Mr. Hertz Quotes in Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

Mr. Hertz: My god! Do we really suck, or is this guy really that good?

Mr. Hertz: Guns don't kill people! But they sure help.

Mr. Hertz: Do you know why a gun is better than a wife?

Man Who Rides Shotgun: Dunno.

Mr. Hertz: You can put a silencer on a gun.

Mr. Hertz: Fuck me sideways.

Mr. Hertz: What the hell *is* that thing? Oh my God, that is twisted! That sick son of a bitch! Oh, that sick son of a bitch suckered us *again*!

Hammerson: Do you know why Americans love guns, Mr. Hertz? And it's got nothing to do with all that phallic mumbo-jumbo, "cockin' your gun." No, Hertz, people love guns because America is a land of opportunity, where a poor man can become rich, and a pussy can become a tough guy, if he's got a gun in his hand. Now, I'm hopin' you're not just a pussy with a gun in your hand.

Mr. Hertz: Oh no, sir. No, no, I am not. I'm a tough guy with a pussy in my hand.

[Smith wakes up and sees Hertz pointing his gun at him]

Mr. Hertz: Don't move, Mr. Hero.

[cell phone rings]

Mr. Hertz: I can't talk right now, honey. I'm right in the middle of something.

Mr. Hertz: Bravo, Mr. Hero. Bravo.

Mr. Smith: Why are you trying to kill this woman?

[Hertz laughs]

Mr. Smith: Something funny?

Mr. Hertz: Well, I was just remembering a limerick. "There once was a woman who was quite begat. She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat. She said it was fun in the breeding, but found it was hell in the feeding, when she saw there was no tit for Tat." You have caused me no end of trouble, but now I shall return the favor. Tit for tat, right?

Mr. Hertz: Are you trying to tell me that some bum came to her rescue? Well well well, this is a fine mess.

Killer Shot in Behind: I won't make this mistake again. I got a piece of lead in my butt as a reminder!

Mr. Hertz: Yeah, I can appreciate that.

[Hertz shoots him in the other cheek]

Killer Shot in Behind: Aw! My ass!

Mr. Hertz: And let that be a reminder never to fail me again.

Mr. Hertz: Does anyone know what a Jimmy Cagney love scene is? It's when Cagney lets the good guy live.

[lobby of henchmen laugh]

Mr. Hertz: [growing serious] And if that happens in this show, I will do a lot more than ask for my money back.

Hertz's Driver: Of all the squats in the city, how does he know Smith's in this one? Another lucky guess?

Man Who Rides Shotgun: Naw, he doesn't guess. He sees things we don't. He was once an FBI profiler.

Mr. Hertz: Forensic behavior consultant. My god, how many times do I have to tell you guys? Details make all the difference in this business.

[opens the door]

Man Who Rides Shotgun: Hey, uh, don't you think you should hang back, sir?

Mr. Hertz: The leader who stays in the rear, takes it in the rear. Besides, violence is one of the most fun things to watch.

Mr. Hertz: Oh, yes-siree-Bob, it certainly has been a pleasure. But before we part ways, tell me one thing: I am dead on about who you are, right?

Mr. Smith: Say that again?

Mr. Hertz: I said, I am dead...

Mr. Smith: [interrupting him] Stop. That part of it you got right.

Mr. Hertz: [after telling Smith his gun is empty] And you won't be getting it up with that gun you took off my man. No, you see, like my weapon, it also has the thumbprint safety device!

Mr. Smith: Oh, really?

[holds up the thug's severed hand]

Mr. Smith: Wanna bet?

[Hertz grabs a shard of glass and charges, screaming. Smith fits the severed hand's thumb onto the pistol grip, and shoots Hertz in the chest]

Mr. Smith: Nothing like a good hand-job.

Mr. Hertz: [after passing a dead woman with exposed breasts] Nice knockers.

Woman in Park: Oh my god, look at this. Someone left a baby!

[woman is immediately shot in the back by Hertz, who looks up from his rifle's scope]

Mr. Hertz: Oops.

Mr. Hertz: Oh, you have caused me no end of trouble!

Mr. Hertz: [refering to Mr. Smith's techniques] National sports pistol champion at age 10. Recruited by the army. Sound like black ops got him and trained him.

Mr. Hertz: Tit for tat, Mr. Hero. Tit for tat.

Mr. Smith: [after biting into a carrot and pointing a gun at Hertz] What's up, doc?

Mr. Hertz: Ooh, you're a wascally wabbit.

[points his gun at Smith]

Mr. Hertz: But you're not wascally enough.

Mr. Smith: Yeah? That's a six-shooter. I just counted six shots. You've blown your load.

Mr. Hertz: Hey, who trained you? Hmm? NSA, Black Ops, CIA, the Army? Well whoever, it's seems you haven't lost your aim, champ.

Mr. Smith: If you think that's good you should see me spell my name in the snow.

Mr. Hertz: [laughs] Hey you know my boss here thinks that you're the Lone Ranger or something. But I believe I have a better idea about who you are. I found out how your wife and son where killed. My god, what a tragedy. Some guy walks into a burger joint. He starts shooting up the place. Oh my god, what a shame that your wife and son were there, eating their chicken nuggets.

[Smith is silent in shock]

Mr. Hertz: What's the matter, you don't like that story? Well then why don't you tell me one, hmm? Children's story, please. Oh, I know, tell me my favorite. Yeah, tell me the one about the baby.

Mr. Smith: Maybe later, when I put you to sleep.

Mr. Hertz: Stop the car. He was here.

Hertz's Driver: Come on, what makes you think he was here?

Mr. Hertz: Trust me, I know what people do and I know what people think. I always have. Even as a kid I had this gift, and you should have seen the playground hurt I laid down playing rock-paper-scissors.

[while his men are cleaning up the scene of the warehouse shootout, Hertz drags the corpse of the Baby's Mother to the car]

Hertz's Driver: I was going back for her, Boss...

Mr. Hertz: No, I got it. I'm not the head honcho who sits on his hands, warming them with his own exhaust, while everybody else does the work.

Mr. Hertz: Getting angry releases an enzyme - tryptophan hydroxylase - which can temporarily reduce the IQ. That's something I cannot afford to do right now.