Melodie St. Ann Celestine Quotes in Whatever Works (2009)

Boris Yellnikoff: [to audience] I happen to hate New Year's celebrations. Everybody desperate to have fun. Trying to celebrate in some pathetic little way. Celebrate what? A step closer to the grave? That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace, whatever works. And don't kid yourself. Because its by no means up to your own human ingenuity. A bigger part of your existence is luck, than you'd like to admit. Christ, you know the odds of your fathers one sperm from the billions, finding the single egg that made you. Don't think about it, you'll have a panic attack.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Boris, what are you doing? Who're you talking to?

Boris Yellnikoff: What? There's people out there watching us!

Helena: What?

Marietta: Out there?

Boris Yellnikoff: Yeah, they're watching... well, there was when we started. I don't know how many are left.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Does anybody see anybody out there?

Marietta: Out there? No!

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Oh Boris...

Boris Yellnikoff: [to audience] See? I'm the only one that sees the whole picture. That's what they mean by genius.

Randy: I dreamt about you last night.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Don't use that line, because Boris said he dreamt about me last night, and I really doubt that it's mathematically possible for me to be in two dreams at one time.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Am I a member of my generation?

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Here, I'll put something on TV.

Boris Yellnikoff: I saw the abyss!

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Don't worry, we'll watch something else.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's uncertainty principal?

Randy: I have heard of it, yeah.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: The observer influences the experiment. It-it's just like - when my mother makes love to one of the guys she's living with, a certain way, when they're alone. But, when she's in front of the other guy - she does it differently.

Randy: That, Heisenberg. I had no idea it was so sexual.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: All I know is that nothing moves faster than the speed of light, so you may as well relax.

Marietta: How'd he get that limp?

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: He jumped out the window and his suicide didn't work.

Marietta: You can't win 'em all.

Boris Yellnikoff: How old are you?

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: I, I'm 21.

Boris Yellnikoff: 21? Yeah, you're 21 like I play for the Yankees. 21...

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: You're a professional athlete, with that limp?

Boris Yellnikoff: It's uncanny, she's exactly the kind of moron you described.

Marietta: You are not the gentleman I was expecting.

Boris Yellnikoff: I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy if she married the guy who caught the biggest catfish in Plaquemin County.

Marietta: I'd be happier if she married the catfish.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Well you see mama, Boris is a genius okay, he doesn't have a lot of patience for us inchworms.

Boris Yellnikoff: We, we inchworms! I was almost nominated for a Nobel Prize.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: That's right Boris, and what was it for? Best Picture?

John: Who's this?

Boris Yellnikoff: Who are *you*?

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: This is Boris, my husband.

John: Boris your who?

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: He's my husband, I'm Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff.

John: Who are you?

Boris Yellnikoff: I'm her husband. You want to pass out here, or go into the living room.

Marietta: Listen, listen. I want to go someplace fun. Take me someplace fun. It's New York, let's go!

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Boris, where can I take her that's fun?

Boris Yellnikoff: How about the Holocaust museum?

Marietta: [Walking up to a wax figure of Donald Trump in Madame Tussauds Wax Museum] Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the kind of man you should be married to. Not that communist who sings happy birthday every time he washes his hands.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: How long are you staying, Mom?

Perry's Friend: I dreamt about you last night. I...

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Don't use that line! Because Boris said that he dreamt about me last night and I really doubt it's mathematically possible for me to be in two dreams at one time.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: If you throw me out and I wind up an Asian prostitute, that's gonna be on your conscience.

Boris Yellnikoff: I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile child. I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange between a bedraggled microbe, and a Nobel level thinker.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: So what kind of genius are you any way?

Boris Yellnikoff: What *kind*?

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Yeah, like what are you a genius at?

Boris Yellnikoff: Quantum Mechanics.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Yeah, but what field... Like music?

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Do you really think I'm beautiful?

Boris Yellnikoff: I admit that I didn't give you you're full due at first - physically. However, as only a great mind can do, I've reassessed... my... position, and uh, changed my mind.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: So you could, you could never think of marrying me?

Boris Yellnikoff: Have you lost your mind? Why on earth would you even fantasize about such a thing. What could I offer you but a bad temper, hypochondriasis, morbid fixations, reclusive rages, and and misanthropy. And what could you offer me? A character out of Faulkner, not unlike Benjy.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: Oh wait, I always carry some Viagra with me.

Randy: That's okay, I eat a lot of red meat...

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: What are you talking about?

Marietta: Oh, face it, Melodie, Boris is not like a real husband. He's more of an out patient and your his keeper.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.

Melodie St. Ann Celestine: I thought you didn't have an ulcer.

Boris Yellnikoff: No, I said they can't find an ulcer. Not that I don't have one.