Merlin Quotes in Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

Merlin: All right, I am what they say: I am a liar, a charlatan! I've deceived my whole life! But if I could, for one moment, change this world for the better, I would give up everything! Everything! I'd give up drink, money, wom... drink and money!

[Eggsy enters the study room with JB to meet with Arthur]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?

Arthur: Sit down.

[Eggsy sits down while Arthur looks at JB]

Arthur: Pretty dog. What's his name?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: JB.

Arthur: As in James Bond?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: No.

Arthur: Jason Bourne?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: No. Jack Bauer.

Arthur: Oh.

[pauses]

Arthur: Bravo. It pains me to admit it, Eggsy, but one day, you might be as good a spy as any of them.

[Arthur pulls out a gun and points it at Eggsy, then offers it to him]

Arthur: Take it.

[Eggsy takes the gun]

Arthur: Shoot the dog.

[Surprised look at Eggsy, as he points the gun at JB. Meanwhile, in the room next door, Merlin hands Roxy a gun]

Merlin: This weapon is live. Shoot the dog.

[Back in the study room, Eggsy continues to hesitate as JB stares at him. He shakes his head in disagreement]

Arthur: Give me the gun.

[Eggsy points the gun at Arthur. Suddenly, there is a gunshot from next door. Arthur takes the gun from him]

Arthur: At least the girl's got balls. Get out. I knew you couldn't make it. Go home.

[Eggsy and JB leave the room]

Arthur: Merlin, send in Roxy, please.

[after Eggsy puts on his suit]

Merlin: Looking good, Eggsy.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Feeling good, Merlin.

Merlin: As some of you will have learned last night, teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman. We're here to enhance your skills and test you to the limit. Which is why you're gonna pick a puppy. Wherever you go, your dog goes. You will care for it. You will teach it. And by the time it's fully trained, so will you be. Those of you who are still here, that is. Do you understand? Choose your puppy.

[the candidates approach the cages. Eggsy gets a pug while Roxy gets a black poodle]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: A poodle?

Roxy: What? They're gun dogs. Oldest working breed. Easy to train.

[Looks at Eggsy's pug]

Roxy: A pug.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: It's a bulldog, ain't it?

[Disappointing look at Roxy's face]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: It'll get bigger, don't it?

[Roxy shakes her head]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Shit.

Merlin: Hugo, Digby: you don't land in the K, you're not in the K. Rufus, you opened too soon. You were all over the radar. All three of you, pack your bags. Go home.

[the three candidates leave]

Merlin: Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations. You set a new record. Opening at 300 feet, that's pretty ballsy. Well done for completing another task. Fall out.

[Roxy and Charlie leave. Eggsy stays, angered that he was the one without a parachute]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Sorry, sir, but why the fuck did you choose me as the gimp? Am I the expendable candidate?

Merlin: No, no, no. You don't talk to me like that. If you have a complaint, you come here and whisper it in my ear.

[Eggsy approaches Merlin]

Merlin: You need to take that chip off your shoulder.

[Merlin pulls Eggsy's rip cord, revealing that he had a parachute the whole time]

[the Interrogator questions Charlie, who is tied to a railroad track]

The Interrogator: Is Kingsman worth dying for?

Charlie: No it fucking isn't! Shit! I'll tell you what you want, please! Chester King's Arthur! Arthur's head of the secret spy agency! It's called Kingsman! Get me out of here!

The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.

[Interrogator walks away]

Charlie: No, that wasn't the fucking deal!

[Train passes over Charlie and the section he's tied to drops down. Section rises as Arthur arrives at the scene]

Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You're a bloody disgrace.

Charlie: I'm so sorry. Please untie me.

Arthur: Untie yourself.

[Arthur walks away]

Charlie: Arth- Arthur, please. Shit. Anyone!

[Merlin, Hart, Eggsy, Roxy, and Percival observe the scene in the control room]

Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you will have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets. Understood?

[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other and nod to Merlin]

Merlin: Good. Dismissed.

[the Kingsman agents and candidates leave the room. Merlin turns around and turns on the loudspeaker at the railway]

Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.

Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking dad's gonna hear about this!

[Lee Unwin prevents a captive terrorist from killing his comrades with a suicide bomb by jumping over him before the explosion. Hart removes his mask]

Harry Hart: Shit. Fucking missed it. How did I fucking miss it? Merlin.

[Merlin removes his mask]

Harry Hart: I apologise for putting you in this position. You trained him well.

Merlin: James

[James removes his mask]

Merlin: Your training... is over.

Harry Hart: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.

Lancelot: Sir.

Harry Hart: [Looking at Unwin's body] I'll deal with this mess... personally.

[Eggsy and JB enter Hart's hospital room]

Harry Hart: Ever heard of knocking?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Only when I'm casing a place to rob. Merlin said you wanted to see me.

[JB barks at Hart]

Harry Hart: I hope JB's training is going as well as yours is.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Sit.

[JB sits]

Harry Hart: Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates. Your test results were even better than I could've hoped.

[Knock on the door]

Harry Hart: Come in.

[Merlin enters the room]

Merlin: Ah. Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation. You're dismissed.

Harry Hart: Nonsense. Let him observe. He might learn a thing or two.

Merlin: As you wish. Take a look at this.

[Merlin plays the video recording of Professor Arnold's head exploding]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Fucking hell! That's just rank, Harry. You blew up his head. It's a bit much, ain't it?

Merlin: Actually, the explosion was caused by an implant in his neck. Here, under that scar.

Harry Hart: Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it?

Merlin: Fortunately, yes. Unfortunately, the IP address it traced it to is registered to the Valentine Corporation.

Harry Hart: That's not much of a lead. They have millions of employees worldwide.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: That Richmond Valentine's a genius.

[Surprised look by Hart and Merlin]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Did you not see his announcement today?

[Eggsy grabs Merlin's clipboard and sets the TV to Valentine's speech]

Merlin: Congratulations on completing your first task. Charlie, Roxy, well done. For those of you who are still confused, if you can get a breathing tube through the U-bend of a toilet, you have an unlimited air supply. Simple physics... worth remembering. Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror.

Charlie: He's probably seen enough of them.

Merlin: Yeah, you can all wipe the smirk off your faces because as far as I'm concerned, every single one of you has failed. You all forgot the most important thing: Teamwork.

[Merlin points at the quarters. The candidates get up and see that Amelia has drowned]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So much for classic army technique.

Merlin: [to plummeting sky divers] I hope not to be scraping one of you up. But if I do have to, and you're inside the target, please know I'll be very impressed.

Merlin: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin. You are about to embark on what is probably the most dangerous job interview in the world. One of you, and only one of you, will become the next Lancelot.

[Grabs bag on bed]

Merlin: Can anybody tell me what this is?

[All candidates except Eggsy raise their hand. Merlin selects Charlie]

Merlin: Yes?

Charlie: Body bag, sir.

Merlin: Correct. Charlie, isn't it?

Charlie: Yes, sir.

Merlin: Good. In a moment, you will each collect a body bag. You will write your name on that bag. You will write the details of your next of kin on that bag. This represents your acknowledgment of the risks you are about to face, as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality, which incidentally if you break, will result in you and your next of kin being in that bag. Is that understood?

[All candidates except Eggsy, still with a confused look, nod]

Merlin: Excellent. Fall out.

[When prompted by his computer to activate Valentine's head implants]

Merlin: Yes please.

[Harry Hart is in a hate group church]

Church Leader: And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the Antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter...

Merlin: [watching the sermon] Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?

Church Leader: So, my friends, although he is a just God, he is just a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath...

Gazelle: Are you sure we're out of range?

Valentine: We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?

Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?

Valentine: You just have to trust me.

Church Leader: ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity.

Harry Hart: Would you excuse me?

Church Blonde Woman: Where are you going?

[Harry tries to leave the church]

Church Blonde Woman: Hey! What's your problem?

Harry Hart: I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

Valentine: Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.

Church Leader: [continuing his sermon] I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend!

Church Blonde Woman: Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!

[as Harry is about to shoot the woman Valentine starts his test and Harry, under the effects of the test, shoots the woman and everyone in the church attacks each other]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [surprised at what happened] Holy fuck!

Valentine: Oh, shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.

[Harry is in a hate group church]

Church Leader: And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter...

Merlin: [watching the sermon] Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?

Church Leader: So, my friends although he is a just God, he is justly a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath...

Valentine: Are you sure we're out of range?

Valentine: We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?

Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?

Valentine: You just have to trust me.

Church Leader: ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity.

Harry Hart: Would you excuse me?

Church Blonde Woman: Where are you going?

[Harry tries to leave the church]

Church Blonde Woman: Hey! What's your problem?

Harry Hart: I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

Valentine: Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.

[the church leader continues his sermon]

Church Blonde Woman: I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend! Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies. You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!

[as Harry is about to shoot the woman Valentine starts his test and Harry, under the effects of the test, shoots the woman and everyone in the church attacks each other]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [surprised at what happened] Holy fuck!

Valentine: Shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.

Merlin: What are you doing? You're slowing down, you're slowing down!

Maverick: I'm bringing him in closer, Merlin.

Merlin: You're gonna do what?

[Maverick is in a dogfight with a MiG and is down to one missile left]

Merlin: This is it, Maverick!

Maverick: I'm gonna hit the brakes, he'll fly right by.

Merlin: Shit! He's gonna get a lock on us!

Maverick: [the MiG eventually gets a lock onto Maverick] NOW!

[Maverick slams the breaks and the MiG passes by, then Maverick locks onto the MiG]

Maverick: Got a good lock, firing.

[the MiG is then destroyed by the missile]

Maverick: Whoo! Scratch four!

[after the final dogfight]

Maverick: Mustang, this is Maverick, requesting fly-by.

Air Boss Johnson: Negative, Ghost Rider. The Pattern is full.

Merlin: Uh, excuse me, something I should know about?

Air Boss Johnson: [gets his coffee] Thank you.

[Maverick does a fly-by past the Enterprise, causing the Air Boss to spill his coffee]

Air Boss Johnson: Goddamn that guy.

[Merlin sees the last two MiGs flying away at the end of the dogfight]

Merlin: Mustang, this is Voodoo 3. Remaining MiGs are bugging out.

Merlin: [to Arthur] It was love of your mother that freed the sword, not hatred of me.

Arthur: [kneeling over Lancelot's body, looking up to the sky] It was my life to be taken! Not this! Never this!

[as Bors, Galahad, and Gawain approach, bearing Tristan's body]

Arthur: My brave knights, I have failed you. I neither took you off this island, nor shared your fate.

Merlin: [to Arthur] No fate is shared.

[to other knights, and more confident]

Merlin: No fate is shared.

Bors: They chose their own fate.

[turning to Galahad, he spoke more assuredly]

Bors: As did we all.

[quietly, facing Arthur]

Bors: As did we all.

[Arthur's eyes drift to the sword briefly, and back to Lucan who looks down sadly]

Arthur: One day you'll be strong enough. And you'll come back for it.

[Gabriel kicks Rudy down on the ground]

Gabriel Mercer: So... You wanted a weapon, convict?

Rudy Duncan: [Gabriel pulls out a handgun and aims it down at Rudy] Ahh! No. Dont'! Ahh!

[Gabriel pulls the trigger repeatedly and shows Rudy it's a squirt gun]

Merlin: Well, now, look at what Santa's dwarves have brought you. What do you say to Santa's dwarves?

Rudy Duncan: It's elves. Santa's Elves.

Merlin: You say, thank you, motherfucker.

[men chuckling]

Merlin: Man, they got a shit load of cookies!

[Rudy and Gabriel talk about how they're going to pull off the robbery]

Rudy Duncan: I can tell you right now, going in there with A.K.s and ski masks ain't gonna do that.

Gabriel Mercer: [chuckles] Well, that part, Nick, was planned out the day I read your letters.

Rudy Duncan: Oh, yeah. What? we're all gonna dress up as cowboys?

Gabriel Mercer: No, no, not cowboys, Nick. Not on Christmas Eve.

[Gabriel and Merlin open a closet full of Santa Claus outfits]

Rudy Duncan: You gotta be kidding me.

Gabriel Mercer: Tis the season, convict.

Merlin: Ho... Ho, ho.

Merlin: If I didn't believe in magic, I'd still be treating gall bladders, prostates and stuff like that. See, magic ain't got nothing to do with organs and glands and busted necks. Magic got to do with the soul, man. Only the soul's got destiny. It got wings. It's can fly. That's magic. The body? The body's just got a few minutes down here in the dirt with the rest of us.

Billy: You see things before they happen.

Merlin: That's probability. Some things is just sure to happen. Seeing em comin' ain't nothing to get excited about.

Billy: No, you taught me too good, magician. You taught me to believe. That black bird's gonna get me.

Billy: [waking a disoriented Bagman, who was asleep by the campfire] There's not two different fights, there can't be two different fights. You got to fight for your ideals, and if you die, your ideals don't die. The code that we're living by is the truth. The truth IS the code! I can't let people walk on that idea, I can't!

[He rises, heads to the motorcycles]

Steve: [waking as Billy starts his motorcycle] What the hell's going on?

Merlin: [who has been watching silently all along] Billy's using your bike.

Billy: I had another dream.

Merlin: That right?

Billy: Black bird again. Same black bird

Merlin: Way you get knocked around, you're bound to have some weird dreams, Billy.

Merlin: STAND BACK! Be silent! Be still!... That's it... and look upon this moment. Savor it! Rejoice with great gladness! Great gladness! Remember it always, for you are joined by it. You are One, under the stars. Remember it well, then... this night, this great victory. So that in the years ahead, you can say, 'I was there that night, with Arthur, the King!' For it is the doom of men that they forget.

Arthur: Swear faith to me, and you shall have mercy! I need battle lords such as you!

Uryenes: [scornfully] A noble knight swear faith to a squire?

Mador: NEVER... NEVER!

Arthur: You are right.

Arthur: You're right... I'm not yet a knight.

[Hands Excalibur to Uyrenes and kneels]

Arthur: You, Uryenes, will make me a knight. Then as knight to knight... I can offer you mercy.

Merlin: [Alarmed] What's this? What's this?

Mador: Keep it, Uryenes!

Uryenes: [hesitates and then touches Excalibur to Arthur's shoulder] In the name of God, St Michael and St George, I give you the right to bear arms and the power to mete justice!

Arthur: That duty I will solemnly obey, as knight and king.

Merlin: I never saw this.

Uryenes: Rise... King Arthur.

[Uryenes kneels before Arthur]

Uryenes: I am your humble knight, and I swear allegiance to the courage in your veins. So strong it is, its source must be Uther Pendragon's. I doubt you no more!

[kisses Arthur's hand - other knights also kneel]

Merlin: When a man lies, he murders some part of the world.

[Arthur has broken Excalibur on Lancelot's chest]

Arthur: Merlin! What have I done?

Merlin: You have broken what could not be broken! Now, hope is broken.

Arthur: My pride broke it. My rage broke it! This excellent knight, who fought with fairness and grace, was meant to win. I used Excalibur to change that verdict. I've lost, for all time, the ancient sword of my fathers, whose power was meant to unite all men... not to serve the vanity of a single man. I am... nothing.

Merlin: Now look, I once stood exposed to the Dragon's Breath so that a man could lie one night with a woman. It took me nine moons to recover. And all for this lunacy called, "love", this mad distemper that strikes down both beggar and king. Never again. Never.

Merlin: The future has taken root in the present.

Arthur: [of Lancelot] Will he live?

Merlin: Oh, yes.

Arthur: Will Guinevere...?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: Merlin, will I ever have a son?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: No riddles? Nothing but a simple "yes"? That frightens me.

Merlin: But a King should be afraid, Arthur, always... of the enemy. Waiting, everywhere. In the corridors of his castle, on the deer-paths of his forests, or in a more tangled forest... in here.

[taps his head with his finger]

Merlin: You brought me back. Your love brought me back. Back to where you are now. In the land of dreams.

Arthur: Are you a dream, Merlin?

Merlin: [softly] A dream to some.

[Yelling]

Merlin: A nightmare to others.

Arthur: Rise, Father, please. I was your son before I became your king; if I am King.

Sir Ector: You are king, Arthur; the more so because you are not my son, and I am not your father.

Arthur: Not my father? Then Kay is not my brother?

Sir Ector: Merlin the magician brought you to me when you were newly born, and bade me raise you as my own. At first, I did so because I feared Merlin, but later because I loved you.

Arthur: Who is my true father?

Sir Ector: Only Merlin can tell you that.

Arthur: And who is Merlin?

Merlin: [enters suddenly from the forest] I... am the Merlin.

Arthur: Whose son am I?

Merlin: You are the son of Uther and Igrayne. You are King Arthur!

Uther: The sword. You promised me the sword.

Merlin: And you shall have it; but to heal, not to hack. Tomorrow, a truce; we meet at the river.

Uther: Talk. Talk is for lovers, Merlin. I need the sword to be king.

Morgana: Your eyes never leave me, Merlin.

Merlin: Can't I acknowledge beauty?

Morgana: Can't you acknowledge... love? Perhaps you ache for what you've never known.

Merlin: Perhaps you lust for what you cannot have.

Merlin: What are you afraid of?

Arthur: I don't know.

Merlin: Shall I tell you what's out there?

Arthur: Yes, please.

Merlin: The Dragon. A beast of such power that if you were to see it whole and all complete in a single glance, it would burn you to cinders.

Arthur: Where is it?

Merlin: It is everywhere! It is everything! Its scales glisten in the bark of trees, its roar is heard in the wind! And its forked tongue strikes like... like...

[lightning strikes near their feet]

Merlin: Whoa! Like lightning! Yes, that's it.

Arthur: How can I...? What should I...? Must I...?

Merlin: Do nothing. Be still. Sleep. Rest in the arms of the Dragon. Dream.

Merlin: Look into the eyes of the dragon and despair!

Arthur: Merlin, where are you going?

Merlin: Where do you think? You have a kingdom to rule.

Arthur: But how? I don't know how.

Merlin: You knew how to draw the sword from the stone.

Arthur: That was easy.

Merlin: Was it? I couldn't have done it.

Arthur: You couldn't?

Merlin: You're the King. Not I.

Arthur: But where to start?

Merlin: Well what do think happened since you ran off.

Arthur: Sir Ector and Kay. They must be waiting all this time. All the great Knights were against me except for Leondegrance of Camelyard. If he supports me, the Knights are all against him.

Merlin: Right now they lay siege to his castle.

Arthur: I need him. We must help him.

Merlin: There you are. That was easy too. Wasn't it?

Merlin: Looking at the cake is like looking at the future, until you've tasted it what do you really know? And then, of course, it's too late.

[Arthur takes a bite]

Merlin: Too late.

Merlin: Good and evil, there never is one without the other.

Uther: Where have you been?

Merlin: I have walked my way since the beginning of time. Sometimes I give, sometimes I take, it is mine to know which and when!

Uther: You must help me, Merlin!

Merlin: Must I?

Uther: I am your King!

Merlin: So! You need me again now that my truce is wrecked! Years to build and moments to ruin! And all for lust!

Uther: For Igrayne! One night with her. You don't understand, you're not a man. Use the magic. Do it!

Merlin: [considering] Igrayne... You will swear by your true Kingship... to grant me what I wish, then you shall have it.

Uther: [kneeling] By Excalibur, I swear it!

Merlin: What issues from your lust, shall be mine. Swear it again!

Uther: I SWEAR IT!

Arthur: Where hides evil in my kingdom, then?

Merlin: Always... where you never expect it. Always.

Gawain: I know where.

Arthur: Where, Sir Gawain?

Gawain: I cannot say.

Arthur: You must speak your heart. You sit at the Round Table. Where is this evil?

Gawain: He's our best... and our bravest... why, then, is he never here? Without Lancelot, this table is nothing! Is there anyone here who doesn't think him a god? And now to be driven from us

[points to Guenevere]

Gawain: by a woman's desire!

Guenevere: In the idleness that comes with peace, I see that gossip has bred its own evil! I will forgive your hasty words. Come... drink from Lancelot's cup, and partake of his 'goodness'.

[the cup is passed to Gawain, who proceeds to slam it upside-down on the table in defiance of Guenevere]

Arthur: You DARE accuse the Queen, Gawain?

Gawain: I do!

Guenevere: I protest my innocence!

Arthur: [standing up and drawing Excalibur threateningly] WERE I NOT KING, I WOULD MAKE YOU PAY WITH YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT YOU'VE SAID!

Guenevere: Will you not champion me?

Arthur: I cannot! I am your King, and I must be your judge in this. Lancelot must do it. He also stands accused. I decree - that at sunrise, two days from now, the champions will meet, and the truth shall be known. For by the law of God, no knight who is false can win in combat with one who is true.

Arthur: Do you still have the Sight, Merlin? Are they together?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: You warned me of this, all those years ago. What must I do now... Kill them?

Merlin: I can tell you nothing. My days are ended. The gods of once are gone... forever. It's a time for men. It's your time, Arthur.

Arthur: I need you now... more than ever.

Merlin: No. This is the moment that you must face at last. To be King, alone.

Arthur: And you, old friend? Will I see you again?

Merlin: No. There are other worlds. This one is done with me.

Merlin: [Arthur embraces Merlin, then walks away; Merlin stares off into the twilit sky then quietly says] That's it.

Merlin: Remember, there's always something cleverer than yourself.

Merlin: You're not listening... well, your heart is not. Love is deaf as well as blind. That's it.

Merlin: He who draws the sword from the stone, he shall be king. Arthur, you're the one.

Uther: [Uther is dying after being ambushed] No-one shall wield Excalibur but me!

[drives Excalibur into the stone as he dies]

Merlin: [casting a spell] Whoever pulls the sword from the stone, he shall be king!

[looking at the infant Arthur]

Merlin: You, Arthur, you are the one.

Uther Pendragon: To kill and be king, is that all?

Merlin: Perhaps not even that.

Uther Pendragon: You strike me with words hard as steel!

Merlin: You betrayed the Duke. You stole his wife. You took his castle. Now no one trusts you. You're not the one. Give me the child. I will protect him.

Uther: Merlin! You come when you're not asked... and pay no heed when I call you!

Merlin: Oh, I have slept... for nine moons. What I did for you wasn't easy. Now you must pay me... the child is mine, Uther... you swore an oath.

Uther: They were hasty words, Merlin. This is flesh and blood!

Igrayne: Uther, is this true? Don't let him take the child!

Uther: I swore an oath, Igrayne. I made a pact with Merlin.

Igrayne: It was you, you came to me that night! YOU ARE THE FATHER!

Uther: To kill and be King... is that all?

Merlin: You betrayed the Duke, you stole his wife, you took his castle, now no-one trusts you. You're not the one, Uther. Give me the child, I will protect him.

Uther: TAKE HIM... TAKE THE DEVIL CHILD!

[Uther and Cornwall meet]

Merlin: Show the sword! Behold! The Sword of Power! Excalibur! Forged when the world was young, and bird and beast and flower were one with man, and death was but a dream!

[to Uther]

Merlin: Speak the words!

Uther Pendragon: One land, one king! That is my peace, Cornwall!

Lord Cornwall: Lord Uther, if I yield to the Sword of Power, what will you yield?

Uther Pendragon: Me yield?

Merlin: He has given, now you must.

Uther Pendragon: The land from here to the sea shall be yours if you enforce the King's will!

Lord Cornwall: Done!

Merlin: [to himself] Good.

Lord Cornwall: King Uther, let us feast together! To my castle!

Merlin: The days of our kind are numberèd. The one God comes to drive out the many gods. The spirits of wood and stream grow silent. It's the way of things. Yes... it's a time for men, and their ways.

Merlin: It is a lonely life, the way of the necromancer... oh, yes. Lacrimae Mundi - the tears of the world.

Merlin: Ooh, that plan is well known. You'll have to do better than that.

Arthur: Which is the greatest quality of knighthood? Courage? Compassion? Loyalty? Humility? What do you say, Merlin?

Merlin: Hmm? Ah. Ah. Ah, the greatest. Uh, well, they blend, like the metals we mix to make a good sword.

Arthur: No poetry. Just a straight answer. Which is it?

Merlin: All right, then. Truth. That's it. Yes. It must be truth above all. When a man lies, he murders some god of the world. You should know that.

Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!

[Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]

Artie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!

[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]

Artie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!

[a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]

Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-

[the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]

Merlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.

Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]

[weeping like a troubled teen]

Artie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!

Merlin: Come on, take it easy!

Artie: No! I don't think you understand!

[collapses at Merlin's feet]

Artie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people

Shrek: Oh, have a heart, old man

Artie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?

[collapses and sobs inaudibly]

Merlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things

Artie: [stands up and clears his throat]

[to Shrek]

Artie: Piece of cake.

Merlin: [meditating] I'm a buzzing bee... buzz, buzz, buzz...

Artie: Mr. Merlin? They...

[gestures to Shrek and crew, but stops short]

Artie: ... *we* really need your help. Do you think you can use your magic to transport us to...

Merlin: [interrupting] Sorry, kid, I don't do that stuff anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic there is!

Merlin: Now, look into the fire and tell me what you see.

Donkey: Ooh, charades! I see a chocolate waffle with cinnamon swirls.

Merlin: Okay, monster. Go for it.

[Shrek looks into the smoke, sees a baby carriage; tries to blow it away]

Shrek: Uh... I see a rainbow pony.

Merlin: Can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?

Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.

[last lines]

Merlin: Why, they might even make a motion picture about you.

Arthur: Motion picture?

Merlin: Oh. Heh-heh-heh, uh, well, uh, that's something like television... heh-heh... without commercials.

[preparing for the Wizards' Duel]

Madame Mim: Now, first of all, if you don't mind, I'll make the rules.

Archimedes the Owl: Rules indeed! G'ha-ha-ha! Why, she only wants rules so she can break 'em.

Madame Mim: I'll take care of you later, feather-brain.

[Archimedes huffs indignantly]

Madame Mim: Now, Rule One: No mineral or vegetable, only animals. Rule Two: No make-believe things like, uh, oh, pink dragons and stuff. Now, Rule Three: No disappearing.

[pinches Merlin playfully on the nose]

Merlin: Rule Four: No cheating.

Arthur: Oh, Merlin! You're back from Ber... Ber... Ber...

Merlin: Bermuda? Yes, back from Bermuda and the 20th century, heh-heh. And, believe me, you can have it. One big modern mess!

Merlin: [about Archimedes] When he stays out all night, he's always grumpy the next morning.

Arthur: Then he must stay out every night.

Merlin: Madam, I have not disappeared. I'm very tiny. I am a germ. A rare disease. I am called malignalitaloptereosis... and you caught me, Mim!

Madame Mim: What!

Merlin: Now, Archimedes. Why would you half-drown yourself for a tidbit of fish, eh?, and after such a big breakfast?

Archimedes the Owl: [wringing himself dry] Pinfeathers and...

[puffs up suddenly]

Archimedes the Owl: ...golly fluff!

Arthur: You mean you can see everything before it happens?

Merlin: Yes, everything!

Archimedes the Owl: Uh-uh-uh-uh! "Everything," Merlin?

Merlin: Uh, vuh... No, no, not EVERYTHING. I, uh, I admit I didn't know whom to expect for tea, but as you can see... heh-heh!...

[points with his staff to the hole in the roof where Arthur fell through]

Merlin: ...I figured the exact place!

[Merlin turns Arthur back into a human and Arthur laughs, which causes the girl squirrel to gasp]

Arthur: There, now you see? I'm not a squirrel. I'm a boy.

[the girl squirrel chirps as if asking a question]

Arthur: I tried to tell you. I'm, I'm a boy. A human boy!

[the girl squirrel climbs up to a knot on her tree and sniffs]

Arthur: Oh! If you could only understand.

[the girl squirrel runs up to the hole in the tree and cries her heart out as Arthur remorsefully walks away]

Merlin: Ah, you know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing.

[the girl squirrel, sobbing, watches Arthur slowly walk away]

Arthur: Greater than gravity?

Merlin: Well, yes, boy. In its way, I'd, uh... Yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth.

[the girl squirrel climbs to the top of her tree to get one last look at Arthur and sobs one last time as the screen fades to black]

Merlin: [covering Sir Ector with magical indoor snow] That is what I call a "wizard blizzard".

Sir Ector: [shivering] Hey, Kay. Hey, would you look at this? An indoor blizzard! And in the month of July!

Kay: So what?

Merlin: There! You see? I'm an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man!

[Merlin magics the dishes to wash themselves]

Arthur: But I'm supposed to do it.

Merlin: No one will know the difference, son. Who cares as long as the work gets done?

Sir Ector: There you are, you old goat! Well, what's the idea of flinging your evil spells all over the place, hm? Ugh, lend me a hand, boy.

[Kay helps Ector up]

Sir Ector: Well, what have you got to say for yourself, hm ?

Merlin: You call washing dishes and sweeping floors a work of evil?

Castle Scullery Maid: You old goat! If I ever catch you in my kitchen again, I'll...

Merlin: Madame, you won't!

[promptly disappears]

Arthur: [enters Merlin's room wearing his squire robes] Merlin, look! I'm a squire!

Merlin: [disapprovingly] Ha!

Archimedes the Owl: Oh... uh... very nice, boy.

Merlin: Yes, indeed. A fine monkey suit for polishing boots.

Arthur: It's... it's what all squires wear.

Merlin: And I thought you were going to amount to something. I thought you had a few brains! Great future! Ha! A stooge for that big lunk Kay. Congratulations, boy!

Merlin: Blow me to Bermuda!

[Merlin suddenly blasts off like a rocket]

Arthur: Where... W-where did he go?

Archimedes the Owl: To Bermuda, I suppose.

Arthur: Where's that?

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, an island way off somewhere that hasn't been discovered yet.

Arthur: Will he ever come back?

Archimedes the Owl: Who knows? Who knows anything?

Merlin: I have come to educate the Wart.

Sir Ector: Oh, no, you don't. I'm running this place, and if you think you're gonna fiddle with my schedule, you'd better pack up your bag of tricks and be gone!

[Merlin promptly disappears]

Sir Ector: What? Well, by Jove! Hey, he's gone.

Kay: Hm? Good riddance.

Merlin: [disembodied voice] I'm gone, but then, I'm not gone. Heh-heh-heh. So if I do leave, you can never be sure that I am gone, can you?

Sir Ector: Well, uh... heh-heh-heh-heh... Well, I must say, you... got me there, Marvin. Uh, heh. Yes, well, you win. You're welcome to stay if you like.

Merlin: [appearing suddenly] Thank you. You're very kind. Very generous, I must say.

Sir Ector: I, uh, I hope you don't go in for any of that black magic.

Merlin: Oh, no, no, no, no. Never touch the stuff.

Merlin: Oh, it's not too serious, madam. You should recover in a few weeks and be as good, uh... he-he-he, I mean, as BAD as ever; but, uh, I would suggest plenty of rest, and lots and lots of sunshine.

Madame Mim: I hate sunshine! I hate horrible, wholesome sunshine! I hate it! I hate it! I hate, hate, hate, HAAATE...!

Archimedes the Owl: If the boy goes about saying the world is round, they'll take him for a lunatic.

Arthur: The world is round?

Merlin: Yes. Yes, that's right, and it also, uh, goes A-round.

Arthur: You mean it'll be round SOMEDAY.

Merlin: No, no, no, it's round now. Man will discover this in centuries to come. And he will also find that the world is merely a tiny speck in the universe.

Arthur: Universe?

Archimedes the Owl: Ah! You're only confusing the boy. Before you're through, he'll be so mixed up, he'll... he'll be wearing his shoes on his head!

Arthur: I'm in an awful pickle. I'm king!

Archimedes the Owl: Ooo, he pulled a sword from the stone.

Merlin: Ha ha! Of course, of course. King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.

Arthur: Round table?

Merlin: Oh, uh, w-would you rather have a square one?

Arthur: Oh, no. Round will be fine.

Merlin: Don't... don't you get any foolish ideas that magic will solve all your problems, because it won't.

Arthur: But sir, I don't have any problems.

Merlin: Oh, bah! Everybody's got problems. The world is full of problems.

[gets his beard caught in the door]

Merlin: D'oof! Oh, blast it all! There, now! You see what I mean?

Merlin: Archimedes, where... where-where are we?

Archimedes the Owl: In a tumbled-down old tower in the most miserable old castle in all Christiandom. That's where.

Merlin: Uh, c-castle? Castle?

Archimedes the Owl: Don't you even remember the boy?

Merlin: Uh... The boy?

Sir Ector: [outside, to Kay] Can't you remember one blasted thing?

Merlin: [to Archimedes] Now, now, just a moment. I-I...

Sir Ector: Firm grasp on the lance!

Merlin: [realizing it's not from Archimedes] Oh.

Arthur: You were really great, Merlin, but... but you could've been killed.

Merlin: It was worth it, lad, if you learned something from it.

Arthur: Knowledge and wisdom is the real power.

Merlin: Right you are, Wart, so stick to your schooling, boy.

Arthur: Oh, oh, don't worry. I will, sir. I will. Oh, I really will.

Sir Ector: [on Archimedes] Say, say, I know! You've got him under a spell, Marvin. You're a magician, hm?

Merlin: The name is MER-LIN and I happen to be the world's most powerful wizard!

Sir Ector: [laughing] Come off it, man! Ha! Hoo-hoo! Gadzooks, ha-ha-ha...!

Merlin: All right, I shall demonstrate.

[clears throat]

Merlin: Higitus, figitus, migitus moe, wind and snow, *swirl and blow*!

[snow billows out of the end of Merlin's wand and covers Sir Ector]

Merlin: [Struggling with a well] A dark age, indeed! Age of inconvenience! No plumbing, no electricity, no nothing!

[Slips and almost falls into the well]

Merlin: Oh, hang it all! Hang it all!

[Starts to leave, but his foot is caught in the chain]

Merlin: Oh, now what, now what? Here, leave off! Leave off! You... you fiendish chain, you! Everything complicated! One big medieval mess!

[Torrential rain. Rider draws up to the portcullis and sounds his horn]

Guard: Who goes there?

Sir Pelinore: Pelinore! It's Pelinore, dash it all! I've got big news from London! BIG NEWS! Come on, man, drop the bridge!

Merlin: [Listening from the guest room] Oh, big news, eh? Hm. They can't wait for the London Times. First edition won't be out for at least, uh...

[looks at watch]

Merlin: ...1200 years. Ha!

[Raps on Archimedes' house]

Merlin: Archimedes? Uh, would you mind sailing down there and, and, uh...

Archimedes the Owl: [irritably] Not interested.

Merlin: Oh, come, come, come, come, now. You're as wet as you can get!

Archimedes the Owl: No! Nope, nope, nope!

Merlin: Archimedes! I'll turn you into a human.

Archimedes the Owl: Hm! You wouldn't dare!

Merlin: I will! So help me, I will!

Archimedes the Owl: All right, all right, all RIGHT!

[Flies off to spy on Sir Ector and Pelinore]

Merlin: All right, eh? He-he-he! Works every time, heh! Just like magic.

Merlin: Hockety pockety wockety wack! Odds and ends and bric-a-brac!

Merlin: [to Wart] Be with you in just a minute, son. Packing's almost done. Ha!

[Merlin's shrinking and packing spell is going so fast that Archimedes, spinning off a rotating globe, rushes into his owl house for refuge. Unfortunately, it too is in the spell. The panicked owl, feeling his house moving... ]

Archimedes the Owl: Who... who's there?

[... barely pulls himself out before being crushed ]

Archimedes the Owl: [to Merlin] You, you, you - bumbling blockhead!

Merlin: Now, now, Mim, Mim, no... no dragons, remember?

Madame Mim: Did I say no purple dragons? Did I?

Sir Pelinore: It's not a mere matter of muscle, son. Uh, jousting is, uh... a fine skill. It-it's a highly-developed science.

Merlin: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Science indeed. One dummy trying to knock off another dummy with a bit of a stick.

Archimedes the Owl: And the Wart's just as hot for it as the rest of them.

Merlin: Aye, that he is. That boy has got real spark. Lots of spirit. Throws himself heart and soul into everything he does. That's really worth something, if it could only be turned in the right direction.

Archimedes the Owl: Ha ha! Fat chance of that.

Merlin: Oh, I plan to cheat, of course. Use magic. Every last trick in the trade if I have to.

Arthur: Merlin! Merlin, I-I swallowed a bug!

Merlin: Oh, well, what's wrong with that? After all, my boy, you ARE a fish. Instinct, you know.

Arthur: But you said I have no instinct.

Merlin: Yes! Oh... oh, I did? Well that's-that's neither here nor there.

Merlin: [teaching Arthur to swim as a fish] Now, there are lots of ups and downs like, like a... like a helicopter.

Arthur: [confused] Helicopter?

Merlin: Yes, y... oh. Well, no, never mind.

Merlin: Don't take gravity too lightly or it'll catch up with you.

Arthur: What's gravity?

Merlin: Gravity is what causes you to fall.

Arthur: Oh, like a stumble or... or a trip?

Merlin: Yes, it's like a stumble or a... No, no, no, no, no. It's the force that pulls you downward, the... the phenomenon that any two material particles or bodies, if free to move, will be accelerated toward each other.

Merlin: [to the sugar pot] Impudent piece of crockery.

Arthur: [singing, as a fish] For every to, there is a fro; for every stop there is a go, and that's what makes the world go round.

[He stops as a frog grabs his tail]

Arthur: Ooo, let go, let go!

[pulls his tail free]

Arthur: Oh you big bug-eyed bully you!

Merlin: Who, *me*?

Merlin: So you must plan for the future, boy! You've got to find a direction! And you've, uh... oh, er... Now, by the by, what direction is this castle of yours?

Arthur: I think it's north, the other way.

Merlin: Oh, oh...

[Mumbles]

Merlin: All right, then we better get a move on. Come on, lad. Pick up the pace. Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!

Merlin: Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitonium! Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitoni-UM!

Merlin: He should be here in, I'd say, half an hour.

Archimedes the Owl: Who? Who? I'd like to know who!

Merlin: I told you, Archimedes, I am not sure. All I know is that someone will be coming. Someone very important.

Archimedes the Owl: Oh, pinfeathers!

Merlin: Fate will direct him to me, so that I, in turn, may guide him to his rightful place in the world.

Merlin: Man will fly someday, I tell you! I have been there! I have seen it!

Arthur: Oh, I do hope so. I've always dreamed about flying; that I was a bird and that I could go sailing all over the sky, high above everything...

[Merlin sneaks up behind him and quietly changes him into a sparrow]

Arthur: It's my favorite dream. But then, I suppose everyone dreams about flying.

[notices his new form; now happily starts flying]

Arthur: I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird!

Merlin: [laughs] Hold it, boy! Not so fast, not so fast. First, I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing.

[grabs Archimedes' wing and runs his finger along the feathers]

Merlin: Now, these large feathers are called the primaries, and...

Archimedes the Owl: And since when do you know all about birds' wings?

Merlin: I have made an extensive study of birds in flight, and...

Archimedes the Owl: And if you don't mind, I happen to be a bird!

Merlin: All right, Mr. Know-It-All! He's your pupil!

Merlin: [another squirrel is pulling his tail] Madam! Madam!

King Arthur: Is there any news? Have the knights found Excalibur?

Merlin: I'm afraid not, Sire.

King Arthur: Then I'll go after it myself.

Merlin: [supports him as he stumbles immediately after speaking] No. You must regain your strength.

King Arthur: Is there anything your magic can do?

Merlin: You must rely on the courage of your people.

Merlin: [Watching Hermes continuing to joust after his head falls off] I have seen similar phenomen in chickens, M'Lord

Merlin: No, don't eat it! You'll get feathers everywhere!

Merlin: It is metal it attracts, Sir Mordred! Touch not metal with the blade!

Sir Mordred: May his head be not of metal!

Merlin: To think is to falter to believe is to do; even Evil.

Merlin: Tricks? Gadzooks, Madam, these are not tricks! I do magic. I - I create, I transpose, I transubstantiate, I break up, I recombine - but I never trick!