Monty Quotes in Stuart Little 2 (2002)

[Monty is looking in a trash can]

Monty: Oh, can't I get any food in this city?

[Falcon falls out of the sky and lands in the trash can. Monty looks up at the sky]

Monty: Thank you.

Snowbell: Now, pay attention. What do you know about a bird called 'Falcon'?

Monty: Falcon? Ooh, that's a bad guy. You don't wanna fool with him.

Stuart Little: You know where we can find him?

Monty: You don't wanna find him. You don't want anything to do with him. Trust me. He'd eat you so fast, you'd be a pile of falcon poop before you could yell for help. Falcons are vicious. They grab you by the back of the neck and carry you so high you can't even see the ground, and then they drop you. And by the time you hit the pavement, they just drink what's left through a straw.

Stuart Little: Snowbell, are you all right?

Snowbell: Oh sure. In fact, I no longer need a litterbox.

Monty: [laughs] Mop up on aisle three! Snowy!

The Vicar: I'm waiting for you, you son of a Nazi whore!

Daisy: Father!

The Vicar: Come and fight me! My God against yours!

Monty: Sorry, sir, he must have found his way back to the bottle.

Churchill: Good man.

The Vicar: Sausage eating wankers!

[echoing]

Churchill: Let us take example from the Church... double the ale ration!

Mitch: [after being interrupted yet again, Mitch has had enough] Hey turn down the music for minute... Hey would you turn down the music?

Kid at Stereo: Dude, chill.

Mitch: Would you turn down the fucking music for a minute! Jesus!

[Mitch turns the power off on the stereo and turns to everyone]

Mitch: This is fucking bullshit! I have been here all goddamned day and you haven't let me say one thing! None of you!

Monty: Well, damn, Mitch, I...

Mitch: Oh, no, asshole! You shut the fuck up now. It's my turn to talk! You're all fucked in the head! All of you! I mean you.

[points at Naomi]

Mitch: Change your fuckin' tampon and have another drink you crazy, fuckin' bitch!

[Points at Dean]

Mitch: And you! "Waaahh, I don't know what to be when I grow up!" Join the fucking army or something! Goddamn.

[Points at Calvin]

Mitch: Oh, and you! You know what? You're too easy. And you.

[Points to Monty]

Mitch: FUCK YOU MONTY! Always gotta be right, with your little quips! We get it, man. You're fuckin' edgy and cool. Yeah! You're the coolest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz! WHOOO! That's like being the smartest kid with Down syndrome! Oh and, oh, yeah. Why aren't you in jail? I mean what

[looks at Natasha]

Mitch: are you like 13, 14?

Monty: She's almost 18.

Mitch: You know what? Fuck this! You all suck. I quit.

[Goes to leave and gets to the door and turns around]

Mitch: Oh, and yeah. There is one more thing.

[Points at Floyd]

Mitch: You... You are the biggest piece of shit in this entire restaurant.

[Floyd looks around to see if Mitch is actually talking to him]

Mitch: And I hope you burn in hell.

Floyd: Me? What the fuck did I do to you, man? Seriously?

Raddimus: [Mitch pulls down his pants and everyone says "Oh shit!] The goat! The goat, you bastard!

Mitch: [Mitch pulls up his pants and opens the door and walks out] Fuckin' faggots.

Monty: That was the shit!

[he runs out after Mitch]

Monty: Mitch! Mitch! Stop please. Look, look. Stop, stop. Okay I am sorry, and I hearby swear my undying allegiance to you. You are the fucking man.

Monty: [using a Forrest Gump voice] Momma said they's my magic shoes. Mama said they would take me anywhere. 'Course Mama used to beat me with a rubber hose and call me a retard.

Monty's Mom: So I called your house today, at two. You were still asleep, weren't you?

Monty: That's an understatement.

Monty's Mom: So what did you do last night? I trust my little angel didn't do anything immoral.

Monty: Well, ummm... Let's see. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad. Then drove, while intoxicated, to pick up this disease-infested hooker.

Monty's Mom: Uh huh...

Monty: From there... uh, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place...

Monty's Mom: The hooker and I.

Monty: Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my place and from there... God, it was just a blur of intravenous drug abuse and unprotected sex, while taking the Lord's name in vain.

Monty's Mom: Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child everyone thought he was retarded?

Monty: Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?

Monty's Mom: So why aren't you and Serena still together? I liked her.

Monty: I don't know. I guess it got old. We had a relationship based on orgasms.

Monty's Mom: Oh, how charming. You are being safe aren't you? I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.

Monty: Come on, mom! Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.

Monty's Mom: Yes, well your father pulled out too but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.

Monty: You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not! That's why I stick to anal sex.

Monty's Mom: If only I had been so lucky.

Monty: Hey there, Natasha, how's my favorite minor doing today?

Natasha: Hung over, I got so shit faced last night.

Monty: On a school night? Kids today.

Monty: With women, there are really only two options. Either she doesn't sleep with you and there's really no reason to ever call her again. Or she does sleep with you... and there's really no reason to ever call her again.

Monty: So, what do you think of Natasha?

Dean: I think she's illegal.

Monty: Yeah, I've made peace with that. Seriously, look at her. You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

Dean: [imitating Scooby-Doo] Ratutory rape.

Dean: What the hell can you do with an A. A. degree anyway?

Monty: You can get a job substituting retarded kids or something.

Monty: Take whatever advice that she gives you with a big grain of salt.

Serena: Yeah and take anything that he gives you with a shot of penicillin.

Monty: Did you see the tits at table 12?

Monty: Well, Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day.

Monty: [Standing in bathroom stall with his bare torso exposed] I know what you're thinking now. You think we're all gay, don't you? Think we're all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right?

Mitch: Yeah.

Monty: Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay.

[gets dressed]

Monty: I mean, I'll stick my finger up my ass every now and again when I'm feeling squirrely, but that's about the extent of it.

Monty: You know, we should probably feel guilty, but she broke the cardinal rule: Don't fuck with people that handle your food.

Monty: Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I been inside you?

Monty: You see I don't, I don't work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the god damn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean come on. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that is considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever and furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality. So in sense, by having sex with Natasha, I'd be preserving the rights our four fathers fought and died for, right.

Monty: I must say there's nothing more attractive than tainted youth. Yes, I am indeed a pervert. Does that offend you?

Natasha: Nope, I think most tainted youths end up being perverts.

Monty: Good fucking answer!

Natasha: Oh and Monty, just so you know, I'm only a minor for another week. I turn eighteen on Wednesday.

Monty: Well, then I guess I better hurry up then. I don't have much time.

Monty: There are few things in this world more unsettling than going in the back to grab some condiments and end up staring at a huge, steaming pile of cock.

[shudders]

Monty: That's Naomi. And she's been working here WAY too long. But she's actually a pretty sweet girl... when she's drunk.

Monty: So are you going to talk to her or are you just gonna hope you're never forced to make an actual decision?

Dean: I'm going with option B.

Monty: That's my boy.

Dean: She really is a little bad-ass though, and fun to hang out with. Laid back. Maintenance fees are really low. I like that.

Monty: Yeah, she's a cool chick, I'd do her. Hell, I'd probably even pay.

[chuckles in disbelief then pauses]

Monty: I would.

Monty: So far I've made 15% of jack shit.

Monty: Okay, Mitch, you see what Dean just did there? Don't ever do that.

Serena: [to Monty] The only real pleasure I ever got from having sex with you came from making fun of it later with my friends. Tell him, Amy.

Amy: It's true, we laughed a lot at your expense.

Serena: So you know how when your walking past a group of people, you hear them laughing, you sometimes get that paranoid self-conscious feeling? Maybe they're laughing about you when they're really not? Well, in your case, they really are.

[blows kiss and walks away; long pause]

Monty: God, I love her.

Monty: [on going to the party] Okay, baby doll, you're definitely coming, right?

Natasha: If you do everything right, I will.

Monty: Oh god, Natasha, you're gonna have to stop that. You're making it hard... I mean difficult.

Dean: [meeting new trainee Mitch] Listen, man. You got nothing to worry about.

[pats Mitch on shoulder]

Dean: It's just a game.

Monty: Exactly.

Dean: And besides, you know, if heterosexual men can't show their cocks to each other, then what the hell are we doing here?

Monty: Amen, brother.

Dean: [tweaking Mitch's nipple] You're adorable.

Monty: Mitch, you picked a fucked up night to start working here.

Naomi: You really want to know why?

Monty: Yes I really do.

Naomi: Ok Ill tell you why. Its because of THIS!

[jumps on the barstool and lifts her skirt]

Calvin, Mitch, Monty: OH! MY GOD!

Naomi: Yea! Bang! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Monty: Its so angry!

Naomi: [screeches and hisses like cat]

Calvin: Oh GOD does that thing have its shots? Put it away! Just put iy away!

Naomi: Dinner is served!

Calvin: Well its official, my penis is now just for show.

Monty: Mitch you picked a FUCKED up night to start working here.

Monty: Okay, so how would you like your steak prepared?

Female Customer: Oh, let's see... Medium... medium-rare... Well, I want a hot, pink center.

[Beat]

Monty: Don't we all?

Monty: We have our first official beyotch of the day!

Monty: Awwww c'mon now dogg, you know I'm just fucking with you. You know I give you the mad phat superfly stupid dope dumbass retarded bomb shit props.

Calvin: I never make... how do you make a hundred dollars every night?

Monty: You wanna know?

Calvin: Yeah.

Monty: You really wanna know how I make a hundred dollars every night?

Calvin: Yes.

Monty: It's all about that right there!

[he points; everyone turns around and is confronted by Raddimus' testicles]

Monty: Yes!

Raddimus: Yes!

[everyone groans]

Monty: Monty with the assist!

Raddimus: I can't believe how many homos we got working in here!

Monty: Women troubles Amy?

Amy: I just don't understand what would compel a person to be such a bitch to a total stranger!

Monty: Maybe she was abused when she was a child.

Amy: Oh God, I fucking hope so.

Monty: With women, it's always one of two things. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's really no need to ever call them again. Or they DO sleep with you... and then there's really no need to ever call them again.

Monty: [to new trainee Mitch] But, um, if you wanna work here,

[looks around]

Monty: in this restaurant,

[continues looking]

Monty: I really think that you need to asky yourself one simple question.

[pauses]

Monty: How do you feel about frontal male nudity?

Dean: Calvin, what happens with every girl you're interested in?

Monty: Nothing!

Dean: You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!

Monty: And then you go home, alone, to masturbate while you cry, using your own tears as lube...

[cut off]

Calvin: Ok, that was once, and I was drunk, and *it was Valentine's Day*. So back off.

Dean: How many times can we have the exact same conversation?

Monty: It's like we're stuck in a fucking time paradox where neither our wisdom nor your virginity will ever escape.

Monty: That's right, birds of a feather flock to-vagina.

Monty: Ahh, you know Tyla, everytime I look at you I wish I was a lesbian.

Tyla: Oh what a coincidence. Everytime I look at you I'm glad I'm a lesbian.

Monty: Everyone knows that I'm orally fixated and you can't deny that I played your vagina like a violin!

Serena: As if that somehow negates the fact that once we moved past foreplay you turned into the little engine that couldn't hold it's load?

Calvin: You really are an asshole

Monty: Shenaniganz

Monty: Women. They're so fucking wiley!

Calvin: You guys suck.

Monty: Yes... we do.

[on Nick and T-Dog]

Monty: Those guys should be sterilized. And I'm not kidding at all.

Natasha: Dean.

Dean: What?

Natasha: The old lady at Table 37 wants you to sing the birthday song for her grandson. His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.

Dean: [tosses a cake with Happy Birthday onto the counter from the box] I need birthday singers!

Monty: Come on, people! We need birthday singers!

Naomi: Fuck.

Dean: [the gang walk toward Table 37, clapping and cheering. Dean holds out the cake and brings it to the table, spotting Timmy] There he is. There's the big winner.

[sets the cake onto the table where Timmy is]

Monty: [excitedly] Yeah!

Dean: All right. Attention, guests! Today's a very special occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday! Big round of applause.

[the guests cheer and applaud]

Dean: He's earned it. He's got his whole life ahead of him. The sky's the limit.

Dean: [singing] I don't know but I've been told.

Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [singing] Someone here is getting old!

Dean: [singing, Timmy looks frightened] Good news is dessert is free.

Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [singing] Bad news is we sing off-key!

Dean: [singing] Happy birthday...

Dean, Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [point to Timmy, in unison] TO YOU!

[Timmy starts crying in embarrassment, the waiters applaud and cheer. One of them holds up Timmy's arm and waves it in the air]

Natasha: Look at the camera!

[holding a camera]

Dean: Picture time.

[the camera snaps and we're revealed the photograph of all the waiters and Timmy posed for the picture, Timmy still cries in the background as this happens]

Dean: All right. All right. Cry it off.

Monty: Do you like vegetables? I've always been fond of root crops but I only started to grow last summer. I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose. Do you grow?

Withnail: Geraniums.

Monty: Oh, you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain 'je ne sais quoi' oh so very special about a firm, young carrot.

Withnail: Monty used to act.

Monty: Well, I'd hardly say that. It's true, I crept the boards in my youth. But I never really had it in my blood, and that's what's so essential, isn't it, theatrical zeal in the veins. Alas I have little more than vintage wine and memories. It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself "I will never play the Dane." When that moment comes, one's ambition ceases. Don't you agree?

Withnail: It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.

Monty: And you'd be marvellous. "It's gone. We do it wrong, being so majestical. To offer it the show of violence..."

[as Monty continues to recite the line from Hamlet, Marwood gets up and whispers in Withnail's ear]

Marwood: Please, let's go. He's a madman. Any minute now he's going to rush out and get into his tights.

[Jake has left a dead hare hanging on the cottage door, along with a note]

Monty: [reading the note] "Here. Hare. Here."

Monty: [shouting at his cat] You beastly little parasite, how dare you! You little thug! How dare you! Beastly, ungrateful little swine!

Monty: I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops.

Monty: Come on lads, let's get home, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp.

Simon Wilder: Women. Ain't they perfect?

Monty: Not always.

Simon Wilder: Yes, they are, they're perfect. Don't matter if they're skinny, fat, blond or blue. If a woman is willing to give you her love, Harvard, it's the greatest gift in the world. Makes you taller, makes you smarter, makes your teeth shine. Boy, oh, boy, women are perfect.

Monty: Why did you say that I was a loser?

Simon Wilder: Winners forget they're in a race, they just love to run. You try too hard.

Simon Wilder: When it comes to relationships, everyone's a used car salesman. L

Monty: Is that your philosophy? Don't trust anyone.

Simon Wilder: No, you've got to trust people. But you can't believe in the warranty.

Monty: Simon wrote his own obituary, and he asked me to read it. "Simon B. Wilder bit it on Wednesday."

[they laugh]

Monty: "He saw the world out of the porthole of a leaky freighter, was a collector of memories, and interrupted a lecture at Harvard. In 50 years on earth he did only one thing he regretted. He is survived by his family: Jeff Hawks, who always remembers to flush; Everett Calloway, who knows how to use words; Courtney Blumenthal, who is strong, and also knows how to love; and by Montgomery Kessler, who will graduate life with honor, and without regret."

Simon Wilder: [quoting Walt Whitman] "To drive free, to love free, to court destruction with taunts, to feed the remainder of life with one hour of fullness and freedom - one brief hour of madness and joy."

Marty: Would you like to dance?

Monty: [to Simon] Maybe you shouldn't...

Simon Wilder: Let's not go overboard with this "staying alive" junk.

Courtney: [after Monty kisses her] What are you doing?

Monty: I'm ending our friendship.

[kisses her again]

[Courtney is shaving her legs with his razor]

Monty: I never wanted to be a razor so bad in all my life.

Monty: [about his Mother-In-Law] She says I drink too much, I smoke too much, I gamble. I mean she's right, but what can I do? I got no... what's the word...

Nicky: Class.

Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You're an ecological menace!

Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!

Saleslady: May I help you

Monty: No, we're just browsing

Saleslady: How long do you intend to browse

Monty: that lady over there, You didn't ask her how long she's going to browse.

Saleslady: You don't look like browsers

Nicky: Yeah, what do browsers look like.

Monty: Yeah, maybe I'm half browser.

Nicky: Yeah, on his mother's side.

Monty: [after putting a six tier wedding cake in the back of Nicky's van] It's not going to bounce around in there is it?

Nicky: No, I got it wedged against the toilet.

fat anthony's grand mother: Montey, did you ever see a face like this.

Monty: No. If I did I'd remember it.

Monty: Nicky, just in time.

Monty: I didn't want to see her fucking face.

Monty: Mother.

Belinda Capuletti: Someday I'll be out of you're life.

Monty: Yeah, well for now get out of the bathroom.

Monty: My mother-in-law, for years I wouldn't kiss her face; I end up kissing her ass.

Allison Capuletti: [as Monty is walking her down the aisle during her wedding ceremony] He's everything I ever wanted.

Monty: You don't ask for much do you?

Blanche Genaro: Look at him, he's such a beautiful boy! He's got my eyes!

John Genaro: And he's got my nose!

Monty: Yeah, and my sympathy.

Monty: [Discovers a neighbor is letting his Doberman crap in Monty's yard] Hey! Not here! Not here!

Bill Jones: Don't disturb King when he's doing his business.

Monty: What makes you think I want to inherit the business?

Nicky: Ho! can sombody help us here?

Man behind the counter at Monahans: [bald man pops up from behind the counter] I dont think so

Monty: [talking to the bald manikin] I tell you my friend here

[stops and looks at the man behind the counter]

Monty: I tell you my friend here is looking for a shirt.

Nicky: Yeah something in a dark black?

Nicky: Do you have any mens shirts for men?

Monahan's Clerk: Have you tried the Army/Navy store?

Monty: Ha ha ha very funny. One more word outta you and he gets it all right

[pointing to the bald manikin]

Monty: Why dont you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.

[refering to the manikin again]

Monty: Good stuff!

Nicky: It oughta be... I got it off a cop.

fat anthony's grand mother: [During the photo shoot of Anthony the fat little kid on the rocking horse] Did you ever see a face like that before?

Monty: No, if I did I'd remember it.

Blanche Genaro: [During the photo shoot of Anthony the fat little kid on the rocking horse] We want some wallet size pictures too.

Monty: This kid wouldn't fit in a wallet size

Monty: [Nicky and Monty while browsing in Monahan's Antique shop] Hey. what do they got in here? Antiques?

Nicky: [seeing a quite elderly patron] No, those are the customers.

Monty: [Nicky and Monty while browsing in Monahan's Antique shop. Monty picks a sculpture of a couple of flying ducks] Hey... ducks in heat.

Monty: [During the photo shoot of Anthony the fat little kid on the rocking horse. He's out of control hitting Monty with a rubber bat, screaming and yelling] I'm tired of telling you the same thing. Kid ya gotta stay quiet... quiet now. Talk to him will ya. Be quiet will ya? Blanche, John, Grandma talk to him will ya? Stay quiet! Be quiet will ya... somebody will ya shut the fat little bastard up!

Monty: [Addressing the stuffy saleslady in the Monahan's antique shop] Hey lady, if I buy two odds will you show us your end?

Rose Capuletti: All I ever wanted was a happy family. That's all I ever asked for: a happy family. A family that loved each other. I never cared about anything else!

Monty: Stop it, will ya'? I can't take it no more!

Monty: [continues, looking frustrated and upset] Money caused all this. I don't wanna' be rich. We're not *supposed* to be rich. We don't look rich. We don't talk rich. We don't smell rich. No more rich!

Dr. Vindaldo: [In the hospital room, commenting on Monty's bullet wound in his rear end] He was hit in the fleshy area of the gluteus maximus...

Monty: Ah, you're wrong! He got me in the ass!

Monty: Yeah, well you where the inspiration for twin beds.

Monty: Try not to die like a dog.

Monty: Beware of Mrs. Ball's treacle tart. There is many-a-fly that got stuck in that!

Dito: Did you love me daddy? Lie and say you did, make me feel like the piece of shit I am. Did you love me? Answer me!

Monty: A father always-...

Dito: Not a father, YOU!

Young Dito: My friend just got fucking shot. You don't know what's happening.

Monty: It's okay. It's okay. I'm your father. I love you. I'm your father.

Young Dito: [crying] When were you ever my father?

Young Dito: What if I did go? What if I went to Manhattan, or I went somewhere else, like... I don't know.

Monty: Come on Dito, you're not going anywhere, come on.

Monty: [to Amalia] You've lost so much weight! I thought your ass was Jodie Foster's chin!

Monty: You're not too bright. I like that in a man.

Nick: This is for you.

[He hands Monty a bust.]

Monty: For good luck?

Nick: Well, you always wanted me to give you head.

Monty: Is that my shirt? Or are you eating an onion bagel?

Monty: [Regarding a painting] Look, it's Macauley Culkin throwing up a soft-shell crab!

Sheriff Hoyt: Tommy? Tommy? We need you upstairs. Bring your lil' toy with you.

Luda Mae: What are you goona do to him?

Sheriff Hoyt: Nothin' but a little surgery. Come on now Tommy.

[Chainsaw revs, Monty's leg is sliced off, the other leg cut in the process]

Monty: AAAAAAAAAHH!

Sheriff Hoyt: Now come on Tommy, that's sloppy work. Fix it up!

Luda Mae: No No!

Monty: AAAAAAAAAAHH!

[Cuts off other leg clean]

Luda Mae: What on earth didya do that for?

Sheriff Hoyt: You know, jus' to balance things out.

[Monty is urinating]

Monty: You little bastard, I know you got more in there.