Mike Quotes in King Kong (2005)

Carl Denham: Oh! Ann, this is... uh... Ann?

Ann Darrow: That's all right Mr. Denham. I know who this is. Thrilled to meet you. It's an honor to be a part of this.

[shakes hands with Mike]

Mike: [confused] Gee, thanks.

Ann Darrow: Actually, I'm quite familiar with your work.

Mike: [very confused] Really?

Ann Darrow: Yes, and what I most admire is the way you've captured the voice of the common people.

Mike: [smiling now] Well, uh, that's my job.

Ann Darrow: I'm sure you've heard this before, Mr. Driscoll, if you don't mind me saying, but, you don't look at all like your photograph.

[Jack Driscoll looks over]

Mike: [smile disappears] I'm sorry...

Carl Denham: Wait a minute, Ann.

Ann Darrow: [to Carl] He's so much younger in person. And much better looking.

Carl Denham: [as Jack approaches Ann from behind] Ann, stop. Stop right there.

Ann Darrow: [to Mike again] You see. I was just afraid that you might be one of those self-obsessed, literary types.

Mike: I'm sorry. I'm not...

Ann Darrow: You know, the tweedy twerp with his nose in his book and his head up his a...

[Jack snaps his book shut just behind her head. She turns around]

Jack Driscoll: It's nice to meet you too, Miss Darrow.

Brad: [to Mike] You're such a loser!

[nearby Daryl sighs; remembering the incident with the street gang on the subway train earlier]

Daryl: Here we go again.

Brad: I can only dream about having somebody like Chris as a girlfriend, but you've got her, and you treat her like this?

Mike: Don't waste your time, half pint. Her legs are locked together at the knee.

Brad: [grabs him by the collar] I'd love to hit you. I'd love to pound on your face!

Mike: [taunting] Yeah? Go ahead.

Brad: But I won't. You're so slimy, I won't sink to your level.

Daryl: I will.

[Daryl kicks Mike]

Mike: Girls like you come along once in a lifetime.

Chris: He's with Sesame Plexer! Oooh! She's such a sleeze!

Daryl: He dumps you for some easy chick, and you get a night of hell. That doesn't seem very fair to me.

Chris: Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Daryl: This, I gotta see.

Mike: You know, Ses. Girls like you come along once in a lifetime.

Chris: Or twice in one night.

Mike: Oh wow.

Chris: How's your sister? Is she all better? You lied.

Mike: No, I didn't!

Chris: [Yelling] Don't lie!

Mike: Get a grip! Jesus!

Mike: No one's going to believe me, cause I'm a kid, and they never listen to kids.

Mike: Take these, you'll need them.

Chris McCormick: Perfume?

Mike: Well, spiders have a highly developed sense of smell. The perfume might confuse them.

Harlan: Great, if we die, we die smelling nice.

Mike: Mom, are you there?

Sheriff Sam Parker: Yea, Mike. Is everything okay?

Mike: Don't make any movements or noises. There's a giant tarantula headed your way.

Sheriff Sam Parker: Copy that.

Louis: Faster James! We're losing them!

James: I got it to the floor, Lewis!

Mike: [James gets pulled over. The cop gets out of his car, turns on his flashlight and walks towards the driver's side of the truck] Well, well! Lookie what we got!

[looks to Jeff standing at the back of the truck]

James: I am in no mood for this Mike! Just go ahead snd write the damn ticket so we can all move on with our lives!

Mike: Well, that might be such an easy thing to do there, Jimbo. See, you were doing 75 in a 35. And you ran a red light. That's wreckless driving as far as I'm concerned!

[shines the flashlight in the cab]

Mike: Who else you got with ya there, Jimbo?

[sees the gagged pizza man]

Mike: What the hell is going on here?

James: Heh, heh, heh... you're, you're never gonna believe this Mike! Heh, heh heh... I'm totally flattered, I can't even come up with a good lie!

Mike: Heh heh heh! What'd I tell you, James? I knew you were crooked! And I knew I'd catch up to you sooner or later!

[draws his gun]

Mike: All right, everyone of the vehicle right now!

Dog: [Morning rises on Mike and Jeff still in their underwear, Mike still bent over Jeff, handcuffed to the merry-go-round. A dog walks up to the awkard pair and cocks his head]

Mike: Hey, it's not what it looks like. We're respectable peace officers.

Dog: Bark!

Jeff, Cop: See, it's all, one great big, funny mix-up...

Dog: [dog goes over next to the merry-go-round, heists his leg, and pees, which hits Mike and Jeff]

Mike: Ugh! No!

Jeff, Cop: No!

Mike: Shoo!

Jeff, Cop: Shoo!

Mike: Shoo!

Jeff, Cop: Shoo!

Dog: [the dog trots off]

Mike: Give me the gun.

Tony: I'm serious! You know I'm a terrible shot. I could easily aim at your head and blow your balls off.

Mike: Where do you go so the radiation won't get us?

Waitress: What about Mexico? Or Hawaii! Let's go to Hawaii!

Landa: No tropics!

Mike: Ocean clouds, rain, forget it. Got to be a desert, right? Like the Sahara or the Gobi, fuck the Gobi.

Landa: We're going to Antarctica if it's true.

Mike: Wait a minute, you said desert!

Landa: There's a valley there with zero rainfall, plenty of fresh water in the snow for generations if need be.

[making the list of great minds for Landa]

Waitress: What about Pat Riley?

Mike: Pat Riley? Come on!

Waitress: She's a leader. My cousin knows...

Mike: J-just write down what I say, okay? We're talking Mensa.

Waitress: [writing down] Mensa.

Mike: That's not a person, that's an organization. People like Linus Pauling. Write this down. Jane and Tom. And Harry Belafonte.

Waitress: Ah, what about Joyce Brothers? She's smart.

Mike: [shouts] Fuck Joyce Brothers! Danny Berrigan, and his brother. Bobby Seale. Dick Gregory.

Waitress: You have these people's phone numbers?

Fred the Cook: Landa, you said we had to strike FIRST if it ever came down to it, remember you told me that? Do you remember?

Landa: I remember, Fred.

Fred the Cook: Preemptive first strike!

Mike: Shit!

Waitress: They have to evacuate us first, don't they?

Mike: You tell me where to! When was the last time they told you what to do incase. There's no plan!

Mike: That Thor Arthur thing meant something to you, I know it did. Is that the code for it?

Landa: It's possible.

Harlan: How the hell would you know, lady?

Landa: Because I used to date a guy who worked at the RAND Corporation. I've been trying to reach a few of our friends who could tell me if the unthinkable is being thought about in D.C. At this very moment, 4 out of 5 of them are in transit to the extreme Southern Hemisphere. I find that more than just very curious.

Mike: So what do we do?

Landa: We have less than 46 minutes until we'll know, and then everyone will. I'd like a head start. The streets will be jammed. I'm ready to make a commitment to getting to the airport as fast as possible, flying out from there.

Waitress: Why would we be at war? There's no big crisis anywhere.

Mike: Not that we know about! There's never a good enough reason why.

[Mike & Liz are in the back of a hearse after escaping the mortuary & the Tall Man. Reggie has just been attacked by Alchemy in the hearse's front & thrown out of the car]

Mike: One minute... we're gonna wake up. This is only a dream.

Liz: That's right... it's only a dream!

[the barrier to the hearse front suddenly slides down. The Tall Man is sitting at the wheel and glaring back at them]

The Tall Man: No! It's not!

[the back window breaks, and Mike & Liz are pulled out by the Tall Man's dwarf zombies]

Mike: I want to stop him.

Reggie: The Tall Man? That story about me blowing up my own house because it was infested with midgets. Mike, that wasn't real. Your doctor said that it was your own paranoid delusions caused by your brother's death.

[the Tall Man is planning to inject Liz with embalming fluid, which Reggie has spiked with acid]

Mike: Hey!

[the Tall Man glances up]

Mike: Suck on this!

[Mike releases a captured silver sphere, which flies directly to the Tall Man's head and inserts a drill into the front of his skull. A yellowish fluid flies from the back of the sphere, but after it stops, the Tall Man rips the sphere from his head & crushes it like a beer can]

Mike: [cops are coming] Let's get out of here, Blues!

Heavenly Blues: There's nowhere to go.

Pat: I think you're going about it the wrong way. That can't be a way to change a diaper.

Mike: Why not?

Pat: You'll have him peein' backwards.

Mike: How do you pee backwards?

Pat: Easy, you have the stove pipe pointed in the wrong direction.

Pat: You think Little Buck's gonna like this?

Mike: Sure, why not?

Pat: Do you think it's his color?

Mike: Which one?

Pat: Really.

Rebel: [sitting in the garage with Mike's trashed Falcon] Gimme a go, Mike... let me fix your car for you.

Mike: [knowing he can't afford to pay Rebel] Mmm, couldn't do that, mate.

Rebel: No, I mean really fix it... make her fly! She's a 351, right? I've got some nitrous oxide injection 'round that's a sweet sensation.

Cashier: Can I help you?

Robber #1 with gun: Sure!

[Pulls out a gun]

Robber #1 with gun: Your money!

Little Boy: Hey, I just wanna pay for this!

[Puts a coke on the desk]

Robber #1 with gun: It's on the house, kid!

[Pushes the kid over, so he slides and lands in front of Nick DiMarco]

Little Boy: Ow.

Nick DiMarco: Hey buddy, you okay?

[the kid nods]

Nick DiMarco: You sure?

Robber #1 with gun: [to the cashier] Money!

Nick DiMarco: [to the robbers] So... do I get mine on the house too?

Robber #1 with gun: No way asshole! You gotta pay!

Nick DiMarco: Now that's not fair. You gave the kid his for free... or maybe you're just too much of a chicken-shit to pick on someone your own size?

Robber #2 with knife: He's right, you shouldn't play favors. Okay tough guy, come and get something for free!

Robber #1 with gun: Come on, tough guy!

[Nick swiftly pacifies the robber with the gun]

Robber #2 with knife: SUCK MAH DICK!

[Nick points his gun towards the robbers crotch, after he pulls a knife and comes toward him]

Nick DiMarco: Suck this, jerk-off!

[Mike enters the store, and sees what's been going on]

Mike: Hey come on Nick, we gotta go... what's this?

Nick DiMarco: Just a couple of punks, givin' me a warm-up.

Robber #2 with knife: I'll sue you for police-brutality, pig.

Nick DiMarco: Yeah yeah, shut up.

Mike: We are going to steal Bantor's shuttles... then we make like whores and blow this joint.

Mike: Well, uh, I suppose your other leaders made you a lot of nutty promises. Yeah, like a beer in every hand, or uh, some pot for every cot, well I'm not gonna make you any promises. I am gonna lay some jazz on your mind boy. I'm gonna put some things down about the wild things I have in store for this club.

Angela: I'm telling you, I saw something in the woods!

Eric: It's okay, baby. I believe you.

Jessica: No he doesn't. He's just trying to get lucky.

Angela: It was jet black and huge. On all fours it was still taller than a human.

Jessica: A bear, maybe?

Mike: Or an alien. You're lucky you didn't get probed.

Jessica: Yeah, like that would happen.

Angela: Well, I saw it.

Bella Swan: You know, you're not the only one. My dad's been getting reports down at the station. Something like 5 hikers been killed by a bear, but they can't find the bear.

Angela: Hm.

Eric: Hahahaha. Last time you clowns doubt my girlfriend!

Mike: So listen... Now that you're talking again... And eating... You know

[pokes Bella's stomach]

Mike: You gotta get that protein in there. You know I was just wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with me.

Bella Swan: Yeah... Sure. Yeah I do.

Mike: Okay... We could check out "Love spelled backwards is love" You know, it's a dumb title, but, um, it's a romantic comedy, it's suppose to be...

Bella Swan: No. No romance. Uh, well, how about "Face Punch" You heard of that?

Mike: Well, it's an action movie.

Bella Swan: Yeah, it's perfect. With guns... adrenaline... it's my thing.

Mike: Okay...

Bella Swan: We should get a bunch of people... You guys wanna go see "Face Punch" ?

Eric: Yeah! Hey, Mike, remember we were suppose to watch that? The trailer's all like "* Pew, pew!* Punch his face in"

Jessica: Movie night with Bellllllaaaaaaa

[Rolls eyes]

Jacob Black: So, "Face Punch", huh? You like action movies?

Mike: No, not really.

Jacob Black: I heard it sucks. Bad.

Mike: Hey... Are you even old enough to see this movie? I mean, without adult supervision?

Jacob Black: Right... Yeah. Well, she's buying my ticket for me.

Mike: Right... Okay.

Bella Swan: Well, Jessica bailed and Angela's got the stomach flu so Eric's taking care of her... It's just us three.

Jacob Black: Great...

Mike: Great...

Jacob Black: Tell me something... You like me, right?

[Bella Nods]

Jacob Black: And you think I'm sorta beautiful?

Bella Swan: Jake, please don't do this.

Jacob Black: Why?

Bella Swan: Because you're about to ruin everything. And I need you.

Jacob Black: Well, I've got loads of time. I'm not going to give up.

Bella Swan: I don't want you to. But that's just because I don't want you to go anywhere. It's really selfish. You know, I'm not like a car that you can fix up. I'm never going to run right.

Jacob Black: It's because of him, isn't it? Look, I know what he did to you. But Bella, I would never, ever do that. I won't ever hurt you. I promise. I won't let you down. You can count on me.

Mike: Well, I need to go home. I was feeling sick before the movie, okay?... What? What's your problem?

Jacob Black: You're my problem. Feeling sick? Maybe you need to go to the hospital. Do you want me to put you in the hospital?

Bella Swan: Jake, the movie's over. What are you doing? Jake... You're really hot... You feel like you have a fever. Are you okay?

Jacob Black: I don't know what's happening. I gotta go.

Mike: That dude is weird.

Mike: Okay... I think I'm going to throw up!

Mike: Can I borrow your odorant?

Sulley: Yeah, I got, uh, Smelly Garbage or Old Dumpster.

Mike: You got, uh, Low Tide?

Sulley: No.

Mike: How about Wet Dog?

Sulley: Yep. Stink it up.

Sulley: [is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball] Mike?

Mike: Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.

Sulley: Mike, you don't understand.

Mike: Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.

Sulley: I'm being attacked!

Mike: No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a team. Nothing is more important than our friendship.

[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]

Mike: I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive.

Mike: [Sulley is being strangled] Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am baring my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!

[Throws snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knock him out]

Mike: Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.

[Sully thinks Boo has been crushed into a cube of garbage]

Sulley: [tearfully] I can still hear her little voice.

Boo: [from down the hall] Mike Wazowski!

Mike: Hey, I can hear her too.

Kids: Mike Wazowski!

Mike: How many kids you got in there?

Randall: [Finding out that he caught Mike instead of Boo] Wazowski! Where is it, you little one-eyed cretin?

Mike: Okay, first of all, it's "creetin". If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping ME is gonna help YOU cheat your way to the top.

Randall: [chuckles evilly] You still think this is about that stupid scare record?

Mike: Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled... like that... And now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.

[a Handle Bar is placed down preventing Mike from leaving, and his hands get cuffed on]

Randall: I am about to revolutionize the scaring industry, and when I do, even the great James P. Sullivan will be working of me. First I need to know where the kid is, and you're gonna tell me.

Randall: Cheating? Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in five minutes?

Mike: Ah, I get a time-out?

Randall: Everyone goes to lunch! Which means: the scare floor will be...?

Mike: ...Painted?

Randall: EMPTY! It'll be empty, you idiot! You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up...

[forces Mike's arm up]

Randall: and the little hand is pointing up...

[forces the other arm up]

Randall: the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points down...

[forces Mike's arm down]

Randall: the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?

Mike: Good morning, Roz, my succulent little garden snail. And who will we be scaring today?

Roz: Wazowski! You didn't file your paperwork last night.

Mike: Oh, that darn paperwork! Wouldn't it be easier if it all just blew away?

Roz: Don't let it happen again.

Mike: Yes, well, I'll try to be more careful next time.

Roz: I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always.

Mike: Ooh, she's nuts.

[Mike and Sulley watch a commercial featuring them, but Mike is covered over by the Monsters Inc. logo]

Mike: I can't believe it...

Sulley: Oh, Mike...

Mike: I was on TV. Ha. Did you see me? I'm a natural.

Mike: Roz, my tender, oozing blossom, you're looking fabulous today. Is that a new haircut? Come on, tell me it's a new haircut, isn't it? It's got to be a new haircut. New makeup? You had a lift? You had a tuck? You had something? Something has been inserted in in you that makes you look... Listen, I need a favor. Randall was working late last night out on the scare floor. I really need the key to the door he was using.

Roz: Well, isn't that nice? But guess what? You didn't turn in your paperwork last night.

Mike: He didn't... I... no paperwork?

Roz: This office is now closed.

[closes the window on Mike's fingers]

Mike: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Mike and Sulley at a crosswalk next to a giant monster]

Sulley: Hey, Ted! Good morning!

[Ted clucks; light changes and they cross]

Sulley: See that, Mikey? Ted's walking to work.

Mike: Big deal. Guy takes five steps and he's there.

Celia: Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays but this is the best birthday ever.

[Mike stares lovingly at her]

Celia: What are you looking at?

Mike: I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.

Celia: [shyly] Stop it.

Mike: Your hair was shorter then.

Celia: Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut.

[the snakes in Celia's hair squeal with fear]

Mike: No-no, I like it this length.

[the snakes sigh in relief]

Mike: I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?

Celia: What did you say?

Mike: I said...

[Just then, Sulley's face appears in the window behind Celia]

Mike: Sulley?

Celia: Sulley?

Sulley: Mike, that's not her door.

Mike: What are you talking about? Of course it's her door. It's her door.

Sulley: No. Her door was white and it had flowers on it.

Mike: No. It must've dark last night because this is its door.

[opens the door. A bright light and polka music emanate from the room]

Mike: [to Boo] You hear that? Sounds like fun in there. Well, see ya kid. Send me a postcard. That's Mike Wazowski, care of 22 Mike Wazowsi-You-Got-Your-Life-Back-Lane.

Boo: Mowki Kowski.

Mike: Very good. Now bon voyage. See ya.

[waves a stick in front of Boo as if she were a dog]

Mike: Look at the stick. See the stick?

[throws the stick through the door]

Mike: Go get the stick. Go fetch.

Mike: [as the Scream Extractor approaches] What is that thing? What is that thing? Hey, hey, hey, that thing is moving. I don't like big, moving things that are moving towards me.

[the Scream Extractor comes to a stop, pointing itself directly at Mike]

Randall: Say hello to the Scream Extractor.

Mike: Hello. Hey, where are you going? C'mon, we'll talk! We'll have a latte!

Sulley: Hey, Mike, this might sound crazy but I don't think that kid's dangerous.

Mike: Really? Well, in that case, let's keep it. I always wanted a pet that could kill me.

Henry J. Waternoose: This has gone far enough, James.

Sulley: She's home now. Just leave her alone!

Henry J. Waternoose: I can't do that, James. She's seen too much. You both have.

Sulley: It doesn't have to be this way.

Henry J. Waternoose: I have no choice. Times have changed. Scaring isn't enough anymore.

Sulley: But kidnapping children?

Henry J. Waternoose: I'll kidnap a thousand children before I let this company die, and I'll silence anyone who gets in my way!

[Waternoose knocks Sulley to the ground and lunges at Boo. He instead finds the simulated child]

Voice: Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated...

Henry J. Waternoose: [confused] Huh? But... What?

[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]

Mike: I don't know about you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we?

[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]

Sulley: How can I do this? How could I be so stupid? This could ruin the company.

Mike: The company? Who cares about the company? What about us? That thing is a KILLING MACHINE!

[points at Boo, who is babbling harmlessly]

Mike: I bet it's waiting for us to fall asleep, and then - bam! Oh, we're easy prey, my friend. Easy prey! We're sitting targets!

Mike: Psst, Fungus. Fungus, you like cars? Because I got a really nice car. You let me go, I'll give you... a ride... in the car.

Fungus: I'm sorry, Wazowski, but Randall said I'm not allowed to fraternize with victims of his evil plot.

[Sulley Grabs Fungus from above, Mike looks up overjoyed. In the Next Scene, Randall gets the Scream Extractor working again, only to find Fungus where Mike should be]

Randall: What are you doing? Where's Wazowski?

[Randall turns off the machine as Fungus, now turned white and pale from the Scream Extractor, weakly points out to him]

Mike: Oh, you should have seen the look on Waternoose's face when that wall went up. Woo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. Hey, you all right? Come on, we did it. We got Boo home. Sure, we put the company in the toilet, and, gee, hundreds of people will be out of work now, not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power... but hey, at least we had a few laughs, right?

Sulley: [Having had an idea, from seeing what Boo's laughing could do] Laughs!

Mike: I'm telling you, Big Daddy. You're gonna be seeing this face on TV more often.

Sulley: Yeah, like on "Monstropolis' Most Wanted"?

Mike: Ha, ha, ha. You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.

Sulley: Mike, this isn't Boo's door.

Mike: Boo? What's Boo?

Sulley: That's... what I decided to call her. Is there a problem?

Mike: Sulley, you're not supposed to name it. Once you name it, you start getting attached to it. Now put that thing back where it came from or so help me...

[pauses, realizing that they suddenly have the attention of the entire scare floor]

Mike: Oh, hey. We're rehearsing a - a scene for the upcoming company play called uh, Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me. It's a musical.

[singing]

Mike: Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... so help me, so help me and cut. We're still working on it, it's a work in progress but, hey, we need ushers.

[Sulley's alarm clock clicks, and Mike impersonates the radio announcer]

Mike: Hey, good morning, Monstropolis. It's now five after the hour of 6:00 A.M. in the big monster city. Temperature's a balmy 65 degrees, which is good news for you reptiles, and it looks like it's gonna be a perfect day to maybe, hey, just lie in bed, sleep in, or simply... Work out that flab that's hanging over the bed! Get up, Sulley!

[honks a horn right in Sulley's face; Sulley wakes up and screams, then starts working out]

Sulley: I don't believe I ordered a wake-up call, Mikey.

Mike: Hey, less talk, more pain, marshmellow boy!

Roz: Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?

Mike: Well, as a matter of fact...

Roz: Then I'm sure you filed your paperwork correctly, for once.

[Mike smiles innocently]

Roz: Your stunned silence is very reassuring.

Mike: Look at the big jerk. He ruined my life, and for what? A STUPID KID! Because of you, I am stuck in this frozen wasteland!

Yeti: Wasteland? I think you mean "Wonderland"! I mean, how about all this fabulous snow, huh? Oh, and wait until you see the local village, cutest thing in the world. I haven't mentioned all the free yak's milk.

Sulley: Wh... What did you say?

Yeti: Yak's milk. Milking a yak isn't exactly a picnic; but once you pick the hairs out, it's very nutritious.

Sulley: No, No. Something about a Village. Are there any Kids there?

Yeti: Oh, sure. Tough kids, sissy kids, kids who climb on rocks...

Sulley: Where is it?

Yeti: Bottom of the Mountain. A 3 Day hike from here.

Sulley: 3 Days? We need to get there NOW.

[Sulley bangs his fists against the wall in Frustration. A fallen icicle rolls over to a Toboggan and Lantern over in the corner, which could help him get down the mountain quickly]

Yeti: You wanna go to the village? Okay, rule number one out here: Always... no, Never go out in a blizzard.

Sulley: We need to get to Boo.

[a snowcone gets thrown at Sulley from off-screen. The Yeti points at Mike]

Mike: Boo? What about us?

[Throws another snowcone]

Mike: Ever since that kid came in, you've ignored everything I've said, and now look where we are!

[Throws another snowcone]

Mike: Oh, we were about to break the record, Sulley. We would've had it made!

Sulley: None of that matters now.

Mike: None of it matters?

[Drops the snowcone he was about to throw onto the floor]

Mike: Wa-wait a second. None of it matters? Oh, okay, that's - no. Good. Great. So now the truth comes out, doesn't it?

Yeti: Oh, would you look at that? We're out of snowcones. Let me... just go outside and make some more.

[Leaves]

Mike: Sulley, what about everything we ever worked for? Does that matter? Huh? What about Celia? I am never... never gonna see her again. Doesn't that matter? What about me? I'm your pal, I'm-I'm your best friend. Don't I matter?

Sulley: I'm sorry, Mike. I'm sorry we're stuck out here. I didn't mean all this to happen. But Boo's in trouble. I think there might be a way to save her if we can just get down to that...

Mike: We? Whoa, whoa. We? No. There's no we this time, pal. If-if-if you wanna go out there and freeze to death, you be my guest, because you're on your own.

Celia: So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?

Mike: I-I just got us into a little place called, um... Harryhausen's.

Celia: Harryhausen's? But it's impossible to get a reservation there.

Mike: Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.

Celia: Okay, sweetheart.

Mike: Think romantical thoughts.

[singing]

Mike: You and me, me and you, both of us together!

Yeti: Abominable. Can you believe that? Do I look abominable to you? Why can't they call me the Adorable Snowman, or the Agreeable Snowman, for crying out loud? I'm a nice guy. Snow cone?

Mike: Yuck.

Yeti: No, no, no, don't worry. It's lemon. How about you Big Fella? Snow cone?

Sulley: [Feeling sad after accidentally Scaring Boo at the Scare Simulator] Did you see the way she looked at me?

Mike: Get out of here. You're ruining everything.

Sulley: I went back to get your paperwork and there was a door.

Mike: What? A door?

Sulley: Randall was in it.

Mike: Wait a minute, Randall? That cheater! He's trying to boost his numbers.

Sulley: There's something else.

Mike: What?

Sulley: Ook-lay in the ag-bay.

Mike: What?

Sulley: Look in the bag.

Mike: [the Bag Sulley carried over with Boo inside is missing] What bag?

[Sully goes looking for Boo; Mike tries to talk him out of it]

Mike: Someone else will find the kid. I'll be their problem, not ours. She's out of our hair!

[they bump into an Invisible Randall]

Randall: [Turning Visible again] What are you two doing?

Monster: They're rehearsing a play.

Mike: [singing] She's out of our hair...!

[Mike and Sulley, with the help of Waternoose, are preparing to send Boo home, but a huge metal door is brought out instead of Boo's]

Mike: Sir, that's not her door.

Henry J. Waternoose: I know, I know...

[Suddenly, Randal materializes in front of the door and opens it, which leads out to a Harsh Cold Environment]

Henry J. Waternoose: ...It's yours.

[Waternoose, holding Boo, pushes Mike and Sulley through the door]

Randall: [materializes in front of Mike's locker] WAZOWSKI!

[Mike falls from the chair]

Randall: Well what do you know? It scares little kids and little monsters.

Mike: I wasn't scared, I have allergies

Sulley: Nice job, Mikey. You filled your quota on the first kid of the day.

Mike: You know, only someone with great comedic timing could produce this much energy in one shot.

Sulley: Uh-huh, and the fact that laughter has ten times the energy of scream had nothing to do with it.

Mike: Come on, the coast is clear. Ok, all we have to do is get rid of that thing, so wait here while I get its cardkey.

Sulley: But she can't stay here this is the men's room.

[pause]

Mike: That is the weirdest thing you have ever said. Its fine, it's ok! Look, it loves it here, its dancing with joy!

[Boo needs to 'go' badly and is struggling to hold it in]

Mike: I'll be right back with its door key.

Sulley: [laughs] That's a cute little dance you got. Almost looks like you gotta - Oh.

[from teaser trailer]

Mike: Oh, that's great, blame it on the little guy. How original. He must've read the schedule wrong with his one eye.

Mike: [Spotting Sulley while he's working out] 118. Do you have 119? Do I see 120? Oh, I don't believe it!

Sulley: I'm not even breaking a sweat.

Mike: Not you! Look! The new commercial's on.

[Mike and Sully are caught behind Boo's door]

CDA Agent: This is the CDA. Come out slowly with the child in plain sight.

Mike: [Steping out from behind the door with Boo's costume] Okay, okay! You got us. Here we are, here's the kid. I'm cooperating. But before you take us away, I have one thing to say.

[Takes Boo's sock out of his mouth and throws it at the CDA agents]

Mike: Catch!

CDA Agent: [as the others jump over the guy who gets the sock] 23-19!

[Boo, in disguise, walks up to Mr. Waternoose]

Henry J. Waternoose: Well hello, little one. Where did you come from?

Sulley: Mr. Waternoose.

Henry J. Waternoose: Ah, James. Is this one yours?

Sulley: Ah, actually that's my uh, cousin's sister's daughter, sir.

Mike: Yeah, it's uh, "Bring an Obscure Relative to Work Day".

Henry J. Waternoose: Hmm, must have missed the memo.

Mike: Sulley, what are we doing?

Sulley: We have to get Boo's door and find a station.

Mike: What a plan. Simple, yet insane.

Mike: I think I have a plan here: using mainly spoons, we dig a tunnel under the city and release it into the wild.

Sulley: Spoons?

Mike: That's it, I'm out of ideas. We're closed. Hot air balloon? Too expensive. Giant slingshot? Too conspicuous. Enormous wooden horse? Too Greek.

Mike: Follow the sultry sound of my voice

[Mike and Sully have transported to Hawaii]

Mike: Why couldn't we have been banished here?

Sulley: The power's out. Make her laugh again.

Mike: All right, I got a move here, it'll bring down the house. Up!

[Does a backflip, lands on his crotch]

Sulley: Oh, sorry, she didn't see that.

Mike: What? What'd you do, forget to check if her stupid hood was up, you big dope?

Sulley: Uncle Mike, try not to yell in front of her. You know we still need her to laugh.

Mike: Right. He-he! Hey, Boo! Just kidding. Look!

[Slams the door on his face, making baby noises]

Mike: Funny, right? Huh? With the... These are the jokes, kid.

[Celia is hanging on to Mike while Sulley is dragging him]

Celia: Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on right now, we are through! You hear me? Through!

Mike: Okay, here's the truth. You know that kid they're looking for? Sulley let her in. We tried to get her back, but Waternoose had a secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, and he's tring to kill us.

Celia: You expect me to believe that pack of lies, Mike Wazowski?

Boo: [peeking from Sulley's shoulder] Mike Wazowski!

[Celia screams and lets go]

Mike: She's the one. I'm telling ya, she is the one.

Sulley: I'm happy for you.

Mike: Oh, by the way, thanks for hooking me up with those reservations.

Sulley: No problem. They're under the name Googlie-Bear.

Mike: Thanks, I... you know, that isn't very funny.

Mike: Hello, is this thing on? Hey, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Nice to be here in... your room. Hi, where are you from?

[kid doesn't answer]

Mike: You're in kindergarden, right? I used to love kindergarden. Best three years of my life.

[still no answer]

Mike: Of my life. But I love sports. Dodgeball was the best. I was the fastest one out there. Course, I was the ball. You see, I... was the ball. All right, kid.

[Mike swallows his microphone and after a few seconds burps it out louldy; kid laughs]

Mike: Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

[running from Randall in the door vault, Sulley and Mike's shadows appear behind a Japanese paper screen]

Mike: Come on, it slides, it slides!

Needleman: Hey, Mr. Sullivan!

Sulley: Guys, I told you, call me Sulley.

Smitty: [Giggling] I don't think so.

Needleman: We just wanted to wish you good luck today.

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, get lost, you two. You're making him lose his focus.

Needleman: Oh, sorry.

Sulley: See you later, fellas.

Smitty: Go get 'em, Mr. Sullivan!

Needleman: Quiet! You're making him lose his focus.

Smitty: Oh, no. Sorry!

Needleman: Shut up!

Mike: You know, I am so romantic, sometimes I think I should just marry myself.

Sulley: Give me a break, Mike.

Mike: What a night of romance I got ahead of me. Tonight it's about me and Celia. Ooh, the Love Boat is about to set sail. Toot-toot! Cause I gotta tell you, buddy, that face of hers , it just makes my heart go...

[Sees Roz in front of him]

Mike: Yikes!

Sulley: [Sulley and Mike have just been banished to the Himalayas on Earth - Sulley opens the door to find nothing beyond it] BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sulley: [Opens and closes door, pushes frame, nothing happens] No, no! No, no, no, no, NO!

Mike: It's too late! We're banished, genius! We're in the human world! Oh, what a great idea; goin' to your old pal Waternoose! Too bad he was in on the whole thing! All you hadda do, was listen to me, just once! But you didn't, did you?

[Sulley continues to fret in the doorway]

Mike: YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING!

[Mike jumps at Sulley in Frustration sending them down a hill. Then they get Company]

Yeti: Welcome to the Himalayas.

Randall: So, how about this kid getting loose? Crazy, huh?

Sulley: Uh, yeah, crazy.

Randall: Word on the street is the kid has been traced to the factory. Know anything about that?

Sulley: Uh, no, uh...

Mike: No, no way. But if it was an inside job, I'd put my money on Waxford.

Randall: Waxford?

Mike: Yeah, works over in sector 6, he's got those shifty eyes.

Randall: Hey, Waxford!

Mike: [while Sulley brushes teeth] C'mon, fight that plaque! Fight that plaque! Scary monsters don't have plaque!

Mike: [chanting] I don't know, but it's been said, I love scaring kids in bed!

Mike: Just think about a few names for a second: Bigfoot. Loch Ness. The Abominable Snowman. They all have one thing in common, pal: Banishment! We could be next!

Mike: Oh, Schmootsie-poo?

Celia: Googlie Bear.

Mike: You're the boss! You're the boss! You're the big, hairy boss!

Mike: Hey, genius. Wanna know why I bought the car?

Sulley: Not really.

Mike: To drive it! You know, like on the street? With the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?

Sulley: Wah, wah, wah. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.

Mike: I could use the exercise? Look at you. You have your own climate.

Mike: [unlocks his car] Come on, hop on in.

Sulley: No way, there's a scream shortage. We're walking.

Mike: No, come on, It's just-I... just...

[is pulled away from his car after a struggle and locks his car again]

Mike: I-I'll call ya!

[Sulley enters the Scare Simulator room with Mike and Boo in her costume, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]

Sulley: Mr. Waternoose?

Henry J. Waternoose: James! You're just in time. OK Gentleman. It's time for you to see how scaring really works.

[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]

Sulley: But sir, I just wanted to ask...

[the lights go out, as if it's nighttime, and the Simulator Child goes to sleep]

Boo: [Excited to watch Sulley] Kitty!

Mike: No Boo. I wouldn't...

Henry J. Waternoose: Now, give us a a Great Big Roar.

Sulley: Sir, can I just...

Henry J. Waternoose: Roar!

Sulley: But sir...

Henry J. Waternoose: ROAR!

[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the Simulator Child and lets out a load roar, causing it to scream. Little did he know that Boo was standing close by, watching in horror]

Henry J. Waternoose: [Applauds] Well done James. Well done. Well Gentleman, I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...

[Sulley notices Boo run off crying, terrified from his roar]

[Mike complains to Sulley about Randall]

Mike: One of these days I am really... gonna let you teach that guy a lesson.

Celia: [wearing a cone after being treated by the CDA] Last night was one of the worst nights of my entire life, bar none!

[the snakes on her hair, also wearing cones, pop out to hiss at Mike]

Celia: I thought you cared about me.

Mike: Honey, please. Schmoopsie, I thought you liked sushi.

Celia: Sushi? Sushi? You think this is about sushi?

Mike: On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to Accounting, the fuchshia ones go to Purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. Leave the puce.

Mike: Scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, oop! The kid's awake!

[Sulley ducks down]

Mike: Okay, scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, kid's asleep!

[Sulley roars]

Mike: Twins! In a bunk bed!

[Sulley growls high, then low, then high then low again]

Mike: Darn I thought I had you with that one!

Sulley: [Hugging Boo, who wandered off with a Group of Little Monsters] Boo, I was so worried. Don't you ever run off like that again Young Lady.

Babysitter: Aww, what a nice father.

Sulley: Actually she's my Cousin's Sisters Daughter.

Baby Smitty: Mike Wazowski!

Mike: Hi there, shoo shoo.

[Smitty bites Mike's hand]

Mike: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Boo laughs at seeing that, which causes the Lights in the Hallway to go out, and the Little Monsters begin to scream in panic]

Sulley: Stop making Boo laugh!

Mike: I didn't!

[From the Teaser Trailer]

Mike: [Holding a Hula Hoop around him] Hey, guess which planet I am.

[Spins in Circles]

Sulley: [Walks to the door] I'm gonna go check on the Donuts.

Mike: [as Sulley closes the door] Don't you even get it, you big Fur Rug?

[Growling is heard]

Mike: Oh, nice doggy. Nice *Big* Doggie.

Mike: [Struggling to open the Closet Door] Sulley, open the door. Open the door.

[Mike yells, then Sulley opens it and pulls him back in in the nick of time]

Mike: [Boo is holding onto Mike's Teddy Bear, after Sulley tossed it at her] OK, that's it, noone touches Little Mikey.

Mike: Creation is better than destruction.

Mike: To me a wolf means money. It's a way of making a living. One wolf pelt is about $350 dollars. And I've got to feed my family; my children. Buy a snowmobile; food, rifle, bullets whatever.

Tyler: You wouldn't ah... you wouldn't kill these wolves?

Mike: These ones... no. No I don't think so. Besides you would get mad if I killed one of them... and your gun is bigger than mine.

Tyler: Yeah.

Mike: I'd like to though.

Kid Dabb: [watching Geoff try to land a damaged plane] He's gonna try to land!

Mike: He can't make it.

Les Peters: Not with that tail all smashed up. Not in a million years.

Kid Dabb: Get set for the crash, Mike!

Bonnie Lee: Why doesn't he jump?

Kid Dabb: Why? Why should he? He's made of rubber, he is. He wants to hit the ground to see how high he can bounce!

Mike: Why don't we just take the money and bounce, man?

Mike: Relax. It's happy hour.

Mike: I believe God's M.O. is to transmute evil into good and if He's active here, he's doing that now. Although our eyes can't perceive it. The whole process is hidden beneath the surface of our reality. It will only be revealed later. And even then, the people of the future, our children's children, will never truly know this awful time that we have gone through and the losses we took. Maybe some footnote in a minor history book, a brief mention with no list of the fallen.

[Talking to the receptionist of a Record Company]

Receptionist: There are no gay artists on this label. I'm sorry.

Mark: They don't have to be gay. That's the point. This is a coming together of all different people...

[Phone Rings, The Receptionist Answers and Shoo's Mike and Mark Away]

Mark: [as They Leave the Building, Mark Runs Off to the Side]

Mike: What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?

[Mark is Writing on the Wall Underneath Two Posters]

Mark: That's the number for Gay Switchboard. You never know. One of them might need it one day.

[the Two Posters are Revealed to Be of Soft Cell and Elton John]

Joe: The thing is I'm actually from Bromley.

Mike: Well, don't worry about that. We're a broad church.

Burt Munro: What's your name, young man?

Mike: McFarlane. Mike. Mike McFarlane.

Burt Munro: I knew a McFarlane. He used to sell milking machines in Timaru. You must be related to him because he was a total prick.

Mike: I said, what happened to the tread?

Burt Munro: Well, I cut it off. That's what happened to the tread, I cut it off with a carving knife, otherwise it won't be a high-speed tyre, would it?

Jim Moffett: I told you, if it's a time problem, the old guy's welcome to use some of my time.

Mike: It's not a time problem, it's a bike problem.

Jim Moffett: Well, I think we ought to let him run. He came all the way from New Zealand to do this.

Mike: Jim, have you had a good look at his machine?

Jim Moffett: All I know is the man's the genuine article.

Mike: Yeah, but the bike is the genuine dinosaur.

Jim Moffett: Look, we carry the cans for the decisions around here...

Mike: And if he kills himself, and there's about a 100-to-1 that he will, we're gonna have a hell of a lot of trouble on our hands.

Jim Moffett: Yeah, sounds like we're a bunch of chickenshits, if you want my opinion.

Mom Jittlov: You got a job today?

Mike: Yeah, almost; I sold my car.

Mom Jittlov: [aghast] Your wonderful car?

Mike: Mmm-hmm. Sold my property to pay property taxes.

Dora Belair: Look, you work with me, I expect a pro. You don't even shake hands; you oughta see a shrink!

Mike: Miss Belair, if you feel compelled to grab part of my body and shake it before you can even be friendly, you've got far worse problems than you think I have.

[Mike tries to join other film industry unions:]

Mike: Well it's only a dozen little animated lights...

Union Clerk #1: No no no, you can't *move* 'em; gotta join the Grippers' Guild.

Mike: I have to be an apprentice first?

Union Clerk #2: For three consecutive years, but ya can't be over twenty-five years old.

Mike: This is simple back-projection!

Union Clerk #3: Go see Union Projectionists!

Mike: But it's just projected to a painted matte!

Union Clerk #4: Then also join the Painters' Guild.

Union Manager: Get his number!

Union Clerk #5: He doesn't have a number.

Union Manager: Then give him a number and take it away!

[Mike tries to join the Directors' Union:]

Mike: Hello, hi.

Directors' Union Clerk: Can I help you?

Mike: Yes, how do I join the Directors' Union?

Directors' Union Clerk: You need to bring in a copy of the deal memo by your studio producer before you can pay your initiation fee and be cleared by Union Council, thank you...

Mike: Uh, excuse me, what is the initiation fee?

Directors' Union Clerk: Seven thousand dollars, with a hundred dollar application fee, two hundred dollars every quarter, and ten percent of your salary.

Mike: Uhhh, seven thousand dollars, what is that for?

Directors' Union Clerk: That's the amount you pay to get into our union.

Mike: What is it, like Social Security? I get it back when I retire?

Directors' Union Clerk: Absolutely not! What is your classification?

Mike: Uh, well, I'm directing special effects with a small crew.

Directors' Union Clerk: Well, then you must have an Assistant Director, a Second AD, and a UPM, all signed with the DUA.

Mike: All I'm directing is animation!

Directors' Union Clerk: Well then discuss that with the Animators' Union.

[Mike tries to join the Animators' Union:]

Animators' Union Clerk: (*gul-yuk-hoohoo!*) So, uh, what's your animation classification, huh?

Mike: Well, a lot of everything. Cartoon, kinestasis, rotoscoping, stop-motion...

Animators' Union Clerk: WOAH! Well, cartoon animation alone is twenty-one hundred dollars, plus a fifty dollar entry fee, and a hundred dollar quarterly dues.

Mike: Well, what about filming animation?

Animators' Union Clerk: (*ubbidy-ub*) Well then ya go to the Camera Union.

[Mike tries to join the Camera Union:]

Camera Union Clerk: No sir, the studio hires the next man on the roster.

Mike: Well, how do I get on the roster?

Camera Union Clerk: You have to be in the union.

Mike: Well, how do I get *in* the union?

Camera Union Clerk: When you're on the roster.

Mike: You mean I can't join unless I'm already a member?

Camera Union Clerk: That's correct. Then you need thirty consecutive days camera operation, a complete physical exam, the producer sends a letter, and *you* pay your fees.

Mike: Well, fine, I've done ten years of camera work!

Camera Union Clerk: Then you've worked in violation of seniority! You'll have to start allll over, as a film loader.

Mike: Look, I'm just building a small set and filming it!

Camera Union Clerk: That's entirely another union. Set and Modelmakers. Next door!

Brian: Cash.

Bookman: Cash? Whaddaya mean, "Cash?"

Brian: You know.

[holds up a dollar bill]

Brian: This stuff.

Mike: It's green with little president's pictures on it.

Amy: [after catching Mike with his pants down in front of the PC] Oh, my God, are you...?

Mike: No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.

Amy: You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.

Mike: Why won't this fucking window close?

Amy: [Sees Sharon naked on the screen] Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!

Sharon: Uh, who the hell are you?

Amy: I'm his wife.

Sharon: Oh, shit.

Mike: I am still weirded out seeing them kiss.

Sonny: Why? They're gay. That's what gay guys do.

Mike: Yeah, but they were like brothers to us in school.

Sonny: They're still our brothers. Our very gay brothers.

Mike: Don't air raid for that bitch, I hate that shit. It's like that Clint fucker in front of all his friends. Huh? Huh mother fucker.

Tony: Okay Mike.

Mike: Dominant male monkey mother fucker.

Tony: So, you're not gonna go to law school? What do you wanna do then?

Mike: I wanna dance!

Clint: What did you just say?

Mike: What?

Clint: Just now, man. When you walked past, what'd you say?

Mike: About what?

Clint: You said, "Someone's tokin' some reefer."

Mike: No, I meant somewhere I smell some pot, you know? It was just an observation.

Clint: Oh, an observation, huh? Well who the hell are you, man? Isaac fucking Newton?

Tony: [Wooderson has just driven off after hitting on Cynthia] God, that was so creepy!

Mike: Wait, why are you smiling?

Cynthia: [shrugs] I thought he was cute.

Tony: Ugh, that's disgusting!

Mike: You thought he was cute? Do you realize when he graduated we were like three years old?

Cynthia: God, don't you ever feel like everything we do and everything we've been taught is just to service the future?

Tony: Yeah I know, like it's all preparation.

Cynthia: Right. But what are we preparing ourselves for?

Mike: Death.

Tony: Life of the party.

Mike: It's true.

Cynthia: You know, but that's valid because if we are all gonna die anyway shouldn't we be enjoying ourselves now? You know, I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor insignificant preamble to something else.

Mike: I'm just trying to be honest about being a misanthrope.

Mike: It's what everybody in this car needs is some good ol' worthwhile visceral experience.

Mike: I didn't think drugs and alchohol were such a big deal they had to resort to Neo-McCarthyism to get rid of it.

Pink: I think they're just worried that some of us are having too good a time.

Jodi: Ask Tony to marry you.

Sabrina Davis: Will you marry me?

Tony: Oh god, what am I supposed to say?

Mike: I dont know.

Tony: Uh, whadda ya do for me?

Sabrina Davis: Umm, anything you like.

Tony: [turns to Mike] Imagine the possibilities.

Tony: [to Sabrina about the hazing] We were just discussing the utter stupidity of these initiation rituals, and we were wondering how someone such as you would subject themselves to the losing end of it all.

Jodi: What are we, having social hour over here? You're supposed to be being a bitch.

Mike: [after Jodi takes Sabrina away] Am I mistaken or was there some unspoken thing between you and that young vixen... you stud.

Tony: Well you know how it is.

Mike: Yeah, I bet she's pretty cute once you clean all the shit off her.

Tony: Yeah I bet she is.

Tony: [describing his dream] So there I am, getting it on with this perfect female body and...

Mike: What?

Tony: I can't say.

Mike: No, you can't give a build-up like that and not deliver. You know, a perfect female body, it's not a bad start.

Tony: But with the head of Abraham Lincoln. With the hat and the beard, everything.

Mike: I feel like I'm being stalked by a Nazi.

Pickford: [mockingly, to Mike and Tony] Woodward, Bernstein.

Mike: Guess that makes you Deep Throat.

Mike: [after the fight with Clint] I got some good ones in there, right? I mean, you wouldn't say I got my ass kicked, would you?

Cynthia: Oh no, I mean, after a few years, no one will even remember really, who won or lost.

Mike: Right, like when you read about Hemingway and those guys, no one ever talks about who won, just they got in a brawl.

Mike: Look, I love you guys. This trip has been ridiculous and amazing. So please, do not make me give the whole 'it's not about how we go out there and do it, it's about getting to go out there and do it together' speech that I just gave you. What are you? You're not a fireman.

Big Dick Richie: I'm a male entertainer.

Mike: Oh yeah, what are we?

Big Dick Richie, Salvador, Tarzan: Male entertainers

Rome: Hey, hey, hey, hold that up. Look, it's not bro time, it's show time. Are you guys ready?

Rome: I've got a little treat for y'all tonight. It's the man I knew as White Chocolate. Some might know him as Magic Mike. We gonna see if he still got some magic in that Mike. You down for a little fun tonight? Have a seat. Mike?

Mike: Come on, let's not do this.

Big Dick Richie: Is this, uh, is this how the whole trip is going to be? You're going to be on this thing the whole time?

Mike: Are you kidding? Relax, I've got a bunch of orders just came in. The guys at the shop are just freaking out.

Big Dick Richie: If you're going to be here, be here, man. Be present.

Mike: Okay, I'll be present.

Big Dick Richie: All right, that's it.

Mike: What are you? Yo, what are you doing?

Tito: iPhone went bye phone!

Mike: Are you serious right now? What am I supposed to do? I should chuck your big ass right off this f***ing truck.

Big Dick Richie: That's the Mikey I remember. Look, if you ain't ready to bring it old school this weekend, then you need to hop it off this food truck right now.

Mike: Why do you think I came this weekend?

Big Dick Richie: I don't know, man. It's been a long time. But I do know this, you better be ready to follow my ass down the rabbit hole, brother. I'm talking out of body, baby. Astro-projection! Tobias, we're going to Mad Mary's.

Tobias: Hell yeah!

Big Dick Richie: Nobody, nobody messes with the mojo on the last ride!

Mike: I mean, if this really is our last ride, what if we make up some new routines?

Abby Richter: I am not desperate!

[pause]

Abby Richter: Why, did you think I sounded desperate?

Mike: Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sounded desperate?

Abby Richter: I'm sorry, but Jack Magnun will no longer be able to do 'The Ugly Truth', which should really come as no surprise because men are completely unreliable. Take Mike Chadway, for instance. He up and quit the show, without so much as a word. You think you know what men are going to do. You think you know what men want to do, but when it comes right down to that moment where they need to step up and, I don't know, make a move - they chicken out.

Mike: Oh! I am all over this.

Abby Richter: The big strong brave men, that we've all been reading about in novels and watching in movies since we've been nine years old, - -that's a fallacy. They don't exist. Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men, are afraid. Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it's totally romantic and full of potential, men are incapable of copping to it because, why? Men are weak.

Mike: Let me tell you something about women. Women would have us believe that they are the victims; That we break their hearts for sport. That's crap. They say they want romance, they say they want true love, but all they want is a check list. Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor? For you men who fit the criteria, don't kid yourselves. Cuz they're not sleeping with you, they're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices. Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles. No gesture, no matter how real or romantic will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.

Abby Richter: This coming from a man who's never made a gesture other than this one.

Abby Richter: [Abby has just closed the door on Colin after Mike told her to keep the conversation under a minute] What now?

Mike: OK, that's good. Now, just let him suffer.

Abby Richter: OK

[gestures towards the door]

Abby Richter: . Suffer! Suffer!

Trent: Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.

Mike: That was so demeaning.

Trent: She smiled, baby.

Mike: I can't believe what an asshole you are.

Trent: Did she, or did she not smile.

Mike: She was smiling at what an asshole you are.

Trent: She was smiling at how money I am, baby.

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Rob: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Rob: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike: There's the rub.

Rob: There's the rub.

Mike: Trent, the beautiful babies don't work the midnight to six shift on a Wednesday. This is like the skank shift.

[It's 2:32am, and Mike decides to call Nikki, a girl he met just a few hours ago]

[Nikki's machine picks up: Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message]

Mike: Hi, uh, Nikki, this is Mike. I met you at the, um, at the Dresden tonight. I just called to say that I had a great time... and you should call me tomorrow, or in two days, whatever. Anyway, my number is 213-555-4679 -

[the machine beeps]

Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up]

Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike again. I just called cuz it sounded like your machine might've cut me off when I, before I finished leaving my number. Anyway, uh, and, y'know, and also, sorry to call so late, but you were still at the Dresden when I left so I knew I'd get your machine. Anyhow, uh, my number's 21 -

[the machine beeps]

Mike: [Mike calls back; the machine picks up again]

Mike: 213-555-4679. That's it. I just wanna leave my number. I didn't want you to think I was weird or desperate, or... we should just hang out and see where it goes cuz it's nice and, y'know, no expectations. Ok? Thanks a lot. Bye bye.

[hangs up]

Mike: [Mike walks away from the phone... then walks back and calls again; once again, the machine picks up]

Mike: I just got out of a 6-year relationship, Ok? That should help explain why I'm acting so weird. I just wanted you to know that. It's not you, it's me. I'm sorry... This is Mike.

[hangs up]

Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up again]

Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike. Could you just call me when you get in? I'm gonna be up for awhile and I'd just rather speak to you in person instead of trying to fit it all into -

[the machine beeps]

Mike: Fuck!

[Mike calls back, gets the machine again]

Mike: Uh, Nikki? Mike. It's uh, uh, it's just, uh, this just isn't working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It's not you, it's me. It's what I'm going through, alright? It's uh... it's only been 6 months ...

Nikki: [picks up] Mike?

Mike: [very cheerful] Nikki? Great! Did you just walk in or were you listening all along?

Nikki: Don't ever call me again.

[hangs up]

Mike: Wow. I guess you're home.

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?

Trent: A day.

Mike: Tomorrow.

Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.

Trent: Yeah.

Mike: So two days?

Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.

Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.

Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?

Sue: Yeah, but two's enough not to look anxious.

Trent: Yeah, two's enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you...

Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I'll wait 3 weeks. How's that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.

Charles: Then ask her where you met her.

Mike: Yeah, I'll ask her where I met her. I don't remember. What does she look like? And then I'll asked if we fucked. Is that... would that be... T, would that be the money?

Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.

Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?

Trent, Sue: Six days.

Rob: You don't look at the things that you have, you only look at the stuff that you don't have. Those guys are right about you - you're money.

Mike: Then why won't she call?

Rob: She won't call because you left. she's got her own life to deal with, man, and that's in New York... alright? And she's a sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, but fuck her, man. You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the shit that didn't kill us is only - you know, all that shit. You're gonna get over it.

Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?

Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain.

Mike: You miss the pain?

Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her... because you lived with it for so long.

Trent: You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and with fangs...

Sue: ...big fucking teeth, man.

Trent: Yeah... big fuckin' teeth on ya'. And she's just like this little bunny, who's just kinda cowering in the corner.

Sue: Shivering.

Trent: Yeah, man just kinda... you know, you got these claws and you're staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you're thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?"

Sue: And you're poking at it, you're poking at it...

Trent: Yeah, you're not hurting it. You're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny's scared Mike, the bunny's scared of you, shivering.

Sue: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs...

Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs. And you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what to do, man. "I don't know how to kill the bunny." With *this* you don't know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?

Sue: You're like a big bear, man.

Mike: So you're not just like fucking with me?

Trent: No I'm not fucking with you.

Sue: Honestly, man.

[playing a hockey video game]

Trent: I wish they still had fights in this game so I could bitch-slap Wayne.

Mike: What? They don't have fighting anymore?

Trent: Doesn't that suck?

Mike: Why'd they get rid of the fighting? It was the best part of the old version.

Sue: I think kids were hittin' each other or somethin', man.

Trent: Yeah but you know what, Mike? You can make their heads bleed in this one.

Mike: Make somebody's head bleed.

Sue: No man, we're in the playoffs.

[on the way to Las Vegas]

Trent: They're gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?

Mike: Do you think we'll get there by midnight?

Trent: Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight!

Mike: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!

Trent: Vegas baby! Vegas!

Mike: Vegas!

Mike: Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn't be nothing except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. And I'm gonna tell you something T. Are you listening?

Trent: Yeah, I'm listening.

Mike: I'm not gonna be one of those assholes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It's like, some nasty skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin' puke!

Trent: So, what'd you think of that Dorothy girl?

Mike: The whole Judy Garland thing kinda turned me on. Does that make me some kind of fag?

Trent: No, baby, you're money.

Mike: How about if I wait six weeks to call. I could tell her I found her number while I was cleaning out my wallet, I can't remember where we met. I'll ask her what she looks like and then I'll ask her if we fucked. How about that? Would that be money?

Mike: You shouldn't be sorry, you're a winner. I'm the fucking loser. I'm the one who should be sorry.

Trent: Baby don't talk that way.

Mike: Can we just go, please, can we go?

Trent: Baby look at me, look at me. You're money, and you know what else? You're a big winner tonight.

Mike: I want to leave.

Trent: You're a big winner. I'm gonna ask you a simple question and I want you to listen to me: who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that's who. Mikey's the big winner. Mikey wins.

[Mike, Trent, and Sue are hanging out and Trent and Sue are playing video hockey]

Sue: This is bullshit, such bullshit!

Mike: The Kings suck in this game you should play another team.

Sue: I took the Kings to the cup.

Trent: Yea, against the computer with the offsides off.

Sue: They are a finesse team.

Trent: LA is a fucking bitch team. OOOOHHHHHHH!

[Trent bodychecks one of sue's players]

Sue: BITCH!

Mike: What the fuck are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?

Sue: Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.

Trent: Anaheim.

Sue: Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.

Trent: I'm gonna find me two waitresses here and I'm gonna pull me a Fredo.

Mike: Yeah, well they're all skanks.

Trent: What are talking about? Look at all the beautiful babies here.

Mike: The beautiful babies don't work the midnights-to-six on a Wednesday. This is the skank shift.

Trent: Look at all the beautiful honeys here.

[bemoaning his audition for role of Goofy at Disney Land]

Rob: Why does it have to be Goofy? Why couldn't it be Mickey? Mickey's an icon.

Mike: What do want? You're tall.

[Trent talks a girl into meeting them later and bringing a friend]

Mike: That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi mind-shit.

Mike: Hi, how are you ladies doing this evening?

Girl at the Party: What do you drive?

Mike: Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot.

Trent: Oh Mikey you don't want all that "Pirates Of The Caribbean" horseshit, or the "Rock and Roll Grunge Tip". Guys like you and me gotta kick it here, old school.

Mike: Oh this is definitely 'old school'. This place is dead.

Trent: To the ladies?

[raises glass]

Mike: To the ladies.

[clink glasses]

Rob: How many strokes?

Mike: I don't know. Eight or Nine.

Rob: I'll give you an eight.

Mike: What'd you get?

Rob: An eight.

Mike: Looks like we're in a dead heat after one hole. This is turning into quite a rivalry.

Rob: You better replace the pin, Chi-Chi. The natives look restless.

Mike: Hi.

Lorraine: Hi.

Mike: I'm Mike.

Lorraine: Hi Mike, I'm Lorraine.

Mike: Like the quiche.

Lorraine: Like the quiche? That's a really original joke.

Mike: I like quiche.

Lorraine: I thought real men didn't like quich?

Mike: Well, it seems my reputation had preceded me here.

Lorraine: You not a real man?

Mike: Not lately.

Mike: I'll have a scotch on the rocks, please. Any scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course. Single malt, Glen Livet, Glen Galley, perhaps, any Glen.

Mike: [Mike pays the delivery guy and then tosses the bags of food at Trent and Sue] Eat, eat, you fucking jackals!

Jake: I heard you were dissing my family.

Cooper: I don't even know your family loser.

Mike: You do now!

[Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand]

Cooper: My latte!

Mike: We're gonna move!

[Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute]

Mike: Ahhhh!

Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

Mike: First dad forces us to move

Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe

Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!

Mark: And he hates kids too.

[phone rings and Mike gets it]

Mike: Hello?... Whos this?...

[hands the phone to his mom]

Mike: Somebody from somethin' somethin'.

Tom: *All right. Enough is Enough. You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting in school*. Things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded*

Mike: What's grounded?

Tom: What's grounded? I'll tell you what ground it is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's it.

Sarah Baker: But that

Tom: Oh yes Sarah, I know that sucks, but that's the way it is!

Jake: Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?

Tom: That's exactly what it means.

Kim Baker: But we brought his presents already.

Tom: *You are going to miss it

Tom: Kids are quiet

Tom: Now, go to bed.

Mike: [shouts] Heads up!

[Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face]

Tom: Little less wrist, Mike.

Tom: [throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it]

Mike: Got it.

Mike: [shouts] Game on!

Mike: [about Sam] He keeps me up at night watching stupid old movies, my work is starting to suffer.

Joon: You install cable.

Mike: [Leaving Dancing Zorba's] Come on, let's go, I'm giving a pop quiz and I can't wait to hear the groans!

Ian Miller: Wow! You're mean! I give a test on Hamlet but I give fair warning!

Samantha James: Do you really have my poster on your wall?

Mike: Yeah.

Samantha James: Do you ever...

Mike: All the time!

Samantha James: How many times a day?

Mike: Eight.

Samantha James: *Eight?* Ooh that's hot!

Mike: You're hot.

Samantha James: I know! I know.

Mike: Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!

Mike: [Samantha has found out that Chris is seeing someone else] The jig is up! Run!

Samantha James: You son of a bitch!

Chris: Samantha! You're here! Shit!

Samantha James: There she is. There's the little slut you've been banging behind my back!

Old Woman: Me?

Samantha James: Not you, wrinkles.

[Points at Jamie]

Samantha James: Her!

Jamie Palamino: Who are you?

Samantha James: I'm Samantha James, bitch!

[Shoves Jamie]

Jamie Palamino: Don't shove me!

[Shoves Samantha back]

Samantha James: You're a whore! Santa's little whore! Santa's little whore!

Jamie Palamino: Get off!

Mike: [In an excited, high pitched voice] Cat fight!

Mike: [Speaking to Chris about Samantha] It's OK. She's got her toothpaste.

Samantha James: [eating the toothpaste] Blueberry.

Mike: You'll always be fat to me!

Mike: Yeah I slapped the ham to it about an hour ago.

Chris' Mom: What ham did you slap, honey? Not the one I just bought.

Mike: Samantha James, it is an honor. I have your poster on my wall, but you are so much hotter in person.

Samantha James: [coyly] I know!

Mike: Dude I think she left you hanging.

Chris: It's probably just an important businees call. Get off the phone.

Mike: What, the bar ran out of curly fries?

Chris: Get off the phone!

[losing his temper]

Mike: Dude are you gonna boink Jamie or what?

Chris: Yes! Are you happy now?

Mike: Alright.

Mike: Dude the Notebook is so gay.

Chris: GET OFF THE PHONE!

Mike: Homo, homo...

[Mike makes noises down the phone with his tongue]

Mike: [Chris kicks down the bathroom door]

Samantha James: [Samantha shoves Mike against the bathroom wall] Where's Chris!

Mike: I'll never tell you anything!

Samantha James: Oh yeah?

[Passionately tongue kisses Mike]

Mike: Mmmm! Mmmm! Oh! Oh!

Samantha James: Ahhhhhh...

[Backs away]

Mike: He's with his lover!

Tina: You know it's 500, right?

Mike: Yeah. Oh, yeah, no problem. Yeah, I mean... 500 of my dollars?

Tina: Right. Right.

Mike: But I thought... Boyd didn't pay?

Tina: No, Boyd didn't pay. It's 500.

Mike: Cool.

Tina: Straight sex, nothing kinky. Just...

Mike: No, no, no. I'm not gonna try to use you as a hand puppet or anything. I just wanna...

Tina: Okay.

Mike: ...make sweet love to you because you have no idea what you've gotten into.

Mike: Dad used to bring home these sparklers for me and Adam, you know? (laughs) Sparklers! We'd go out back, the three of us - and we'd hold it up to the sky and watch the explosions of light and the sparks, you know, and Dad would be all "Wait for it! Here it comes! Watch for it! Here comes the wahoo!"

Kyle: Wahoo?

Mike: Wahoo. The sparkler would burn hot, then hotter, then even hotter, and then there'd be this one moment of pure burn when that little fucker would cook perfect, just perfect. It would only last a second, but that second was *it*. And *that's* what Dad had us looking for, man.

Kyle: The wahoo moment?

Mike: That's exactly right. Man - burning at his absolute. All the forces coming together - burning - just perfect, perfect harmony. That's what I'm driving at. Are you with me?

Kyle: I think so.

Mike: I have been looking for that flash. I've been looking and I've been looking, and I can't find it. What if it already happened, you know? My moment! What if it already happened and I didn't see it?

Mike: Look at 'em. I'm amazed the windows don't blow out of their fucking sockets with all the ass-puckering rage in these soulless lizards.

Kyle: I just want her to be happy.

Mike: The same alarm clock every morning, same two pops on the same snooze button, same shower, towel, toothbrush, razor, blazer, hair pump, gel spray. It's a fucking epidemic, Fisher. You're getting married, baby. I'm not going to candy-coat it - it just gets worse. It's an eighteen-wheel cement truck that's going to crush every bone in your big body.

Mike: Boys! Don't you see how sad and pathetic you all are? Always wanting something you can't have. If I catch you looking at another man like that ever again, you'll be watching sports... the whole weekend!

Moocher: [watching the college kids on campus] Sure looks like they've got it made.

Mike: That's because they're rich.

Dave: Italians are poor, but they're happy.

Mike: Yeah? Maybe in Italy.

Cyril: Hey! Are you really gonna shave your legs?

Dave: Certo! All the Italians do it.

Mike: Ah. Some country. The women don't shave theirs.

Mike: They're gonna keep callin' us "cutters." To them, it's just a dirty word. To me, it's just somethin' else I never got a chance to be.

Mike: That's the place to be right there, Wyoming! Nothin' but prairies and mountains and nobody around. All you need is your bed roll and a good horse.

Cyril: Don't forget your toothbrush! You're still in your cavity-prone years.

Mike: You want to tell me who did it?

Cyril: It was dark... All I can tell your for sure is that they all wore Brut after-shave and reeked of Lavoris.

Mike: [after discovering that the college kids beat Cyril up] They want a fight, we'll give 'em a fight.

Cyril: We rednecks are few... college paleface students are many. I counsel peace.

Cyril: You know what I'd like to be? A cartoon of some kind. You know, like when they get hit in the head with a frying pan or something, and their head looks like the frying pan, with the handle and everything? They they just go *booiing*

[shakes head]

Cyril: and their head comes back to normal? Wouldn't that be great?

Mike: How'd you get to be so stupid, Cyril?

Cyril: I don't know... I have a dumb heredity, I guess. What's your excuse, Michael?

Moocher: Hey, come on in, Dave.

Dave: Nah, I read where this Italian coach said its no good to go swimmin' right after a race.

Mike: Who's swimmin'? I'm takin' a leak.

Cyril: When you're 16 they call it Sweet 16 and when you're 18 you get to drink and and vote and see dirty movies. What the hell do you get to do when you're 19?

Mike: You leave home.

Cyril: My Dad said that Jesus never went further than 50 miles from his home.

Mike: Well, look what happened to him.

Cyril: You know what I'd like to be?

Mike: Smart.

Mike: You know, I used to think I was a really great quarterback in high school. I still think so too. Can't even bring myself to light a cigarette, cause I keep thinkin' I gotta stay in shape. - You know what really gets me though? I mean, here I am, I gotta live in this stinkin' town and I gotta read in the newspapers about some hot shot kid - new star of the college team. Every year its gonna be a new one. And every year its never gonna be me. I'm just gonna be Mike. Twenty year old Mike. Thirty year old Mike. Old mean old man Mike.

Moocher: Mike, the time comes when we just all have to go our own ways, you know.

Mike: Oh, you're a real adult, aren't ya. B-town boy grows up.

Mike: The only thing I'm afraid of is wastin' the rest of my life with you guys!

Cyril: I thought that was the whole plan. That we were going to waste the rest of our lives together.

Jack: There's only two times when that kind of thing's okay: In prison where it's a substitute and guys in space.

Mike: Guys in space?

Jack: Well, not on purpose. They just float into each other.

Olivia: I'm a... maid. What?

Mike: You're... you're really a maid?

Olivia: Yeah.

Mike: Can I... watch?

Lisa: Ya'll must think I'm stupid like one of those Thelma & Louise bitches!

Mike: Nah, Nah----

Lisa: Car broke down?! Tell that fool he could at least faced me like a man!

Mike: But, But--

Lisa: I'm not gon' cry! I'm not! I spent too much time on this damn make-up!

Mike: Lisa, calm down...

Lisa: I am calm!

Mike: So then why are you yellin'?

Mike: Time was on crack today.

Mike: Now, any other day time drags during the last period. But not today. Naw, time was on crack today!

Mike: You would've sworn they were professors at Harvard. They had breath mints down to a science.

Mike: Feelings are like kids. You don't want them driving the car, but you don't want to stuff them in the trunk, either.

Mike: It's like trying to quit crack while the pipe is attached to your body.

Mike: Worry is just meditating on shit.

Mike: It's easy to be skinny on a desert island.

Mike: Is all of Manhattan just one big f***ing catwalk?

Mike: I cannot believe you are voluntarily going to swim in the Hudson fucking river.

Katie: Mike!

[Tries to stop Mike saying curse words in front of Phoebe]

Mike: This isn't what...

[to Katie]

Mike: I know that she is a big girl.

[to Phoebe]

Mike: Sorry about the language.

Phoebe: That's okay. I accept your fucking apology.

Nurse: You here to visit?

Mike: Yes. I think we're all excited to see how he's doing.

Nurse: Have you seen "The Exorcist"?

Mike: Yeah.

Nurse: Did you like it?

Mike: Yeah. Is this dangerous?

Nurse: Not clinically.

Stevo: What does that mean?

Mike: I wanna save the rain forests, y'know, somebody's gotta fight for them, it's just...

[can't seem to find the right word, so he slams the table instead]

Mark: That's what's wrong with you Americans, you're always looking for pain.

Mike: Yeah well... it pains me to hear you say that, Mark, it really does.

Mike: So Mark. how you doin' old man?

Mark: FUCK! I'm not old motherfucker.

Mike: Oh no, I just... no, I mean... you're older than anyone else here.

Mark: It depends on how you look at it. I'm young in my heart! Younger then any of these assholes over there.

Mike: [to Jerry as they begin to remake Ghost Busters] I'm Bill Murray, you're everybody else.

[from trailer]

Jerry: [sung, poorly, to the tune of the Ghostbusters theme song] When you're walkin' down the street...

Jerry: [singing] ... and you see a little ghost...

Jerry: [singing] ... whatcha gonna do about -

[more out of tune]

Jerry: Ghostbusters?

Mike: What? What is that?

Jerry: That's the Ghostbusters theme song.

Mike: No.

Jerry: I'm pretty sure it is.

Jerry: [Alma is providing the voices for "The Lion King"] Listen to me. I need to you say the line. I need you to say "I will piss on the bones of your ancestors"...

Mike: No, no! That's not in the movie!

Jerry: [interrupts] This is the next Lion King. This is Part II.

Alma: Roar! I will piss on the bones of your ancestors!

Patricia: Mike, Where's Sheila?

Mike: I made her drive, we took the plane. I should've made her walk, y'all know she fat as hell.

Patricia: Mike, do you hear what you are saying?

Diane: [to Patricia and Angela] Did he just say he made her drive?

Angela: I'm still stuck on the fat as hell part.

Mike: [Charlene's hanging Mike by his feet off the top of a house after finding out he got rough with Sarah to have sex with her] Please don't kill me! Oh God! Pull me up!

Charlene Morton: Yo Sarah! Mike has something he wants to say,

[to Mike]

Charlene Morton: say sorry!

Mike: I'm sorry!

Charlene Morton: Say sorry!

Mike: [louder] I'm sorry!

Charlene Morton: Say no means no!

Mike: No means no!

[phoning citizens in an attempt to secure votes]

Mike: Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Edward! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't ! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I...

[phone hangs up]

Mike: And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"

[Mike is pretending to be a cop, Steve is pretending to be a prisoner]

Steve: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.

Mike: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!

[turns to state trooper]

Mike: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!

Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!

Mike: [dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant.

Teen: Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip, because they may be impressed by it, asshole!

Mike: Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast, NOW!

[Steve comes back sprayed with a fire extinguisher]

Mike: Whoa, what happened to you? Did you fall into some mud or something?

Steve: Yeah, I did. And now I'm gonna be famous because I'm the only one in the world who knows where you can find *white* mud.

[a bat flies out at them]

Steve: What the heck is that?

Mike: Ah! It's Ozzy Osborne!

Mike: Horse shit!

Mike: Man! This place is trashed!

Steve: Check this out! This whole fridge is held up here just by this plug!

[unplugs the fridge, letting it slide toward Mike, pinning him against the wall]

Steve: You OK?

Mike: I'm just dandy! I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

Steve: We didn't have any pudding in there, buddy.

Steve: This is great I never win at checkers.

Mike: Well, it's kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!

Mike: I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants.

Steve: We didn't have any pudding in there buddy.

[the roof has blown off the house and it begins to hail all over Mike who is in the top bunk]

Steve: Hey Mike, 'I got dibs on top' Ha ha.

Mike: Shut up!

Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Mike: Why don't you shut up?

Steve: Heh heh, 'Hello Washington'. Ha ha ha.

Mike: SHUT UP!

Motorcycle Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...

Mike: Meoff, Jack.

[turns to Steve and mouths "Jack Meoff"]

Mike: We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!

Mike: [cheering on Rock the Vote Crowd] Yea! Kill whitey!

[crowd goes silent]

Rastafarian: No! No! No!

Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!

Mike: What the hell was that?

Steve: A chunk in the road or something.

Mike: I just chunked in my pants.

Mike: Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.

Mike: [holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong!

Steve: [completely wasted on the nitrous oxide] ... But, this map is heavy... It's got all of those... robes on it. Robes? Rogues?

Mike: [also stoned; giggling] Roads!

Steve, Mike: Aahahahaha!

Mike: [suddenly stops laughing] I'm stoned... so are you!

[looks in the backseat]

Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...

[starts giggling again]

Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!

Mike: Don't dig that kind of crooning, chum.

Dexter: You must be one of the newer fellows.

Mike: [Dexter is carrying a morning-after-the-night-before drink for Sam] Is that for me?

Dexter: It's for Sam, you want one?

Mike: You know how I feel about my grandmother but I'd sell her for a drink.

Dexter: Uncle Willie's in the pantry doing weird and wonderful things with healing waters. Tell him you'd like one of the same.

Mike: Can I ask for two?

Dexter: Keep going till you run out of grandmothers.

Mike: I'll be drinking a long time.

Mike: I'm gonna dance.

Dexter: Don't get hurt.

Mike: She's a lovely girl.

Tracy: Yes, isn't she? Ah, but we're afraid she has a homicidal streak.

Mike: Didn't you once know a girl named Tracy Samantha Lord?

Dexter: Yes, I did.

Mike: No, you didn't! If you did, you wouldn't have let her go!

Dexter: [hits Mike, turns to George] She's not your wife yet and she *was* mine you know.

[George stalks off, Dexter turns to Mike]

Dexter: Thought I'd better get in first, he's in much better shape.

Mike: You'll do.

Mike: Mr Kittredge, it may interest you to know that our so-called affair consisted of exactly two kisses and one rather late swim both of which I thoroughly enjoyed and the memory of which I wouldn't part with for anything. After which I returned here, carried her to her room, deposited her on her bed and promptly returned here which you will no doubt remember.

George Kittredge: That's all?

Mike: That's all.

Tracy: Why? Was I so cold? So forbidding?

Mike: Not at all. On the contrary but you were somewhat the worse or the better for the wine and there are rules about such things.

Mike: We'll go over the wall. Whose car should we use?

Tracy: Any one.

Mike: How about that blue one?

Tracy: Oh no, that's mine!

Mike: Have you heard the story of a boy a girl, unrequited love?

Dexter: Sounds like pure soap opera.

Mike: I may cry.

Dexter: Tune in tomorrow.

Mike: You know how I feel about my grandmother but I'd sell her for a drink.

Liz Imbrie: Were you by any chance playing footsie with me at lunch?

Mike: From where I sat?

Liz Imbrie: I didn't think your reach was that good. Seth Lord has a roving eye *and* foot.

Mike: [on telephone] This is the voice of doom.

Mrs. Lord: What?

Mike: This is to tell you your days are numbered.

[hangs up]

Mrs. Lord: Oh dear. One of the servants has been at the sherry again.

Mike: Hands up!

Tracy: Oh it's you! Go away.

Mike: Where are you going?

Tracy: Some place and dance.

Mike: But they're dancing in there.

Tracy: I know but George is frowning at me and I can't dance when anyone frowns at me.

Mike: Who wants to be a millionaire?

Liz Imbrie: I don't.

Mike: Liz, I know I'm not destiny's dream man but...

Liz Imbrie: Mike, I think I'd better grab you. You're likely to get in trouble one of these days.

Liz Imbrie: Elegant junk.

Mike: It's shiny.

Mike: Would you have four footmen bring me a large ashtray.

Liz Imbrie: Mike, be careful what you say. We may be wired for sound.

Mike: She can't be for real.

Liz Imbrie: Who was doing the interviewing?

Mike: You think she was born that way?

Liz Imbrie: Nah. Takes years.

Tracy: Are you learning anything about the idle rich?

Mike: Yeah, they drive too fast. Where are we headed anyway?

Tracy: The graveyard.

Mike: I'm not ready.

Tracy: I thought I'd show you the playground of the rich, the graveyard of the wealthy.

Mike: Well, for that I'm ready.

Mike: [drunkenly] If you had really know her, you would've

[hiccup]

Mike: never let her get away. You go hiccups.

Dexter: Excuse me.

Mike: It's alright.

Dexter: [singing] You're my bon ami.

Mike: Hey, that's French

Mike: Hey, Liz.

Liz Imbrie: Huh?

Mike: Look at all the loot they've collected.

Liz Imbrie: They must run a hockshop on the side.

George Kittredge: I have a feeling you had more to do with this than anybody. You and your whole rotten class.

Dexter: Oh class my...

Mike: grandmother!

Mike: This joint's full of spies.

Liz Imbrie: That should make us feel at home.

George Kittredge: This is all your fault! You and your whole rotten class!

Dexter: Oh, class my...

Mike: ...Grandmother!

Mike: Oh Tracy, you're tremendous.

Tracy: It's funny because I feel very small. Put me in your pocket, Mike.

Mike: You watch those nature documentaries on the cable? You see the one about lions? You got this lion. He's the king of the jungle, huge mane out to here. He's laying under a tree, in the middle of Africa. He's so big, it's so hot. He doesn't want to move. Now the little lions come, they start messing with him. Biting his tail, biting his ears. He doesn't do anything. The lioness, she starts messing with him. Coming over, making trouble. Still nothing. Now the other animals, they notice this. They start to move in. The jackals; hyenas. They're barking at him, laughing at him. They nip his toes, and eat the food that's in his domain. They do this, then they get closer and closer, bolder and bolder. Till one day, that lion gets up and tears the shit out of everybody. Runs like the wind, eats everything in his path. Cause every once in a while, the lion has to show the jackals, who he is.

Joe: How the fuck does that make you feel... to be in that position with all your money on the table?

Mike: How much you got, Joe?

Joe: What?

Mike: Total. You put down 80 thousand like it didn't matter. That's a lot of money for somebody like you and him. I think it matters.

Joe: What's the difference...

Mike: I'm a millionaire! That's the difference. I lose 80 I get another 80. For me it doesn't matter. See, I think it's you... who's sweating this, the both of you.

Mike: When I was a kid, I figured out right away: most companies pay people enough, so as they don't quit. People work hard enough, so as they don't get fired. You know, what's that?

Mike: I'm gonna step outside and get some smog.

Mike: What do you call a thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Johnny Doyle: What?

Mike: Not enough sand.

Mike: I'm gonna leave you with nothing.

Mike: I'm not sure I wanna be hanging out with a guy who noticed a crease in my pants.

Mike: This one's for all the marbles, boys.

Mike: Smoking's bad for your health.

Leslie: I have to have a cigarette, and I have to have one now!

Mike: [rubs her leg] Are you for real? Can't you think of anything you'd rather have.

Leslie: [shoves him away] No!

Mike: You always get your way don't you?

Leslie: When I'm happy, everybody's happy.

Mike: That's for sure... hand me my badge, would ya?

Leslie: What's the magic word?

Mike: Hand me my badge... please

[she hands him the badge]

Mike: Thank you.

Leslie: Oh, Mike...

Mike: What?

Leslie: [flashes him] Hurry back.

Mike: Count on it.

Mike: He's not gonna know unless you tell him. And you're not gonna tell him, ARE you?

Greg: You know Brennan, you're becoming a real candidate for prickhood.

[Mike falls over while trying to breakdance]

Mike: I think I broke my head.

Eddie: [standing over Mike] Oh, thank God. I thought that you actually hurt yourself.

Mad Dog: I'll be right back.

[goes to get some twinkies, for a colleague]

Mike: You're killin' him, Mad Dog... Get him some Melba toast.

[Mad Dog is in a happy mood and singing]

Mike: What, you got laid last night?

Mad Dog: I don't get laid, I make love.

Mike: Chivas and milk... I never forget a neck!

Mike: Slip your piece under the towel.

Andrew: I got no beef with you.

Mike: Are you sweet? Is that your problem?

Andrew: Come on, I'm on the job.

Mike: You ain't on my fuckin' job.

Mad Dog: It's the first time I pulled out my gin in 15 years. I pissed on myself.

Mike: You know why? Because you're a sensitive, intelligent indivdual.

Mad Dog: You ever piss on yourself?

Mike: Look, I would'a walked in there and drilled the red-eyed little bastard, and that's just the way I am. On the other hand, if I ever had an intelligent thought, I would die a lonely guy. It all evens out, you know what I mean?

Mike: Look, if that ever happens again, the best thing is to have sex.

Mike: You have to let go of everything... in order to move on.

Mike: What about kids? Do you want to have kids?

Sue Claussen: [avoiding the question] You know what was really great about that Yoga class?

Mike: ?

Sue Claussen: It was the breathing stuff. I don't do that.

Mike: Breathe?

Sue Claussen: There are days where I have to instruct my heart to request additional air

[takes a deep breath]

Sue Claussen: and I have to tell myself "Breathe, Sue. Just keep breathing."

[exhales]

Sue Claussen: Yes, I want kids.

Mike: Take care of yourself a little... so that the people who love you don't feel like they're annoying you!

Mike: Maryland is for... lovers. Bumper sticker?

Sue Claussen: Virginia. Virginia is for lovers. Maryland is for crabs.

Sue Claussen: Compact fluorescents.

[showing her apartment for the 1st time]

Mike: Oh, too bad.

Sue Claussen: I wrote you a Haiku. Do you wanna hear it?

Mike: Sure.

Sue Claussen: Mike, oh Mike, my man Keeps showing up like UPS Sue, you're such a bitch.

Mike: ...I like it!

Mike: If she can handle the heat, she can handle the meat.

Mike: [ordering at the studio commissary] I'll have a finger sandwich, hold the mold.

Davy Jones: And, uh, I'd like a glass of cold gravy with a hair in it, please.

Mrs Ace: [sarcastically] One of your own?

Testy True: [holding out her snakebitten finger] Quick! Suck it before the venom reaches my heart.

Mike: WHAT heart?

Mike: [grabbing Micky, as Davy struggles in the boxing ring] YOU are the dummy, dummy!

Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, Mike, Davy Jones: [chanted in unison] Hey hey we are the Monkees, you know we aim to please. A manufactured image with no philosophies.

Peter Tork: Hey, Mike, son of a gun, a millionaire at 25.

Mike: Ask me how does it feel.

Peter Tork: What?

Mike: Ask me how does it feel.

Peter Tork: How does it feel?

Mike: I'll tell you how it feels. I don't like it, that's how it feels! I don't like surprises, I don't like all these people jumping around and shouting, wha - I don't even wanna HEAR what you're saying! Because you know what you're saying to me? You're saying "Happy Birthday" and you're jumping out of the walls and it's scaring me to death, and I'm supposed to be HAPPY about that.

Micky Dolenz: Aww, come on, Mike. Be a good sport.

Mike: Well, WHO NEEDS IT? Who needs surprises, and pajamas. You want to throw a birthday party, you don't kidnap me, you send me an invitation. Besides, I probably would have been happier where I was, sleeping. 'Happy birthday'... HAH!

[embarrassed murmer from party guests]

Mike: And I'll tell you something else too: the same thing goes for Christmas.

[shocked gasps from the guests]

Mike: Well, how 'bout THEM apples!

Mike: [Mike holds an enormous marijuana cigarette stub he has just found and laughs] This is not one of your standard brands.

Micky Dolenz: Oh, an El Zoomo!

Mike: What's the matter with her?

Micky Dolenz: [Micky begins kicking a prostrate, apparently dead Testy] Come on, get up.

Testy True: Hey, what is this?

Micky Dolenz: Come on, get up, you're not dead.

Testy True: Well, stop kicking me!

Micky Dolenz: Aw, I don't wanna do this anymore, man.

[He is shot in the stomach with two arrows, which he ignores]

Micky Dolenz: All these fake arrows and the fake trees. Bob, I'm through!

Mike: Hey... well, Mickey...

Micky Dolenz: Let's get going, man.

[Grumbles to himself as he tears a hole in the painted backdrop and walks off the set through it]

The Jumper: [Threatening to jump off a tall building] I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! I swear I'm gonna do it!

Micky Dolenz: I say she won't.

Mike: Of course she will! Ten dollars says she will.

Micky Dolenz: Ten dollars, huh?

The Jumper: I'm gonna do it!

Mike: All right, need a volunteer, we're out of ammo.

Peter: I'll go.

Mike: See that you do.

Mike: Okay. You think they call us plastic now, babe, but wait 'til I get through telling them how we do it.

Micky Dolenz: C'mon let's get outta this nightclub!

Mrs Ace: But what about the food?

Mike: Have it cleaned and burned!

Mike: Always a best man, never a man.

Mike: A blind man could smell your love.

Mike: You know, you're a nice little strudel!

Joe: Hey, hands off! I saw her first.

Phoebe Frost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Mike: How do you like these prices? We better write Congress to boost our PX ration.

Joe: Fat chance! All them schmooze think about is coal strikes, blood control, United Nations.

Mike: So what's Congress? A bunch of salesmen that's got their foot in the right door.

Joe: Boy, that's strudel! Strudel a la mode! That's the kind of pastry that make you drool on your bib.

Mike: You know what they say? They say she was right up there with them big Nazis. Right in the major league! That's what they say. She was Goebbels' girl. Or, Göring's. One of 'em, any way.

Joe: How did she get away with it?

Mike: How did she get away with it? Just look at her! She's hooked herself some big brass.

Mike: [mocks Luke] Oh, hey, excuse me, Coach stick-up-your-ass, do you think I might massage your penis for a few minutes so I too can get a work out?

Luke: Is it hard being such a douchebag all the time?

Mike: Uh, no. No, I actually kinda like it.

Luke: Loser.

Mike: I went through a bunch of trouble to make this fucking show for you. You're gonna watch it with me.

Blanca Champion: I've already seen it. It's a piece of shit!

Mike: Annie... I'd like to marry you.

Annie: According to heaven, we already are.

Annie: You know what we've never done. We've never... danced. I'm going arent I?

Mike: Yes.

Annie: Don't be sad. Don't get sad mike.

Mike: Why does it have to be you?

Annie: It's not sad. I'm going to be somebody's baby.

Mike: [about Burtom] Drunken son a bitch!

Mike: I don't much like taking my penis out in front of other men.

Cal Meecham: [after German scientist comments on Mozart at dinner] What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the chap.

Tom Servo: "I'm not an alien!"

Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.

Cal Meecham: *Our* composer - he belongs to the world!

Exeter: Yes, indeed.

Mike: "I'm not an alien."

Cal Meecham: That dinner, Exeter, was even more perfect than you promised. Now if you'll excuse me, I could do with some fresh air myself.

Crow T. Robot: He's gonna get high!

Cal Meecham: Would you care to join me, Dr. Adams?

Tom Servo: "Uh, no!"

Cal Meecham: You, Dr. Carlson?

Mike: "Your turn to walk the Cal."

Exeter: Why don't you? Show him the grounds.

Crow T. Robot: "I dare ya!"

Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meecham until tomorrow.

Tom Servo: "Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest! But I'm *not* an alien!"

[as Cal and Joe assemble the Interositor]

Crow T. Robot: Science and Industry!

Tom Servo: See big men sticking screw drivers into things - turning them - AND ADJUSTING THEM!

Crow T. Robot: Build your very own Atom Storage Box!

Mike: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!

Crow T. Robot: Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes - and it really, really works.

Benkitnorf: [the crew catches Benkitnorf in the shower on Tom Servo's interositer] Man, you guys scared the living daylights out of me!

Mike: It's working! Hey! Hi, is Exeter there?

Benkitnorf: Nah, him and Brack went down to Headbutt Days for Shelly. I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in about fifteen minutes, so I gotta get going, 'kay?

Tom Servo: No, wait! We're trapped in space! Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?

Benkitnorf: I don't know. Geez... let's see, maybe this does something...

[pushes button, zapping Servo]

Benkitnorf: Crap. That's not it. Hang on...

[gets manual]

Benkitnorf: Okay. Did you use the Intensifier Disc?

All: Yes.

Benkitnorf: Turn the controls 18 degrees to the left?

All: Did that.

Benkitnorf: Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?

All: No.

Benkitnorf: Well, look. I don't know anything about this thing. Maybe this does something...

[pushes button, zapping Servo again]

Benkitnorf: Oops. That didn't work. Okay, well I'll be sure to tell Exeter to give you a call! Bye!

[upon seeing that there is no one flying the plane]

Mike: I'm your pilot, Claud Rains. Your co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit.

Crow T. Robot: Man, the universe is really cruisin'.

Tom Servo: Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull.

Mike: And right underneath him the constellation feces.

Crow T. Robot: Hey, look, Orion's broke.

Mike: Joe, I'm in one of these boxes, find me!

Mike: Yeah, let's slip awayy under cover of afternoon in the biggetst car in the county!

Crow T. Robot: [as ship descends into fantastic Metaluna landscape] Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet!

Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.

Crow T. Robot: They're very into "Yes" on this planet.

Tom Servo: Hee hee!

Mike: International flights always get the gate furthest from the terminal.

Tom Servo: Remember, we're parked in the "Denubrian Slime Devil" lot!

Exeter: They're concentrating all their attention on Metaluna. Those flashes of light - they're meteors. Hundreds of them! The intense heat is turning Metaluna into a radioactive sun. The temperature must be thousands of degrees by now.

Crow T. Robot: Cooler by the lake.

Exeter: A lifeless planet. And yet...

Tom Servo: Rents are reasonable!

Exeter: Yet, still serving a useful purpose, I hope. Yes... a sun, warming the surface of some other world - giving light to those who may need it.

Mike: "Still, your whole family died. That's a bummer, huh?"

Mike: Boy, the landlady's gonna be mad.

Tom Servo: Are you boys cooking up there?

Mike: No.

Tom Servo: Are you making an interositor?

Mike: No!

Tom Servo: See, all rights are reserved, Callahan.

Mike: [in a Clint Eastwood voice] Yeah, but what about the rights of that little girl?

Mike: This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.

Cal Meecham: [Struggling with the controls of his jet] I have no control...

Mike: I keep eating and eating.

Joe Wilson: You're too darned smart.

Tom Servo: And handsome!

Cal Meecham: I may just be the dumbest man who ever lived.

Mike: No argument here.

Mike: Crow!

Crow T. Robot: [stops swinging pick-axe] Huh?

Mike: Crow, listen, you've gotta stop!

Crow T. Robot: Oh, hi, Mike! I've found the perfect spot. Once I've breached through this wall we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth. URG!

[returns to swinging pick-axe]

Crow T. Robot: Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space.

Crow T. Robot: [British accent] Come, come, boy. We must confound Gerry at every turn!

Mike: Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park.

Dr. Clayton Forrester: Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me recently.

Mike: Sure we have - last week.

Dr. Clayton Forrester: No, no, no, I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down now?

Mike: I don't see any reason to make us...

[suddenly kneels, choking]

Crow T. Robot: [scared] Bowing, sir!

[Tom bows and prays to Dr. Forrester, speaking in tongues]

Mike: Geez, Dr. Forrester!

Crow T. Robot: What a dickweed!

[as Exeter's flying saucer crashes]

Tom Servo: Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a weather balloon!

Mike: Just some swamp gas.

Mike: Putting the men's room in the tower, what was I thinking?

Mike: So they worship the ever-lasting gobstopper?

Mike: I'm just gona drop you at the north pole, that okay?

Crow T. Robot, Mike, Tom Servo: NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIIEEEEW!

[seeing the desolate, war-ravaged surface of Metaluna]

Mike: This must be what went on in Salvador Dali's head.

Mike: Eat at Joes Eat At Joes, Eat at Joes

Mike: Raspberry world. For all your raspberry needs.

Exeter: [Hammy] Stand back... I command you, stand back!

Mike: ACTING!

Mike: [as Cal, after Cal & Ruth's plane is beamed into the spaceship] If I don't miss my guess, I think this has something to do with those white-haired fellows.

[on approaching the planet Metaluna]

Mike: Eww, it's Michael Stipe's head!

[At the giant duck cookout]

Mike: You know what we're doing? We're making history!

Nancy: And eating it, too!

Genius: [about the chemicals he's mixed] They're not compatible. This is supposed to blow up. I wonder why it doesn't?

Nancy: You and I aren't going to be very compatible either, Genius, if you don't get out of here.

Genius: I wonder what you see in her.

Mike: I don't know either. But, uh, whatever it is, I like it.

Mike: Who got the Goo?

Genius: They got it. One of them ran off with it. I was going to stop him, but...

Nancy: But what?

Genius: Reasons of pure logic. He was bigger than me.

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen. England will be playing Four-Four-Fucking Two.

Interviewer: Half time, and England trail Mexico by 2-0.

Mike: Have you heard what the crowd are fucking shouting? "Fuck Bassett!" "Bassett's a cunt!" "Bassett's a bastard!" "Bassett's a wanker!" They shouldn't be fucking shouting at me, they should be shouting at you, and do you know why? Because it's fucking half-time, and we're fucking 2-0 down to the fucking Mexicans! What the fuck's wrong with you? Get your fucking fingers out! Where's your bottle fucking gone?

[hurls piece of equipment at the goalkeeper]

Mike: And fucking pay attention you cunt, when I'm fucking talking to you! If you don't wanna wear the shirt, fucking take it off! There's thousands of kids out there who'd die to put that fucking shirt on. Get back on the fucking field, show those bastards what you can fucking do, or you can fuck off home on the fucking plane! You got that?

Interviewer: England lose 4-0.

Interviewer: ...And what would your father say if he could see you now?

Mike: Oh, he'd probably quote Kipling or something, 'Walk with kings and all that' You see, he was like a father figure to me

Interviewer: Well, obviously...

Margaret: Mike, here's the squad list, and I've given copies to the press, like you asked.

Mike: Ah, well done, Margaret, thank you... hey, hang on a minute! There's 28 names here, I only picked 26.

Margaret: Well, that was the list you gave me.

Mike: Tony Hedges, York City? I didn't pick him, love.

Margaret: You must have done, Mike. I wouldn't have put him down, otherwise.

Mike: Never heard of him, have I? And who's this clown? Ron Benson, Plymouth Argyle?

Margaret: Look, Mike, they were on the list of players that you gave me!

Mike: [holding up the cigarette box he wrote the squad list on] Oh, come on, love! Show me where it says "Benson and Hedges" on that.

Kevin Tonkinson: [having been arrested for drink-driving] It wasn't my fault, boss, I had to swerve to avoid the traffic!

Mike: Only because you were on the wrong side of the bloody road! How many milligrams did you have?

Kevin Tonkinson: 88.

Mike: 88 bloody milligrams! You go on the piss all day, you've ballooned out like the Pillsbury Doughboy! You've really let me down this time, Tonka, I'm telling you.

Kevin Tonkinson: I wrote an apology, boss!

Mike: Oh, fuck the apology! You could go to jail for this! What sort of system am I going to play then? Three across the middle and one in bloody Pentonville?

Mike: Alright, Smallsy? Eh, you've got the best part of the dressing room, there - that's Charlton's lucky peg, that is.

Smallsy: Hey, hear that lads? I've got Bobby Charlton's lucky peg!

Mike: No - Jackie's.

Dr. Hans Shoegaarten: [Picking the best players used for a simulation training program] Pele, Maradona and Mark Lawrenson.

Mike: Mark Lawrenson?

Dr. Hans Shoegaarten: We ran out of money.

Mike: How am I supposed to know. Just do whatever you want.

Mike: [Harpsey's phone rings, Mike snatches it off him] Will you *fuck off*?

[throws Harpsey's phone to the floor]

[last lines]

Interviewer: [after Mike and the team leave the plane] Are you going to stay on?

Mike: Four more years!

[cheers from crowd]

Mike: I'm staying on!

Interviewer: [some time into the credits] Anyone else?

Pelé: Maybe Korea, Japan...

Interviewer: Japan? What about England?

Pelé: Not England though.

Interviewer: But they've qualified, Pelé!

Pelé: England?

[laughs]

[last lines]

Dr. Butz: [shouting from his car] Ernst! Stay away from him! You wanna get sued again? Damn it, make sure he's got insurance! Better ask him for proof of insurance! Haven't you learned anything from me?

Mike: Are you a doctor?

Dr. Werner Ernst: Yeah, I'm a doctor.

Mike: If I don't worry about the content in my show, then I'm part of the problem. I'm making the world more mediocre!

Alice: I think that you're overstating the situation just a little bit.

Mike: But you've never seen "Taxi Driver"!

Alice: I am going to rent "The Taxi Driver", okay?

Mike: The trouble with me is I put women on a pedestal.

Biff Roberts: Well, you gotta stop going out with short women. Ha-ha-ha. For instance, what happens when you talk to a girl about sex?

Mike: I get the hiccups.

Mike: What do you need?

John Brennan: Passports, driver's license, a social security number that'll take a credit check.

Mike: $3,700.

John Brennan: That's too much.

Mike: It is if you never get them.

Mike: You were supposed to leave.

John Brennan: I need them.

Mike: You notice that guy was a cop?

John Brennan: Which guy?

Mike: The one with the red light in his back window.

[John feels ridiculous. Mike hands him the documents]

Mike: Just give me the money.

[John hands him the envelope of money. Mike checks it]

Mike: You want this too much. You're going to fuck it up.

[Mike speeds off. The second rider gives John a look and follows. John looks over the passports with their new names]

Mike: N-O spells nuh-uh.

Frank: [pulls a gun] I need your money and your drugs.

Mike: Oh, man. Now you've lost it.

Frank: But then, I'm drunk by 8 p.m.

Mike: It's noon.

Frank: Hey, I'm ahead of the game!

Alistair: You won't shoot her. You suffer from the hero's curse of hope.

Mike: Yeah, I got hope. I hope my first shot blows your fuckin' head off!

Mike: It's a live-cam death site.

Terry: It doesn't sound like Turnbull. Why would he watch that?

Mike: People love to see death. Why do you think the ratings are so high on reality disaster shows?

Mike: I hate germs, and... diseases.

Terry: What about bugs?

Mike: Pretty much hate them too.

Terry: You know you sleep with bugs?

Mike: What?

Terry: You - sleep - with - bugs.

Mike: No, I, I-I-I don't, actually.

Terry: Yeah, you do. Everyone does. Dust mites. They're in your carpets, in your bed. They look like little lobsters. You know, in fact, they're distant relatives.

Mike: You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Terry: I, I just don't get out much.

Mike: That's evidence!

Mike: He tortures them until they beg to die.

Mike: Jesus Christ! What happened to him?

Woman P.I.: I don't think he got electrocuted.

[Terry sneaks up behind Mike]

Mike: Jesus!

Terry: Actually, Terry Houston. Department of Health.

Mike: You can't bluff someone who's not paying attention.

Mike: Wait, wait, wait. What is this? What are you gonna do to me? What are you fronting off about? And if I'm this bad dude, why don't I just take out some gun, blow you to a billion parts?

Dr. Margaret Ford: I'll tell you why. Cuz I think you're just a bully.

Mike: [chuckles] Just a bully? What, you're not gonna let me carry your books? Aren't you a caution.

Dr. Margaret Ford: Let's talk turkey, pal.

Mike: It's called a confidence game. Why? Because you give me your confidence? No. Because I give you mine.

Joey: The bitch is a booster.

Mike: The bitch is a born thief, man.

Mr. Dean: So, you had her made from the jump?

Mike: I'm tellin' ya. A ton of fuckin' bricks! Show me some REAL con-men.

Joey: Yeah, we showed her some con-men.

Mike: We showed her some DINOSAUR con-men. Some old style.

Joey: Yes, sir.

Mike: Years from now, they're gonna have to go to a museum to see a frame like this.

Joey: That's right.

Mr. Dean: Took her money and screwed her, too.

Mike: A small price to pay.

Mike: I'm from the United States of kiss-my-ass.

Mike: Oh, you're a bad pony. And I'm not gonna bet on you.

Dr. Margaret Ford: You took my money.

Mike: How naughty of me.

Mike: You see, in my trade, this is called - what you did - you cracked out of turn. Huh? You see? You crumbed the play.

Mike: Hey, fuck you! This is what you always wanted, you crooked bitch! You thief! You always need to get caught, 'cos you know you're bad. I never hurt anybody, I never shot anybody. You sought this out. This is what you always wanted. I knew it the first time you came in. You're worthless, you know it? You're a whore. You came back like a dog to its own vomit You sick bitch - I'm not gonna give you shit.

Mike: You say I acted atrociously. Yes. I did. I do it for a living.

Mike: Did I ever tell you my name? My name is Mike.

Dr. Margaret Ford: Glad to meet you.

Mike: Well, I'm glad to meet you, too.

Dr. Margaret Ford: I have a proposition for you.

Mike: And what's YOUR name?

Mike: I read a book once which said this: If you're fired from your job, when you're going home, take something. A pencil... Something to assert yourself. Take a memento. Take something from life.

Mike: I think you're bluffin', pal. I think you're trying to BUY it!

George: Then you're gonna have to give me some respect, or give me some money.

Mike: What'd you do, win again?

George: That's right. If you wanna win the hand, you've gotta stay in 'til the end.

The businessman: Mike, you are the ring-tail rounder. You are King Kong.

Mike: One riot, one ranger.

Mr. Dean: You put that bitch in the panic bag.

Mike: Hey, baby, this is my road game.

The businessman: What's next?

Mr. Dean: Mike, how did you know she was gonna go for it?

Mike: Go for it? Hey, the broad's an addict!

Mike: [after being shot] Thank you, sir. May I have another?

Mike: Everybody gets something out of every transaction.

Mike: What I'm talking about comes down to a more basic philosophial principle: Don't trust nobody.

[after the con has failed due to Margaret noticing water dripping from the gun]

George: Told you a squirt gun wouldn't work.

Mike: A squirt gun would've worked- you didn't have to fill it!

Mike: You're not miffed at us, are ya?

Betty: [Referring to Stevens] How's the tough guy? Is he behaving?

Mike: He's talking business. He wants to make a deal. He thinks his life is worth money.

Betty: [Contemptuously] How much did he offer... two bucks?

Chris: I Can't on sunday, Mike.

Mike: We never see you anymore. What is it with you two? Still in your honeymoon? Too fucking busy, or too busy fucking?

[last lines]

Mike: I purge myself after every smoke... I'm a professional

Harry Burnham: Well I've brought along a little insurance

[shoots her dead]

Danny Dunckelman: What do you want to do? It's your time. Paid for already, and in my little agenda book.

Mike: For starters, I've hear nothing from my skins. No one's called me. No ones...

Danny Dunckelman: [interrupting] Your skins? Who are they? Hmm? Your boys in boots. Your tribe of ill-educated, white trash, sons of bitches. Who have as their strictly...

Mike: [moving threateningly, talking over him] Be careful what you say.

Danny Dunckelman: ...the annihilation of the memory of a people who have already been killed once. Who want to shit on the graves of my ancestors. Yeah, who would prefer to wipe out my race for nothing more than blood sport. Because they are too stupid to make a go of it for themselves in the best possible part of the entire world.

Danny Dunckelman: [in ending the first meeting with his neo-Nazi client] Do you have any reason for wanting me on this?

Mike: Like I said: you're a humanist, liberal Jew, so you gotta do your very best.

Danny Dunckelman: Oh, yes, that's right... 'Course. I forgot.

[uneasy chuckle]

Mike: In an ideal world, I'd have you eliminated. In this world I need you more than anyone.

Mike: [narrating] I feel like I'm in heaven. In the month that follows, I have everything that Yum King Tin possesses. Everyone of Hung Hing takes me as an idol. But I wonder why I'm still a cop.

[after Mike become a well-known gangster]

Chung: Mike you... you've changed a lot.

Mike: Right. I've grown two inches taller.

Rocky: Hey, yo, Mike, whose lock is this? Whose stuff is this in my locker?

Mike: It's Dipper's stuff. It ain't your locker no more.

Rocky: Whatta ya talkin' about it ain't my locker no more? It's been my locker for six years. Where's my gear?

Mike: Mickey told me to bag it. Hang it.

Rocky: You put my stuff on skid row? I been in that locker six years; you put my stuff in a bag on skid row?

Mike: Mickey tells me what to do. I gotta do it, right, Rock?

Rocky: Where is he?

Mike: Working with Dipper. He's in a baaad mood.

Rocky: So am I.

Mike: Hi Johnny, what's going on?

Johnny: Oh hai Mike, what's new?

Mike: Oh, actually Johnny, I got a, I got a little bit of a, tragedy.

Johnny: Uh-huh.

Mike: On my hands... yeah. Me and... Michelle, we were... we were making out, uh, in your place?

Johnny: Hahaha.

Mike: And, Lisa and Claudette sort of, uh, walked in on us. In the middle of it. That's not the end of the story.

Johnny: Go on, I'm listening.

Mike: OK. We're go-we're going at it, and um, I get out of there as fast as possible, you know, I-I get my pants, I get my shirt, and I get out of there. And then about halfway down the stairs I realise that I, I have misplaced, I have forgotten, something.

Johnny: Mmm-mmm.

Mike: Uh... my underwear.

Johnny: Hahaha.

Mike: So, pft, so I come back to get it, you know, I pretend I need a book...

Johnny: Uh-huh.

Mike: I'm looking for my book, and I-I-I reach in and put the underwear in my pocket ready to slide out real quick?

Johnny: Uh-huh.

Mike: Well Claudette, she saw it, sticking out, of my pocket?

Johnny: Uh-huh.

Mike: She pulls it out, and she's showing everybody... me underwears.

Johnny: You must be kidding, underwear, I got the picture.

Mike: Yeah, I don't know what to do.

Johnny: That's life!

Mike: I have to go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her.

Mike: Did you, uh, know... that chocolate... is the symbol of love?

Michelle: Mmm... feed me.

Frankie: What's the time now?

Mike: Same as when you asked two minutes ago.

Frankie: Well it can't be the same time if two minutes have passed, can it.

Geoff: It's three thirty-two, then.

Geoff: So what? You're gonna go home to an empty house and fuck the maid like you did last Easter.

Mike: You haven't seen the maid.

Mike: For me, all for me. I killed my best friend, you let me think I was going to die, and you watched me kill my best friend. I killed him for a fucking coke! You let Frankie die! You held her hand and you let her die.

Frankie: But why? I mean why would he do this to us? We're his friends!

Mike: Are we? Is he really your friend, Frankie? I know he's not mine. Think about it- I don't know a thing about Martyn.

Mike: And then there's all those exciting exams to look forward to.

Frankie: Way to look on the positive side.

Mike: No, no, no. I've got a hard-on for these exams, they're great.

Geoff: You've got a hard-on for everything.

Mike: Not for you, mate.

[Frankie fakes being sick after Liz holds up her cue card]

Elizabeth Dunn: I'm really worried about her. She needs a doctor.

Mike: Well, that's obvious. I thought you were supposed to be smart.

[Liz holds up the 'Toilet' cue card]

Geoff: I bet it's that dirty toilet water that's making her ill.

Elizabeth Dunn: It's not my fault.

Geoff: Yes. It. Is.

[everyone restrains laughter]

[the King, completely drunk and furious, catches Mike and Bobby watching TV late at night]

The King: [furious] Hey! What are ya doin' up? Go to bed! Go to bed!

The King: [to Bobby] Not you!

Mike: Yeah, but...

The King: [cuts Mike off] Bobby, come here! Mikey, you go to bed. Bobby, you come here!

Mike: But I wanna stay...

The King: [cuts him off again] GO TO BED! Come here, Bobby. Come HERE! Come here.

[the King grabs and pulls Bobby towards him potentially to abuse him; Shane, the family dog, growls whilst Mikey cries]

The King: [yells] What did I tell ya? What did I tell ya? Why don't you listen to me? Why don't ever listen to what I TELL YOU TO DO? GET TO BED, YOU LITTLE SON-OF-A-BITCH!

[a few minutes later, Bobby, in tears, walks into the room]

Bobby: [to Mike] We can't stay up so late anymore.

Anna: [reads from a book] In 1857, it's estimated there were 80,000 prostitutes in the county of London.

Mike: Yeah?

Anna: Out of every 60 houses, one was a brothel.

Mike: Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Anna: At a time when the male population of London of all ages was one and a quarter million, the prostitutes were receiving clients at a rate of two million per week.

Mike: Two million?

Mike: Come on doll, don't play hard to get.

Mike: Where d'you learn to drive like this?

Colin Smith: Me cousin had a milk round.

Mike: That's five bob up the spout.

Colin Smith: Share and share alike. All for one and one for all, united we stand, divided we fall.

Mike: You're a bloody poet, aren't you.

Mike: I love you, Joey.

Joey: Why do you stick with me? I give you nothing but grief!

Pearl: I prefer a warmer climate. I even lived in Australia for a year with my sister Faye, when Adam died, but I went nuts! Its dead there.

Mike: I was in Sydney Australia once.

Pearl: Was I lying? Did you like it?

Mike: Well it was just a vacation you know. I was only there a coupla days.

Pearl: Lucky. It's like a morgue. Nothing to do at night; no pizzazz. I couldn't take that.

Mike: Who are you? I mean really.

Arthur Newman: I guess I've always been Arthur Newman. Life just forced another individual on me.

[last lines]

Mike: Bye, Wallace.

Arthur Newman: Don't worry, I know where to find you.

Harvey: Why don't we just go somewhere, and ask somebody for some help?

Mike: This isn't Nebraska. There isn't any service station down the road. There isn't any phone. If there were, the long-distance rates would be something else.

Mike: Come on, cap, we done built your stockade for you. Show a little appreciation, have a drink with the help.

Jim: What if it attacks us outside the stockage? Are we going to let it pick the time and place it decides to kill us? We've got to hunt it down now in its lair, and kill it.

Derna Lee: Jim, you're crazy. How are we going to kill a thing that big. That gun wouldn't even kill the little beast.

Jim: It's an animal. A dumb animal. We're rational thinking human beings, we'll find a way.

Mike: No. No! We shouldn't risk any more lives just because you want to play Tarzan.

Nyla: You fools. Jim's right, what are we going to do, sit around her like cattle in a pen waiting for that thing to come get us? Millions of years ago on Earth, an ape, an APE, took a club and killed his first predator. Well, we've gotta kill that thing, or... or that something inside of us, that dignity that makes us human, fear is going to kill that!

Mike: It was a hunting call. Something out there is carnivorous. And it sounds very, very hungry.

Mike: Are you afraid of me?

Derna Lee: Should I be?

Mike: I'm just another guy.

Derna Lee: But what if you're the last one?

Mike: Yeah! We're alive and we're safe... and we're shipwrecked. Two outta three ain't bad.

Mike: It says here the government guarantees this product contains an... an adult's daily requirement of vitamins, minerals, and protein. It enables a person to complete his daily task with strength, energy... a-and a cheerful attitude. Funny, I don't feel a bit cheerful.

Artie: I thought I was never gonna see you again.

Mike: Hi. Long time no see. Should I get the nurse?

Artie: No. What are you still doing here?

Mike: I was waiting for you to wake up.

Artie: Thanks so much for helping me out. I'm - I'm very, very grateful.

Mike: Your welcome. Artie, listen to me. I want you to know something. I forgive you.

Artie: Huh?

Mike: You understand? It's over. I forgive you for everything.

[Artie starts to cry and Mike kisses his forehead, sniffling as well, then he sees Artie's son, Paul]

Mike: Looks like there's someone here to see you.

[leaves]

Mary Ann Robinson: Why do you want me to stay?

Mike: You're my last chance.

Mary Ann Robinson: I'm what?

Mike: I said, you're my last chance.

Mike: Don't try to jump again!

Mike: Why don't you stay here?

Mary Ann Robinson: I have to go to work tomorrow.

Mike: How much do you make at the Five and Ten?

Mary Ann Robinson: Enough for me. Let me go now.

Mike: Well, I'll pay you whatever you make at the Five and Ten and you can stay here. It won't cost you anything.

Mary Ann Robinson: [yelling] Why do you want me to stay here?

Mike: If it weren't for me you'd be at the bottom of the river!

[pause]

Mike: You can't complain.

Mike: You're getting thinner all the time. You look like a ghost.

Mary Ann Robinson: If I went out sometimes I'd be less pale.

Mike: Sometimes I think you're hopeless.

Mary Ann Robinson: [incredulous that Mike has just proposed to her] You don't know who I am!

Mike: [perfectly sincere] Who are you?

Mike: I know you're not going to believe this, but these things were here, right in the garage, and they were going to get me!

Jody: Aww, give me a break, would you?

Mike: They were jumping on the car and making these weird sounds!

Jody: You're sure it wasn't that retarded kid, Timmy, up the street?

Mike: No, it was the same thing that chased me last night!

Jody: What's out there?

Mike: I don't know. It was little, brown and low to the ground.

Jody: Ahh, it was probably just a gopher in heat.

Reggie: Okay. I see it, I see it all now. What we gotta do is we gotta snag that tall dude and stomp the shit out of him, and we'll find out what the hell is going on up there. Yeah! We lay that sucker out flat and drive a stake right through his goddamn heart!

Mike: You gotta be shittin' me, man! That mother's strong!

Mike: First he took mom and dad, then he took Jody, now he's after me.

Reggie: Mike, that tall man of yours did not take Jody away. Jody died in a car wreck.

Mike: There's this door down here, and I bet there's something behind it.

Reggie: Hey, guys.

Mike: Reggie! You ain't dead!

Reggie: No, and I ain't three-foot-two yet either!

Mike: [upon seeing the Tall Man] Uuuumm...

Dr. Lao: My specialty is wisdom. Do you know what wisdom is?

Mike: No sir.

Dr. Lao: Wise answer.

[an evening heart-to-heart between Dr. Lao and Mike]

Dr. Lao: Mike, let me tell you something. The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it. The way the sun goes down when you're tired, comes up when you want to be on the move. That's real magic. The way a leaf grows. The song of the birds. The way the desert looks at night, with the moon embracing it. Oh, my boy, that's... that's circus enough for anyone. Every time you watch a rainbow and feel wonder in your heart. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand. Every time you stop and think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic!" Every time such a thing happens, you're part of the Circus of Dr. Lao.

Mike: I don't understand.

Dr. Lao: Neither do I.

Mike: Are you an acrobat?

Dr. Lao: Only philosophically.

Mike: How old are you?

Dr. Lao: I believe I will tell you. I am seven thousand, three hundred and twenty-two years old... this October.

Xavier: Why are you even going to the march?

Wendell: Niggas and cars, cars and niggas. Niggas need cars like cars need niggas. I gotta make me some money. You think I'm gonna miss out on all that networking, shit nigga you must be crazy. I got a joke for ya, nigga: What do you get when you cross a million lesbians and the million man march?

Jay: Ok, what do you get when you cross one million lesbians and the million man march?

Wendell: Two million mother-fuckers who don't do dick.

[laughs]

Wendell: You niggas somethin' else.

[Pointing at everybody]

Wendell: Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, all you niggas!

Mike: Hey Wendell, I got a joke for you: What do they call a black man with a Lexus dealership?

Wendell: What?

Mike: Nigga.

[Wendell is thrown off the bus with his coat following]

Jay: Nigga need Coat like Coat need Nigga!

Richie: How's that beer treating you, beer snob?

Mike: Better than my own piss.

Wade: You can drink that, by the way. Yours, hers, hers, mine, yours. I swear to God, piss is sterile.

Amanda: For the record, you will never drink my piss.

Wade: That's what you think.

Mike: [on phone] Yo! Jimmy James. What's up buddy? It's Mike. Listen man, I'm outside. I got here early. Uh, just decided to come out and you know... just be here for you as soon as I possibly could, because you know how I like to wait on you hand and fucking foot...

[object suddenly is shot through his windshield]

Mike: [getting out of car] What the fuck?

Mike: They're pretending to be alive...

Riley: Isn't that what we're doing? Pretending to be alive?

Mike: It's like a bad dream.

Charlie: I have bad dreams. Hell, yes. Just look at me, you can tell I have terrible dreams.

Mike: [mock-lecturing his fellow crew members] The icepick method. Insert a thin metal pipette into the orbital frontal cortex. Enter the soft tissue of the frontal lobe. A few simple, smooth, up-and-down jerks sever the lateral hypothalamus... all resulting in a rapid reduction of stress for our little patient here. Total time elapsed? Two minutes. Only side-effect? Black eye. Recommended treatment? Sunglasses.

Mike: He came into her room at night wearing a black robe. He'd take her and drive her to a wooded area where her grandparents and her mother were, and they'd all have black robes on. They'd take them off and group orgies would ensue... and then they'd bring out the newborn. She was forced to watch as her mother would cut the baby's heart out with a stone dagger. She'd drink the blood; others would eat the flesh. The grandfather and father would fuck her repeatedly. She was forced to have abortions and cook the aborted fetuses.

Mike: Satanic Ritual Abuse Syndrome. It was big in the '80s.

Jeff: What's up with Phil and Hank?

Mike: What's up with Phil and Hank?

[pause]

Mike: Hank stole Phil's girlfriend! It's a nightmare! You don't wanna get involved! You especially don't want to get on Phil's bad side, he'll give you all the grunt work.

Mike: I need you to go downstairs and check the breaker box.

Jeff: ...I can't do that.

Mike: Why?

Jeff: I got nyctophobia.

Mike: What?

Jeff: Fear of the dark.

Mike: [incredulous] Okay...

[pause]

Mike: I'll go check the breaker box. You... just try not to break anything, okay Mullet-head?

Phil: You think I'm doing a bad job, Mike?

Mike: [indifferently, reading an old asylum journal] No, you're doing fine.

Phil: This used to be a great deal. Steady gigs, joking around, beers after work...

Mike: Hey, look, it says here that eight were committed for "uncontrolled passion."

Phil: [irritably] Then Emma came... Don't look at me like that, man. You know that's why we lost the last two gigs. He's tired, and he overbid.

Mike: [defensively] Gordon loves being a father.

Phil: [his voice rising] Yeah, *now* he does. *Now* he loves it. But it was *never* in his heart. This was all *Wendy's* idea.

Mike: Look, Phil. Just because you say you don't want something doesn't mean you don't want it. Six years ago, I didn't want to be a lawyer, but now I'm thinking...

Phil: Wait. Who the fuck are you kidding? You shuck fiber with us, in there, okay? But that's - that's not what I am talking about.

[With growing anger]

Phil: I am talking about fatherhood. It's screwing this guy's head up, and it's fucking his job up. At the very least, he should've canned Hank's ass six months ago, and you know it! What are *you* looking at? Where do you think you're going, Mike?

Mike: [Talking about Jeff] Little mullethead... eh, he might be party in the back but I'll make sure he's business in the front!

Mike: [after being attacked by the demon] Fuck you, Ryan! I wanted to stay at mom's!

Margaret: Mike, I don't like this.

Mike: Nothing to worry about. It's only your imagination.

Ed Jr.: [while eating] That wasn't so bad.

Mike: [burps]

Ed Jr.: That was.

Nathan Hayes: How's the well coming?

Mike: Well, I'm hoping to hook up sometime tomorrow.

[last lines]

Steve Benton: [referring to explosives] Alright. Let her go.

Mike: Oh no. I've done enough of your dirty work. Help yourself.

Mike: Cocaine and porno! Right on man!

Mike: They selling human flesh as fish bait

Mike: We don't know anything about this creature other than it, like everyone else, hates a mouth full of shaving cream.

Mike: That ought to stop it for now. No one likes a mouth full of shaving cream.

Mike: Are you okay?

Doreen: My head.

Mike: I don't think you broke your head.

Doreen: You really think there's something out there trying to kill us?

[Something inside the house breaks]

Mike: No, now it may be inside.

Doreen: Where's Jim?

Mike: He's melting in the other room.

Mike: If we can confuse the creature enough to beat the crap out of itself we could get close enough to axe it.

Stacy: This feels like mud.

Mike: It is mud. Dirt and water make mud. You learn something new every day.

[Stacy is vulnerable to an attack from the creature]

Mike: Is someone paying you to stand by an open window? There are some razor blades in the corner you can play with if you like.

Mike: Name a horror movie - ANY horror movie.

Mike: Oh great, it controls minds, it eats people, it reproduces!

Mike: This part reminds me of 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers.'

Stacy: How did they kill them?

Mike: They didn't.

[from trailer]

Mike: I have absolutely no interest in participating in any of the holiday festivities. It's just a giant smokescreen so that people can eat a lot and forget all about the history of the pilgrims and... stuff.

[from trailer]

Admiral Pike: By the time the two of you are cleansed I will have enough soldiers for the entire human race to be extinct.

Mike: Really?... Just us two?

Mike: He's an expert. I'm an expert too... in Judo.

Luke: Do you really believe the story that this place is worth more burnt to the ground?

Mike: No... but I believe that good people will do bad things when they're desperate.

Mike: Night People. Outsiders, loners, freaks, weirdos and criminals. People who dance on the fine line between the accepted norms of society. Night people... like us.

Sean: Goodbye, bro...

Mike: We're not fuckin' leaving him, Sean! What would we say, he just died out here?

Mike: That's just not necessary.

Mike: You think you're gonna die...

Sean: No, I don't.

Mike: Yeah, you do.

Sean: It's just that... He's everywhere!

Mike: I don't! There's no way im dying out here. I'm not lettin' that morherfucker get to me. No way!

Mike: Mofucka look at me again, I'm gonna punch him in de mouf!

Mike: Do you swing?

[after tying up his wife]

Mike: You haven't exactly been yourself lately, Diane.

Sally Potter: Are you a Stray Cat?

Mike: No, I'm a roadie.

Sally Potter: Roadie sounds like some sort of vagrant. What is that exactly?

Mike: It's like an army batman, only without the uniform. I make sure there's enough beer, chips and rubbers to go round. I supply the birds, the pills and the pot. And anything else that might be required to satisfy their lust... carnal, or otherwise.

Mike: You'll like Bath... better class of fuck in Bath.

Jerry: Oh, Junior would you accompain this young lady?

Tony Romano: Anytime, anyplace and anywhere!

Mike: Just a second, he means on the guitar!

Tony Romano: Oh, well. It will still be a pleasure.

Mike: What, you think I'm not cut out for a little action? You think I'm not up for it? What?

John: I think you're a goddamn idiot, that's what I think.

Mike: Hey, let go of me.

John: Do you know what's the worst thing that can happen to me? Do you? It's to send me back. For another nine fuckin' months. D'you know the whole time I was there we never once did what we were told we'd be doing, build roads and schools? D'you know what it's like to feel like a fuckin' bully all the time? 'Cause that's what you gotta do to stay alive.

Sylvia: You always wanted to be like him and now... You remind me of him so much.

Mike: How come?

Sylvia: You've lost that glitter in your eyes.

Mike: Eat me!

Fin Griffen: I've never been that hungry in my life!

Mr. Borden: Well, Michael, there seems to be a touch of spring in the air.

Mike: Yes sir, that's something even the poor people can enjoy.

Mike: You get my goat!

Mary Grey: Where'd you get it in the first place?

Mike: [after being uestioned by the family about Borden's activities] The nocturnal meanderings of the upper class do not interest me!

Tim Borden: Might as well be civil!

Mike: [Haughtily] Only when civil liberties are in danger.

Mary Grey: Why don't you stop shooting off your mouth until you know what you're talking about.

Mike: Well, if there weren't people like those in there, there wouldn't be people like me.

Mary Grey: There'd be people like you no matter what happens.

Mike: You're blaming me?

Mary Grey: I'm blaming you for being a dope! You're in love and you haven't enough spunk to fight for the thing you want.

Mike: I won't listen to such nonsense.

Mary Grey: You try to make everyone else unhappy. You try to make people believe things you don't even believe yourself.

Mike: So! You know all about me.

Mary Grey: You're like a pane of glass to me, brother. You haven't the courage to be a capitalist yourself so you try to drag everybody else down to where you are.

Mike: You're a capitalistic pawn.

Mary Grey: I'm a what?

Mike: You're a renegade to your class!

Mary Grey: You can't talk to me that way and get away with it!

Mike: I shall never forget my proletariat beginnings! Come on, babe.

Mike: It's slavery being a cook. Slavery.

Sid: It'll do you good. When I was your age, we worked...

Mike, Jean Abbot: We worked from 6 in the morning till 10 at night!

Sid: Very comical!

Mike: [pointing to the car] Bought it.

Sid: I thought I had, too!

Devon Wells: Man, I can't believe people are actually cheering this guy. I mean what kind of a catch phrase is, "Yeah, I have a shovel."

Mike: Must be a lot of people from Oakville here.

Devon Wells: Man, I betcha that guy's not even from Oakville

Mike: [looking at the warning sign in Arabic letters in his hand] In the last forty years, there have been eight thousand declared conflicts. There's thirty three million landmines buried in this area.

Tommy Madison: [smiles widely in disbelief, then chuckles] Landmines? Oh I like it when you get optimistic, Mike.

Mike: [doesn't say anything but carefully scans the area with his eyes]

Tommy Madison: Okay, now you listen Mr. Wikipedia. You can find all kinds of stuff in the desert. Look at the condition that sign is in, okay, who knows where this is from or what it really says. Mike. Don't get paranoid. Don't let that thing mess with your head.

Mike: I'm just reviewing our options.

Tommy Madison: We do have two options because we are such lucky guys. Now we can turn around and die of thirst. Or, we can get to that village within the hour, Mike. I know which option I'm taking.

Tommy Madison: Watch out.

[points behind Mike]

Mike: [shoots at feral dogs in the dark] I don't have ammo to kill them all.

Tommy Madison: You're right; you're gonna have to try the maneuver.

Mike: What maneuver?

Tommy Madison: The maneuver, the damn Shuman maneuver!

Mike: You gotta be kidding; that'll never work!

Tommy Madison: If all the dogs attack you at once, they're gonna knock you over and the mine's gonna explode. Now hurry up, we got no time.

Mike: [starts untying his left boot]

Tommy Madison: That's it, now you pin your sole to that ground. It should work. The mine sensor won't immediately register the change of pressure.

Mike: [looks up at Tommy doubtfully] You ever hear about this work in real life?

[in intermittent flashback as Mike is struggling to reach the flare in the desert]

Jenny: [knighting Mike with a ladle in the kitchen] Do you thus pay homage to our crown and swear fealty on our realm?

Mike: [on one knee, smiling, then serious] Your highness, I hereby swear to be a courageous knight, reverent and courteous, always... champion of truth, and justice. I hereby swear to be honest, and good. I swear to protect our realm, and I swear this before you, my Princess.

Jenny: [smiling, eyes tearing up with excitement] Yes.

Mike: [still on one knee looking up at Jenny, confused] Yes what?

Jenny: [stops smiling as understanding sets in her facial expressions, then smiles sadly] Yes, you will be a courageous...

[caresses Mike's face]

Jenny: ... courageous knight.

[stops smiling and walks away tearfully]

Mike: [over radio] So what's the plan? Over.

Comander Barton: There's a convoy pinned down by fire from a group of guerillas just over the border. If everything goes well, they should be passing by your current location in about 52 hours, Sergeant. Over.

Mike: [closes eyes in exasperation] Sir, with all due respect, if everything goes well, I don't know if I can survive for 52 hours like this. Over.

Comander Barton: Get ready to signal your position when the time comes. We'll try to contact you via radio to make sure you're... still there. Over.

Mike: So that's it? What about all that "no man left behind" business? Over.

Comander Barton: Listen, Sergeant Stevens. As far as we know, the type of landmines scattered over the area can remain active for up to 40 years, but 10 years after they're produced, depending on certain variables, there's a 4% chance of their malfunctioning. 15 years after production, malfunction levels reach as high as 7%.

Mike: [under his breath] Great.

Comander Barton: Given the scenario, my personal advice, should you not be able to resist for long in the desert for any reason, is to try the Shuman maneuver.

Mike: The *Shuman maneuver*, Major? Over.

Comander Barton: It is a last resort. Digging a small trench to take cover from the explosion. If you make the sole of your boot stick to the ground, and raise your feet sideways...

[static interferes]

Mike: Major? Major? Over.

Comander Barton: The damages caused by the shock waves would be limited to non-vital limb loss...

[voice is cut off by static]

Mike: [scoffs in disbelief] Shuman maneuver, my ass.

Mike: My next step will be my last...

Mike: Mayday, mayday, Alpha Margot 4 to Hogsden... Do you copy? Over.

[static on radio]

Mike: Mayday, mayday, Alpha Margot 4 to Hogsden... Do you copy? Over.

Comander Barton: Base camp here. We've been looking for you for hours, Alpha Margot, over.

Mike: [closes eyes in relief] Copy you, Hogsden. Sir my partner was killed in action, and I'm in critical condition requesting immediate extract with E.O.D. Over.

Comander Barton: Define critical, staff sergeant. Over.

Mike: I stepped on an explosive ordinance, Sir. It's the same kind that killed my spotter.

Hugh: Yeah, we're in a different reality because the reality where I am from, my best friend didn't sleep with my wife.

Mike: Hugh, do you not understand what I'm saying? This all started tonight, and if there are a million different realities, I have slept with your wife in every one of them.

Mike: No, we're not splitting up. We're just gonna go in two different groups.

Mike: This whole night we've been worrying... there's some dark version of us out there somewhere. What if we're the dark version?

Mike: If we're collapsing right now, I'm gonna collapse on them. I'm not gonna wait for them to collapse on us.

Hugh: Whoa, whoa, Mike.

Mike: I'll go over there and I'll just kill 'em.

Mike: Let's have a drink.

[Betty is on the phone with Mike]

Mike: So you don't feel like coming up and swimming with me?

Betty: How about tomorrow night?

Mike: You know I can't plan that far in advance.