Murray Quotes in Ski Patrol (1990)

Murray: Holy Shit!

Murray: Shut up, Myron!

Murray: Why wasn't I informed of any of this?

Agnes Goldberg: You didn't ask.

Tony Vincenti: He never does. Except "how much?".

Murray: I resent that, Vincenti.

Tony Vincenti: I resent your mother for taking drugs when she was pregnant.

Murray: We need each other.

Tony Vincenti: Speak for yourself, pal. I like girls.

[from trailer]

Murray: Your mother and I both love you.

Elizabeth Osbourne: But we don't respect you!

Pinky: [they are chasing Pinky's caddie, which was taken, and Murray is driving with Pinky] So they want to play chicken?

Murray: Don't worry, boss, I ain't slowin' down!

Pinky: Idiot! That's my car!

Wayne: What? Now there's no sheep in the road. Let's go.

Murray: That was pretty sick, man.

Wayne: You eat lamb chops, it's the same thing.

Dracula: [thinks Murray passed gas] You're kidding me. Right in my lobby?

Murray: Drac, I swear, man, I don't run like that.

Murray: [from trailer] Please don't kill me

Vlad: Talking toilet paper... well that's a new one

[from trailer]

Frankenstein: We're gonna need more time. Uh-oh.

[the tower falls down, explodes, then Frank is on fire, and runs around crazy, destroying every camp cabin]

Frankenstein: FIRE!

Griffin: Frank, calm down!

Murray: Stop, drop and roll!

Frankenstein: FIRE!

Wayne: Frank, no!

Murray: Stop, drop and roll!

Wayne: Frank, slow down!

Frankenstein: FIRE!

Wayne: Frank, wait!

[Camp kids takes out marshmallows on sticks, cheer and start coming to the fire to roast them]

Murray: Dennis!

Dracula: Dennisavich

Mavis: He's not in his room.

Wayne: He's not by the pool

Frankenstein: [Drinks an entire bowl of soup] He's not in this pot of soup.

Murray: Woman, lend me fi' dollas.

Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman".

Murray: Excuse me, "Ms. Dionne."

Dionne: Thank you.

Murray: Okay, but, street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones.

Murray: Your man Christian is a cake boy!

Cher, Dionne: A what?

Murray: He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?

Cher: Uh-uh, no way, not even!

Murray: Yes, even; he's gay!

Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.

Murray: Woman, why don't you be answerin' any of my pages?

Dionne: I hate when you call me woman.

Murray: Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' behind my back?

Dionne: Jeepin'? Jeepin'? No. But, speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension got into the backseat of your car.

Murray: I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your little stringy somethin' or an others you got over here.

Dionne: I do not wear polyester hair, okay? Unlike some people I know like Shawana.

Cher: Dee, I'm outty.

Dionne: Bye.

Murray: Why do you got to go there? Why do you gotta go there? Is it that time of the month again?

Dionne: [about Murray shaving his head] Why do you care what *he* thinks, Murray? I'm the one who has to look at you! What am I gonna do with you now? And right before the yearbook pictures? What am I gonna tell my grandchildren? You know what? That's it...

Murray: That's it!

Dionne: You wanna play games?

Murray: You wanna play games?

Dionne: I'm calling your mother!

Murray: Wait! Don't call my mom! Don't call my mom...

Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!

Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!

Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!

Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?

Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.

Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut!

Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?

Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!

Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?

Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.

Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.

Roy: He could jump!

Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?

Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.

Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!

Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.

Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!

[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]

Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!

Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!

Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?

Oscar Madison: I'm in for a quarter.

Murray: Aren't you going to look at your cards first?

Oscar Madison: What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?

Murray: I get a Pepsi.

Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.

Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.

Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?

Murray: What do you got?

Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?

Murray: What's the green?

Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.

Murray: I'll take the brown.

[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]

Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?

Murray: I'm hungry!

Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!

Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!

Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?

Murray: You didn't.

Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.

Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.

Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.

Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!

Vinnie: What Buffet?

[they all chime in]

Vinnie: What buffet?

Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.

Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.

Speed: Excuse me, sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?

Murray: You don't like it, get a machine.

Roy: Geez, it stinks in here.

Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.

Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?

Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.

Vinnie: Let what be on your head?

Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.

Speed: He's out there somewhere.

Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.

Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.

Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!

Roy: Us?

Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?

Vinnie: What?

Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!

Murray: What happened to the apartment?

Oscar Madison: It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Cop in squad car: Hey, what are you doing, Murray?

Murray: Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.

Murray: How many cards you got, four?

Speed: Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. Do you see how that works now?

Murray: Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar!

Oscar Madison: [from the kitchen] Yeah?

Murray: Hey Oscar, are you in or out?

Oscar Madison: [blows on a slice of bread he'd dropped on the floor] Out pussycat, out!

Murray: [after having been zapped into his television] Oh no! I'm in black and white!

Murray: Where am I?

Selma: On the Disney Channel. At least there I know you won't catch anything.

Murray: Now I'm trapped in a rock video - anything but this!

Ancient Rabbi: Murray Schwartz, are you proud to be a Jew?

Murray: Proud, and also scared.

Murray: [Shomrim patrollers surround him] What is this? I think you've got the wrong guy. I've already been circumsized!

Murray: A gigolo? You know, it's in the music business. You know, there's the music, the lyrics... and the gigolo.

[first lines]

Murray: My grandfather started the shop. My father had it. And now - I - have to - close it. This is the end of an era, my friend. Let me tell ya, now a days only rare people buy rare books.

Fioravante: We'll get back on our feet.

Murray: Yeah, she's my doctor, but in today's world she could be a psychopathic axe murderer.

Fioravante: How long do you known me?

Murray: I've known you since you're a kid; since you broke into this bookstore and tried to rob it.

Murray: You know, I have a theory that sometimes when you don't understand what the other person is saying, very often that's a tremendous advantage.

[last lines]

Murray: Wow. This definitely could be the beginning of a very beautiful relationship. The three of us. But, you know, when is it that you're leaving?

Fioravante: [smiles knowingly without a word]

Murray: This could definitely be the beginning of a very beautiful relationship between the three of us.

Jack: Hey Murray, congratulations. Benson called while I was in there. You got the Natachi account.

Murray: We got it? Really, we got it?

[Dances and shouts]

Murray: We got the Natachi account! We got the Natachi account.

Jack: Hey Murray, just kidding! Wah wah wah wah.

Murray: Gus?

Gus: What?

Murray: When are we gonna open presents?

Gus: Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We'll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking cannon. And you're gonna crawl in it. Then I'm gonna get 2 pounds of gunpowder and I'm gonna shoot you right out of Jersey! And then I'm gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body and put them in a plastic bag. Then I'm gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I'm gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown Special with your ashes burning IN MY FUCKING HOUSE! AGH!

Murray: Gus?

Gus: What?

Murray: What's that smell?

Gus: Shut up.

[Gus on the phone with a bartender]

Gus: Is there a Murray there?

Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a Murray here?

[Into the phone]

Bartender: I don't think he's here, pal.

Gus: See if there's a waste of fucking life named Murray, try that.

Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?

Murray: Gussy? Yeah that's me.

Murray: [On the phone] How do I know this is Gussy?

Gus: Because the next time I see you I'm gonna tear all the hair outta your balls ONE BY ONE, you fuckin' mule! How about that?

Gus: [into phone] Murray! How are ya, pal?

Murray: I'm fine Gussie. How are you?

Gus: Oh, just a little tired after running for ten hundred

[yells]

Gus: fuckin' miles because there was no fuckin' car waiting for me!

[beats the phone against the counter numerous times, then back into phone]

Gus: What did I tell you? I told you to act like a drunk vagrant imbecile! Is that too much of a *fuckin'* stretch?

Murray: One wish per customer and no wishes for more wishes. They plugged that loophole up years ago. In past years there were abuses.

Claudia: How DARE you mock me?

Murray: [in a mocking voice] How DARE you mock me?

Claudia: Cut it Out!

Murray: Cut it...!

[before he could finish Claudia grabs his throat]

Murray: [officer leaves Murray in between the bars] Officer! Wait! Are you going to get a donut?

Arnold: I know you'll find this hard to comprehend, but I want more out of life than meeting a pretty face and sitting down on it.

Murray: Graphically put!

Bertha Vanation: Just wait until you see my act: Bertha Vanation and her Dance of the Virgin.

Murray: Which she does COMPLETELY from memory.

Bertha Vanation: Bitch!

Murray: [to Arnold, who has shut himself off from any intimate contact after the death of his lover] Alan died, honey - not you.

Murray: Now if only that idiot Ed will settle down.

Arnold: You must be begging for a slap, Ed's the last thing I need right now.

Arnold: Exactly my point. Ed is the last thing you need. You have everything else: looks, a career, money enough to keep your figure, and someone who depends on you. Now all you need is someone on whom you can depend.

Murray: You got a wallet?

George Kellerman: Uh, no, no wallet. Just the cash. I never carry a wallet.

Gwen Kellerman: Give him your wallet, George!

[to Murray]

Gwen Kellerman: It's in his left pocket!

Murray: I just want him to stay with me until I can be sure he won't turn into Norman Nothing. I want to be sure he'll know when he's chickening out on himself. I want him to get to know exactly the special thing he is or else he won't notice it when it starts to go. I want him to stay awake and know who the phonies are, I want him to know how to holler and put up an argument, I want a little guts to show before I can let him go. I want to be sure he sees all the wild possibilities. I want him to know it's worth all the trouble just to give the world a little goosing when you get the chance. And I want him to know the subtle, sneaky, important reason why he was born a human being and not a chair.

Murray: [Leans out his apartment window] This is your neighbor speaking. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that something must be done about your garbage cans in the alley here.

[raises voice]

Murray: It is definitely second-rate garbage. Now, by next week I want to see a better class of garbage, more empty champagne bottles and caviar cans! I'm sure you're all behind me on this. So let's snap it up and get on the ball!

Nick: I can imitate the voice of Alexander Hamilton. I do Alexander Hamilton, and Murray does a terrific Thomas Jefferson. We got the voices just right.

[Murray and Nick speak to each other in normal tones throughout]

Murray: [to Nick] Hi, Alex, how're you doing?

Nick: Fine. Say, Tom, you should have been in Congress today.

Leo: This is ridiculous! You can't do an imitation of Alexander Hamilton, nobody knows what he sounds like!

Nick: That's the funny part.

Murray: You missed the funny part, Leo.

[in a candlelit restaurant]

Waiter: Have you decided on your luncheon order, sir?

Murray: Yes. I'll have a hamburger. And a flashlight.

Murray: Nick, in a moment you are going to see a horrible thing.

Nick: What's that?

Murray: People going to work.

Sandra: There is a kind of relief that it's gone - the job, and even Albert. But I know what it is, it's just irresponsible, that's all. And I don't have the vaguest idea who I am.

Murray: It's just that there are all these Sandras running around who you've never met before, and it's confusing at first, fantastic. But damn it, isn't it great to find out how many Sandras there are? It's like those little cars in the circus, you know? This tiny red car comes out, hardly big enough for a midget, and it putters around, and suddenly its doors open and out come a thousand clowns, whooping and hollering and raising hell.

Murray: Five months ago I was on the subway on my way to work, was sitting on the express same as every morning looking out the window watching the local stops go by in the dark with an empty head and my arms folded, not feeling great, not feeling rotten, just not feeling. And for a minute I couldn't remember, I didn't know, unless I really concentrated, whether it was a Tuesday or a Thursday or a... for a minute it could have been any day, Arn.

[Stands up]

Murray: I gotta know what day it is. I gotta know what's the name of the game and what the rules are without anyone else telling me. You gotta own your own days and name 'em, each one of 'em, every one of 'em, or else the years go right by and none of them belong to you. And that ain't just for weekends, kiddo.

Murray: If things aren't funny then they're exactly what they are; and then they're like a long dental appointment.

Murray: Better go to your room.

Nick: This is a one-room apartment.

Murray: OK, then go to your alcove.

Murray: [answers phone] Hello, is this someone with good news or money? No? Goodbye!

[hangs up]

Murray: You might call Nick a bastard... or a little bastard, depending on how whimsical you feel at the time.

[first lines]

Murray: [shouts at rows of houses] Neighbors, I have an announcement for you. I have never seen such a collection of dirty windows. Now I want to see all of you out there on the fire escape with your Mr. Clean bottles, and let's snap it up!

Murray: You didn't answer my question. Would you like to visit the Empire State Building?

Sandra: No, not really.

Murray: Well, then how about the zoo?

Sandra: Not just now.

Murray: Well, then will you marry me?

Sandra: What?

Murray: Just a bit of shock treatment there. I have found after long experience that it's the quickest way to get a woman's attention when her mind wanders. Always works.

Albert: Miss Markowitz did not show up in Queens yesterday.

Murray: So?

Albert: Her parents are quite upset. I am quite upset. Where is she?

Murray: She's hiding in the closet.

Albert: We're really all quite anxious to know where she is.

Murray: Well, I'm not kidding, Albert. She's in the closet.

Albert: [Goes to closet, opens door, looks in, closes door, walks back] She is in the closet.

Murray: I wouldn't lie to you, Albert.

Albert: Why is she in the closet?

Murray: Well, I don't know. She's got this thing about closets.

Albert: That's a very silly thing for her to be in that closet.

Murray: Well, don't knock it until you've tried it.

Murray: [Takes off his hat] Sandy, I... I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

[Sandra doesn't respond]

Murray: Well, damn it, lady, that was a beautiful apology. I mean, you gotta love a guy who can apologize so nice. I rehearsed for over an hour. Aw, Sandy, that's the most you should expect from life, a really good apology for all the things you won't get.

[last lines]

Murray: [shouting at rows of houses] Campers! The entertainment committee was quite disappointed in the really poor turnout at this morning's community sing. I mean, where's all that old Camp Chickawattamee spirit? I'm sure I speak for all of us here when I say that I...

[pause]

Murray: Now, I'd like to say right now that... that...

[softly]

Murray: Campers, I can't think of anything to say.

Murray: Tell you the truth, it's even a little better for me if he goes. I mean, he's a middle-aged kid. When I signed up with the network he sat up all night figuring out the fringe benefits and the pension plan. And he started to make lists this year. Lists of everything; subway stops, underwear, what he's gonna do next week. If somebody doesn't watch out he'll start making lists of what he's gonna do next year and for the next ten years. Hey, suppose they put him with a whole family of list makers. I didn't spend six years with him so he should turn into a list maker. He'll learn to know everything before it happens, he'll learn to plan, he'll learn how to be one of the nice dead people. Are you listening?

Murray: Irving R. Feldman's birthday is my own personal national holiday. I did not open it up for the public. He is proprietor of perhaps the most distinguished kosher delicatessen in our neighborhood, and, as such, I hold the day of his birth in reverence.

Nick: We got to get rid of him!

Murray: [hugging Nick] Nick...

Nick: We got to! Please!

Murray: Nick, we can't. We can't. Aw, kid, I'm sorry. Sorry, kid. I'm sorry.

Albert: I was not aware that Nicholas was an O.W. child.

Murray: O.W.?

Albert: Out of wedlock.

Murray: For a moment there, I thought you meant prisoner of war. I think it's that natural warmth of yours, Albert, that leads me to misunderstand.

Albert: Would you care to describe the circumstances under which you left the employ of...

Murray: I quit.

Albert: You felt that this was not the work for you.

Murray: No, I felt that I wasn't reaching all the boys and girls out there in television land. Actually, it was not so much I wasn't reaching the boys and girls, but the boys and girls were starting to reach me. Six months ago a perfectly adult bartender asked me if I'd like an onion in my martini, and I said, "Gosh and gollies, you betcha!" Well, I knew it was time to quit.

Albert: ...after I leave here... from this place... from your mind. And regardless of what you think of me...

Murray: I think you're a dirty O.W.

Albert: [slight pause] And do you know what you are? Maladjusted!

Murray: Ooh!

[Strikes heart and sinks to the floor]

Sandra: Well, Murray, um, to sort of return to reality for a moment...

Murray: I'll only go as a tourist.

Murray: Is it true what they're sayin', he's some kinda vampire?

Clarice Starling: They don't have a name for what he is.

Murray: [assessing the mutilated Sergeant Pembry] He's alive. Sergeant Tate, he's alive !

Sergeant Tate: Get a hold of him more and feel his hand son, talk to him.

Murray: What do I say?

Sergeant Tate: It's Jim Pembry now talk to him dammit!

Murray: What are you doing Derek? This is your family.

Derek Vinyard: Right, my family. My family so you know what? I don't give two shits about you or anybody else or what you think. You're not a part of it and you never will be.

Murray: That has nothing to do with it!

Derek Vinyard: Oh it doesn't? You don't think I see what you're trying to do here? You think I'm gonna sit here and smile while some fuckin' kike tries to fuck my mother? It's never gonna happen Murray, fuckin' forget it, not on my watch, not while I'm in this family. I will fuckin' cut your Shylock nose off and stick it up your ass before I let that happen. Coming in here and poisoning my family's dinner with your Jewish, nigger-loving, hippie bullshit. Fuck you! Fuck you! Yeah, walk out, asshole, fuckin' Kabbalah reading motherfucker. Get the fuck out of my house.

Murray: I'm so sorry Doris. I really am. He's gone.

Doris Vinyard: He's just a boy. Without a father.

Murray: Doris, you don't know the world your children are living in.

Murray: Derek, what are you trying to prove?

Murray: He's lost.

Murray: [the boys have been discussing Aunt Marion] Now, boys, just because Aunt Marion is getting on...

Mark Thorn: On our nerves!

Godfrey D. Scott: My name is Scott. I believe you know my father

Murray: Not Rufus Scott's son?

Godfrey D. Scott: The same. Unless the old gentleman has been fooling me.

Murray: Oh, I remember. He told me once that you were either a genius in your own special line - or an idiot.

Godfrey D. Scott: Ha-ha. Well I may be the former and being the former, I may be the later.

Major Dalby: [at the armorers] Give him your gun. Issue him with a Colt .32.

Murray: [hands Palmer a revolver] Do you know how to use this?

Palmer: Colt .32? Yes. I'd sooner have my automatic...

Major Dalby: [sternly] Use the Colt.

Palmer: I'll use the Colt.

Murray: Laugh it up, you bunch of cowards.

KC: You're the one hiding in the tree, man.

Murray: No shit, Einstein! 'Cause you're a gang, I can't beat a fucking *gang*!

Shark: A gang? We're not a gang. More like a... More like a... A squad of self-directed urban park-rangers.

Murray: Hey! Get help! I'll pay you. Call the police! I need help! I'm serious. I've got money.

Homeless Man: Pass. Thanks. Because it all flows back.

Homeless Man: Spare a little money, sir? Any change will help.

Murray: Sorry. Pass. Thanks ...

Homeless Man: It all flows back, you know!

Murray: Get out of my way. Come on, look.

[Cater blocks him, moving back and forth]

Murray: What? Are we dancing here or what?

Murray: I'm sorry.

Shark: No, no, no. I said you need to come down, here, and apologize, you know, face to face, like a man. Not up there, like a squirrel.

Murray: You see, I know people. And if you had a way to get me down, like a gun or something, you'd have used it by now.

Shark: [laughs] A gun? Murray! Using a gun is like making your baby sister cry uncle.

Carter: Well... weren't *we* jacking *him*?

Murray: Uh... Yeah!

Murray: [at the top of his lungs] Fucking help me!

Murray: Shark? Did he just call you Shark? Very West Side Story.

Murray: Not that it's any of my business, or anything, but... Who made you the boss, Shark? Huh? I mean, how does one come to lead a half-assed punk gang? Is it a credit/point system, or something? Or were you elected by a body of your peers? Or... Hey! Maybe it's a system of birth-right! Was your daddy a Shark, too?

KC: Why don't you shut the fuck up! You don't know nothin', you whitebread country club prick!

Murray: [flicks a lit match at him] I'm not talking to you, dipshit.

Murray: [to Shark] From what I can see, you're the boss because you threaten, you manipulate and you intimidate. You're a bully. It's how Hitler got into power.

Carter: Yo! You calling us Nazis?

Murray: Well hey, if the jackboot fits, shorty...

Carter: Shows what you know! My grandpa faught the Nazis.

Murray: Oh yeah? Well, I bet your grandpa is just bursting with pride in you now.

Carter: Fuck you!

Murray: Good answer!

Shark: Look, look. Don't nobody talk to the squirrel no more.

Murray: See, censorship! Next, he'll be shutting down our newspapers!

Murray: I'm just saying... Why doesn't someone else get to be the leader. How about a little democracy here? I mean, big guy opened the briefcase without damaging it.

[to Dwayne]

Murray: You know, why don't you run for leadership? You could campaign for a kinder, gentler approach to terrorizing the park.

[Dwayne smiles to himself]

Murray: Okay. We may have to work on your communication skills first, but... Yeah. It's a good start.

KC: [holds up a picture] This your wife, Murray? Huh? Gotta cut back on the cake, you know?

Murray: Your powers of observation astound, Holmes. She's pregnant, not fat.

KC: Oh yeah? Who's the father?

Murray: Slut!

Kelly: Takes one to know one, John.

Murray: So it's... It's getting really dark. What do you say we end this? You win, all right?

Shark: You coming down?

Murray: You guys go, you take my stuff, you take my apologies, and you leave knowing that you beat me. Then, I'll come down, you know, go home and you'll never... Never see me again.

Shark: [laughs] So, you're gonna let us win? Okay. We win! Yay!

[stops laughing]

Shark: You *arrogant* fuck. You think I give two shits that it's getting dark, huh? Is that the best you got, Murray? What the fuck did you think I was gonna say? "That was a great chat, buddy. I'm so glad that we were able to see eye to eye on this issue. You're free to go, now."

Murray: You think you're in charge? You think you're just gonna walk away? Well, fuck you, Sharkly! How long before someone comes through here, huh? I mean, we're not on a desert island, right? I say dawn, seven a.m. at the latest, there'll be joggers. It's a park. It's a public fucking park! I'm gonna hunt you down, you little psycho. You and your whole Manson family: Kelly, Dwayne, K fucking C! Oh yeah. I haven't just been sitting up here, jerking off. How long do you think it's gonna take the police to track down that group of names, huh? Just with that stupid fucking nickname, Shark. How many high schools need to be checked, how many police records?

Kelly: [scared] I knew it. Fuck.

KC: Shark?

Murray: [yells louder and louder as the scene goes on] Let her go, bat-boy, it doesn't matter, now. You had your chance. But you're all fucked now! Each one of you! You hear me, Shark? You're gonna lose! I'll tell you something about people like me: people like me win! You hear me?

[at the top of his lungs]

Murray: I'm gonna fuck you, but good! So come and get it!

Murray: Sorry, I, uh... I didn't catch your name.

Carter: [in pain] Carter.

Murray: Carter. You got a first name?

Carter: James... ow...

Murray: [laughing] Jimmy Carter? No kiddin', huh?

[takes his wallet back]

Murray: Well, thank you, Mr. President, but you can forget about a reward.

Murray: You know, I'll bet if we took a vote right now, Carter, here, would be on the dissenting side, huh?

Murray: It's over, scumbag. You do value your friend, and you know something? That's good. For me.

[takes out the knife]

Murray: You know how to stop the bleeding from a major artery? You have to isolate the wound, press down. Believe it or not, I actually did it once. Life rescue. But you gotta be right the first time ...

Kelly: Don't.

Murray: Oh, I think so. Here's the plan: I'm gonna cut your friend and I'm gonna drop him. Then I'm gonna tell you how to pinch off the bleeding while someone goes for help. No help, he's dead in 15 minutes. Okay, everybody ready? Or maybe we can spare him the trouble, huh? Send the big guy to the park right now. If he's back with the cops in 15 minutes, I won't poke a hole in the president.

Shark: Nobody's leaving.

Kelly: Yes, okay? Just don't.

Murray: Okay. Anybody else wanna vote for my plan?

Murray: [about Dwayne] The big dumb beast returns, but now, it can talk.

[Everyone is hiding in the bushes from the Raven]

Murray: [laughing] Oh, you guys, you've gotta admit, you are not looking so tough at the moment.

[yells]

Murray: Oh, Raven! Oh, oh, Raven!

Shark: [whispering] Shut the fuck up!

Murray: Yo, Raven, over here, I've got some chumps for you to blood.

Dwayne: Stop it, please.

Murray: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I getting the lingo wrong?

Dwayne: You don't know what you're doing.

Murray: Oh, yes, I do. I'm calling...

[shouts]

Murray: Raven! Oh!

Dwayne: Shh! They'll kill you.

Murray: Haven't you heard? I'm already slated for death. I mean, it comes up every five minutes, for Christ's sake!

Murray: And Dwayne, if you genuinely care about that girl, you may want to ask yourself: "What did Shark require in exchange for that little bit of rock?"

Murray: [to Shark] You couldn't get an *apple* out of a tree, let alone me. And you only got till sunrise. I'd use the time to... get out of town, guppy.

Carter: Now what?

Murray: Well, if the past is any indication, Sharky will rant and rave about how he's gonna kill me, and then... I'll try and muster a little fear, but it's getting kind of tough, because, you know, he's proving to be quite the useless little turd.

KC: [to Shark] What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you remember? I watched your back. I saved your ass. Me! I'm the one who's down! I'm fucking down! You liar!

Murray: You'd know all about lies, wouldn't you, chump? With your phoney South-Side-Projects accent and your well-rehearsed Homeboy posture. Your prewashed hoodie and your warehouse outlet sneakers. It's all a lie, isn't it? You slipped when you nailed my briefcase as a Ferocco. It's very uptown.

KC: Fuck you!

Murray: Yep! You're the pretender. Naughty little rich boy, slummin' it with a real down and dirty crowd. A wannabe!

KC: You don't know what the fuck... You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, so just shut the fuck up!

Murray: I know what I'm talking about, all right. I know you better than you know yourself. I can see right into you because I made you. I dressed you. You reek of every billboard, every magazine cover, every commercial I put out over the last two years. You're a perfect demographic fit. You know, mid-teen, male, upper-middle income, bored, hip-hop listening, underage drinking, pathologically masturbating little consumer. Am I wrong, Shark? Hmm? Ever been to his house? Bet you haven't. No, the ever-enthusiastic KC just kind of shows up from time to time, huh?

Murray: [to KC] You know it's just fashion, right? You're supposed to wear it to the mall, you're not supposed to let it develop into a teenage psychopathology, you simp.

Murray: Don't you think it'd be just a little safer if you just let mommy and daddy pay for a little analysis instead of acting out your rampant, testosterone-driven blood lust?

KC: Man, fuck off!

Murray: They're gonna kick your lights out, you know... Maybe you'd better run home, back to your videogames, your computer chat-rooms and your microwavable cuisine.

KC: [Murray's breathing hard] Gonna have a heart attack, Murray.

Murray: Thought you'd be home by now. Snuggled in the bosom of your au pair.

Murray: [to KC] What are you gorpin' at, wannabe?

Kelly: [to Dwayne] No... No, I hate you! I hate you! Let go of me! You're a fucking leech. You're a moping, hag, dog, stupid waste of a fucking life! Fuck! Just leave me the fuck alone! Leave me alone!

Murray: Dwayne. You deserve better than this. I know... I know people. And you gotta know, she doesn't feel about you the way you feel about her. I mean, you think she's your girl? You think she'll be faithful? You think she cares? She doesn't care. I know that's hard for you to understand, now.

Dwayne: You don't know what you're talking about.

Murray: I'm not trying to hurt you, here. Just open your eyes. Fuck! Kelly's a... Kelly is a...

Dwayne: My sister. She's my sister. You know, I'm listenin' to you, sittin' up there just, you know, talking and talking, like you got everything all figured out. 'Cause you, yeah, you know people. You don't know shit, Murray. We're not people. We're just a bunch of cowards and punks and traitors, right?

Murray: No.

Dwayne: 'Cause if we were people, then you might have to care. And you just don't give a fuck, do you?

Murray: No, I care.

Dwayne: Oh, you care? Yeah, who do you care about, huh? Your wife?

Murray: Of course.

Dwayne: Or your mistress? Care about your boy... or your dealer? Your six-figure job: breathmints, dandruff shampoo... What do you really care about, huh? You care about Carter? Do you have *any* idea what you've done to him? Do you? Care about me? Is that why you gotta tell me about Kelly? All right. You know people. What is she then? My sister's a what?

Murray: I was just gonna say that...

Dwayne: [yelling] My sister's a what?

Murray: Kelly's a... Kelly's addicted to drugs.

Dwayne: [smiling] No shit! You're a real people person, all right!

Murray: Please, James. Let them kill me. Give Shark the gun. Just walk away.

Carter: Walk away?

[voice breaking]

Carter: Walk away where?

[last lines]

Murray: [about KC] He's right. The cops are gonna come with the ambulance. You should go.

[Shark shakes his head no]

Kelly: I'm stayin' too.