Miles Quotes in Transformers (2007)

[Sam wistfully watches Mikaela walk away]

Bumblebee: [turning his radio on] "Who's gonna drive you home?"

Miles: Hey, man, what's wrong with your radio?

Sam Witwicky: I am.

Miles: What?

Sam Witwicky: I'm gonna drive her home!

Miles: What? She's an evil jock concubine, man, let her hitchike!

Sam Witwicky: She lives ten miles away, all right? It's my only chance! Get out of the car!

Miles: Hey, I called shotgun! Bros before hoes, man!

[Miles grabs the diamond]

Miles: Got the rock. Time to roll.

Miles: You want thirty-one flava's? Baskin and Robbins is where you wanna be. Be cool.

Sal: Now, Rosa, would you listen to me. Daredevil motorcyclists always have to have beautiful, sexy broads hangin' around.

Miles: Rosa, I'm your best friend. What do you want us to look like? Phonies or what?

Sal: RIght.

Rosa: Sal, I'm your sister! What about Maureen? She's your girlfriend.

Miles: Come on, Rosa. Maureen is too flat-chested!

Miles: Calm down Royce, Felix can handle it.

Bill Manucci: Felix couldn't handle his own dick if it spat a load into his own hand!

Bill Manucci: Do you really think I'm stupid enough to kill a fed agent?

Miles: As a matter of fact, yes I do!

Yuri: [Yuri is shivering in fear as the memory-erasing machine is strapped to his head] C'mon...

Miles: Does it hurt...?

Darryl: ...Oh yeah.

Hansen: Look, Miles I'm in no mood for any jokes today. I just had surgery done on my teeth. What are you talking about?

Miles: Mustapha Amad, we lost him.

Hansen: Look, it took six agencies over three years to get that son of a bitch! How could we lose him?

Miles: Someone broke him out.

Hansen: Someone? How many were there, Miles?

Miles: Just one. Your old friend, Eddy Williams.

Hansen: We had that guy locked up in that goddamn battleship, so how could we lose him?

Miles: It took Williams only five minutes to break him out.

Hansen: Okay... so in order to find Mustapha, we need to find Williams.

Miles: So, what do you want to do?

Hansen: What do I want to do? We get the right man for the job, you got that? Now, get your fat ass off my desk!

Miles: All right, all right!

Miles: Sometimes you gotta say "What the Fuck", make your move. Joel, every now and then, saying "What the Fuck", brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future. So your parents are going out of town. You got the place all to yourself.

Joel Goodson: Yeah.

Miles: What the fuck.

Miles: I don't believe this! I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp.

Joel Goodson: Porsche. There is no substitute.

Miles: Fuck you.

Miles: Say "what the fuck."... If you can't say it, you can't do it.

Miles: [to Joel] What happened?

Joel Goodson: Last night?

Miles: That's right - with Kessler.

Joel Goodson: She was babysitting down the street...

Miles: We know that!

Joel Goodson: So I went over there. It turns out that, uh, she was giving the kid a bath and accidentally hit the shower thing...

[some guy off camera]

Joel Goodson: right.

Miles: That could happen.

Joel Goodson: ...and all her clothes were drying upstairs. So she plops down right on the kitchen floor and she looks up at me and says 'I think I'm in the mood.'

Barry: She said that? What did you say?

Joel Goodson: I didn't have to say anything.

Glenn: Whatcha do?

Joel Goodson: What do you think I did?

Glenn: I think you got the hell out of there, ran home, and wacked off.

Barry: [makes a wacking off noise with his cheek]

Miles: I disagree.

[to Joel]

Miles: Did you have your bike there?

Joel Goodson: Yeah.

Miles: I think you jumped on your bike, peddled home, and wacked off!

[Miles is taunting Joel with outrageous personal ads]

Miles: "When I was a little girl, my daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place?" Call Misty!

Miles: [Miles tries to comfort Joel after the Porsche incident] You okay? Do you want an aspirin? Your dad own a gun?

Joel Goodson: You didn't tell anyone did ya?

Miles: No... Glen knows.

Joel Goodson: What about Barry?

Miles: He knows too.

Joel Goodson: Okay. Just don't tell anyone.

[Joel Goodson's parents are away for the weekend]

Miles: Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

Joel Goodson: When it came right down to it, I just wasn't attracted to her.

Miles: That should never stop you.

Liz: I'm pregnant.

Miles: Oh! Um... great. That was fast. Usually it takes atleast four to six weeks.

Liz: [interrupting] No... it's this guy I met in Brazil, I'm pretty sure.

Miles: The... the silent retreat guy? The...

Liz: Yeah.

Miles: Silent guy, was it? You guys just got straight to it, no talking?

Liz: Yeah. No words required.

Miles: Not funny. Skillful, but not funny.

Allison: It's like when something sounds funny, but it isn't funny.

Liz: I like you.

Miles: I like me too.

Lindsay: You were never inches away from anything.

Miles: Fuck you Lindsay.

Lindsay: You won't. 'Coz I'm not 22 and I'm not your student.

Miles: Where do you live?

Buck: In the city.

Miles: You have a house?

Buck: Apartment.

Miles: Own or rent?

Buck: Rent.

Miles: What do you do for a living?

Buck: Lots of things.

Miles: Where's your office?

Buck: I don't have one.

Miles: How come?

Buck: I don't need one.

Miles: Where's your wife?

Buck: Don't have one.

Miles: How come?

Buck: It's a long story.

Miles: You have kids?

Buck: No I don't.

Miles: How come?

Buck: It's an even longer story.

Miles: Are you my dad's brother?

Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?

Miles: 38.

Buck: I'm your dad's brother alright.

Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my dad.

Buck: How nice of you to notice.

Miles: I'm a kid that's my job.

Buck: Did you brush your teeth?

Miles: Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.

Buck: You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it. To see if you actually brushed your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.

[Miles imagines hearing sirens, Buck leaves]

Maisy Russell: If that's true, we're gonna really have to start brushing our teeth.

Miles: Holy smokes!

[turns to Tia and whispers]

Miles: He's cooking our garbage!

[Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]

Miles: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during Flu season!

Maisey Russell: I'll bet she's getting the tongue!

Miles: Waiting for your sex?

Tia: Shut up!

Miles: You always kick me around, I'm an American and I have rights.

Tia: Maisey, do I kick you around?

Maisey Russell: No, but you said 'shit' twice, only once that counts though.

Miles: Who's gonna take care of us?

Cindy Russell: Mr. and Mrs. Neville.

Miles: Is that a joke?

Cindy Russell: You don't like the Nevilles?

Miles: Their dog's a ball sniffer.

Cindy Russell: Don't talk like that!

Miles: Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.

Cindy Russell: Don't use that word.

Miles: I don't know another word.

Cindy Russell: Well, I'm sure we can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog.

Miles: ...NUTS!

[snaps his fingers]

JB: Holy shit, dude. It's Miles Teller.

Thomas: Dude, it is. That's him! Holy shit.

JB: He's so badass.

Costa: Yeah, my boy's starting at second base for USC.

JB: I heard he got sent to detention once and wound up banging the teacher.

Costa: Mi-Tell! What's crackin' bro? We go to North Pas.

Thomas: Yeah, dude, big fans.

Costa: Huge fans.

Miles: Cool. Awesome.

Costa: Look, we're making a movie.

JB: Invite him, man. Come on.

Thomas: Okay. Listen, Miles, we're having a little soiree at my place tonight. If you wanna swing by it should be.

Costa: [interrupts] Teller, my boy here is underselling this like a mother fucker. This shit's gonna be legit. You should definitely swing by.

Miles: Yeah, I can't. I actually have other plans tonight, so I might not make it.

Costa: Dude, think about it. It's on Dickens Street. We'd love to have you.

Miles: Dickens Street?

Costa: Yeah.

Miles: That's your party? You guys are throwing that? That's where I'm going. I heard it's gonna be fucking crazy, bro!

Thomas: That's my party. I'm Thomas Kub. It's my birthday today.

Miles: Yeah, I heard it's gonna be unlimited high school pussy and shit.

Costa: Dude, high school pussy for days.

Miles: Iris, if you were a melody... I used only the good notes.

Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

Miles: Exactly, and on top of that there's the old standby, I can't believe a girl like that would actually be with a guy like me.

Miles: You with me, Simpkins?

Iris: Miles. You really are an incredibly decent man.

Miles: I know. It's always been my problem.

Miles: It's Christmas Eve and we are going to go celebrate being young and being alive

Miles: [holds up a copy of "The Graduate" on DVD] Uh oh... "Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio... "? I bet you didn't know, it was all written for the movie, it was a score, technically.

Dustin Hoffman: I can't believe this... I can't go anywhere.

Miles: Now let me ask you. Have you seen this?

Iris: Chariots of Fire. Loved it.

Miles: [doing an impression of the soundtrack] Such a great score by Vangelis. He took electronic scores to a new level. It was groundbreaking. I'm gonna test you on this later. Okay. Driving Miss Daisy. Hans. Very unexpected. Do you remember how great it was?

[doing impression of soundtrack]

Miles: Sassy! Love it. Is this a bad game?

Iris: No.

Miles: Okay.

Iris: Keep going.

Miles: Sometimes I get self-conscious about my...

[interrupts himself by singing Gone with the Wind soundtrack]

Miles: [singing] Are you embarrassed by this game I've started to play?

[Stopped singing]

Miles: Okay. It's not a library. I can go loud.

[grabs Jaws]

Miles: BA-BAM! Two notes and you've got a villain. I don't know what to say about it. Totally brill.

[the graduate. Singing soundtrack]

Miles: I bet you didn't know that was all written for the movie. It was a score. Technically.

Iris: I did know that one.

Miles: Oh my God. Okay, this one? You have to check this out some time. The Mission. The score is genius. It just comes from a totally different place. It's like... I can't even... Just promise me you'll rent it and listen to it.

Iris: Renting.

Miles: Thank you. It changed my world.

Miles: [reaching across Iris to grab something on counter] Okay, sorry about that.

[pregnant pause]

Miles: Boob graze.

[Iris briefly surprised, then burst into merry laughter, with Miles joining in with a chuckle]

Miles: That was accidental.

[gazing around with sheepish smile]

Miles: Accidental boob graze. I'm sorry.

Iris: Change of subject.

[trying to restrain laughter]

Miles: Okay.

Miles: The wind... it's what makes it so warm this time of year. Legend has it, when the Santa Anas blow, anything can happen.

Iris: I'm having a Hannukah party.

Miles: Did you join a Temple since I last saw you?

Miles: Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you twice... and then linger a long time on the second kiss.

Miles: Well, hello big dollop!

Miles: [playing the keyboard and improv-singing with Iris] Oh my God, we both said 'fruitily'!

Miles: [to Iris] You're incredible! You're a prodigy! A doodle prodigy!

Miles: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kiss you twice and then linger on the second one.

Lance: All I can find are these scrunchies.

Miles: Yeah and socks.

Russell: Cha-ching! I found bras!

Miles: Yeah!

Miles: If you don't wanna be my friend anymore because I'm black, you just let me know.

Miles: Excuse me, I am tired of living a lie. I need it to be known that I like a big girl. In fact, a large, zaftig, voluptuous, full-figured, big-boned, massive-assive honey, that is what gets me going. I like fat women and they like me... big girls need love too, baby!

Billy: [looks back at Miles's girlfriend] That is unhealthy...

Miles: Can we not do this again?

Billy: Domo, don't you think that's unhealthy?

Mickey Dominguez: [shrugs shoulders]

Billy: Wait, you think all sex is unhealthy. Never mind... What I'm sayin' is... Miles, these women are too big to be foolin' with... I'm afraid that in the heat of passion, one of 'em is gonna roll over on you... squash you dead!

[to Alvin and Bill on Otis being gay and a drummer]

Miles: Why do think he's a drummer? So he can stare at our asses all night.

Jude: Hey, do you guys mind if I ask you something?

Alvin: She's not in rehab for drugs. It's just booze. Plus, she's a vomiter.

Miles: A fat vomiter, which is fucking useless.

Jude: No... just, why is Otis the leader?

Miles: You're a sucker. What you didn't realize is that you're dealing with one of the greatest minds you've ever seen.

Luna: Yeah, and his isn't so bad either!

Dr. Melik: Why, they could torture you for months; what could you possibly tell them, you don't know anything...

Miles: Only my name, rank, serial number... and YOUR name.

Race Steward: I'm terribly sorry, but only mechanics, judges, and family are allowed beyond this point.

Miles: We're family. That one's my husband.

Race Steward: Your what?

Agatha: Only joking. He means he's my husband, don't you, darling?

Miles: Oh my dears, listen. This is the this-most of them all.

Becca: Wait, how did you know she read your diary?

Miles: 'Cause I read her diary.

Miles: I'm gonna pee out of my dick.

Becca: It's there any other way?

Miles: Out of my butt.

Becca: That's gross and *unnecessary*.

Miles: It's not about talent. It's like more important to be a good salesman than a good artist.

Becca: Isn't that true about everything in life?

Miles: Honestly, I don't even know if I *care* what she wants. I kinda wanna know what *I* want before I talk to her.

Becca: Miles, it's not upto you or I to save history today. Let's leave that upto the LA conservancy. They can be pissed about it. We've got too much on our plates.

Miles: I'm a member of the LA conservancy.

Miles: The relationship shouldn't be about taking care of somebody else, it should be about the two of you taking care of each other.

Miles: Is life still on pause or do we have to hit play?

Becca: I think we have a few minutes left on pause.

Miles: [to Ben] She's way out of your league, and you know what, the sooner you realize that the happier you'll be.

Miles: Now let me get this straight...

Jesse: Do you remember when I told you that I was 104 years old?

[Winnie nods]

Jesse: Well... it's the honest truth.

[Winnie looks confused]

Jesse: I'm gonna live forever. I'm never gonna change. The same with Miles and Tuck and Mae. Something happened to us. I mean, as far as I know, I... I'm gonna be 17 until the end of the world. It's the spring, Winnie. Something's wrong with it. It stops you right where you are, if you'd had a drink of it today, you'd stay just like you are...

[Both hear a rustling noise. They turn around to see Miles]

Miles: Don't you wish he'd told you... before you kissed him? Did he tell you that immortality isn't all the preachers crack it up to be?

Jesse: Hey, leave her alone, Miles!

Miles: Well, now, you wanted her to hear it Jesse-boy. She's the first person you want to tell the truth to.

Jesse: You just don't want me to have what you lost.

Winnie: Stop this... both of you. Tell me... the truth... I wanna know.

Miles: [Miles nods and walks over towards Jesse and Winnie] We all had a drink. Except for the cat, and that's important.

[the rest of the monologue is told in flashbacks of what Miles is saying]

Miles: The water tasted like... heaven. It floated over your tongue like a cloud. Tuck carved a T in the trunk and we moved on west to find a place to settle down. We put up a house for Mae and Tuck and a little shed for Jesse and me. That was the first time we figured there was something... peculiar. Jesse fell thirty feet and landed on is neck. He was up on his feet before Mae could work up a good cry. Didn't hurt him a bit, no broken bones... nothing. But that's not all... not by a long shot. Things began to happen. Some brush-poppers mistook Mae's horse for a deer. Thing is, the bullets didn't kill hime. Barely even left a mark. Then Tuck got bitten by a rattle snake, and you know what... he didn't die.

[laughing]

Miles: But the cat did, of old age.

[Somberly, touching the ring on his finger]

Miles: And Miles got married.

[Whispering]

Miles: Bo. Little Anna.

[Out loud]

Miles: Tuck figured it early on. It was the spring. We all drank from it, even the horse. It had to be... the source of our changelessness. I begged her to come back... to me and find the spring and drink from it. The children, too. It was our only hope... to be together. She'd made up her mind that I'd... sold my soul to the devil. And she left me. She took my babies with her.

[Angrily, with tears in his eyes]

Miles: Everyone... pulled away after that. There was talk of witchcraft... and... black magic. I went lookin' for wars to fight... and I saw brave men die at Vera Cruz. And then Gettysburg. Thousands of them in the blink of an eye.

[Crying]

Miles: But not me. I couldn't die. Like Little Anna. The influenza took her before she was fifteen. And Bo. He'd be almost eighty now if he were still alive. And my sweet... my sweet young bride. She died in an insame asylum. Old and alone. But I'm still here... I'm still here.

[Unable to say any more, he just cries. We turn to Winnie, who is also crying. The screen fades to black]

Miles: The water tasted like... heaven. It floated over your tongue like a cloud.

Bill: Me and Abby we've been together seven years now.

Miles: Bill, we both know people will settle for something that's better than being alone.

Bill: Great. Is that me?

Miles: I don't know. How should I know?

Bill: Yeah well why should I care about the opinion of a man who doesn't believe in love?

Miles: This trip is like going for a walk with a sick, white Oprah, you would HATE you right now!

James: I need a piss.

Miles: [preparing to help him] Hold up. I'm dying to see James' cock. It's been ages.

Miles: I'm spooked.

Miles: What shall I sing to my lord from my window? What shall I sing for my lord will not stay? What shall I sing for my lord will not listen? Where shall I go when my lord is away? Whom shall I love when the moon is arisen? Gone is my lord and the grave is his prison. What shall I say when my lord comes a calling? What shall I say when he knocks on my door? What shall I say when his feet enter softly? Leaving the marks of his grave on my floor. Enter my lord. Come from your prison. Come from your grave, for the moon is a risen. Welcome, my lord.

Miles: It was only the wind, my dear.

Miles: Give the cassette a break!

Claire: What is that? What are you missing, Miles?

Miles: I don't know. You know, I wake up every morning. And I think about blowing my brains out. And I don't know why.

Miles: You're about to carve into that fellow like he's a Christmas turkey!

Chloe: I took an autopsy class last semester.

Miles: Put down that knife!

Chloe: It's a meat cleaver.

Miles: There's no vote! No democracy! My train is a damn dictatorship, and I'm the damn dictator! So put down that knife, cleaver, or whatever hell you call it - and return to your damn seat! And your damn senses!