Myron Quotes in Jingle All the Way (1996)

Howard: This can't happen. It's just a doll. It's just a stupid little plastic doll.

Myron: Ah ah, that's "action figure".

Howard Langston: I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason. Now, that makes me a bad father.

Myron: Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!

Howard Langston: I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh , well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us Christmas dinner in it.

Myron: [surprised] No!

Howard Langston: Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.

Myron: You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.

Howard Langston: Oh, don't say that.

Myron: Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny 7 OMA gun. You remember those, don't you?

Howard Langston: No.

Myron: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.

[imitating the whole play]

Myron: The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny 7 OMA.

Howard Langston: Sorry to hear that.

Myron: Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?

Howard Langston: Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries.

Myron: Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny 7 OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.

Myron: It's a dangerous thing, ambition. Ruined Mickey Mouse's whole career.

[first lines]

Myron: [sings to himself] A secret place known to none but me. And in my secret place, you can beg and torture me. I wouldn't tell you where to go. 'Cause in my secret place, secret place, a secret you know. Secret place, a secret you know.

[Surgeon enters to applause]

Surgeon: You realize, once we cut it off, it won't grow back. I mean, it isn't like hair, or fingernails, or toenails, you know.

Myron: What do you think I am, some kind of idiot? I know that!

Surgeon: [shrugs] Eh - how about circumcision? It'd be cheaper.

Myron: Come on, come on, come on, let's get it over with, Myra's waiting!

Surgeon: [shrugs] We'll have to blow up your tits with silicone.

Myron: I thought they used paraffin.

Surgeon: No, that would make them inflammable. You wouldn't want inflammable tits, now, do you?

Myron: [sighs, then sings] I got a secret place known to none but me. And in my secret...

Surgeon: [Indistinct] Cleaver.

[Clear]

Surgeon: I mean scalpel.

Myron: Well, I should think so.

Surgeon: Well, wish me luck. I've never done one of these before.

Myron: [sings] You can beg and torture me. I wouldn't care.

[applause]

Myron: Where are my tits? Where are my tits?

Myron: Your goal is...

Myra: My goal is the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood...

Myron: In order to...

Myra: Realign the sexes...

Myron: While...

Myra: Decreasing the population...

Myron: Thus...

Myra: Increasing human happiness...

Myron: And...

Myra: Preparing humanity for its next stage.

Myron: Bravo. Also... bullshit.

Myron: Why are you so fascinated by the girl?

Myra: But having raped Rusty's manhood, I must now complete the cycle and seduce his girl. Only then will my victory be complete. Thus exerting power over both sexes and, indeed, over life itself.

[last lines]

Myron: [voiceover] I'll turn around and I'll come back. You wouldn't understand the way I feel about Mary Ann. That she's Donald Duck straws and Pepsodent toothpaste.

[first title card]

[script, crawl, before first lines]

Myron: I must write it all down. Exactly as it happened. While it is fresh in my memory. But my hand trembles. Why? Twice I've dropped the yellow ball point pen. Now I sit at the surgical table making the greatest effort to calm myself, to put it all down not only for its own sake but also for you, Randolph, who never dreamed that anyone could ever act out

[triple underline]

Myron: totally

[end underline]

Myron: his fantasies and survive... / Myron Breckinridge

Myron: I think you're crazy, but I admire your attitude.

Myron: You've got nothing to smile about mate, if you knew.

Willie: If I knew?

[to Braddock]

Willie: He thinks I don't know.

Willie: It'd kill him to thank me, wouldn't it?

Myron: Haha!

[Braddock glares at him]

Myron: No lip, you.

[a few minutes earlier, Maggie bit Braddock's hand and drew blood]

Myron: Mr Braddock, d'you think we could stop for something to eat soon? I ain't had nothing all day and I'm really hungry. 'Spect I'm not the only one. Her too, she's probably hungry too.

Braddock: [drily] She's already eaten.

Ollie: We gotta discuss how we're going to stop that thing from getting in here.

Myron: What do you mean getting in? We shut the loading door.

Ollie: Yeah, but the entire front of the store is plate glass.

Myron: [looking into the mist] So... any boogeymen?