Michael Shayne Quotes in Blonde for a Day (1946)

[Mike's best friend, Tim Rourke, has been shot]

Inspector Pete Rafferty: The police are handling this case and we haven't asked for any outside help.

Michael Shayne: I don't feel like fighting with you, Rafferty. All I want is the person responsible for *that*.

Inspector Pete Rafferty: So does everyone. What do you supposed a detective bureau is for?

Michael Shayne: I've often wondered.

[Phyllis finds Mike sitting on the floor of Tim's apartment rubbing his chin]

Phyllis Hamilton: Oh, now you look natural. Mike Shayne, can't I leave you for an hour without you getting beaten up?

Michael Shayne: Seems like old times. I guess I was getting soft.

Phyllis Hamilton: Are you hurt?

Michael Shayne: No. No, just my vanity.

[addressing Brenner when his two henchmen enter his office]

Michael Shayne: Ah, the affidavit collectors. Of course, they're not working for you - or will you fool me and tell me the truth?

Burly Henchman: How come Bugeye let him in?

Michael Shayne: Bugeye is now Shuteye. He's a sucker for a left.

[to Mike after he confronts Brenner and his thugs]

Phyllis Hamilton: What, no black eye?

Michael Shayne: It's the day off for the strong-arm boys. They only work five days a week now, you know - union regulations.

Michael Shayne: Is Mrs. Smith a brunette?

Doorman: No sir! You never seen a blonde like that lady. Why, she'd shine in the dark!

Michael Shayne: There's too many blondes in this case. I'm having blonde nightmares. I hope I never see another blonde as long as I live.

Phyllis Hamilton: May I have that in writing?

Michael Shayne: ...With options.

[last lines]

Phyllis Hamilton: Tim, notice anything strange about Mike?

Tim Rourke: No. What?

Phyllis Hamilton: This is the first time he ever got through a case without being laid out like a rug.

Michael Shayne: Let me tell you one thing - nobody ever lays Mike Shayne out like a rug!

[a nurse entering Tim's room slams the door into Mike's head, knocking him out]

Tim Rourke: [talking on the telephone] Give me the Admission desk... Send another bed up to Room 216.

[interviewing an African-American doorman]

Michael Shayne: I'm in the market for some information.

Doorman: You've come to the right market, suh... the black market. Sellin' information is what I is most fond of.

Michael Shayne: [to the Ramsey's butler] My hat, Marmaduke.

Archibauld, the Butler: The name, sir, is Archibauld.

Michael Shayne: Well, don't feel to bad about it. It could happen to anyone.

[waving the newspaper with Tim's article]

Detective Pete Rafferty: What's the idea of this hogwash in the afternoon paper? Are you trying to make a fool out of me?

Michael Shayne: Why should I when you do such a good job for yourself?

Michael Shayne: I'll give you a line on the story I want in the afternoon paper. I'm going out to the Chariot Arms. C'mon, I'll drop you off at the office.

Tim Rourke, Reporter: Okay, but I don't see what you can do with a lot of hogwash.

Michael Shayne: What have I got to lose?

Tim Rourke, Reporter: Nothin' but my job.

[Mike is a customer at a men's clothing store]

Smiley Joe Bishop: It fits you like a glove!

Michael Shayne: It should fit me like a suit.

Inspector Pierson: [Picks up dog's head mask] What's this?

Michael Shayne: Oh, I found that on Lathrop's head. The murderer must have put it there after he shot him.

Inspector Pierson: What did he do that for?

Michael Shayne: Oh, maybe he liked Airedales, I don't know.

Al -Police Detective: I had a dog like that once, it'd eat anything, it was very fond of children.

Michael Shayne: The stork that delivered you should be arrested for peddling dope.

Michael Shayne: Oh, a cherry coke will fix ya up.

Michael Shayne: Ah... you'd find rust on the pearly gates.

Michael Shayne: Madame, my card!

Kay Bentley: [reading] Michael Shayne, Private Detective!

Michael Shayne: Mmmm-hmmm!

Kay Bentley: Sleeping on your own time now, huh?

Michael Shayne: Yep! Oh, and meeting a much finer class of thugs!

Michael Shayne: [after reading a newspaper article] Hey, get this! Here's a guy who's got 26 kids. Must be driven stork mad!

Kay Bentley: My editor wants a feature story - the woman's angle!

Michael Shayne: Oh, tear gas, huh?

Kay Bentley: Mike, when I interview him, would it be all right if I mention your name?

Michael Shayne: Yeah, sure, if you wanna hear some new words.

Kay Bentley: She's an old schoolmate of mine from grammar school.

Michael Shayne: I haven't seen any old girls.

Kay Bentley: Oh, she's not old - about my age.

Michael Shayne: And still goin' to grammar school? My, she's a little mentally round-shouldered!

Tom Linscott: Smoke?

Michael Shayne: No, thanks. Wrong vice!

Michael Shayne: [seeing the door of his train compartment open] Come in.

Carl Izzard: Good evening, Mr. Shayne, my name is...

Michael Shayne: Carl Izzard!

Carl Izzard: How'd ya know?

Michael Shayne: I don't know. You just look like a guy who'd have a name like Izzard!

Michael Shayne: [seeing Kay's arm caught in the drop-down berth] Put a torch in your hand and you could pass for the Statue of Liberty.

Michael Shayne: We can lose ourselves in the Frisco fog and just kick the town around generally.

Kay Bentley: Oh, Mike, I'd love to, but I've gotta get back to Denver.

Michael Shayne: Look, just give me two days, and then if I don't put a ring on your finger, I guarantee to put a couple under your eyes.

Michael Shayne: You drive a pawnbroker's bargain!

Ethel: Merle's gettin' married today.

Michael Shayne: Gettin' married? She can't do that to me!

Ethel: You can't blame her none, Mike. After all, she was caught between a stiff breeze and plenty of wind.

Michael Shayne: Talk English!

Ethel: Well, you gave her a stiff breeze, and he gave her plenty of wind.

Michael Shayne: Who is he?

Michael Shayne: Well, he sells us the Fournier One-Minute Wart Remover. And, boy, is it fo-nay!

Rudolf Hagerman: Exactly who are you?

Michael Shayne: [In a mocking tone] Exactly Oliver Twist!

Juan Arturo O'Hara: She's what I call a very attractive woman!

Michael Shayne: Yeah, she's a very regular fella too.

Michael Shayne: [Giving up trying to batter open the door as the hold fills up with water] Hey, it's no use! How good are you at drowning?

Juan Arturo O'Hara: I did fine last time.

Michael Shayne: [Climbing on top of a crate] Come on. Let's pick ourselves a comfortable spot to do it.

Catherine Wolff: Now, you'll have to get some clothes and a toothbrush.

Michael Shayne: Ah, no, no! Not Michael Shayne and Company! His office is in his hat, and

[motioning to a suitcase in the back seat]

Michael Shayne: his home is in his car.

Michael Shayne: [Referring to Wolff and his money] Beneath all those millions beats a heart of ice... dry ice!

Michael Shayne: [referring to Wolff] He's a pretty tough old cookie!

Catherine Wolff: Oh, don't be so hard on him. He's really very sweet.

Michael Shayne: Oh, yeah? Well, so's arsenic! I understand it tastes just like sugar!

Michael Shayne: [amazed at the size of the bathroom] DeMille have something to do with this?

Michael Shayne: Say, what do you use for brains - feathers?

Alfred Dunning: [after being caught eavesdropping at the door] I'm Dunning, Mr. Wolff's secretary. If I can be of any service, please let me know.

Michael Shayne: I'll send up a flare.

Michael Shayne: [after Dunning leaves] Who's that - Dumbo?

Catherine Wolff: Oh, no, Dunning. Well, he's been with Dad 25 years. I wouldn't worry about him.

Michael Shayne: [dryly] Oh, I'm not worried. He was just wandering by and got his ear caught in the door.

Catherine Wolff: Well, Dad hates the idea that some day he's going to die - simply can't stand it!

Michael Shayne: [laconically] Somebody must have told him the good die young.

Michael Shayne: [talking to a lab skeleton] Have a cigarette, Mr. Bones?

Michael Shayne: [speaking in the skeleton's voice while moving the jaw] Don't care if I do.

Michael Shayne: I saw your lips move.

Michael Shayne: [Recovering from a jolt of electricity] Is my face changed?

Catherine Wolff: You do look sort of funny.

Michael Shayne: Well, there's no change then.

Chief Jonathan Meek: [referring to Peggy, the cook, a former girlfriend] She's been sore at me ever since I took her to that Halloween dances last year.

Michael Shayne: Yeah?

Chief Jonathan Meek: Yeah, she forgot her mask. All I said was "You don't need one." Women's funny ctitters!

Michael Shayne: [laconically] You know I can't understand why she should be sore.

Mrs. Murdock: When I say 10 o'clock, I don't mean 9:50, not 9:59, I mean 10 o'clock!

Michael Shayne: Well, Mrs. Murdoch, you know what the book says about the early bird.

Mrs. Murdock: There are no worms here.

Michael Shayne: Well, you can't tell what you're liable to find in an old barn like this.

Mrs. Murdock: Oh, you're not quite what I expected, Mr. Shayne.

Michael Shayne: Well, what did you expect - top hat, striped trousers and cutaway?

Mrs. Murdock: Hardly - something fat and exported with dirty fingernails chewing on a filthy cigar butt and with its hat on its head.

[Mrs. Murdoch suspects her gold-digging daughter-in-law of stealing and selling one of her most valuable coins]

Michael Shayne: So what's worrying you the most?

Mrs. Murdock: Both. I'm hiring you to get the doubloon back and arrange for a divorce for my son without cost to me.

Michael Shayne: Suppose she didn't take it?

Mrs. Murdock: I expect you to prove that she did and I'm asking no questions.

Michael Shayne: [to Murdoch] Well, business is really picking up when the worm comes to the early bird.

Michael Shayne: Is Mrs. Morny in?

Morny's Houseboy: She's not home.

Michael Shayne: Wait a minute. How do you know if you don't ask her?

Morny's Houseboy: She already told me.

Michael Shayne: Oh, by the way, what did she look like?

Elisha Washburn: She?

Michael Shayne: Well, all right then. What did *he* look like?

Elisha Washburn: Oh, you mean the party that sold me the doubloon?

Michael Shayne: Yeah.

Elisha Washburn: Well, let me see... He was middle-aged, heavy set, about 5'7", weighing about 175 pounds. He wore a blue suit, black shoes, green tie and brown-bordered handkerchief. His hair was gray. There was a mole on his nose and a long scar...

Michael Shayne: What about that hole in his right sock?

Elisha Washburn: I neglected to remove his shoes.

Ina Smithers, receptionist: Why are we whispering?

Michael Shayne: We lost our voices.

Lt. Breeze: And don't leave town. We want a statement!

Michael Shayne: You can have the one the bank sent me. You'll get a great laugh out of that.

Michael Shayne: There you are. All this extra service I throw in free.

Linda Conquest Murdock: You know, you're not a bad brand of trouble, Mike. I'm sorry our friendship has to be so short.

Michael Shayne: What do you mean short? As long as I think you have the doubloon, I have to keep an eye on you.

Linda Conquest Murdock: Then you don't believe me?

Michael Shayne: Nope. You see, my mama told me never to trust a beautiful woman any further than I could throw her and I don't know how far that is now.

Lt. Breeze: All right. Come on, Shayne, I'm anxious to hear all about it.

Michael Shayne: You better take a look in there.

Lt. Breeze: Oh yeah? Sight unseen, I'll lay odds somebody's dead.

[last lines]

Michael Shayne: Say, how long are you going to be in Reno?

Linda Conquest Murdock: Just six weeks.

Michael Shayne: That's swell. I'll give you a ring the moment you get back to town.

Linda Conquest Murdock: You will? I may hold you to that.

Michael Shayne: To what?

Linda Conquest Murdock: I have a first class witness in Lieutenant Breeze that you're going to marry me. Driver, Union Depot, please.

Michael Shayne: Hey, wait a minute. You can't do that to me!... Or can she?

[first lines]

[Mike is speaking on the phone to a potential client with his feet propped on his desk revealing the holes in the soles of his shoes]

Michael Shayne: You want what? Oh, references. Well, sure, I'd glad to give you some references. You can call Senator Hugh Oglethorpe - no, no, no, you'd better not. I beat Hughie playing golf yesterday. You can call Sid Dreyfuss. Mm-hmm. That's Judge Sidney Dreyfuss, yeah - the State Supreme Court. Oh, that reminds me; I'm supposed to have dinner with him tonight. Pardon me while I make a note of that, will you?

Michael Shayne: Hey, Steve, that brooch is as phony as a mother-in-law's kiss.

Michael Shayne: What do I get paid off in?

Larry Kincaid: Nice pictures of Washington and Lincoln with numbers on them - big numbers!

Michael Shayne: [smelling one of Gordon's cigar] It's a good cigar. Hasn't got that awful smell of tobacco.

Aunt Olivia: When I was young - I mean a little younger - in New York I played Madame Butterfly.

Michael Shayne: You did?

Aunt Olivia: Mmmm-hmmm.

Michael Shayne: What race?

Chief Painter: When are you gonna start talking straight?

Michael Shayne: Not until my attorney gets out of law school!

Chief Painter: [arriving to find Shayne at the murder scene] Shayne? What are you doing here?

Michael Shayne: Ask me later. I haven't thought of an answer yet.

Aunt Olivia: It was the great piano mystery. The body was found under the piano, his throat was strangled with piano wires, the soft pedal was found imbedded in his neck, and somebody had completely severed the head from the body. He was dead!

Michael Shayne: [dryly] Oh, suicide, hmmm?

Phyllis Brighton: [as Shayne returns to the mansion after being knocked unconscious] What happened to you?

Michael Shayne: I tore my pants.

Phyllis Brighton: Your head! What'd you do to it?

Michael Shayne: It was open by mistake.

Ponsby, Brightons' Butler: [admiring the large mansion] Quite a little nest you have here, Ponsby!

Ponsby, Brightons' Butler: Yes, sir. We think it rather cozy.

Michael Shayne: Cozy, heh!

[laughs]

Michael Shayne: I'll bet if you walk in your sleep, you need a bicycle.

[first lines]

[Mike finds his secretary doing calisthenics in his office]

Michael Shayne: Angel, what are you doing?

Phyllis Hamilton: My beauty exercises, Mike.

Michael Shayne: You don't need to do that.

Phyllis Hamilton: Oh, no? With all those dizzy blondes throwing themselves at you, I'm not taking any chances. Besides, I want you to love me when I'm old and gray.

Michael Shayne: Why should a couple of years make a difference? Anyway, I'm allergic to blondes. Can I help it if I'm irresistible?

Helen Brimstead: I can't keep paying blackmail the rest of my life.

Michael Shayne: What do you want me to do?

Helen Brimstead: Well, he's an escaped convict. If you tried to arrest him and he should resist, you could...

Michael Shayne: Knock him off?

Helen Brimstead: If that's what you want to call it.

Michael Shayne: It's a little out of my line. I haven't killed a husband in some time.

[Tim is rummaging through Phyllis' desk]

Michael Shayne: What are you looking for?

Tim Rourke: Bodies.

Michael Shayne: Oh, the janitor probably swept them out this morning.

Michael Shayne: I think I'll go see a blonde about a man.

Phyllis Hamilton: Okay, let's go.

Michael Shayne: Oh, well, I won't need you this time - strictly business.

Phyllis Hamilton: Your definition of business seems very elastic.

Phyllis Hamilton: Mike, your repulsive blonde is on the phone.

Michael Shayne: You mean "impulsive".

Tim Rourke: Hey, Mike. You're still holding out. Why? Don't you trust a federal agent or are you gambling with Phyll's life to cut yourself in on the deal?

Michael Shayne: Is that the way it looks to you?

Tim Rourke: Yeah.

Michael Shayne: You better get yourself a pair of glasses.

[last lines]

[with the case wrapped up, Tim slugs Mike]

Tim Rourke: I hated to do that Mike.

Michael Shayne: That's all right. I had it coming.

Drunk: Hey! I didn't know I was livin' next door to a den of criminals. She was mighty cute, though. I tried to get better acquainted.

Michael Shayne: Yeah? You're lucky you didn't make the grade. You might have wound up in the morgue.

[first lines]

[Mike and Phyllis are practicing making duck calls]

Gil Madden: It's a good thing for you I'm not hunting ducks.

Michael Shayne: Yeah? What are you hunting?

Gil Madden: A guy named Michael Shayne.

[Phyllis hangs up on potential client so Mike will go on his vacation instead]

Michael Shayne: It was just one of my boyfriends.

Phyllis Hamilton: The one with teeth like a rabbit?

Michael Shayne: No, the one with the two heads.

Mayme Martin: Must we talk business right away? I've been sort of lonely.

Michael Shayne: [glances at Mayme's ashtray] Mm-hmm. Do you always smoke cigars when you're lonely?

Mayme Martin: Well, I never get *that* lonely.

Mayme Martin: When Payson does call you, look me up before you go to Santa Rosita.

Michael Shayne: Why not.

Mayme Martin: And if you get lonesome some night, stop in at the Green Lantern and I'll sing you a lullaby.

Michael Shayne: Thanks, but I have my cat and my pipe.

Mayme Martin: Just a minute tall, dark and loathsome! Remember, I don't give any information *before* I get paid off.

Michael Shayne: Sister, the kind of game you're playing, you're a cinch to get paid off - plenty!

[Mike awakens after being shot to find the lovely Phyllis leaning over his bed]

Michael Shayne: Heaven, huh? I never thought I'd make it.

Albert Payson: Shayne, I see you weren't injured too seriously, either.

Michael Shayne: No, as long as they shoot me in the head, I guess I'm all right. The bullets just glance off.

Michael Shayne: I have a hunch that one of you guys is a duck and the other a decoy. As soon as I know enough to call my shots, I'll be back for some answers.

Michael Shayne: I'll bet you a kiss I'll be back before you are.

Phyllis Hamilton: Oh, Mike, you know I don't approve of gambling.

Michael Shayne: Oh, it's no gamble - it's a sure thing!

Det. Peter Rafferty: You know, Boyle and I were about to wrap up this case, too, Shayne. After all, we weren't born yesterday.

Michael Shayne: Why, sure you boys weren't born yesterday - too nice a day.

[last lines]

[as Mike bends over to kiss Phyllis, his secretary lets out a blast on her duck call]

Michael Shayne: Now, that one had feeling!

Det. Peter Rafferty: Would it be askin' too much to let me in on your little secret, or do I have to beat it out of you with my own two hands?

Phyllis Hamilton: Now, Pete, Mike's in no condition to argue.

Michael Shayne: Nooo. Mustn't be upset - doctor's orders.

Phyllis Hamilton: Why don't you come back in the morning when you're more rested and your mind is clear.

Michael Shayne: At least you'll be rested, Pete.

[Stallings wants Mike to postpone his vacation to hunt for his missing stepdaughter, giving him a hefty check as an inducement]

Phyllis Hamilton: The nerve of some people. They can't take no for an answer.

Michael Shayne: Well, you don't want to be too hard on Stallings, dear. You'd be desperate, too, if a member of your family were missing.

[shows Phyllis the check]

Michael Shayne: Look - isn't it pretty?

Phyllis Hamilton: Where's your suitcase, darling? Our taxi's waiting.

Michael Shayne: Oh, ah, well, you know after you left, I got to thinking...

Phyllis Hamilton: And you decided to postpone our vacation.

Michael Shayne: Well, no, not exactly. Well, as a matter of fact, after you left I did a little telephoning. I got a lead. Angel, I can find that missing girl inside of 48 hours.

Phyllis Hamilton: Fine, I'll stay and help you.

Michael Shayne: Angel, I said I could find her in 48 hours. That's without you - with you, it's indefinite.

Michael Shayne: Well, come right in, gentlemen. You, too, Rafferty.

Michael Shayne: What are you here for, business or pleasure?

Det. Sgt. Pete Rafferty: Both! It will be a pleasure to give you the business!