Mrs. Doubtfire Quotes in Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

[a mugger tries to snatch Mrs. Doubtfire's purse]

Mrs. Doubtfire: [grabbing him] BACK OFF!, go on, BEAT IT!

Daniel: [startled, the mugger runs off]

Mrs. Doubtfire: [slipping back into character] Broke my bag, the bastard. Ooh!

Miranda: What happened?

Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.

Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?

Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?

Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

[last lines]

Mrs. Doubtfire: [reading a letter] "Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye.

Stu: [about Daniel] What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.

[Takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes.

Miranda: [about Stu] Isn't he fabulous?

Mrs. Doubtfire: If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.

Miranda: He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other intentions.

Miranda: This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, alright?

Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, certainly, dear.

Miranda: How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away... Did you feel any desire...?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Never.

Miranda: Never?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Never again.

Miranda: Never again?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.

Miranda: Celibacy?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you! Good luck.

Bus Driver: [after noticing Mrs. Doubtfire has hairy legs] I like that Mediterranean look in women. Natural, healthy. Just the way God made you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [modestly] Well, He broke the mold when He made me. He made me very special.

Bus Driver: He sure did.

[Trying to get false teeth out of glass]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.

[at the pool]

Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you, dear.

[Stu leaves]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?

Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.

Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."

Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.

Miranda: Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny! He could always make me laugh.

Mrs. Doubtfire: They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter.

Miranda: But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Why?

Miranda: I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [crushed] Really?

Miranda: The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, you never... I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear?

Miranda: Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then *I* was serious enough for everybody.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all.

Miranda: Who needs a husband when I've got you?

[at the pool]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Not a single body that exists in nature, look at that.

Lydie: [looks askance at Mrs. Doubtfire]

Mrs. Doubtfire: [in a threatening tone] Lydie.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [after monkey jumps up and scares her] Ooooh, you wicked, wicked monkey!

Mrs. Doubtfire: Can you help me with something, I found this outside.

[holds up Mercedes hood ornament]

Stu: Uh, yes, this is off my, uh, Mercedes.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [after turning the TV off and tossing the remote into the aquarium] Between the hours of 3 PM and 7 PM, I'm in charge. And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do *not* follow the schedule will be punished.

Natalie: [whispering to Lydie] Punished?

Natalie: She's lying. She'd never punish us.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [evilly] Don't fuss with me.

Mrs. Doubtfire: All right everybody, it's time to expand your minds, it's...

[turns off the TV]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Homework time. Okay?

Lydie: [turns the TV back on with the remote] Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [turns off the TV] No. Now.

Lydie: [impatiently] No.

[turns the TV back on]

Lydie: We always watch Dick Van Dyke.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Really? Well, not anymore.

[takes the remote control from Lydia and throws it in the air. It lands straight into the aquarium]

Mrs. Doubtfire: The only thing you'll be watching... is Deep CNN.

Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [startled] What?

Miranda: You're going into the men's room.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses.

Maitre D': Smoking or non-smoking?

Stu: Non-smoking.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Smoking!

Stu: [asking the family if they'd like to go in the pool] How about you, Mrs. Doubtfire?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, you wicked, wicked man! Isn't there enough flesh here to feast your eyes on?

Stu: Oh, come now, Mrs. Doubtfire, don't be bashful.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear. I think they've outlawed whaling.

Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?

Miranda: Yes, I did.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!

[at a fancy swimming pool]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Isn't this posh? I'll bet it's very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.

[Mrs. Doubtfire is trying to discourage Miranda's new suiter]

Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness.

Miranda: Are you OK?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood, that would make my day! He is such a stud muffin!

Lydie: I just want to apologize for being such a pain today.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, dear, it's all right.

Lydie: No, I'm - I'm really sorry. It's just, I'm still kind of messed up about everything.

Mrs. Doubtfire: We all are, sweetie.

Lydie: What?

Mrs. Doubtfire: I just mean I understand the pain you're all going through.

Lydie: Yeah. Well, I also wanted to thank you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: For what?

Lydie: For making my mom so happy.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh...

[chuckles]

Lydie: She hasn't been in this good a mood since... I can't even remember. It's been a long time.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Look, Nattie. That's called liposuction.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston.

[after Daniel has lost his mask]

Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Can I give you a hand?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear, I don't need a hand.

Daniel: [in his own Daniel] I need a face.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [as the Meringue mask is "melting" off Daniel's face] As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear. I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Marriage can be such a blessing.

Miranda: So can divorce.

Mrs. Doubtfire: I must look like a yeti in this getup!

Mrs. Doubtfire: [on the show] Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could it be and do we have enough time?

[opens the door and finds the mailman]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls! Hello, Mr. Sprinkles!

Mrs. Doubtfire: [Appears over the fridge with cream cake all over her face] HELLO!

[Mrs Sellner screams]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Aw I'm so sorry to frighten you, dear, I must look like a YETI in this getup!