Morty Quotes in Click (2006)

Morty: [Michael wants to skip ahead to his promotion] Consider the leprechaun.

Michael Newman: What?

Morty: The one in the cereal commercials.

Michael Newman: [Irish accent] 'They're magically delicious'?

[normal voice]

Michael Newman: That guy?

Morty: He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.

Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.

Michael Newman: What?

Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.

Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.

Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.

Morty: I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in that's probably the most advanced piece of technology that we have in this place.

Michael Newman: Sounds sweet.

Morty: It is sweet. The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet.

Michael Newman: Ooh. I guess the O'Doyles' remote can kiss my advanced-technological ass then.

Morty: I don't know the O'Doyles, but... they can bite it hard.

Morty: [Michael frantically dials Morty's number to resolve conflicts he's had with the remote. Morty's silhouette his shown in Micael's ktchen as he finishes dialing the last number. He speaks loudly] Yes?

Michael Newman: [Michael yelps and jumps backwards onto the kitchen table. He shatters it and quickly tries to get to his feet as the little dog upstairs begins to bark] You scared the...!

[Pulls himslef up]

Donna Newman: [From upstairs] Honey, what's going on down there?

Michael Newman: It's alright! I, uh...

[Hangs up phone]

Michael Newman: It was a mouse! I killed it! It's dead! But...

[Analyzes the broken mess]

Michael Newman: It broke the table first.

[Turns to Morty with a shaken voice]

Michael Newman: How'd you get in here?

Morty: I had a feeling you wanted to see me.

Michael Newman: I'm freakin' out. This thing - this thing - it's broken. It-it's just - it's fast forwarding on its own now.

Morty: It's not a malfunction it's a feature. It's using it's memory to execute your preferences.

Michael Newman: It *remember's* stuff about me? What do you mean?

Morty: It's an advance piece of equipment like TiVo.

[Smiles]

Morty: You could call it MeVo.

Michael Newman: I fast forwarded through sex one time. I don't wanna skip it forever; I like sex. I-um-i-it-it feels good.

Morty: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you fast forwarded through an entire *year*. That's a lot of sex. Put it all together, it's like... thirty minute's worth for you.

Michael Newman: Oh, no, no. So what? Everything I fast forwarded it-it's just gonna do it on its own now?

Morty: Pretty much. No more showering. No more traffic. No more arguing. No more sickness.

Michael Newman: This is bad. This is bad. Here, you take it back.

[Hands Morty the remote and walks off]

Michael Newman: I'm deactivating my service. I quit, I quit, I quit.

Morty: [Holding the remote] No, come on.

Michael Newman: No, no, no. Thanks for everything, alright? But I -

[Looks at his right hand and he has the remote. He looks at Morty who has a rather confident grin on his face. Michael looks around the kitchen, throughs the remote in the can and backs up. Only now he realizes that the remote is now held in his opposite hand. Turns to Morty stunned]

Michael Newman: You... this is not...

[Michael drops the remote on the floor and stomps repeatedly ontop of it, shattering it on impact]

Morty: Come on, don't be mean.

[the remote is now distroyed under Michael's feets. He confidently waves his hand around. Unkowingly to him, the remote is sitting ontop of his head]

Morty: Nice hat.

[Michael then takes the remote and tosses it outside]

Morty: Whoa! Is this a *stick-up*, or are you just happy?

[the remote is in Michael's crotch part of his jeans]

Michael Newman: Oh, yeah? I'll take my clothes off. Then what's - ?

Morty: I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's only one place left for it to pop up.

Morty: I am the Angel of Death.

Michael Newman: You bastard.

[repeated line]

Morty: It's all just... cornflakes.

Morty: Think about it, you've skipped a year. That's a lot of sex. That's like, thirty minutes worth for you.

Morty: Check it out. You hit the fast-forward button. I believe we're sometime after your conception.

Michael Newman: [voice echoes] No! We're in my mother's vagina?

Trudy: [Michael rewinds to his family's camping trip at Lake Winnipesaukee in the 70s] Uh uh uh, no cupcakes yet!

Michael at 10 Years Old: But I'm starving!

Ted: I know exactly how you feel, Michael, I'm so hungry, I could eat this quarter!

Michael Newman: Ah, so THIS is where the quarter trick started.

Morty: [watches Ted bite the quarter in half and then spit it whole again, amazed] How did he do that?

Michael Newman: It's a trick coin you buy in a magic shop, I just couldn't ever let him know I knew that.

Morty: Something stinks like stale French fries.

Michael Newman: Oh yeah, that's probably me.

Morty: You know, fast food *shortens* your life.

Michael Newman: That's what they tell me, but the way my life's going right now, that wouldn't be so bad.

Morty: [Morty and Michael go back to the past to Micheal's birth, Micheal's parents were arguing if he had a penis or not] Your mother must have had some good eyesight, 'cause... I didn't see anything.

Michael Newman: Oh, hardy har-har.

Morty: Yo, cowboy. Why don't you come down here and sit on my lap? I wanna show you something.

Brenda: Where's Shelly?

Morty: In the car.

Brenda: Glove compartment?

Morty: Trunk.

Morty: Shelly, what happened here? $140,00 for a PLATE? $47,000 for a carpet? A USED carpet? $300,00 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy?

Shelly: I bought the car for you! It was only 300 grand! It was a GIFT!

Morty: With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift!

Shelly: Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, y'know - with some ambiance and some classic eternal good taste!

Brenda: Morty! Well, look at you. You look prosperous.

Morty: Brenda, don't embarrass me.

Brenda: [Mocking Morty] Don't embarrass you.

Morty: Don't make a scene.

Brenda: Don't make a scene.

Morty: Do not make a scene.

Brenda: Don't embarrass you! You've got a *nerve*! I'll tell you what's embarrassing!

Morty: Keep your voice down.

Brenda: Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky... because I'm behind in the rent, *that's* embarrassing. Worrying about how I'm gonna get my kid through college, *that's* embarrassing!

Morty: You know something? You *never* listen. For twenty years you never ever listened. Here,

[grabs a yellow blouse]

Morty: honey why don't you try this one in a fitting room, looks very nice on you.

Brenda: You know, I could use this. It's very beautiful and I love the color. But what am I gonna to use for money? HOW AM I GONNA PAY FOR IT?

Morty: It's the *company* that is expanding. Don't you understand that? The *company*, not *me*! I'm a mere laborer!

Brenda: You're a liar and a FRAUD!

Morty: I have no money.

Brenda: Really? Why don't you look in your purse?

Morty: Oh you're very funny.

Shelly: There stunning Morton, I need all of them.

Brenda: Morton?

Shelly: [covers her face with a dress] Oh God, make it go away.

Brenda: Shelly! Look at you! My my, the bulimia certainly has paid off.

Morty: Don't start.

Brenda: What's a matter Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?

Shelly: Brenda, why don't you try these on in

[holds out her arms]

Shelly: *your size*!

Morty: It's really a delight running into you today Brenda.

Shelly: Gunilla Garson Goldberg, personally inviting me to one of her super-social luncheons!

Morty: Why?

Morty: I gotta get home for dinner. My wife is slowly poisoning me to death and she gets very angry if I'm late.

Dan Foreman: [referring to how Morty is handling unemployment] How are you?

Morty: Not so good, not so good. I mean psychologically.

Dan Foreman: I'm sorry.

Morty: That's OK. Anyway, my wife got a promotion. I'm hoping she'll raise my allowance.

Morty: Timing is everthing in life.

Morty: [after learning he's been fired] Dan, what the hell am I gonna tell my wife? I mean she already wears the pants, now she's gonna wear the tie and jacket too.

Cody: You should've been an actor.

Morty: There's no money in it.

Morty: [Dying] Help me.

Leprechaun: Love to, friend, but you're all out of wishes. Ha ha ha ha!

Morty: Nothing tastes as good as a free pizza. Now if I could only figure out how to get free beer.

Cody: You can't drive the tour.

Morty: Why not?

Cody: Because you're plastered!

Morty: What difference does that make? Now, never forget rule number one.

Cody: I know, never turn down a paying customer.

Morty: I may be a little loose, but I am not so far gone that I would turn away a packed hearse.

[Morty drunkenly tries to exit the bathroom, but walks into a toilet]

Morty: Of course, there's always rule number two.

Cody: Which is?

Morty: Never kill a paying customer.

Morty: I should've returned that book to the library five years ago! I don't know what you saw, but leprechauns don't exist!

Leprechaun: What's that ya say? Leprechauns don't exist?

Cody: Everything is a scam to you, isn't it?

Morty: Damn right.

Morty: They found this dead kid at Bridgette's, she's missing, everybody says you did it.

Cody: Me? That's crazy!

Morty: That's what I told the cops, now what the hell happened?

Cody: A leprechaun did it.

Morty: Maybe I should call the cops.

Morty: I probably should've kept you away from all this supernatural stuff.

Cody: He dropped a rack of pots on my head.

Morty: Oh, well now I'm convinced.

Morty: Didn't anybody ever tell you not to drink and levitate?

Leprechaun: Do you wish me out of the safe?

Morty: Yes, goddammit! I wish you out of the safe! Where the hell are you?

Leprechaun: You'll have to open the door. It's wrought iron. Remember? Didn't you read the book?

Morty: Okay so you found a gold coin and it looks like the one in this book. It's probably worth some cash. But this leprechaun stuff...

Cody: Listen, it says "Leprechauns are devious creatures. They live for trickery, even get pleasure out of it".

Morty: Cody, if you were taking some dope you would tell me, right?

Clarkie: Where are we going, Morty?

Morty: Back to that boatyard. Somebody's about to get a fucking slap.

Terry: [pats Morty on the shoulder] Yes, Morty. About fucking time.

Morty: Why did you keep the gun?

Gene: I know it sounds silly now, but it was my favorite.

Morty: You better not let the other guns know you have a favorite.

Gene: [to XXXX] This what being a gangster gets you. You're not in there 'cause I like you.

Morty: I'm beginning to feel left out.

Gene: Why? I seem to recall a friend of yours in intensive care after your little... reunion.

Morty: But let's just forget about all of that. Let's have a cup of tea, Mr. Hurst

[Morty spills a pot of tea over Freddie's head]

Morty: What's happening? You been away? Yeah! Ten fucking years!

Morty: Gene, let's listen to this shit! If he's lying, we'll both fucking kill him.

Morty: Can you believe it? We're in the middle of a drought, and the water commissioner drowns. Only in L.A.