Michael Bolton Quotes in Office Space (1999)

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.

Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton: There *was* nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir: Hmm... well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?

Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Michael Bolton: PC load letter! What the fuck does that mean?

Tom Smykowski: It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.

Michael Bolton: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.

Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.

Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.

Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?

Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.

Peter Gibbons: [about the plan to steal from Initech] Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.

Samir: Of course.

Michael Bolton: Agreed,

Lawrence: [from the next apartment through the wall] Don't worry, man. I won't tell anyone either.

Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?

Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.

Michael Bolton: Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven't been showing up and you get to keep your job.

Peter Gibbons: Actually, I'm being promoted.

Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys.

Michael Bolton: What's up, G?

Peter Gibbons: Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee?

Samir: Oh, it's a little early.

Peter Gibbons: I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.

Female Temp: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting as they hang around the printer]

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir: So what did you say?

Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities...

Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...

[printer starts beeping]

Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?

Michael Bolton: We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.

Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison!

Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.

Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.

Samir: Piece of shit.

Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?

Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.

Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?

Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.

Peter Gibbons: [discussing the possibility of going to prison] This isn't Riyadh. You know they're not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?

Samir: Really?

Peter Gibbons: Yes.

Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you're going to lose your job and you're still here.

Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I'll bet I'm the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS...