Mike Chadway Quotes in The Ugly Truth (2009)

Mike Chadway: [sarcasticly] Oh, I know, I've got a great idea! Why don't we pass the time with you telling me how much *fun* you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?

Abby Richter: I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass!

Mike Chadway: What?

Abby Richter: Oh, oh yeah, that's got your interest. Well if you think we're going to finish what we started in L. A. you are out of your mind. You lost your chance.

Mike Chadway: Oh, c'mon, I never had a chance with you.

Abby Richter: You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgement when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't. Clearly.

Mike Chadway: Oh, yeah? Well what does that mean?

Abby Richter: [mockingly] I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jello. I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love. It's scary.

Mike Chadway: Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying. Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.

Abby Richter: I am not a psycho!

Mike Chadway: I just told you that I loved you and all you heard was "psycho." Well you're the definition of neurotic.

Abby Richter: No! The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and, and physical ailments without any objective evidence of...

Mike Chadway: Shut up! Yet again I just told you I'm in love with you and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.

Abby Richter: You're in love with me. Why?

Mike Chadway: Beats the shit out of me, but I am.

[she leans over and kisses him]

Mike Chadway: Rule #3, men are very visual. We have to change your look.

Abby Richter: What's wrong with my look?

Mike Chadway: [From red band clip] Abby, you're a very attractive woman, but you're completely inaccessible. You're all about comfort and efficiency!

Abby Richter: What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?

Mike Chadway: Well nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.

Mike Chadway: I want to thank you for getting me this gig, I would never have gotten it without you. You and I? We make good TV.

Mike Chadway: *YOU* make imbecillic trash watched by house-bound inbreds who are so busy with their hands down their pants they can't change the remote.

Mike Chadway: I, I hadn't really been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.

Abby Richter: I do not watch your program. My cat stepped on the remote.

Mike Chadway: Well, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?

Mike Chadway: [to Abby, on how to attract Colin] You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.

Mike Chadway: Now, we have to teach you flirting.

Abby Richter: I know how to flirt.

Mike Chadway: You know how to flirt. "Oh, my name's Abby and I love reading Tolstoy. I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics." I don't think so.

Abby Richter: [grabs Mike's ass, imitating his voice] Hey baby, you wearing any underwear?

Mike Chadway: Hey, you know what? I wouldn't say that, and I wouldn't grab ass.

Abby Richter: [still imitating him] What's wrong with a little ass grabbing, I mean what's it there for if not for me to grab it?

[Mike feigns a groan]

Abby Richter: You're just a set of orifices, and a pair of tee-ta's.

[she squeezes Mike's ass tightly which makes him jokingly wince in pain]

Mike Chadway: And you are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.

Abby Richter: [normal voice] Hmm, maybe I'm just a really good student.

[Runs her hand down his chest and upper body]

Mike Chadway: Would you stop doing that?

Abby Richter: Doing what?

[still running her finger up and down his body]

Mike Chadway: Running your finger down... there... over me.

Abby Richter: Why, is it turning you on?

Mike Chadway: [forces a laugh as if to say "yeah right"] Maybe.

Abby Richter: [seductively] It's weird, I think I kinda like it.

Mike Chadway: Really?

Abby Richter: [leaning in, her face almost touching his] Sucker.

Mike Chadway: [annoyed] I knew it. Okay, no teaching the teacher.

Mike Chadway: Rule #4: Never talk about your problems 'cause men don't really listen or care.

Abby Richter: Some men care!

Mike Chadway: No, some men pretend to care. When we ask how you're doing, it's just guy code for "let me stick my dick in your ass".

Abby Richter: OOH!

Mike Chadway: Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he's a guy. If he's even remotely into you he's probably thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times.

Abby Richter: I love how you assume all men are perverse as you are!

Mike Chadway: Oh, I don't assume. I know.

Abby Richter: Tell me about the doozy. You know, the woman who broke your heart.

Mike Chadway: You are just totally trying to kill my buzz.

Abby Richter: No, I'm not. I'm just interested in what makes you you.

Mike Chadway: Well, for your information, it was more than just one. It was more like a parade. Codependent girls, unfaithful girls, depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls. Girls who, it turned out, didn't actually like me. By the time I hit 30, I realized that you can only have so many lousy relationships before you figure out there's no such thing as a good one.

Abby Richter: You can't really believe there's no such thing as a good relationship.

Mike Chadway: To my very core.

Mike Chadway: Yea, it is scary. It's terrifying. Especially when I am in love with a psycho like you.

Abby Richter: I am not a psycho!

Mike Chadway: I just told you that I loved you, and all you heard was 'psycho'. The definition of neurotic!

Abby Richter: The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical ailments without any objective evidence of...

Mike Chadway: Shut up! Yet again, I just told you I am in love with you and you are standing here giving me a vocabulary list.

Colin: [Abby is on a date with Colin. Mike is relaying instructions to her via an earpiece] I'm used to women I can figure out in five seconds, but I can't do that with you.

Mike Chadway: [to Abby via earpiece] He's an idiot. I figured you out in two. Now tell him good night and stick your tits out, we're going to give this one last shot.

Mike Chadway: So there you have it. Never assume a girl is easy or assume she's a prude. There are many layers in between, and it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with.

Joy: That sounded almost enlightened.

Mike Chadway: Because once you do peel back those layers, my friends, her lady garden awaits.

Joy: And he's back.

Abby Richter: I love how you think every man is as perverse as you are.

Mike Chadway: Oh, I don't think. I know.

Mike Chadway: He'll call back in five seconds. Now, come on.

Abby Richter: What are you, Nostradamus?

[phone rings]

Abby Richter: Amazing!

Abby Richter: [gushing about Colin] He's such a great guy, right?

Mike Chadway: [sarcastically] Yeah, he's dreamy.

Abby Richter: Yeah, and he fits all 10 of the criteria on my checklist.

Mike Chadway: Right, though weren't items 1 through 9 something to do with him pretty much being gay?

Mike Chadway: It's not for you, it's for your bean.

Mike Chadway: [about Colin] I'm going to make this guy your bitch.

Abby Richter: I don't want a bitch.