Michael Quotes in Hot Fuzz (2007)

[repeated line]

Michael: Yarp.

CJ: Excuse me, not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me see if I grasp this concept, okay? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store where we watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy-movie, jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit? Then we're going to drive across the ruined city through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals. All so we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?

[Points to Steve]

CJ: Head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist?

Kenneth: Yeah.

Tucker: Pretty much, yeah.

Ana: [nods her head]

Michael: Yeah.

Steve: [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"]

CJ: Okay. I'm in.

Michael: Truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor.

Steve: No, forget the truck. That place is fucked, man. Bloodbath city.

Kenneth: How do you know?

Norma: We just came from there.

Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?

Steve: Or dead-ish.

Kenneth: [more firm tone] Is everyone there dead?

Steve: Yeah, in the sense that they all, sort of, fell down, and then... got up and... started eating each other.

Michael: So what's the plan?

CJ: The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.

Terry: [Deleted scene/Unrated Version scene]

[covers the corpses on the floor]

Terry: Somebody should say something.

Ana: Yeah.

Michael: Glen?

Glen: No.

Ana: You worked in a church.

Glen: I played the organ.

CJ: Come on, man. You must've heard the priest say something about life and death.

Glen: It was a job. I don't believe in God. I don't see how anyone could.

Michael: There's no point in arguing about this. We need a solution. We need to get some food over there.

Steve: Okay. I have an idea. We draw straws and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.

Ana: Could you be a bigger prick?

Steve: I think so. But, you know, that's irrelevant. My question to you is, what's your plan?

Andre: [Deleted scene/Unrated Version scene]

[to Michael]

Andre: Hey, my man. You know, I hear you talking a lot. You know, you're always saying something. Who the fuck are you that we should listen, huh? What are you, like, in Special Ops? You in the Marines? What the fuck do you do?

Michael: I sell televisions at Best Buy.

Andre: [to Kenneth] Wow.

[chuckling]

Andre: Hey, Officer, how you like following a guy that sells TVs?

Kenneth: About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone.

Michael: I want you to see this.

[shows how the chainsaw goes through the truck walls]

Michael: When those things are on the side of the bus, this'll get them off. Cool, huh?

Ana: Wow. That might be the most romantic thing anyone's ever shown me.

Michael: I'm trying here.

Michael: Officer, sir, you do not want to go that way.

Ana: Why? What's that way?

Michael: It's pretty bad.

Andre: It's hell.

Kenneth: What about Fort Pastor?

Andre: Maybe if you had wings. The road's thick with those motherfuckers that way.

Kenneth: How do you know?

Andre: We just tried.

Michael: Back when there was eight of us. We're going to the mall.

Michael: I know which job I was the worst at. Being a husband.

Monica: That's not a job.

Tucker: It sure is.

Monica: You guys just haven't met the right girl.

Michael: [to Norma on her rescue] Well done.

Norma: Thanks.

Steve: Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me... when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?

Michael: You coming with us?

Kenneth: Nah, you're coming with me. I've done this before.

Kenneth: You know how to use that?

Michael: [pointing to the gun barrel] This is the dangerous end, right?

Kenneth: [Taking the safety off] Now it is.

Steve: Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Why does he stay here while I go on the suicide mission to rescue Terry's already-dead girlfriend?

Terry: Fuck you, man!

Michael: We don't know that.

CJ: You know what, asshole? Either way we gotta get over there and get the guns to get out of this parking lot, all right?

Michael: Those things are down there!

CJ: Well, these are all your problems, not mine.

Kenneth: If I put my foot up your ass, would that be your problem?

Kenneth: You sure you wanna do this?

Michael: Yeah. I think I'll just stay here awhile. Enjoy the sunrise.

Michael: Help should be along soon.

Steve: Did you hear that from the same jackass who told us to go to St. Verbena?

Michael: The church downtown?

Steve: Yeah, some dipshit on the radio said it was safe there... He was wrong!

Michael: You come with me, or you go back in that cell.

CJ: All right. I ain't going anywhere without a gun.

Michael: [Breaks a glass case holding a fire ax, throws it to CJ] Have at them, cowboy!

CJ: Asshole.

Steve: [Waiting by the trucks, sees everybody running to them] Hey, what the hell happened to you guys?

Michael: Give me the keys!

Ana: [Running past] Prick!

CJ: [Pushes Steve] I'll deal with you later, motherfucker!

Michael: Steve, don't fuck this up!

Steve: Yeah, totally.

Michael: [Everyone is sitting down to dinner] Before that I worked in a stationary store. And I drove a snowplow. Fixed copiers.

Steve: God, it's such a shame that this whole "end of the world" thing's holding you back.

Ana: Michael, you can't do this, what if I'm wrong?

Michael: You've seen it happen before!

Bart: [In the parking garage] What the fuck was that? I just saw something.

CJ: You didn't see shit, Bart. Shut the fuck up.

Bart: Oh, shit. Here it comes.

[a dog turns the corner]

Bart: Jesus Christ! It's a fucking dog.

Michael: [to dog] Come here, boy. Well, at least you know nothing's down here. It would've eaten him.

Bart: See? I told you I saw something!

Michael: When God chose your kind as the object of His love, I was the first in all of heaven to bow down before you. My love, my hope for mankind was no less than His. But I have watched you trample that gift. I have watched you kill each other over race and greed... waging war over dust and rubble and the words in old books. And yet, in the midst of all this darkness, I see some people who will not be bowed. I see some people who will not give up, even when they know all hope is lost. Some people, who realize being lost is so close to being found. I see you, Jeep. Fifteen years old, your mother leaves. Your father withdraws from the world and you spend the next five years of your young life helping him find his way home. You love a woman who bears the child of another and you love her with no thought of yourself, even though you know she may never love you the way you love her. You, Jeep... you are the reason I still have faith.

Gabriel: This can't be. You've disobeyed Him.

Michael: You gave Him what he asked for. I gave Him what He needed.

Bob Hanson: You know this is crazy, right? I mean... I don't even believe in God.

Michael: Well, that's just fine, Bob. He doesn't believe in you either.

Gabriel: [Michael has just spared Gabriel] I would not have shown you such mercy.

Michael: I know. That's why you failed Him.

Gabriel: This is not your test, Michael. How dare you presume to know His heart?

Michael: [putting a hand to his chest] Because He made this one. And it tells me He shouldn't lose faith now.

Michael: Alright, there's a safety switch on the side of your weapon, you won't be needing it. Push it all the way down, two clicks. Now when this starts, you hold on tight. Otherwise you're gonna blow your hand off.

Percy Walker: [Everyone looks at Percy, who has a prosthetic hand] What the fuck y'all lookin' at me for?

Michael: The last time God lost faith in Man, He sent a flood. This time, He sent what you see outside.

Percy Walker: Are you saying this is the apocalypse?

Michael: I'm saying this is an extermination.

Michael: I knew He'd send you, Gabriel... You were always so eager to please Him.

Gabriel: Unlike you... The rebellious son.

Michael: Tell me, Gabriel. Do you wish to be the son who gives his father what he asks for, or what he needs?

Michael: [inserts magazine into assault rifle] Listen. I simply don't care what you people believe. And those things outside, they don't care either, they just want the child dead. Now, this first attack was a test of our strength, the next will be a test of our weakness. Now, we can sit here and discuss it or you can try to help me. But believe me, something much worse is on the way.

[racks assault rifle]

Michael: Now at least the child will have a chance to grow up. A chance to lead the world out of darkness.

Charlie: What happens until then?

Michael: You need to show him how.

Charlie: What makes you think I can do that? What makes you think I want to do that? If he's so important, why don't you take him?

Michael: Because this journey is yours.

Gabriel: They have brought this judgment on themselves.

Michael: They are just lost. It is our duty to guide them.

Michael: I knew he'd send you Gabriel, you were always so eager to please him.

Gabriel: Unlike you.

Michael: What are you? Bionic?

Zohan: No, no, no, no, no, I only like the girls... Thanks anyways.

Michael: Well, tonight's our night for the Community Nightwatch.

Zohan: The Communism tight crotch? What?

Michael: You know... we're all alone up here.

Zoe: You remember when I said you could do better than Kira?

Michael: Uh huh.

Zoe: Well, I didn't mean *this* much better.

Michael: [tries to open a door] It's stuck.

Zoe: Move.

[tries to open the door]

Zoe: It's stuck!

Michael: No shit!

Michael: This could've been a classy joint back in the day.

Melissa: What do you know about class?

Kira: Michael? You didn't have to come back for us.

Michael: I didn't wanna walk out of here alone.

Michael: What's up, Squeaker Tweaker?

Kira: Fuck you, Michael!

Michael: [laughs] Been there. Done that.

[to the rest of the group]

Michael: I used to hit that.

Kira: Is that what you call it?

Margaret: Michael, is it?

Michael: Yeah. You want me to be shot-caller?

Margaret: No, no. We want you to your mop. The lavatory's over there.

Melissa: [Opening her lunch] I specifically asked for no meat.

Tye: Granola Girl's on the rampage.

Michael: Should've left her tofu-munching ass back in County.

Melissa: [Michael throws a can at a stray dog she's trying to feed. It runs away] Fucking moron!

Michael: [laughing] What?

Melissa: He's starving!

Michael: What? He's a fucking stray dog. Who gives a shit?

Zoe: [Michael offers Melissa some weed] Hommeade aspirin? Hell yeah.

Michael: How about it, Granola Girl? It's organic.

Zoe: Bring it on.

Kira: [Michael walks in on her showering] How the fuck did you get in here?

Michael: You should be used to me coming in the back door.

Michael: Anyone for some interior redecorating?

[Starts smashing lights]

Michael: Why are you doing this? Stop it!

Mr. Big: You wanna know why I'm doing this, do you? I just wanna get everybody high, Man. You know, some good drugs. That's all.

Michael: Do it and you're dead.

Mr. Big: Let's give her a shot of this.

Steven Spielberg: [when Michael accidentally runs in on his set] Cut! You hairball, I'll never finish this movie! Who let him in? Isn't anybody in charge? Don't you know ANYTHING about show business?

Michael: I'm sorry.

Steven Spielberg: My producer is doing this to me, isn't he? I ask for a BAD guy and he gives me Michael Jackson? I can't take it anymore!

Cowboy: Hey, pilgrim, you wanna ruin my career, I'LL show you *bad*.

Michael: Sorry, I gotta go. Bye.

Cowboy: Let's get the varmit.

Michael: Let her go!

Mr. Big: Shut up! Don't you talk to me. You shut up!

[after a wire sprays sparks and scares the kids]

Michael: [laughs] It's just a plug! It's just a plug.

Zeke 'Baby Bad' Michael: Yeah, you jumped back too.

Mr. Big: [pinning Katie down with his foot, after beating up Michael, to a guard] Kill her first!

Katie: Michael!

Mr. Big: [to Katie] Shut up!

Michael: [screaming] LEAVE HER ALONE!

[spotlights shatter as his voice echos]

Michael: [a traffic cop points to a "No Moonwalking" sign] Me and my friend, Spike, we were just... But, my friend, he was just... Spike, he was just here...

Police Officer: [Hands him a ticket pad] I need your autograph right HERE.

Michael: Do it and your dead.

Michael: Is this an interview or a hit?

Violet: Whatever man.

Violet: You got any more cookies?

Michael: Don't worry about the dead man in the bath tub, it's not what it looks like.

Michael: i'm going to die and i'd rather not take the scenic route.

Michael: Who is number one?

Daisy: No one's ever seen him. But he once killed three ninjas. With a fingernail file.

Alan Hakman: I need to speak to you alone.

Thelma: Michael, why don't you go down to the store and buy some cigarettes?

Michael: We got eight packs already.

Thelma: Well, bring them back then. We don't need so many.

Hasan: This girl was a complete wreck - drinking, drugs, in and out of schools. Then she turns 21... and she finds out about her Zoe implant. Complete 180. She's born again. Her knowing that someone would one day watch... transforms her into this kind, gentle, loving person.

Michael: So what happened?

Hasan: She committed suicide. Took a dive off her balcony... 27 floors straight onto her head. The implant was instantly vapourized.

Commander Hung: [appearing as a hologram] So good evening, teacher!

Tracy Lee: [gasps] What's that?

Michael: Hey, look there.

[Tracy looks and Michael applies a pressure point, causing Tracy to faint]

Michael: I don't want trouble commander. But if you threaten my friends... I'll interfere.

Commander Hung: I think you're confusing the facts, teacher! You were created to kill... you were not created to serve and protect. These humans may find your powers impressive, but against the 701 Squad you are not invincible. The 701 Squad now answers to no-one, and together we can have the absolute power!

Michael: I think when you lost all your feelings commander, you lost something else along the way. I think you lost your mind.

Commander Hung: Listen to me! I'll let you come back with us immediately. No other chance!

Michael: I belong here! Not with you!

Commander Hung: So you want to feel again? Very sweet. Goodbye then, teacher... that's all. Sorry to hurt your feelings.

Michael: [after finding out something went wrong with his friend, Rock] Something's wrong! I'll go to save him.

Tracy Lee: Are we going down the gutter?

Michael: You can't go. It's too dangerous.

Tracy Lee: Why?

Michael: I can't let you take any more risks. If I don't come back in a half-hour, you should leave here at once.

Tracy Lee: Wait. Let me look at your face.

Michael: Why?

Tracy Lee: Because you promised me that.

Michael: You promise you'll keep this a secret?

Tracy Lee: Promise. I won't even tell Tsui Chik, that nerd!

[Tsui removes his mask, and it shocks Tracy. After showing some laughter, she hugs Tsui]

Michael: I'm leaving.

Tracy Lee: [shouts after Tsui] I'll wait for you for dinner!

Cailyn: I knew you'd find me if I let myself be caught. I'm so glad you've come back to join us.

Michael: [smiles] Come back? No Cailyn.

Cailyn: It's your fate. No matter what, you're still one of us.

Michael: [watching the children play at the park] If I told you there was a place for us outside of death, without all the killing... that you and I could leave it all behind, just by walking away... would you do it?

Cailyn: [skeptically] Look Michael, let's not pretend we're like these people. We're killers.

Michael: But not machines. Even a killer can choose not to kill.

Michael: I like it here, it's quiet. Nobody ever bothers a librarian.

Commander Hung: [approaches with a rail gun] Teacher. You wanted to be a human. Now you can die like one.

Michael: [removes the black mask] Thank you. I'm honoured. I'd rather die... then live like you.

Commander Hung: Have it your way then, teacher! I'm happy to oblige you!

Cailyn: [after stabbing Michael with a knife] That's from the Commander. He sent me to murder you...

[holds out her hand to him]

Cailyn: but this time, I can save you, if you'll just come back with me.

Michael: There's more to life than just survival. I'd rather die than go back.

Cailyn: We can start over when this is done, just like you said.

Michael: I've got news for you Cailyn... it's never done.

Cailyn: Michael, it is done, when we've made them pay.

Michael: And just how do you propose doing that? By killing them all?

Cailyn: Once we have the Crimewatch files, they will do whatever we want them to.

Michael: I guess I was wrong. We thought we could help each other. Looks like we're both out of luck.

[Michael flees from Cailyn]

[fighting a 701 commando to reach Rock, who has a bomb strapped to him, Michael temporarily gains the upper hand]

Michael: Rock, how long?

Inspector 'Rock' Shek: Stop talking and just kick the motherfucker's ass, would you?

Michael: What the fuck is a white boy like you doin' uptown in a dead man's car?

[first lines]

Michael: June 17th. It has been several months since the death of my wife and daughter. I ask God every day why they were taken from me with one swift blow. I'd begun smoking again - an invitation for death with arms wide open. I free more alone in this world than ever before.

Wendy: Once upon a time there was a boy named Peter Pan, who decided not to grow up.

Hook: Skip the prologue.

Wendy: So he flew away to Neverland where the pirates are.

Hook: What fun he must have had.

Wendy: Yes but he was rather lonely.

Hook: Lonely? He needed a Wendy.

Pirate: I need a Wendy.

Hook: Why a Wendy?

Wendy: He liked my stories.

Hook: What stories?

Wendy: Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty.

Hook: Love stories?

Wendy: Adventures! In which good triumphs over evil!

Hook: They all end in a kiss.

Wendy: [gasps]

Hook: A kiss. He does feel! He feels about you.

Hook: She told him stories. He taught her to fly. How?

Wendy: You just think happy thoughts. They lift you into the air.

Hook: Alas, I have no happy thoughts.

Wendy: That brings you down!

Hook: [Hook threatens to cut Wendy's throat with his hook] How else?

Michael: Fairy dust! You need fairy dust!

The Lost Boys: Michael!

Hook: What of Pan? Would unhappy thoughts bring him down?

Wendy: He has no unhappy thoughts.

Wendy: Peter, I'm sorry I must grow up...

[Hook grabs her]

Wendy: [to Hook] It is just a thimble.

Captain Hook: By all means my beauty, give Peter Pan your precious thimble.

Wendy: This belongs to you and always will.

[Kisses Peter]

John: That was no thimble...

Michael: That was a hidden kiss.

John: [upon meeting Peter] You offend reason, sir.

Michael: Mm-hmm.

John: [sees Peter lift into the air] I should like to offend it with you

Pirate: Beg for your lives.

John: Sirs! My brother and I are English gentlemen. English gentlemen do not beg!

Michael: [Michael gets on his knees] ... Please. Please, don't kill me!

John: [John gets n his knees too] Please, don't kill me either!

Mrs. Darling: There are many different kinds of bravery. There's the bravery of thinking of others before one's self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams.

Michael: Where did he put them?

Mrs. Darling: He put them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer... He does. And that is why he is brave.

John: Michael, are you shot?

Michael: I haven't checked yet, but there's something worser.

John: Oh, what could be worse?

Michael: My thoughts aren't very happy!

[they both fall]

Michael: Mother, can anything harm us after the night lights are lit?

Mrs. Darling: No, Precious. They are the eyes a mother leaves behind to guard her children.

Wendy: He can fly!

John: He can fly!

Michael: He flewed!

Peter Pan: Now you try.

Wendy: I'll think of a mermaid lagoon, underneath a magic moon.

John: I'll think I'm in a pirate's cave.

Michael: I think I'll be an Indian brave.

Peter Pan: Now everybody try.

Wendy, John, Michael, Peter Pan: One, two, three!

Wendy, John, Michael: We can fly! We can fly! We can fly!

[the children all fall to the ground]

Peter Pan: This won't do. What's the matter with you? All it takes is faith and trust. Oh! And something I forgot.

[grabs Tinkerbell]

Peter Pan: Dust!

Wendy, John: Dust?

Michael: Dust?

Peter Pan: Yep, just a little bit of pixie dust.

[taps Tinkerbell a bit with his hand to make golden dust come off and rain down on the kids]

Peter Pan: Now, think of the happiest things. It's the same as having wings.

Michael: [referring to Tinker Bell] Oh, look! A firefly!

Wendy: A pixie.

John: Amazing!

[Tinker Bell angrily gestures at Peter]

Michael: What's the pixie doing?

Peter Pan: Talking.

Wendy: What did she say?

Peter Pan: She says you're a big ugly girl!

[everybody laughs]

Wendy: Oh... well, I think she's lovely.

Wendy: What's the chief doing, John?

John: He's giving an oration in sign language.

Michael: What's he saying?

John: He says... "Peter Pan... mighty warrior... save Tigerlily... make big chief... heap glad."

Wendy: [jokingly] Well, he certainly doesn't look "heap glad".

Indian Chief: How.

John, Lost Boy (Bear), Lost Boy (Fox), Lost Boy (Racoon), Michael: How, Chief. How.

Indian Chief: For many moons, red man fight paleface Lost Boys.

John, Lost Boy (Bear), Lost Boy (Fox), Lost Boy (Racoon), Michael: Ugh.

Indian Chief: Sometime, you win; sometime, we win.

Lost Boy (Bear): Okay, Chief. You win this time. Now turn us loose.

John: Turn us loose? You mean this is only a game?

Lost Boy (Fox): Sure. When we win, we turn them loose.

Lost Boy (Racoon): When they win, they turn us loose.

Indian Chief: This time, no turnum loose.

Lost Boy (Fox): Huh?

[laughs]

Lost Boy (Fox): The chief's a great spoofer!

Indian Chief: Me no spoofum! Where you hide Princess Tiger Lily?

Lost Boy (Bear): Uh, Tiger Lily?

Lost Boy (Fox): We ain't got your ol' princess!

John: I certainly have never seen her.

Lost Boy (Racoon): Me neither.

Indian Chief: Heap big lie! If Tiger Lily not back by sunset... burnum at stake.

John: [as Captain Hook] Blast you, Peter Pan!

Michael: [as Peter Pan] Take that! Give up, Captain Hook? You give up?

John: Never! I'll teach you to cut off me hand!

Wendy: [coming in; chuckling] Oh, no, John, it was the *left* hand.

John: Oh, yes. Thank you, Wendy.

Carole: Listen, Michael. Uh, first thing in the morning, we will take them big-ass drawings of yours up to one of them big cartoon syndicates. You can sell 'em, we'll get some bread, get our clothes out of Angie's house and split for San Francisco. And Shorty can't roll that far.

Michael: I'm gonna tell you, Carole, I don't wanna sell my cartoons to one of them places. They, uh - they ain't gonna buy that crap anyway. I'm an underground cartoonist. That's - that's where I belong.

Carole: So why don't you sell your stuff to your underground friends?

Michael: They don't wanna buy any.

Carole: Now, why that, Mr. Underground?

Michael: 'Cause, well, uh...

[in whisper to Carole]

Michael: I still jack off.

Carole: [Laughing] You are cool!

[Both Laughing]

[first lines]

Michael: What makes you happy? What makes you happy? Where do you go? Where do you go? Where do you hide? Where do you hide? Who do you see? Who do you see? Who do you trust? Who do you trust? Who do you screw? Who do you screw? What kills the pain? What kills the pain? Game up, game win. Bug around, set it straight. Transaction. Play it hard, hurts so bad. Gotta win. Everyone loses. Everthing loses. Gotta win big. Sick and tired of losing. Where does it all go? Where does it all go? Where does it lead us? Where does it lead us? Tilt City, Pinball Alley. Blinkin' lights shot to Hell, fuck it all!

Michael: Mick Jagger I'm not!

Moe: Hey, It's Michael Corleone! What's you doin' now?

[makes pigeon noises]

Moe: What's you doin' now?

Michael: Hey, crazy man! How come you're not down in your basement?

Moe: Well, I, I came to kill your pigeon, boy.

Michael: Ah, that's bullshit, Moe, you're probably peekin' down at the ladies.

Moe: Yeah! My peekin' days long shut down, Michael.

[sadly]

Moe: I ain't there no more. I just ain't there.

[plays his harmonica]

Michael: Ah, you're just a crazy nigger, Moe. Just a goddamn crazy nigger.

Moe: We's all niggers, boy! Ha ha! You an' me, just goddamn crazy niggers! We's all niggers boy. Most of us don't know it yet.

Michael: [passing a joint to Moe] Hey, listen, you want some of this shit?

Moe: Even your pigeon's a nigger! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's why I'm gonna kill him.

Michael: Moe, you ain't gonna do shit!

Moe: Moe: I just ain't there. Every - everybody plays like they there... but they ain't there. I ain't there. Your pigeon ain't there! He flies high like he there, but he don't fly 'less you open that cage. And he got to come back 'cause he's trained to! He ain't there.

Ollie: [pressuring Michael to have sex with a naked girl]

Ollie: Say hello to Rosalyn, Mike.

Rosalyn: Hiya, Mike. I've heard a lot about you...

Ollie: She's good, Mike! She's good!

Rosalyn: Everyone says you're a virgin, Michael.

Michael: Wait a minute! Don't even believe that! You know, everybody talks, they think they know everything. Well, nobody knows nothing. I mean, do I look like a virgin to you?

[Ollie and his friends laugh]

[after accidentally knocking Rosalyn off the roof]

Michael: She had it coming.

Michael: Uh, are you serious about stayin' with me? Cause, I mean, it's really okay with me. I mean, if I could... I could sleep on the floor, and you could... I mean...

Carole: Listen here, white boy, don't hand me that honky shit. "Stay with you." You ain't got nothin' goin' for you. Damn, man! First you help me get my ass kicked out of a good gig, then, cause you think I need you for a few goddamn minutes, you try to jive-ass me for a quick lay? Now, listen here, boy!

[pats her behind]

Carole: As long as Carole got this here good thing,

[taps her head]

Carole: and this here left, ha ha ha! She don't need ANYTHING else unless she wants it, and child, I don't want it.

[Carole shows up at Michael's apartment after being stalked by Shorty]

Carole: Surprise, Sugar. You're on. What you gonna do about it? I mean, you're on for a few days 'til I hook it up?

Michael: Uh, yeah, sure, of course. Right on.

Carole: Right on!

[removing her top]

Carole: Sugar, don't you mean right OFF?

[Michael faints]

Carole: Well, ain't this some shit.

Angie: [referring to Carole] What'd your Jewish momma do now, hire a cleaning lady?

Michael: Pop, this is my girlfriend.

Angie: Get that nigger out of my house!

[a hand comes into the screen and onto Michael's neck in a choking fashion]

Michael: Moe?

[the scene pulls back to reveal Ollie]

Ollie: Hey, man, do I look like a nigger to you? I mean - I mean, like, take a good, clean look.

Michael: A good, clean look would be refreshing, Ollie.

[Michael is working as Carole's manager at a dance hall]

Carole: What are you doin' Michael?

Michael: [dressed as a pimp] I'm gittin' wid' it, Carole! A really zooty cash 'n booty funky and booty razzmattazz!

Carole: [laughs] Well, Zoot, how's about razzatazzin' up a dollar twenty-five cent dance for us?

Michael: All righty! A'righty jazz and hot licks!

[stops an elderly customer]

Michael: Pops, I'd like you to meet and dance with the fourth Andrews Sister!

Customer: The fourth?

Michael: Yeah, because she was black, they kept her in the back.

[Carole and Michael have been fired and Michael has hit her]

Carole: What's your problem?

Michael: Shit, man, I got no time for this bullshit! That's all it is, it's all a bunch of bullshit!

Carole: Listen, mother, we just got to get it together. A couple of jobs ain't nothin. This world ain't gonna drop its drawers easy for you, just like you think I'm gonna do for you. And I've been playing easy games, bringing you along slow. But seein' as how you don't know a friend when you sees one, let's see the kind of balls you got for a real man's game. Okay, creep?

Michael: You're on, nigger!

Michael: Well, goddamn broad did it. We won.

[last lines]

Michael: Hi, Carole.

Michael: This is a team meeting. It's a simple concept: if it bleeds, guys, it leads.

Michael: [thinking that Christine did a prank after shooting herself] Very funny, Christine.

Michael: Goddamit Chubbuck!

Christine: Hey, you know what, Mike, just cause your wife has a drinking problem doesn't mean that you get to treat me like this. That's on you! Don't put it on me. That's on you.

Michael: Are you...?

Christine: I'm just trying to do my best for this station and it isn't easy.

Michael: Are you fucking kidding me? Are *you* fucking kidding me? You fucked up... again! And now you insult me, you insult my family? You know, I've got half my savings invested in this station and I believe in it. What do you believe in? What are you doing to make a mark?

Christine: Ok, I'll do the chicken lady. But there's gonna have to be some changes around here.

Michael: [yelling] Christine! Go home!

Michael: look Chubbuck, just make your stories juicy!

Steve: [referring to Bob Andersen possibly choosing one reporter to work in Baltimore] Who's he going to pick?

Michael: I have no idea in hell Steve, but it's sure going to be a kick in the ass for the rest of us!

Michael: [holds up his fingers in a tiny circle] My asshole is like this small right now, THIS SMALL!

Michael: You are the smartest person on this team, Christine!

Christine: [appalled] So what, just get some footage of some fat people burning in a car crash and I'm on a plane to Baltimore...?

Michael: Now you're just being a smartass.

Christine: [referring to the news footage of a fat woman being given electroshock therapy] This is totally at odds with the work that I've been doing, it's exploitative!

Michael: Then why are so many people watching it? The same people you are so concerned about representing are the ones who are gobbling this stuff up!

Christine: We're supposed to know better.

Michael: 132nd street, and on the double!

Keoki: Are we going very far?

Michael: All the way, I hope...

Michael: We're like two peas in a pod, you and I, James.

James: I pity the pod.

Michael: Oh, no thanks... I don't do drugs.

James: Nor do I.

[snorts Special K]

James: Did you see that? It just flew right up my nose!

Michael: Hi, I'm Michael Alig.

James: Well, I'll alert the media. Gotta dash!

Michael: But it's my birthday and I wanna have a bloodfeast!

Michael: More as in... more, moron.

Michael: [upon finding out that Leo has been anorexic and has been hiding it] ... But he's a BOY! He's an ATHLETE!

Michael: The shit hath hitith the fan... ith.

Cameron: We are screwed.

Michael: Hey, no, hey. I don't wanna hear that defeatist attitude... I wanna hear you upbeat!

Cameron: [more upbeat] We are screwed!

Michael: There ya go.

Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like?

[reaches into a jar]

Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis.

[they find Patrick drinking and smoking]

Patrick: So what have ya got for me?

Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl.

Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?

Patrick: [confused] What?

Michael: Nothing. Nothing.

Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers.

[slowly removes Patrick's cigarette]

Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker.

Michael: Yes. Well, just for now.

Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys.

Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?

Michael: H-He's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy.

Cameron: Yeah. I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.

Michael: [gives him two thumbs up] You're a gorgeous guy.

Cameron: [Patrick sits back down] Alright, uh, yeah, okay, here's this, uh... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of the CDs that she has in her room.

Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?

Michael: Have you ever been to Club Skunk?

Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.

Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right?

Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets.

Michael: Hey listen, assail your ears for one night.

Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps.

Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?

Michael: Alright. Uh, I talked to her; I got the scoop.

Cameron: What'd she say?

Michael: "Hates him with the fire of a thousand suns." That's a direct quote.

Patrick: Thanks Michael. That's very comforting of you.

Michael: Sweet love, renew thy force.

[Start of Shakespeare's Sonnet LVI]

Patrick: Hey! Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.

Michael: [about Bianca] What's there is a snotty little princess wearing a strategically planned sundress to make guys like us realize we can never touch her, and guys like, uh, Joey realize they want to. She, my friend, is what we will spend the rest of our lives not having, Put her in your "Spank Bank" and move on.

Cameron: No, no, no! You're wrong about her. I mean, you know, not about the spanking, but the rest, you're wrong!

Cameron: I burn, I pine, I perish.

[Lucentio's line from The Taming of the Shrew Act I Scene 1]

Michael: Of course you do. You know, she's beautiful and deep, I'm sure.

Michael: These delusionals are your White Rastas. Uh, they're big Marley fans, they think they're black, semi-political, but mostly...

Cameron: Smoke a lot of weed?

Michael: I have a dick on my face, don't I?

Joey: Are you lost?

Michael: No, actually I just came by to chat.

Joey: We don't chat.

Michael: I'm thinking of getting a Tercel. Yeah, that's a Toyota.

Jane: Oh, Bert, we're so frightened.

Bert: Now, now, don't take on so. Bert will take care of you. Like I was your father. Now, who's after you?

Jane: Father is.

Bert: What?

Michael: He brought us to see his bank.

Jane: I don't know what we did, but it must have been something dreadful.

Michael: He sent the police after us, and the army, and everything.

Jane: Michael, don't exaggerate.

Bert: Well now, there must be some mistake. Your dad's a fine gentleman and he loves you.

Jane: I don't think so. You should have seen the look on his face.

Michael: He doesn't like us at all.

Bert: Well now, that don't seem likely, does it?

Jane: It's true.

Bert: Let's sit down. You know, begging your pardon, but the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is, in that cold heartless bank day after day, hammed in by mounds of cold heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up.

Jane: Father in a cage?

Bert: They makes cages of all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of them, carpets and all.

Jane: Father's not in trouble. We are.

Bert: Oh. Sure about that, are you? Look at it this way. You've got your mother to look after you and Mary Poppins and Constable Jones and me. Who looks after your father? Tell me that. When something terrible happens, what does he do? Fends for himself, he does. Who does he tell about it? No one. Don't blab his troubles at home. He just pushes on at his job, uncomplaining and alone and silent.

Michael: He's not very silent.

Jane: Michael, be quiet. Bert, do you think father really needs our help?

Bert: Well, it's not my place to say. I only observe that a father can always do with a bit of help. Come on, I'll take you home.

Michael: [talking about Mary Poppins] We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky.

Mary Poppins: Our first game is called Well Begun is Half-Done.

Michael: I don't like the sound of that.

Mary Poppins: Otherwise titled Let's Tidy up the Nursery.

Michael: [to Jane] I told you she was tricky.

Jane: Mary Poppins, we won't let you go!

Mary Poppins: Go? What on earth are you talking about?

Michael: Didn't you get sacked?

Mary Poppins: Sacked? Certainly not. I am never sacked!

Jane: Oh, Mary Poppins!

Jane, Michael: Hurrah, hurray, hurray, hurray, hurray, hurray...

Mary Poppins: Neither am I a Maypole. Kindly stop spinning about me.

Bert: All right, I'll do it myself!

Mary Poppins: Do what?

Bert: Bit o' magic!

Michael: A bit of magic?

Bert: It's easy! Let's see... You think.

[he, Jane, and Michael do so]

Bert: You wink.

[they do so]

Bert: You do a double blink.

[they do so]

Bert: You close your eyes... and jump!

[They jump onto the drawing, nothing happens]

Jane: Is something s'posed to happen?

Mary Poppins: Bert, what utter nonsense!

[gives an exasperated sigh]

Mary Poppins: Why do you *always* complicate things that are really quite simple? Give me your hand please, Michael. Don't slouch. One... two...

[They jump into the chalk picture]

Jane: Good morning, father!

George W. Banks: [grumbles] 'Morning.

Jane: Mary Poppins taught us the most wonderful word!

Michael: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

George W. Banks: What on Earth are you talking about, supercal... super... or whatever the infernal thing is?

Jane: It's something to say when you don't know what to say.

George W. Banks: Yes, well, I always know what to say.

Jane: [reading advertisement for a new nanny] "Wanted: a nanny for two adorable children."

George Banks: Adorable. Well that's debatable, I must say.

Jane: [singing] If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition...

George Banks: Jane, I don't...

Jane: Rosy cheeks, no warts...

Michael: That's the part I put in!

Jane: Play games, all sorts. You must be kind, you must be witty, very sweet, and fairly pretty...

George Banks: Well of all the ridiculous...!

Mrs. Banks: George, please!

Jane: Take us on outings, give us treats, sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel. Never give us castor oil or gruel. Love us as a son and daughter, and never smell of barley water.

Michael: I put that in, too!

Jane: If you won't scold and dominate us, we will never give you cause to hate us. We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see, put toads in your bed, or pepper in your tea. Hurry, nanny! Many thanks! Sincerely...

Jane, Michael: Jane and Michael Banks!

[Uncle Albert had been asked if there is a way to get down from being up in the air]

Uncle Albert: There is a way. And frankly, I don't like to think of it, because you have to think of something sad.

Mary Poppins: Then do get on with it, please.

Uncle Albert: Let me see... I have the very thing: Yesterday, when the lady next door answered the door, there was a man there, and the man said to the lady, "I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat."

[Jane and Michael descend from being up in the air]

Jane: Oh, that is sad.

Michael: The poor cat.

Uncle Albert: And the man said, "I'd like to replace your cat." And the lady said, "That's all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?"

[then they all burst out laughing and Jane and Michael re-ascend back to the tea table in the air]

Michael: I want it to feed the birds.

Mr. Dawes Sr.: Fiddlesticks, boy! Feed the birds and what have you got? Fat birds! But...

[sings]

Mr. Dawes Sr.: If you invest your tuppence wisely in the bank, safe and sound, soon that tuppence, safely invested in the bank, will compound! And you'll achieve that sense of conquest, as your affluence expands! In the hands of the directors, who invest as propriety demands!

George Banks: [Going to see the bank] Remember that the bank is a quiet and decorous place, and we must be on our best behavior.

Michael: But I thought it was your bank.

George Banks: Yes, well, I'm one of the junior officers, so in a sense it is. Sort of.

[Andrew the dog comes up to Mary Poppins and starts barking]

Mary Poppins: Not so fast please, I can't understand a word you're saying.

[Andrew barks slower]

Mary Poppins: Again? Oh, the poor man!

[Andrew barks again and sneezes]

Mary Poppins: Bless you.

[Andrew barks again]

Mary Poppins: Why yes, of course, there's not a moment to lose. I'll go straightaway! And thank you very much.

[Andrew barks]

Jane: What did he say?

Mary Poppins: He said 'You're welcome.'

Jane: What else did he say?

Michael: I don't think he said anything!

Mary Poppins: You know best, as usual.

Jane: An outing with father?

Mary Poppins: Yes.

Michael: I don't believe it!

Jane: He's never taken us on an outing before.

Michael: He's never taken us anywhere!

Jane, Mary Poppins: However did you manage it?

Mary Poppins: Manage what?

Jane: You must have put the idea in his head somehow.

Mary Poppins: What an impertinent thing to say! Me, putting ideas into people's heads? Really!

Jane: Where's he taking us?

Mary Poppins: To the bank.

Jane: Oh Michael, the city! We'll see all the sights and father can point them out to us!

Mary Poppins: Well, most things he can. Sometimes a person we love, through no fault of their own, can't see past the end of his nose.

Michael: That's a funny sort of bag.

Mary Poppins: Carpet.

Michael: You mean to carry carpets in?

Mary Poppins: No, made of.

Mary Poppins: [measuring Michael with her magic tape measure] Just as I thought - 'Extremely stubborn and suspicious.'

[Jane laughs]

Michael: I am not!

Mary Poppins: See for yourself.

Michael: [reading] 'Extremely stubborn and sups... '

Mary Poppins: Suspicious. Now you, Jane.

[measures Jane]

Mary Poppins: Hmm. 'Rather inclined to giggle, doesn't put things away.'

[Michael laughs]

Jane: [tasting Mary Poppins' magic medicine] Lime cordial, delicious!

Michael: Strawberry! Mmm.

Mary Poppins: Rum punch! Quite satisfactory.

[hiccups]

[Mary Poppins is leaving]

Michael: She doesn't care what happens to us.

Jane: She only promised to stay until the wind changes. Isn't that right Mary Poppins?

Mary Poppins: Will you be good enough to fetch my hatstand please?

Jane: Mary Poppins, don't you love us?

Mary Poppins: And what would happen to me, may I ask, if I loved all the children I said goodbye to?

Michael: [after Mr. Dawes Sr. snatches his tuppence away; screaming] GIVE IT BACK!

[Michael launches himself forward to get his tuppence back, sparking chaos]

[seeing Mary Poppins for the first time]

Michael: Perhaps it's a witch!

Jane: Of course not - witches have brooms!

Mary Poppins: Silence please, it's time to go to sleep.

Jane: Oh we couldn't possibly go to sleep, so many lovely and excited things happened today!

Mary Poppins: Did they?

Jane: Yes! When we jumped into Bert's chalk picture!

Michael: And we rode the merry-go-round, and the horses jumped off...

Jane: And we all went riding down the country side!

[they jump up and down shouting riding cries; Mary Poppins acts indifferent]

Mary Poppins: Really?

Jane: Mary Poppins, don't you remember? You won the horse race!

Mary Poppins: A respectable person like me, in a horse race? How dare you suggest such a thing!

Michael: But I saw you do it!

Mary Poppins: Now not another word or I shall have to summon a policeman! Is that clear?

Danny Maccabee: I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie. If you get to him without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.

Maggie: Is that what your grandpa gave you?

Danny Maccabee: No, grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.

Michael: I want one of those.

Danny Maccabee: No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.

Eddie: Yeah, they hurt less when they get thrown at your head. God, he was a sick man.

Danny Maccabee: Ooh, the Mafia stare down. Very good, Michael. We're here to negotiate. Do you have anything else you might like?

Michael: I want a flying pony.

Danny Maccabee: I want a flying pony, too, but they don't exist.

Michael: Then I want a regular pony. And I want to name him Nelson.

Danny Maccabee: How about a PlayStation 3 and we name him Nelson?

Michael: Keep talking.

Danny Maccabee: We'll include 4 video games.

Michael: Five games. I want the meeting with Blondie to be at J.D. McFunnigan's?

Danny Maccabee: How about Charlie Choo-Choos because it's right down the street from me?

Michael: You mention that slop-hole again, and I walk.

Michael: Mom, before we go can I make a Devlin?

Michael: Is this where the blue Avatar people live?

Palmer: So Bart, if you could be anyone else, who would it be?

Michael: Mr. Dechesray.

Maggie: Our mailman?

Michael: He just seems to have it all figured out.

Maggie: [British accent] Hello, Dr. Danny. How are you today?

Danny Maccabee: What's with the accent?

Katherine: She's been working on some accents.

Maggie: I'll be taking acting classes and become the next Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am.

Danny Maccabee: How about you there, do you like Hannah Montana?

Michael: No, I'm more into Californication.

Katherine: When do you ever watch Californication?

Maggie: Rose lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.

Danny: [after Michael has conned him into taking everybody to Hawaii] I can't believe I let a six year-old blackmail me.

Michael: [Nonchalantly] I saw my shot... and I took it.

Palmer: So Michael, your dad tells me you like to go to the bathroom.

Michael: When I feel it, I do it.

Michael: Why me?

Mia: Because you saw me when I was invisible.

Lilly: Michael, don't always think you could get a ride with us and...

[sees Mia's new look]

Lilly: Oy. Who destroyed you?

Mia: Oh. You-you think it looks that bad?

Lilly: You look ridiculous. You should sue.

Mia: Well um... I know it's a little straighter and shorter and...

Lilly: Weirder!

[Get's in limo]

Michael: An attractive weirder.

Lilly: No, it's not attractive!

Joe: Seat belts, please.

Lilly: What I really can't understand is that you ditched me again yesterday when I really needed your help at the greenpeace petition.

[picks up bag]

Lilly: These bags! You HAVE one of these bags? You know, we could hock that and feed a whole third world country!

[Looks at Michael]

Lilly: Am I right?

Michael: No.

Joe: If there are no more passengers, I think we should close the door.

Mia: You'll never guess what Josh Bryant just asked me!

Michael: "Can I borrow a comb"?

Michael: Don't worry about me. I just consider myself royally flushed.

Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.

Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.

Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

[At Alex's wake]

Michael: Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come.

Meg: I'm going to wash my hair and puke.

Michael: Puke first.

Michael: [Michael enters the kitchen, sees Sarah standing in front of the open refrigerator] You know, that's the problem with these things. You have to watch them every minute.

[Takes a small carton of milk from the refrigerator]

Michael: Oh, hey, did I miss Karen and Richard?

Sarah: No, just Richard; Karen's staying for the weekend.

Michael: But not Richard?

Sarah: Went back to be with the kids.

Michael: Oohhhh, interesting. What did Richard have to say about that?

Sarah: Michael, if you're going to sleep this late, you're going to miss a few minidramas.

Michael: I just hope you'll wake me for anything really ugly.

Karen: You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral.

Michael: Ohh, Karen, I'll come. And, you know... I'll bring a date.

Sam Weber: In Hollywood, I don't know who to trust. I don't know who likes me or why they even do like me.

Harold Cooper: Well you don't have that problem here.

[Sam smiles]

Harold Cooper: You know I don't like you.

Michael: Me neither.

Meg: Ditto.

[Gets up and leaves the room]

Harold Cooper: So relax.

Sam Weber: [Rolls over on the floor, on his back, and pulls off one of his boots] Assholes.

Michael: [explaining to his editor at People Magazine why he's delaying his interview with a 14-year-old blind baton twirler] That's why I'm calling, Jim. That way, I can have a story for you this week and for next week, and... Jim, Jim, give me a break. I'll fly to Dallas on Monday. She won't regain her eyesight over the weekend. I know, but I think I've got something good right here. I don't know, it's about everything: Um... suicide, despair, where did our hope go? Lost hope, that's it, lost hope. Yeah, well, you think everything is boring. I mean, you know, you wouldn't say that if it was the Lost Hope Diet.

[last lines]

Michael: You see, Sarah, Harold, we took a secret vote. We're not leaving. We're never leaving.

Michael: Everyone does everything just to get laid.

Karen: Who said that? Freud?

Michael: No, I did.

Karen: I know this is hard but it's all beautiful.

Sarah: Yeah we put on a great funeral here.

Michael: [sarcastically] Yeah, maybe I'll have mine here.

Sarah: We give first priority to people who kill themselves in one of our bathrooms.

[the three stop smiling]

Sarah: That was a terrible thing to say... I don't know why I said that.

Michael: Eventually he was hospitalized for being such a nerd.

Michael: [entering kitchen on the group's final morning together] Sooo how'd everyone sleep last night? DID anyone sleep last night?

Michael: Harold, don't you have any other music , you know, from this century?

Harold: There is no other music, not in my house.

Michael: There's been a lot of terrific music in the last ten years.

Harold: Like what?

Michael: That's the great thing about the outdoors, it's one giant toilet.

Harold: [preparing to order shoes for everyone] Feet grow as you get older.

Michael: I wish everything did.

Michael: Are we the first ones up?

Karen: How about you Michael? So tell us about the world of big time journalism.

Sam Weber: Yeah.

Michael: Well iwhere I work we only have one editorial rule. You can't write anything longer than it takes your average person to take an average crap.

[everyone laughs]

Michael: I'm getting tired of everything I write being read in the can.

Harold: You can read Dostoyevsky in the can.

Michael: Yes, but they can't finish it.

Sam Weber: You alright?

Chloe: Yeah. I'm a little disappointed though, I wanted to ride up there. I always wanted to ride in a limo.

[Michael and Sam exchange a look]

Michael: I do half my work in limos.

Chloe: Are you a chauffeur?

Michael: No I'm a journalist.

[Sam starts to laugh]

Michael: I write for People Magazine.

[Looks at Sam]

Michael: I can't believe you're still mad about that thing.

Sam Weber: Michael this isn't the time. Let's just drop it.

Michael: I will if you will. You know at this day most of all we should remember we're friends.

Sam Weber: Alright, alright.

Chloe: And you're an actor?

Sam Weber: Mm-hm.

[Michael starts to laugh]

Michael: [Dialogue in video being watched by several characters] Nobody thinks they're a bad person. I'm not even claiming that people always think they're doing the right thing; they may know that they're doing something dishonest or insensitive or manipulative but they almost always think that there's a good reason for doing it. They almost always think it will turn out for the best in the end, even if it just turns out best for them, because by definition what's best for them is what's best. In addition, you instantly come up against the question of style. My style may be too direct, perhaps given my style I seem more nakedly opportunistic or jerky or... what was the other thing?

Sam Weber: Manipulative?

Michael: Whatever, really all that's happening is I'm trying to get what I want. Which is what everybody does, it's just that some of their styles are so warm or charming or sincere or otherwise phony that you don't realize they're just trying to get what they want. So you see, my transparent efforts are in a way much more honest and admirable.

Sam Weber: Why is it what you just said strikes me as a massive rationalization?

Michael: Don't knock rationalization; where would we be without it? I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.

Sam Weber: Oh come on, nothing's more important that sex.

Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

Cedric: Mike, how old is your mom?

Michael: What?

Cedric: I'm not saying it like that. No, I am. I am. It's like that. Ms. Loretta, I'm ready for the rest of the tour!

Michael: Just don't want a relationship based on lies...

Cedric: That's marriage.

Buddy: [out of breath from chasing Michael] Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited 5 hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?...

Michael: Go away !

NY 1 Reporter: Well, more proof that Santa is in the park because we have his book.

Michael: What's your name.

NY 1 Reporter: Charlotte Denon. New York 1.

Michael: D, D, Charlotte Denon wants a Tiffany engagement ring and for her boyfriend to stop dragging his feet and commit already.

Buddy: [burps loud and long] Did you hear that?

Michael: You are so weird.

Michael: Whoa. Where did you say you were from again?

Michael: Do you see this writing...? Do you know what it means...? Hospitality. And you can't piss on hospitality! I WON'T ALLOW IT!

[reaching for his belt]

Joshua: What are you going to do to me, Daddy?

Michael: Tightening my belt one loop so that I don't feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise. Okay, Joshua. You wanna get rough with me? You wanna show me that you don't like the choice of this house for our vacation by going on a hunger strike? Well, I'll accept the challenge. But just remember when I was your age, I really did suffer from hunger. We'll se who gets through this, but just remember I've got more practice than you. I'll see you tomorrow.

Michael: We left at nine thirty an hour and a half off schedule and we never saw a sign of your beau.

Holly: Elliot is not my beau! He's my boyfriend and he told me last night that he loves me and that he wanted to come on this trip with me and my family.

Diana: Michael! Who are the goblins?

Michael: The goblins?

[giggles]

Joshua: [after the residents of Nilbog try to force-feed him a spoonful of magic ice cream filled with sap] I DON'T WANT TO!

Michael: [hearing Joshua's scream, dashing into the barn] STOP! What are you doing to my son?

Michael: I never liked that kid, I never did.

Holly: I'm the one who has to like him, Dad! Me alone!

Diana: Stop it, PLEASE!

Seth: [Grandpa Seth's whole head only appears in front of Holly's reflection in the mirror, before the lights begin to flicker] Joshua! Joshua!

Holly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[dashes out her bedroom]

Holly: Ahhhhhh! Mom! Dad! Mom!

[banging vigorously on her parents' bedroom door]

Diana: [comforting Holly who is at this point panicking] What is it?

Michael: What's the matter?

Holly: I saw him!

Diana: Who? Who did you see?

Holly: Grandpa Seth!

Joshua: See, it wasn't me this time!

[Jim, Megan and Michael, are in the carriage riding past all the ghosts in the graveyard]

Michael: Dad?

Jim: Yeah, son?

Michael: I see dead people.

[last lines]

Madame Leota: Angels in Heaven, together at last. The tale is well ended for those who have passed. Love endures all, no reason, no rhyme. It lasts forever and forever all the time.

Megan: Mom, Leota won't shut up.

Michael: Are we there yet?

Megan: I'm getting pretty hungry.

Michael: Can we stop for some pizza?

Jim: Hey, how long before we get there, Sara?

Sara Evers: Twenty minutes, tops.

Jim: Nothing takes twenty minutes.

Megan: [about the inside of Gracey Manor] Smells like Grandma's house.

Michael: Worse, it smells like Grandma.

[while looking at a magazine in Michael's room]

Jim: Hey, this is my Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. What are you doing with it?

Michael: [shrugs] I don't know.

Jim: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sure.

[Michael runs out of his bedroom screaming]

Michael: There's a spider in my room!

Jim: There's a what?

Michael: There's a spider in my room! He's on the window!

Jim: Well, why don't you kill it, man?

[pause]

Michael: That's a big spider!

Michael: [of the spider] I don't wanna whack it, Dad!

Michael: Ice pick?

Delysia: It's in the drawer. Somewhere! Ice in the Fridgedair?

Michael: I want the pick for murder, not ice.

Delysia: However did you get in?

Michael: One picks up a few tricks in prison, you know, breaking and entering being one of them.

Michael: Pure and simple, I want you to marry me, and it's a one word conversation Delysia.

Guinevere Pettigrew: Don't you think, that on such a momentous occasion, a little time should be allowed?

Michael: Oh, stalling tactic. Is it because I'm not rich enough for her?

Guinevere Pettigrew: Certainly not.

Michael: Well, it's true. I'm wearing most of my worldly possessions. I could never afford this kind of blackmail.

[gestures around Nick's flat]

Delysia: Oh, and who pays you for playing the piano, huh? Are you telling me you give Nick his money back after every show?

Michael: No, and every damned shilling I take hurts me to the bone, which is why it's got to change Delysia. Money or love, that's the question I'm asking. Here's the deal: I'll play for you today, Delysia, and for the rest of your life if you'll marry me. Never again if you don't.

[after Delysia has refused to sing]

Michael: She said no.

Nick: What, and she does what you say?

Michael: Never once, as a matter of fact, but that's not the point.

Delysia: Is the offer still open?

Nick: Get up!

[Michael stands and nick knocks him back down with a punch to the nose]

Delysia: Well, is it a yes or is it a no?

Michael: What?

Delysia: Well will you doggone marry me or will you doggone not?

[he grins in delight, scrambles up, socks Nick square in the jaw, and pulls Delysia to her feet]

Michael: Yes. God help me, yes!

[they kiss fervently]

Michael: After an hour of waiting for her, I broke open the champagne.

Guinevere Pettigrew: Oh, dear.

Michael: Then floating past the Tower of London, I had a brain wave. Decided the ring I had wasn't good enough for her. And when a man wants a diamond, what better place to get it?

Michael: You gotta learn to laugh, it's the way to true love.

Michael: Remember what John and Paul said.

Frank Quinlan: The apostles?

Michael: No, the Beatles. All you need is love.

Michael: And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they tell you - you can *never* have too much sugar.

Huey Driscoll: Can I just pull on your wings to see how they're attached?

Michael: Why don't you pull on your pecker to see how it's attached?

Pansy Milbank: Hey. Language.

Frank Quinlan: An angel that says "pecker."

Pansy Milbank: Language.

Michael: I'm not that kind of angel.

Michael: You know, I invented marriage

Pansy Milbank: Oh really?

Michael: Yep. All these people were milling around, trying to get together, everything was in chaos so I told 'em, "Have a ceremony".

Michael: No injuries, 6360 battles.

Michael: Then what happened was, he came as a hundred mouths, open and stinking with decay... and he tore at my flesh from every angle of Heaven. I grabbed Beelzebub's blue tongue in my fist...

Old Geezer #1: Wait, who is Beelzebub?

Michael: Beelzebub is Satan!

Michael: Whatever they say, you can never have too much of earth.

Michael: Battle!

Michael: Hey, what's the opposite of white?

Frank Quinlan: Black.

Michael: No. Yolk.

Michael: The miles will fly and your children won't cry, if you play car bingo.

Michael: Money Changers!

Frank Quinlan: Bring him back.

Michael: That's not my area.

Frank Quinlan: Would someone please tell me what his area is? Don't give me that "that's not my area" stuff. BRING HIM BACK.

Michael: Incredible; that guy is the Deion Sanders of retards.

Michael: Has it ever occurred to you that, if you spend your life lying to people about who you are, you never get to know who they are?

Michael: What are you guys doing tonight?

Deborah Anne Fimple: Nothing much.

Toni: Kappa Omega party.

Michael: Oh, you mean the homo house?

Deborah Anne Fimple: Well one will crack jokes about others when they are insecure with their own masculinity.

Michael: Oh, I hate guys like that. They're so immature.

Steve Powers: [Steve drives up] Hey beautiful! Want a ride?

Michael: No thanks, Steve. I'll walk.

Deborah Anne Fimple: [sarcastically] Real mature.

Michael: [Michael has finished composing his letter to Deborah, he reads it before sealing it, impressed with his work] Jesus.

Toni: [steaming Michael's letter open and reading it, in disgust] JESUS!

Deborah Anne Fimple: [reading "Michael's" letter by Toni, dreamily] Jesus...

Michael: Good evening Mr. Fimple

Lou Fimple: Fuck you!

Michael: Jesus! You are one gutsy virgin!

Nick: You know, I've never been faithful to anyone in my life. I just told Irenka about someone and, uh, she did not take it too well. If there's trouble, I just feel trapped and miserable, and I just wanna' go.

Michael: If you have to choose between grief and nothing, you'd choose grief.

Nick: [scoffing] Huh. What's that gotta' do with anything?

Michael: Just something William Faulkner said.

Nick: Yeah, well, fuck that. This is me we're talkin' about. I'd choose nothin'. Grief's fucked. It's just depressing when these things end, you know?

[After the telephone interrupts Michael and Gabriella's foreplay, Michael starts talking to his penis]

Michael: I don't believe this. Do you believe this?

Michael: I'm in love with your daughter Stephen, Maybe that doesn't mean anything you but I'm standing here. You are her father, I am looking you in the eyes and I'm telling you I will do anything in the world to get your daughter back.

Stephen: Really?

Michael: Really.

Stephen: Anything?

Michael: I'll do anything.

Stephen: People say that, they don't mean it.

Michael: But I mean it!

Stephen: Well it's very simple... do whatever it takes.

Michael: It's that simple?

Stephen: Yes... you can't fail if you don't give up.

Michael: When I was twelve, I'd close my eyes and picture what it would be like to be thirty and this is exactly what I saw: great friends, beautiful girlfriend. I should also mention that in that same fantasy Hulk Hogan was my live in bodyguard.

Michael: Ow, ow, no, that's my nut!

Kim: Having a crisis are we?

Michael: Do I look like I'm having a crisis?

Kim: Everyone I know is having a crisis. I know you're not supposed to get them until midlife but I think something's happening to our metabolism

Michael: Our metabolism?

Kim: [nods] Yeah, I mean the world is moving so fast now, we are all chasing something so fast that we start freaking out long before our parents did. Feel my heart.

[puts his hand in her chest]

Kim: Feel how fast it is?

Michael: ...that's a fast heart.

Kim: 'Cause we don't ever stop to breathe anymore...

[takes his hand off her chest]

Kim: You gotta remember to breathe or you'll die.

Michael: have we met before?

Kim: um, do I look familiar?

Michael: ...no

Kim: [laughs] okay, I'm Kim

Michael: Michael, nice to meet you

Kim: nice to meet you, um, so you are friend with the groom's?

Michael: since pre-school actually...

Kim: oohhh, that's really cute

Michael: yeahh

Kim: [cell phone rings] can you just excuse me..."hello, yeah, um I'm coming. Right now. Bye". I'm with three friends that want to leave since we got here... would you... wait? I'll be right back.

[leaves]

Kim: and don't worry 'cause crises... crr... crisises?

Michael: I think it's "crises"

Kim: right... like I said, crises, they come and go

Michael: sometimes... sometimes they don't really feel like they are going anywhere

Kim: you are having a permanent crisis?

Michael: I don't know, maybe... just've been thinking about my life lately. Everything feels pretty planned out, you know?. It's like I know everything that's gonna happen. There are no more surprises

Kim: that is so boring

Michael: [laughs] I know

Kim: [after they got wet with the rain] oh my god my topless is totally clingy, you can see everything

Michael: don't worry I promise I won't look

Kim: then I'll be insulted

Michael: well, I wouldn't want to offend you

[from trailer]

Michael: I've been thinking about my life lately, and everything feels pretty planned out. There's no more surprises.

[Michael answers his cell phone]

Michael: Hello.

Kim: Hey, don't hang up. Look, I'm so sorry about before. I think... God, I must've had too much to drink or something, but, if I promise not to try to kiss you or anything, will you come over here and talk to me? I really need to talk to you.

Michael: I was never in a fraternity. I was much too serious.

Kim: Oh, I bet you were 29 even when you were 19.

Michael: Put it this way. If i had to do it again, I'd do it knowing that after you graduate no one ever gives a fuck what your GPA was.

Michael: But then, I went back.

Michael: Jenna and I met 3 years ago. She's smart, she's beautiful, she makes me laugh. If you absolutely have to become an adult and all that comes with it, this is the kind of woman you wanna do it with... right?

Vlad: Have you ever experimented with heterosexuality?

Michael: What? You mean sleep with a straight guy? What for?

Michael: I can't even straighten my hair!

Vlad: Are you blushing?

Michael: Are you kidding? I'm doing everything but bat my eyes!

Michael: [after Vlad kisses his girlfriend, Julie] I give up!

[last lines]

Vlad: Well, now that camp's over - almost over - and we live kind of close to each other I was hoping that... we can go out sometime.

Michael: I *know* you're not asking girlfriend out for a date after all this.

Vlad: If she'll forgive me.

Michael: This boy not only has cajones, but he's got burritos and huevos rancheros too.

Ellen: [to Vlad] Okay.

Michael: What?

Vlad: Really?

Ellen: I'll go out with you.

Michael: Ellen, you're like some Jenny Jones guest!

Ellen: Michael, eventually I have to start hanging out with boys who don't wear dresses. I thought we came here to go swimming.

[to Vlad]

Ellen: You coming in?

Vlad: It's pretty cold.

Ellen: I'll take my chances.

Vlad: ...Okay.

[they jump in lake]

Ellen: It's not that cold.

Vlad: It's freezing.

Ellen: Don't be a girl - leave that to Michael.

[Michael jumps in lake]

Michael: You two are like a bad car wreck - I wash my hands of the both of you.

Ellen: Oh yeah?

Michael: Oh it's cold! Quit splashing!

[scene shifts to the cast singing "The Want of a Nail"]

Vlad: [sitting on Michael, jokingly] So, do you forgive me?

Michael: If I forgive you, will you get off of me?

Vlad: Sure.

Michael: Then, no.

Michael: Every man has a destiny, Alex. Life is not... random. The trick is discovering your destiny, knowing it. Once you do that, everything else comes easy... just flows.

Michael: [Coaching Alex on his first hit] Okay, let's go. Now, you get over there and do your job. We've got a reputation to protect. Come on. Remember what I told you: keep it fast and simple. Don't meet his eyes. Just walk up, do your job, and walk away. I'll be right here waiting for you. Go on. You can do it.

Alex: You shouldn't have done that with Sammy, dad.

Michael: What are you talking about?

Alex: Making him feel bad like that, about spilling the glue.

Michael: [Dismissively] The kid's a retard.

Alex: He's very smart.

Michael: Right.

Alex: He is!

Michael: Okay. I'm sorry. I get aggravated. Tell Martha I'm sorry. Is she pissed at me?

Alex: Yes.

Michael: Did she make you come talk to me? Are you the messenger boy?

Alex: No.

Michael: You pussy-whipped, son? I think you're pussy-whipped. Don't feel bad about it. We're all fuckin' pussy-whipped. Women run the world. Don't let anyone tell you different. Women, not men. Fuck them.

Michael: [sighs] Sneaky, the way they do it. That's what they're good at: being fucking sneaky. Who decides what you're gonna' eat tonight? Who decides how much booze you should drink? Who decides what movie you're gonna' go see? Follow my drift, Alex? Women are vipers.

Michael: I just wish I had met her 50 years sooner.

Christine Jesperson: Yeah.

Michael: But then maybe I needed 70 years of life to be ready for a woman like Ellen.

Michael: So tell Ellen about the shoe guy. Did you go back to the store?

Christine Jesperson: Yeah. And turns out he's a killer of children.

[pause]

Christine Jesperson: So, oh well.

Michael: Ellen broke up with me.

Christine Jesperson: What? Why?

Michael: She thinks she's gonna die this week.

Christine Jesperson: No. Out of everyone at Saint Tod, she is the least likely person to die.

Michael: Well, she's usually right. She's been right about everyone else. I lived a whole life with a woman I didn't even really like. We traveled all over the world together. And Ellen and I never even left the grounds.

Christine Jesperson: Well, actually I took you to the IMAX that one time.

Michael: Yeah, but I wanted to take her to the Mayan ruins in Guatemala. She really wanted to see those.

Christine Jesperson: Yeah, that just seems weird that she wouldn't want to be with you- you know, if - her time was coming.

Michael: I've long since stopped trying to make people - do things they don't want to do.

Christine Jesperson: But she's the love of your life. You're just gonna let her go?

Michael: No. She's just - Going.

Christine Jesperson: [Talking about the fish on top of the car that is about to die] Oh, God, the little girl is going to have to watch it.

Michael: At least they know. At least we're all together in this.

Christine Jesperson: I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes does that. I have low ankles.

Richard Swersey: You think you deserve that pain, but you don't.

Christine Jesperson: I don't think I deserve it.

Richard Swersey: Well, not consciously maybe.

Christine Jesperson: My ankles are just low...

Richard Swersey: People think that foot pain is a fact of life, but life is actually better than that.

Michael: I'll say. You should get some. Your whole life could be better. Just starting right now.

Christine Jesperson: But she's the love of your life, You're just going to let her go?

Michael: No, she's just going...

Michael: [to Matty] How was your breakup?

Michael: [to himself] You are going to have sex with the first woman you see. First woman you see, first woman you see.

[walks out of the bathroom and stumbles by an unattractive, fat woman]

Michael: OK, second woman you see. The second woman you see.

Shelby: Say it, Michael.

Michael: Say it?

Shelby: I won't do it unless you say it.

Michael: I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of trouble concentrating here. What is it exactly you want me to say?

Shelby: You know. Those three... little... words...

Michael: Those three little words... Hold on a minute.

Shelby: What? What's wrong?

Michael: I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Shelby: Why are you acting like this?

Michael: Shelby, I like you. I like you a lot. But things are just moving a little too fast. I'm just not ready to say, "I love you".

Shelby: What makes you think I want you to say, "I love you"?

Michael: Oh, come on. Back there. You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't say those three little words.

Shelby: You colossal moron! "Suck... my... cock".

Michael: Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock!

Natalie: I'm falling for Kyle.

Michael: What?

Natalie: He's actually sweet.

Michael: Sweet? The guy screws women while they're barfing!

Carlos: I'm curious, Mr. Delaney. How did you get the money?

Michael: I guess you could say I sold my soul.

Carlos: Yeah, I see a lot of that.

Jill: [as a tortured Micheal tries to scream in his gag] I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Something's... missing.

Granny: [walks in with a whip and dominatrix' clothes] Here's grammy!

[plays with her tongue as the screen fades out]

Michael: [fade in to outside the house] That's it, no more redheads. No more redheads ever.

[screams as the gate touches his backside]

Jill: You don't respect books.

Michael: I love books,

Jill: You break their bindings, and you doodle in their margins.

Jill: That's right, you are a doodle bug.

Michael: I'm not a doodle bug.

Jill: That's what you are, just a little dirty bug.

[Natalie is with Kyle in the bedroom]

Michael: Natalie, get out of there! Save yourself! It's the dick of death!

[Natalie hands Michael some "Horny Devil" boxers she randomly bought for him]

Michael: Oh great! These will go well with my Horny Devil socks.

Steve: It's like I've found this huge spiritual side to myself that I didn't even know existed

Michael: Last week, I had sex with twins.

Steve: OK, you win.

Kyle: Oh If I get married it's going to be a cosmetics counter girl.

Michael: Why a cosmetics counter girl?

Kyle: It's the perfect woman, man. You know they're always going to smell good and wear makeup, plus, they're not too ambitious so they'll make a good wife AND they're not going to be one of those damn feminist bitches that keep their own last name when you marry them.

Steve: Like my mom?

Kyle: Yeah, exactly.

Kyle: [after surgery to remove his testicle] Mike, I want my ball.

Michael: Kyle, I understand that but look on the bright side, you still have one healthy one.

Kyle: You don't understand, I want it! I want to take it home with me. The nurses said I can't do that.

Michael: It's not a tooth, Kyle.

Kyle: It belongs to me! I miss it. Please get my nut.

Jill: You've been a bad bad boy,

Michael: No no no, I haven't. I've been a very good boy.

Jill: You had an overdue library book.

Michael: What is that?

Jill: You piece of slime.

Jill: You said it, we're on the same wavelength.

Michael: Oh yeah. All that wavelength stuff. To be frankly honest with you, I was just saying that to get you into bed.

Jill: That is not very nice, Infact that is downright naughty.

Michael: I know that you would probably just like to have me hanging around so you can...

[Jill opens up the curtains behind to reveal hidden BDSM equipment]

Michael: beat the ever living shit our of me.

[Michael video tapes himself about to play the second disk of the game Brainscan]

Michael: My name's Michael Brower. I'm 16 and I'm scared to death. I'm not sure what this tape's gonna prove, but if I'm the killer, consider this my confession. Uh, Igor, dial 1-800-555-FEAR.

Igor: Yes, Master.

[Dr. Fromberg questions Michael about the films him and his classmates watch in their Horror Club]

Dr. Fromberg: [Michael sits quietly in Dr. Fromberg's office] The activities period was created for intellectual enrichment. Which is why I have such a problem with this Horror Club of yours. What was that film you were watching?

Michael: [Michael says the title of the film] Death, Death, Death.

Dr. Fromberg: Death, Death, Death.

Michael: ...'Part 2.'

Dr. Fromberg: Oh, lord! Don't you see? Violence is not senseless entertainment!

[Michael argues with Trickster about not even knowing the man he murdered]

Michael: This doesn't make any sense!

The Trickster: It doesn't have to make sense. All these horror movies you watch... does 'Death, Death, Death' make sense? No. It's not about sense. It's about death, death, death.

Michael: I didn't kill the man. I didn't even know him!

The Trickster: There lies the beauty. You had no motive. It was totally random. Like in the animal world, prey doesn't have a name. It was primal.

The Trickster: [Trickster growls] I can't wait to see what you do next.

[Michael see's Kyle for the first time after thinking he murdered him in the game]

Kyle: Yo, dick flick! I have been... I have been ringing your doorbell, I have been calling you for an hour! There is a party next door!

Michael: Kyle!

Kyle: No, it's Axl Rose!

[Michael answers Dr. Fromberg as to why he likes watching horror films]

Michael: I guess it's kind of an escape.

Dr. Fromberg: Like, uh... lighting up a marijuana cigarette and escaping the real world, hmm? Like watching a pornographic sex film, getting an erection and raping someone? Is that what you mean?

Michael: You know, I don't think erections rape people. People rape people.

[Michael yells at Trickster that the program Brainscan isn't supposed to be real]

The Trickster: I was there when you cut off his foot. It was real. It was magic.

Michael: It wasn't supposed to be real!

The Trickster: Real, unreal, what's the difference? So long as you don't get caught.

[Trickster tells Michael there was a witness to his murder in the Brainscan game]

Michael: There was a witness?

The Trickster: Two, if you count me. But I'll never turn you in.

The Trickster: [Trickster shocks himself with a million volts] They could pump a million volts in me.

The Trickster: [Trickster cracks two of his fingers] They could bust my fingers, one bye one,

The Trickster: [Trickster cracks another] By one,

The Trickster: [Trickster cracks another] By one.

The Trickster: [Trickster then digs his fingers into his eyes] They could dig out my eyes.

The Trickster: But... No country-western music, please. Every man has his limits.

[Michael looks for Kimberly at her house party]

Michael: Stacie, do you know where Kimberly is?

Stacie: She's upstairs.

Michael: Upstairs?

Stacie: Yeah. With Taylor.

Michael: Stacie, for once, don't be a bitch.

[Kyle calls to talk to Michael]

Michael: [Michael answers his phone through his computer] Talk to me.

Igor: [Michael's computer Igor replies] Kyle is calling, Master.

Kyle: [Michael's best friend begins talking] Hello. I know you're there, dude!

[Michael talks to Kyle on the phone about the ad for the new game Brainscan]

Kyle: Hey, sausage dick. Man, listen up! 'Brainscan. The ultimate experience in interactive terror. Brainscan is not for the squeamish!'

Michael: Well, Kyle, what's the problem, man?

Kyle: This one will scare the hell out of ya. Here, here, here! It's hot new stuff. Brainscan! Um, here it is. Here it is. 'Choose from Chain Saw Dismemberment, Nightmare Eight... Da, da. Da, da... Satisfy your sickest fantasies.' Far out, man!

Michael: It's just an ad, birdbrain. It's just hype. Remember 'Gore Beasts'? Trash.

Kyle: Dude, it's interactive CD-ROM. Here. You gotta look at the ad at least. It's in Fangoria. You know, the one with the popping eyeballs on the cover. All right, where is it. Here. Here. Um. 'We dare you to participate in the most frightening experience available on this planet. State of the art. Run amuck. Unleash the dark side of your soul. Enter a game that feels more real than reality.'

Kyle: [Kyle laughs as Michael starts to watch his neighbor Kimberly from his upstairs window] It's interactive, dude! You're in the game, man. You're in control. Say no more, man. I can't even believe that I'm sitting here telling you about this game. Don't you subscribe to Fangoria? It's in the one with the bulging eyeballs...

Kyle: [Kyle yells for Michael after a minute goes by] Dude? Hello? Michael. Hello! How's Kimberly lookin' tonight?

Michael: What do you mean?

Kyle: [Kyle laughs] You watchin' her again? Can you see her tits, man? Talk to me, man.

[Kyle asks Michael their best friends bro line]

Kyle: Buddies, forever?

Michael: Buddies, forever.

[Michael calls Brainscan for the first time]

The Trickster: Hello. You've reached Brainscan.

Michael: Uh, my name is Michael Brower. You can reach me at 717...

The Trickster: Hello, Michael.

Michael: I'm sorry. I thought you were a machine.

[Michael talks on the phone to the voice of the Brainscan game]

The Trickster: How can I assist you?

Michael: I read your ad in Fango. And I just wanted to find out what's the big deal?

The Trickster: It's the most frightening experience you'll ever have the displeasure of coming into contact with.

Michael: Sure, it is. Look, I've played 'em all.

The Trickster: Brainscan's more than just a game.

Michael: Yeah, right, well... What's it about?

The Trickster: It depends on the individual. What makes Brainscan unique is that it interfaces with your subconscious. You supply the inspiration, and we take care of the rest.

Michael: Look, R2-D2, how do you really expect me to believe...

The Trickster: [Michael suddenly gets shocked from nowhere while sitting in his gamer chair] Let us worry about the details, Michael. It's too late for that. It's been decided that you'll play 'Death By Design.' The first installment will arrive soon. Enjoy the ride.

[Michael and Kyle watch a horror movie with the rest of their Horror Club class]

Michael: This is really disappointing, Kyle.

Kyle: Dude, man, it's not that bad. When does he eat her gallbladder?

[Michael puts in the game Brainscan to his TV]

The Trickster: [the voice in his TV] Listen carefully. For the next two hours you're going to experience mind program entry, that's a powerful force, not unlike hypnosis, transmitted through the television's blanking signal. It's going to alter your reality.

Michael: [Michael scoffs] Who the hell are you?

The Trickster: Take this seriously, Michael. You'll be watching a brutal murder through the eyes of a killer, and you'll affect his actions. It won't be pretty.

Michael: No kidding!

The Trickster: There is one limitation. You must stalk and kill within the time limit of the program.

Michael: Like a video game, right?

The Trickster: Video games are ancient history. This is the first disk in a series of four. If time runs out you'll not be allowed to play the next disk. That can be extremely dangerous. Do not let that happen. One final detail... you must think like a killer. Cover up any clues. Leave no witnesses, no evidence. And most importantly, enjoy the fear!

Michael: [Michael presses play to start the game] Well, let's party.

[Michael meets Trickster for the first time]

The Trickster: [Trickster morphs out of Michael's television set] Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Trickster.

The Trickster: [Trickster takes a bow] Where were we? Ah, yes. You may not remember the details, my boy, but I'm positive you remember controlling the disk. You controlled what happened.

Michael: What?

The Trickster: So you take responsibility?

Michael: How did you get in here?

The Trickster: You invited me in. That's how it always works.

[Kyle visits Michael at his home]

Kyle: Hey, did ya hear about the murder?

Michael: Yeah, I did.

Kyle: Yeah, that's pretty cool ya know havin' a murder in our neighborhood and everything.

Michael: Kyle, a guy just died, and you think that's cool?

Kyle: No, I don't mean cool, but it's interesting.

[Trickster tells Michael what the cops are going to say when they find out he's the murderer]

The Trickster: What will you say to them, then?

Michael: What do you mean?

The Trickster: Why did you leave the school on the day of the murder, Mr. Brower? Where were you last night, Mr. Brower? Were you alone, Mr. Brower? Where's your father, Mr. Brower? Where's your mother, Mr. Brower?

Michael: [Michael screams] Shut up!

The Trickster: Oh, I don't believe they'll find that answer satisfactory.

[Detective Hayden and his partner talk to Michael about what they've heard about him]

Detective Hayden: We heard a lot about you today from your classmates.

Michael: Really? Well, I hope good stuff.

Detective Hayden: Well, no. To be perfectly frank, Michael, you were described as, uh... What was that word they used Sergeant?

Martin: Frightening.

Detective Hayden: Frightening, and strange and weird. Freak came up a couple times.

[Michael finds Trickster in his bedroom eating on a raw turkey]

Michael: Son of a bitch.

The Trickster: Hi, Mike. Fixed myself a little snack. Hope you don't mind.

[Trickster tells Michael that he must kill Kimberly in the fourth disk of Brainscan]

The Trickster: You wanted the ultimate experience in terror. Well, terror's in the doing. It's not watching horror films like some child. It's not spying on Kimberly. You get off on that, Michael.

Michael: I love her.

The Trickster: It could be any girl in any window and you know it.

Michael: [Michael screams] I won't kill her!

[Michael holds up a knife to the Trickster]

Michael: Who the hell are you?

The Trickster: I still can't believe you don't know.

The Trickster: [there's a pause] I'm you.

[Michael finally goes over to Kimberly's house and asks her to go out with him]

Michael: Please, will you go out with me?

Kimberly: I don't think so.

Kimberly: [Michael looks sad when Kimberly stammers] I mean, I'll think about it. It's not really a good time to ask, you know what I mean.

Michael: [Michael smiles] You'll think about it.

Kimberly: Yes, but...

Michael: Maybe. Right? Not no. Maybe.

Kimberly: [the two smile] Maybe yes.

[last lines]

Dr. Fromberg: [Michael shows up to Dr. Fromberg's office] Yes, what can I do for you, Mr. Brower?

Michael: Well, uh, I have a game I want to show to the Horror Club.

Dr. Fromberg: 'Brainscan.' Yes, well, this should be entertaining.

Michael: Yeah, I really think it will. Uh, think you'll have a lot of fun.

Dr. Fromberg: [Dr. Fromberg repeats the title] 'Brainscan.'

[as Michael leaves the office, Michael see's the Trickster appear at Dr. Fromberg's desk]

Michael: I'll see ya.

The Trickster: [the Trickster laughs] Ah.

Michael: We tried to figure where to take you last night, but you kept saying, "Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh did I ever leave Ohio?"

Frankie, the Big Kahuna: That's a damn good question.

Student: [about Mikey's hair] Sir, it's moving!

Teacher: It's not moving; it's just too long.

Michael: It was short this morning.

Teacher: Nonsense! What kind of a dodo do you take me for? Human hair grows only half an inch a month, no more.

Michael: Not my hair, Sir.

Michael: He opened his mouth, and Judy Garland's purse fell out.

Jackie: [after being pranked, angrily] Jerks! When in the hell are you gonna grow up?

Susie: You guys, that was really immature!

Michael: Hey, we didn't know you'd be dancing around naked.

Tom: If we knew, we would've come sooner.

Carlos: [putting ice on Michael's knee and trying to make up with him] You have to take care of this knee, gordito. How's that feel?

Michael: Much better now.

Carlos: I love you Michael.

Michael: I love you too, osito.

Carlos: And I wanna be with you at the hospital when you go.

Michael: Really?

Carlos: I would be lucky to be by your side.

Michael: Thank you. That won't be necessary.

Carlos: Why, gordito? Please.

Michael: Carlos, I'm not going to have the surgery.

Carlos: Really?

Michael: Really.

Carlos: [relieved] Oh my god! When did you decide this?

Michael: [breaking down into happy tears] When you put the ice on my knee.

Michael: [Roger diplayed the set of sounds he just bought] Please tell me those are metal chopsticks.

Fred: Well, they could be used on Chinese, just not the food per se.

Brent: You know what those are?

Fred: Yeah.

Brent: [to Michael] Do you know what those are?

Michael: They ain't for knittin'!

Michael: Carlos, I think I'm gonna have the surgery.

Carlos: [not impressed] So you're getting your stomach stapled?

Michael: They don't staple the stomach anymore. They use a rubber band, a lapband they call it. I know you wouldn't understand.

Carlos: Of course I don't understand. That kind of procedure is for people with health problems. Health problems, Michael, not self worth problems!

Michael: Carlos, I need a job!

Carlos: Oh, and you think being thin is going to magically make you employable?

Michael: [almost in tears] I think you need to stay at your apartment tonight!

Carlos: Michael, I look at you and I see how beautiful you are. Inside and out.

Michael: I better see the inside out of this shirt, at the foot of my bed, in about forty seconds.

Michael: How long have we been friends?

Roger: That would be since the Mesozoic era.

Michael: Uh uh. When Pangea broke apart, and I've never seen you act like this. I think you have feelings for someone, but it ain't the Spaniard.

Roger: Michael, please don't psychoanalyze me.

Michael: Hey, I am your oldest friend. If I don't psychoanalyze you, who's gonna do it?

Michael: I always wanted to get my swerve on on my bike!

Kid: Hey, nice car.

Michael: Yeah, keep your hands off of it you scumbags.

Michael: This guy's a mutt, he's always been a mutt. He's probably still trying to bang any skank he can get his hands on.

Goldie: [about Charlie being back in town] I'll go by his house tomorrow morning after work. I'll go see him. Mike, you come by with me.

Michael: Look fine, you want me to tell him, I'll tell him, alright? You happy now you little pain-in-the-ass

[playfully throws a fake punch]

Goldie: I just think it's the right thing.

Michael: Congratulations, Huck Finn!

Michael: You gonna invite me in or are we gonna freeze our asses off?

Michael: Where is it written you gotta be happy all the time?

Michael: Why is it that when parents don't know what to say to their kids they ask about school?

Michael: Hey, I thought of one I know you guys definitely haven't heard of.

Kyle, Josh: What?

Michael: And I happen to know it's true.

Kyle: No wait a minute, this isn't that dumb story about the time you and your friends found that pirate ship in an old cave?

Michael: No, it's better than that.

Michael: [posing for a photo] Everyone say, "Wedding nightmare"!

Maître d': We often color the potatoes to match the colors of the wedding.

Donna: Oh, yeah?

Maître d': But with rainbow, you can go with anything. Might I suggest a pale blue?

Michael: Wait a minute, wait a minute - did you say blue mashed potatoes?

Maître d': Yes.

Michael: No, we're not having blue mashed potatoes at this wedding.

Donna: What kind of blue?

Maître d': Sort of a sky blue.

Michael: Get out of here! I'm not eating blue food.

Michael: You know, it's always been my dream to sleep with a big movie star.

Evie: Well, tonight may be the night your dream comes true.

Michael: Why, who's coming?

Michael: My father is no different than any powerful man, any man with power, like a president or senator.

Kay Adams: Do you know how naive you sound, Michael? Presidents and senators don't have men killed.

Michael: Oh. Who's being naive, Kay?

Michael: [speaking to Carlo] Only don't tell me you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence and makes me very angry.

Kay Adams: Michael, you never told me you knew Johnny Fontane!

Michael: Sure, you want to meet him?

Kay Adams: Well, yeah! Sure.

Michael: My father helped him with his career.

Kay Adams: How did he do that?

Michael: ...Let's listen to the song.

Kay Adams: [after listening to Johnny for a while] Tell me, Michael. Please.

Michael: Well, when Johnny was first starting out, he was signed to a personal services contract with this big-band leader. And as his career got better and better, he wanted to get out of it. But the band leader wouldn't let him. Now, Johnny is my father's godson. So my father went to see this bandleader and offered him $10,000 to let Johnny go, but the bandleader said no. So the next day, my father went back, only this time with Luca Brasi. Within an hour, he had a signed release for a certified check of $1000.

Kay Adams: How did he do that?

Michael: My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

Kay Adams: What was that?

Michael: Luca Brasi held a gun to his head, and my father assured him that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract.

Kay Adams: ...

Michael: ...That's a true story.

[cut to Johnny singing again for about 10 more seconds before going back to Michael]

Michael: That's my family Kay, that's not me.

Michael: My credit good enough to buy you out?

Moe Greene: Buy me out?

[Fredo laughs nervously]

Michael: The hotel, the casino. The Corleone Family wants to buy you out.

Moe Greene: The Corleone Family wants to buy me out? No, I buy you out, you don't buy me out.

Michael: Your casino loses money, maybe we can do better.

Moe Greene: You think I'm skimmin off the top, Mike?

Michael: [Michael shakes his head] You're unlucky.

Moe Greene: You goddamn guineas you really make me laugh. I do you a favor and take Freddie in when you're having a bad time, and now you're gonna try and push me out!

Michael: You took Freddie in because the Corleone Family bankrolled your casino, and the Molinari Family on the Coast guaranteed his safety. Now we're talking business, let's talk business.

Moe Greene: Yeah, let's talk business, Mike. First of all, you're all done. The Corleone Family don't even have that kind of muscle anymore. The Godfather's sick, right? You're getting chased out of New York by Barzini and the other Families. What do you think is going on here? You think you can come to my hotel and take over? I talked to Barzini - I can make a deal with him, and still keep my hotel!

Michael: Is that why you slapped my brother around in public?

Fredo: Aw, now that, that was nothin', Mike. Moe didn't mean nothin' by that. Yeah, sure he flies off the handle every once in a while, but me and him, we're good friends, right Moe?

Moe Greene: I got a business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, Freddy and me, so I had to straighten him out.

Michael: You straightened my brother out?

Moe Greene: He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time! Players couldn't get a drink at the table! What's the matter with you?

Michael: I leave for New York tomorrow, think about a price.

Moe Greene: Sonofabitch! Do you know who I am? I'm Moe Greene! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!

Fredo: Wait a minute, Moe, Moe, I got an idea. Tom, you're the Consiglieri and you can talk to the Don, you can explain...

Tom Hagen: Now hold it right there. The Don is semi-retired and Mike is in charge of the Family business now. If you have anything to say, say it to Michael.

Fredo: [Moe Greene leaves] Mike! You do not come to Las Vegas and talk to a man like Moe Greene like that!

Michael: Fredo, you're my older brother, and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever.

[last lines]

Michael: All right. This one time I'll let you ask me about my affairs.

Kay Adams: Is it true? Is it?

Michael: No.

[Kay smiles and walks into his arms]

Kay Adams: I guess we both need a drink, huh?

[Kay goes to the kitchen to fix a drink, but sees Peter Clemenza, Rocco Lampone and Al Neri enter Michael's office]

Clemenza: Don Corleone.

[Clemenza kisses Michael's hand, and Neri shuts the door in her face... ]

Don Corleone: I hope you don't mind the way I keep going over this Barzini business.

Michael: No, not at all.

Don Corleone: It's an old habit. I spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Women and children can afford to be careless, but not men.

Don Corleone: Oh, I want you to arrange to have a telephone man check all the calls going in and out of here because it could be anyone...

Michael: I did that already, Pop. I took care of that.

Don Corleone: Oh, that's right. I forgot.

Michael: What's the matter? What's bothering you? I'll handle it. I told you I can handle it, I'll handle it.

[the Don rises as if to leave, but changes his mind midway and seats himself closer to Michael]

Don Corleone: I knew Santino was going to have to go through all this and Fredo... well, Fredo was... But I, I never wanted this for you. I work my whole life, I don't apologize, to take care of my family. And I refused to be a fool dancing on the strings held by all of those big shots. That's my life, I don't apologize for that. But I always thought that when it was your time, that you would be the one to hold the strings. Senator Corleone, Governor Corleone, something.

Michael: Another pezzonovante.

Don Corleone: Well, there wasn't enough time, Michael. There just wasn't enough time.

Michael: We'll get there, Pop. We'll get there.

[the Don kisses his son on the forehead]

[Clemenza prepares Michael for his meeting with Sollozzo]

Clemenza: [holding up a .22] It's as cold as they come, impossible to trace. So you don't have to worry about prints, Mike. I put a special tape on the trigger and the butt. Here, try it...

[Michael takes the gun, but can't seem to fire it]

Clemenza: What's the matter, trigger too tight?

[With a loud bang, Michael finally discharges the gun]

Michael: Ow! My ears.

Clemenza: Yeah, I left it noisy. That way it scares any pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders away. All right, you shot them both, now what do you do?

Michael: Sit down and finish my dinner.

Clemenza: Come on, kid, don't fool around. Just let your hand drop to your side and the gun slip out. Everyone will still think you've got it. They're gonna be staring at your face, Mike. So walk out of the place real fast, but you don't run. Don't look nobody directly in the eye, hut don't look away either. They're gonna be scared of you, believe me, so don't worry about nothing.

[while talking, Clemenza takes the gun and begins working on it to fix the trigger]

Clemenza: You know, Mike, you're gonna turn out all right. You take a long vacation, nobody knows where, and we'll catch the hell.

Michael: How bad do you think it's gonna be?

Clemenza: Pretty goddam bad. Probably all the other Families will line up against us. That's all right. These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years. Helps to get rid of the bad blood. Been ten years since the last one. You know, you gotta stop them at the beginning. Like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich, they should never let him get away with that, they was just asking for trouble.

[Clemenza now finishes working on the gun]

Clemenza: You know, Mike, we was all proud of you being a hero and all. Your father too.

[Clemenza hands the gun back to Michael]

Michael: [to the Don, quietly] Just lie here, Pop. I'll take care of you now. I'm with you now. I'm with you.

[he takes the Don's hand and kisses it, the Don begins to cry]

Michael: You have to answer for Santino, Carlo. You fingered Sonny for the Barzini people.

Carlo Rizzi: Mike, you got it all wrong.

Michael: Ah, that little farce you played with my sister. You think that would fool a Corleone?

Carlo Rizzi: Mike, I'm innocent. I swear on the kids.

Michael: Sit down.

Carlo Rizzi: Please don't do this to me, Mike. Please don't.

Michael: Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia. Moe Greene. Stracci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that you're innocent. Admit what you did.

[Carlo starts sobbing]

Michael: Get him a drink. Don't be afraid, Carlo. Come on, you think I'd make my sister a widow? I'm Godfather to your son.

[Carlo get handed a drink]

Michael: Go ahead. Drink. Drink. No, you're out of the family business, that's your punishment. You're finished. I'm putting you on a plane to Vegas. Tom?

[Tom hands Michael an airplane ticket]

Michael: I want you to stay there, you understand?

[Carlo nods]

Michael: Only don't tell me that you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence and it makes me very angry. Now, who approached you first? Barzini or Tattaglia?

Carlo Rizzi: It was Barzini.

Michael: Good. There's a car outside that will take you to the airport. I'll call your wife and tell her what flight you're on.

Carlo Rizzi: Listen, Mike...

Michael: Go on. Get out of my sight.

Tessio: Barzini's people chisle my territory and we do nothing about it. Pretty soon there won't be anyplace in Brooklyn that I can hang my hat.

Michael: Try and be patient.

Clemenza: I'm not asking for help, Mike, just take off the handcuffs.

Michael: Be patient.

Clemenza: We gotta protect ourselves. At least give me the chance to recruit some new men.

Michael: No. I don't want to give Barzini any excuse to start fighting.

Tessio: Mike, you're wrong.

Clemenza: Don Corleone, you once said the day would come when me and Tessio could form our own families. Until today I would never think of such a thing but now I must ask your permission.

Don Corleone: Well, Michael's head of the family now and if give his permission then you have my blessing.

Michael: After we make the move to Nevada you can break off from the Corleone Family and go off on your own. After we make the move to Nevada.

Clemenza: How long will that take?

Michael: Six months.

Tessio: Forgive me, Godfather, but with you gone me and Pete will come under Barzini's thumb sooner or later.

Clemenza: And I hate that Goddamn Barzini. In six months time there won't be nothin' left to build on.

Don Corleone: Do you have faith in my judgement?

Clemenza: Yes.

Don Corleone: Do I have your loyalty?

Clemenza: Yes, always Godfather.

Don Corleone: Then be a friend to Michael. Do as he says.

Michael: There are negotiations being made that are going to answer all of your questions and solve all of your problems. That's all I can tell you right now. Carlo, you grew up in Nevada. When we make our move there you're going to be my right hand man. Tom Hagen is no longer Consigliari. He's going to be our lawyer in Vegas. That's no reflection on Tom it's just the way I want it. Besides, if I ever help who's a better Consigliari than my father. That's it.

[Everyone except Hagen leaves]

Tom Hagen: Mike, why am I out?

Michael: You're not a wartime Consigliari, Tom. Things could get rough with the move we're making.

Don Corleone: Tom, I advised Michael. I never thought you were a bad Consigliari. I thought Santino was a bad Don, rest in peace. Michael has all my confidence as do you. But there are reasons why you must have nothing to do with what's going to happen.

Tom Hagen: Maybe I could help.

Michael: You're out, Tom.

Sollozzo: [to Michael, in Sicilian] I am sorry. What happened to your father was business. I have much respect for your father. But your father, his thinking is old-fashioned. You must understand why I had to do that. Now let's work through where we go from here.

[Michael tries speaking in Sicilian, but can't express himself properly, so with a quick look at McCluskey they both switch to English]

Michael: What I want... what's most important to me is that I have a guarantee: no more attempts on my father's life.

Sollozzo: What guarantees could I give you, Mike? I'm the hunted one. I've missed my chance. You think too much of me, kid. I am not that clever. All I want is a truce.

Michael: I have to go to the bathroom. Is that all right?

Capt. McCluskey: You gotta go, you gotta go.

[Michael gets up, but a suspicious Sollozzo probes Michael's crotch, to Michael's offense]

Capt. McCluskey: I frisked him. He's clean.

Sollozzo: Don't take too long...

[Michael heads to the bathroom]

Capt. McCluskey: [to Sollozzo] I frisked a thousand young punks.

[speaking with the father of the girl he plans to marry, and after telling him that he's in hiding from some gangsters]

Michael: Some people will pay a lot of money for that information; but then your daughter would lose a father, instead of gaining a husband.

Sonny: Hey, whaddya gonna do, nice college boy, eh? Didn't want to get mixed up in the Family business, huh? Now you wanna gun down a police captain. Why? Because he slapped ya in the face a little bit? Hah? What do you think this is the Army, where you shoot 'em a mile away? You've gotta get up close like this and - bada-BING! - you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit. C'mere...

[kisses Michael's head]

Michael: Sonny...

Sonny: You're taking this very personal. Tom, this is business and this man is taking it very, very personal.

Michael: [teaching Apollonia to drive] It's safer to teach you English!

Sonny: Did he... did Clemenza tell you to drop the gun?

Michael: Yeah, a million times.

Capt. McCluskey: I thought I got all you Guinea hoods locked up! What the hell are you doing here?

Michael: What happened to the men who were guarding my father, Captain?

Capt. McCluskey: I pulled them guys off of here, eh, now get away from this hospital!

Michael: I'm not leaving until you put some guards around my father's room.

Capt. McCluskey: Phil, take him in!

Cop with Capt. McCluskey outside hospital: The kid's clean Captain, he's a war hero! He's never been mixed up with the rackets...

Capt. McCluskey: Goddamn it Phil, I said take him in!

Michael: What's the Turk paying you to set up my father, Captain?

Capt. McCluskey: [to Patrolmen] Take a hold of him. Stand him up. Stand him up straight.

[punches Michael and breaks his jaw]

[Michael gets ready to leave the house]

Sonny: Where're you going?

Michael: To the City.

Sonny: [to Clemenza] Yeah? Well, send somebody with him.

Michael: No, I'm just gonna go see Pop.

Sonny: I don't care, send some bodyguards with him.

Clemenza: He'll be all right. Sollozzo knows he's a civilian.

Sonny: Yeah? Well take care, all right?

Michael: Yes, sir.

[Michael leaves]

Sonny: Send someone with him anyway...

Michael: You gonna kill all those guys?

Sonny: Hey, Mikey, stay out of this, all right?

Sonny: Tom-anuch! Hey, a hundred button men on the street twenty-four hours a day. That Turk shows one hair on his ass, he's dead. Believe me.

Sonny: [to Michael, whose face is bruised] Hey Michael, c'mere. Let me look at you. You look beautiful, just beautiful, you're gorgeous. Hey, listen to this. The Turk, he wants to talk. You imagine the nerve on this son of a bitch, hey? Craps out last night he wants a meetin' today.

Tom Hagen: What did he say?

Sonny: What did he say? Badda-beep, badda-bap, badda-boop, badda-beep, he wants us to send Michael to hear the proposition, and the promise is the deal is so good we can't refuse. Hey.

Tom Hagen: What about Bruno Tattaglia?

Sonny: That's part of the deal. Bruno cancels out what they did to my father.

Tom Hagen: Sonny, we ought to hear what they have to say.

Sonny: No, no, no! No more! Not this time, Consigliere! No more meetin's! No more discussions! No more Sollozzo tricks! You give 'em one message - I want Solozzo. If not, it's all-out war, we go to the mattresses.

Tom Hagen: Some of the other families won't sit still for all-out war!

Sonny: Then they hand me Sollozzo!

Tom Hagen: Your father would want to hear this. This is business, not personal.

Sonny: They shot my father? It's business, your ass.

Tom Hagen: Even the shooting of your father was business, not personal, Sonny!

Sonny: Well then, business will have to suffer, all right? And listen, do me a favor, Tom. No more advice on how to patch things up, just help me win, please. All right?

Tom Hagen: I found out about this Captain McClusky who broke Mike's jaw.

Sonny: What about him?

Tom Hagen: Now, he's definitely on Sollozzo's payroll and for big money. McClusky has agreed to be the Turk's bodyguard. What you have to understand, Sonny, is that while Sollozzo's being guarded like this he is invulnerable. Now, nobody has ever gunned down a New York police captain. Never. It would be disastrous. All the five families would come after you, Sonny. The Corleone Family would be outcast. Even the old man's political protection would run for cover. So, do me a favor, take this into consideration.

Sonny: All right, we wait.

Michael: It can't wait.

Sonny: Huh?

Michael: It can't wait. I don't care what Sollozzo says about a deal, he's gonna kill Pop. That's it. That's a key for him. Gotta get Sollozzo.

Clemenza: Mikey's right.

Sonny: Let me ask you something, Professor. I mean, what about this McClusky, huh? What do we do with this cop here?

Michael: They want to have a meeting with me, right? It will be me, McClusky and Sollozzo. Let's set the meeting. Get our informants to find out where it's going to be held. Now we insist it's a public place - a bar or a restaurant, some place where there's people there so I'll feel safe. They're going to search me when I first meet them, right? So I can't have a weapon on me then. But if Clemenza can figure a way to have a weapon planted there for me, then I'll kill them both.

Sonny: [Clemenza, Tessio and Sonny laugh] Hey. What are you gonna do? Nice college boy, huh? Didn't want to get mixed up in the family business? Now you want to gun down a police captain, what, 'cause he slapped you in the face a little bit, huh? What do you think, this the Army where you shoot 'em a mile away? No, you gotta get up close like this - badda-bing! - you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit. C'mere.

[Kisses Michael on the head]

Sonny: You're taking this very personal. Tom, this is business and this man is taking it very, very personal.

Michael: Fredo, who are the girls?

Fredo: That's for you to find out.

Michael: Get rid of them, Fredo.

Fredo: Hey, Mike, uh...

Michael: I'm here on business I leave tomorrow now get rid of them. Come on, I'm tired. Get rid of the band, too.

[Fredo chases everyone out of the room]

Michael: What happened to Moe Greene?

Fredo: He had business. He said give him a call. Once the party started.

Michael: Well, give him a call. Hello, Johnny.

Johnny Fontane: Mike, it's nice to see you again.

Michael: We're all proud of you. Sit down, Johnny, I want to talk to you. The Don's proud of you, too.

Johnny Fontane: Well, I owe it all to him.

Michael: He knows how grateful you are. That's why he'd like to ask a favor.

Johnny Fontane: Mike, what can I do?

Michael: The Corleone family is thinking of giving up all of its interest in the olive oil business, settling out here. Now Moe Greene will sell us his share of the hotel and the casino so that it can be completely owned by the family. Tom.

[Hagen hands Michael some papers]

Fredo: Hey, Mike, are you sure about that? I mean, Moe, loves the business. He never said anything to me about sellin'.

Michael: I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. You see, Johnny, we feel that entertainment is going to be a big factor in drawing gamblers into the casinos. We're hoping that you'll sign a contract agreeing to appear 5 times a year. Perhaps convince some of your friends in the movies to do the same. We're counting on you, Johnny.

Johnny Fontane: Sure, Mike, I'll do anything for my Godfather. You know that.

Michael: Good.

Moe Greene: Hey, Mike! Everybody's here. There's Tom. Freddie. Good to see you, Mike.

Michael: How are you, Moe?

Moe Greene: You got everything you need? The chef cooked for you special, the dancers will kick your tongue out and your credit is good. Draw chips for everyone in the room so they can play on the house.

Don Corleone: I like to drink wine more than I used to...

[pause]

Don Corleone: Anyway, I'm drinking more.

Michael: It's good for you, Pop.

Don Corleone: Ah, I don't know...

Tom Hagen: You know how they're going to come at you?

Michael: They want to arrange a meeting between me and Barzini. On Tessio's ground. Where I'll be safe.

[Hagen is silent for a long moment]

Tom Hagen: Tessio. I always thought it would be Clemenza.

Michael: It's the smart move. Tessio was always smarter.

Don Corleone: How's your boy?

Michael: He's good.

Don Corleone: You know, he looks more like you every day.

Michael: He's smarter than I am. Three years old, and he can already read the funny papers.

Don Corleone: [laughs] Read the funny papers...

Michael: Fabrizzio, where are you going?

[Apollonia hoots the car and starts to drive it; Fabrizzio gives a quick, furtive movement... ]

Michael: NO! NO APOLLONIA!

[the car explodes]

Michael: I have to see my father and his people so have dinner without me.

Kay Adams: Oh, Michael.

Michael: This weekend we'll go out. We'll go to the city, see a show and have dinner, I promise.

Kay Adams: Hmmmm. Michael. Michael, wait, your sister wants to ask you something.

Michael: Well, let her ask.

Kay Adams: No, she's afraid to. Connie and Carlo want you to be Godfather to their little boy.

Michael: We'll see.

Kay Adams: Will you?

Michael: Let me think about it. We'll see.

Michael: You and I are going to move my father to another room, now can you disconnect those tubes so we can move the bed out of here?

Night Nurse: That is out of the question.

Michael: You know my father? Men are coming here to kill him, now help me, please.

Michael: [the car that Michael, Sollozzo, and McClusky are riding in takes an unexpected detour] New Jersey... we're going to New Jersey?

Sollozzo: [sinister] Maybe.

Sollozzo: I'm glad you came, Mike. I hope we can straighten everything out. I mean, this is terrible... it's not the way I wanted things to go at all. It should've never happened.

Michael: We'll straighten everything out tonight. I don't want my father bothered anymore.

Sollozzo: He won't be, Mike. I swear on my children he won't be. But you gotta keep an open mind when we talk. I mean, I hope you're not a hothead like your brother Sonny. You can't talk business with him.

Capt. McCluskey: Ahh, he's a good kid. I'm sorry about the other night, Mike.

[Shakes Michael's hand]

Capt. McCluskey: I gotta frisk you, so turn around, on your knees facing me.

[Michael turns around, McCluskey frisks him]

Capt. McCluskey: I guess I'm getting too old for my job. Too grouchy... can't stand the aggravation. You know how it is.

[to Sollozzo]

Capt. McCluskey: He's clean.

Michael: I've always taken care of you, Fredo.

Fredo Corleone: Taken care of me? You're my kid brother and you take care of me? Did you ever think about that? Hah? Did you ever once that about that?

[Kay is threatening to take the children away]

Michael: Don't you know that I would use all of my power to prevent something like that from happening?

Michael: Was it a boy?

Tom Hagen: Mikey, after three and a half months...

Michael: WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER ANY MORE? WAS IT A BOY?

Michael: I don't want anything to happen to him while my mother's alive.

Lorenzo: Mike, are you sure you wanna go this way? I mean we buried this a long time ago.

Michael: You still sleep with the light on?

Michael: You read the Count of Monte Cristo lately?

Lorenzo: I dunno, 10 years ago

Michael: I read a little bit every night. I read words like revenge, sweet, lasting revenge.

Michael: I just wish I could shut my eyes, and not see the places I've been.

Father Bobby: I'm telling you as a witness... and as a priest. We were at the game.

Michael: Yes, as a priest, and a priest wouldn't lie? Am I right?

Father Bobby: A priest with ticket stubs wouldn't need to lie. I always keep the stubs. Do you want to see them?

Michael: Why is that, Father? Why do you keep the stubs?

Father Bobby: Because you never know when someone might want more than your word.

Michael: Has anyone ever questioned your word before today?

Father Bobby: No. No one ever has. But there's a first time for everything.

Michael: You gotta get me one for our side.

Lorenzo: One what?

Michael: One witness. A witness who'll put John and Tommy somewhere else on the night of the murder. A witness they can't touch

Lorenzo: Don't they got a name for that?

Michael: A judge would call it perjury.

Lorenzo: I see, and what are we calling it?

Michael: A favor.

Michael: Revenge. Sweet lasting revenge. Now it's time for all of us to get a taste.

Michael: It's payback time.

Michael: Do you still sleep with the lights on?

[first lines]

Michael: Check, please.

Cathy: Look Daddy, a volcano.

[Cathy blows bubbles into her soft drink]

Michael: It's very pretty. Drink up your volcano. All right. We're going. Mommy's waiting.

Cathy: Daddy, please. Just one more minute.

[In a book depository]

Georgina: Are we safe here?

Michael: Does Albert read?

[speaking of Albert, the thief]

Michael: Where is he now?

Georgina: He's eating avocado vinaigrette and prawns... with his fingers.

Michael: Now, I have no right in telling this to you. It's dangerous for you and it's dangerous for them, but i'm sorry i just couldn't stop myself. You can do what you want to, you can tell your dad; anything, i don't care. I just needed you to know... I don't know what i'm doing, and i love you.

Arthur Pope: [Last Lines] Get the bike out of the back.

[pause]

Arthur Pope: Now, get on it.

Michael: What are you talking about, dad...

Arthur Pope: Get on the bike. You're on your own, kid. I want you to go to Juilliard.

Michael: But, dad, I want to go with you.

Arthur Pope: We'll see you again. You can be sure.

[pause]

Arthur Pope: Your mother has arranged things with your grandfather, alright- call him. And I think you have some friend's around here.

Annie Pope: I love you, baby.

Arthur Pope: We all love you. Now, go out there and make a difference. Your mother and I tried. And don't let anyone tell you any different.

Harry Pope: [the family car circles 'Michael' before exiting down the road] Bye, Danny!

Lorna: You are certifiable! What is this? Some sort of smart-ass joke? You're taking cooking?

Michael: I want to learn how to cook.

Lorna: Yeah, right. You have some burning desire to learn how to make apple brown betty...

Michael: What are you doing here if you think so highly of it?

Lorna: Well, they wouldn't let me take auto mechanics, and I didn't have time to take the issue to the Supreme Court.

Michael: So, what are you doing over the summer?

Lorna: I have a job pumping gas.

Michael: You finally got the Supreme Court to hear your case, huh?

Lorna: Yeah.

Michael: I'm very happy with you.

Michael: They need me.

Lorna: I need you.

Michael: Aren't we supposed to question authority? You taught me that! Who do you think you are, General Patton?

Abigail Patterson: What's this about a pizza?

Michael: Well, you ordered one.

Abigail Patterson: I didn't. Well, will you have to pay for it?

Michael: Oh no... I'll have to eat it.

Michael: If you want to go back, that's fine with me.

Lorna: You're a bully.

Michael: No. I'm a liar.

[Michael sneaks up behind Kathleen and holds a razor to her throat]

Michael: God is angry with the wicked! Why did you send the black devil for me?

Kathleen Riley: [stammering] Because Carl!

Michael: [interrupts] Carl has already been judged! The mighty hand struck him deaf and dumb.

[Michael continually jerks the razor around in a frenzied manor]

Kathleen Riley: [terrified] Okay.

Michael: Only the lord Jesus can take a soul. I saw the angel of death. I watched her die. I saw her spirit leave her body. She gave me a message from the Almighty. A key to the kingdom.

[Michael reveals a key that reads 'Dept. of Justice']

Michael: The innocent shall know the glory of heaven!

[Michael reaches to slash Kathleen's throat, she's narrowly saved when Eddie appears and wrestles the razor away]

Eddie Sanger: [struggling with Michael] Stop it, asshole!

[Michael slashes Eddie's chest and runs away]

Cute Guy: [as Ellie heads out of the bar] Hey, where are you going?

Ellie: [on her way to restroom] El peepee.

Ellie: [enters men's toilet] Girl emergency! Sorry!

[next door, Stephanie toys with her cellphone, which lies on top of ominous newspaper report of missing girl]

Ellie: [uses toilet stall while Michael is at urinal] You're not from these parts, are you?

[comes tauntingly over to.inspect him nonchalantly, playful tone:]

Ellie: Performance anxiety?

Michael: [zipping up, gruffly:] You should stick close to your friend.

[walks out of restroom]

Ellie: [wistfully to herself] Wow. That backfired.

Stephanie: [on her cellphone, trying to locate Ellie] So it's me, uhm, where are you? I'm at the cow place now.

[looking around for her friend]

Stephanie: Uhm, so call me. Bye.

[starts pushing her bicycle, looking vaguely worried, as car approaches]

Michael: [driver in car] Hey!

Stephanie: Hi.

Michael: Where's your friend?

Stephanie: Coming.

Michael: Yeah?

Stephanie: Yeah.

[continues pushing bicycle, looks back at him]

Stephanie: Any minute now.

[remembers]

Stephanie: Oh, hey, thanks for your help last night with that guy. He was a real creep.

Michael: Yeah, he was.

Stephanie: You know what?

[checks her cellphone for word from her missing friend]

Stephanie: Probably got a flat or something. I'd better go, but see you around, uh...?

Michael: Michael.

Stephanie: [nods] Stephanie.

[pushing her bicycle, about to leave]

Michael: Hey, where are you going? I'll give you a lift.

Stephanie: [looking back] No, I'm okay, thanks though.

Nick Taylor: My... name is... My name is Detective Inspector Nick Taylor... Michael Owen... IS GUILTY OF CORRUPTION!... THEFT!... EXTORTION!... INTIMIDATING WITNESSES! BRIBERY! YOU WANT ME TO GO ON? EH? ASSAULT! FRAUD!...

Michael: SHUT UP!

Anna: You look wonderful!

Michael: Anna I love you, but you're such a liar.

Dad: What are they?

Michael: Piggy banks.

Dad: Exactly. And what do you do if you need money?

Michael: Ask you?

Michael: Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't something else. This is this. From now on, you're on your own.

Nick: I don't think about that much with one shot anymore, Mike.

Michael: You have to think about one shot. One shot is what it's all about. A deer's gotta be taken with one shot.

Michael: A deer has to be taken with one shot. I try to tell people that but they don't listen.

Michael: We gotta play with more bullets.

Nick: What?

Michael: More bullets...

[gunshot]

Michael: I gotta get more bullets in the gun.

Nick: What?

Michael: We gotta play with more bullets.

Nick: More bullets in the gun?

Michael: More bullets in the gun.

Nick: How many more bullets?

Michael: Three. That means we gotta play each other.

Nick: More bullets against each other?

Michael: We gotta do it!

Nick: What? Are you Crazy?

Michael: Nicky, it's the only way. I'll pick the moment. The game goes until I move. When I start shootin', go for the nearest guard, get his gun and zap the fucker!

Nick: I'm not ready for this!

Michael: You gotta listen to me... You wanna stay down here and die? Go on. It's up to you. Now it's up to you.

Nick: NOOOOOOOO!

Michael: Hey! Him against me! Side by side! Side by side!

Nick: Get away! Get away!

Michael: Side by side! Me and him! Me against him!

Stan: Alright you guys, whoever took my boots, I want them back.

Axel: I got a boot for you, Stan, right up your ass!

Stan: Hey Mike, lemme borrow your spears, eh?

Michael: No, Stan.

Stan: No? What do you mean no?

Michael: Just what I said, no. No means no.

Stan: Some fuckin' friend. You're some fuckin' friend, you know that?

Michael: You gotta learn, Stanley. Every time you come up here, you got your goddamn head up your ass.

Axel: Maybe he likes the view from up there.

[John and Axel laugh]

Michael: [after he sights the deer but points the rifle upward and fires so that the deer just looks at him] Okay? Okay?

Michael: Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne.

[last lines]

Michael: Here's to Nick.

Steven: [whispering] To Nick.

[All]: To Nick.

Nick: You trying to look like a prince?

Michael: What do you mean, 'trying'?

Nick: I sound like some asshole, right?

Michael: I tell you Nick, you're the only guy I go hunting with, you know. I like a guy with quick moves and speed. I ain't gonna hunt with no assholes.

Nick: Well, who's an asshole?

Michael: Who's an asshole? Who do you think is an asshole? They're all a bunch of assholes. I mean, I love 'em, they're great guys, but, you know, without you, I hunt alone. Seriously, that's what I'd do.

Nick: You're a f*ckin' nut! You know that, Mike, you're a maniac. A control freak.

Michael: I just don't like no surprises.

Stan: How does it feel to be shot?

Michael: Don't hurt. That's what you wanna know. And how it's been, doing OK.

Stan: Yeah, same thing. Nothing's changed. I'm getting more ass than a toilet seat and Axel here, he's getting fatter than ever.

Michael: You wanna play games? All right, I'll play your fucking games.

Michael: I'll tell ya one thing, if I find out my life had to end up being in the mountains, it'd be all right, but it has to be in your mind.

Nick: What? One shot?

Michael: Two is pussy.

Michael: What kind of beer would you like?

Linda: What? I don't know. I don't care. Any kind.

Michael: I'll get you a Rolling Rock.

Linda: Okay.

Michael: It's a good beer, it's the best around.

Michael: You okay?

Linda: Did you ever think life would turn out like this?

Michael: No.

Michael: Holy shit, you know what those are? Those are sun dogs. It means a blessing on the hunter sent by the Great Wolf to his children. It's an old Indian thing.

[first lines]

Michael: Hey, watch out, Axel. We'll be calling him old fireballs after tonight.

Axel: Fuckin' A.

Michael: Not bad.

Michael: I feel a lot of distance, and I feel far away.

Stan: Where the hell's my boots? Anybody seen my boots? Somebody took my boots. I bought 'em special. All right. All right, you guys. Whoever took my boots, I want 'em back.

Axel: I got a boot for you, Stan, right up your ass.

[jokingly throws a kick near his rear to which he responds by playfully pointing his gun at him]

Axel: Hey, Mike. Hey, Mike, let me borrow your spares, huh? Your extra pair?

Michael: No, Stan.

Stan: [taken aback] No?... What do you mean, "No?"

Michael: Just what I said. No. "No" means no.

Stan: [getting upset] Some fuckin' friend. You're some fuckin' friend, you know that?

Michael: You gotta learn, Stanley. Every time you come up here, you got your goddamn head up your ass.

Axel: Maybe he likes the view from up there, huh?

[the group laugh at him]

Michael: Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne. That ain't gonna help ya'.

Axel: Oh, what the hell, Mike. Give him the boots.

Michael: No way. I ain't giving him no boots no more. No more. That's it.

Stan: You're a fuckin' bastard, you know that? Huh?

Michael: [holds up a live round] Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't somethin' else. This is *this.* From now on, you're on your own.

Stan: [appalled, angry] I fixed you up a million times!

[to the group]

Stan: I fixed him up a million times! I don't know how many times I must have fixed him up with girls! And nothin' ever happens! Zero! Hey, you know your trouble, Mike, huh? Nobody ever knows what the fuck you're talking about. Huh? "This is this!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? "This is this!" I mean, is that some faggot-sounding bullshit or is that some faggot-sounding bullshit?

Nick: Shut up, Stan, will ya'?

[Stan shoves him]

Nick: Hey, man, you're outta line.

Michael: Watch out with that gun, Stan.

[more strictly]

Michael: Watch out with the gun.

Stan: [yelling] There's times - do you know what I think? There's times I swear I think you're a fuckin' faggot!

John: Hey! Come on, you guys!

[Michael smirks in amusement]

Stan: Last week - last week, he could've had that new redheaded waitress down at the Bowladrome. He could've had it knocked and look what he did. Look what he fuckin' did. Nothin', that's what.

John: Shut up, Stan, huh? Would ya' SHUT UP? Just shut up. Just take - take Michael's goddamn boots and SHUT UP!

[takes the laced boots and places them on Stan's shoulder]

John: Otherwise, I'm goin' home!

Michael: [Stan starts to walk away with Mike's boots] Hey, Stosh.

[Stan turns to look at him]

Michael: I said, "No."

Stan: What, are you gonna shoot me? Huh? Here...

[opens a gap in his shirt to make a target for him, Mike just stands there staring at him; knowing this will go nowhere, Stan takes the boots and throws them aggressively at Mike, walking away]

Nick: [walks over, picks up the boots, says to Mike] What's the matter with you?

[walks over to Stan]

Nick: Stan.

[gives him back the boots]

Michael: [Mike puts the live round into his rifle, takes aim and vents his anger by firing it out into the woods, then looks at the group to see their bewildered reactions]

Michael: Nicky, do you remember the trees? Remember all the different ways of the trees? Remember that? Remember? Huh? The mountains? Do you remember all that?

Nick: One shot?

Michael: One shot! One shot.

Nick: [Smiles] Yeah.

Michael: Nicky! Nicky! Nicky! Nicky! Nicky! Nicky! Nick! Nicky! Nicky! No! Nick! Nooooo! Nooo! No! Nicky! Nicky!

Michael: Hey, Stosh. I said no.

Steven: You get a deer?

Michael: Naa man

Steven: C'maaan! You didn't get a DEE-E-EAH?

Michael: Sh*t! I must be outta my f*ckin' mind! I must be outta my mind. Everything's going so fast. Man, oh man. Hey, Nick, do you think we'll ever come back?

Nick: From 'Nam?

Michael: Yeah.

Nick: You know something, the whole thing, its right here. I love this f*ckin' place. I know that sounds crazy. If anything happens, Mike, don't leave, don't leave me over there. You got, you gotta, hey, just don't leave me. You gotta promise me that, Mike. No man, you gotta, you gotta promise, definitely.

Michael: Hey, Nick, You got it, man.

Michael: Angela, I heard Steven was alive. Where is he? Where's Steven? Where is he? Just tell me where he is. Angela, where is Steve? Just tell me where he is. Where is he? Where is he? Please? You've got to tell me. Now, where is he? Do you know? Where is he?

Linda: Mike - why don't we go to bed? Can't we just comfort each other?

Michael: No, I can't. Not here. I gotta get outta here. I'm sorry. I just gotta get out. I'll be - I-I don't know, I feel a lot of distance and I feel far away. I'll see you later.

Stan: What do you think of her, Michael?

Michael: I don't know.

Stan: No, come on. On the level. On the level.

Michael: I don't know.

Stan: Is she, is she beautiful? Is she beautiful? Is she?

Michael: Truth?

Stan: Yeah!

Michael: No.

Michael: Well, do you think she's intelligent?

Stan: No.

Michael: Neither do I!

Steven: Where is a guy like Nick gettin' money like this?

Michael: I don't know. Cards maybe. Listen, Steven, I'm gonna take you home.

Steven: [Resisting] Aw, sh*t, Mike, you promised me. Come on. I don't fit. Look! hey!

Michael: I'm gonna take you home.

Steven: Man, look, you promised me man. I don't fit! Mike, I'll - hey. I'm sorry. You do as your heart tells you.

Michael: Come on, Nicky, come home. Just come home. Home! Talk to me. You just talk to me. Nicky. Nicky.

Angela: [Last lines] Its been such a gray day.

John: [Humming] Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm

[singing]

John: Stand beside her and guide her. La-la-de Da-da-da...

Linda: [singing] God bless America, Land that I love.

Linda, John, Axel, Michael, Stan, Steven, Angela: Stand beside her and guide her, Through the night with a light from above. From the mountains, to the prairies, To the oceans white with foam. God Bless America, my home sweet home. God Bless America, my home sweet home.

Michael: Here's to Nick!

Steven: To Nick!

Linda, John, Axel, Michael, Stan, Steven, Angela: To Nick!

Michael: This could have been a lot different.

Justine: Yes. But, Michael... what did you expect?

[first lines]

Michael: Sir. Eh...

[looking backward]

Michael: Yeah, you're good. You can back up a little more, if you want. I think you need the... I think you need that extra...

Justine: [laughing] I don't think he can hear you.

Michael: Sir. Sir, can you hear me up there?

[fiddling with controls]

Michael: Do you copy, sailor? He's in a different county, I think that's...

Justine: [laughing]

Michael: I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, it will give it spice. I will be the only angel you need. You will leave life even more beautiful than you entered it. Heaven will take you back and look at you and say: Only one thing can make a soul complete, and that thing is love.

Michael: I don't know what to say. I've never been with a woman before. We've been together four weeks, and I can't live without you. I can't. Even the thought of it kills me.

Professor Rohl: You have been skipping seminars.

Michael: I have a piece of information, concerning one of the defendants. Something they do not admitting.

Professor Rohl: What information? You don't need to tell me. It's perfectly clear you have a moral obligation to disclose it to the court.

Michael: It happens this information is favorable to the defendant. It can help her case. It may even affect the outcome, certainly the sentencing.

Professor Rohl: So?

Michael: There's a problem. The defendant herself is determined to keep this information secret.

Professor Rohl: What are her reasons?

Michael: Because she's ashamed.

Professor Rohl: Ashamed of what? Have you spoken to her?

Michael: Of course not.

Professor Rohl: Why "of course not"?

Michael: I can't. I can't do that. I can't talk to her.

Professor Rohl: What we feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what we do. If people like you don't learn from what happened to people like me, then what the hell is the point of anything?

Michael: What's your name?

Hanna Schmitz: What?

Michael: Your name.

Hanna Schmitz: Why do you want to know?

Michael: I've been here three times. I want to know your name. What's wrong with that?

Hanna Schmitz: Nothing, kid. There's nothing wrong with that. It's Hanna.

Michael: You looked so suspicious.

Hanna Schmitz: What's yours, kid?

Michael: Michael.

Hanna Schmitz: Michael. So I'm with a Michael.

Michael: I sat in the second carriage because I thought you might kiss me.

Hanna Schmitz: Kid, you thought we could make love in a tram?

Hanna Schmitz: Is it true what you said? That I don't matter to you?

Hanna Schmitz: [shakes head]

Michael: Do you forgive me?

Hanna Schmitz: [nods]

Michael: Do you love me?

Hanna Schmitz: [nods]

Michael: [reading from "Lady Chatterley's Lover"]

Hanna Schmitz: This is disgusting. Where did you get this?

Michael: I borrowed it from someone at school.

Hanna Schmitz: Well, you should be ashamed.

[pauses]

Hanna Schmitz: Go on.

Michael: What are you doing? What is this? Why did you behave as if you didn't know me?

Hanna Schmitz: You didn't want to know me! You could see I was in the first carriage. So why did you get on the second?

Michael: What did you think I was doing? Why the hell did you think I was there?

Hanna Schmitz: How should I know? I've been working. I need a bath, and I'd like to be by myself. Would you please leave?

Michael: I didn't mean to upset you.

Hanna Schmitz: You don't have the power to upset me. You don't matter enough to upset me.

Hanna Schmitz: Do you have a book?

Michael: Yes, I have. I took one with me this morning.

Hanna Schmitz: What is it?

Michael: The Odyssey by Homer. It's my homework.

Hanna Schmitz: We're changing the order we do things. Read to me first, kid. Then we make love.

Michael: What's wrong now?

Hanna Schmitz: Nothing's wrong. Nothing.

Michael: You know, you never ask. You never bother to ask how *I* am!

Hanna Schmitz: You never say.

Michael: It just happens to be my birthday. It's my birthday, that's all! In fact, you've never even asked when it is!

Hanna Schmitz: You want a fight, kid!

Michael: No, I don't want a fight! What's wrong with you?

Hanna Schmitz: What business is it of yours?

Michael: Always on your terms, everything. What you want, it's always what *you* want. My friends were giving me a party.

Hanna Schmitz: Then why are you here then? Go back to your party. Is that what you want?

Michael: I brought you these flowers. To say thank you.

Hanna Schmitz: Put them over there in the sink.

Michael: I would've come earlier but I've been in bed for three months.

Hanna Schmitz: You are better now?

Michael: Yes, thank you.

Hanna Schmitz: Have you always been weak?

Michael: Oh no, I've never been sick before. It's incredibly boring. There's nothing to do. I couldn't even be bothered to read.

Michael: [from the theatrical trailer] .

[At the Tram Terminal]

Michael: [in insistent upset voice] I'm looking for Hanna Schmitz!

Tram Supervisor: Schmitz has left.

Michael: [surprised and even more upset] LEFT?

Michael: The food in Italy is good, yeah?

Gunther: [nods] Yes, very good.

Michael: And the women?

Gunther: Not as good as the food...

Michael: From eating too much of the food?

Michael: Oi! Dancing boy!

Dad: [Billy turns around and starts running to him] We'll miss the bus, Billy!

Tony: Can you stop being an old fucking woman?

Billy: [approaches Michael, then after a moment, kisses him on the cheek] See you then.

[smiles and runs off]

Michael: So you're going to ballet every week?

Billy: Aye, but don't say owt.

Michael: Do you get to wear a tutu?

Billy: Fuck off, they're only for lasses. I wear me shorts.

Michael: You ought to ask for a tutu?

Billy: I'd look a right dickhead.

Michael: I think you'd look wicked.

Billy: My hands are freezing.

Michael: 'Gizzem here.

Billy: [Michael takes his hands and puts them in his jacket] What are you doing?

Michael: Nothin'. Just warmin' your hands up.

Billy: [pause] You're not a poof or owt?

Michael: [deadpan] What gave you that impression?

Billy: Aren't me hands cold?

Michael: I quite like it.

[kisses Billy on the cheek; they stare at each other]

Billy: Just because I like ballet, doesn't mean I'm a poof, you know.

Michael: You won't tell anyone, will you?

Billy: [pauses, then grins] Come on.

Michael: [stares after him longingly]

Michael: Oi, dancing boy!

[Billy runs to Michael]

Dad: We'll miss the bus, Billy!

Tony: Will you stop being an old fucking woman?

James: Well, shall we call it a night?

Michael: I don't know what the fuck we should call it.

Michael: I'd only been in jail 13 hours, I thought 'Nam couldn't be any worse.

Jacob Singer: Shows how little you knew.

Michael: Yeah, really.

[last lines]

[subtitled version]

Michael: Nice one, Dad. Good speech. Well done. But I think you'll have to go now so we can eat our breakfast.

Faderen: Of course, of course.

Faderen: [to his wife] Coming?

Moderen: I'll stay here.

Michael: This family is kaput!

[subtitled version]

Michael: Don't diss my family, get it?

Jimmy: [to Michael] Gotta tell you my kids love it here. Christopher's in your old room and Leslie here is in Ryne's.

[turns to Leslie]

Jimmy: Say hello to your cousin.

Michael: [to Leslie, when she doesn't say anything] You're short.

Jimmy: [to Michael] Yeah guest room's upstairs, second door on the right, but I guess you know that because uh this is your home.

Leslie: Uncle Charlie said it's our home now.

Jimmy: You're right honey, it is our home now. But um, Michael grew up here so... it's his home, too.

Leslie: But it's our home.

Jimmy: [picks Leslie up] What do you say we go catch some more of that ball game, huh?

[to Michael as he starts walking]

Jimmy: If you need anything let me know.

Michael: Okay.

Jimmy: [stops and turns back to Michael] Hey this... this is great, you know... It's good to...

Michael: Yeah you too.

[Mouths to Leslie after Jimmy turns back around]

Michael: It's MY home.

Michael: [sits down near Christopher on the roof] I love what you've done with the room.

[lights a cigarette]

Michael: I used to come out here a lot when I was grounded.

Christopher: [sniffing because he was crying] Mom told me you were always getting in trouble.

Michael: She should talk.

Christopher: [crossly] What's that supposed to mean?

Michael: Before your mother was a mom, she was my best friend.

Christopher: [sarcastically] You guys have tea parties together?

Michael: Yeah, occasionally. Your mother taught me everything I shouldn't know, smartass.

Christopher: Like how to write like a chick?

Michael: Oh. That's funny. It's nice to see your balls finally dropped, Christopher.

[looks away for a second]

Michael: No, she taught me the art of fishing.

Christopher: Fishing?

Michael: [dragging from his cigarette] Mm-hmm.

Christopher: Fishing is boring.

Michael: Not the way we used to do it, it wasn't.

Christopher: Whatever.

Michael: You want me to show you?

Michael: What happened last night?

Alex: What do you mean?

Michael: The last thing I remember is we were driving around Patterson's neighborhood. And I go into the office today and find out that he got beat up. And I'm standing there in the middle of everybody with dried blood all over my hand. Did we go to Patterson's last night?

Alex: Yes. We went to Patterson's.

Michael: I mean, I didn't hit him, did I?

Alex: You didn't just hit him. You beat the shit out of him.

Michael: What the hell were you doing?

Alex: Holding him down.

[Michael looks frantic]

Alex: Oh don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anybody.

Michael: *Tell* anybody? Jesus Christ, this guy is a colleague of mine!

Alex: Oh, don't worry about him! *He's* not gonna tell anyone. He knows you'd kill him if he did.

Michael: Wait a second... kill him?

Alex: Yeah. And if you didn't, I would. Told him that this morning... when I went to get the donuts.

Michael: Get out.

[Alex continues eating donuts]

Michael: GET OUT!

Alex: I'm sorry.

Michael: What?

Alex: Sorry.

Michael: Sorry? You - fuck you, you're sorry? Sorry about what? Killing Claire? Trying to kill my brother? Or maybe you're just sorry for holding a guy down while I beat him? Fuck you, you're sorry!

Michael: [to Alex] You know, you make a funny face when you come.

Alex: I never made you do anything that wasn't in you already. People are such hypocrites. They go through their whole lives to the day they die saying that they're innocent, but they're not innocent. I showed you that! That's why I killed Claire, Mick.

Michael: My name is Michael.

[pauses]

Michael: Did you get that?

Pismo Boll: [pops up with a camera] Every word

[suddenly slips]

Michael: [With a knife pressed against his Alex's neck] You're going to die with you're mouth shut

[Patterson realizes his section report is missing]

Patterson: Will you gentlemen excuse me for one moment? Right back.

[Leaves meeting and walks up to Michael]

Patterson: What have you done?

Michael: What do you mean?

Patterson: Oh, you know damn well what I mean. There are batting averages in my section report.

Michael: Batting averages? That seems strange. Are you sure they're not batting champions?

Patterson: I'm in a meeting, you swine, with Howard and two penchant funders. Where's my section report?

Michael: Where's my schedule 47?

Howard: [walking up from behind] Patterson, is everything alright?

Michael: Yes, Howard, fine.

Howard: Michael, I heard something was wrong with your schedule 47. Not true is it?

Michael: I don't know, I mean everything's all, you know, set, ready to roll.

Howard: Good, because so are we.

Patterson: Yes Howard, one moment.

[Howard walks away]

Patterson: Look, I'm not admitting to anything, of course.

Michael: Of course not.

Patterson: But, if you get me mine, I can see about getting yours back.

Michael: [Michael shakes his head]

Patterson: What do you want?

Michael: I want you to go down to your office...

Patterson: I'm in a meeting.

Michael: Go down to your office, and get my report back online in sixty seconds.

[Patterson walks away shocked]

[last lines]

Pismo Boll: So what are you gonna tell them?

Michael: I'm gonna tell them what happened.

[over loud live music]

Michael: Who is this band?

Alex: The Nymphs.

Michael: ...Nymphs!

Alex: Don't be mad.

Michael: I'm not mad.

Alex: Well, you might be in a minute. But just remember, I did this for you.

Michael: Did what for me?

[as Alex is walking away]

Michael: Did what for me?

Michael: Hey! You're the guy from the bar, right? The guy with the bottle. Why'd you leave so fast?

Alex: I didn't wanna stick around for thank yous.

Michael: Well, thank you anyway. Do you live around here?

Alex: [smirks] No.

Michael: Oh... well thank you, anyway.

[turns to leave]

Alex: Why didn't you back down?

Michael: Huh?

Alex: That guy told you to take a hike. Why didn't you?

Michael: I don't know.

[laughs]

Michael: I don't know. You know that, uh, voice that tells you what to do sometimes? I guess I listened to it.

[laughs]

Michael: Ah, that sounds stupid I suppose.

Alex: [smirks] I'm like that. And I always listen to it. My name's Alex. You wanna get a beer?

Alex: Tell me what you want, Mick.

Michael: Mick?

Alex: Tell me what you want, and tell me what you're afraid of.

Michael: Me and this guy Patterson are up for the same position of senior analyst. I want that job. I want that job so bad.

Alex: Done. Now tell me what you're afraid of.

Michael: I'm afraid of getting married.

Alex: That's easy, don't.

Michael: Yeah, well, I'm engaged.

Alex: [laughs] Why?

Michael: I didn't wanna lose her. I'm terrified of getting married.

Alex: Then drink to it. Make it happen.

Michael: Make it happen.

Michael: I will always love you. That is the only truth that remains. Life is neither right nor wrong, good or bad. But I love you. That's all I know.

Barry: I'm listening, Michael. What's up?

Michael: Yeah, I heard your little advertisement there for the pizza place.

Barry: Yeah, Jericho's Pizza. I love that pizza. What about it? Don't you like it? You sound like you'd love it. I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.

Michael: What I wanted to say to you tonight, Mr. Champlain, was... I have an interest in this place, or at least, some friends of mine...

Barry: Just use one-syllables, Billy, if it's really difficult. Oh, Michael.

Michael: Hey, smart guy.

Barry: Just use one-syllable...

Michael: Smart guy? Smart guy?

Barry: We're being- Oh, Smart guy. Smart guy. We got somebody with a little lip on us tonight.

Michael: Hey!

Barry: Hey. Hey. Hey. Don't call me "Hey." My name isn't Hey, ok?

Michael: This is not a conversation. This is a monologue. I talk, you listen. Understand me? Understand me?

Barry: Oh, yeah, we're listening. Go ahead.

Michael: I don't want you makin' any more comments about the place, the pizza joint.

Barry: Do you have relatives that run the place?

Michael: People gotta make money on this.

Barry: Uncle Vinnie or someone?

Michael: There are people...

Barry: You know what I think, Michael? You're a meatball.

Michael: And, uh, if you're ever in L.A., uh, give me a call. I'm behind the scenes, so I have no morals clause.

Michael: I love my ears. I love my nose. I love myself.

Michael: You're stoned and you're late. You were supposed to arrive at this location at eight thirty dash nine o'clock.

Harold: What I am Michael is a 32 year-old, ugly, pock marked Jew fairy, and if it takes me a little while to pull myself together, and if I smoke a little grass before I get up the nerve to show my face to the world, it's nobody's god damned business but my own. And how are you this evening?

Michael: Donald, you are a real card carrying cunt.

Michael: Oh Harold, he's beautiful.

Harold: Yeah, beautiful. He has unnatural, natural beauty. Not that that means anything.

Michael: It doesn't mean everything.

Harold: Keep telling yourself that, as your hair drops out in handfuls.

Michael: Faggots are worse than women about their age. They think their lives are over at thirty. Physical beauty is not all that goddamn important.

Harold: Course not. How could it be? It's only in the eye of the beholder.

Michael: And it's only skin deep.

Harold: Only skin deep. It's transitory, too. It's terribly transitory. Oh yes. It's too bad about this poor boy's face. It's tragic. He's absolutely cursed. How could his beauty ever compare with my soul? And although I've never seen my soul, I understand from my mother's Rabbi that it's a knock-out. I, however, cannot seem to locate it for a gander. And if I could, I'd sell it in a flash, for some skin-deep, transitory, meaningless beauty.

Michael: What's so fucking funny?

Harold: Life. Life's a goddamn laugh riot.

Michael: [singing] Oh, you really gotta figger, it's tough to be a nigger, but it's tougher to be a Jew.

Donald: My God, Michael! You're a charming host!

Harold: Michael doesn't have charm, Donald. He has counter-charm.

Michael: [adopting a southern slave's accent] I hear dat if ya puts a knife unda ya pillow, it cuts da pain.

Harold: I hear that if you put a knife under your chin, it cuts your throat.

Michael: [about the cowboy] How much was he Emory?

Emory: A STEAL!

Harold: A ham sandwich. Fifty cents, any time of the day or night.

Harold: [about Michael] KING... of the pig people!

Cowboy: I'm not a steal. I cost twenty dollars.

Michael: [about Emory's falling down] A falling down drunk nellie queen.

Harold: Well, THAT'S the pot calling the kettle "beige".

Michael: [loud, drunken] I AM NOT DRUNK!

Cowboy: [about long distance calls] I'm glad I don't have to pay the bill!

Michael: Quiet!

Harold: Oh! Don't worry, Michael won't pay it either.

Michael: One could murder you, with very little effort.

Michael: Forgive him father, for he know not what he do.

Harold: Michael, you don't know what side of the fence you're on. Say something pro-religion, you're against it. Deny god, you're against that. One might say you have some problem in that area. You can't live with it, and you can't live without it. You hang on to that great insurance policy called the Church.

Michael: That's right, I believe in God. And if it turns out there isn't one, okay, nothing's lost. But if it turns out there really is, I'm covered. Right, I'm one of those truly rotten Catholics who gets drunk, sins all night, and then goes to mass the next morning.

Harold: I'm having seconds, and thirds, and maybe even fifths. I'm absolutely desperate to keep the weight up.

Michael: You're absolutely paranoid, about absolutely everything.

Harold: Oh yeah? Well why don't you not tell me about it.

Michael: You starve yourself, all day. Living on coffee and cottage cheese. So that you can gorge yourself at one meal. And then you feel guilty and moan and piss about how fat you are, and how ugly you are, when the truth is you are not fatter and no thinner than you ever are. And this pathological lateness, it's downright crazy. Standing in front of a bathroom mirrors for hours and hours before you can walk out into the street, and then looking no different. After Christ knows how many applications of Christ knows how many ointments and salves and creams and masks.

Harold: I've got bad skin, what can I tell you.

Michael: Who wouldn't, after they deliberately take a pair of tweezers and deliberately mutilate their pores. No wonder you've got holes in your face after the hack-job you've done on yourself, year in and year out.

Harold: You hateful sow.

Michael: Yes, you've got scars on your face, but they're not that bad. And if you'd leave yourself alone, you wouldn't have more than you've already awarded yourself.

Harold: You'd really like me to compliment you now, for being so honest, wouldn't you? For being my best friend, who will tell me what even my best friends won't tell me. Slut.

Michael: And the pills. Harold has been gathering and storing and saving up barbiturates for the past year, like a goddamn squirrel. Hundreds of Nembutals, hundreds of Seconals, all in preparation for and in anticipation of the long winter of his death. Well I'll tell you something, Hally. When the time comes, you won't have the guts. It's not always like it happens in plays, not all faggots bump themselves off at the end of the story.

Harold: What you say may be true. Time will undoubtedly tell. In the meantime, you left out one detail. The cosmetics and astringents are paid for. The bathroom is paid for. The tweezers are paid for. And the pills are paid for.

Harold: And they're minding their own business.

Michael: And you mind yours Harold! I'm warning you!

Harold: Are you now? You warning me? Me? I'm Harold. I'm the one person you don't warn, Michael, because you and I are a match. And we tread very softly with each other, because we both play each other's game too well. I know this game, you're playing. I know it very well, and I play it very well. You play it very well too, but you know what? I'm the only one who's better at it than you are. I can beat you at it, so don't push me. I'm warning you.

[last lines]

Michael: Turn off the lights when you leave.

Michael: [crying] I'm feeling like Ol' Man River: I'm tired of living but I'm scared of dying.

Michael: As my father said to me when he died in my arms, 'I don't understand any of it. I never did.' Turn the lights out when you leave.

Michael: What is he - a psychiatrist or a hairdresser?

Donald: Actually he's both. He shrinks my head and then combs me out.

Michael: Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I didn't go around announcing I was a faggot.

Donald: Well, that must have been before speech replaced sign language!

Michael: It's not always the way it is in plays. Not all faggots bump themselves off at the end of the story!

[Looking in the mirror]

Michael: There's one thing to be said about masturbation: you certainly don't have to look your best.

Michael: [sings] "Forget your troubles, c'mon get happy! You better chase all your cares away!" What's more boring than a queen doing a Judy Garland imitation?

Donald: A queen doing a Bette Davis imitation.

Harold: How's the bathroom smell?

Michael: Before it smelled like someone puked. Now it smells like someone puked in a gardenia patch.

Michael: Let's do this again real soon.

Harold: Yeah, how about a year from Shavuos?

Michael: Show me a happy homosexual and I'll show you a gay corpse.

Michael: Sometimes I feel so guilty.

Joan: It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault.

Michael: It's not that. It's just sometimes when I'm over there all I can think of is I'm so glad I don't have it.

[discussing Michael's boyfriend's leaving... ]

Nick: It's not fair. You've been in love a bunch.

Michael: Just once, really.

Nick: Now he's gone right?

Michael: [shaking his head] He's right here.

[points at Nick]

Betty: You know what Proust said?

Michael: That rich folks have more fun?

Betty: He said that in a relationship...

Michael: Proust did never say relationship.

Betty: I'm translating. In a relationship there's always one who kisses and one who is kissed.

Nick: Hey, you can have my TV. Is that alright?

Michael: Stop.

Nick: Watch the video? It's my will.

Michael: Put it away.

Nick: I'm just showing you where it is

Michael: Bullshit. You know France is working on this new drug.

Nick: New drug, which we should get by the year two thousand. Maybe we should go to France.

Michael: Okay.

Robert: I explained why I'm leaving. I told you I'll be back.

Michael: You're leaving because you don't want to be around when Nick dies. You don't want to deal with me going through that. You'll come walking back when it's all over. You better stay away man or you're going to come back to a fucking maniac. You think I can be mean now? I'm going to go after every politician, idiot doctor and smug born again asshole I can get my hands on.

Michael: You ever had an affair?

Betty: Michael! Have you?

Michael: No yet.

Betty: Gay men in this town have become very proper.

Michael: Yes, terribly Victorian.

Michael: What I think will really help is if I get a word processor.

Dave: Ah, yes, a venerable instrument.

Michael: Kind of speed up the 'ol writing. What do you recommend?

Dave: Well, I know a dealer out in Queens. IBM, with everything... $4,000, includes the printer.

Michael: No. Less. Less. Mucho less.

Dave: Wait a few years till the prices come down?

Michael: I don't wanna wait.

Dave: You know what I suggest?

Michael: Yeah?

Dave: Just write.

Michael: Hmmm?

Dave: You know, you get a pen, some paper, put some marks on it. Works real well.

Michael: [sarcastically] Thanks, Dave.

[describing her experimental night in college sleeping with two gay men]

Betty: It wasn't like they took turns. It was all at once. Every which way. Rather like a marvelous pretzel.

Michael: Ooh. Pretzelingus.

Nick: What do I get tonite?

Michael: [pretending to read menu] Hmmm... boiled nettles... hogweed... assorted thistles...

Michael: [mixing green colored drink] MMMmmm...

Nick: This macro psychotic diet is bullshit. You know it, and I know it.

Michael: Humor me.

Nick: [takes a sip] Yeah, straight from the cat.

Peter: Two by two. It's like Noah's Ark in here.

Michael: Yeah? I hadn't noticed.

Peter: So the guy that's leaving. That your lover?

Michael: [nodding] Mmm Hmm.

Peter: What are you doing tomorrow night?

Michael: I haven't thought that far.

Michael: What are you doing?

Joan: Take the N E Y outta New York and what does it spell?

Michael: WORK

Michael: [answering phone] Robert?

Betty: Michael, I caught you in.

Michael: Oh, hi.

Betty: Listen, Dearheart, you left your umbrella here last night.

Michael: Oh, sorry. I'll stop by and pick it up next time I'm in the neighborhood.

Betty: I don't suppose you know about silly Cecil running off.

Michael: [listening] God, that's awful. Listen, you can cry on my shoulder any time.

Betty: Heavens! I was thinking more in terms of going out and having a good time. Have you heard of this club called Area?

Michael: Where's the playground?

Elliott: It's near the preschool!

Michael: Where's that?

Elliott: I don't know streets! Mom always drives me!

Michael: Son of a bitch.

Michael: Maybe it was an iguana.

Elliott: It was *no* iguana.

Michael: Maybe, um - You know how they say there are alligators in the sewers?

Gertie: Alligators in the sewers.

Mary: All we're trying to say is, maybe you just probably imagined it. It happened...

Elliott: I couldn't have imagined it!

Michael: Maybe it was a pervert or a deformed kid or something.

Gertie: A deformed kid.

Michael: [mockingly] Maybe an elf or a leprechaun.

Elliott: It was nothing like that, penis-breath!

Mary: [laughs in shock] *Elliot*! Sit down.

Michael: Did you explain school to him?

Elliott: How do you explain school to higher intelligence?

Michael: Maybe he's not that smart. Maybe he's like a worker bee who only knows how to push buttons or something.

Elliott: [knowingly] He is too smart.

Michael: Okay, I just hope we don't wake up on Mars or something surrounded by millions of little squashy guys.

Tyler: [sarcastically] Hey, Elliot, where's your goblin?

Michael: Shut up.

Steve: Did he come back?

Pretty Young Girl: Hi, Elliot.

Greg: Well, did he?

Elliott: Yeah, he came back, but he's not a goblin. He's a spaceman.

Steve: Ooh, as in extra-terrestrial!

Tyler: Where is he from, Uranus? Get it? Your anus?

Greg: He doesn't get it, Ty.

Tyler: Get it, your anus?

Greg: He doesn't get it.

Elliott: You're so immature!

Greg: And you're such a cintus suprimus!

Elliott: Zero charisma!

Greg: Cintus suprimus!

Elliott: Zero charisma!

Greg: Cintus suprimus!

Elliott: Shut up, Greg!

Greg: Cintus suprimus!

Elliott: [yells as he rides off on his bike] Zero charisma!

Greg: You wimp!

Michael: Maybe he's some animal that wasn't supposed to live; kind of like those rabbits we saw. He could be a monkey or an orangutan.

Elliott: A bald monkey?

Gertie: Is he a pig? He sure eats like one.

Michael: [as Yoda] You have absolute power! Yes!

Elliott: Think, Michael. What would make a radar?

Michael: How the hell do I know? You're the genius in the family; you have absolute power, remember?

Michael: We're all going to die and they're never going to give me my license!

Mary: It's your turn to do the dishes, fellas.

Michael: I set and cleared.

Elliott: [in a stern tone] I set and cleared.

Michael: [quickly] I did breakfast.

Gertie: [solemnly] I did breakfast.

Michael: [noticing how upset Mary is] What's the matter, mom?

Mary: [leaves in tears, to herself, about her husband] He HATES Mexico!

Michael: [to Elliot, furiously] Damn it, why don't you - grow up and think how other people feel for a change!

[Elliot goes angry and does the dishes]

Michael: I've never driven foward before!

Elliott: [upon encountering E.T., running excitedly into the house] Mom, Mom! There's something out there!

Mary: What?

Elliott: It's in the toolshed. It threw the ball at me.

[Michael and his friends mock him loudly]

Elliott: QUIET!

[Michael's friends go silent]

Elliott: [in hushed tone] Nobody go out there!

Michael: [the boys all spring up excitedly] Ha! Ha! Ha!

[they grab knives]

Mary: Stop, now! You guys stay right here!

Michael: You stay here, Mom, we'll check it out!

Mary: And put those knives back!

[Elliot grabs her hand and pulls her outside as well]

Mary: Okay, Elliot! Let me get a flashlight.

Gertie: What are you going as for Halloween?

Elliott: [Elliot is upset because nobody believes him] I'm not going to stupid Halloween.

Michael: [to Elliot] Why don't you go as a goblin?

Elliott: [flatly] Shut up.

Michael: [walks in Elliot's room and sees E.T. in a dress; he chuckles] What's all this shit?

Elliott: E.T. phone home.

Michael: [astonished] My God, he's talking now.

Elliott: Home.

Elliot: E.T. phone home?

Elliott: [points to window] E.T. phone home.

Elliot: [whispers] And they'll come?

Elliott: Come? Home.

[pulls off wig and hat from his head]

Elliott: Home.

[first lines]

Steve: [reading dice] Five.

Michael: Oh, great.

Steve: So you got an arrow right in your chest.

Michael: [imitating Elliot] I found him, he belongs to me!

The Tall Man: Cut me down!

Michael: No!

The Tall Man: I won't hurt you.

Michael: You're killing the world!

The Tall Man: I'll go away... and I won't ever come back

[gives mischevious grin]

The Tall Man: .

Michael: [You] will?

The Tall Man: Yes.

Reggie: Did you hear something?

Michael: It's just the wind. Only the wind.

Michael: Do you remember our old town. That last perfect day, before he came.

Michael: I just had to be sure, before I killed my own brother.

Sara: My mother's just afraid of change.

Michael: Most people are, nowadays.

Michael: What the Hell's going on?

Quincy: God damn son, somebody's shooting at us!

[first lines]

Michael: It is not enough to know that the world has ended. For there is more to the story. And soon it begins. Chaos drove us from the cities. Fear kept us away. Long after the bombs had fallen, after plagues and famine had run their course, we few that remain line in fear, and without hope. But this is a new place. A new time. Lost. Soon a time will come when we no longer live in caves. Like moles. Like rats.

Title Card: 20 YEAR AFTER

Sara: My mother says you're a foolish for trying to talk to that other man.

Michael: Yeah?

Sara: She says he's probably 100 miles away from here.

Michael: Once upon a time, 100 miles wasn't very far.

Michael: [to the masked Henrietta] I know your face is beautiful because you are. It couldn't be otherwise.

[Michael and Jane are standing on the side of the road next to a broken down car]

Michael: Piece of shit!

Jane: When's the last time you put oil in that thing?

Michael: Yesterday.

[last lines]

Maria: Michael

[finds herself outside the cursed temple]

Maria: no... no... Michael... no

[last lines]

Michael: Maria? Honey where are you?

[shown to be on the other side of the cursed door struggling to open it]

Michael: I can't see you

Michael: She won't come in the light.

Kyle: Who?

Michael: You know who!

Caitlin: It's okay, Michael. It's okay.

Michael: Caitlin, come on. It's safe.

Caitlin: Get out from under the bed. Come on, this is ridiculous.

Michael: No, you get under here.

Caitlin: Come on, Michael. Get out from under the bed. There's nothing to worry about.

Michael: Caitlin, no!

[strange sounds are heard]

Caitlin: Okay, let's stay under the bed.

Michael: Toothfairy?

Caitlin: It's just mommy honey. Go back to sleep...

Michael: Jason, is that you?

[last lines]

Michael: I am Michael. I take care of the place while the master is away.

Michael: [gesturing at the painting] That must be your master. Where did you say he was?

Torgo: He has left this world, but he is with us always. No matter where we go he is with us.

Michael: Hey, Torgo, where's the phone? Yes, Alexander Graham Bell, you know, telephone?

Torgo: There is none, sir. The Master doesn't approve of such devices.

Margaret: Then... then where is the nearest phone?

Torgo: The nearest phone is at the crossroads. That's ten miles.

Margaret: Ten miles? Might as well be ten THOUSAND miles!

Michael: [getting mad] Easy, honey! It won't help to get mad!

Michael: We should be pretty close right now. The agent said that it was about twelve miles from highway ten and that was highway ten back there.

Margaret: But you know, we should have asked for better directions at the last gas station!

Michael: Listen, I've never gotten us lost before!

Michael: Now, look, the sign pointed this way!

Margaret: Mike, let's go back to the crossroads and ask those kids we saw!

Michael: Okay! Okay, but I know we can't be wrong! Look, the sign pointed this way!

Ian: I don't know. There's something about her. Something about her I like.

Michael: I think the thing you like about her is that she was half-naked.

Renee: I guess we're gonna party like a bunch of pagans tonight, then.

Michael: I'm about to fuck you like a pagan tonight.

Michael: Mother, this cloth smells of death!

Michael: [after making sexual advances on his mother] What's wrong? I'm your son!

Gabi: What are you doing here?

Michael: I wanted to give your keys back.

Gabi: My keys?

Michael: You said you wanted them back.

Gabi: Yeah, but in the mail.

Michael: What's with the forks?

Harper: Ammunition

Michael: These belong to Gabi

Harper: So get her new ones

Michael: And what she comes back and sees what you did? Then what?

Harper: I mean seriously, do you really think that when she comes home all that she will care about are the lousy forks?

Michael: Yeah I believe it. I have to believe it, man, I mean its all I've got!

Harper: Your breath smells

Michael: I guess I'm hungry

Michael: The Circus of Nights! A hundred delights!

[first lines]

Michael: This is it. The place is ours for the entire weekend. We'll have wild crazy sex in every single room.

Julia: And how many rooms are there?

Michael: Ten?

Julia: Ha, I'm a dead woman...

Julia: [after Michael has knocked out the girl who is trying to kill Julia] We have to get her to the hospital.

Michael: [beaten and bruised] WE need to get to a hospital.

Michael: What am I worried about? I'm 22 years old, I'm backpacking through France... Life is wonderful. Oh, who am I kidding. Michael J. Fox is a major motion picture star and I'm making a Killer Tomatoes movie, part 4!. What am I worried about? I'm making a movie. I'm filming in France. I've got a piece of the merchandising! It beats dinner theater.

Carol: You don't know about Buster, do you?

Michael: Know what?

Carol: He's been thrown out of every school on the east coast. He's a thief, pervert, a liar and a queer. You didn't know all that, did you?

Michael: I guess I really don't care.

Carol: That's what I like about you, Michael. You've always been very honest. May I be honest with you?

Michael: Why not? Go on.

Carol: You didn't love Susan, did you?

Michael: [short pause] No.

Carol: Why did you marry her?

Michael: She became pregnant. I thought it was mine and I married her.

Carol: Why did you? We could have gotten rid of it.

Michael: Maybe I wanted to.

Carol: Why?

Michael: To get away from Mother. And this house.

Carol: And me?

Michael: Maybe.

Carol: I'm glad Susan's dead. Did you drive her to it?

Michael: No, I don't think so. There's something funny about that. I don't think she had the nerve to do it. In fact, I don't think she did. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know.

Michael: [Last Line]

Michael: [Walks into hospital room where Jessica lies comatose] Hi Jess. I didn't know if I should actualy come and see you. I figured I owed you that much. Been trying to get away for a while but it's been... it's been kind of tough.

[Sits on bed, touches her face]

Michael: God you're beautiful.

[Sighs.]

Michael: I guess I should go.

[after falling pantless from a tree]

Michael: Gail! Gail! Where's ma pants?

Tiffany: Well, it looks like you're on your own with the decorations and stuff.

Michael: Why? Where are you goin'?

Tiffany: I told you I have that algebra test to study for.

Michael: That's right, I keep forgetting that you're still in high school.

Lucy: Well, I could... I could learn.

Craig: 'You could learn'... That's what Funky K likes to hear!

Michael: [laughing] Funky K...

Craig: [laughing] That's what I'm talking about!

Michael: What you need is a slump buster.

Casey: Alright... Victor Sparks! This song is, um, written by Craig for a band called the Victors!...

Mark: Victor Sparks?

Michael: [nodding] Victor Sparks.

Mark: Sounds like a porn star.

Michael: [drinking his beer] Oh, he wishes.

Mark: [laughing] Which one is Victor Sparks?

Michael: [pointing towards stage] He's the Pillsbury-guy looking there...

Victor Sparks: [tuning guitar and addressing the crowd] Y'all don't have to be so polite...

Michael: You know how tongues can wag in a small town.

Dr. Fisher: "It's all in your mind Alice."

Michael: "There's no link between you and the killer. Save that sh*t for the Psychic Network."

Detective Joey Bagadonis: "Hey, that was my Bavarian!"

Sgt. Harris: "So what do you think happened?

Coroner: "I don't know. Maybe he pissed off a florist."

[Sarah kisses Michael]

Michael: You do that again and I'm gonna have to fuck you kinda hard.

Michael: I was a funny little man. Needed the fan's help just to make it out of bed every morning. But luckily I was blessed with the best fans in the league. For the rest of the day I needed God's help. But luckily I was blessed with the best God in the league, too.

Michael: I don't want to fuck you. I just want to make you come.

Michael: You're Sarah Easton, supermodel. I see you everywhere.

Sarah: You're Michael Shiver, cab driver. I see you nowhere.

Michael: Why did you come here?

Sarah: I came by accident.

Michael: The only accident is you're leaving, but don't worry 'coz it's never going to happen again.

Michael: I could not hang on to who I was in the world that came with what I did. If and when I learn how to do that, I will write again.

Ben: Mike? Happy Birthday, hooligan!

Michael: Yeah, that's right, my day all day.

Ben: Hey, you know who else's birthday it is? I read it in the San Francisco Chronicle. Julius Ceasar!

Michael: Julius Caesar! How the hell do they know?

Ben: Because they are fiendishly clever, man!

Stanley: [to Albert] What about Tanya? Tanya, who you work with?

Michael: I thought she's seeing someone else.

Albert: She hangs out with Derek.

Stanley: She thinks he's a dick.

Michael: So how come she's going out with him?

Stanley: She's not going out with him.

Michael: That's not what she said when I asked her to go to the wedding with me.

Albert: Michael, you asked Tanya? Are there any girls I like that you haven't asked out?

Stanley: So you DO like her.

Albert: So? She hangs out with dickwick Derek and his homeboys, he's obviously the "someone else"!

Stanley: Or, she hangs out with Derek because she's lonely, cause the dickwick she likes doesn't know she exists.

Michael: How do you know all this?

Stanley: I'm not just a pair of fancy shoes, you know.

Sefa: Let's go. Drive like the wind Bolo!

Bolo: My name is Paul.

Sefa: Bolo.

Albert: Bolo.

Michael: Bolo.

Stanley: Bolo.

Sefa, Albert, Michael, Stanley: PAUL!

[the guys propose to the Pastor to bring girls to the wedding]

Albert: It's so we're different people when these girls around. Even Sefa behaves when Leilani is with him, that's why he never takes her anywhere. Sione's like a little brother to us.

Michael: Especially me, sir.

Stanley: They're related.

Albert: And this is the last wedding we'd want to ruin.

Michael: Right, Sione?

[Sione shrugs]

Minister: Not just dates, not some girl foolish enough to say yes to a night out and free food. You must bring girlfriends.

Albert: Girlfriends?

Stanley: But Your Majesty, Albert hasn't had a girlfriend in 30 years!

Albert: Good one, Stanley.

Minister: Someone to whom you've made a commitment.

Michael: Commitment?

Minister: Commitment? Girlfriend? Other words you don't understand, huh?... You must find someone who sees the good in you. Bring her to my church on the day of Sione's wedding. Turn up alone, and Eugene will be more than happy to toss you into the street!

Albert: I have to go shopping.

Michael: Shopping for your mum?

Albert: Shopping for a hon-ay.

Michael: What's happened to you, Sione?

Sione: I fell in love, you dick! Man, I love Leonie more than I love anthing in the world and if any of you dickheads wreck our wedding that's it, we're done!

Stanley: Guess you don't love her that much then.

Derek: Albert.

Albert: Derek.

Derek: Sole man, where you going?

Albert: Inside to talk to Tanya and stop calling me Sole, alright?

Derek: Why?

Albert: What do you mean why? Cause you're white not Samoan.

Derek: Nah, I mean why you wanna talk to Tanya?

Albert: That's none of your business.

Derek: [looks strangely at Albert] You disrespecting me?

Albert: [laughing] Hey?

Derek: Comin on my turf, getting all up on my girl. Sole man, you know how we do it in the hood.

[Sefa and the gang laugh]

Michael: [laughing] Just hit the prick Albert.

Albert: Derek, this is not a Michael Jaskson video okay? So stop being a dick and get out of my way.

Michael: I lied... it was always devastating. Always a crucifixion. What women will never understand is the weight of having to be the constant pursuer... and the pain of every death when it's a no.

Michael: There's something I'm gonna tell you one day that I thought when I first saw you.

[Breslin meets Michael at a bowling alley populated by old guys with walkers and respirators]

Breslin: So... seniors' bowling league, huh?

Michael: Most dangerous league on the planet, bro.

Breslin: How do you figure?

Michael: Most deaths.

Michael: Love is always dangerous.

[first lines]

Gilbert: All right, so apparently they erased my ad off the internet.

Michael: Well, I don't really know what the terms of use are, but it says here, flagged and removed.

Gilbert: [reading] Conduct: You agree not to post or otherwise make available content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, defamatory, pornographic, libelous, and harasses, debases, or is hateful towards... well, I don't think any of these things apply. Unless they're claiming it's unlawful. But I'm just gonna re-post it. Fuck 'em.

Michael: Uh, Janie can we talk?

Janie: Uh, I don't know, can we?

Michael: Where were you last night?

Janie: I don't think that's any of your business

Michael: Can we go someplace?.

Janie: I can't. These are real time results.

Michael: Move that shit.

Janie: That "shit" is my work.

Michael: Look, I'm sorry. It's just that you got me all tied up in knots here.

Janie: Aw, so now you're the victim.

Michael: I'm trying to apologize.

Janie: You're doing a lousy job.

Michael: Okay, okay now I get it. You want me to suffer the way i made you suffer right?

Janie: I have yet to hear a honest, simple expression of remorse.

Michael: I said I'm sorry.

Janie: You're sorry you got caught. How could you do that Michael?