Mortimer Snerd Quotes in Fun & Fancy Free (1947)

Edgar Bergen: Now, Luana, how would you like another piece of cake or some ice cream?

Luana Patten: No, thank you. I'm full up.

Edgar Bergen: Some candy?

Charlie McCarthy: Care for a cigar?

Luana Patten: Me?

[everyone laughs]

Edgar Bergen: How about you, Mortimer?

Mortimer Snerd: Uh... I don't smoke.

Edgar Bergen: I don't mean that.

Mortimer Snerd: [referring to giant footprints] Oh, gosh! Who made them?

Charlie McCarthy: Well, it wasn't Cinderella.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, Donald may be nuts, but he's got the right idea. Kill the cow.

Luana Patten: Oh, no, Charlie! The cow was their best friend.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Edgar Bergen: So what?

Charlie McCarthy: So, they need some steak.

Mortimer Snerd: No! If you're gonna kill the cow, I don't wanna hear the rest of the story!

Luana Patten: But why did the giant want to steal the harp?

Edgar Bergen: Because he was cruel and selfish. He didn't care what happened to the valley. He just wanted someone to sing him to sleep.

Mortimer Snerd: Well, why didn't he turn on the radio?

Edgar Bergen: Well, they didn't have radios in those days.

Charlie McCarthy: Yeah. That's why they called it Happy Valley.

[Willie is sniffing around his table while Mickey and the others are trying to avoid getting caught]

Charlie McCarthy: Hey, giant! You're getting warm!

Mortimer Snerd: Well, don't tell him!

Charlie McCarthy: Behind the jar, stupid!

Luana Patten: Charlie!

Luana Patten: What happened to all the people?

Edgar Bergen: Well, suppose we look in on these humble peasants.

Mortimer Snerd: Is that a peasant?

Charlie McCarthy: That's a cow, stupid.

Luana Patten: Well, at least they had milk.

Edgar Bergen: Well, she used to be a good milker, but now...

Charlie McCarthy: She's an udder failure.

Edgar Bergen: Are you listening, Mortimer?

Mortimer Snerd: Uh... Happy Valley?

Edgar Bergen: That's right, yes. Now, just try to imagine it. Can't you just close your eyes and see it?

Mortimer Snerd: Well, I can't see very good with my eyes closed. My eyelids get in the way.

Edgar Bergen: Well, you create a picture in your mind's eye.

Mortimer Snerd: Oh.

Charlie McCarthy: That's not easy for him. His mind gets in the way.

Willie the Giant: [lifts the roof off of Edgar Bergen's house] Hey, has anybody seen anything of a teensy-weensy, little mouse?

Edgar Bergen: No, I-I-I...

[faints]

Luana Patten: Oh, Mr. Bergen!

Charlie McCarthy: Bergen, speak to me! Speak to me!

Willie the Giant: What's the matter with him? Something he ate?

Mortimer Snerd: No, it's uh, it's a fig... fig... figmentation of his imagination.

Willie the Giant: No!

Mortimer Snerd: Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.

[laughs]

Luana Patten: What did the giant look like?

Edgar Bergen: Well, he was, oh... I'll try and show you.

[He turns on a lamp and aims it at the wall]

Edgar Bergen: He looked something like this.

[Makes a shadow puppet of a pig]

Mortimer Snerd: Looks like my pig, Snedly.

Charlie McCarthy: Never mind the self-portraits.

Edgar Bergen: Well, no, that isn't right. He looked more like... More like this.

[Makes shadow puppet of Willie the Giant]

Edgar Bergen: There he is now. And the giant came home for dinner, roaring...

Charlie McCarthy: [Steps in front of spotlight] ... drunk.

Edgar Bergen: [as Willie] I was not!

Edgar Bergen: [Normal] I mean, he was not.

Edgar Bergen: [as Willie] No.

Edgar Bergen: Down the castle hall he came, roaring..."Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!"

Edgar Bergen: [Mortimer is crying because Willie got killed] What I'm trying to explain, Mortimer, is that Willie the Giant didn't actually exist.

Mortimer Snerd: No?

Edgar Bergen: No. He's a metaphysical phenomenon of your subconscious mind, a phantasmagoria of your mental faculties.

Mortimer Snerd: Yeah?

Edgar Bergen: In other words, just a figment of your imagination.

Mortimer Snerd: No!

Edgar Bergen: Yes. So there's nothing to be upset about.

Mickey Mouse: How'd you get here?

Singing Harp: I was kidnapped by that wicked giant!

Mickey Mouse: Oh. What? A giant?

Mortimer Snerd: A giant?

Luana Patten: A giant?

Jiminy Cricket: A giant?

Edgar Bergen: Bigger than forty men!

Mortimer Snerd: Oh, no!

Edgar Bergen: An ogre who had the power to turn himself into anything, man or beast!

Jiminy Cricket: That calls for a drink!

Edgar Bergen: Yes, it was one of nature's garden spots, nestled among the green, rolling hills. Can't you see the lovely brook as it flows through the valley?

Mortimer Snerd: Mmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Edgar Bergen: The winding roads, line with stately trees.

Mortimer Snerd: Trees. Yeah.

Edgar Bergen: Lush fields and prosperous farms dot the landscape.

Mortimer Snerd: L-Landscape. Yeah.

Edgar Bergen: And high on a hilltop overlooking the valley, shining like a jewel, stands...

Mortimer Snerd: My red barn.

Edgar Bergen: No, no. It was something much nicer. It was a majestic castle.

Ophelia: Well, good night, Luana.

Luana Patten: Good night, Ophelia.

Ophelia: Bonne nuit, Mortimer.

Mortimer Snerd: Uh... ma'am?

Ophelia: Bonne nuit.

Mortimer Snerd: Oh, yes, ma'am. Yeah, yeah. Bunny. Uh bunny, bunny wee, bunny wee. Bun-Uh... uh, I don't know no bunny wee.