Mr. Parker Quotes in Scenes of the Crime (2001)

Mr. Parker: [to the dead body in the van] Burn in Hell, fucker!

Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.

Mother: He does not!

Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!

Ralphie: Ohhhh fuuudge!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?

Ralphie: Uh, um...

Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.

Mr. Parker: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!

Mother: Little pitchers!

Mr. Parker: Thanks... hold it!

[the furnace conks out]

Mr. Parker: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!

[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]

Mr. Parker: Damn skates!

[coughing]

Mr. Parker: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

[Mr. Parker reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]

Mr. Parker: Aaah! "Fra-GEE-leh!" It must be Italian!

Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, honey.

Mr. Parker: Huh? Oh, yeah.

[nods in agreement]

Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.

Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?

Mother: Everybody knows that!

Mr. Parker: [Mr. Parker's beloved leg lamp is broken] Get the glue.

Mother: We're out of glue.

Mr. Parker: You used up all the glue on purpose!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.

Mr. Parker: Didn't I get a tie this year?

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.

Mr. Parker: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

Mr. Parker: Dadgummit! Blow out!

[on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]

Mr. Parker: Ah ha!

[excitedly gets out of the car]

Mother: Not again.

Mr. Parker: Four minutes. Time me.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.

Mr. Parker: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?

Mother: What is it?

Mr. Parker: It's a leg!

Mother: But what is it?

Mr. Parker: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.

Mother: Statue?

Mr. Parker: Yeah, statue.

Ralphie: Yeah, statue.

Mother: Ralphie!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

Mr. Parker: You mundane noodle!

Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same dumb old parade as last year.

Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?

Ralphie: Mom!

Mother: Hush!

Mr. Parker: SHUT UP, Ralphie!

Mr. Parker: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.

Mother: Jealous of a plastic...

Mr. Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.

Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.

Mr. Parker: Holy smokes. Do... Do you know what this is? This is... A lamp!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was indeed a lamp.

Mr. Parker: Isn't that great? What a great lamp.

Mother: I don't know...

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The old man's eyes boggled...

Mr. Parker: Oh WOW!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] ... Overcome by art.

Mr. Parker: Get in the car. Get in the car.

[Mother runs back inside]

Mr. Parker: If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees!

Mr. Parker: [to the kids] Go on, go on.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, as Mother switches off the leg lamp] My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver in the legendary battle of the lamp. The epic struggle which follows lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day.

Mother: Don't want to waste electricity.

Mr. Parker: [mockingly] "Don't want to waste electricity."

Mr. Parker: It's a Major Award!

Swede: A Major Award? Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.

Mr. Parker: It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a Major Award. I won it!

Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?

Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.

Mr. Parker: [Reading Telegram and doing a little jig] Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!

[marveling at a Christmas gift he just opened]

Mr. Parker: A can of Simoniz!

Mr. Parker: So what else happened today?

Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?

Mr. Parker: A fight? What kind of a fight?

[Looks at Ralphie]

Mother: Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...

[Looks at the newspaper]

Mother: Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.

Mr. Parker: What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.

Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?

Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.

Mother: What is it this time?

Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature.

Mother: Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Mr. Parker: You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...

Ralphie as Adult: What happened next was a family controversy for years.

Mr. Parker: You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!

[the sound of the lamp breaking is heard]

Mr. Parker: [Going inside the house after the Bumpus hounds devoured the Christmas turkey] All right! Everybody upstairs! Get dressed! We are going out... to eat!

Mr. Parker: [In the Chinese restaurant, the waiter brings out the cooked duck, which still has its head on; Mrs. Parker is laughing] Yes, it's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see... it's smiling at me.

[He lifts the head of the duck]

Chop Suey Palace Owner: Ooohh!

[He chops off the duck's head. Mrs. Parker and the kids are laughing]

Ralphie as Adult: That Christmas would live in our memories as the year we were introduced to Chinese turkey.

Mr. Parker: It could be a bowling alley!

Mother: How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight?

Mr. Parker: They'll send the deed for cripesake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley.

Mr. Parker: [to Mother] You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand-new green plastic trees.

Tree Man: Oh no!

Mr. Parker: Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee.

Mother: It's a very nice tree.

Tree Man: [quickly] I'll thrown in some rope and tie it to your car for you.

Mr. Parker: You got a deal.

Tree Man: Deal.

Ralphie: Well, what have we got here, folks?

Mr. Parker: Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph.

Ralphie: Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.

[Furnace makes creaking noise]

Mr. Parker: Hold it! Shhh...

[Furnace makes loud banging noises]

Mr. Parker: Aha! Aha! It's a clinkerrrr! That blasted, stupid furnace! Dadgummit!

[Mr. Parker falls down the stairs]

Mr. Parker: Damn skates!

[coughing]

Mr. Parker: Oh for cripe's sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? Hawk head! Aw, blasted poop flirt rattle crap camel flirt. You blonker frattle feet sturckle frat! Of a womp sack butt ratter bottom fodder...

Ralphie as Adult: In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

Mr. Parker: ...smick melly whop walker. Drop dumb fratten house stickle fifer!

Mr. Parker: [Explaining rather sheepishly to Mother why "Santa Claus" brought Ralphie the BB gun]

Mr. Parker: I had one when I was eight years old.

Mother: What if he hurts himself?

[the Bumpus hounds break in the house and raid the kitchen]

Mr. Parker: Holy smokes, the turkey!

[the old man arrives too late to see that the dogs already devoured the turkey]

Mr. Parker: Oh, my... God! You sons of - !

[the dogs leave out the back door]

Mr. Parker: [shouts, high-pitched] SONS OF BITCHES! BUMPUSES!

Mr. Parker: Those kids again, Lee?

Lee: We're doing a group project.

Mrs. Parker: With them, Lee? You think they care what grades you get?

Lee: Mom...

Mr. Parker: Look, son, you let your grades go now, maybe you don't get into a top tier school.

Lee: Yeah.

Mr. Parker: You don't get into a top tier school, maybe you settle for a second-rate job. Maybe you don't have the life you want. Maybe each and every day you wake up, and want to crawl back into bed, and tell the world to go straight to hell.

Mrs. Parker: We're just saying, you've worked too hard to blow it in your last year.

Mr. Parker: We've all worked hard together, Lee. So, what do you say champ? Hop in the car?

Lee: ...It's for school.