Mikey Quotes in Eraser (1996)

Tony Two Toes: There they are. Commie bastards!

Mikey: They're not communists any more, Tony. They're a federation of independent liberated states.

Tony Two Toes: Don't make me hurt you, Mikey.

Tony Two Toes: We're from the local 129th, sonny.

Mikey: We heard you was loading a ship without the assistance of bonefide union labor. Say it ain't so.

Tony Two Toes: [counting the union rep payee envelopes] Hey, Mikey. You're one payment short.

Mikey: Oh, that's Louis. He didn't pay.

Tony Two Toes: He didn't pay? Why?

Mikey: He needed a few extra days to come up with the money, so I told him it was okay.

Tony Two Toes: You going soft on me, Mikey? What exactly did he say?

Johnny C: He said, "Tell that fat fuck, Tony Two Toes, I ain't payin' another dime!"

Tony Two Toes: I know that voice... but it can't be him, unless he's a ghost.

Johnny C: [walks into room] Boo.

Mikey: I'd like to buy the crazy-ass bitch a drink.

Mikey: Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.

Mikey: Goonies never say die!

Andy: I can't tell... if it's an "A sharp" or if it's a "B flat"!

Mikey: Heh, if you hit the wrong note, we'll all "B flat!"

Brandon Walsh: [Rosalita screaming in spanish] What's she saying Mouth? Translate.

Mouth: No pen. No write. No sign!

Mikey: No dad don't sign it!

[Rosalita runs over to Mrs Walsh and pulls out her hand and empties Mikey's marble bag]

Mikey: Dad! Dad! It's my marble bag. The Fratelis forgot to check it. I emptied out all of my marbles and put the jewels in. We don't have to leave the boon docks!

Irving Walsh: [ripping up the foreclosure document] They'll be no more signing today or ever again.

[cheering]

Chunk: [Data comes flying into the house knocking over everyone and Chunk grabs the statue of Michaelangelo's David] Hey! I bet you guys think I was going to drop it huh? I know you would think that from good ol Chunk

[Places the statue on the table and it falls off]

Brandon Walsh: You Idiot!

Mikey: Oh my god!

[runs over and picks up the statue]

Chunk: Look look! It's not broken. It's perfect! Ha ha!

Mikey: [sees that the statue's penis has broken off] Oh my GOD! That's my mom's most favorite piece!

[tries to put it back on]

Chunk: Oh my god.

Mouth: You wouldn't be here if it wasn't.

Mikey: Shut up Mouth!

Brandon Walsh: Shut up Mouth.

Mikey: [to One-Eyed Willie] Hi Willie. Oh, I'm Mike Walsh. You've been expecting me, haven't you? Well I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece... so far.

[lifts up Willie's patch]

Mikey: So... that's why they call you One-Eyed Willie... One-Eyed Willie.

[takes a breath from his breathalizer]

Mikey: We had a long comment, huh, Willie? You know something, Willie? You're the first Goonie.

[the rest of the Goonies show up]

Mikey: Yo. Hi guys. How's it going? This is Willie... One-Eyed Willie. Say hi, Willie. Those are my friends... the Goonies.

[pauses]

Mikey: How long have you guys been standing there?

Brandon Walsh: Long enough, Mikey. Long enough.

Mikey: Let's...

Andy: -get out of...

Richard 'Data' Wang: -here!

Stef: Like now!

[last lines]

Mikey: Bye, Willy. Thanks.

Richard 'Data' Wang: Hey I've got a great idea you guys! Slick shoes!

Mikey, Mouth: [together] Slick shoes? ARE YOU CRAZY?

Andy: DATA!

Francis Fratelli: [Jake tries to push Francis over the log] DON'T PUSH JAKE!

Jake Fratelli: I'm not pushing Francis now hurry up!

Mama Fratelli: [after Francis slips and falls on his crotch] Francis sweetheart are you okay?

Francis Fratelli: [High pitched voice] NOOOOOOO!

[the Goonies are collecting coins from a wishing well]

Stef: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop! You can't do this.

Data: Why?

Mikey: Why?

Stef: Because these are somebody else's wishes. They're somebody else's dreams.

Mouth: Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back.

Andy: Do you think there's really any treasure here?

Mikey: Andy this whole ship is a treasure.

Chunk: Look, how's that? How's that?

Mikey: Oh, you idiot! You glued it on upside down!

Brandon Walsh: You dork! If God made it like that, you'd all be pissing in your faces!

Chunk: Looks fine to me.

[Mikey calls for a bathroom break]

Mikey: Okay, this is the little boys' room, and that cave over there is the little girls' room.

[Brandon heads to a different cave]

Mikey: Brand, where're you going?

Brandon Walsh: This is the *men's* room.

Data: Hey any of you guys ever hear of Detroit?

Mikey: No.

Mouth: Sointenly! Where Motown started. It's also got the highest murder rate in the country.

Data: Well, let me tell you what. That's where we're going when we lose the house tomorrow.

Mikey: You shut up about that stuff, it'll never happen. My dad will fix it.

Brandon Walsh: Yeah sure he will. If he gets his next 400 paychecks by tommorrow afternoon.

Mikey: That's wrong Brand! It won't happen.

Chunk: Listen, okay? You guys'll never believe me. There was two cop cars, okay? And they were chasing this four-wheel deal, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!

Mikey: More amazing than the time Michael Jackson come over to your house to use the bathroom.

Brandon Walsh: More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?

Mouth: Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather's pizza, right?

Chunk: Okay, Brand. Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.

Mikey: [to Andy after she hits a wrong note on the piano] It's OK, you're a Goonie and Goonies always make mistakes... just don't make any more.

Mikey: Sorry, Dad, we had our hands on the future, but we gave it up just to save our own lives.

Chunk: whats all the stuff in the attic?

Mikey: It has something to do with my dad being the assistant curly, curny.

Brandon Walsh: [smacking Mikey on the back of the head] Curator.

Mikey: That's what I said.

Harriet Walsh: [Sirens wailing] Where are my boys?

Harriet Walsh, Irving Walsh: Mikey? Brand?

Mikey: Hi mom. Hi dad. I guess we're in big shit now right?

Chunk: Mikey, Mikey, come on, our parents are worried. It's dinnertime. Why don't we go home?

Mikey: Home? What home? In a couple more hours, it ain't gonna be home anymore. Come on, guys, this is our time. Our last chance to see if there really is any rich stuff. We've got to.

Mama Fratelli: Four waters. Is that all?

Mouth, Mikey: [everyone else says yes]

Mouth: No! I want the veal scalopini.

Mikey: Shut up Mouth.

Mouth: I want a good fettucini alfredo. I want a bottle of fettucine, a 1981.

Mouth: [makes a kissing sound with his fingers]

Mama Fratelli: [grabs Mouth by the chin and puts a knife to his tongue] The only thing we serve is tongue. Do you boys like tongue?

[laughes]

Mouth, Mikey: [others say no]

Mama Fratelli: That's all? Sit down!

Stef: [Seeing a cannon ball rolling around a track] What the hell is that?

Mikey: It's another one of Willy's tricks. Get out of the way!

Chunk: [with potato chips in his mouth] You think your Mom's gonna notice?

Mikey: What?

Chunk: [more clearly] Do you think your Mom is going to notice? Notice that the statue's penis is missing.

Mikey: I wonder if she'll notice.

Chunk: That's what I said!

Mikey: Well, of course she'll notice. She notices everything.

Mikey: What are you doing? It took him 376 lawn jobs to get that bike! That's his most favorite thing in the world!

Mouth: Now it's his most flattest thing in the world. Let's go!

[while trying to escape the crumbling cave]

Mikey: What about the loot?

Brandon Walsh: What about our lives?

Richard 'Data' Wang: [Falls through to ship's hold; group of Goonies ask if he's okay] Data's okay! Data's quite tired of falling and Data's tired of skeletons!

Brandon Walsh: Why didn't you use the stairs?

Richard 'Data' Wang: Use the stairs! Stairs! The stupid guys tell me to use the stairs when Data's falling. If Data's hurt, nobody cares anymore...

Mikey: [walks down the stairs] Data's okay...

Richard 'Data' Wang: Then some guy tells me I have stupid inventions. I've been spending months and months studying on them and inventing them. God!

Mikey: It was a retropactum!

Brandon Walsh: Retrospective!

Mikey: See! That's what I said! You always contradict me... I know what I was saying. It was on the history of Astoria and these are the rejects!

Chunk: Kinda like us... Mikey. The Goonies.

Mouth: I'm not a reject!

Mikey: Take that stuff off, you'll get me in trouble

Mikey: [the kids are arguing] Stop! We've got to get to the lowest point of the floor.

Brandon Walsh: Lowest point nothing, Mikey. Now let's go!

Mikey: I swear on my life! They've got an... an 'IT!' A giant 'IT!' When it came into the light it was all gross and distorted, and, and...

Brandon Walsh: Yeah, kinda like your brain, right lame-o? Say goodbye to your little pals.

Stef: [they hear a deep growling sound coming from behind a large, metal door] ... Chunk, I hope that was your stomach.

Mikey: No. That's the 'It.'

Chunk: Sounds like Kong.

[after listing prices of cars bought and sold]

Harry Wormwood: What was my profit for the day?

Mikey: Could you repeat the last one?

Matilda: [interrupting] $10,265.

[long pause]

Matilda: Check it if you don't believe me.

Harry Wormwood: [he, Zinnia, and Mikey glance at the paper, then at Matilda] You're a little cheat, you saw the paper.

Matilda: From all the way over here?

Harry Wormwood: [suspicious] Are you being smart with me? If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're going to be punished.

Matilda: Punished for being smart?

Harry Wormwood: For being a smart aleck! When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson!

Matilda: Person?

Harry Wormwood: Get up, get up...

Narrator: Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use. He had meant to say, "When a child is bad." Instead he said, "When a person is bad", and thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserved it, of course.

Mikey: Which one of you divas uses self-tanner?

Daniel: I do, why?

[Mikey walks out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel]

Mikey: Because I beat off with it last night.

Daniel: Why... why didn't you even read the bottle?

Mikey: I was a little drunk.

Jason, Daniel: What?

Mikey: My shit is orange.

[Mikey opens towel]

Jason: Oh!

Mikey: Look at this!

Daniel: Oh my God!

Jason: Oh no!

Daniel: Who knew that could even happen to you? I didn't know you could change colors.

Mikey: Stop.

Jason: Your dick looks like a yam.

Daniel: Your dick looks like a traffic cone.

Mikey: Just stop.

Daniel: Your dick looks like a can of cheddar Pringles.

Mikey: That's fucked up.

Jason: Your dick looks like Spike Lee at a Knicks game.

Daniel: If your dick was jumping over the river, it would be the General Lee.

[Takes a sip out of his mug and spits it out in a fit of laughter]

Jason, Daniel: [Both succumb to built up laughter]

Jerry Anderson: I've jerked off three times since lunch. I still got this fucking hard-on.

Mikey: Way to go, Mr. Anderson. Two more and you break the company record.

[the moment he's born]

Mikey: Put me back in! Put me back in!

James: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Mikey: Yeah. Lunch!

Mollie: So you're the one who was kicking me.

Mikey: Well, you're the one who ate all that spicy food.

[Mikey says Daddy]

James: He- he said Daddy!

Mollie: I think he called you Daddy.

Mikey: [sarcastically] No, I'm talking to hear myself say it!

Mikey: Help! Help! Somebody burp me before I blow up!

Mollie: [referring to Albert] We're gonna go see Daddy today!

Mikey: [misunderstanding] Oh great, I was just thinking about James.

Mollie: You HAVE to look fantastic.

[holds up two baby outfits]

Mollie: Which do you think, the blue or the lamb?

Mikey: Well, neither - they both look pretty lame.

Mollie: The lamb, right?

Mikey: Not "lamb." "LAME."

James: Mind if I borrow some of this?

[takes Mikey's bottle and pours the milk into his coffee cup]

James: Thank a lot, man.

[drinks coffee]

Mollie: Hey, you know, that's breast milk.

James: [spits out coffee] Really, now?

[turns to Mikey]

James: Why didn't you tell me?

Mikey: Hey, man, you're on your own.

Mollie: I'm sorry that I made you wear that stupid outfit, and I'm sorry that you had to meet that MEAN MAN. You'll never have to see him again. You know what I don't get? Every time I take you somewhere, everyone says how cute you are, and how crazy they are about you?

Mikey: Naturally.

Mollie: Then, the one person who has the genetic bondage treats you like a jerk. Here, let me dry it now. Everyone loves you. All the kids at the playground love you, Ma loves you, Rona loves you, everybody at work loves you, James loves you... Mikey, do you love James?

[Mikey picks up a toy telephone]

Mikey: Give him a call.

Mollie: What, honey? You want to play telephone?

Mikey: Call him.

Mikey: I don't get it. I just don't get it. And, I don't like it. Where'd I go wrong?

[immediately after being born]

Mikey: This has got to be the weirdest day of my life... well, so far.

Mikey: How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Sand Box Baby: How many?

Mikey: What's a light bulb?

[both burst out laughing]

[James and Molly kiss]

Mikey: Boy, I hope they don't get stuck together like that.

Mikey: [after Mikey's grandmother has been talking nonsense baby talk to him] Oh, yeah. She's gone.

Mikey: [gazing at Carrie's chest] Wait a minute. These things come in different sizes? What are these, jumbos?

Mikey: Is that a new hat, or is it time to change the bandage?

Rosie: Who's got a wet tushie?

Mikey: I give up.

Rosie: [hopping over to the nursery to change him] Tushie tushie tushie tushie.

Mikey: What a dick.

James: I see you staring at that. You must be thinking the same way i am.

Mikey: Lunch.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Where's Frankie?

Mikey: [Distracted from reading] Frankie's not coming till later. I'm your trainer, Mikey.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [looking at a fat man] You can't be my trainer. Maybe I believe you ATE my trainer

Mikey: [Knowing he's been insulted] Nice.

Mollie Ubriacco: Mommy is a girl, so I don't have a penis.

James Ubriacco: But she's got some set of balls.

Mollie Ubriacco: But Daddy is a big...

Mikey: Penis!

Mikey: Got you a gift for coming into the world, here it is,

[offers her a stuffed cow]

Mikey: Have a cow, honey.

[Julie begins to bawl]

Mikey: Alright don't have a cow.

Mikey: Poor Daddy, hanging out with buttholes all day long.

Mikey: [Mollie's boss is yelling at her, Mikey under the desk pours white-out on his shoes] Here shoes, have a drink. You mess with my mother, you mess with me.

Mollie Ubriacco: [Mikey and Julie come down on the elvator] How did you get down here?

Mikey: We just walked.

Julie: Technically, I was pushed.

[Mikey is learning the difference between men and women]

Mikey: [Is shown a picture of a man] Penis.

[Is shown a picture of a woman]

Mikey: No penis.

[Is shown a picture of George Bush]

Mikey: [Thinking] Hmm, that's a tough one.

Mikey: I don't care what you say, I'm not pooping in that thing. I've got my standards.

Mikey: Eddie what ya say we go and get an apple juice?

Eddie: Nah Mike I'm into my little training thing

Mikey: What kinda training thing?

Eddie: You know I'm wearing the trainin pants man

Mikey: Oh man, don't tell me you're goin along with this potty business too?

Eddie: We have to Mike cos the Toilet man says so

Mikey: Who?

Eddie: Mr Toilet man, he likes to eat your doody an your pee-pee. So I say give it to him

Mikey: Eat your doody and your pee-pee who told you that?

Eddie: My mother, why? You callin her a liar?

Mikey: No

Eddie: She told me diapers are for babies

Mikey: But eat your doody and your pee-pee? Eddie the thought is too hideous to comprehend

James Ubriacco: When you wanna take a pee-pee okay you do it in here and you just do this, you take it out

[Pretends to unzip his fly]

Mollie Ubriacco: Oh come on

James Ubriacco: What?

Mikey: Dad, who's kidding who huh?

James Ubriacco: And the same token, when you wanna take a dump

Mollie Ubriacco: Poo-poo

Mikey: This is a joke right?

James Ubriacco: I know it sounds disgusting Mike but you know you gotta trust me on this okay

Mikey: Let me get this straight you want me to take a dump outside my diaper?

Mikey: [thinking] Hmm, Eddie gets all the girls, he's not wearing a diaper maybe I oughta give this potty thing a try.

[Jumping and singing]

Mikey: When you have to pee you jump up and down but sometimes nothing comes out. So you jump up and down a little more. I don't have to pee... I don't have to pee... I do have to pee and I better go somewhere, here I go...

[Realises he's wet himself]

Mikey: That stuff really sneaks up on you!

Mikey: [Pouring white-out on his mother's supervisor's shoes] La la la la la. Here, shoes, have a drink.

Julie: [when Julie is getting an injection, looking at the needle] What's that?

Mikey: Oh, God, I can't watch this part.

Julie: Oh my God!

[cries hysterically]

Julie: .

Mikey: Smarts, does it? Hm? Hurts just a little?

Julie: Will this pain *ever* go away?

Mikey: Maybe it will... or maybe it won't

[smiles]

Mikey: .

Oona: I don't have what I want! And I know what you're thinking, that it's moot, that I've already zeroed out, that we already know who my supposed one is, that it's too late, and there's no going back, and it's a pointless gesture, right? That's what you're thinking, right?

Mikey: No, I'm wondering if moot is a real word.

Mikey: If I'm a pussy, I'm about to have the best lesbian sex of my life in there.

Oona: What time do you get off?

Mikey: What?

Oona: Do you want me to repeat it?

Mikey: Yes, into the loudspeaker, if you don't mind.

Oona: Believe me when I tell you, this is your one shot, so make it count.

Mikey: Now, now, I get off now...

Mikey: Is there a scar?

Oona: There will be. You scarred me.

Mikey: But in a good way.

Oona: In a good way.

Maria: [after Cool Cat was chasing Butch] That was so brave, you are our hero, Cool Cat.

Mikey: Yeah, that was groovy. You were just like in the movies. They should make a kids movie about you.

Maria: We'll name it "Cool Cat Saves The Kids".

Cool Cat: That's a cool idea. And a great name for a movie.

Mikey: An order of fries and fresh horses for my men!

Bex: Well you can celebrate your own divorce with him!

[tries to pull her wedding ring off, but it won't budge]

Mikey: Yeah, I thought you'd react like that, so I glued your ring on while you were asleep!

Mikey: Now you decide to shoot something, you fucking monkey's arse ring!

Sergeant Gavin Wright: I had one bullet left. I was saving it for when I really needed it.

Mikey: You're still a twat!

Mikey: Excuse me, is this chair being used?

Snotty Man: Does it look like it's being used?

Mikey: "Does it look like it's being used?" That's a good one.

[Mikey picks up the chair and smashes the man with it]

Mikey: Now it's being used.

Mikey: You wanna go see a show? We should go see "Cats"...that's a good show!

Mikey: Let's see... I did two tours of duty in southeast Asia and I was married for five years. I couldn't tell you which experience was worse. I knew she was Japanese going in, but she didn't tell me about the Ninja assassin part.

[first lines]

Cliff: [cataloging the flora] We got cenizo, that's purple sage, agave, nopal... What's that stuff? Yeah that's it, that's whatchamacallit. That's horse crippler.

Mikey: This place is a gold mine.

Cliff: Lead mine.

Mikey: Hey, Cliff!

Cliff: What'd you find? Pieces of eight? Relics from the Coronado expedition?

Mikey: Cliff, come here!

[Cliff comes over and sees a half-buried skeleton in the ground]

Cliff: Jesus...

[Mikey lifts a ring out of the ground]

Mikey: Was Coronado in the Masons?

[on Col. Payne, their new C.O]

Mikey: Man cracks walnuts with his asshole.

Doris Zander: Wanna hear something cool?

Mikey: Sure.

Doris Zander: Do you know what it feels like to be strangled to death? First, you feel the pressure in your throat. Your eyes water, and you start to taste something very, very sour in your mouth. Then it's like someone lights a match right in the middle of your chest, and that fire grows. It fills your lungs, and your throat, and all the way behind your eyes. And finally, that fire turns to ice; like pins and needles of ice are sticking into your fingers, your toes, your arms. You see stars, then darkness. And the last thing you feel... is cold.

[Mikey looks confused and horrified]

Doris Zander: [smiles] Goodnight, Romeo.

Mikey: So how many cases can we get?

Spitz: Three cases. Any more and I think old Mr. Casy would-ah-know something's up, but we gotta get going, shift changes pretty soon. You gonna pull around back or should we both get busted out front?

Mikey: You know, dead people aren't the ones to be scared of, living people are.

[David is in a hot tub with a radio right next to it.]

Mikey: Life is full of accidents.

David: What are you talking about?

Mikey: The radio... it's not safe.

David: Why not?

[Mikey kicks the radio in the hot tub. David gets electrocuted.]

Mikey: They can kill you.

Mikey: Hello, are you going to be my new mommy and daddy?

Mikey: Miss Gilder you're the best teacher I've ever had, but there is one thing you never taught me.

Shawn Gilder: And what is that?

Mikey: How to die!

[Shoots her in the head with a ball bearing fired from a slingshot]

Mikey: You're my sister. You're supposed to be on my side!

Jorge: Come on, what do you want, some Halloween balloons, or a hot night with me?

Mikey: Balloons will last longer.

Jorge: I last a long time too.