Mickey Quotes in RocknRolla (2008)

Rocker: [interrupting Mickey's phone call] The dry ice, Mickey, I need the fucking dry ice! My show just doesn't work without it!

Mickey: If you'd asked me yesterday for dry ice, I would've got you the driest ice the world could have, but you didn't ask me for no dry ice. You asked me for two cases of Johnny Walker Black Label and four ladies of the pole. And I got them for you, didn't I?

Rocker: Yes. Yes, you did, I do confess. But Mickey, you're the manager, I'm the rocker. You've got on the hat. Why not just pull something out of it?

Mickey: My hat is deep and full of magic. I got rabbits, handkerchiefs, and ladies of the pole drinking Black Label; I got smoke machines, bubble machines, I even got love marines, and still the hat goes deeper. All right? But there AIN'T no motherfuckin' dry ice!

Rocker: Okay. You made your point. But tomorrow, might be quite nice to have some dry ice.

Mickey: Aw, Crank, you're taking all the fun out of the afterlife.

Crank: Shove the afterlife up your ass.

Stump: [climbing out the truck] Whoa, leg's asleep!

Crank: Dick's asleep.

Mickey: Wanna wake it up?

Crank: Nah, that's your daddy's job.

Mickey: How much longer are we gonna be doing this, man? I'm about to pee in my pants.

Eddie: So shoot it out the window, man. Christ, just use your head.

Mickey: Not a bad idea. Good news, America. Coming through. Hey, it's chilly out here.

Mickey: Rain from heaven, Maricon!

Mickey: Leo, you're not saying Tyler killed Ellen Keith, Adams, and DeFranco all in one night?

Leo McCarthy: Hm. I don't believe it, either.

Mickey: [pointing at one of Rollie's movie props] 'I Dismember Mama'.

Wally: I just wish I could teach them something besides boot-blacking.

Mickey: What's the matter with boot-blacking? We both like it very much! Right Kimmy?

Johnny: What's the matter with you, Mickey? This might be dangerous!

Mickey: I'm not afraid. If you are, go on home.

Mickey: One day, I'll drive a car as fine as the one he drives.

[referring to Prince of Space]

Johnny: And I'll make clothes that glow.

Mickey: Big

[UNINTELLIGIBLE WORD]

Mickey: too!

Johnny: I've been watching all morning, but it's no use.

Mickey: Why not?

Johnny: I think he only comes around at night.

Mickey: Why?

Johnny: He's evil and evil people always come around at night.

Mickey: If nobody's watching, they'd even come in the daytime.

Korvin: We got a straggler.

Mickey: I got it. boss. Looks like we got Elvis in here, huh?

Mickey: She took my shot! Take my shot, I'm gonna take this guys jacket.

[Pee-Wee looks at Mickey's hand as he is wearing one handcuff]

Pee-wee: What did you do?

Mickey: Well, I lost my temper and I took a knife and I uh-. Do you know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses?

Pee-wee: Yeah.

Mickey: Well I CUT one of them off!

Pee-wee: Jee.

Mickey: Yeah, I have a real bad temper.

Pee-wee: Boy, I always thought that was the dumbest law.

Mickey: [comes out of the window of a prison bus after seeing the first part of Pee-wee's movie] Great so far, Pee-wee. Action-packed!

Pee-wee Herman: [hands Mickey his refreshments] One soda. One foot-long.

Policeman #2: Hold it.

[he sees a small metal file and picks it out of the footlong]

Mickey: Good try, Pee-wee.

Pee-wee Herman: Look, Mickey!

Mickey: [after seeing a scene in the movie with Pee-wee] Wow! That's fantastic, Pee-wee!

Pee-wee Herman: Thanks!

Pee-wee: Life can be so unfair.

Mickey: You telling ME?

Capt. Gates: [referring to those aboard the downed submarine] I hope they understood it.

Mickey: If I did - they did!

[Last lines]

Mickey: Go, Silver, go!

Mickey: I'll tell you what, if our school was this nice I would go there more than once a week.

Mickey: Shit happens alright? Shit fucking happens... christ!

Pedro: Yo, you think that'll keep him out of Heaven?

Mickey: What are you, kidding me? Jesus Christ himself would of laughed at that, it was hillarious.

Mickey: Good dags. D'ya like dags?

Tommy: Dags?

Mickey: What?

Mrs. O'Neil: Yeah, dags.

Tommy: Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.

Gorgeous George: Get back down or you will not be coming up next time.

[watches as Mickey warms up]

Gorgeous George: Oh, bollocks to you. This is sick. I'm out of here.

Mickey: You're not going anywhere, you thick lump.

[Pulls off his shirt]

Mickey: You stay until the job's done.

[kisses his good luck charms and knocks Gorgeous out with a single punch]

Turkish: [narrating] It turned out that the sweet-talking, tattoo-sporting pikey was a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him harder than a coffin nail. Right now, that's the last thing on Tommy's mind. If Gorgeous doesn't wake up in the next few minutes, Tommy knows he'll be buried with him. Why would the gypsies go through the trouble of explaining why a man died in their campsite when they can bury the pair of them and just move camp? It's not like they got social security numbers, is it? Tommy - the tit - is praying. And if he isn't, he fucking should be.

Turkish: Well, do you want to do it?

Mickey: That depends.

Turkish: On what?

Mickey: On you buying this caravan. Not the rouge one, the rose.

Turkish: It's not the same caravan.

Mickey: It's not the same fight.

Turkish: It's twice the fucking size of the last one.

Mickey: Turkish, the fight is twice the size. And me ma still needs a caravan. I like to look after me ma. It's a fair deal. Take it.

Turkish: Mickey, you're lucky we aren't worm food after your last performance. Buying a tart's mobile palace is a little fucking rich.

[Realizes his mistake]

Turkish: I wasn't calling your mum a tart. I just meant...

Mickey: Ah, save your breath for cooling your porridge. Now, look...

Mickey: She wants the Hector-2 roof lights, uh... the stylish ash-framed furniture and the scatter cushions with the matching shag pile covering.

Mickey: Right. And she's terrible partial to the periwinkle blue, boys. Have I made myself clear, boys?

Turkish: Yeah, that's perfectly clear, Mickey. Yeah... just give me one minute to confer with my colleague.

[to Tommy]

Turkish: Did you understand a single word of what he just said?

Mickey: The deal was you bought it like you saw it. Hey, look, I've helped you as much as I'm going to help you. See that car? Just use it for you're not welcome anymore. You should fuck off now while you still got the legs to carry you.

Gorgeous George: Nobody...

Mickey: Nobody brings a fella the size of you unless they're trying to say something without talking, right boy?

Tommy: Sorry, Mickey. Just give our money back and you can keep the caravan.

Mickey: Why the fuck do I want a caravan that's got no fucking wheels?

[Gorgeous rushes Mickey]

Mickey: You want to settle this with a fight?

Mrs. O'Neil: Over my dead body! Now, go on! Go on! I'll not have you fighting! You know what happens when you fight.

Mickey: Get her to sit down. For fuck's sake! Want the money? I ain't fucked you. I'll fight you for it. You and me.

Mickey: I'll tell ya what. I'll do it for a caravan.

Turkish: For what?

Pikeys: For a caravan.

Tommy: It was us who wanted a caravan.

[looking around]

Tommy: Anyway, what's wrong with this one?

Mickey: It's not for me. It's for me ma.

Turkish: Your what?

Pikeys: His ma.

Mickey: [roused from his drunken stupor] I need to have a shite.

Turkish: I'm sorry, Mickey.

Mickey: Did ya do it? Then why are ya sorry?

Mickey: I'll bet you for it.

Tommy: You'll what?

Pikeys: HE'LL BET YOU FOR IT!

Turkish: What, like Tommy did last time? Do me a favour?

Mickey: I'll do you a favour. You have first bet. If I win, I get a caravan... and the boys get a pair of them shoes.

[the Pikeys laugh at Turkish and Tommy, who are wearing plastic bags around their shoes]

Mickey: If I lose... Oh fuck it, I'll do the fight for free.

Turkish: [narrating] Now the last thing I really wanna do is bet a pikey.

Mickey: I bet ya can box a little, can't ya sir? Aye, you look like a boxer.

Mickey: Deadly kick for a fat fucker, ya know that?

Gorgeous George: [throws Mickey into the fence] Cheeky bastard!

Dog: What the fuck is that?

Mickey: It's me bren gun.

Dog: Couldn't you have thought of something more practical?

[about to kill Willie with a machete]

Mickey: It's time to say goodnight, nurse!

Mickey: How'd you think I'm doing? He's fucking nearly chopped my arm off.

[after being attacked by Willie with a machete]

Mickey: [reading Dennis a story] How can a train grow?

Dennis: He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep.

Mickey: No, like, what's the point of reading lies?

Dennis: It teaches kids to eat all their food, and go to bed when they're supposed to, and not cry when mean cabooses and box cars make fun of him.

Mickey: Look's like Bugsy's eaten a lot of burgers in the last ten minutes.

Skeeter Bronson: Wow!

Mickey: He keeps going like that, we could make bacon out of Bugsy.

[Bugsy looks at them]

Skeeter Bronson: He's kidding, Bugsy. Take it easy.

Mickey: [after Skeeter has just thrown ketchup at him] you know what? Ketchup is GOOD for you! It exfoliates the skin, so who's the real victim here? YOU ARE!

Mickey: I can't read.

[Buggsy laughingly squeaks at him]

Mickey: Shut up, Buggsy. Yeah? I got opposable thumbs. How do you feel about that?

[Buggsy stops]

Skeeter Bronson: You mind sleeping over? I'm gonna duck out a few hours.

Mickey: Oh, yeah, yeah. Mmm. By the way, um... I am, uh, legally obliged to tell you that I suffer from... sleep panic disorder.

Skeeter Bronson: OK, what's, uh, sleep panic disorder?

Mickey: Believe me, you don't want to know.

Skeeter Bronson: *Mumbling*

Mickey: Jumping up and down on the alligator.

Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.

[Everybody else laughs]

Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.

Mickey: He needs the junior size.

Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.

Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

Pee Wee Morris: Yeah, that's just how I like 'em!

Mickey: You like 'em as long as they ain't dead.

Pee Wee Morris: I don't care if they're dead as long as they ain't too cold.

Mickey: Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky.

Bartender: Porky's busy.

Mickey: Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy.

Bartender: Pay me.

Mickey: [Firmly] I want to talk to Porky.

Bartender: [Shrugs] Okay, if that's what you want.

[Walks off laughing softly]

Mickey: [to the gang] See? You just got to show them who's boss.

Porky: [Coming down to the bar] Who's asking to see me?

Mickey: Mr. Porky, I am.

Porky: What do you want?

Mickey: Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen.

Porky: You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?

Mickey: [Thinks a second] An hour.

Porky: A whole hour. What do you got to spend? Bottle caps?

Mickey: Hundred bucks!

Porky: Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies.

[pause]

Porky: Go home, snot nose.

[Turns away]

Mickey: Porky, wait a minute.

Porky: [Turns back around] *Mister* Porky.

Mickey: Well, how many girls can we get for a hundred?

Porky: There's five of you, right?

[They all nod]

Porky: That's a lot of horny dicks. I'll let you have two girls for an hour, or three or a half-hour.

Mickey: That's all?

Porky: Hey, no one's forcing you, but it's a long ride back home and it's even longer with a hard on.

Mickey: Okay, okay, we'll take three for thirty minutes.

[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]

Billy: The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.

Tommy Turner: This is just the kind of thing you write off.

Pee Wee Morris: [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.

Tommy Turner: Again?

Pee Wee Morris: I got it last time.

Tommy Turner: [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.

Mickey: I'm going back to get that pig.

Meat: Yeah right, Mick.

Mickey: [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!

Sheriff Wallace: Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.

[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]

Sheriff Wallace: Where's your car, boy?

Mickey: [points to his Ford pick-up truck] Right there.

Sheriff Wallace: You from Seward County?

Mickey: Yeah.

Sheriff Wallace: Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.

Mickey: I don't have a busted headlight.

Sheriff Wallace: Don't have a busted headlight?

[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]

Mickey: [shocked] Shit!

Sheriff Wallace: That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!

Tommy Turner: I've got fifteen bucks.

Pee Wee Morris: I've got-I've got five.

Sheriff Wallace: You got five, you got fifteen, huh?

Meat: I've got twelve.

Tim: I think I got three.

Porky: [to his goons] Watch this.

[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]

Mickey: [grows angry] Goddamn it!

[Porky and his goons laughing]

Sheriff Wallace: You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?

Mickey: I've got ten.

Sheriff Wallace: Give it to me! Give me all you got.

[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]

Sheriff Wallace: Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?

Porky: Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.

Sheriff Wallace: You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!

[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]

Sheriff Wallace: Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?

Porky: [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.

Porky: [as the pig mobile pulls up behind the tow truck and they all get out, to Ted] I want those mosey little mothas arrested, and I mean like right now! Those boys just destroyed my night club.

Ted Jarvis: How'd they do that?

Porky: They've been coming in the last couple of weeks.

Ted Jarvis: Which ones?

Porky: [Points to Tim then Mickey] This one, and that little bastard back there!

Ted Jarvis: [Points to them himself] You mean this sixteen year old and this seventeen year old youngster were frequenting your establishment?

Sheriff Wallace: [Butts in] They've been coming in before! This ain't the first time, especially that little sun-of-a-bitch...

Porky: [Stops him, now uneasy] Look, we may have made a mistake. They're obviously youngsters.

Sheriff Wallace: What are you talking about, Pork?

Porky: [Quietly, emphasizing] They're youngsters!

Sheriff Wallace: [to Ted] No, look! Those boys just destroyed my station house! Destroyed two of my cars! I want them booked on felony charges of destruction of private property, and assault and battery!

Ted Jarvis: Now hold on, Sheriff.

Sheriff Wallace: "Hold on", my ass!

Ted Jarvis: [Brandishing his rifle] You're in *my* county now! I wonder what I could book you for.

[Looks over the car, then breaks one of the headlights with the butt of his rifle]

Mickey: [as everyone cheers and laughs] Get him, brother!

Ted Jarvis: [to Porky] Broken headlight. That's a $50 fine in Seward County.

Porky: [Pulls a $50 bill from his wad of cash] Got that right here.

[Ted then cocks his rifle and shoots the left front tire of the car, Porky is then seen clearing out his ear, then quietly to his brother]

Porky: Damn!

Ted Jarvis: Blown tire.

[Shrugs]

Ted Jarvis: That's too bad.

[Everyone laughs, he then shoots the radiator and we hear the pig whistle horn die]

Ted Jarvis: Broken radiator. This car's a mess.

[More laughter from the crowd; he then reloads and aims at the hood ornament from his hip]

Meat: [Leading the cheers] Do it! Do it!

[He does]

Porky: [Quietly throwing a fit] Daw shit!

Porky: Broken hood ornament. And questions?

Mickey: One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. Ya know I just felt that in a Godless universe I didn't wanna go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong, what if there is a God. I mean, after all nobody really knows that. Then I thought no, ya know maybe is not good enough, I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot.

[gun fires]

Mickey: All of a sudden the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger squeezed the trigger inadvertantly. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. Suddenly neighbors were pounding on the door, and I dunno the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door, I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused and my mind was racing a mile a minute. And I just knew one thing I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and clear my head. I remember very clearly I walked the streets, I walked and I walked I didn't know what was going through my mind, it all seemed so violent and unreal to me. I wandered for a long time on the upper west side, it must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding, and I had to sit down I went into a movie house. I didn't know what was playing or anything I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and the movie was a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film. I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself, I mean isn't it so stupid. Look at all the people up there on the screen, they're real funny, and what if the worst is true. What if there is no God and you only go around once and that's it. Well, ya know, don't you wanna be part of the experience? You know, what the hell it's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself, Jeez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And after who knows, I mean maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.

Mickey: A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store - I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might-ve stopped me - MIGHT'VE - is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle - you know - it would've been a blood bath.

Mickey: I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials.

[after learning Mickey is infertile]

Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?

Mickey: How could I ruin myself?

Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?

Mickey: You gonna start knockin' my hobbies?

[last lines]

Mickey: You know, I was talking to your father before, and I was telling him that it's ironic I, I - used to always have Thanksgiving with Hannah, and I never thought that I could love anybody else. And here it is years later and I'm married to you and completely in love with you. The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle, it really is, I - make a great story, I think, guy marries one sister, doesn't work out, many years later he winds up married to the other sister, it's. You know, to - how you gonna top that? Hmm.

Holly: Mickey.

Mickey: Mmm, what?

Holly: I'm pregnant.

Mickey: And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Mickey: I'm afraid once they're done singing they're gonna take hostages!

Mickey: [watching joggers in Central Park] Look at all these people, trying to stave off the inevitable decay of their bodies.

Mickey's Father: And you're gonna believe in Jesus Christ?

Mickey: I know - sounds funny. But, I'm gonna give it a try.

Mickey: Why all of a sudden is the sketch dirty?

Ed Smythe: Child molestation is a touchy subject, and the affiliates...

Mickey: Read the papers, half the country's doing it!

Ed Smythe: Yes, but you name names.

Mickey: We never-we don't name names, we say "The Pope"!

Holly: I love songs about extraterrestrial life, don't you?

Mickey: Not when they're sung by extraterrestrials.

Gail: Two months ago, you thought you had a malignant melanoma.

Mickey: Naturally, I, I- Do you know I- The sudden appearance of a black spot on my back!

Gail: It was on your shirt!

Mickey: I- How was I to know? Everyone was pointing back here.

Mickey: I'll be the father, all you have to do is masturbate into a little cup.

Nisi: You remember when we took those CPR classes?

Mickey: Yeah - All the cute guys were in there.

Nisi: Didn't you learn anything?

Mickey: No... But I met James.

Nisi: Shh... we gonna check his heart to see if it's still beating... Go on. Check it.

Mickey: You check it.

Nisi: You check it.

Mickey: You check it...

Nisi: YOU CHECK IT! It's on yo side!

Mickey: [Mickey laid her head against Mr. B's neck to see if he was still alive] He's alive!

Nisi: I'm going to bed!

Mickey: Nisi? Nisi? Nisi!

Nisi: Now at the audition I didn't do the best I could...

Heavy D: Hey! Ain't you that girl that hit the other girl in the face with your hair?

Nisi: Uh huh...

Heavy D: Oh no... I seen all you can do, Hon...

Mickey: Naw, naw. She can really dance...

Heavy D: No, I seen all you could do - you could hurt somebody

Mickey: No, she can dance and I'm the next Monifa

Nisi: She is!

Heavy D: Oh - you the next Monifa?

Mickey: Yea... look here - This the "Mickey remix..." Check this out... IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE YOU BEEN GO-ONE... FEELS GOOD WHEN I'M WITH-CHU... I MISS YOU COME BACK HOME...

Mickey: My food is created to nourish the soul, okay? I haven't used pork since Thelma was on Good Times about to marry Ibe, the African prince and I said, "No, no, no, I'm waiting on my African prince to be my baby's daddy, so I stopped use pork,because I started using chicken broth, cause I couldn't be doin that! So I don't know what you talking about." See what I cook is much healthier than that *bird* stuff Alfred is cookin' for him!"

Mickey: You think Ali and James miss us?

Nisi: I don't know, but I know I miss my man...

Mickey: Uh uh... you NEED to scoot over cause I ain't got no problem sleepin' on this expensive white carpet, cause I know it's poodle hair.

James: See you deserve this kinda stuff...

[hanging head to "cry"]

James: but I just can't give it to you... You deserve nice stuff... You deserve a big ol' house... and you - you deserve your own back yard... and - and everyone else got a - a little white dog, why you can have one? I wanna take you out to dinner... everytime we go out, we gotta watch - other people eat... HELL I wanna eat too! And - and you need some clothes... W-w-why should you have to wear your Sunday clothes on Wednesday? Now look girl... don't think a dude a punk cause he crying like a little girl - but you're my queen... and I Lah-Love you!

Mickey: Oh James you ain't never said nothin' like this... Don't said it if you don't mean it!

[knocks James into a fountain]

James: I MEAN IIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Mickey: ...A-re-ah-der-chee to you too... and some mozzerella and fettichinni... Hell yea!

Mickey: Lead the way Alfred.

Manley: The name is Manly, Manly will do very nicely thank you!... Who's Alfred?

Mickey: You know, Batman's homeboy!

Nisi: Oh Mick, now I see what-chu was sayin'.

Mickey: You would be so good in the sequel.

Nisi: Snap! He'd be phat!

Mickey: He would! All you gotta say is, "Batman to da cave!" and everybody lose they job that day... and you get THAT job. *Heavy Chuckle* TO THA CAAAAAAAVE.

Nisi: Ask him to say it Mick!

Mickey: Nah, I already done called the man "Alfred."

Nisi: Oh come on.

Mickey: No, I just wanna know where we sleepin tonight!

Nisi: I've been thinking, okay? About how we're gonna get up out of here.

Mickey: What?

Nisi: Don't act like you don't know, Mickey! The guilt! The guilt of what we're doing! Now, that man down there? He's a nice man. And he ain't got nothing around him but people trying to use him like you and me!

Mickey: I know. Why do you think I got up and left?

Nisi: [Fiercely] We should have been done got up and left!

[Pushes Mickey aside and sits on the bed]

Mickey: [Sits next to Nisi] D, dont you think we should at least say goodbye?

Nisi: [Quietly] We can't.

Mickey: Why?

Nisi: [On the verge of tears] Because if I go to him and say we're leaving, he's going to ask "Why?" And then I'm gonna have to tell him and me and you have been a part of this whole big lie... I can't do it.

Mickey: D, what are we going to do when we get off that plane? We ain't got no money, no apartment, nothing. Man, we're worse than when we started out.

Nisi: Maybe... but maybe not. Some things are just priceless, you know, Mick?

Mitch Cohen: It's like it's 1968... or 67... or 66... umm...

Mickey: The good years.

Jonathan Steinbloom: [Mitch has disappeared] Would you consider doing both parts?

Mickey: No, I'd consider going home, making a nice tray of nanaimo bars, lying in bed and watching TV - that's what I like doing.

Mickey: [Luke's just explained he heard from his long lost daughter] I know how ya feel, Old Man. I had a dog once... ran away... only she got hit by a truck. Now what's the story on this '57 Chev here, uh $2400? C'mon, you gotta be jackin' me!

Luke Fuchs: [proudly] Now son, you're lookin' at one of the finest automobiles on this lot. Y'know, I rebuilt that engine with my own two hands.

Mickey: [skeptically] Does it run?

Luke Fuchs: Does it run? Like a dream.

Mickey: Well Old Man... for $2400, it better run like a *wet* dream.

Lono Veccio: Don't even mention the fuckin' boots to me again. You got that?

Mickey: Sorry Lono.

Lono Veccio: It's not fuckin' funny.

Mickey: I know! I'm kidding!

Lono Veccio: I don't wanna hear about any fuckin' kinda footwear from you again. Don't even talk about fuckin' socks to me.

Mickey: I like you - the kind of like you where I get to see you naked. No more of this palsie walsie stuff.

Reverend Flavel: [after the Klan has crashed Rev. Flavel's revival, bald, naked and circumcised] Behold the Spawn of Satan! The Bowels of Perdition. Hear what I say! I speak Salvation! I speak Redemption!

Mickey: [instructing Tommy Turner to turn on the tape recorder] Now.

Reverend Flavel: CLEARLY I say this to thee...

Commissioner Hurley: Holy Shit! Look at the dick on that son of a bitch!

Commissioner Couch: Hey, Mayor! That guy's dork's even bigger that yours!

Commissioner Hurley: If you had a dick like that, you could give your secretary a flying@#$%.

Mayor Abernathy: Look at that snatch!

Woman at Rally: Oh My God!

[faints]

Little Girl: Oh, Mother.

Commissioner Couch: Hey, Mayor. Does Reverend Flavel approve of THIS?

Reverend Flavel: [to Mayor] You Scum!

Mayor Abernathy: Approve? Are you kidding? Reverend Flavel GAVE me this one!

[audience starts booing loudly]

Mickey: Hey Pee Wee, how's it feel?

Pee Wee: How does what feel?

Mickey: Getting laid.

Pee Wee: Same as it always feels.

Mickey: I don't believe it.

Tommy: Never again.

Pee Wee: What are you guys talking about, I got bodies laid all over South Florida.

Mickey: Morris, the last time you got any action, it was your fist. The old rosy palm.

Pee Wee: You guys are just jealous because I ruined Wendy for everybody else.

Pee Wee: [after the guys laugh] Now that she's had me, what's left?

Mickey: Yeah well, that's not what she told me, Pee Wee.

Pee Wee: Well, what did she tell you?

Tommy: Ask her, Pee Wee, here she comes.

Billy: Yeah, I can hear her panting from here.

Pee Wee: Look man, when they've been had by Pee Wee Morris, they stay had. I mean, they can't keep their hands off me. You guys better watch out because when she sees me you're likely to get caught in the stampede. Watch this.

Wendy: [walks by passively] Hi, boys.

Mickey: [after the guys laugh at Pee Wee] She's in a frenzy, Pee Wee.

Tommy: Yeah, she's rabid.

Pee Wee: She didn't see me. She didn't know I was here.

Tommy: That's what she said about you on the bus.

Pee Wee: Oh man, the girl's my slave.

Mickey: You're out of here, Jabbar!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Are you nuts? It's my farewell game.

Mickey: Well then, let me be the first to say farewell.

[looking at Rodin's "The Thinker"]

Ellen: Rodin never said what he was thinking.

Mickey: You see, what I think he was thinking was, "Goddam Rodin. Three drinks and I'm nude."

Mickey: [discussing the bridge from "An American in Paris", Mickey sings a line from the movie] "It's very clear..."

Ellen: Patton.

Ellen: Do you sleep with the window open?

Mickey: Yeah.

Ellen: I don't like it. You will have to stop that.

Mickey: Ok.

Ellen: Do you squeeze the toothpaste at the top or the bottom?

Mickey: Top.

Ellen: Don't do that I hate that. If you ever use my car, make sure the mirror is back where I put it.

Mickey: Ok, I can do that.

Ellen: All right. Do you want to talk about religion, politics, whether you want to have kids or not.

Mickey: Nah, that crap will work itself out, we are fine with the big issues.

Ellen: Ok, I'll marry you.

Mickey: I was thinking of doing some sightseeing.

Ellen: Sightseeing? In Paris? What a bizarre notion.

Mickey: Sure. You got any stuff here?

Ellen: Yeah, we got some stuff. Would you like to see the Eiffel Tower?

Mickey: That's here?

Mickey: We were great in Paris.

Ellen: Forget Paris.

Mickey: Forget Paris? How do you forget the best week in your life?

Ellen: Maybe that's just all we were - just a great week.

Mickey: You just had one of those 'I glued a bird to my head' days.

Mickey: I am very impressed, you've got little kids over here, 2-3 years old, and they're already speaking French.

Mickey: [Mickey finds out Ellen is married] You don't do this to a person, you know? You don't walk around being fabulous when you know you're not available.

Mickey: [about Ellen's husband] Is he French?

Ellen: Yes.

Mickey: Is he handsome?

Ellen: Yes.

Mickey: Is he rich?

Ellen: Yes.

Mickey: Does he have a sister?

Mickey: [During a marriage counseling session] When I come home, I'm excited to see you

Ellen: You're not excited, you're horny

Mickey: Is that bad? Is that such a bad thing?

Mickey: Never say, "famous last words," because they could be.

Ellen: You're a disturbed person, aren't you?

Mickey: [Using the exact words - with similar deadpan voice and facial expression - of Jeremy Irons as the character Claus von Bulow replying to a similar comment in the 1990 film, "Reversal of Fortune"] You have no idea.

Tim Hardaway: [during a timeout in the middle of a game] where do you buy your clothes from?

Mickey: why?

Tim Hardaway: my wife and I are looking into having a kid so we want to know where to shop

Mickey: [Sarcastically] very funny

Mickey: You don't know what you're saying. You don't.

Eddie: I do.

Mickey: No. I know you think you know what you're saying, but you're not saying it.

Eddie: No, I know what I'm saying. I don't know what I mean, but I know what I'm saying. Is that what you mean?

Mickey: Yeah.

Eddie: Right. But it's not like anybody knows what anything means, right? It's not like anybody knows that. So at least I know I don't know what I mean, which is better than most people. They probably think they know what they mean, not just what they think they mean.

Mickey: What kind of tone is that?

Eddie: What kind of tone is that? That's my tone.

Mickey: Yeah, but what does it mean?

Eddie: My tone? What does my tone mean? I don't have to interpret my fucking tone for you, Mickey. I don't know what it means.

Phil: Hey, if my karma's to whack people when they do some fuckin' irrelevant thing... fuck it!

Mickey: Absolutely right Phil, fuck destiny, fate, all metaphysical stuff. Fuck it!

Eddie: Flip is sarcastic.

Mickey: No, it's not. That's crazy. Sarcastic is mean, it's heavy - it's funny, sure, but it's mean. I do both, but this was flip.

Eddie: Oh. I was wondering. You came in this morning at something like 6:02? So... I guess dinner was a success.

Mickey: Yeah, you know.

Eddie: Or does it mean - and I'm just tryin' to get the facts straight here - does it mean that you fucked her?

Mickey: Darlene?

Eddie: Yeah.

Mickey: Did I fuck... Darlene? (picks up phone) Last night?

Artie: He's got this thing.

Phil: It's a vibrator I carry around with me.

Mickey: You carry a vibrator around with you?

Phil: Yeah. As a form of come-on. So the girls can see I'm up for anything right away. Sometimes as a sort of, uh, mood-setter I turn it on. But, uh, today there was, uh, extenuating circumstances.

Artie: You forgot about the weights.

Phil: Yeah.

Artie: He forgot about the weights.

Mickey: You forgot about the weights?

Phil: Yeah. Forgot about the weights. Unbelievable.

Mickey: Unbelievable! You forgot about the weights?

Eddie: Do you know what he's talking about?

Mickey: No, I have no idea what he's talking about.

Phil: You prick, you disgust me.

Mickey: Funerals. Sex. Death. I'm gonna go out and play.

Mickey: You're right. Good taste has undoubtedly deprived me of any number of friendships.

Mickey: [aiming toy gun] Reach for the sky and empty out your pockets, mister.

Lucy: Too late for that.

Mickey: Who are you?

Hitman: I'm the Hitman, who are you?

Mickey: I'm the hitman.

Mickey: Danny, you've nothin' in common with her. She's a rich bitch; you're just a poor bastard.

Eve: I thought I was through getting involved with men who were trouble. Falling in love on a look.

Song: Away, away, away.

Eve: I can't look at you.

Mickey: You have perfection about you.

Song: Feels so nice.

Eve: Oh, brother. Perfection. Me.

Song: What delight!

Mickey: Your eyes have music. Your heart's the best part of your body. And when you move, every man, woman and child is forced to watch.

[last lines]

Woman on Bus: Marriage is a very sacred thing.

Eve: Yeah. So I've heard. Marriage is a sacred thing. Isn't it?

Mickey: In a beautiful but sordid way.

Eve: I don't know why I ask you anything. You're a lunatic.

Mickey: That's why you chose me.

Mickey: [holding Zack at gunpoint] This guy's a menace.

Zack: I'd rather hear the gun go off than listen to this shit.

Pearl Antoine: [reciting her own poetry] No matter who I'm with, / They want to know if I'm still sleeping with you. / I say that you sleep while I die a little. / But I'm not afraid of death. / At least you get laid in your coffin.

[pause]

Pearl Antoine: You weren't even listening.

Mickey: You want to get laid.

Pearl Antoine: It was just a poem.

Mickey: Just a thought.

Pearl Antoine: God, you love to stare at women.

Mickey: Old habit.

Pearl Antoine: Yeah, that's what I need, a good job. You wanna know what my favorite job would be, of all time? To be the radio talk lady, Dr Nancy Love. Ever listen to her?

Mickey: I don't listen to radio talk.

Pearl Antoine: Well, you should, because she's real smart. I mean, just think, having a job where you talk on the phone all day, and get paid for it. Women trust her, men fantasize about her. What a life! I hear she's tall and blond.

[They are discussing Nancy herself, but Mickey does not know this]

Nancy: Her? Extremely smart. She helps a great deal of people.

Mickey: Good.

Nancy: And when there's a price involved, she can help others but - not herself. She gives advice to the lovelorn every day but she's never been in love herself. Or so I've heard.

Mickey: Rough.

Nancy: Some people worship her. But can you imagine how hard that must be to live with? Knowing than anything you ever say to anyone will count heavily, be acted upon whether you're right or wrong, I mean there's a tremendous responsibility in that, don't you think? She'd have to - she'd have to live a - a life of secrecy to avoid that kind of pressure, and even then she'd have to be careful of listening to herself, you know? And she must - wonder about - her own life experiences, she must have - difficulty touching life because she gives so much of herself to others, she spends - so much of her time absorbing others.

Mickey: People really listen to that shit?

Nancy: Oh yes, they do, believe me. I've heard her show before.

Nancy: Mickey. Mickey. You can't go around asking every woman you kiss to marry you.

Mickey: Why not?

Nancy: Why not...

Mickey: I only kiss women I'd marry.

Mickey: I realized my true calling in life.

Wayne Gale: What's that?

Mickey: Shit, man, I'm a natural born killer.

Mickey: It's just murder. All God's creatures do it. You look in the forests and you see species killing other species, our species killing all species including the forests, and we just call it industry, not murder.

Mickey: You'll never understand, Wayne. You and me, we're not even the same species. I used to be you, then I evolved. From where you're standing, you're a man. From where I'm standing, you're an ape. You're not even an ape. You're a media person. Media's like the weather, only it's man-made weather. Murder? It's pure. You're the one made it impure. You're buying and selling fear. You say "why?" I say "why bother?"

Mickey: You know, the only thing that kills the demon... is love.

Mickey: It's fate, you know. Nobody can stop fate, nobody can.

Mickey: The media is like the weather, only it's man-made weather.

Mickey: Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."

Mallory: Wherever we go, whatever happens, Mickey, when I look up at the stars, I'll know you'll be lookin' up at the same ones.

Mickey: Same ones, baby.

Mallory: You make everyday feel like kindergarten.

Mickey: Baby... by the power invested in me, as God of my world... I pronounce us husband and wife.

Mickey: You can't hide from your shadow.

Mickey: The whole world's comin' to an end, Mal!

Mallory: I see angels, Mickey. They're comin' down for us from heaven. And I see you ridin' a big red horse, and you're driving them horses, whippin' 'em, and the're spitting and frothing all 'long the mouth, and the're coming right at us. And I see the future, and there's no death, 'cause you and I, we're angels...

Mickey: I love you, Mal.

Mallory: I know you do baby, and I've loved you since the day we met.

Mickey: Mal...

Mallory: Yes?

Mickey: Will you marry me?

Mallory: Of course I'll marry you! I've been waiting for you to say that for so long. But where are we gonna get married?

Mickey: Right here, Mal. This is our church.

Mickey: We're not killing anybody on our wedding day.

Dwight McClusky: Just how far do you think you're gonna get?

Mickey: Right out the front door!

Dwight McClusky: THAT WILL *NEVER HAPPEN!*

Mickey: It IS happenin'.

Dwight McClusky: I will personally hunt you down, blow the head off your fucking whore wife, AND PLANT YOUR SICK ASS IN THE GROUND ALL BY MYSELF!

Mickey: Another day, perhaps, but not today!

Mickey: At birth, I was cast into a flaming pit of scum forgotten by God.

Mickey: [Wayne is pleading for his life] This is not about you, you egomaniac. I kinda like you. But if we let you go, we'd be just like everybody else. Killing you and what you represent is a statement.

Mickey: [pointing a shotgun at Homolka] Okay, DROP IT!

Deputy Sheriff Duncan Homolka: [drops a donut]

Mickey: The GUN, goddammit!

Mickey: Let me tell you something, this is the 1990's, alright? In this day and age a man has to have choices, a man has to have a little bit of variety.

Mallory: What are you talking about, "variety"? Hostages? You wanna fuck some other women now? Is that what you're talking about, Mickey?

Mickey: Right now, I'd go down on a lawman for a gallon of gas.

Wayne Gale: Wait! Don't Mickey and Mallory always leave one person alive to tell the tale?

Mallory: We are...

Mallory, Mickey: Your camera!

Druggist: I'm the only clerk left! I'm the only clerk left!

Mickey: You're forgetting one thing...

Druggist: W-what's that?

Mickey: If I don't kill you, what is there to talk about? You fuckin' squid!

[shoots him]

[the cops have Mickey and Mallory pinned down]

Mallory: You know what I say? I say... to hell with going back to our cells. Let's go out there, and run down the stairs, and go out in a hail of bullets. And then we'll die! And then we'll really be free.

Mickey: That's poetry. But we'll do that when all else fails.

Wayne Gale: What about your father how did he die? You were only ten years old and there's a lot of speculation.

Mickey: I didn't kill my father and I don't want to talk about it!

[starts to get angry and makes as if to jump up]

Mickey: .

Dwight McClusky: [leaps to his feet] Hey! Hey!

Wayne Gale: [to everyone around him] It's alright! It's alright!

[turns back to Mickey]

Wayne Gale: We'll just move on to something else.

Mickey: Please let's do.

Wayne Gale: So tell me Mickey? Any regrets? I mean, three weeks, fifty people killed... not too cool Mickey.

Mickey: Fifty-two, but I don't a lot of time with regret. That's a wasted emotion.

Wayne Gale: Seriously you must have some regret. Rack your brain.

Mickey: Well, I wish that Indian hadn't got killed.

Mallory: [archive footage of the Indian's death] Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

Wayne Gale: [looks at some files] One of your last victims.

Mickey: Man had a rattlesnake in the corner...

Mallory: I don't think I'm gonna make it. I feel so cold.

Mickey: You're gonna make it, Mal. Get mad.

Reporter: Do you have anything to say to your fans?

Mickey: You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Mickey: Even ugliness looks beautiful next to you.

Mickey: Turn left? Turn left to what, you stupid bitch?

Mallory: You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? Mickey, that's what my father used to call me! I thought you'd be a little more creative than that!

[repeated line]

Mickey: Hey, Jack! Mickey's back!

Mickey: Well, let's give that key lime pie a day in court, and a big old glass of non-fat milk, if you please.

Redneck's Buddy in the Diner: That's some sweet piece of meat, ain't it?

Mickey: Her name's... Mallory.

Redneck's Buddy in the Diner: Mallory... whatever... who gives a shit? I call it pussy.

Mickey: Uh, aloha? Chief? Yeah, uh... rattlesnake took a chunk outta us a few miles back... me and my wife are pretty sick - could be dyin,' you never can tell about these things, so... how's about you ungluin' your fat ass from that boob tube and gettin' us some snakebite juice? Pronto.

Wayne Gale: I thought a bond developed between us!

Mickey: No. Not really. You're scum, Wayne; you did it for RATINGS. You don't give a shit about us or anybody else except yourself; that's why nobody gives a shit about YOU. That's why "helicopters" were not "deployed."

Mickey: One camera all you can muster, Jack?

Jack Scagnetti: You ain't that big a star yet, cocksucker.

[Guns aimed at each other]

Mickey: Looks like we got us a Mexican Standoff.

Jack Scagnetti: We've had this day from the beginning, huh, Mickey? Now slide that shotgun over here. Put your hands on your head and your head against the floor!

Mickey: Or what, you'll wound me? I could blow you in half and you know it.

Jack Scagnetti: I never wounded anything in my life. I got you locked right between the eyes, Mickey. I've had you locked from the jump, you phony!

Mickey: I was drinking before you got out of your father's cock. Don't tell me what I do.

Mickey: You're reliable, and that counts for everything in life... You know who you remind me of?

Martin: I don't remind you of anybody because I'm not like anybody else... My ma always said I'm like one in a million... A million. That's what my ma always told me I was.

Mickey: Aye, you're full of shit.

Martin: Who do I remind you of?

Mickey: Wee Aggie.

Martin: Who's Aggie?

Mickey: I wouldn't trust him with my wife, but I trust him with my life.

Max Dembo: You know what I'd like to do... Why don't you run me by that hotel we'll check it out.

Mickey: Yeah, well I'll drive you out there but I'm not gonna rob it for you, you have to do that yourself. I got stomach trouble... no guts.

Harvey: Where are you going?

Mickey: To a place called "None of Your Business".

[first lines]

Mickey: [entering store] Hi Len.

Lenny: Hi Mick.

Mickey: Len, next time you got the urge to redecorate, you consult me first.

Lenny: Sure Mick.

Mickey: You hear from Alvin?

Lenny: He called.

Mickey: Oh, that's something.

Lenny: He wants the rest of his stuff.

Mickey: Screw 'em, man.

Lenny: He won't let me. Why don't you and I get hitched, Mickey?

Mickey: Sportin' the wrong equipment.

Lenny: I could change...

Mickey: Nah, it's too painful, too expensive. Besides, I'd just treat you bad. You'd want to leave me.

Lenny: Says who?

Mickey: My ex-wife.

John Hatter: You still drinking?

Mickey: You still screwin' my wife?

[Mickey pulls out a pack of cigarettes]

John Hatter: I'd prefer you didn't smoke, Hayden.

Mickey: Yeah, well I'd prefer it if you stopped screwin' my wife.

John Hatter: She's your ex-wife.

Mickey: She wasn't when you started screwin' her.

John Hatter: You know, this drink to heal thing is such a cliche...

Mickey: Well it's my cliche, so I embrace it...

[In the car on their way to a crime scene]

Ray: You smoke too much.

Mickey: You eat too much.

Ray: You drink too much.

Mickey: Ray, you talk too much.

Mickey: I've got a gun, Harv, and they let me use it when people piss me off!

Dr. Vera Swann: Why do you drink so much?

Mickey: Why are you such a pain in the ass?

Dr. Vera Swann: No, I really want to know.

Mickey: So do I.

Dr. Vera Swann: Well, the work I do... no-one takes seriously... it's my defence...

Dr. Vera Swann: [seeing Mickey smirking] and I refuse to be anaylised by a man who lives his life looking through the prism of melting ice cubes...

Mickey: Fair enough but if you're expecting something tragic you're going to be disappointed... I like to drink... sometimes I like to get drunk... sometimes I like to pass out. I don't hurt anybody with it and I don't drink on the job, contrary to my lieutenant's beliefs. Iit hasn't killed me... at least not yet.

Harvey: I don't think you should drink on duty.

Mickey: I'm not on duty.

Harvey: But you are.

Mickey: You want to report me... here's my badge. Please... Please... report me.

Harvey: You know i would'nt do that Michael.

Mickey: Do i know you?

Harvey: No, not yet.

Mickey: Well when i do, remind me to tell you to mind your own business.

Mickey: [refering to a adult mag] Does your mother know you read that?

Kid: Yeah, her pictures in there, i'm taking it to show my Dad.

Mickey: [sarcastically] You must be proud.

Kid: Yeah we all are.

[grabs a bottle of whiskey mickey was buying and runs]

Mickey: Come back here kid.

Transit Cop: [seeing Mickey and Ray in plain clothes walking into a crime scene] Sorry no...

[Mickey shows his badge]

Transit Cop: Sorry didn't know.

Mickey: Yeah well we don't have the same spiffy uniforms as y'all do.

Mickey: Did you hear from Alvin?

Lenny: He called.

Mickey: Oh, that's somethin'.

Lenny: He wants the rest of his stuff!

Mickey: Screw him, then.

Lenny: He won't let me.

Mickey: Jesus Christ, look at my life. All I know are freaks.

John Hatter: You're a whole lot better swimmer than I though, Mick.

Mickey: A whole lot better drunk than you thought, John.

Mickey: I guess he lied. He *does* believe in ghosts.

Mickey: Come on, kid!

[falls down]

Mickey: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Harvey: What's his problem?

Mickey: My only problem here is *you*!

Mickey: What's your name?

Harvey: Harvey.

Mickey: Go away, Harvey.

Ray: Don't get too comfortable.

Mickey: Ray, right now I think that's pretty impossible.

Ray: I could use a new pair of shoes.

Mickey: I could use a new life.

Mickey: [he wakes up from a nightmare] Oh shit...

[starts crying]

Mickey: You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!

Mickey: Your nose is broken.

Rocky: How does it look?

Mickey: Ah, it's an improvement.

Rocky: I been comin' here for six years, and for six years ya been stickin' it to me, an' I wanna know how come!

Mickey: Ya don't wanna know!

Rocky: I wanna know how come!

Mickey: Ya wanna know?

Rocky: I WANNA KNOW HOW!

Mickey: OK, I'm gonna tell ya! You had the talent to become a good fighter, but instead of that, you become a legbreaker to some cheap, second rate loanshark!

Rocky: It's a living.

Mickey: IT'S A WASTE OF LIFE!

Mickey: Women weaken legs!

Mickey: Down! Down! Stay Down!

Mickey: [to rocky, after round 1 with Apollo] Keep hittin'em in the ribs ya see? Don't let that bastard breathe!

Mickey: Get out of here! Don't ya ever interrupt me while I'm conductin' business. Move your little chicken asses out.

Mickey: You're a bum, Rock. You're a bum.

Rocky: I ain't no bum, Mick. I ain't no bum.

Mickey: You know what you are?

Rocky: No, what?

Mickey: A tomato.

Rocky: A tomato?

Mickey: Yeah, and I'm running a business here, not a goddamn soup kitchen.

Mickey: [Mickey walks up to a disheartened Freddie Othello, dumped by Mary Hatch] What's the matter, Othello - jealous? Did you know there's a swimming pool under this floor? And did you know that *button* behind you causes this floor to open up? And did you further know that George Bailey is dancing right over that crack?

[Othello turns to Mickey]

Mickey: I've got the key!

Mickey: [Flashback] Ah come here Rock. My God, you're ready ain't ya? That Apollo won't know what hit him. You're gonna roll over him like a bulldozer, an Italian bulldozer. You know kid, I know how you feel about this fight that's comin' up. 'Cause I was young once, too. And I'll tell you somethin'. Well, if you wasn't here I probably wouldn't be alive today. The fact that you're here and doin' as well as you're doin' gives me-what do you call it-motivization? Huh? To stay alive, 'cause I think that people die sometimes when they don't wanna live no more.

Rocky Balboa: [Present day, remembering] Nature's smarter than people think...

Mickey: [Flashback] And nature is smarter than people think. Little by little we lose our friends, we lose everything. We keep losin' and losin' till we say you know, 'Oh what the hell am I livin' around here for? I got not reason to go on.' But with you kid, boy, I got a reason to go on. And I'm gonna stay alive and I will watch you make good...

Rocky Balboa: [Present day, remembering] I'll never leave you.

Mickey: [Flashback] and I'll never leave you until that happens. 'Cause when I leave you you'll not only know how to fight, you'll be able to take care of yourself outside the ring too, is that okay?

Rocky Balboa: [Flashback] It's okay.

Mickey: [Flashback] Okay. Now I got a little gift for you.

Rocky Balboa: [Flashback] Ah, Mick you don't have to.

Mickey: [Flashback] No, wait a minute, now, wait a minute. Hey look at that.

[Takes off his golden glove necklace]

Mickey: See that? This is the favorite thing that I have on this Earth. And Rocky Marciano give me that. You know what it was? His cufflink. Huh? And now I'm givin' it to you and it, it's gotta be like a, like an angel on your shoulder see? If you ever get hurt and you feel that you're goin' down this little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. It's gonna say, 'Get up you son of a bitch 'cause Mickey loves you'. Okay?

Rocky Balboa: [Flashback] Thanks Mick.

[Hugs him]

Rocky Balboa: I love you too.

Mickey: [Flashback] Go after him kid, go after him.

Mickey: Get up you son of a bitch! 'Cause Mickey loves you!

Mickey: You know, kid, I know how you feel about this fight that's comin' up, because I was young once too. And I tell you somethin': Well, if you wasn't here, I probably wouldn't be alive today. The fact that you're here and doin' as well as you're doin' gives me, what do you call it, a "motivization," huh, to stay alive? 'Cause I think that people die sometimes when they don't wanna live no more.

Rocky Balboa: Nature's smarter than people think.

Mickey: And nature is smarter than people think. Little by little, we lose our friends, we lose everything. We keep losing and losing till we say, you know, "What the hell am I livin' around here for? I got no reason to go on." But with you, kid, boy, I got a reason to go on. And I'm gonna stay alive, and I will watch you make good.

Rocky Balboa: And I'll never leave you.

Mickey: And I'll never leave you until that happens. 'Cause when I leave you, you'll not only know how to fight, you'll be able to take care of yourself outside the ring too. Is that okay?

Rocky Balboa: It's okay.

Rocky Balboa: What are you doing? I wanna fight this guy.

Mickey: Well, you got him. But you'll fight him without me.

Rocky Balboa: What are you saying?

Mickey: It's finished. Yes, I'm finished. I don't want no more of this. I don't want no more of it! You understand? None of it! It's over with!

[Mickey walks away from the crowd in frustration]

Clubber Lang: [Calling to Adrian; Smooth talks] Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man.

Rocky Balboa: [loses his temper completely; Screaming] You want it, you got it! YOU GOT IT!

[Both Rocky and Clubber taunt and yells; crowd clamors]

Rocky Balboa: [Screaming continues] I'll see you in the ring! You got it!

[Crowd yelling/disapproves Rocky's choice to retire; Clubber appears in the crowd]

Clubber Lang: Getting out while you can? Don't give this sucker no statue. Give him guts! I told you I wasn't going away. You got your shot, now give me mine.

Mickey: [Telling Clubber to go away] Why don't you get the hell out of there?

Clubber Lang: Shut up, Old Man! I ain't goin' nowhere. Why don't you all these nice folks why you been duckin' me? Politics, man. This country want to keep me down. Keep everybody weak. They don't want me to have the title because I'm not a puppet like that fool up there.

Rocky Balboa: You know, you got a big mouth, you know?

Clubber Lang: Well, why don't you come down here and close it, Balboa? Come on. Come on.

Rocky Balboa: [turning cross] Anytime.

Mickey: This guy's crazy. Don't listen to him.

Clubber Lang: The little man don't wanna come to me. Then I'll come to you people to lay out the truth. I am ranked Number One. ONE! That means I'm the best! But this bum been taking the easy matches, fighting other bums. I'm telling you and everybody here, I'm fight him anywhere, anytime, for nothing.

[crowd shouting]

Clubber Lang: But you people ain't never gonna see that happen because he's gonna retire. You see, he don't fight no real man. He fights those setups.

Rocky Balboa: What?

Mickey: [yells] You're a disgrace to this sport!

Clubber Lang: [Screams] Shut up, Old Man! You don't know what I had to come from! Balboa, your family doin' real nice, ain't it, and you call yourself a fighter? Prove it now. Give me that same chance. The way you been duckin' is a disgrace. If he ain't no coward, why don't he fight me then?

Rocky Balboa: I can't listen to any more of this. Anytime you want...

Mickey: [extremely angry; Screams] I don't care what you're ranked! You don't get no shot AND I MEAN THAT!

Rocky Balboa: I said why you doin' this?

Mickey: Because you can't win, Rock! This guy will kill you to death inside of three rounds!

Rocky Balboa: You're crazy.

Mickey: What else is new?

Rocky Balboa: He's just another fighter.

Mickey: No, he ain't just another fighter! This guy is a wrecking machine! And he's hungry! Hell, you ain't been hungry since you won that belt.

Rocky Balboa: What are you talkin' about? I had ten title defenses.

Mickey: That was easy.

Rocky Balboa: What you mean, "easy"?

Mickey: They was hand-picked!

Rocky Balboa: Setups?

Mickey: Nah, they wasn't setups. They was good fighters, but they wasn't killers like this guy. He'll knock you to tomorrow, Rock!

Rocky Balboa: Why'd you leave? Why'd you walk away like that?

Mickey: Life's too short, kid.

Rocky Balboa: Where you goin?

Mickey: I'm goin on a permanent vacation.

Rocky Balboa: What are you talkin about? We got one more fight.

Mickey: No, no, not me, you.

Rocky Balboa: Why you doin this?

[Mickey doesn't answer]

Rocky Balboa: I said why you doin this?

Mickey: Because you can't win, Rock! This guy'll kill you to death inside of three rounds!

Rocky Balboa: You're crazy!

Mickey: What else is new?

Rocky Balboa: He's just another fighter!

Mickey: No he ain't just another fighter. This guy is a wrecking machine and he's hungry! Hell, you ain't been hungry since you won that belt!

Rocky Balboa: Aw, what are you talking about I've had 10 title defenses?

Mickey: That was easy!

Rocky Balboa: What do you mean easy?

Mickey: They was hand picked!

Rocky Balboa: Set ups?

Mickey: Nah they wasn't set ups! They was good fighters but they wasn't killers like this guy. He'll knock you to tomorrow, Rock!

Rocky Balboa: Jeez, Mick. Why'd you do it?

Mickey: Because the beating that you got from Apollo should've killed you, kid. It didn't. It was my job to keep you winning and to keep you healthy.

Rocky Balboa: You really don't think I got nothing left do you?

Mickey: Well, Rock, let's put it this way. Now, three years ago you was supernatural. You was hard and you was nasty and you had this cast-iron jaw but then the worst thing happened to you, that could happen to any fighter. You got civilized. But don't worry kid. You know, presidents retire, horses retire, Man-o-war retired. They put him out to stud. That's what you should've done, retired.

Rocky Balboa: I can't retire knowing all this, Mick.

[Thunderlips makes his entrance into the arena]

Mickey: Let's get out of here.

Rocky Balboa: Aw, c'mon Mick, it's for charity.

Mickey: You're wearing your anatomy out for charity. Nobody else does this much for charity.

Rocky Balboa: Bob Hope would.

Mickey: [pause, nods] That's true.

Mickey: [Mickey is not pleased with Rocky's exhibition match with Thunderlips] What's the matter with you? Why do you wanna fight this guy? Does anything normal go through your head?

Rocky Balboa: Nothing that I remember.

Mickey: I seen wrestlers as big as dinosaurs. You ever fought a dinosaur, kid?

Rocky Balboa: Not lately.

Mickey: They can inflict a variety of damage!

Paulie: [Thunderlips is walking to the ring] Why are they carrying him?

Mickey: He's walking.

Female fan: Excuse me. Could I get a kiss?

Rocky Balboa: Yeah, sure.

[the fan kisses him, but Mickey pushes her back]

Mickey: Get outta here! Will ya? This is like fighting in a zoo. This is a zoo, you know? Is that the way you train for Clubber? He ain't gonna kiss ya! He gonna kill ya! Ya know that?

Rocky Balboa: Why are you doing this?

Mickey: Because you can't win Rock. This guy will kill you to death in three rounds.

Rocky Balboa: [Preparing to fight Thunderlips] Hey Mick what do you think this guy eats?

Mickey: About 202 pounds.

Wrestling referee: [Introducing Rocky] ... Weighing in at 202 pounds...

[Rocky gives Mickey a look, and Mickey grins in response]

[a special, surprise gathering is being held at the Philadelphia Museum of Art; A high school band finished playing "Gonna Fly Now"; citizens applauses]

Mayor: Thank you. Thank you, One and all. Every once in a while a person comes along who defies the odds, who defies logic, and fulfills an incredible dream. On behalf of all the citizens of Philadelphia, and the many who have been touched by your accomplishments and your untiring participation in this city's many charity functions, it is with tremendous honor that we present this memorial which will stand always as a celebration to the indomitable spirit of Man. Philadelphia salutes its favorite son, Rocky Balboa!

[Fans cheer and applause; unveils the bronze statue of The Italian Stallion, Rocky Balboa; cheering grows louder]

Adrian: It's beautiful.

Mickey: Definitely a thing of beauty.

[Fans cheering "Rocky"]

Rocky Balboa: Thank you.

[clear throat]

Rocky Balboa: Thank you very much. I don't know. Wh-What do ya say to something like this? About three years ago... this city... really took me inside, you know? And I want to thank you very much for that. I really do. And I've been thinking that, uh, I wasn't gonna bring this up, but I might as well now. I would never do anything to hurt this sport that has been so really good to me. And I've been talking it over with my wife... and my manager... We think that...

[Confused]

Rocky Balboa: It's really hard to say this. I feel like, well... I thinking maybe it's time that I should, uh, step down maybe and... retire.

Mickey: The worst thing that happened to you, that can happen to any fighter: you got civilized.

[a special, surprise gathering is being held at the Philadelphia Museum of Art; A high school band finished playing "Gonna Fly Now"; citizens applauses]

Mayor: Thank you. Thank you, One and all. Every once in a while a person comes along who defies the odds, who defies logic, and fulfills an incredible dream. On behalf of all the citizens of Philadelphia, and the many who have been touched by your accomplishments and your untiring participation in this city's many charity functions, it is with tremendous honor that we present this memorial which will stand always as a celebration to the indomitable spirit of Man. Philadelphia salutes its favorite son, Rocky Balboa!

[Fans cheer and applause; unveils the bronze statue of The Italian Stallion, Rocky Balboa; cheering grows louder]

Adrian: It's beautiful.

Mickey: Definitely a thing of beauty.

[Fans cheering "Rocky"]

Rocky Balboa: Thank you.

[clear throat]

Rocky Balboa: Thank you very much. I don't know. Wh-What do ya say to something like this? About three years ago... this city... really took me inside, you know? And I want to thank you very much for that. I really do. And I've been thinking that, uh, I wasn't gonna bring this up, but I might as well now. I would never do anything to hurt this sport that has been so really good to me. And I've been talking it over with my wife... and my manager... We think that...

[Confused]

Rocky Balboa: It's really hard to say this. I feel like, well... I thinking maybe it's time that I should, uh, step down maybe and... retire.

[Thunderlips is holding Rocky in the air; calls to the audience]

Thunderlips: [yells] No one can believe the superhuman strength of Thunderlips! I am the Man!

Mickey: Stop him, will -

[a heart attack occurs]

Thunderlips: You want this punching bag?

Rocky Balboa: Adrian!

Adrian: Rocky!

Thunderlips: THEN YOU GOT HIM!

Rocky Balboa: [Screaming] CATCH ME!

[Tunderlips tosses Rocky out of the ring into the audience]

LeRoy Neiman: [announcing the wrestling match] Now entering the ring, a man who calls himself the ultimate male, World Wrestling Champion, Thunderlips!

Rocky Balboa: [looking at Thunderlips] Wow, he's awful big. Hey, Mick, how much do you think he eats?

Mickey: About 202 pounds.

LeRoy Neiman: Weighing in at 202 pounds...

Mickey: [Mickey smiles and looks at Rocky]

Paulie: Hey, Rock; you better call Bob Hope.

Rocky Balboa: [Mickey has revealed to Rocky the truth about his title defenses] Geez, Mick, why'd you do it?

Mickey: Because the beating ya got from Apollo shoulda killed ya, kid. It didn't. It was my job ta keep ya winnin', and ta keep ya healthy.

Mickey: [to orchestra playing the "Rocky" theme] Shut up back there, can't you? Change your tune.

Mickey: [as Rocky prepares to fight Thunderlips] Stay away! Make faces! Move around the ring! You got him, kid!

Mickey: [as Rocky makes the sign of the cross in his corner] I get nervous EVERY TIME he does that!

Mickey: [to Rocky after watching all the pageantry at the gym] This is a house of ill repute!

Rocky Balboa: It's Apollo.

Mickey: Who were you expecting?

Rocky Balboa: I was hoping he wouldn't show

Mickey: Hey Rock. It's three in the morning. I went up to your house there and they told me you was here. It's 3am, kid. You know that Adrian, she's a good girl. Me, you know I'm sorry for both of ya. There's nothing I can do about it. Except, uh, I wanna tell you this once and then, uh, I ain't gonna say it again. But Rock, you got another shot. This is the second shot. At, uh, I don't know the biggest title in the world, and you're gonna be swappin' punches with, with the most dangerous fighter in the world. And just in case, you know your brain ain't workin' so good. All this happens pretty soon and you ain't ready. You know you're no where near in shape. So I say, for God's sake, why don't you stand up and fight this guy HARD? Like you done before, that was beautiful! But don't lay down like this! Like, uh, I don't know, like some kind of mongrel or something. Cause he's gonna kick your face in pieces! That's right! This guy don't just wanna win, you know, he wants to bury ya, he wants to humiliate ya, he wants to prove to the whole world that you was nothin but some kind of a freak the first time out. He said you were a one time lucky bum! Well now I don't wanna get mad in a biblical place like this, but I think you're a hell of a lot more than that kid! A hell of a lot! But now wait a minute, if you wanna blow this thing, if you wanna blow it, then damn it I'm gonna blow it with ya. If you wanna stay here, I'll stay with ya. I stay with ya. I'll stay and pray. What do I got to lose?

Rocky Balboa: [after round 1 of the rematch with Creed] I can't believe it!

Mickey: What?

Rocky Balboa: He broke my nose again.

[During Rocky's retraining]

Mickey: You're gonna eat lightnin'; you're gonna crap thunder.

[Rocky and Mickey are watching the film of the first fight]

Mickey: Left handed fighters, they're the worst. They lead with their face mostly, trying to throw that big left. Right's no damn good. They ought to outlaw southpaws.

Rocky Balboa: Why didn't you tell me this before?

Mickey: I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

Rocky Balboa: [noticing Mickey's hearing aid] What's that in your ear there?

Mickey: What it is, is I hear stupid things better.

Mickey: Who the hell is that?

Rocky Balboa: Avon lady.

Mickey: Why do you have to wear that stinkin' sweatsuit?

Rocky Balboa: It brings me luck, you know?

Mickey: Brings you luck! I'll tell you what it brings, it brings flies! Now here's what I want you to do... I want you to chase this little chicken.

Rocky Balboa: Hey yo, Mick, what do I got to chase a chicken for?

Mickey: First, because I said so. And second, is because chicken-chasing is how we used to train back in the old days. If you can catch this thing, you can catch greased lighting.

Rocky Balboa: Well, I'll do it if you say so, but it ain't very mature.

Mickey: Yeah, well neither are you very mature!

Mickey: This guy don't just want to win, you know. He wants to bury you, he wants to humiliate you, he wants to prove to the whole world that you was nothing but some kind of a... a freak the first time out.

[Rocky is punching the heavy bag]

Rocky Balboa: Three, four...

Mickey: Now remember, I want 500 hard ones. Go!

Rocky Balboa: Where was I, seven or eight?

Reporter: Rocky, your pay for the fight will be very substantial. What will you do with the money?

Rocky Balboa: Well, the first thing I gotta do is I gotta pay the rent. And then I made this list on our way over here. I'd like to buy a couple hats, a motorcycle, a couple quarts of perfume for Adrian, she likes to smell good. And some muppet toys... you know, Ernie, Big Bird. And the frog, what's his name? Kermit?

Mickey: Yeah.

Rocky Balboa: And I thought maybe a statue for the church, and a snow cone machine for you, Paulie. You like snow cones, right?

Reporter: Rocky, do you have something derogatory to say about the champ?

Rocky Balboa: Derogatory? Yeah, he's great.

Mickey: [after slapping Rocky in the face with his left hand] Now you didn't even see that comin', did ya? And that's comin' from a broken down punk like me. What... what do ya think the champ would do to ya?

Rocky Balboa: Hurt me bad, I guess...

Mickey: Na, he'd hurt ya permanent. *Permanent*!

[an exhausted Rocky lands a knockout punch at Apollo but sends them both falling onto the ring]

Adrian: [shocked] Oh!

Referee: One! Two!

Bill Baldwin: If he gets up, Creed will regain the title! If neither of them gets up, it's a draw and Creed will win the title automatically! The count...

Referee: Four...

Duke: [calling to Apollo] Get up, my Man!

Mickey: GET ON YOUR FEET!

Adrian: [whispers] Get up.

Referee: [Pandemonium in the stadium grows] Six! Seven!

Paulie: [Screams] Get up!

Referee: Eight!

Mary Anne Creed: GET UP!

Referee: Nine...

[Apollo collapses; Mary Anne moans]

Referee: [Rocky at the last second stands up] TEN! YOU'RE OUT!

[Paulie and Adrian screams in happiness; Mickey yells]

Bill Baldwin: He made it at the last second! Rocky Balboa has shocked the world! He is the new heavyweight champion of the world!

Mickey: [Standing to his feet after Adrian tells Rocky to win] What are we waiting for!

Mickey: What's 'can't'? There ain't no 'can'ts'! There's no 'can'ts'!

Johnny: So, what's Mickey short for? Michelle?

Mickey: Mickey is short for Mickey. As in Mickey Mantle, my father's favorite player.

Johnny: Aha. Lucky it wasn't Yogi Berra.

Mickey: [undressing behind the car] What are you staring at?

Johnny: The paint job on the car.

Mickey: Oh yeah, you like it?

Johnny: A really hot paint job.

Johnny: I remember him saying he had a daughter in college. Yep. He would say that she was smarter than me and him put together. That's why when I met you, obviously, I thought Gus had another daughter.

Mickey: [smacks him]

Gus: You shouldn't be in a place like this.

Mickey: You used to sneak me into places worse than this.

Gus: I know I'm as blind as a slab of concrete, but I'm not helpless. I'll put a bullet in my head when that happens.

Mickey: That's comforting.

Gus: You need some money for some new clothes?

Mickey: I just came from yoga.

Gus: You into that voodoo, huh?

Mickey: Yeah. I'm thinking about getting three sixes tattooed across my forehead.

[last lines]

Mickey, Johnny: [kissing]

Gus: Well, it looks like I'll be taking the bus...

Mickey: Why are right next to me?

Johnny: Because you're the first scout I've ever been attracted to - thank God.

Mickey: I'm not a scout, I'm a lawyer.

Johnny: Normally a deal breaker, but I'm all about expanding my leve of tolerance, self-improvement, et cetera.

Mickey: Yes, I'm still single. Very single.

Johnny: Maybe you are emotionally unavailable.

Mickey: Emotionally unavailable?

Johnny: Yeah.

Mickey: Who are you, Dr. Phil?

Johnny: Hey, that is quality television.

Gus: I think maybe, maybe I could change the way I do things.

Mickey: You already have.

Kat Connor: I know Phil's not the smartest crayon in the box.

Mickey: That is the understatement of century.

Kat Connor: That's what I kind of like about him, you know. He's just simple. I know it sounds perverse, but he's kind of like my dad in that way. You scratch the surface, and there's just more surface.

Wendi: I don't want to be down here. I want to go now.

Mickey: I know, sweetie. But Uncle Mickey says we have to stay.

Wendi: Why?

Mickey: Because your face will melt off and your hair will fall out.

Mickey: The food is adequate, I hope. Don't thank me all at once.

Mickey: Let there be light.

Mickey: Not exactly the Garden of Eden.

Mickey: After a blast everything gets vaporised and sucked up into the atmosphere. And it rains back down to Earth... as radioactive dust.

Mickey: You wanna survive, you listen to me.

Sam: What was that? Another bomb?

Mickey: That was our building coming down.

Delvin: What's the plan, Mickey?

Mickey: Well, my plan was to build a fallout shelter and take it easy while my pain-in-the-ass tenants barbecued above me.

Mickey: [after slapping Sam] Don't be scared, Wendy. Uncle Mickey only slaps little girls. And you're a big girl, aren't you?

Delvin: You're holding out food on us now?

Mickey: I got a couple of bits and pieces in my room. It's my place. It's my right.

Sam: They're coming back.

Mickey: No. They're welding us in.

Mickey: Shame we let those bodies go rotten.

Sam: What do you mean?

Mickey: You ever heard about that rugby team that survived the Andes?

Sam: Their plane crashed.

Bobby: They were forced to eat their friends and family. They survived up there for months.

Mickey: They ate everything - ears, toes, assholes.

Bobby: Uh-huh, arms, legs, brains, the spleen. The only thing they didn't eat was the penis. If worse comes to worst, you all have full permission to eat my body. Yeah, you do. But not my penis. Nobody - nobody but nobody eats Bobby's penis.

Bobby: [Bobby's about to chop up two dead bodies] I can do this, man. Yeah, I got this.

Mickey: [walking away, to Josh] But can he live with it?

Mickey: Come on, you motherfuckers! Come and get me! I got nine more fingers for you!

Eva: Where's the gun?

Mickey: Get me out of this chair.

[Eva scoffs]

Mickey: It's in a red coffee can, in the panic room.

Eva: I never said l'd untie you.

Mickey: You'll do the right thing.

Mickey: [to Josh] Are you proud of yourself?

Mickey: Ever see what happened to those poor Japanese bastards after we dropped Little Boy on Nagasaki? The skin melting off their bones. Faces like... roadkill. Lucky ones died in the blast. And those kids in Chernobyl - eyes and... ears. Shit growing all over 'em. Tumors the size of grapefruits popping out of their necks.

Eva: Enough, Mickey. We get it.

Mickey: What you need to get is if that dust gets in here, we're all fucked.

Delvin: This is my ball. You got it out of my apartment?

Mickey: I got it out of your ass.

Mickey: [to Josh] I'm not your nanny, you arrogant prick!

Cliff: I never thought I'd see the a buddy of mine would be dating a woman with three bars on her shoulder.

Mickey: I think it's beyond what you'd call dating.

Cliff: You're gonna get married?

Mickey: Maybe.

Cliff: You met her family? Think her family's gonna be okay that you're a white guy?

Mickey: They think any woman over 30 who isn't married is a lesbian. She figures, they'll be so relieved that I'm a man...

Cliff: Yeah, it's always heartwarming to see a prejudice defeated by a deeper prejudice.

Tim Pearson: [Tim is riding in the tow truck with Slam cause Slam is towing Tim's dad's Cadillac] Man, I feel so stupid.

Ernie 'Slam' Webster: Boy, you just discover the oldest sexual position in the book.

Tim Pearson: What?

Ernie 'Slam' Webster: The Foolish position.

Ernie 'Slam' Webster: [Slam pulls the tow truck to a bowling alley and says to Tim] You just got to remember, your brains are between your ears and not your legs.

Mickey: [Mickey, the bowling alley owner comes out of the alley and Talks to Slam, he also notices Tim with the mud on him] Slam, things are a little rough out at the speedrome tonight, huh?

Ernie 'Slam' Webster: My friend here had a problem out at County Line Bridge.

Mickey: [Mickey makes a joke and says to Tim] Out there baiting your hook, huh?, catch anything?

[Mickey laughs]

Mickey: Who do you think you are? My dad?

Alex: No, I'm his brother.

Mickey: My dad doesn't have a brother. Get a life.

Alex: I'd love to.

Mickey: Get a life

Alex: I'd love to

Film Teacher: You could say that what happened in that theatre was a direct result of the movie itself.

Cici: That is so Moral Majority. You can't blame real life violence on entertainment.

Film Class Guy #1: Yes you can. Don't you ever watch the news?

Film Class Guy #2: Hello? The murderer was wearing a ghost mask just like in the movie. It's directly responsible.

Cici: No, it's not. Movies are not responsible for our actions.

Mickey: Its a classic case of life, imitating art, imitating life.

Film Class Mopey Girl: Its not hypothetical, it's not about art. I had biology with that girl. This is reality.

Randy: Thank you. I agree with you. Let me tell you about reality, Mickey. I lived through this, okay? Life is life. It doesn't imitate anything.

Mickey: Oh come on Randy, with all due respect, the killer obviously patterned himself after two serial killers who were immortalized on film.

Film Class Guy #2: Thank you!

Film Teacher: So, you're suggesting that someone is trying to make a real life sequel?

Randy: Stab 2? Who would wanna do that? Sequels suck! Oh please, please! By definition alone, sequels are inferior films!

Mickey: It's bullshit generalization. Many sequels have surpassed their originals.

Randy: Oh yeah?

Cici: Name one.

Film Class Guy #1: Aliens. Far better than the first.

Cici: Yeah, well, there's no accounting for taste.

Randy: Thank you. Ridley Scott Rules. Name another.

Film Class Guy #2: No way. Aliens is a classic. "Get away from her, you bitch!"

Randy: I believe the line is "Stay away from her, you bitch." This is a film class right?

Film Class Guy #2: Got you. Whatever. You know what I mean.

Randy: Name another.

Mickey: T-2.

Cici: You got a hard-on for Cameron.

Randy: A big one.

Sydney: Yea? Well, you're forgetting one thing about Billy Loomis.

Mickey: What's that?

Sydney: I fucking killed him!

Film Class Guy #1: No way. The first Terminator is historical.

Randy: Yeah... Sarah Connor. Yes.

[shoots]

Film Class Guy #2: Alright, alright. House II: The Second Story.

[class hits him]

Randy: The entire horror genre was destroyed by sequels.

Mickey: I got it, by the way. I got it. Godfather Part II.

Randy: [as Marlon Brando] That's very good. Very good. That's an Oscar winning exception.

Hallie: I like the little furry things.

Mickey: Ewoks, they blow.

Mickey: Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects.

Randy: Not a sequel, part of a trilogy, completely planned.

[after the Sorority Girls left]

Mickey: The Delta Lambdas are the biggest bunch of fuckin'...

Hallie: Hey! I'm pledging Delta Lambda, thank you!

Mickey: Just wait until the trial. It is gonna rock!

Mrs.Loomis: Oh, Mickey, there's not going to be a trial.

[shoots Mickey 2 times in the chest]

Mickey: You should really deal with your trust issues Sid: I mean, poor Derek. He's completely innocent and such a nice boy too. He's bright and funny and handsome. Decent singing voice. And he was going to be a doctor. This is just the kinda boy you'd like to take home to mom. If you had a mom.

Sydney: Fuck you!

Mickey: Oh, so vulgar! Did Billy let you talk to him this way?

Sydney: Billy was a sick fuck just like you!

Mickey: No. Billy was a sick fuck who tried to get away with it. Mickey is a sick fuck who wants to get caught, yea! Ya see I got my whole defense planned out. I'm gonna blame the movies. Pretty cool huh? It hasn't been done before. You see, this is just the beginning, a prelude to the trial. Cuz see that's where the real fun is 'cause these days it's all about the trial. Can you see it? The effects of cinema violence on society. I'll get Dershowitz or Cochran to represent me. Bob Dole on the witness stand in my defense. Hell the Christian Coalition'll pay my legal fees. It's air tight Sid. I'm an innocent victim.

Sydney: You're a psychotic.

Mickey: Yeah, well. Shh...

[whispers]

Mickey: that'll be our little secret. Cause people love a good trial. It's like theater. They're dyin' for it. And I've worked hard to give the audience what they want. See that's what Billy was good at. He knew... It's all about... execution.

Mickey: It's a perfect example of life imitating art imitating life.

Sydney: [referring to who the killer is] Mrs. Loomis?

Gale: [shocked] What?

Mickey: BILLY'S MOTHER!

[Gale turns around and sees Mickey]

Mickey: Nice twist huh? Didn't see it coming, did you?

[laughs]

Gale: [still shocked] Jesus. It can't be, I've seen pictures of you.

Sydney: Yeah this is 60 pounds and a lot of work later.

Debbie: [takes off her trench coat] It's called a makeover. You should try it. Look a little tired yourself there, Gale!

Derek: Oh thank god Sidney, I thought I was gonna be up there until opening night.

Sydney: Oh shit, the killer is here. He killed Hallie, he's here. Shit, who tied these?

Derek: What are you talking about?

Sydney: The killer! He's here!

Derek: Where?

Phone Voice: Right here.

[pause; heavy, deep breaths]

Phone Voice: You're fast, Sid.

[Sidney resumes trying to untie Derek]

Phone Voice: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You really want to trust your boyfriend?

Mickey: Don't you know, history repeats itself? Hmm, Sid?

[removes mask to reveal Mickey; uses voice-changer]

Phone Voice, Mickey: Surprise, Sidney.

Derek: What the fuck?

Mickey: Since Derek here disappeared on my ass, I've been on my own, all fucking night. Thanks a lot, partner.

Derek: You motherfucker! Sid, you know me better than that. Untie me.

Sydney: Oh my god, Derek!

Derek: No, no, no... Sid.

Mickey: It's okay, Derek. We got her.

Derek: No, no, Sid, listen to me. You know me better than that. He's lying.

Mickey: What do you think, Derek? Sidney's experiencing a little deja vu?

Mickey: Sid, he's lying! The man is lying! Sid, untie me! Untie me!

Mickey: Hmm. Boyfriend, killer. Boyfriend, killer. Boyfriend, killer.

Derek: No, I am gonna fucking kill you! You are dead! Dead!...

[Mickey shoots Derek in the chest, near heart]

Mickey: [holding a knife, slightly out of breath] Sid...

[chuckles]

Mickey: You got a Linda Hamilton thing going. No, no. It's nice. I like it.

[Derek is careened up on a pulley]

Mickey: Now who is doing that? Could that be... the mystery guest waiting in the wings? Told you I had a partner, Sid. Surprise cameo just for you.

Sydney: [Gale conveniently comes in the room] Gale.

[Then Mrs. Loomis comes in, the audience finding out she is holding a gun to Gale]

[when asked what is written on the gravestone]

Mickey: It says, "Born by fire, dies by fire." What it means, don't ask me. It don't even rhyme.

Villager: Who'd have use for a dead man's hand, Mister Mickey, sir?

Mickey: Witches, my boy. There's evil around.

Mickey: What is this some kinda Girl Scout thing or somethin'?

Mickey: Let's grill the chews and drain the brews!

Mickey: There's a feeling that I get sometimes. It's like my brain just says, "Bye, Mickey. I'm leaving you. Fuck you. Good luck." And then I'm there.

Alex Weaver: Please, I need to go to the bathroom.

Mickey: Gee, I dunno. What've you done for me lately?

Alex Weaver: Please I need to pee, what do you want, me to go on the floor?

Mickey: That ain't my carpet.