Miranda Quotes in Darktown Strutters (1975)
Syreena: I saw them out there!
Carmen: The Klan?
Miranda: Then it's true, they're riding again!
Bridget: We thought it would be really fun to get a photo of us backstage among all these glamorous people. I think that's the guy from Bargain Hunt. It'd be great if you could get him in the shot. Quick, quick, quick!
Ed Sheeran: [holding their phone to take the photo] So you don't want me in the photo at all?
Miranda: Oh, God. You can lose the attitude, babes. Is it really that difficult?
[Taking Bridget by the arm and turning away]
Miranda: God. They let any old riff-raff backstage nowadays.
Bridget: I don't know. I thought he was kind of cute. But he looks familiar. I think he works at the Starbucks in Balham!
Miranda: What happened?
Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.
Natalie: We're his damn kids too.
[Miranda gives Daniel a dirty look]
Daniel: [nervously] Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things.
Miranda: [sarcastically] Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old, Daniel?
Miranda: [about Stu] Isn't he fabulous?
Mrs. Doubtfire: If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
Miranda: He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other intentions.
Miranda: This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, alright?
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, certainly, dear.
Miranda: How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away... Did you feel any desire...?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Never.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Never again.
Miranda: Never again?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you! Good luck.
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad] I am job.
Miranda: Do you speak English?
Daniel: I am job.
Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
Miranda: What a nightmare!
Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."
Cop: Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?
Miranda: What if you're married to one?
Miranda: Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny! He could always make me laugh.
Mrs. Doubtfire: They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter.
Miranda: But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Why?
Miranda: I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [crushed] Really?
Miranda: The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, you never... I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear?
Miranda: Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then *I* was serious enough for everybody.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all.
Miranda: Who needs a husband when I've got you?
Daniel: Well, let's take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great.
Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
Daniel: Well, we'll move. That way our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other... Don't we?
Miranda: I want a divorce.
Miranda: [shocked] The whole time? I mean the whole time?
Miranda: [furious] The whole time?
Daniel: [talking about his apartment] I was going kind of a refugee motif. You know, "fleeing my homeland" kind of thing. But look at you. This lovely Dances With Wolves motif. What's your Indian name, Shops With A Fist?
Miranda: Are my children ready yet?
Daniel: No, our children are not ready yet. Because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off.
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [startled] What?
Miranda: You're going into the men's room.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses.
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a German accent] Yeah, my name is Elsa Emmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have.
Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel: Oh, a boy... I don't "werk" with the males, 'cause I used to be one.
Miranda: [hangs up] Yikes!
Miranda: [Answering the phone] Hello?
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello?
Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?
Miranda: Yes, I did.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!
Mrs. Dupree: I don't do laundry, I don't do windows, I don't do carpets, I don't do bathtubs, I don't do toilets, I don't do diapers...
Miranda: Um, my children have been potty-trained for quite some time.
Mrs. Dupree: Well, I don't do washing, I don't do basements, I don't do dinners, and I don't do reading!
[Miranda shows Mrs. Dupree to the door and gives Lydie the "slitting your throat" gesture as she walks away; Lydie checks Mrs. Dupree's name off the list]
Miranda: Are you OK?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood, that would make my day! He is such a stud muffin!
Miranda: [describes the benefits of having Mrs. Doubtfire] We're all doing so great.
Daniel: Ohh. Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true.
Miranda: I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts. You bring home the goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it!
Mrs. Doubtfire: Marriage can be such a blessing.
Miranda: So can divorce.
Daniel: May I see the ad? Miranda, I just want to look at the ad, I have a right as their father.
Miranda: Fine. Here. Anything else you wanna see?
Daniel: Are you offering?
Miranda: Not any more.
Daniel: What's the change?
Miranda: Daniel, the kids need you.
Daniel: I need them.
Miranda: Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.
[about Mr. Allen]
Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!
Fletcher: Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
[Fletcher continues with every member]
Fletcher: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it alive. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!
Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!
Mr. Allen: [Adressing one of his board members] Kep your eye on that boy, dick-head!
Miranda: [coming up behind Fletcher] Fletcher.
Fletcher: [shouts] Holy hell!
Eddie Cantrow: I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.
Buzz: Oh, you're too much. Really?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed down and -
Eddie Cantrow: [everyone stops laughing]
Eddie Cantrow: It was not pretty.
Gayla: Did you file charges?
Eddie Cantrow: No, I...
Miranda: He was making a joke, Gayla.
Deborah: About anal rape...?
Miranda: I just pureed some vegetables.
Milly: So did I.
[points to her puke pot]
Milly: Care to try some?
Miranda: You're wearing plastic shoes, and what is this shirt made out of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See? I mean, isn't that a food? You're wearing food.
Janet: I am not going to stand here and be insulted on my own porch.
Miranda: I'll insult you right here.
Janet: OK, I'm a pacifist. I don't play that way.
Miranda: I'm gonna peace you in the side of the fuckin' head you don't give us the dog.
Janet: I'm not going to receive that with anything but love.
Miranda: Every man I meet is either a dick or a looser.
Ned: What about Jeremy? He's not a dick. And he's not a looser, either.
Miranda: Well, that's debatable. He doesn't even have health insurance.
Ned: Neither do I. At least I don't think I do.
Miranda: The puffballs.
Aurelio Biondi, Titta's Father: When the puffballs come, cold winter's almost gone.
Miranda: Father Tony... What are you doing in the pool?
Brother Tony: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Miranda: So, I was seeing this guy and he's a devil worshiper, right? Well, he's a hairdresser really, but he devil-worships on the side. And we booked this dumb tour because, you know, he likes ghosts, dead gerbils, that kind of thing... and he ran off with this Bhuddist monk! I mean, how I was supposed to know he was gay? So what about you, are you gay too?
Brother Tony: Uh, no, I'm not. I'm - I'm chaste!
Miranda: Just kidding! Trick question!
Miranda: [after the hotel staff has 'performed', the hall is left in darkness] Where did they all go?
Sharon: Don't ask. They might come back.
Berto: I love you, Miranda. I love you!
Miranda: You are not the only one...
Berto: The old man again, right?
Miranda: Sure, he loves me too. Look, pretty nice ring.
Berto: Get rid of it, you hear?
Miranda: Are you crazy? It's mine!
Berto: You are a...
Miranda: Say it, go on. It gets me all excited.
Berto: Slut, whore, bitch!
Miranda: You don't take anything seriously do you? You think the world is just here for your amusement!
Charlie: But look at the world...
Miranda: I do. But unlike you I have to live in it!
Miranda: You want to know how California got it's name? It's not named after some explorer, or king. Nope. Someone made the name up - a writer. He just pulled it out of his imagination in the 16th century, in Spain. He made up this place where there was unlimited gold, and pearls, and beautiful fierce women who wore gold armor, and rode wild beasts. And he called it California. It's true. It was a best seller back then. Charlie told me that. He said I could like it up if I didn't believe him. But I didn't need to.
Miranda: [first lines - narration] Technically what happened wasn't my fault. I'm a minor, I'm not responsible for my actions. Technically.
[alarm sounds, everyone runs]
Miranda: But these things should be taken on a case-by-case basis. In our case, I've always been the responsible party. Someone had to look out for him.
Miranda: When my father moved away, I lived alone in our house. Which was not exactly normal, but at least I had a routine. Before, when he was home, I could never exactly get comfortable, because it always felt like something was about to happen.
Miranda: [first day with father back] So, it was time to get back on the old bi-polar pony, and ride.
Miranda: Animals were popping up in the most unlikely places. Someone at work said she saw a deer in the cosmetics aisle at Target.
Miranda: They searched all night, but they never did find Charlie's body. One of the cops asked me why Charlie jumped back into the hole. I told them it was where Charlie wanted to go. It was where he wanted to go all along. The cop looked at me like I was crazy, and stopped asking questions. What I didn't tell them was that if Charlie hadn't of tied me up, I probably would have followed him.
Chinese Man: [last lines - something in Chinese] ... is California, ha?
Miranda: Excuse me?
Chinese Man: This place, this California, ha?
Miranda: Oh... Yeah.
Chinese Man: [announces to others in Chinese]
Charlie: So then, it dawned on me one night, while the other patients were watching JAG.
Miranda: They like that in there?
Charlie: They love it.
Miranda: When Charlie was in the mental hospital, social services thought I was with my mother. And child welfare thought I was with my father. My father thought I was with my mother. My mother thought I was with a foster family. Somewhere some foster family thought I was with my father, and so on.
Miranda: Parents have this advantage over us. We want to believe in them. And when we don't believe in them, we still just want to be with them.
Charlie: Miranda, did you go to that orgie?
Miranda: I... it was a barbecue.
Miranda: I want to want you.
Abe: That's enough for me.
Miranda: [reconsidering her rejection of Abe's marriage proposal] I should stop trying to slit my wrists, give up on a literary career, give up on hope, ambition, success, independence, self-respect. I should just get married and have children.
Miranda: [having just been kissed by Abe] Oh, my god. That wasn't horrible. Things could've been so much worse.
Abe: My mother said that she thinks you're... pregnant. Is it true?
Miranda: You know your mom.
Abe: I know. That's why I'm asking, because, if it's true, if you're carrying my baby, it's gonna be okay.
Miranda: Don't worry. I'm not.
Abe: Miranda, I know this might take you by surprise, I mean, like, totally wild and crazy, I know. I'm just a dark horse at heart, but I always just tell myself "Abe, go for it!"
Abe: Miranda, I wanna marry you. Will you accept? Don't say anything. Just think about it. I know. It's totally crazy. I know. I just wanted to put it out there, let you know how I feel, but let's just push that aside for now. You wanna go to the movies, do to the mall or somethin', pick up some tacos?
Miranda: I hate you.
Phillip Dimitrius: Tough.
Aretha Tomalin, Miranda: We're tired of being prisoners!
Phillip Dimitrius: Tough shit.
Miranda: Tell me you can fix that.
Make Up Artist: Maybe with a spatula and a blowtorch.
Frank: Please say it, say those three words, just three.
Miranda: Fuck off...
Miranda: Will you go with me?
Miranda: Because you make me want to run in the fields.
Frank: But... why?
Miranda: Because I need you.
Frank: Yeah. But why?
Miranda: Because I love you.
Miranda: Wait! I can learn. I can be whatever you want me to be.
Christian: You know it's a myth, don't ya?
Christian: Love... it's just an incentive to propagate the species.
Miranda: It's like whatever we say becomes true.
Frank: [taking a deep breath] Would you like to go for a drink?
Miranda: No. Why?
Frank: You know, when people say the've seen miracles? Amazing things like, you know, they say they've seen the face of the virgin Mary. But it ain't, it's just a piece of coal or something.
Frank: Well, what's important is, they've witnessed something of such humongously large, religous proportions, that their whole life just - shimmers.
Frank: That's me, that is.
Frank: *You* are my virgin Mary... coal... thing.
Frank: I just wanna sit beside you in a bar. Go on then, say no. I know you're gonna say it.
Miranda: Allright then. One drink, no fuck.
Frank: [Miranda's handbag vibrates across the table] Your bag's wobbling. What's in it?
Miranda: I don't want sex.
Frank: I didn't ask... I think people should, um, get to know each other better before they have sex.
Miranda: In what way?
Frank: Well, you know, like, um... 'What's your favorite color?'
[Miranda ponders for a second then starts to snicker]
Frank: What are you thinking about?
Miranda: My dad.
Frank: What's he like?
Miranda: He was, um...
Frank: Really horrible?
Miranda: Yeah... he killed our dog.
Miranda: Because I loved it more than him.
Frank: Never knew my parents.
Miranda: [to Nailor, on the phone] You're not worth scraping off a shoe. Are you?
Nailor: [On the phone] I need to see you.
Miranda: If I don't call, you'll know it's me.
Miranda: When I ran away from my dad's, I lived in New Jersey. And then Christian came along. And he was kind... And funny. He taught me to do these card tricks, that I could do in bars, you know, make myself some money. And it was easy. I wasn't *taking* people's money, they just... they just *gave* it to me. It's like, for the first time, I was really good at something. And then it just grew. We sell people buildings. They don't even exist. It's like whatever we say, just becomes true. If Christian told you it was sunny, you'd believe him. The rain could be coming down so hard your head's bleeding. And there you are, smiling up at the sun. It's amazing.
Frank: [Not impressed] It's a con.
Miranda: [Shrugging] It's what I do. It's who I am.
Miranda: [Nailor has tracked her down] How did you find me?
Nailor: The smell. I can smell you 500 miles away.
Miranda: When our heads are close, I can hear the ocean.
Miranda: I decided I had to get rid of it one summer before school. I ended up doing it with the same guy my best friend did it with. He was the local... deflowerer...
Christopher: I remember that guy! Oh Miranda, he was repulsive!
Miranda: What we see and what we seem are but a dream, a dream within a dream.
Miranda: Everything begins and ends at the exactly right time and place.
Miranda: Look! Not down at the ground, Edith. Way up there in the sky.
Ben Hussey: Ah, you wouldn't have the time, I suppose, Miss?
Mlle. de Poitiers: Ah, Miranda- your pretty little diamond watch?
Miranda: Don't wear it anymore. Can't stand the ticking above my heart.
Irma: If it were mine, I'd wear it always- even in the bath. Would you Mr. Hussey?
Miranda: You must learn to love someone else, apart from me, Sara. I won't be here much longer.
Edith: May I come, too, please?
Marion: So long as you don't complain.
Edith: I won't, I promise.
Miranda: And don't worry about us Mademoiselle. We shall only be gone a little while.
[Maria meets Bennie for the first time]
Miranda: [whispering to a door] Tetro, your brother is here...
[Tetro locks the door]
Miranda: [about Tetro] When I met him, he said he was a writer. He held everything he ever wrote against his chest.
Miranda: You need success, Tetro.
Miranda: I'm not deluded, Pete, I'm possessed.
Pete: I don't believe in ghosts.
Miranda: Neither do I, but they believe in me.
Miranda: Did we have an affair?
Miranda: Did you want to?
Miranda: Did you think I wanted to?
Miranda: Then why didn't we?
Pete: Because you were married to the boss.
Miranda: But I'm not now.
Pete: I'm here - I'm trying to help you. Why don't you trust me?
Miranda: Because you can't trust somebody when they think you're crazy.
Chloe: He came back again last night and tore me like paper. He opened me like a flower of pain, and it felt good. He sank into me and set me on fire, like he always does. Made me burn from the inside out.
Miranda: How did you know it was the devil?
Miranda: All I know is I saw this girl, and she's connected to me. How? I don't know how she's connected to me. But she is.
Pete: Delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, frequent derailment and incoherence...
Miranda: Don't rattle off this psychiatric shit to me! I know that like the back of my hand!
Pete: Good! Good. Saves me the trouble.
Miranda: I need you to tell me who did this to you? Tell me his name, Chloe. Chloe, tell me. Tell me anything. Tell me.
Chloe: I'll tell you one thing: He can have my body, but he will never have my soul. Never. The devil.
Chloe: You have no idea how it feels not to be trusted.
Miranda: You've got to trust me too, Chloe
Chloe: You can't trust someone who thinks you're crazy.
Chloe: It was the only way to help him stop.
Miranda: Stop what?
Chloe: Stop fucking me!
Dr. Douglas Grey: [handing a Miranda a glass of water] Throw it on the mirror. This is what she sees now.
Miranda: A distorted image of herself.
Dr. Douglas Grey: Who are you in all this?
Miranda: I'm the mirror.
Dr. Douglas Grey: You are the mirror.
Miranda: If I'm the mirror and she's the image... then who are you?
Dr. Douglas Grey: I can see both of you... so I'm God. Or just an overworked hospital beaurocrat.
Miranda: "God" is good.
Dr. Douglas Grey: Always remember, the ability to repress... is actually a vital survival tool. Without it... Chloe might not have survived.
Chloe: Are you scared?
Chloe: You should be.
Miranda: I am a rational person. I believe in science. I don't believe in the paranormal, and I don't believe in ghosts. But if you are the ghost of Rachel Parsons, then you would let me out of this cell.
Miranda: [to the girl on the bridge] Are you okay? Are you okay? Hey! Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm a Doctor. I'm a Doctor. I'm gonna take you to the hospital. I'm a Doctor, honey. I'm gonna help you, okay? You're gonna be okay. I'm gonna help you, okay?
Pete: Miranda... Doug is dead. You killed him.
Miranda: [screaming] No! No! No!
Miranda: [picking up a picture of Rachel Parsons] Who is this? Who is this girl?
Phil Parsons: That's my daughter, Rachel.
Miranda: No, no, no. This is the girl that I saw at the bridge. This is the girl.
Phil Parsons: No, Miranda, no.
Miranda: How is she? Where is she?
Phil Parsons: It's impossible.
Miranda: This is the girl I've been seeing. This girl, right here.
Phil Parsons: She's dead. Rachel died four years ago.
Pete: You're in crisis. Don't you see how this image is tailor-made for your state of mind. A woman in purgatory. I need you to explain this to me though.
Miranda: Rachel Parsons did not commit suicide.
Phil Parsons: Miranda, I... I... I wouldn't look for a real-world explanation. It's a dream, a delusion.
Miranda: A delusion that we both seem to share.
Pete: Miranda, what's the last thing you remember?
Miranda: I remember Chloe. I was having my Friday night session with Chloe.
Pete: How did that go?
Miranda: She was embellishing her rape story. I saw Doug.
Dr. Douglas Grey: [in flashback] Dr. Graham.
Miranda: You were there. When I went back to my office, I worked on Chloe's file. I decided to call it quits, I went down to the pool, had a swim, fifty-five laps, saw Joe, got my keys. Went to my car. You walked me to it.
Miranda: But there... There was a detour.
Sheriff Ryan: [in flashback] Oh, hey, tell Doug to give me a call...
Miranda: So I had to go over the bridge, so I went over the bridge.
Pete: I wonder what else happened. Try to remember.
Miranda: I got home. I saw Doug. He was on the couch.
Pete: Try to remember.
Miranda: There was a girl. Yeah, there was a girl.
Miranda: Logic is overrated.
Miranda: I'm dreaming.
Miranda: How long have I been in here?
Pete: Three days.
Miranda: Why? Why?
Miranda: I want to talk to my husband. Where is he? Where is he?
Miranda: Yeah, as a doctor, I understand why you think that. But something is really happening to me.
Teddy Howard: [Miranda's arm is bleeding] Miranda, what's that?
Irene: It's okay. It's okay, Miranda.
Miranda: Why are you doing this to me?
Pete: Miranda, let's just go, okay? We're done.
Miranda: Why are you doing this to me?
Miranda: Help me! Somebody! Dr. Graham! You better tell me why I'm in here, Irene!
Miranda: What do you want from me?
Miranda: [only from the original second draft of the script] I remind you of your mother?
Chloe: Always so put together. Like you iron your underwear. Like your pussy is the apricot of the Promised Land and the bread of the...
Miranda: Bye-bye Mummy.
Miranda: Be nice to Leah and Nicky
[grabs her leg splints]
Miranda: So how long are you here for, Dickie?
Dickie: Well if all goes well, for the rest of my life.
Miranda: Wow, that's a commitment. I've been here for seven years, and I love it, you know. There's something about the air that kind of erogenizes you.
Dickie: Hmm. Sounds perfect, have my babies.
Miranda: Actually, I can't have children. Um, I was in New York, got a nasty S.T.D. The doctor said it cut me up and left me sterile, but with a "Jackson Pollack" on my womb. So I'm useless, but decorative. If you like abstract art.
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