Mr. Hand Quotes in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

[Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class]

Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?

Jeff Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food.

Mr. Hand: Mr.Spicoli, You're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

Jeff Spicoli: I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.

Mr. Hand: [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli] You're absolutrly right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class.

[calls up a couple of students]

Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a Good one.

Jeff Spicoli: Hey, you're ripping my card.

Mr. Hand: Yes.

Jeff Spicoli: Hey bud, what's your problem?

Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.

Jeff Spicoli: [stunned] You dick!

Mr. Hand: What are you, people? On dope?

Mr. Hand: [passing back exams] 'C', 'D', 'F'. 'F'. 'F'. For three weeks we have been talking about the Platt Amendment. It was passed in nineteen-hundred and six.

[notices Spicoli's seat is empty]

Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone?

[Desmond raises hand]

Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?

Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines.

Mr. Hand: How long ago?

Desmond: Right before class.

Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in.

[Desmond exits]

Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU!

[Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans]

Jeff Spicoli: [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows with bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.

Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?

Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.

Mr. Hand: You couldn't, or you wouldn't?

Jeff Spicoli: See, there was a full crowd at the food lines.

Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on YOUR time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?

Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know.

Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words 'I Don't Know', then underlines them]

[reciting]

Mr. Hand: I like that. 'I Don't Know.' That's nice.

[imitating]

Mr. Hand: 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words right up here for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.

Jeff Spicoli: All right!

Mr. Hand: Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand.

Mr. Hand: But I wanted to know what it was like... how you feel.

John Murdoch: You know how I was supposed to feel. That person isn't me... never was. You wanted to know what it was about us that made us human. Well, you're not going to find it...

[Murdoch points at his head]

John Murdoch: ...in here. You were looking in the wrong place.

Mr. Hand: There used to be a ferry when I was a boy. Biggest thing you ever saw, lit up like a floating birthday cake.

Emma Murdoch: That's just what my husband once said to me on this very spot.

Mr. Hand: Where is your husband now?

Emma Murdoch: I wish I knew. What brings you here?

Mr. Hand: I met my wife at this place.

Emma Murdoch: It's where I first met my husband.

Mr. Hand: Small world.

Mr. Hand: Sleep, now.

Mr. Hand: [stomps on a newspaper clipping] So it seems you discovered your unpleasant nature.

John Murdoch: Who are you?

Mr. Hand: We might ask the same question, yes? Sleep... now.

[Murdoch opens the door to what should be Shell Beach and instead sees the same sign he saw earlier advertising it. Murdoch walks up to the sign, confused]

Dr. Schreber: There is no ocean, John. There is nothing beyond the city. The only place home exists... is in your head.

[Chuckles a bit at the irony]

Dr. Schreber: [Murdoch and Inspector Bumstead tear the sign from the wall, exposing bricks. They then begin to hammer at the bricks with pickaxes]

Dr. Schreber: No! No! John, stop! No! Stop! Please! No!

[Bumstead and Murdoch reach a soft spot in the bricks and begin to pry at it. John, frustrated, uses his tuning to push away the brick wall. What results is the bricks falling away exposing space, almost sucking Bumstead out and showing the bricks crashing against the ship's newly exposed forcefield. Murdoch and Bumstead stand there, stunned. Meanwhile, a group of aliens walks in from behind them]

John Murdoch: What?

Mr. Hand: And now you know the truth.

[Fight ensues]

[after Mr. Hand is imprinted with Murdoch's memories]

Mr. Book: Is it done?

Mr. Hand: Oh yes, Mr. Book. I have John Murdoch in mind.

[from the director's cut]

Mr. Hand: We're very lucky when you think about it.

Emma Murdoch: I'm sorry?

Mr. Hand: To be able to revisit those places which have meant so very much to us.

Emma Murdoch: I thought it was more that we were haunted by them.

Mr. Hand: Perhaps. But imagine a life Alien to yours. In which you memories were not your own, but those shared by every other of you kind. Imagine the torment of such an existence....no experiences to call your own.

Emma Murdoch: If it was all you knew, maybe it would be a comfort.

Mr. Hand: But if you were to discover something different...Something....better.

Mr. Hand: I have become the monster you were intended to be.

Mr. Wall: She knows nothing, Mr. Hand.

Mr. Hand: A dead end... Yes, Mr. Wall?

Mr. Wall: We thought his imprint would allow us to track him, but instead we have been brought here. This is irrational.

Mr. Hand: Instincts are irrational, Mr. Wall, and we must follow where they lead... Yes?

Mr. Rain: Mr. Sleep suggests that he might go to places familiar... His job...

[is interrupted by Mr. Hand]

Mr. Hand: He does not care about our job...

[is interrupted by Mr. Wall]

Mr. Wall: Indulge us, Mr. Hand. If you were Murdoch... Yes?

Mr. Hand: If I were Murdoch... I would remember how my wife had hurt me by sleeping with another man. And then, I would look for a way to hurt her in return... Leave me alone with her

[May]

Mr. Hand: , there is work to be done.

Mr. Hand: It seems you have discovered your unpleasant nature.

[after overhearing a phone call between Emma and Karl]

Mr. Hand: Karl. Uncle Karl. Haven't seen you in so long. Yes.

[Floats away]