're insane.

  • Narrator: We have just lost cabin pressure.

  • Narrator: Tyler was a night person. While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked. He had one part time job as a projectionist. See, a movie doesn't come all on one big reel. It comes on a few. So someone has to be there to switch the projectors at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins. If you look for it, you can see these little dots come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen.

    Tyler Durden: In the industry, we call them "cigarette burns."

    Narrator: That's the cue for a changeover. He flips the projectors, the movie keeps right on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea.

    Tyler Durden: Why would anyone want this shit job?

    Narrator: Because it affords him other interesting opportunities.

    Tyler Durden: Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.

  • Narrator: You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.

  • Tyler Durden: Now, ancient people found their clothes got cleaner if they washed them at a certain spot in the river. You know why?

    Narrator: No.

    Tyler Durden: Human sacrifices were once made on the hills above this river. Bodies burnt, water speeded through the wood ashes to create lye.

    [holds up a bottle]

    Tyler Durden: This is lye - the crucial ingredient. The lye combined with the melted fat of the bodies, till a thick white soapy discharge crept into the river. May I see your hand, please?

    [Tyler licks his lips until they're gleaming wet - he takes the Narrator's hand and kisses the back of it]

    Narrator: What is this?

    Tyler Durden: This...

    [pours the lye on the Narrator's hand]

    Tyler Durden: ... is chemical burn.

  • Narrator: I had it all. Even the glass dishes with tiny bubbles and imperfections, proof they were crafted by the honest, simple, hard-working indigenous peoples of... wherever.

  • Tyler Durden: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.

    Narrator: Martha Stewart.

    Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns.

  • Tyler Durden: Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?

    Narrator: mumbles...

    Tyler Durden: I'm sorry...

    Narrator: I still can't think of anything.

    Tyler Durden: Ah... flashback humor.

  • Narrator: [looking at a Calvin Klein ad on a bus] Is that what a man looks like?

    Tyler Durden: [laughs] Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction...

  • Tyler Durden: Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?

    Narrator: No, I did not know that; is that true?

    Tyler Durden: That's right... One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.

    Narrator: Really...?

    Tyler Durden: If one were so inclined.

    Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met... see I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving...

    Tyler Durden: Oh I get it, it's very clever.

    Narrator: Thank you.

    Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?

    Narrator: What?

    Tyler Durden: Being clever.

    Narrator: Great.

    Tyler Durden: Keep it up then... Right up.

    [Gets up from airplane seat]

    Tyler Durden: Now a question of etiquette; as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch...?

  • Narrator: Bob loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too. Being there, pressed against his tits, ready to cry. This was my vacation... and she ruined *everything*.

    Marla Singer: This is cancer, right?

    Narrator: This chick Marla Singer did not have testicular cancer. She was a liar. She had no diseases at all. I had seen her at Free and Clear, my blood parasite group Thursdays. Then at Hope, my bi-monthly sickle cell circle. And again at Seize the Day, my tuberculous Friday night. Marla... the big tourist. Her lie reflected my lie. Suddenly, I felt nothing. I couldn't cry, so once again I couldn't sleep.

  • Narrator: When deep space exploration ramps up, it'll be the corporations that name everything, the IBM Stellar Sphere, the Microsoft Galaxy, Planet Starbucks.

  • Richard Chesler: Is that your blood?

    Narrator: Some of it, yeah.

  • Marla Singer: There are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny, you're... spectacular in bed... But you're intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help.

    Narrator: I know, and I'm sorry...

    Marla Singer: Yeah, you're sorry, I'm sorry, everybody's sorry, but... I can't do this anymore. I can't. And I won't. I'm gone.

  • Narrator: Bob had bitch tits.

  • Tyler Durden: [the Narrator places the gun under his chin and cocks back the hammer] Now why would you want to go and blow your head off?

    Narrator: Not my head, Tyler, *our* head.

  • Narrator: Clean food, please.

    Waiter: In that case, sir, may I advise against the lady eating clam chowder?

    Narrator: No clam chowder, thank you.

  • Narrator: What do you do?

    Tyler Durden: What do you mean?

    Narrator: What do you do for a living?

    Tyler Durden: Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?

  • Narrator: I'll tell you: we'll split up the week, okay? You take lymphoma, and tuberculosis...

    Marla Singer: You take tuberculosis. My smoking doesn't go over at all.

    Narrator: Okay, good, fine. Testicular cancer should be no contest, I think.

    Marla Singer: Well, technically, I have more of a right to be there than you. You still have your balls.

    Narrator: You're kidding.

    Marla Singer: I don't know... am I?

    Narrator: No, no! What do you want?

    Marla Singer: I'll take the parasites.

    Narrator: You can't have both the parasites, but while you take the blood parasites...

    Marla Singer: I want brain parasites.

    Narrator: I'll take the blood parasites. But I'm gonna take the organic brain dementia, okay?

    Marla Singer: I want that.

    Narrator: You can't have the whole brain, that's...

    Marla Singer: So far you have four, I only have two!

    Narrator: Okay. Take both the parasites. They're yours. Now we both have three...

    Marla Singer: So, we each have three... that's six. What about the seventh day? I want ascending bowel cancer.

    Narrator: [Narrating] The girl had done her homework.

    Narrator: No. No, I WANT bowel cancer.

    [the clerk gives them both a weird look]

    Marla Singer: That's your favorite too? Tried to slip it by me, eh?

  • Narrator: Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a business trip.

  • [the Narrator's apartment has just been blown to pieces]

    Narrator: I had it all. I had a stereo that was very decent, a wardrobe that was getting very respectable. I was close to being complete.

    Tyler Durden: Shit man, now it's all gone.

  • Narrator: Tyler's not here. Tyler went away. Tyler's gone.

  • Tyler Durden: The salt balance has to be just right, so the best fat for making soap comes from humans.

    Narrator: Wait. What is this place?

    Tyler Durden: A liposuction clinic.

  • Narrator: I want you to listen to me very carefully, Tyler.

    Tyler Durden: Okay...

    Narrator: My eyes are open.

    [the Narrator puts the gun into his mouth and pulls trigger]

  • Narrator: You're fucking Marla, Tyler.

    Tyler Durden: Uh, technically, you're fucking Marla, but it's all the same to her.

  • Tyler Durden: If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?

    Narrator: I'd fight my boss, prob'ly.

    Tyler Durden: Really.

    Narrator: Yeah, why, who would you fight?

    Tyler Durden: I'd fight my dad.

    Narrator: I don't know my dad. I mean, I know him, but... he left when I was like six years old. Married this other woman, had some other kids. He like did this every six years, he goes to a new city and starts a new family.

    Tyler Durden: Fucker's setting up franchises.

  • Narrator: Like so many others, I had become a slave to the Ikea nesting instinct.

  • Narrator: Except for their humping, Tyler and Marla were never in the same room. My parents pulled this exact same act for years.

  • Narrator: I've found a new one. For men *only*.

    Marla Singer: Oh, is it a testicle thing?

  • Tyler Durden: *slaps the Narrator, throws away goggles* Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you, never wanted you, and in all probability, he HATES you. It's not the worst thing that can happen.

    Narrator: It isn't?

    Tyler Durden: We don't NEED Him!

    Narrator: *squirms* We don't - we don't - !

    Tyler Durden: Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We're God's unwanted children, SO BE IT!

  • Narrator: First person that comes out this fucking door gets a... gets a *lead salad*, you understand?

  • Narrator: After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

  • Angel Face: Bury him in the garden. Come on people, let's go!

    Narrator: Get away from him! Get the fuck away!

    Angel Face: He was killed serving Project Mayhem, sir.

    Narrator: This is Bob. He was a decent man, and we're not gonna bury him in the fucking garden!

  • Narrator: How embarrassing... a house full of condiments and no food.

  • Narrator: [voiceover] It must've been Tuesday. He was wearing his cornflower-blue tie.

  • Narrator: What do you want me to do? You want me to hit you?

    Tyler Durden: Come on, do me this one favor.

    Narrator: Why?

    Tyler Durden: Why? I don't know why, I don't know. Never been in a fight, you?

    Narrator: No, but that's a good thing.

    Tyler Durden: No, man it's not. How much can you know yourself if you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die with out any scars.

  • Narrator: What are we doing tonight?

    Tyler Durden: Tonight? We make soap.

    Narrator: Really.

    Tyler Durden: To make soap, first we render fat.

  • Narrator: Most of the week we were Ozzie and Harriet, but every Saturday night we were finding something out: we were finding out more and more that we were not alone. It used to be that when I came home angry and depressed I'd just clean my condo, polish my Scandinavian furniture. I should have been looking for a new condo. I should have been haggling with my insurance company. I should have been upset about my nice, neat, flaming little shit. But I wasn't.

  • [about Tyler splicing frames of pornography into family films]

    Narrator: So when the snooty cat, and the courageous dog, with the celebrity voices meet for the first time in reel three, that's when you'll catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the film.

    [the audience is watching the film, the pornography flashes for a split second]

    Narrator: Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did...

    Tyler Durden: A nice, big cock...

    [several audience members look rattled, a little girl is crying]

    Narrator: Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Tyler at work.

  • Narrator: By the end of the first month, I didn't miss TV.

  • Narrator: I flipped through catalogs and wondered: What kind of dining set defines me as a person?

  • Narrator: Tyler was now involved in a class action lawsuit against the Pressman Hotel over the urine content of their soup.

  • Narrator: I am Jack's raging bile duct.

  • Narrator: Oh, yeah, Chloe... Chloe looked the way Meryl Streep's skeleton would look if you made it smile and walk around the party being extra nice to everybody.

    Chloe: Well, I'm still here. But I don't know for how long. That's as much certainty as anyone can give me. But I've got some good news: I no longer have any fear of death. But... I am in a pretty lonely place. No one will have sex with me. I'm so close to the end, and all I want is to get laid for the last time. I have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants, and amyl nitrite...

    [the group leader takes the mic]

    Group Leader: Thank you, Chloe... everyone, let's thank Chloe.

  • [the narrator pulls a loose tooth out of his mouth]

    Narrator: Fuck.

    Tyler Durden: Hey, even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.

  • Narrator: I got in everyone's hostile little face. Yes, these are bruises from fighting. Yes, I'm comfortable with that. I am enlightened.

  • Narrator: And then, Tyler was gone.

  • Narrator: Hello?

    Tyler Durden: [Eating breakfast cereal] Who is this?

    Narrator: Tyler?

    Tyler Durden: Who is this?

    Narrator: Uh... we met... we met on the airplane. We had the same suitcase. Uh... the clever guy?

    Tyler Durden: Oh yeah, right.


    Tyler Durden: Ok?

    Narrator: I called a second ago, th - there was no answer, I'm at the payphone...

    Tyler Durden: yeah, I *69ed you, I never pick up my phone.

    [Crunch, crunch]

    Tyler Durden: So what's up, huh?

    Narrator: Uh, well... You're not gonna believe this...

  • Narrator: I wasn't really dying. I wasn't host to cancer or parasites. I was the warm little center that the life of this world crowded around.

  • Narrator: It's just, when you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that's it. That's the last sofa I'm gonna need. Whatever else happens, I've got that sofa problem handled.

  • Narrator: Fight Club wasn't about winning or losing. It wasn't about words. The hysterical shouting was in tongues, like at a Pentecostal Church.

  • Narrator: Fuck you! Fuck Fight Club! Fuck Marla! I am sick of all your shit!

  • Narrator: I want bowel cancer.

  • Narrator: He was full of pep. Must've had his grande-latte enema.

  • [after giving Marla a breast exam]

    Marla Singer: I wish I could return the favor.

    Narrator: There's not a lot of breast cancer in the men in my family.

    Marla Singer: I could check your prostate.

  • Narrator: No, you have a house.

    Tyler Durden: Rented in your name.

    Narrator: You have jobs! You have a whole life!

    Tyler Durden: You have night jobs because you can't sleep. Why do you stay up and make soap?

    Narrator: Marla. You're fucking Marla, Tyler.

    Tyler Durden: Ah technically *you're* fucking Marla, but it's all the same to her.

    Narrator: Oh my God.

  • Narrator: [V.O] This is Bob. Bob had bitch tits.

    [Camera pans to a REMAINING MEN TOGETHER sign]

    Narrator: [V.O] This was a support group for men with testicular cancer. The big moosie slobbering all over me... that was Bob.

    Robert 'Bob' Paulson: We're still men.

    Narrator: [slightly muffled due to Bob's enormous breasts] Yes, we're men. Men is what we are.


    Narrator: Eight months ago, Bob's testicles were removed. Then hormone therapy. He developed bitch tits because his testosterone was too high and his body upped the estrogen. And that was where I fit...

    Robert 'Bob' Paulson: They're gonna have to open my pecs again to drain the fluid.

    Narrator: [V.O] Between those huge sweating tits that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big.

  • Narrator: [being embraced by Bob at the group therapy session for Testicular Cancer] Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big rubbery one.

  • [after beating an 'applicant' with a broom]

    Narrator: I'm gonna go inside, and I'm gonna get a shovel.

  • Narrator: Why wasn't I told about Project Mayhem?

    Tyler Durden: What are you talking about?

    Narrator: Why didn't you include me, in the beginning?

    Tyler Durden: Fight Club *was* the beginning.

  • Tyler Durden: If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?

    Narrator: Shatner. I'd fight William Shatner.

  • Narrator: You know what, I really think it's time you got out of here.

    Marla Singer: Oh don't worry, I'm leaving.

    Narrator: Not that we don't enjoy your little visits...

    Marla Singer: You know you are such a nutcase, I can't even begin to keep up!

  • Narrator: I just need to know if you've seen Tyler.

    Proprietor of Dry Cleaners: I'm not disclosed to bespeak any such information to you, nor would I, even if I had said information you want, at this juncture be able

    Narrator: [Resigned] You're a moron.

    Proprietor of Dry Cleaners: [as Narrator is leaving] I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

  • Narrator: He was *the* guerilla terrorist in the food service industry.

    [the Narrator looks at Tyler, who's urinating in a pot]

    Tyler Durden: Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.

    Narrator: Apart from seasoning the lobster bisque, he farted on the meringue, sneezed on braised endive, and as for the cream of mushroom soup, well...

    Tyler Durden: [snickers] Go ahead. Tell 'em.

    Narrator: get the idea.

  • Narrator: Do you want me to deprioritize my current reports until you advise me of a status upgrade?

    Richard Chesler: Yes. Make these your primary action items.

  • Narrator: Home was a condo on the fifteenth floor of a filing cabinet for widows and young professionals. The walls were solid concrete. A foot of concrete is important when your next-door neighbor lets their hearing aid go and have to watch game-shows at full volume. Or when a volcanic blast of debris that used to be your furniture and personal effects blows out of your floor-to-ceiling windows and sails flaming into the night. I suppose these things happen.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the New York Herald, November 26, year 1911, there is an account of the hanging of three men. They died for the murder of Sir Edmund William Godfrey; Husband, Father, Pharmacist and all around gentle-man resident of: Greenberry Hill, London. He was murdered by three vagrants whose motive was simple robbery. They were identified as: Joseph Green, Stanley Berry, and Daniel Hill. Green, Berry, Hill. And I Would Like To Think This was Only A Matter Of Chance. As reported in the Reno Gazette, June of 1983 there is the story of a fire, the water that it took to contain the fire, and a scuba diver named Delmer Darion. Employee of the Peppermill Hotel and Casino, Reno, Nevada. Engaged as a blackjack dealer. Well liked and well regarded as a physical, recreational and sporting sort, Delmer's true passion was for the lake. As reported by the coroner, Delmer died of a heart attack somewhere between the lake and the tree. A most curious side note is the suicide the next day of Craig Hansen. Volunteer firefighter, estranged father of four and a poor tendency to drink. Mr. Hansen was the pilot of the plane that quite accidentally lifted Delmer Darion out of the water. Added to this, Mr. Hansen's tortured life met before with Delmer Darion just two nights previous. The weight of the guilt and the measure of coincidence so large, Craig Hansen took his life. And I Am Trying To Think This Was All Only A Matter Of Chance. The tale told at a 1961 awards dinner for the American Association Of Forensic Science by Dr. Donald Harper, president of the association, began with a simple suicide attempt. Seventeen-year-old Sydney Barringer. In the city of Los Angeles on March 23, 1958. The coroner ruled that the unsuccessful suicide had suddenly become a successful homicide. To explain: The suicide was confirmed by a note, left in the breast pocket of Sydney Barringer. At the same time young Sydney stood on the ledge of this nine-story building, an argument swelled three stories below. The neighbors heard, as they usually did, the arguing of the tenants and it was not uncommon for them to threaten each other with a shotgun, or one of the many handguns kept in the house. And when the shotgun accidentaly went off, Sydney just happend to pass. Added to this, the two tenants turned out to be: Faye and Arthur Barringer. Sydney's mother and Sydney's father. When confronted with the charge, which took some figuring out for the officers on the scene of the crime, Faye Barringer swore that she did not know that the gun was loaded. A young boy who lived in the building, sometimes a visitor and friend to Sydney Barringer, said that he had seen, six days prior, the loading of the shotgun. It seems that the arguing and the fighting and all of the violence was far too much for Sydney Barringer, and knowing his mother and father's tendency to fight, he decided to do something. Sydney Barringer jumps from the ninth floor rooftop. His parents argue three stories below. Her accidental shotgun blast hits Sydney in the stomach as he passes the arguing sixth-floor window. He is killed instantly but continues to fall, only to find, three stories below, a safety net installed three days prior for a set of window washers that would have broken his fall and saved his life if not for the hole in his stomach. So Faye Barringer was charged with the murder of her son, and Sydney Barringer noted as an accomplice in his own death. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of Those Things... " This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time.

  • Narrator: And there is the account of the hanging of three men, and a scuba diver, and a suicide. There are stories of coincidence and chance, of intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows? And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On December 31, 2014, a taxicab traveled through San Francisco, from Chinatown to Marin. The car carried a single passenger: a woman, her birth name Adaline Bowman, current alias Jennifer Larson. This is the first and last chapter of her story.

  • Narrator: As the years passed, Adaline credited her unchanging appearance to a combination of a healthy diet, exercise, heredity, and good luck.

  • Narrator: Ten months after her husband's death, Adaline was driving north to her parents beach cottage where 5 year old Fleming was waiting up for her, when something highly unusual occurred, something almost magical - snow fell in Sonoma County, California. The immersion in the frigid water caused Adaline's body to go into an anoxic reflex, instantly stopping her breathing and slowing her heartbeat. Within 2 minutes, Adaline Bowman's core temperature had dropped to 87 degrees,

    Narrator: At 8:55 a bolt of lightning struck the vehicle discharging half a billion volts of electricity and producing 60,000 amperes of current. Its effect was threefold. First, the charge defibrillated Adaline Bowman's heart. Second, she was jolted out of her anoxic state causing her to draw her first breath in 2 minutes. Third, based on Von Lehman's principle of electron compression in deoxyribonucleic acid - which will be discovered in the year two thousand thirty-five - Adaline Bowman will henceforth be immune to the ravages of time. She will never age another day.

  • Narrator: The moon is responsible for much of what takes place on the surface of the Earth. A stray meteor hit the Moon in 1178. The resulting concussion would cause extreme tides on every lunar phase in Tierra del Fuego, Argentina. A 23% rise in the mean tide on this night produced a storm 2000 miles off the Pacific coast, causing an increase in amount of molecular ionization in the atmosphere. And for the first time in 78 years, snow fell in this part of Sonoma County.

    Narrator: [as Adaline lies near her wreck car] In the first stages of hypothermia, the body will try to generate heat through shivering. When this fails, it would decrease the flow of blood to the extremities. Metabolism slows to a crawl. You're dying, but you don't know it. In the final stages... the victim only breathes once or twice a minute. A state of suspended animation.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The instant Adaline's heart was struck by the defibrillator paddles, the telomere structures in her genes regained their pliability, causing her to resume the natural course of aging. William was right after all, the comet Della C 1981, finally did return. A half century late, but as bright and magnificent as he had predicted.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: With the coming of the Second World War, many eyes in imprisoned Europe turned hopefully, or desperately, toward the freedom of the Americas. Lisbon became the great embarkation point. But, not everybody could get to Lisbon directly, and so a tortuous, roundabout refugee trail sprang up - Paris to Marseilles... across the Mediterranean to Oran... then by train, or auto, or foot across the rim of Africa, to Casablanca in French Morocco. Here, the fortunate ones through money, or influence, or luck, might obtain exit visas and scurry to Lisbon; and from Lisbon, to the New World. But the others wait in Casablanca... and wait... and wait... and wait.

    French officer: To all officers - two German couriers carrying important official documents murdered on train from Oran. Murderer and possible accomplices headed for Casablanca. Round up all suspicious characters and search them for stolen documents. Important.

  • Narrator: We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love, and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them.

  • Narrator: [Narration] In the end we had pieces of the puzzle, but no matter how we put them together, gaps remained. Oddly shaped emptiness mapped by what surrounded them, like countries we couldn't name. What lingered after them was not life, but the most trivial list of mundane facts. A clock ticking on the wall, a room dim at noon, the *outrageousness* of a human being thinking only of herself.

  • Narrator: So much has been said about the girls over the years. But we have never found an answer. It didn't matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls... but only that we had loved them... and that they hadn't heard us calling... still do not hear us calling them from out of those rooms... where they went to be alone for all time... and where we will never find the pieces to put them back together.

  • Narrator: No one could understand how Mrs. Lisbon and Mr. Lisbon, our math teacher, could produce such beautiful creatures.

  • Narrator: What lingered after them was not life, but the most trivial list of mundane facts: a clock ticking on a wall, a room dim at noon, and the outrageousness of a human being thinking only of herself.

  • Narrator: Collecting everything we could of theirs, the Lisbon girls wouldn't leave our minds but they were slipping away. The color of their eyes was fading along with the exact locations... of moles and dimples. From five, they had become four, and they were all the living and the dead, becoming shadows. We would have lost them completely if the girls hadn't contacted us.

  • Narrator: Given Lux's failure to make curfew everyone expected a crackdown, but few anticipated it would be so drastic. The girls were taken out of school, and Mrs. Lisbon shut the house in maximum-security isolation.

  • Narrator: We felt the imprisonment of being a girl.

  • Narrator: In the end, Parkie won because of the Cadillac, Kevin Head because he had the killer weed, and Joe Hill Conley because he won all the school prizes which Trip thought would impress Mr. and Mrs. Lisbon.

  • Narrator: We would never be sure of the sequence of events. We argue about it still.

  • Narrator: We knew that they knew everything about us,and that we couldn't fathom them at all.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Vicky and Cristina decided to spend the summer in Barcelona. Vicky was completing her master's in Catalan Identity, which she had become interested in through her great affection for the architecture of Gaudí. Cristina, who spent the last six months writing, directing, and acting in a 12-minute film which she then hated, had just broken up with yet another boyfriend and longed for a change of scenery. Everything fell into place when a distant relative of Vicky's family who lived in Barcelona offered to put both girls up for July and August. The two best friends had been close since college and shared the same tastes and opinions on most matters, yet when it came to the subject of love, it would be hard to find two more dissimilar viewpoints. Vicky had no tolerance for pain and no lust for combat. She was grounded and realistic. Her requirements in a man were seriousness and stability. She had become engaged to Doug because he was decent and successful and understood the beauty of commitment.

    Vicky: [while talking on her cellphone to Doug] Yeah, I miss you, too.

    Narrator: Cristina, on the other hand, expected something very different out of love. She had reluctantly accepted suffering as an inevitable component of deep passion, and was resigned to putting her feelings at risk. If you asked her what it was she was gambling her emotions on to win, she would not have been able to say. She knew what she didn't want, however, and that was exactly what Vicky valued above all else.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Vicky returned home to have her grand wedding to Doug. To the house they finally planned to settle in. And to lead the life she envisioned for herself, before that summer in Barcelona. Cristina continued searching... certain only, of what she didn't want.

  • Narrator: During the conversation, an awkward moment occurred.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [title card] In 1941 China and Japan had been in a state of undeclared war for four years. A Japanese army of occupation was in control of much of the countryside and many towns and cities. In Shanghai thousands of Westerners, protected by the diplomatic security of the International Settlement, continued to live as they had lived since the British came here in the 19th century and built in the image of their own country... built banking houses, hotels, offices, churches and homes that might have been uprooted from Liverpool or Surrey. Now their time was running out. Outside Shanghai the Japanese dug in and waited... for Pearl Harbor.

  • Narrator: Two households, both alike in dignity / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene / From ancient grudge break to new mutiny / Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes / A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life / Whose misadventured piteous overthrows / Do with their death bury their parents' strife.

  • Narrator: A glooming peace this morning with it brings. The sun for sorrow will not show his head. For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: In his wildest dreams Larry would never have imagined he'd once again be in this position, where precious minutes count. Tonight he could save a life. He knew Ronnie had done some bad things in the past, but so had Larry. You couldn't change the past. But the future could be a different story. And it had to start somewhere.

  • Narrator: Sexual tension is an elusive thing, but Kathy had pretty good radar for it. It was like someone had turned a knob to the right, and the radio station clicked in so loud and clear it almost knocked her over. Once she became aware of the connection between them, it seemed impossible that she'd missed it before.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: One small fact: you are going to die. Despite every effort, no one lives forever. Sorry to be such a spoiler. My advice is when the time comes, don't panic. It doesn't seem to help.

  • Narrator: [Narrator/Death] The only truth that I truly know is that I am haunted by humans.

  • Narrator: [Narrator/Death] It's always been the same. The excitement and rush to war. I met so many young men over the years who have thought they were running at their enemy, when the truth was, they were running to me.

  • Narrator: While ten thousand souls hid their heads in fear and trembled, one jew thanked God for the stars that blessed his eyes.

  • Narrator: It's probably fair to say that no one was able to serve Der Führer as loyally as me.

  • [first lines]

    title card: "To sin by silence when we should protest makes cowards of men." - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

    President Eisenhower: ...We have been compelled to create a permanent armaments industry of vast proportions. And to do this three and a half million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishement. We annually spend on military security alone...

    Narrator: January, 1961. President Dwight D. Eisenhowers's Farewell Address to the Nation.

    President Eisenhower: ...This conjunction of an immense military establishment and arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence - economic, political, even spiritual - is felt in every city, every Statehouse, every office in the federal government. We must guard against the aquisition of unwarranted influence - whether sought or unsought - by the military-industrial complex. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes.

    M. L. King, Jr.: ...that "All men are created equal."

    JFK: Every degree of mind and spirit that I possess will be devoted to the cause of freedom around the world.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Tuck said it to Winnie the summer she turned 15: Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live. And she did.

  • Narrator: For some time passes slowly, an hour can seem an eternity. For others, there's never enough. For Jesse Tuck, it didn't exist.

  • Narrator: For some time passes slowly, an hour can seem an eternity. For others there's never enough. For the Tucks, it didn't exist.

  • Narrator: Time is like a wheel. Turning and turning - never stopping. And the woods are the center; the hub of the wheel. It began the first week of summer, a strange and breathless time when accident, or fate, bring lives together. When people are led to do things, they've never done before. On this summersday, not so very long ago, the wheel set lives in motion in mysterious ways. It set Mae Tuck out in her wagon for the village of Tree Gap to meet her two sons as she did once every ten years.

  • Narrator: Winnie Foster was beginning to lose track of time. Had she been there a day? A week? A month? It seemed to Winnie that the Tucks lived in a way the rest of the world had forgotten. They where never in a hurry and did things the slow way. For the first time Winnie felt free to explore, to ask questions, to play.

  • Narrator: Winnie Foster was to be sent 500 miles away to be educated, but what her parents didn't understand was that she only wanted to step outside her fence... so she did. What in these quiet woods should be so forbidden? Winnie had always sensed a mystey waiting for her there.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: This was the story of Howard Beale: The first known instance of a man who was killed because he had lousy ratings.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This story is about Howard Beale, who was the news anchorman on UBS TV. In his time, Howard Beale had been a mandarin of television, the grand old man of news, with a HUT rating of 16 and a 28 audience share. In 1969, however, his fortunes began to decline. He fell to a 22 share. The following year, his wife died, and he was left a childless widower with an 8 rating and a 12 share. He became morose and isolated, began to drink heavily, and on September 22, 1975, he was fired, effective in two weeks. The news was broken to him by Max Schumacher, who was the president of the news division at UBS. The two old friends got properly pissed.

    Howard Beale: [on the street] I was at CBS with Ed Murrow in 1951.

    Max Schumacher: Must've been 1950 then.

    [Beale nods]

    Max Schumacher: I was at NBC, uh, associate producer. Morning News. I was just a kid. 26 years old.

    [Not interested, Beale wanders off, until Schumacher stops him]

    Max Schumacher: Anyway... anyway... they're building the lower level of the George Washington Bridge.

    [Interested, Beale listens]

    Max Schumacher: We were doing a remote from there.

    Howard BealeMax Schumacher: [start to laugh and snicker in unison]

    Max Schumacher: And nobody told me!

    [Beale keeps laughing, very interested]

    Max Schumacher: Ten after seven in the morning, I get a call, "Where the hell are YOU? You're supposed to be on the George Washington Bridge!"

    [Beale and Schumacher exchange laughs]

    Max Schumacher: I jump out of bed, throw my raincoat over my pajamas. I run downstairs and out into the street...

    [Schumacher runs into the street]

    Max Schumacher: ...hail a cab, and I say to the cabbie, "TAKE ME TO THE MIDDLE OF THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE!"

    [Beale laughs]

    Max Schumacher: And the cabbie turns around and he says...


    Max Schumacher: ...he says "Don't do it, buddy! You're a young man! You got your whole life ahead of you!"

    Howard BealeMax Schumacher: [shriek in hysterics, as Beale gives Schumacher a hug]

    Max Schumacher: Didn't I ever tell you that one before?

  • Narrator: The initial response to the new Howard Beale show was not auspicatory. The press was, without exception, hostile and industry reaction, negative. The ratings for the Thursday and Friday shows were both 14, but Monday's rating dropped a point, clearly suggesting the novelty was wearing off.

  • Narrator: By mid-October, "The Howard Beale Show" had settled in at a 42 share, more than equaling all the other network news shows combined. In the Nielsen ratings, "The Howard Beale Show" was listed as the fourth highest rated show of the month, surpassed only by "The Six Million Dollar Man", "All in the Family" and "Phyllis" - a phenomenal state of affairs for a news show - and on October the 15th, Diana Christensen flew to Los Angeles for what the trade calls powwows and confabs with our west coast programming execs and to get production rolling on the shows for the coming season.

  • Narrator: "The Mao Tse-Tung Hour" went on the air March 14th. It received a 47 share. The network promptly committed to 15 shows with an option for 10 more. There were the usual contractual difficulties.

  • Narrator: That evening, Howard Beale went on the air to preach the corporate cosmology of Arthur Jensen.

  • Narrator: It was a perfectly admissible argument that Howard Beale advanced in the days that followed. It was, however, also a very depressing one. Nobody particularly cared to hear his life was utterly valueless. By the end of the first week in June, "The Howard Beale Show" had dropped one point in the rating and its trend of shares dipped under 48 for the first time since last November.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: It was 1947, two years after the war, when I began my journey to what my father called the Sodom of the north, New York. They called me Stingo, which was the nick name I was known by in those days, if I was called anything at all.

  • Narrator: [narrating] How could I have failed to have the most helpless crush on such a generous mind and life-enlarging mentor. Nathan was utterly, fatally glamorous

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Memory is a selection of images, some elusive, others imprinted indelibly on the brain. The summer I killed my father I was 10 years old. My brother Poe was 9, and my sister Cisely has just turned 14.

    Narrator: The town we lived in was named after a slave. It was said that when General John Paul Batiste was stricken with cholera, his life was saved by the powerful medicine of an African slave woman called Eve. In return for his life, he freed her, and gave her this piece of land by the Bayou. Perhaps in gratitude, she bore him sixteen children. We are the descendants of Eve and John Paul Batiste. I was named for her.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Like others before me, I have the gift of sight. But the truth changes color, depending on the light. And tomorrow can be clearer than yesterday. Memory is the selection of images, some elusive, others printed indelibly on the brain. Each image is like a thread, each thread woven together to make a tapestry of intricate texture. And the tapestry tells a story, and the story is our past.

  • Narrator: Mathilde leans back against her chair, folds her hands in her lap, and looks at him. In the sweetness of the air, in the light of the garden, Mathilde looks at him. She looks at him... She looks at him...

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The body of Mrs. Arthur Appleyard, Principal of Appleyard College, was found at the base of Hanging Rock on Friday 27 March 1900. Although the exact circumstances of her death are not known, it is believed she fell while attempting to climb the rock. The search for the missing school girls and their governess continued spasmodically for the next few years without success. To this day their disappearance remains a mystery.

  • Narrator: The first time he saw Seabiscuit, the colt was walking through the fog at five in the morning. Smith would say later that the horse looked right through him. As if to say, "What the hell are you looking at? Who do you think you are?" He was a small horse, barely fifteen hands. He was hurting too. There was a limp in his walk, a wheezing when he breathed. Smith didn't pay attention to that. He was looking the horse in the eye.

  • Narrator: [First lines] They called it the car for every man. Henry Ford himself called it a car for the great multitude. It was functional, and simple, like your sewing machine, or your cast-iron stove. You could learn to drive it in less than a day. And you could get any color you wanted, so long as it was black. When Ford first conceived the Model-T, it took thirteen hours to assemble. Within five years he was turning out a vehicle every ninety seconds. Of course the real invention was the assembly line that built it. Pretty soon other businesses had borrowed the same technologies. Seamstresses became button sewers. Furniture makers became knob turners. It was the beginning and the end of imagination, all at the same time.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: "He that shall lose his life for me shall find it. If thou wilt be perfect, go sell what thou hast and give to the poor, and come follow me." Each sister shall understand that on entering the convent, she has made the sacrifice of her life to God.

  • Narrator: The day I was born started off bad and only got worse. I guess I was lucky I got born at all.

  • Anney Boatwright: Oh, Jesus, Glen. You don't know your own strength.

    Glen Waddell: I guess I don't. But Bone knows I'd never mean to hurt her. Bone knows I love her. Hell, Anney, I love all of you. You know that.

    Narrator: No, he never meant to hurt me. Not really, I told myself. But more and more those hands seemed to move before he could think.

  • Narrator: I lived in a world of shame. I hid my bruises as if they were evidence of crimes I had committed. I didn't tell Mama. I couldn't tell Mama.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: "People pay for what they do, and still more for what they allow themselves to become. And they pay for it simply; by the lives they lead." James Baldwin.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Who had mama been? What had she wanted to be or do before I was born? Once I was born her hopes turned, and I climbed up her life like a flower reaching for the sun. Her life had folded into mine. Who would I be when I was 15, 20, 30? Would I be as strong as she had been? As hungry for love? As desperate, determined and ashamed? I wasn't old but I was already who I was gonna be. Someone like her, like my mama, a Boatwright, a bastard, a bastard out of Carolina.

    Ruth Anne 'Bone' Boatwright: I love you, mama.

  • Narrator: [as Siddhartha lounges around one of his luxurious palaces] The King had given Siddhartha three palaces: one for winter, one for the rainy season, and one for summer. In this way he hoped to shield his son from all knowledge of pain or worry. But then, one day, Siddhartha heard a mysterious song of haunting beauty. At first he couldn't understand where it was coming from. The song was in a language he had never heard before. What was it saying? What did it mean?

    Siddhartha: [Siddhartha goes to investigate, whereupon he discovers an unfamiliar woman singing this hauntingly beautiful song] What is this song?

    Yasodhara: It is from a faraway land, my Lord. It evokes the beauties of the country she knew as a child. The mountains, and the lakes that she can never forget.

    Siddhartha: How strange. Do such places exist? Places as beautiful as here?

    Yasodhara: I've heard that only suffering lies beyond these walls.

    Siddhartha: What do you mean, "suffering"?

    Yasodhara: Your father loves you very much. He has given us everything we could want. There is no need to go anywhere else when you have such beauty around you.

    Siddhartha: It is true. We have everything, and everything is perfect. So... what is this feeling I have? If the world is so beautiful, why have I never seen it? I've not even seen my own city! I must see the world, Yasodhara!... with my own eyes.

  • Narrator: The best way to protect your place in this world is to do nothing at all. But is this enough? Is this really enough?

  • Narrator: There's nothing left of that will or passion. They've been completely worn down by the minutia of the bureaucratic machine and the meaningless busyness it breeds.

  • Narrator: A sexually repressed society will resort to violence. Wilhelm Reich

  • Narrator: [First lines] When I look back on my childhood, I wonder how my brothers and I managed to survive at all. It was, of course, a miserable childhood. The happy childhood is hardly worth telling. Worse than the ordinary miserable childhood is the miserable Irish childhood. And worse still is the miserable Irish Catholic childhood.

  • Narrator: If I were in America I could say "I love you, dad", the way they do in the films. But in Limerick they'd laugh at you. In Limerick you are only allowed to say you love God, and babies, and horses that win. Anything else is softness in the head.

  • Narrator: It was the first time my father ever kissed me. I felt so happy I could float.

  • Narrator: "The cinema," said André Bazin, "substitutes for our gaze at a world more in harmony with our desires." "Contempt" is a story of that world.

  • Narrator: O wondered why her hands were tied, as she was ready to obey her lover.

  • Narrator: O wondered why charm and terror were so mixed, why terror was so sweet.

  • Narrator: O felt soiled and guilty of the illicit pleasure she'd had in a stranger's arms. But her lover explained that the more he gave her, the more he wanted her. Offering her to another man was proof that he owned her.

    Rene: One can only give that which one owns.

  • Narrator: In fact, she liked all that came from her lover, even Pierre. She belonged to her lover through all the strangers she gave herself to.

  • Narrator: They examined her body in a brutal and abominable way. She was covered in shame. But despite the shame, she felt like someone going into a familiar dream that's about to start.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The duellist demands satisfaction. Honour, for him, is an appetite. This story is about an eccentric kind of hunger. It is a true story and begins in the year that Napoleon Bonaparte became ruler of France.

  • [about Grandmother's house]

    Narrator: Though it's been many years since I last saw it, I'll always remember that even my first impression was one of fear and wonder. My childhood was soon to be lost, my innocence shattered, and all our dreams destroyed by what we would find within.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Napoleon wrote that military blunders and domestic catastrophes fanned the flames of the French Revolution. But the cu-de-gras was a curious palace scandal involving woman of nobility denied, a member of the royal family, and the most magnificent string of jewels in all of Europe. This notorious intrigue came to be known as, L'affaire du Collier.

  • Narrator: My mother's life had been damaged by a lie, and my brother was forever lost in a maze of illusions that lie had created... and I had followed him there. Jacey would never find his way out, but I had to... and the only way I could do that was to forgive, but I could never forget.

  • Narrator: Although she seemed unique to me then, I now know that the world is filled with working women raising children by themselves. There was nothing especially original about my mother... not even in the way she finally brought her sons back together again.

  • Narrator: The truth about our mother and Lloyd didn't comfort Jacey, because the truth seemed to him just as unfair as the lie he had always believed in.

  • Narrator: My mother was right; if the Abbotts didn't exist, Jacey would have had to invent them, but it seems to me that inventing the Abbotts was something that almost everyone in Haley did, and still do. Alice reunited with Peter, lived out the same lie of a happy marriage that her mother and father have lived, and a new generation of Abbott parties began.

  • Narrator: Jacey pretended to care for Alice so well, the illusion became so complete that even he was fooled.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The end of my innocence and childhood began in 1957. It is remarkable to me now just how little I knew then about the people around me. It took me years to figure out exactly what the truth was, especially given my brother's knack at inventing facts. My mother once told me that if the Abbotts didn't exist, my brother would have had to invent them.

  • Narrator: Everything Jacey wanted in life, the Abbotts already had: their cars, money, country clubs. But in the beginning, more than anything else, he wanted Eleanor Abbott. I'd witnessed enough of my brother's social agony to resolve early on. I would never let the Abbotts matter to me.

  • Narrator: I had always thought of Eleanor Abbott as just another stuck-up rich girl, a flirt, a tease. But she proved to be a bigger rebel than I ever was. Jacey and I never talked about that thing with Eleanor in the garage, but Jacey never bragged about his conquests. When he went off to college that fall, I didn't feel particularly sad, I felt free.

  • Narrator: My brother was more successful at reinventing himself than I was. Jacey's parties at the University of Pennsylvannia were the hippest ones around. And even though he had a major in architecture, he seriously minored in beautiful co-eds.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: It was in the year of 1933, when Grace and her father were heading southward with their army of gangsters.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: America had proffered its hand, discreetly perhaps, if anybody refused to see a helping hand he really only had himself to blame.

  • Narrator: Grace and her father resumed their legendary discord, even as they pulled out of Dogville. And although Grace had been employing the technique of letting things go in one ear and out the other for a pretty long time now, she was, to be frank, somewhat weary of her overweening daddy, who still believed any nagging woman could be pacified with the good old bouquet of carnations.

  • Narrator: Her actions would comprise an unconditional enrichment of these people's lives, there was no doubt about that. Or was there?

  • Narrator: Indignation is a rare emotion for a gangster.

  • Narrator: What Grace had felt at the bathhouse was undignified, shameful.

  • Narrator: Joseph, a legal expert, with the ability to interpret the most incomprehensible texts, had met his match in the 1923 Ford Owner's Manual.

  • Narrator: There were still 10 minutes until her slavishly punctual father would arrive outside to wait for his 15-minutes-and-not-a-second-longer.

  • [first lnes]

    Narrator: We bring you the circus, pied piper whose magic tunes greet children of all ages, from six to 60, into a tinsel and spun-candy world of reckless beauty and mounting laughter and whirling thrills; of rhythm, excitement and grace; of blaring and daring and dance; of high-stepping horses and high-flying stars. But behind all this, the circus is a massive machine whose very life depends on discipline and motion and speed. A mechanized army on wheels, that rolls over any obstacle in its path, that meets calamity again and again, but always comes up smiling. A place where disaster and tragedy stalk the big top, haunt the backyard, and ride the circus train. Where death is constantly watching for one frayed rope, one weak link, or one trace of fear. A fierce, primitive fighting force that smashes relentlessly forward against impossible odds. That is the circus. And this is the story of the biggest of the big tops, and of the men and women who fight to make it "The Greatest Show on Earth."

  • Narrator: In Turin on the 3rd of January 1889, Friedrich Nietzsche steps out of the doorway of number six, Via Carlo Albert, perhaps to take a stroll, perhaps to go by the post office to collect his mail. Not far from him, the driver of a hansome cab is having trouble with a stubborn horse. Despite all his urging, the horse refuses to move, whereupon the driver - Giuseppe? Carlo? Ettore? - loses his patience and takes his whip to it. Nietzsche comes up to the throng and puts an end to the brutal scene caused by the driver, by this time foaming at the mouth with rage. For the solidly built and full-moustached gentleman suddenly jumps up to the cab and throws his arms around the horse's neck, sobbing. His landlord takes him home, he lies motionless and silent for two days on a divan until he mutters the obligatory last words "Mutter, ich bin dumm!" and lives for another ten years, silent and demented, under the care of his mother and sisters. We do not know what happened to the horse.

  • Narrator: And humility can only be born of humiliation, otherwise it is nothing but vanity.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Before the law, there stands a guard. A man comes from the country, begging admittance to the law. But the guard cannot admit him. May he hope to enter at a later time? That is possible, said the guard. The man tries to peer through the entrance. He'd been taught that the law was to be accessible to every man. "Do not attempt to enter without my permission", says the guard. I am very powerful. Yet I am the least of all the guards. From hall to hall, door after door, each guard is more powerful than the last. By the guard's permission, the man sits by the side of the door, and there he waits. For years, he waits. Everything he has, he gives away in the hope of bribing the guard, who never fails to say to him "I take what you give me only so that you will not feel that you left something undone." Keeping his watch during the long years, the man has come to know even the fleas on the guard's fur collar. Growing childish in old age, he begs the fleas to persuade the guard to change his mind and allow him to enter. His sight has dimmed, but in the darkness he perceives a radiance streaming immortally from the door of the law. And now, before he dies, all he's experienced condenses into one question, a question he's never asked. He beckons the guard. Says the guard, "You are insatiable! What is it now?" Says the man, "Every man strives to attain the law. How is it then that in all these years, no one else has ever come here, seeking admittance?" His hearing has failed, so the guard yells into his ear. "Nobody else but you could ever have obtained admittance. No one else could enter this door! This door was intended only for you! And now, I'm going to close it." This tale is told during the story called "The Trial". It's been said that the logic of this story is the logic of a dream... a nightmare.

  • Narrator: In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form and void. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, "Let there be light." And there was light.

  • Narrator: [Tower of Babel story] And the Lord said, "Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: So oft it chances in particular men / That through some vicious mole of nature in them, / By the o'ergrowth of some complexion / Oft breaking down the pales and forts of reason, / Or by some habit grown too much; that these men - / Carrying, I say, the stamp of one defect, / Their virtues else - be they as pure as grace, / Shall in the general censure take corruption / From that particular fault... This is the tragedy of a man who could not make up his mind.

  • [opening lines]

    Narrator: You will now listen to my voice. My voice will help you and guide you still deeper into Europa. Every time you hear my voice, with every word and every number, you will enter into a still deeper layer - open, relaxed and receptive. I shall now count from one to ten. On the count of ten, you will be in Europa. I say: one. And as you focus your attention entirely on my voice, you will slowly begin to relax. Two - your hands and your fingers are getting warmer and heavier. Three - the warmth is spreading through your arms, to your shoulders and your neck. Four - your feet and your legs get heavier. Five - the warmth is spreading to the whole of your body. On six, I want you to go deeper. I say: six. And the whole of your relaxed body is slowly beginning to sink. Seven - you go deeper and deeper and deeper. Eight - on every breath you take, you go deeper. Nine - you are floating. On the mental count of ten, you will be in Europa. Be there at ten. I say: ten.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: In the morning, the sleeper has found rest on the bottom of the river. The force of the stream has opened the door and is leading you on. Above your body, people are still alive. Follow the river as days go by. Head for the ocean that mirrors the sky. You want to wake up to free yourself of the image of Europa. But it is not possible.

  • Narrator: And this is what the legend says - a flower, known nowhere else, grows from out of the desperate crags where Pearl vanished. Pearl - who was herself a wild flower sprung from the hard clay, quick to blossom and early to die.

  • Narrator: There is war in this forest. Not a war that has been fought, or one that will be, but any war. And the enemies who struggle here do not exist, unless we call them into being. This forest, then, and all that happens now is outside history. Only the unchanging shapes of fear - and doubt - and death - are from our world. These soldiers that you see keep our language and our time, but have no other country but the mind.

  • Narrator: In order that I exist, two gamblers, one obsessive, the other compulsive, must meet.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: When Dennis Hasset told Lucinda the baby's history, she had only one thought in mind.

    [Lucinda growls]

    Narrator: [laughing]


    Narrator: A dream, a lie, a wager - love. This is the story Lucinda gave to my grandfather... and I give to you.

    Oscar Hopkins: [as Oscar's Great Grandson] All right. Let's go home.

    [Oscar's Great Great Granddaughter nods]

    Oscar Hopkins: Yeah? Check for rocks.

    [Choir singing]

  • Narrator: On 12th June, 1812, the forces of western Europe crossed the frontiers of Russia and war began. In other words, an event took place that was contrary to all human reason and human nature.

  • Narrator: A moral victory which compels the enemy to recognize the moral superiority of his opponent and his own impotence was won by the Russians at Borodino. The direct consequence of the Battle of Borodino was Napoleon's flight from Moscow, the destruction of the invading army of 500,000 men, and the destruction of Napoleonic France, on which was laid for the first time, at Borodino, the hand of an opponent stronger in spirit!

  • Narrator: I want only to say that it is always the simplest ideas which lead to the greatest consequences. My idea, in its entirety, is that if vile people unite and constitute a force, then decent people are obliged to do likewise; just that.

  • Narrator: Thoughts that have important consequences are always simple.All my thinking could be summed up with these words: Since corrupt people unite among themselves to constitute a force,honest people must do the same.It's as simple as that.

  • Narrator: And not for this day and hour alone were the mind and conscience of this man darkened, on whom the burden of events weighed more heavily than on all the others who took part in it. Never, to the end of his life, had he the least comprehension of goodness, of beauty or of truth, or of the significance of his actions, which were too contrary to goodness and truth, too remote from everything human for him ever to understand their meaning. He could not disavow his deeds, lauded as they were by half the world, and so he was obliged to renounce truth and goodness and all humanity.

  • [the Battle of Borodino drags on]

    Narrator: Enough, enough, men. Stop, consider, what are you doing? Into the minds of tired and hungry men on both sides, a flicker of doubt began to creep. Were they to go on slaughtering one another? Kill whom you like, do what you like, but I've had enough. Yet some inexplicable, mysterious power continued to control them, and the terrible business went on, carried out not by the will of individual men.

  • Narrator: According to a popular belief, the fewer people know about the suffering of a woman in labor the less is her suffering.

  • Narrator: Give this man satin undies, a dress, a sweater and a skirt, or even the lounging outfit he has on, and he's the happiest individual in the world. He can work better, think better, he can play better, and he can be more of a credit to his community and his government because he is happy.

  • Narrator: Glen is not a homosexual. Glen is a transvestite, but he is not a homosexual.

  • Narrator: Glen did wear the dress to the Halloween party. He even took first prize. Then, one day... it wasn't Halloween any longer.

  • [voice-over during stock footage of cars on a freeway]

    Narrator: The world is a strange place to live in. All those cars. All going someplace. All carrying humans, which are carrying out their lives.

  • Narrator: When modern woman's day of work is done,that which is designed for her comfort IS comfort. Hats that give no obstruction to the bloodflow, hats that do not crush the hair. Interesting thought, isn't it?

  • Narrator: Then there was the time Barbara was wearing the sweater Glen had always wanted to feel on his own body.

  • Narrator: Female has the fluff and the finery, as specified by those who design and sell. Little Miss Female, you should feel quite proud of the situation. You of course realise it's predominantly men who design your clothes, your jewelry, your makeup, your hair styling, your perfume. But life, even thought it's changes are slow, moves on.

  • Narrator: Something had happened. A thing which, years ago, had been the eagerest hope of many, many good citizens of the town, and now it had come at last; George Amberson Mainafer had got his comeuppance. He got it three times filled, and running over. But those who had so longed for it were not there to see it, and they never knew it. Those who were still living had forgotten all about it and all about him.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The magnificence of the Ambersons began in 1873. Their splendor lasted throughout all the years that saw their midland town spread and darken into a city. In that town, in those days, all the women who wore silk or velvet knew all the other women who wore silk or velvet, and everybody knew everybody else's family horse and carriage. The only public conveyance was the streetcar. A lady could whistle to it from an upstairs window, and the car would halt at once and wait for her, while she shut the window, put on her hat and coat, went downstairs, found an umbrella, told the girl what to have for dinner, and came forth from the house. Too slow for us nowadays, because the faster we're carried, the less time we have to spare. During the earlier years of this period, while bangs and bustles were having their way with women, there were seen men of all ages to whom a hat meant only that rigid, tall silk thing known to impudence as a stovepipe. But the long contagion of the derby had arrived. One season the crown of this hat would be a bucket; the next it would be a spoon. Every house still kept its bootjack, but high-top boots gave way to shoes and congress gaiters, and these were played through fashions that shaped them now with toes like box ends, and now with toes like the prows of racing shells. Trousers with a crease were considered plebian; the crease proved that the garment had lain upon a shelf and hence was ready-made. With evening dress, a gentleman wore a tan overcoat, so short that his black coattails hung visible five inches below the overcoat. But after a season or two, he lengthened his overcoat till it touched his heels. And he passed out of his tight trousers into trousers like great bags. In those days, they had time for everything. Time for sleigh rides, and balls, and assemblies, and cotillions, and open house on New Year's, and all-day picnics in the woods, and even that prettiest of all vanished customs: the serenade. Of a summer night, young men would bring an orchestra under a pretty girl's window, and flute, harp, fiddle, cello, cornet, bass viol, would presently release their melodies to the dulcet stars. Against so home-spun a background, the magnificence of the Ambersons was as conspicuous as a brass band at a funeral.

  • Narrator: George Amberson-Minafer walked home through the strange streets of what seemed to be a strange city. For the town was growing... changing... it was heaving up in the middle, incredibly; it was spreading incredibly. And as it heaved and spread, it befouled itself and darkened its skies. This was the last walk home he was ever to take up National Avenue, to Amberson Edition, and the big old house at the foot of Amberson Boulevard. Tommorow they were to move out. Tomorrow everything would be gone.

  • Narrator: Battling discovers parental rights - A Chink after his kid! He'll learn him! Above all, Battling hates those not born in the same great country as himself.

  • Narrator: The Yellow Man holds a great dream to take the glorious message of peace to the barbarous Anglo-Saxons, sons of turmoil and strife.

  • Narrator: Limehouse knows him only as a Chink storekeeper. The Yellow Man's youthful dreams come to wreck against the sordid realities of life. Broken bits of his life in his new home. Chinese, Malays, Lascars, where the Orient squats at the portals of the West. In this scarlet house of sin, does he ever hear the temple bells?

  • Narrator: It is a tale of temple bells, sounding at sunset before the image of Buddha; it is a tale of love and lovers; it is a tale of tears.

  • Narrator: Breathing in an amber flute to this alabaster cockney girl her love name - White Blossom.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: There was once in Venice a moor, Othello, who for his merits is the affairs of war was held in great esteem. It happened that he fell in love with a young and noble lady called Desdemona, who drawn by his virtue became equally enamoured of Othello...

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: One early morning / Lifting the dark blanket of the night / From its pillow of mountain peak / The sun lifted its head / And saw... / The valley's heart is filled with the season of love / And the branches of memories have sprouted / Innumerable blossoms of moments past / That begin to scent the air. / Unspoken, unheard yearnings / Half asleep, half awake / Look out sleepily at life / As it flows in wave upon wave / Every moment new, but also the same / Yes, this life! / Which encompasses love and grief / Meetings as well as partings, and a sense / That time is flowing like a river, whispering as it flows... / "The valley's heart is filled with the season of love / And the branches of memories have sprouted / Innumerable blossoms of moments past / That begin to scent the air... "

  • Narrator: This movie, shot in Berlin in the summer of 1947 aims only to be an objective and true portrait of this large, almost totally destroyed city where 3.5 million people live a terrible, desperate life, almost without realizing it. They live as if tragedy were natural, not because of strength or faith, but because they are tired. This is not an accusation or even a defense of the German people. It is an objective assessment. Yet if anyone, after watching Edmund Koeler's story, feels that something needs to be done-that German children need to relearn to love life-then the efforts of those who made this movie will be greatly rewarded.

  • Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, in view of the controversy already aroused, the producers of this film wish to re-emphasize what is already stated in the film, that there is no established scientific connection between Mongolism and psychotic or criminal behaviour.

  • [opening narration]

    Narrator: The Black Widow, deadliest of all spiders, earned its dark title through its deplorable practice of devouring its mate.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [narrating] I didn't go to school today. Well, if only to ask my teacher to let me go home. I gave him father's letter. He asked what the reason was. I told him father had been called up for forced labor.

  • Narrator: Once upon a time there was a king so great, so loved by his people and so respected by neighboring kingdoms that he was the happiest of monarchs. And his happiness was even greater for having chosen a beautiful and virtuous wife. The couple lived in perfect harmony. They had a daughter of such grace and charm that they never regretted having but one child. Their palace was a marvel of taste and abundance. The buildings were magnificent and the vast stables were filled with the most handsome steeds. But what most surprised visitors was a donkey displayed in the most prominent place. This iniquity may surprise you, but when you learn of the creature's rare ability, you will agree that this honor was its due.

  • Narrator: The vicissitudes of life fall on kings as well, and the greatest good is always mixed with misfortune.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: From time immemorial the Earth has been bombarded by objects from outer space, bits and pieces of the universe piercing our atmosphere in an invasion that never ends. Meteors, the shooting stars on which so many earthly wishes have been born - of the thousands that plummet toward us, the greater part are destroyed in a fiery flash as they strike the layers of air that encircle us. Only a small percentage survives. Most of these fall into the water which covers two-thirds of our world, but from time to time, from the beginning of time, a very few meteors have struck the crust of the Earth and formed craters - craters of all sizes, sought after and poured over by scientists of all nations for the priceless knowledge buried within them. In every moment of every day they come from planets belonging to stars whose dying light is too far away to be seen. From infinity they come. Meteors!

    [a meteor crashes against the Earth]

    Narrator: Another strange calling card from the limitless reaches of space. Its substance unknown, its secrets unexplored, the meteor lies dormant in the night - waiting!

  • Narrator: A vampire, in ancient belief, was a malignant spirit who when the earth lost its sunlight rose nightly from its dark grave to suck blood from the throats of the living. Its powers were many. It could see in the dark, which was no small ability in a world half-veiled from light. Its hypnotic skills baffled the domain of science. It was of a cunning more than mortal, for its cunning was a growth of ages, since it could not die by the mere passing of time. It had to have been by a wooden stake driven deep into its heart, or exposure to the rays of the sun, which would instantly decompose its body into a miasma of putrid decay. The believers of this superstition referred to vampires as the living dead. I seem to be making use of the past tense. Perhaps the present would be more precise, for it stands to reason that if one is superstitious, even on a small, seemingly insignificant level, one must be vulnerable to all superstitions, conceivably even those of vampires.

  • Narrator: Superstition?

    [laughs maniacally]

  • narrator: closing scene: There is a story in the Talmud about a king who had a son who went astray. The son was told, "Return to your father." The son replied that he could not. The king then sent a messenger to the son with the message. "Come back to me as far as you can, and I will meet you the rest of the way."

  • Narrator: And remember, Christmas is the time for giving. All I was given last year was the 'flu.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Well, this is certainly gonna be a Christmas we all remember. The year a wee girl showed us what Christmas really means: friendship and forgiveness. But the greatest gift of all is love. Or, in my case, socks. Again. Merry bloomin' Christmas to the lot of you.

  • Narrator: A beautiful island in the Pacific, secret base of International Rescue, so far undetected. Outwardly, the luxury home of millionaire ex-astronaut Jeff Tracy.

  • Narrator: The specimen shows interesting and strong reactions. Dr. Rhinestone reports signals showing similarity to pain reactions.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [voice over narration] Here in Kentucky is the Blue Grass Country where champions are born. Black, beige and chestnut. Glorious creatures. Born to run and keep on running.

  • Narrator: Here in Alaska, the only thing you can predict for sure about the weather, is that it's *un*predictable.

  • Narrator: The beauty and sincerity of a child's faith are perhaps the only merits of this story, but that is precisely why I think you will like it. It is a simple story, yes, but one that for a few short moments will take us from our world of trials and tribulations, to one of peace, love, tenderness.

  • Narrator: You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone.

  • [Opening Narration for Segment 2]

    Narrator: It is sometimes said that where there is no hope, there is no life. Case in point: the residents of Sunnyvale Rest Home, where hope is just a memory. But hope just checked into Sunnyvale, disguised as an elderly optimist, who carries his magic in a shiny tin can.

  • [Opening Narration for Segment 1]

    Narrator: You're about to meet an angry man. Mr. William Connor, who carries on his shoulder a chip the size of the national debt. This is a sour man, a lonely man, who's tired of waiting for the breaks that come to others, but never to him. Mr. William Connor, whose own blind hatred is about to catapult him into the darkest corner of the Twilight Zone.

  • [Opening Narration for Segment 3]

    Narrator: Portrait of a woman in transit. Helen Foley, age 27. Occupation: schoolteacher. Up until now, the pattern of her life has been one of unrelenting sameness, waiting for something different to happen. Helen Foley doesn't know it yet, but her waiting has just ended.

  • [Opening Narration for Segment 4]

    Narrator: What you're looking at could be the end of a particularly terrifying nightmare. It isn't. It's the beginning. Introducing Mr. John Valentine, air traveler. His destination: the Twilight Zone.

  • [first lines]

    [first title card]

    Narrator: Once, in a time before time, God breathed life into the universe. And the light gave birth to Angels. And the earth gave birth to Man. And the fire gave birth to the Djinn, creatures condemned to dwell in the void between the worlds. One who wakes a Djinn will be given three wishes. Upon the granting of the third, the unholy legions of the Djinn will be freed to rule the earth. Fear one thing in all there is... FEAR THE DJINN.

  • Narrator: [Opening] The year 1872 and the nightmare legend of Count Dracula extends its terror far beyond the mountains of Carpathia to the Victorian metropolis of London here in Hyde park the final confrontation between Lawrence van Helsing and his arch enemy the demon vampire Dracula.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: It has been written since the beginning of time, even unto these ancient stones, that evil supernatural creatures exist in a world of darkness. And it is also said man using the magic power of the ancient runic symbols can call forth these powers of darkness, the demons of Hell.

  • Narrator: Something, he didn't know what, but something as big as a battleship has just flown over and past him.

  • Narrator: Once more a frantic pilot radios in a report on a UFO. A bird. A bird as big as a battleship!

  • Narrator: Once the world was big, and no man in his lifetime could circle it. Through the centuries, science has made man's lifetime bigger, and the world smaller. Now the farthest corner of the Earth is as close as a pushbutton, and time has lost all meaning as man-made devices speed many many times faster than sound itself.

  • Narrator: An electronics engineer, a radar officer, a mathematician and systems analyst, a radar operator, a couple of plotters. People doing a job, well, efficiently, serious, having fun, doing a job. Situation: normal. For the moment...

  • [opening narration]

    Narrator: Great scientific advances are oftentimes sudden accomplished facts before most of us are even dimly aware of them. Breathtakingly unexpected, for example, was the searing flash that announced the atomic age. Equally unexpected was the next gigantic stride when Man moved out of his very orbit to a point more than 20 million miles to Earth.

  • Narrator: What's a suicide attempt without a wedding?

  • Narrator: All things will happen again. And again.

  • Narrator: [opening words] For those who believe in spirits no proof is necessary. For those who do not believe in spirits no proof is enough.

  • Narrator: The dragon. A mythological creature? No. It exists -- inside us.

  • Narrator: The time is ten after six. I'm the narrator. This is Dave.

    [the word "Dave" appears under Dave]

    Narrator: Let's go to hell.

  • Narrator: Now we know the people on the bus, and it's up to Satan to get their souls. Y'know, Dave, Indians lived here before the White Man slaughtered them. Now all that's left is the totem pole.

    Narrator: [thinks to himself] Hmm, I wonder if it would fit up my ass.

    Title Card: Ass

  • Narrator: In bygone days, you could hear many a tale of men who made their homes in the forest. What would they find?

  • Narrator: This story must be told. Otherwise you would never know about it because it could never happen.

  • Narrator: This little devil, dressed in red blood, was born in Italy, in Veneto, and came to America with the immigrants. Between the torments of a miserable colonization, the Sanguanel terrified immigrants for decades. Today, with the end of the forests, and the nights well lit, he seems to have disappeared. Or maybe he's just hiding, ready to attack again!

  • Narrator: Come with me into the tormented, haunted, half-lit night of the insane. This is my world. Let me lead you into it. Let me take you into the mind of a woman who is mad. You may not recognize some things in this world, and the faces will look strange to you. For this is a place where there is no love, no the pulsing, throbbing world of the insane mind, where only nightmares are real, nightmares of the Daughter of Horror!

  • Narrator: Only a dream, a dream of madness and of darkness. Or was it? Was it *only* a dream?

  • Narrator: Now all the images of horror, the demons of your mind, crowd in on you to destroy you!

  • Narrator: Yes... I am here, the demon who possesses your soul. Wait a bit. I'm coming for you, I have so much to show you!

  • Narrator: The pulse of the neon light like a hammer at your brain: tormenting you, haunting you, forcing you to think, forcing you to remember your guilt, your horror; forcing you to go back, back, back, into the terror that you're trying to forget. Back through the mists of time into the graveyard where your secret lies buried from the world.

  • Narrator: I have so much to show you. So much that you are afraid to see. Come, let me take you by the arm and show you the bed of evil you sprang from. Let me take you back, to when you were a little girl. Let me show you... your father.

    [Flashback scene of The Gamine's father]

    Narrator: Let me show you... your mother.

    [Flashback scene of The Gamine's mother]

  • Narrator: Ha ha! Marked... Marked forever! Daughter of horror.

  • Narrator: Run, daughter of horror, run from your crime. But behind you, the policeman with the face of your father, the face of your first victim. Pursuing you relentlessly in your haunted brain. Hunting you mercilessly through the twisted corridors of your tortured mind. The horror that will track you down. The horror that can destroy you. Run, run, run!... Guilty, guilty, guilty!

  • Narrator: Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. If you could only wipe out the curse of your guilty past. If you could only become somebody else, before it's too late. Escape... into a world of *your* kind of people.

  • Narrator: Safe. Safe? At last. Yes, you are safe... in another hallucination of your crazed mind.

  • Narrator: Yes, he's seen you, and you're trapped. The handcuffs are waiting for your wrists.

  • Narrator: Dr. Wood was right when he said there was a drive in that girl.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: 50,000 boycotted the buses in Montgomery. I knew one. Her name was Odessa Cotter.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [voiceover] Battle honors. By order of the Secretary of War, in the name of the President of the United States, as public evidence of deserved honor and distinction, the 442nd Regimental Combat Team is cited for outstanding accomplishment in combat. The gallantry and espirit de corps displayed by their officers and men in bitter action against a formidable enemy exemplify the finest traditions of the armed forces of the United States.

  • Narrator: Hunted, hiding... The Kid continued to play his cards the way he saw them... and by his own rules.

  • Narrator: [in the beggining of the movie] Who created these horrible weapons? From there, the war and carnage started And the way to a cruel death was open. However, don't blame this miserable. We're the ones who don't know how to use what he gave us. To defend ourself from the wild animals.

  • [the opening]

    Narrator: With the deterioration of the aristocracy and the rise of the warrior class began a brutal era. Long wars between the Heike and Genji ended with the Heike ruling the land. The people hoped for a lasting peace, but found only pestilence and disaster. And when began the nightly slaughter of Heike warriors at Kyoto's Gojoe Bridge... there rose the fear that the capital's festering misfortune had awoken a demon.

  • Narrator: The great interest displayed by the spectators was not so much due to the historical importance of the flight as to the roaring fire kindled immediately under the flimsy and very flammable balloon, which gave the adventure a suicidal aspect. The crowd looked forward to the same enjoyment they would obtain from a public execution.

  • Narrator: The gay day - the Gray day - when War's finger beckoned and men obeyed, stepping across destiny's threshold toward the battle-reddened horizon where Death and Glory stood hand in hand.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: What you are about to see is inspired by true events. According to the FBI, there are an estimated 1.4 million violent crimes in America each year. On the night of February 11, 2005, Kristen McKay and James Hoyt left a friend's wedding reception and returned to the Hoyt family's summer home. The brutal events that took place there are still not entirely known.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths, in particular Sally Hardesty and her invalid brother, Franklin. It is all the more tragic in that they were young. But, had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre as they were to see that day. For them an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of 5 youths. It is all the more tragic in that they were young. But had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected, nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre as they were to see that day. For them, an idyllic summer afternoon became a nightmare. For 30 years, the files collected dust in the cold-cases divison of the Travis County Police Department. Over 1,300 pieces of evidence were collected from the crime scene at the Hewitt residence. Yet none of the evidence was more compelling than the classified police footage of the crime-scene walk-through.

    Adams (officer in walkthrough): Test test test... OK, uh, this is, uh, August 20th, 1973. The time is, uh, 3:47 P.M. Our location is the Hewitt residence on Route 17; it's where victim one was found. We're gonna do a walk-through, and we're now descending the stairs into the furnace room... uh... There's - over here - there's scratch marks along the wall. There's some more over here, right over here. And, oh, there's something over here. Seems... Looks like a clot of hair and an embedded fingernail. All right, we're gonna go move into the actual furnace room.

    Narrator: The events of that day were to lead to one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history - the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The crime scene was not properly secured by Travis County Police. Two investigating officers were fatally wounded that day. This is the only known image of Thomas Hewitt, the man they call Leatherface. The case today still remains open.

  • Narrator: There's a legend around here. A killer buried, but not dead. A curse on Crystal Lake, a death curse: Jason Voorhees' curse. They say he died as a boy, but he keeps coming back. Few have seen him and lived. Some have even tried to stop him. No one can.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: From 1969 to 1973, the Hewitt family murdered thirty-three people across the state of Texas. To this day, it is universally considered the most notorious and brutally sadistic killing spree in the annals of American history: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Suzy Banyon decided to perfect her ballet studies in the most famous school of dance in Europe. She chose the celebrated academy of Freiburg. One day, at nine in the morning, she left Kennedy airport, New York, and arrived in Germany at 10:40 p.m. local time.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: It is said that over 150 years ago, in the town of Darkness Falls, Matilda Dixon was adored by all the children. Whenever they would lose a tooth they would bring it to her in exchange for a gold coin, earning her the name, the Toothfairy. But fate was not kind to Matilda. One night fire tore through her home leaving her face horribly scarred. Matilda's burned flesh was so sensitive to light she could only go out at night, always wearing a porcelain mask so no one could ever look upon her face. One day two children didn't come home. The town's people blamed Matilda - they hanged her, tearing of her mask, exposing her hideous face to the light. And with her dying breath Matilda laid a curse upon Darkness Falls. The next morning the little children were found safe and sound. The town buried their secret along with Matilda's body. Since then there are some who believe that Matilda visits the children of Darkness Falls on the night they lose their last tooth, seeking her vengeance on any who lay their eyes upon her face, fulfilling her curse: What I took before in kindness, I will take forever in revenge.

  • Narrator: What lives that does not live from the death of someone else? V.L. Compton

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the early '30s, Adolf Hitler and his inner circle became obsessed with the occult, believing that the black arts were key to their plan for world domination. Nazi agents travelled the globe in search of ancient Nordic relics known as rune stones. They believed if they harnessed the power of these stones, nothing could stop the march of the Master Race. The symbols inscribed in these stones were said to describe the path... to immortality.

  • Narrator: In the spring of 1946, in the small town of Texarkana, on the Texas/Arkansas border, a series of horrific murders were committed by a masked assailant known only as the phantom killer. For three harrowing months, the phantom stalked the back roads of Texarkana following young couples looking for privacy to isolated areas where their screams for help would go unanswered. Though several arrests were made in connection to the brutal slayings which ended as suddenly as they began, the killer's identify was never confirmed. Indeed many people who lived through that nightmare time believe t4h phantom spend the rest of his days free, walking the streets of Texarkana quietly, anonymously, until his assumed death in 1976 a film inspired by the infamous Moonlight Murders was released. Every year on Halloween "The Town that Dreaded Sundown" is screened somewhere in Texarkana, in tribute to the Phantom's legacy of death and blood. Today, Texarkana is a place haunted by its past, defined by a mystery that was never solved, and a tragedy that could never be forgotten. The following happened in Texarkana last year.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In the rolling hills of a sinful farm community, untouched by time, a gruesome secret has been protected for generations.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And you will face the sea of darkness, and all therein that may be explored.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: From her beginnings on a Navy drawing board, through the months of secret field experiments out on the Western desert, then through the desperate search for new metals with the properties she needed, she was designed to be the nation's greatest weapon of the seas - the atom-powered submarine. Her engines were to be a miracle of speed and power, her sides strong enough to withstand any blow, her armament and fire power of greater force than the worst enemy she might encounter. The mind of man had thought of everything - except that which was beyond his comprehension!

    [fade to black, fade in on stormy waters and scroll main titles]

  • Narrator: [over the opening sequence] In 1536, fleeing from the Inquisition, the alchemist Uberto Fulcanelli disembarked in Veracruz, Mexico. Appointed official watchmaker to the Viceroy, Fulcanelli was determined to perfect an invention which would provide him with the key to eternal life. He was to name it... the Cronos device. 400 years later, one night in 1937, part of the vault in a building collapsed. Among the victims was a man of strange skin, the color of marble in moonlight. His chest mortally pierced, his last words... Suo tempore. This was the alchemist.

  • [First lines]

    Narrator: "The impulse had become irresistible. There was only one answer to the fury that tortured him. And so he committed his first act of murder. He had broken the most deep-rooted taboo, and found not guilt, not anxiety or fear, but freedom. Any humiliation which stood in his way could be swept aside by the simple act of annihilation: Murder."

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The heavens. Once an object of superstition, awe, and fear. Now a vast region for growing knowledge. The distance of Venus, the atmosphere of Mars, the size of Jupiter, and the speed of Mercury. All this and more we know. But their greatest mystery the heavens have kept a secret. What sort of life, if any, inhabits these other planets? Human life, like ours? Or life extremely lower in the scale? Or dangerously higher? Seeking the answer to this timeless question, forever seeking, is the constant preoccupation of scientists everywhere. Scientists famous and unknown. Scientists in great universities and in modest homes. Scientists of all ages.

  • David Maclean: I thought they were testing some sort of atomic device out there.

    Narrator: It is an atomic device. The highest powered rocket ever conceived. You see, once we can shoot a rocket far enough into space, it will just anchor there. It's just a matter of time before we set up inner-planetary stations, equipped with atomic power and operated by remote control. Then, if any nation dared attack us, by pushing a few buttons, we could wipe them out in a matter of minutes.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [narrating voice over] In nature's scheme of things, there are certain plants which are carnivorous, or eating plants. The Venus Fly Trap is one of the best known of these plants. A fly drawn to the plant by its sweet syrup, brushes against triggered bristles. Just how these plants digest their pray has yet to be explained. There is much still to learn about these fascinating eating plants. This is a newcomer: Triffidus Celestus, brought to earth on the meteorite during the Day of the Triffids.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [narrating voice over] A simple method had been found to destroy the Triffids. Sea water, from which life on Earth had sprung, became the means of preserving life on Earth. Mankind survived and once again have reason to give thanks.

  • Narrator: [narrating voice over] All reports confirm that the world is witnessing an unprecedented shower of meteorites. There is no record of a display such as this in recorded history. At observatories astronomers are noting this fantastic phenomenon, and are carefully calculating the effect on our solar system. The consensus of option is that the meteorites burn up from the intense heat before they reach the Earth.

  • Narrator: Transylvania, land of dark forests, dread mountains and black, unfathomed lakes. Still the home of magic and devilry as the nineteenth century draws to it's close. Count Dracula, monarch of all vampires, is dead, but his disciples live on, to spread the cult and corrupt the world.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Those who hunt by night will tell you that the wildest and most vicious of all animals is the tiny shrew. The shrew feeds only by the dark of the moon. He *must* eat his own body weight every few hours - or starve. And the shrew devours *everything*: bones, flesh, marrow... everything. In March, first in Alaska, and then invading steadily southward, there were reports of a new species: the giant, *killer* shrew.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: On this fifth day of December in the year of our Lord sixteen hundred and forty-eight, by the power vested in us by our noble sovereign, this tribunal of Artena sentences you, the Crimson Executioner, to death. You will die by one of the very instruments you devised to torture and kill your innocent victims. You dared to take into your own hands the laws of both God and man. You set yourself up as both judge and executioner. You caused inhuman suffering, and took life not from any sense of justice, but from hatred and self-gratification. You showed no mercy to your victims, and no mercy will be shown to you.

    The Crimson Executioner: You'll never kill me!

    Guard: Move along.

    The Crimson Executioner: I'll return and be avenged!

    Guard: Turn around.

    The Crimson Executioner: You fools! All of you! I am the Crimson Executioner! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! This day shall be written in blood! No man can judge me! I am the supreme law! I shall have my REVENGE!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: For centuries, the prayers of Mexico's peasants have been their only shield against the devastating furies that have wrecked their homes and destroyed their lives. And so today, again they kneel, terrified and helpless, as a new volcano is created by the mysterious and rebellious forces of nature. The Earth has split a thousand times. Whole acres of rich farmlands have cracked and dropped from sight. And millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes, in a quake recorded on the seismograph of the University of Mexico as the most violent of modern times. To the benighted citizenry of this remote countryside, the most alarming aspect of the phenomenon is the fact that its unabated hourly growth is without precedence, having reached a towering height of nine thousand feet within a few days. And with each added foot, it spreads its evil onslaught into a wider circumference. But what is now most feared is that rescue work will be severely hampered by the hazardous inaccessibility of the terrain.

  • Narrator: "The Screaming Skull" is a motion picture that reaches its climax in shocking horror. It's impact is so terrifying that it may have an unforeseen effect. It may *kill* you!

  • Narrator: Flag on the moon. How did it get there?

  • Narrator: Boys from the city. Not yet caught by the whirlwind of Progress. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs.

  • Narrator: Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast.

  • Narrator: A man runs, someone shoots at him

  • Narrator: Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers.

  • Narrator: Always on the prowl. Looking for something or somebody to kill. Quench the killer's thirst.

  • Narrator: Twenty hours without rest and still no enemy. In the blistering desert heat, Jim and Joe plan their next attack. Find the Beast and kill him. Kill, or be killed. Man's inhumanity to man.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Joseph Javorski. Noted scientist.

  • Narrator: Yucca Flats. The A-Bomb.

  • Narrator: What you are about to see may not even be possible, within the narrow limits of human understanding.

  • Narrator: With the telegram, one cloud lifts, and another descends. Astronaut Frank Douglas, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size, some 8000 miles away in a lifeboat. With no memory of where he has been, or how he was separated from his capsule. Then who, or what, has landed here? Is it here yet, or has the cosmic switch been pulled? Case in point. The line between science fiction and science fact is microscopically thin. You have witnessed the line being shaved even thinner. But is the menace with us, or is the monster gone?

  • Narrator: [voice-over] Lieutenant Bradford found the staircase, a staircase he remembered so well from the days long ago when he had been investigating the mad scientist and his monsters. The skylight where he had once entered, long ago, now was barred, foiling entry or exit. He remembered the cold, clammy sensation of the railing. Cold, clammy, like the dead. Yes, the railing was the same as he remembered it, perhaps colder, perhaps more startling. His mind fought to dwell in the present, yet it continued to deal with the past. One could almost read his thoughts.

    Lt. Daniel Bradford: It's only a metal railing. Huh. Guess probably this Dr. Acula character has that railing rigged up too. Now, if I remember right, the floor above has a lot of storerooms. Maybe I can find something there to go on.

    [takes a couple of steps]

    Lt. Daniel Bradford: Well, that's strange, the ringing of the staircase is so much louder at night than during the day.

    [climbs to top of stairs]

    Lt. Daniel Bradford: Well, one of Dr. Acula's storerooms. Lighting equipment, props, scenery, sets, and an old organ. Now, what a theater group could do with these!

  • Narrator: [Opening lines before main title] The imagination at times sees the fantastic and the grotesque. that the imagination of man can soar into the stratosphere of fantasy is attested by the...

    [main title]

    Narrator: The Return of the Vampire.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: From the dawn of history, she has plagued mankind. Many a mother has wept for a baby found dead in its cradle. Many a man has spurned true love for an eternity in her hell. The Babylonians built statues to honor her. The Jews carved amulets for protection from her evil. By many names is she known, from Kali in India, to Pele in Hawaii. She was created from dust when Adam was created, but no restful peace in dust will she find. She is Lilith: the temptress, seducer and destroyer, harlot of demons and enemy of love. And she shall stalk us forever, walking in the shadows, sowing the seeds of discontent, reaping a harvest of souls for her caller of hell.

  • [first lines]

    narrator: It is a known fact that there existed in Central Europe a Count Dracula. Though human in appearance and cultured in manner, he was in truth a thing undead... a force of evil... a vampire. Feeding on the blood of innocent people, he turned them into his own kind, thus spreading his evil dominion ever wider. The attempts to find and destroy this evil were never proven fully successful, and so the search continues to this very day.

  • Narrator: So great was her love that even death could not mortalize it.

  • Narrator: Three new bodies. Fresh, live, young bodies. No families or friends within thousands of miles, no one to ask embarrassing questions when they disappear. Victor wondered which one Mrs. March would pick. The little Mexican, the girl from Vienna, or the buxom blonde? Victor knew his pick, but he still felt uneasy, making love to an 80 year old woman in the body of a 20 year old girl; it's insanity!

  • Narrator: Mrs. March had not realized her future body had such a satisfactory shape. Perhaps not as spectacular as the English girl but in excellent taste. She couldn't help being amused. The stupid girl was not only modeling Mrs. March's future wardrobe but Mrs. March's future body: so firm, so nicely round in places men like.

  • Narrator: Where were the live, fresh bodies he'd been promised?

  • Narrator: Oh, how she made them sweat. Especially this old fool, companion and gigolo. How many years she's kept him dangling on promises. Well, sometimes it's convenient to have a man, especially when he comes cheaper than servants.

  • Narrator: As with the other bodies stolen from cemeteries, the nerve endings of the brain were too far gone to receive a proper transplant. The experiment failed to produce anything more than a walking, breathing zombie-like creature. But the doctor permitted her to wander about the laboratory - she was harmless and

    [leering tone]

    Narrator: at times even amusing.

  • Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen - for the next hour and fifteen minutes, you will be shown things so terrifying that the management of this theatre is deeply concerned for your welfare. Therefore, we request that each of you assume the responsibility of taking care of your neighbor. If anyone near you becomes uncontrollably frightened, will you please notify the management so that medical attention can be rushed to their aid? Please set your watches. It is 6:45 in the evening in a town called Thornton...

  • Narrator: There once was a wolf named Lupold, who was black as coal... As thick as a tree trunk... And feared like death. He had teeth the size of carving knives, powerful claws of stone, and eyes that glowed like fat fire flies. He could smell your sweat before the first bead broke from your skin, he could hear your heart beat from miles away and he could see you even in the blackest of pitch.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: In 1873, the justly famed Texas Rangers had been disbanded. In their places rode an evil crew who looted and killed under the protection of the state police badges they wore.

  • Narrator: Well, this is the peculiar story of George Washington the pirate and Ted Wilson. Say hi!

    Ted WilsonGeorge Washington: Hi!

    Narrator: You can probably guess which is which

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is the planet Mars, once known as the resort and entertainment capital of the universe. Over the years, the appeal of Mars has worn thin. The ideas that its entertainment industry were once based on, are no longer valued among smart young couples looking for a good time. No, Mars has seen its day. Now it has become a home for forgotten people with shattered dreams, looking for that break that just isn't there any more. These are today's visitors.

  • Narrator: [Spoken as camera pans across dead soldiers after the battle sequence] The object of the raid has been achieved. Locked gates, oil storage tanks, harbour equipment were destroyed. One enemy submarine was put out of action, our own losses, both in men and craft were very heavy. The enemy had been warned. He was waiting for us. And although our troops fought throughout with great skill and gallantry, they were not able to effect the surprise that had been hoped for. They paid the price for bad security. The next of kin of causalities' have been informed.

  • Narrator: I don't know if I can talk to him?

  • Narrator: It is a film. Everything is constructed. Still it hurts.

  • Narrator: That's how it always ends. A bit of magic, a bit of smoke. Something floating

    Narrator: But it doesn't work without the necessary push. A bit of laughter,a man... a beautiful woman and love. Let's start over. At the beginning,it was man alone.

    Narrator: No,he's not alone. Yet.

  • Narrator: He loses Aimee.The last person that was left for him. The only one... Can their love survive? What will it take?

    Narrator: A test.For him and for her. His love for her. Stupid? Maybe.

    Narrator: If he steps back... if he doubts... she will disappear.

  • Narrator: The woman left. The laughter stopped. But, the man is still here. Not like that... All alone.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The story doesn't end when you get here, like you think it might. All the mortal pieces have scattered, but the impressions remain. Every last one of them.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: A half-forgotten corner of France in a wholly-forgotten war. In memory of the heroes of the Lafayette Escadrille, who died in defense of life and of liberty. This monument, this patch of foreign sky, belongs to a handful of Americans who flew for France and died for France in the First World War. They came with an air of adventure or a sense of impatience in the days before America entered the war. The wore French uniforms, they fought in French planes, and they fell in love with French women. These weren't just names in 1917; they were headlines. But this story is about a man whose name isn't carved in stone with the other young men of that old war. He ran away to war for reasons of his own. His name is Thad Walker.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: It stands in aging splendor on the outskirts of Paris. A war turned to stone in the broad museum of Europe. To the Americans who wore French uniforms, who fought in French planes, and fell in love with French women, history has reserved two words: Lafayette Escadrille.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [opening narration] Five years after the end of the Civil War, a thousand-mile cattle trail stretched from the plains of Texas to the railroad depots in Kansas. For ninety grueling days, through dust, heat, flies, loneliness, cowboys pushed Texas cattle northward on the Abilene Trail at an average speed of three quarters of a mile an hour toward Abilene, Kansas where raw-bred Southern beef could be turned into hard, Eastern cash. Abilene was the end of the trail, the end of the trailhands' thousand-mile, ninety-day-long boredom.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is the story of a small-town girl.

    Kate: "Call me Ishmael."

    Narrator: Who just finished Moby Dick.

    Kate: My favorite books right now are Twilight and Survival in Auschwitz. Before that I was in to Huckleberry Finn; not because I live on the Mississippi, but because fundamentalists want to ban it.

    Narrator: This small-town girl reads. Some might say too much.

  • [last lines]

    Kate: Next, I'm reading a book Tatiana gave me about a Russian girl, a hundred years ago, who can't be with a man she wants. If I were that girl I wouldn't throw myself under a train. I'd get on that train with the man I love.

    Narrator: It looks like we're in for several months of depressing Russian writers...

  • Narrator: This comedy might have been a tragedy but the gods were kind. The teacher of this lesson is neither the author nor the actors, but life itself with its absurd twists.

  • narrator: [subtitled version] I finally understand that a lover is a mirror, through which you can see yourself more clearly.

  • Narrator: The story of our life, in the end, is not our life, it is our story.

  • Narrator: That dispatch rider... I keep forgetting it's a girl.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: Let's give in at last and admit that we're really proud of you, you strange, wonderful, incalculable creatures. The world you're helping to shape is going to be a better world because you're helping to shape it. Pray silence gentlemen. I give you a toast - the gentle sex.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The solid gold Cadillac. Well, we had to call it something.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Welcome to an ordinary office of an ordinary Russian company. This is Alisa, and here's Mark. Mark and Alisa were employed on the same day. Both of them thought it was a good sign.

  • narrator: Everyone clung to the idea that if you worked hard, you get a piece of the American dream.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The last city still stood. The remaining home of what was left of the civilization of New Terra. The society had been all but destroyed by the Robot Rebellion of '33, when the robots had turned on their masters, by the billions. The ensuing chaos had led to a radiation spill far more deadly than any nuclear warfare. The world had been brought to its knees by the... robot holocaust.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is a story of tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, when men have built a station in space, constructed in the form of a great wheel, and set a thousand miles out from the Earth, fixed by gravity, and turning about the world every two hours, serving a double purpose: an observation post in the heavens, and a place where a spaceship can be assembled, and then launched to explore other planets, and the vast universe itself, in the last and greatest adventure of mankind, the plunge toward the...

    [A rocket fires]

    Narrator: conquest of space!

  • Narrator: It was foolish. It was insane. It was fantastic.

  • Narrator: In the year nineteen hundred and fifty-eight, Man launched the first satellite and pierced the space barrier.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: There are 200 billion stars present in the Milky Way Galaxy. Our sun and its nine planets consist of just one solar system within the galaxy. There are billions of other such systems many greater than our own solar system. But, compared to the enormous size of the universe itself even a galaxy is but a tiny pinpoint of life. In our vast universe, there are billions of other such galaxies that are just as big. The universe is limitless in size, and mankind is not the only creature in it that wages wars against itself. There are others who make war throughout the universe. From the farthest reaches of space comes a space ship bent on murder and destruction. It is the pirate space ship Zanon.

  • Narrator: Century 10, Prophecy 98. The splendor of many beautiful maidens... never again will they be so bright.

    [repeated as the young couples commit ritual suicide by driving off cliffs]

    Narrator: The splendor of many beautiful maidens... never again will they be so bright.

  • Dr. Nishiyama: [after the war, a barren Earth] Even if all human life is destroyed, the Earth will remain. Time will pass over our ruined lands... Little will change for centuries...

    [pans across a flattened and devastated Japan]

    Dr. Nishiyama: Boso Peninsula... Kuju Park... Chiba... Kanto Plain... Tokyo Bay... where Tokyo once was...

    Narrator: [the camera pans among the cracked wasteland of Tokyo] The splendor of many beautiful maidens... Never again will they be so bright... The flesh will be peeled back from the bone... And strange creatures will walk the Earth.

    [the two mutants appear, crawling from behind rocks, and fight one another over a snake]

  • Narrator: US president Ronald Reagan champions a compassionate campaign to resupply the freedom fighters with machine guns, C-4 plastic explosives, and other humanitarian weapons that they so desperately need in their struggle against literacy, teachers, health clinics and agricultural co-operatives.

  • [regarding the longevity of Fidel Castro]

    Narrator: After thirty-three failed assassination attempts, entailing two thousand people, and fifty million dollars; they are horrified to realize that you can't kill something that isn't alive.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The story you are about to see is true. Only the names of the persons and places have been changed. Well, that and most of what really happened. You see, millions of years ago, the aquatic city of Atlantis sank to the Earth's floor without a trace. In the years that have followed, many of Earth's most brilliant minds have combed the ocean floor in search of the long-lost city... and the possibility of any survivors. No one is really sure exactly what happened to Atlantis, but one thing remains certain: Somewhere in the vast expanse of a dirty bathtub we call our oceans, one of Earth's greatest cities lies in rubble, waiting for the day when someone might happen upon it... *and* its inhabitants. This is *their* story.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: A train is designed to travel in one direction only, forward. Its path is forever dictated by the track beneath it. It has no choice. Thus, collision with other trains is avoided. The car on the other hand, is designed to maneuver in infinite directions. This is not a problem until other cars are added to the equation. They, of course, are also moving in infinite possible directions. Indeed, on one road at any one time there may be thousands of such creatures, each moving on their own individual path. Collision, therefore, can be delayed by the careful driver, but eventual contact is inevitable. Thus, it is in the nature of automobiles to crash into one another. Their very being, their very freedom dictates it. Some companies have known this fault since the car was first invented, and they have sought to find a cure, at whatever the cost.

  • Narrator: These are the tragic heroes: watch them closely in the remaining hours of their lives.

  • Narrator: To look back on something is not the same as having lived it.

  • Narrator: Nothing that happens to another human being is alien to us: there, but for the grace of God, go I.

  • Narrator: It is easy to see what others do; we carry no mirror to reflect our own actions.

  • Narrator: A good part of our lives is spent in trying to gain the esteem of others, to gain self-esteem however, we usually waste little time.

  • Narrator: August 30, 1937. Stuttgart, Germany. Thousands of National Socialists from all parts of the world gather for a congress of Germans living abroad. They hear, "We National Socialists reject any German whose ambition it is to assimilate with the people of the country in which he lives. Because we only recognize as a complete German that citizen that always and everywhere remains a German and nothing but a German!"

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Some months ago, various persons appeared in the federal courts of New York City and the Panama Canal Zone, charged with the crime of espionage against the armed forces of the United States. Called to the witness stand, they swore to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God". The story brought out at those trials is stranger than fiction, revealing the existence of a vast spy ring operating against the naval, military, and air forces of the United States. We don't know all the facts, and we probably never will. But we do know that so far as this country is concerned, the story begins in a small Scottish town early in 1937. There, in a quiet residential district...

  • Narrator: On the march to the front, Danchuk imparts to Lt. Boles her beliefs about darkness. She believes that darkness can be kept - a black, juicy harvest actually plucked from the night. That darkness can be sculpted into huge furry vaults and complex corridors. That little piles of darkness can serve as useful road signs for the weary traveller, or for anyone who swims in that dusky fluid.

  • Narrator: The west was won by its pioneers, settlers, adventurers is long gone now. Yet it is theirs forever, for they left tracks in history that will never be eroded by wind or rain - never plowed under by tractors, never buried in compost of events. Out of the hard simplicity of their lives, out of their vitality, of their hopes and sorrows grew legends of courage and pride to inspire their children and their children's children. From soil enriched by their blood, out of their fever to explore and be, came lakes where once there were burning deserts - came the goods of the earth; mine and wheat fields, orchards and great lumber mills. All the sinews of a growing country. Out of their rude settlements, their trading posts came cities to rank among the great ones of the world. All the heritage of a people free to dream, free to act, free to mold their own destiny.

    [final narrative from the film "How The West Was Won"1962 - narrated by Spencer Tracy]

  • Narrator: [speaking about the Erie Canal] ... about 150 years ago, an idea took shape in the mind of a man named DeWitt Clinton. And in the way Americans have of acting out their dreams, it came to be.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: [as the camera pans over the Rocky Mountains] This land has a name today, and is marked on maps. But, the names and the marks and the maps all had to be won, won from nature and from primitive man.

  • Narrator: [speaking about the Civil War] After Shiloh, the South never smiled.

  • Narrator: So Nathan Brittles, ex-captain of cavalry U.S.A., started westward for the new settlements in California: westward toward the setting sun, which is the end of the trail for all old men. But the army hadn't finished with Nathan Brittles and it sent a galloper after him. THAT was Sgt. Tyree's department.

    Sgt. Tyree: Yo-oh! Capt. Brittles!

    [catches up to him]

    Sgt. Tyree: Captain, sir.

    Captain Nathan Brittles: Huh?

    Sgt. Tyree: For you, sir. From the Yankee War Department.

    [hands him the dispatch]

    Captain Nathan Brittles: I knew it. Dad blast it... I knew it!

    [reading the dispatch]

    Captain Nathan Brittles: What? Sergeant... my appointment: chief of scouts! With a rank of Lt. Colonel. And will you look at those endorsements: Phil Sheridan, William Tecumseh Sherman and Ulysses Simpson Grant, President of The United States of America! There's three aces for you, boy!

    Sgt. Tyree: Yeah, but I kinda wish you'da been a-holdin' a full hand.

    Captain Nathan Brittles: Huh? Full hand? Whaddaya mean: full hand?

    Sgt. Tyree: Robert E. Lee, sir.

    Captain Nathan Brittles: Oh. Heh... wouldn't a been bad. Let's go.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: [as the troop passes by] So here they are: the dog-faced soldiers, the regulars, the fifty-cents-a-day professionals... riding the outposts of a nation. From Fort Reno to Fort Apache - from Sheridan to Startle - they were all the same: men in dirty-shirt blue and only a cold page in the history books to mark their passing. But wherever they rode - and whatever they fought for - that place became the United States.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Even before the wounds of the Civil War had healed in Missouri, the railroads came swarming in to steal the land. Everywhere, men from the railroads were driving poor, defenseless families from their homes. And that's when a fresh wind suddenly began to blow. It was other Clay County farmers, the James and Younger boys, coming to the rescue. They tarred and feathered the railroad men and drove them from the land. From that moment onward, they were outlaws. But the people of Missouri would never forget what the boys had done for them.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so into the pages of crime history rode five young men: Kit Dalton, Cole and Jim Younger, Frank and Jesse James, five whose warped lives were to be a heritage from their teacher, William Clarke Quantrill.

  • Chicago: [returning] Captain, there was a barn burnt down. Some old man and his wife were killed.

    Captain John Hull Abston: Where?

    Chicago: There.


    Rodie: No more than five miles up the creek.

    Captain John Hull Abston: [to Sarah] You know who's place it is?

    Sarah Anders: Yankees.

    Rodie: Ma'am they weren't Yankees. Just some old farmer and his wife.

    Sarah Anders: They sent two boys into the Union Army.

    [splits hatefully and goes into house]

    Rodie: [splits back] They were just farmers...

    Narrator: Like I said, the war was rough through here.

  • Narrator: The Yankees could steal what we had, but not what we hadn't got yet. So I was determined to put in next year's corn crop.

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: The Captain asked us to do the decent thing. I don't guess the Civil War was about bein' decent. We dug up the big red head and floated him down Meshack Creek. Ma said he come up that creek to cause trouble, and we sent him back down where he come from.

    Narrator: We drug the skinny Yankee up a hill to a sink hole where a big sycamore tree had fallen over and turned up its roots. We throwed the skinny Yankee in the sink hole and throwed some dirt on him. And I don't guess ma hated the skinny Yankee as much as the big red head. Pap never made it back. That war was a widow maker.

    Narrator: Ma told me to never never tell anyone what we had done. And I don't think I ever did, except maybe once, or maybe twice.

  • Jesse James: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fastest gun of all?

    Narrator: Jesse James, you was best, til this new boy came out west.

    Jesse James: That's a lie!

    [shoots mirror]

  • Narrator: But an unusual mistake was made in this race for statehood. A strip of land was completely overlooked... forgotten. It was left without law or sheriff. This strip had no legal basis for government of any kind. And in the closing decade of the Nineteenth Century, it became a hideout for the outlaws who infested the west. No United States Marshal dared venture there. It was called Badman's Territory.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Man, with his misdeeds, kindles his own hellfire!

  • Narrator: They were men of daring, of bold action and brute strength. This picture is not about any of those men. It's about...well...uh... it's about an hour and a half.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: This is the high river country of the great Northwest - unspoiled by man, a region of cool, crystal lakes and towering, snow-capped mountains, where rimrock ledges climb up toward the timberline. Wild horse herds range these lovely hills, a strong and onery breed that has for the most part never been broken to the will of man. They take refuge in the hidden valleys and lost canyons where the footprint of man is seldom seen. In winter, only the strongest can survive and when the snow's gone, they come down out of the far hills to graze on the green pastureland.

  • Narrator: Protectively guarding them is a stallion, their leader, who rules the wild horse herd by brain as well as brawn, watching over them, an alert sentinel against all attack. From among the herd, he selects a mate fit for a sovereign of his rank, a spirited palomino mare for whom he would share any danger. The white stallion's truly the monarch of all he surveys but the ranchers brand him a killer, dangerous to men. Time and again they have tried to capture him, but with no success, until he has become almost a legend, even to his enemies, the men who ride the vast range of the Bar-B-Ranch, a realm long controlled by Sam Bennett.

  • Narrator: Well, you can read about it in them history books, hear about it in songs, but, if you really want to know how it happened, you better come and ask Pat Buttram. I know, because I was there. In fact, I was the one who sent for them 25 hard-ridin', two-fisted troubleshooters. I'd have took care of The Rattler myself single-handed, man-to-man, 'cept I didn't want to jeopardize the lives of innocent townspeople. They was already in trouble clear up to their suspenders.

  • Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the ranch, more of my men were arrivin'. Some came in answer to the call of justice and same came to the call of...

    [camera focuses on a beautiful woman]

    Narrator: ...other reasons.

  • Narrator: Now, I could see right through The Rattler's scheme 'cause Tom Wilson and Autry's dad was double-first cousins of Tex's mother's nephew. So I knew right away we would need all the help we could get.

  • Narrator: Well, we really showed 'em how the bear goes through the buckwheat - but we had tipped our hand. Now we had to gather evidence fast and we used every possible means, even including, well...

    [Miss Joyce looks coyly at the camera]

    Narrator: ...every possible means.

  • Narrator: Everybody joined in and we really laid it on 'em. 'Course, I wasn't there - I knew we had 'em and I was back at the ranch getting' the paperwork ready for the trial. And without me doin' the coordinatin' things got pretty confusin' as to who was what...

    [one of the cowboy heroes leaps onto a figure and prepares to pummel him only to discover the man he's knocked down is actually a young woman]

  • [last lines]

    Narrator: And so Peaceful Valley was peaceful once more, thanks to our great cowboy heroes - and me. We cut the tail off the Rattler... or did we?

    [scene cuts to the Rattler preparing to blow up a safe with dynamite]

    Narrator: Oh no! Hey, boys, come back! Gene! Roy! Buck! Hoppy! He's alive! Come back! Monte! Hoot! Rex! Help! He's still alive! We need you! Andy! Smiley! Where are you...?

  • Narrator: I remember how happy we was when that first lawman rode into town. You could tell he was a lawman - he was ridin' a clean horse.

  • Narrator: Back in town somethin' was cookin' and it wasn't chicken - it was trouble.

  • [last lines]

    Calamity Jane: Well, I reckon I ain't never loved anybody else but him

    [Will Bill Hickok]

    Calamity Jane: anyway. Pard, we'll meet again in the Happy Hunting Grounds.

    Colorado Charley: I sure hope there's plenty of room up there, Calam, 'cause when you and Wild Bill get together again, there's gonna be some tall shootin'!

    Calamity Jane: When I die, Colorado, I want to be buried right here... beside him.

    Narrator: Calam's wish was granted. Her friends buried her beside him. Calam died in Deadwood 27 years later on the same day of the month Wild Bill was killed - August 2nd.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Wild Bill Hickok was a gunfighter who almost triumphed over death. His gun was drawn, his thumb had cocked the hammer, his cards were neatly stacked. It held two pair. And so it was from then on, aces and eights were called "the death hand." Cast in the same mold was another who, unlike Wild Bill, never carried a six-shooter, preferring to let agile fingers do his talking. From the Missouri to the Rockies he was known as Gentleman Tim Madigan and the aces and eights that spelled death for Wild Bill wrote a different fate for Gentleman Tim.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Montana in the '80s - the cattleman was king, his herds grazed a hundred thousand square miles of pasture. There was so much room that fertile range land was going to waste - but not for long. Shepherds and their sheep sought the lush green pasture of the north.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Southwest terriorty, 1860: The West was young and growing. Timbered with pioneers who hoped to tame this new land into a literal paradise for their cattle and farms.

  • Narrator: Men had to be tough to live long and that went for bandits who had conquered it in their minds as well as cattlemen and nesters who had defended it in theirs. To many it was a long hard fight; to others it was hopeless. Some turned their teams towards home again; others not so lucky stayed behind - there only monument a wooden cross in Boot Hill.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: Long after the Indian and the white man were at peace, small bands of renegade Indians were organized by unscrupulous white men. Pioneers coming west were murdered and their valuables stolen. These Indians traded stolen goods for the white man's whiskey. And as soon as they drank it, they wanted more. While the real criminals counted their profits and encouraged the Indians to more massacres, Americans were dying all along the frontier... and for no reason, save the ruthless greed of a few white traders.

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The latter days of the Nineteenth Century saw the West torn by turbulence and strife. Invaded by desperadoes and bandits. Before this onslaught, justice faltered and the law stood helpless. Life was filled with terror and no man could trust another. Then, into the turmoil and havoc of lawlessness, a mysterious figure rose up and came to the people's aid. They called him... The Durango Kid!

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: The Ring of the Fisherman, which bears the official papal seal, must be destroyed immediately following the Pope's death. The papal apartment is then sealed for nine days of mourning, a period known as "Sede Vacante", the time of the empty throne.

Browse more character quotes from Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)