Mr. Salt Quotes in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Mr. Salt: [as the squirrels take Veruca] Where are they taking her?

Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad nuts go, to the garbage chute.

Mr. Salt: Where does the chute go?

Willy Wonka: To the incinerator. But don't worry, we only light it on Tuesdays.

Mike Teavee: Today *is* Tuesday.

Willy Wonka: [after a pause] Well, there's always a chance they decided not to light it today.

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels, I want one!

Mr. Salt: Veruca dear, you have many marvelous pets.

Veruca Salt: All I've got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle, and a silly old hamster! I WANT a SQUIRREL!

Mr. Salt: All right, pet. Daddy'll get you a squirrel just as soon as he possibly can.

Veruca Salt: But I don't want any old squirrel! I want a *trained* squirrel!

Mr. Salt: [wearily] Very well. Mr. Wonka? How much do you want for one of these squirrels? Name your price.

Willy Wonka: Oh they're not for sale. She can't have one.

Veruca Salt: Daddy!

Willy Wonka: [imitating Mr. Salt] I'm sorry, darling. Mr. Wonka's being unreasonable.

Willy Wonka: [about Violet grabbing the gum] I'd rather you didn't. There's still one or two things that are a...

Violet Beauregarde: I'm the World Record holder in chewing gum. I'm not afraid of anything!

[pops the gum in her mouth]

Mrs. Beauregarde: How is it, honey?

Violet Beauregarde: It's amazing! Tomato soup, I can feel it running down my throat!

Willy Wonka: Yeah! Spit it out.

Grandpa Joe: Young lady, I think you'd better...

Violet Beauregarde: It's changing... roast beef and baked potato. Crispy skin and butter!

Mrs. Beauregarde: Keep chewin' kiddo! My little girl's gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!

Willy Wonka: Yeah. I'm just a little concerned about the...

Violet Beauregarde: Blueberry pie and ice cream!

Willy Wonka: That part.

Veruca Salt: [staring at Violet] What's happening to her nose?

[Violet keeps chewing and her nose starts turning purple]

Mr. Salt: You're turning blue!

Mrs. Beauregarde: Your whole nose has gone purple!

Violet Beauregarde: [touching her nose] W-What do you mean?

Mrs. Beauregarde: Violet, you're turning violet!

[to Wonka; concerned]

Mrs. Beauregarde: What's happening?

Willy Wonka: Well, I told you I hadn't quite got it right, 'cause it goes a little funny when it gets to the dessert. It's the Blueberry Pie that does it. I'm terribly sorry!

Violet Beauregarde: Mother, what's happening to me?

[continues to turn purple and starts to grow]

Grandpa Joe: She's swelling up!

Charlie Bucket: Like a blueberry!

Willy Wonka: [to Mrs. Beauregarde] I've tried it on, like, twenty Oompa-Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!

Mrs. Beauregarde: But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?

Veruca Salt: You could put her in a county fair!

[Wonka laughs]

Veruca Salt: Daddy! I want a flying glass elevator!

Mr. Salt: Veruca, the only thing you're getting today is a bath, and that's final!

Willy Wonka: And the rest of you must be their p-p-...

Mr. Salt: Parents?

Willy Wonka: Yeah! Moms and dads!

[expression darkens]

Willy Wonka: Dad? Papa?

Veruca Salt: [outside the Chocolate Factory] Daddy, I want to go in.

Mr. Salt: It's 9:59, sweetheart.

Veruca Salt: Make time go faster.

Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, I was having a flashback.

Mr. Salt: I see.

Mr. Teavee: These flashbacks happen often?

Willy Wonka: Increasingly... today.

Mike Teavee: [seeing the Oompa-Loompas for the first time] Are they real people?

Willy Wonka: Of course they're real people. They're Oompa Loompas.

Mr. Salt: Oompa Loompas?

Willy Wonka: Imported. Direct from Loompaland.

Mr. Teavee: There's no such place.

Willy Wonka: What?

Mr. Teavee: Mr. Wonka, I teach high school geography, and I'm here to tell you...

Willy Wonka: Well, then, you'll know all about it and, oh, what a terrible country it is.

Mr. Salt: Are you using the Havermax 4000 to do your sorting?

Willy Wonka: No.

[laughs]

Willy Wonka: You're really weird.

Mr. Salt: [after the Oompa Loompas sing and dance] I do say, that all seemed rather rehearsed.

Mr. Salt: [at the nut sorting room] Ah, this is a room I know all about. For you see, Mr. Wonka, I myself am in the nut business.

[hands Willy Wonka his business card, and Willy flings it away without looking at it]

Willy Wonka: There's no earthly way of knowing/Which direction they are going... There's no knowing where they're rowing...

Mr. Salt: [weakly echoing] Rowing...

Willy Wonka: Or which way the river's flowing... Is it raining, is it snowing?/Is a hurricane a-blowing?

[sharp gasp]

Willy Wonka: Not a speck of light is showing/So the danger must be growing... Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?/Is the grisly Reaper mowing?/Yes! The danger must be growing/'Cause the rowers keep on rowing/

[practically screaming]

Willy Wonka: And they're certainly not showing/Any sign that they are slowing!

[lets out a high-pitched, almost unearthly scream]

Mr. Salt: What is this, Wonka? Some kind of funhouse?

Willy Wonka: [glances back at him] Why? Are you having fun?

Mr. Salt: [noticing signs on vats] Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? Got a little something going on the side?

Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Mrs. Gloop: What a disgusting, dirty river!

Mr. Salt: Industrial waste, that. You've ruined your watershed Wonka: it's polluted.

Willy Wonka: It's chocolate.

Veruca Salt: That's chocolate?

Charlie Bucket: That's chocolate!

Violet Beauregarde: Well, they can't be real people.

Willy Wonka: Why, of course they're real people.

Mr. Salt: Stuff and nonsense!

Willy Wonka: No, Oompa Loompas.

The Group: [turning around] Oompa Loompas?

Willy Wonka: From Loompaland.

Mrs. Teevee: Loompaland? There's no such place.

Willy Wonka: Excuse me, dear lady, but...

Mrs. Teevee: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.

Willy Wonka: Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."

Mr. Salt: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?

Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, but all questions *must* be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.

Veruca Salt: Hey, Daddy, *I* want an Oompa Loompa! I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away!

Mr. Salt: All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out.

Veruca Salt: [whining] I want an Oompa Loompa now!

Violet Beauregarde: Can it, you nit!

Mr. Salt: Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka.

Willy Wonka: All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody.

Mr. Salt: Ladies first, and that means Veruca.

Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid.

[Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room]

Willy Wonka: We're there.

Mrs. Teevee: Where?

Willy Wonka: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!

Mr. Beauregarde: Let me off this crate!

Mike Teevee: Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.?

Mrs. Teevee: I don't know.

Mr. Salt: What a nightmare.

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.

[Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe read a sign]

Charlie Bucket: Dairy cream...

Grandpa Joe: Whipped cream...

Charlie Bucket: Coffee cream...

Grandpa Joe: Vanilla cream...

Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe: Hair cream?

Willy Wonka: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit

[My friends (masters), please give me your attention]

Willy Wonka: .

Mrs. Teevee: That's not French.

Willy Wonka: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik.

[You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory]

Mr. Salt: I can't take much more of this.

Willy Wonka: Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room

[Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room]

Willy Wonka: . Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling.

Grandpa Joe: No telling what?

Willy Wonka: You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!

Willy Wonka: Don't you know what this is?

Violet Beauregarde: By gum, it's gum.

Willy Wonka: [happily, but sarcastically] Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.

Violet Beauregarde: What's so fab about it?

Willy Wonka: This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner.

Mr. Salt: Bull.

Willy Wonka: No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.

[Mr. Wonka puts a pair of football cleats into a vat]

Mr. Salt: What's that for?

Willy Wonka: Gives it a little kick.

Mr. Salt: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose?

Willy Wonka: They're not for sale.

Mr. Salt: Name your price.

Willy Wonka: She can't have one.

Veruca Salt: Who says I can't?

Mr. Salt: The man with the funny hat.

Veruca Salt: [to Mr. Salt] I want to go in! Don't you dare stop me!

Mr. Salt: I'm only trying to help you, sweetheart.

Veruca Salt: [to Violet] Give me that pen!

[Veruca grabs the pen from Violet]

Veruca Salt: [to Mr. Salt] You're always making things difficult.

[signs the contract]

Willy Wonka: [admiringly] Nicely handled, Veruca! Now there's a girl who knows where she's going.

[Wonka walks down the hall which gets shorter as it goes on in the skewed perspective room]

Charlie Bucket: Hey, the room is getting smaller.

Mrs. Teevee: No, it's not. *He's* getting *bigger*!

Mr. Salt: He's at it again!

Mike Teevee: Where's the chocolate?

Sam Beauregarde: I doubt if there is any.

Mr. Salt: I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive.

Willy Wonka: Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about.

Mrs. Gloop: You're not squeezing me through that tiny door!

Mr. Salt: You're off your bleeding nut, Wonka. No one can get through there!

Willy Wonka: Now over here, if you'll follow me, I have something rather special to show you.

Mr. Salt: It's special all right, I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one.

Mr. Salt: You sure this thing'll float, eh, Wonka?

Willy Wonka: With your buoyancy, sir, rest assured.

Veruca Salt: They're not even trying! They don't want to find it! They're jealous of me!

Mr. Salt: Sweetheart, I can't push them no harder; 19,000 bars an hour they're shelling; 760,000 they've done so far.

Veruca Salt: You promised, Daddy! You promised I'd have it the very first day!

Mrs. Salt: You're going to be very unpopular around here, Henry, if you don't deliver soon.

Mr. Salt: It breaks my heart, Henrietta. I hate to see her unhappy.

Veruca Salt: I won't talk to you ever again! You're a mean father, you'll never give me anything I want! And I won't go to school till I have it!

Mr. Salt: Veruca, sweetheart, angel. Now, there are four tickets left in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world's hunting for them! What can I do?

Veruca Salt: I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy!

Mr. Salt: I know, angel. We're doing the best we can. I've got every girl in the place to start hunting for you.

Veruca Salt: All right, where is it? Why haven't they found it?

Mr. Salt: Veruca, sweetheart, I'm not a magician! Give me time!

Veruca Salt: I want it now! What's the matter with those twerps down there?

Mr. Salt: For five days now, the entire flipping factory's been on the job. They haven't shelled a peanut in there since Monday. They've been shelling flaming chocolate bars from dawn till dusk!

Veruca Salt: Make them work nights!

Sam Beauregarde: What business are you in, Salt?

Mr. Salt: Nuts.

Mr. Salt: Where is she going?

Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad eggs go, down the garbage chute.

Mr. Salt: [laughs] Oh, the garbage chute. Where does it lead to?

Willy Wonka: To the furnace.

Mr. Salt: [laughs] The furnace! She'll be sizzled like a sausage.

Willy Wonka: No, not necessarily. She could be stuck just inside the tube.

Mr. Salt: Inside the...

[he starts suddenly in shock and runs]

Mr. Salt: Hold on! Veruca! Sweetheart! Daddy's coming!

[dives down the chute]

Willy Wonka: There'll to be a lot of garbage today.

Willy Wonka: [showing the group the gum machine] Now over here, if you'll follow me, we have something rather special.

Mr. Salt: It's special, all right. I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one!

[Willy Wonka plays a short tune on a pipe whistle]

Mr. Salt: Who said that?

Sam Beauregarde: What the heck is that?

Grandpa Joe: He's got a whistle.