Mr. Smee Quotes in Peter Pan (1953)

[at Skull Rock, Peter Pan has disguised his voice to sound like Captain Hook to trick Mr. Smee into returning Princess Tiger Lily to the Indians. The real Hook notices Smee rowing past him, out of Skull Rock]

Mr. Smee: Well, at last, Captain Hook's comin' to his senses.

Captain Hook: [surprised] Odd's fish!

Mr. Smee: [to Tiger Lily] I told him all along you Indians wouldn't betray Peter Pan.

Captain Hook: [sweetly] And just what do you think you are doing, Mr. Smee?

[He stops the rowboat from moving by placing his foot on it]

Mr. Smee: Just what you told me, Captain: carrying out your orders.

Captain Hook: My orders?

Mr. Smee: Why, yes, Captain. Didn't you just say to go...

Captain Hook: [shoving Smee's rowboat back into Skull Rock] Put her back, you blithering idiot!

[to himself]

Captain Hook: My orders. Of all the bumbling...

[At Skull Rock, Peter Pan is out of Smee's sight impersonating Captain Hook]

Peter Pan: Mr. Smee! Just exactly what do you think you're doing?

Mr. Smee: Putting her back like you said, Captain.

Peter Pan: I said nothing of the sort!

Mr. Smee: Oh, uh... b-but Cap...

Peter Pan: For the last time, Mr. Smee, take the princess back to her people!

[screams]

Peter Pan: *UNDERSTAND*?

Mr. Smee: Aye, aye, sir.

Peter Pan: Oh, and one more thing. When you return to the ship, tell the whole crew to help themselves to me best rum.

Captain Hook: [about to lower a bomb into Peter Pan's hideout] And now, Smee, to take care of master Peter Pan.

Mr. Smee: But, Captain, wouldn't it be more humane-like to slit his throat?

Captain Hook: Aye, that it would, Mr Smee. But I have given me word not to lay a finger, or a hook, on Peter Pan. And Captain Hook never breaks a promise.

[the pirates see Peter Pan and the Darling children coming, so they get ready to shoot them down]

Captain Hook: I've waited years for this.

Mr. Smee: That's not countin' the holidays, either.

[Captain Hook and Mr. Smee have decided to kidnap Wendy so Peter Pan would never see her again]

Captain Hook: Come, Smee, we must leave immediately. We'll surround Peter's home...

Mr. Smee: But Captain, we don't know where Peter Pan lives.

Captain Hook: Great Scott, you're right, Smee!

[Tinker Bell flies over to them and then flies over to a map of Never Land]

Captain Hook: What's that, my dear? You could show us the way? Why, I never thought of that.

[to Smee]

Captain Hook: Take this down, Smee.

Mr. Smee: "Take this down, Smee." Aye-aye, Captain.

[Smee takes out a quill pen and a piece of paper while Tinker Bell dips her shoes in an inkwell and then lands on a part of the Never Land map marked Pegleg Point]

Captain Hook: Start at Pegleg Point...

Mr. Smee: [writing in the paper] "Start at Pegleg Point... "

[Tinker Bell walks across the map to another area marked Blindman's Bluff]

Captain Hook: Forty paces west to Blindman's Bluff...

Mr. Smee: [writing] "Blindman's Bluff... "

[Tinker Bell hops across a part of the map with a creek on it and then walks toward the northeastern end of the map]

Captain Hook: [nervously] Yes, yes. A hop, skip and a jump across Crocodile Creek and then nor' by nor'east, one, two, three...

[loses patience]

Captain Hook: Well, get on with...

[calms down]

Captain Hook: Continue, my dear.

[Tinker Bell suddenly gets angry and she flies up in Hook's face, wagging her finger at him]

Captain Hook: I mustn't harm Peter? Madam, Captain Hook gives his word not to lay a finger...

[Tinker Bell hooks her finger]

Captain Hook: ... or a hook... on Peter Pan.

[Tinker Bell flies over to an area of the Never Land map marked Hangman's Tree and puts an X on it with her inked shoe heels]

Captain Hook: Ah, Hangman's Tree! So *that's* the entrance to his hiding place!

[Hook grabs Tinker Bell and locks her in a lantern]

Captain Hook: Thank you, me dear, you've been most helpful.

Mr. Smee: [outside the door where Captain Hook is sitting with a cold]

[holding a hammer]

Mr. Smee: Shhhh! The Captain has a splitting headache. We mustn't annoy him.

[looking away as Captain Hook comes out, about to attack Mr. Smee when Mr. Smee accidentally hits Captain Hook in the forehead with the hammer. Mr. Smee vibrates as Captain Hook staggers back into the room and collapses back onto the chair. Dazed. Smee walks in with a kettle of hot water. Takes a look at Captain Hook]

Mr. Smee: Well, Captain. It's nice to see you smiling again. Brings back the good old days when we was leading a healthy, normal life, scuttling ships, cutting throats.

[Puts a thermometer in Captain Hook's mouth]

Mr. Smee: Oh Captain, why don't we go to sea again?

[starts pouring the hot water into the bucket where Captain Hook's feet are]

Mr. Smee: You know, there's trouble brewing on the island. Women trouble. I wouldn't want this to go any farther, but...

[not realizing the bucket is filling with hot water]

Mr. Smee: the cook told me, that the first mate told him...

[the thermometer in Captain Hook's mouth starts to rise as Captain Hook's face turns red]

Mr. Smee: ...that he heard... that Pan has banished Tinkerbell.

[the thermometer pops at the end]

Captain Hook: WOOOOOAH!

[Jumps up off the chair out of the bucket of hot water with his feet red hot and bumps his head against the ceiling as Smee falls over]

Captain Hook: Why you doddering imbecile, I...

[pulls the kettle off of his head]

Captain Hook: Did you say Pan has banished Tinkerbell?

[the time bomb that Hook had delivered Peter had just gone off]

Captain Hook: So passes on a worthy opponent.

Mr. Smee: Amen.

Mr. Smee: Oh, dear, dear, dear, Captain Hook. Shooting a man in the middle of his cadenza? That ain't good form, you know.

Captain Hook: "Good form," Mr. Smee?

[suddenly yelling]

Captain Hook: Blast good form!

[waves his hook in front of Smee]

Captain Hook: Did Pan show good form when he did *this* to me?

Mr. Smee: Why, Captain, cutting your hand off was only a childish prank, you might say.

Captain Hook: Aye, but throwing it to that crocodile! That cursed beast liked the taste of me so well he's followed me ever since, licking his chops for the rest of me.

Mr. Smee: And he would've had you by now, Captain, if he hadn't swallowed that alarm clock. But now, when he's about, he'd warn you, as you might say, with his tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

[Mr. Smee has captured a brooding Tinker Bell and taken her to Captain Hook, who is playing the piano, while Smee is drinking]

Captain Hook: Yes, Miss Bell, Captain Hook admits defeat. Tomorrow, I leave the island, never to return.

Mr. Smee: I'm glad to hear that, Captain.

[he hiccups]

Mr. Smee: I'll tell the crew and...

[he hiccups again and tries to leave, but Hook trips him up and he falls down]

Captain Hook: [to Tinker Bell] And that's why I asked you over, me dear, to tell Peter I bear him no ill will. Oh, Pan has his faults, to be sure. Bringing that Wendy to the island, for instance. Dangerous business, that. Why, rumor has it that already she has come between you and Peter.

[he notices that Tinker Bell is on the verge of tears]

Captain Hook: But what's this? Tears? Then it *is* true.

[to Smee]

Captain Hook: Oh, Smee, the way of a man with a maid: taking the best years of her life and then casting her aside like an old glove!

Mr. Smee: [crying] Ain't it a bloomin'...

[he hiccups]

Mr. Smee: ... shame?

Captain Hook: [handing a handkerchief to Tinker Bell] But we musn't judge Peter too harshly, my dear. It's that Wendy who's to blame.

[Tinker Ball nods in agreement; Hook then turns to Smee]

Captain Hook: Mr. Smee, we must save the lad from himself. But how?

[Smee just cries]

Captain Hook: We've so little time; we sail in the morning. Sail? That's it, Smee!

[he slaps Smee on the back and Smee falls down again]

Captain Hook: We'll shanghai Wendy!

Mr. Smee: Shanghai Wendy, Captain?

Captain Hook: Take her to sea with us. With her gone, Peter will soon forget this mad infatuation.

Mr. Smee: [referring to Neverland] This ain't no place for a respectable pirate.

Captain Hook: Blast that Peter Pan! If I could only find his hideout, I'd trap him in his lair. But where is it?

[He examines a map of Neverland]

Captain Hook: Mermaid Lagoon? No, we've search that. And we've combed Cannibal Cove.

[He then lands his hook on an area of the map marked Indian Camp]

Captain Hook: Here! No. No, no, no, that's Indian territ... But wait. Those redskins know this island better than I do me own ship. Ah, I wonder.

Mr. Smee: [walking up] Good morning, Captain.

Captain Hook: [grabbing Smee] I've got it! Tiger Lily, Smee!

Mr. Smee: [nervously] T-T-Tiger Lily, Captain?

Captain Hook: The chief's daughter. She'll know where Pan is hiding.

Mr. Smee: B-B-But-But will she talk, Captain?

Captain Hook: Oh, a little persuasion might be in order. Now let me see... Boiling in oil? Uh, keelhauling? Eh, marooning?

Mr. Smee: [singing] Crook... crook... crickety-crockety crickety-crook, the croc is after Captain Hook -

[Hook hits him on the head]

Captain Hook: [catching Mr. Smee leaving his cabin] And where do you think you are going?

Mr. Smee: To tell the boys we sails with the tide, sir.

Captain Hook: You will go ashore, pick up Tinker Bell, and bring her to me.

[shouts]

Captain Hook: UNDERSTAND?

Mr. Smee: [saluting Hook] Aye-aye sir!

[Mr. Smee charges through the wall, lands in a boat, goes flying overboard and rows to the shore very fast]

Mr. Smee: [Catches Tinkerbell using his hat as a sack] Begging your pardon Miss Bell, but Captain Hook would like a word with you.