Melman the Giraffe Quotes in Madagascar (2005)

Alex the Lion: [shouts] You maniac! You burned it up! Darn you! Darn you all to heck!

Melman the Giraffe: Can we go to the fun side now?

Melman the Giraffe: [shouts] Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!

Melman the Giraffe: It's getting late. I guess I'm gonna...

[starts snoring]

Melman the Giraffe: [Melman presents Marty with a gift-wrapped thermometer]

Marty the Zebra: Aw a thermometer!Thanks!I love it Melman, I love it!

[he puts it in his mouth and poses]

Melman the Giraffe: I really wanted to give you a personal present. Do you know that was my first rectal thermometer?

Marty the Zebra: Motherf...

[Marty spits it out and retches]

Gloria the Hippo: Aww, you poor little baby, did that big mean lion scare you?

Mort the Mouse Lemur: Mm-hmm.

Gloria the Hippo: He did? He's a big fat old puddy-tat, isn't he?

Mort the Mouse Lemur: [gurgling and lifting arms up to be picked up]

Gloria the Hippo: Come on, mama hold you. Awww!

Melman the Giraffe: They are so cute from a reasonable distance.

Gloria the Hippo: Look at you! Aren't you the sweetest thing... aww I just wanna dunk him in my coffee!

Mort the Mouse Lemur: [giggling cutely]

Alex the Lion: Come on! What does Connecticut have to offer us?

Melman the Giraffe: Lyme disease.

Alex the Lion: Thank you, Melman.

Gloria the Hippo: Okay, let's make a good impression on the people. Smiles, everyone. Let's get it together.

[to Melman]

Gloria the Hippo: Is that the best you can do, Melman?

Melman the Giraffe: Oh, I'm not smiling. It's gas.

Gloria the Hippo: Okay, well, great. Let's make gas look good.

Melman the Giraffe: Augh! Underpants!

[singing]

Alex the Lion: Happy...

Gloria the Hippo: Birth...

Melman the Giraffe: Day...

Alex the Lion: To...

Gloria the Hippo: You...

Alex the Lion: You...

Melman the Giraffe: Live...

Gloria the Hippo: In...

Alex the Lion: A zoo...

Gloria the Hippo: You...

Melman the Giraffe: Look...

Alex the Lion: Like a monkey...

Melman the Giraffe: And...

Alex the Lion: You smell...

Gloria the Hippo: Like...

[all together]

Alex the Lion, Melman the Giraffe, Gloria the Hippo: One too!

Gloria the Hippo: Melman! Are you okay?

Melman the Giraffe: Yeah. I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI.

Alex the Lion: Melman, you're not getting an MRI.

Melman the Giraffe: CAT scan?

Alex the Lion: No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer! It's a zoo transfer!

Melman the Giraffe: Zoo transfer? Oh, no. No, no. I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at five. There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am NOT going HMO!

Marty the Zebra: Take it easy, Melman. We are gonna be o-kizzay.

Alex the Lion: No, we're not gonna be o-kizzay! Because of you, we're ruined!

Alex the Lion: Come on! Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous day in the Big Apple. Let's go.

Melman the Giraffe: Not for me. I'm calling in sick.

Alex the Lion: What?

Melman the Giraffe: I found a bro... another brown spot on my shoulder, right here. See? Right th... right there. You see?

Alex the Lion: Melman, you know it's all in your head. Hm?

Marty the Zebra: [about King Julian] He's got style.

Alex the Lion: What is he, like, king of the guinea pigs?

Melman the Giraffe: I think it's a squirrel.

Julian: Welcome, giant pansies. Please feel free to bask in my glow.

Alex the Lion: Definitely a squirrel.

Melman the Giraffe: Yep, a squirrel.

Melman the Giraffe: Hey! Hey, you guys! That room has some nifty little sinks we can wash up in, and look!

[Takes urinal cake out of mouth]

Melman the Giraffe: Free mints!

Gloria the Hippo: Come on, we are New Yorkers, right?

Marty the Zebra: Yeah.

Gloria the Hippo: We're tough! We're gritty!

Marty the Zebra: Yeah!

Gloria the Hippo: We're adaptable!

Melman the Giraffe: Yeah!

Gloria the Hippo: And we are not gonna lay down like a bunch of Melmans!

Melman the Giraffe: No, we're not!

Alex the Lion: How's the liberty fire going, Melman?

Melman the Giraffe: Great.

[in hushed voice]

Melman the Giraffe: Idiot.

Alex the Lion: I heard that.

Gloria the Hippo: Does anyone else feel nauseous?

Melman the Giraffe: I feel nauseous.

Alex the Lion: Melman, you always feel nauseous.

Julian: Wait! I have a plan.

Maurice: Really?

Julian: I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savage killers.

[Julian kicks Mort out in the open]

Marty the Zebra: Hi there!

Alex the Lion: No, I will handle this. Alex handles it. Marty says nothing.

[approaches the frightened Mort]

Alex the Lion: Hi there!

[Mort starts to cry]

Alex the Lion: Oh, geez!

Melman the Giraffe: Oh, Alex. What did you do?

Alex the Lion: No, it's okay, it's okay. I'm just a silly, just a silly lion.

[Mort cries louder]

Alex the Lion: Oh, jeez!

[on the subway, Alex roars at a guy hiding behind a newspaper]

Alex the Lion: Augh! Knicks lost again!

Melman the Giraffe: Eh. Whatcha gonna do?

Train conductor: [over PA] Grand Central Station.

Alex the Lion: Did he just say "Grand Central Station," or "My aunt's constipation"?

Melman the Giraffe: Guys, we're running out of time!

Gloria the Hippo: Melman, you broke their clock?

Alex the Lion: The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst idea I have ever heard!

Melman the Giraffe: It's unsanitary!

Marty the Zebra: The penguins are going, so why can't I?

Alex the Lion: The penguins are psychotic!

Melman the Giraffe: Nature, it's all over me GET IT OFF!

Melman the Giraffe: San Diego.

Gloria the Hippo: San Diego?

Melman the Giraffe: White, sandy beaches; cleverly simulated natural environment; wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks.

[Taps on a rock]

Melman the Giraffe: Wow, that looks real.

Gloria the Hippo: It's not people, it's animals.

Melman the Giraffe: California animals. Dude.

Marty the Zebra: This is like a Puffy party.

Gloria the Hippo: What kind of zoo is this?

Melman the Giraffe: I just saw twenty-six blatant health code violations.

Marty the Zebra: I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizain.

Melman the Giraffe: Twenty-seven.

Melman the Giraffe: Hey, Alex. Psst, Alex. Alex.

Alex the Lion: What is it, Melman?

Melman the Giraffe: OK, you know how I have to get up every two hours because of my bladder infection? Well, I get up to pee, and I was walking past Marty's pen, and usually I dont look in it, but this time I was walkin' past, and I?

Alex the Lion: What, Melman? What is it?

Melman the Giraffe: It's Marty... He's gone!

Alex the Lion: He's what?

Melman the Giraffe: [looks at hole in ground the penguins have dug] How long has he been working on this?

Melman the Giraffe: [shouts gently down hole] Marty. Marty!

Alex the Lion: Well, I say we just ask these bozos where the people are.

Julian: [from the ground underneath Alex] Excuse me. We bozos have the people of course!

Melman the Giraffe: Hey, the bozos have the people.

Alex the Lion: Oh, well, great. Good. Phew!

Julian: They're up there.

[points up at skeletons dangling from tree, wearing a parachute harness]

Julian: Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though.

Alex the Lion: Oh... wow... so, do you have any *live* people?

Julian: Uhh... no, only dead ones.

Maurice: I mean, if we had a bunch of live people running around, it wouldn't be called the wild, would it?

Marty the Zebra: Okay! You all have your side, and I'll have mine. And, if you need me, I'll be over here! On the FUN side of the island, havin' a good ol' time. A great ol' time! A GREAT ol' time. A yabba-dabba-doo ol' time! WILMA!

Alex the Lion: That's not the fun side. THIS is the fun side! This is the fun side where we're gonna have a great time surviving until we go home! Whoo! I love this side; this side's the best! That side STINKS! You're on the JERSEY side of this cesspool!

Melman the Giraffe: Well, now what do we do?

Alex the Lion: Don't worry Melman, I have a plan to get us rescued.

Alex the Lion: You know, by the time we get back to New York, it'll be the middle of winter. So I was thinking, why rush? Maybe we could make a few sidestops along the way.

Marty the Zebra: How about Paris?

Gloria the Hippo: Ooh, you've read my mind.

Alex the Lion: I was thinking Spain.

Marty the Zebra: Yeah. A little running with the bulls.

Gloria the Hippo: How about Fiji?

Melman the Giraffe: Or Canada? Can't we? Cheap meds. Huh?

[with his head stuck in a clock]

Melman the Giraffe: Guys, we're running out of time!

Melman the Giraffe: [has dug himself a grave and written his last will and testament on the sand] And so, as I have been left to die on this forsaken island, I, Melman Mankiewicz, being of sound mind and unsound body, have divided my possessions equally among the three of you.

[a wave washes away one third of the will]

Melman the Giraffe: Oh, sorry, Alex.

Gloria the Hippo: Lets, go. Make a wish babycakes.

[Marty blows out the candle and eats a chunk out of his birthday cake]

Alex the Lion: Come on, what you wish for?

Marty the Zebra: Nope! Can't tell you that.

Alex the Lion: Come on, tell.

Alex the Lion: No siree. I'm telling you'a, its bad luck. You want some bad luck, I'll blab it out, But if you want to be safe, I'll keep my mouth shut.

Gloria the Hippo: [interrupting] Could you just tell us? I mean, really. What could happen?

Marty the Zebra: Okay. I wish I could go... To the wild!

Alex the Lion: The wild?

[After Marty says this, Alex falls off the wall, Melman chokes himself and Gloria opens her mouth in shock]

Marty the Zebra: I told you it was bad luck.

[Gloria tries to stop Melman from choking]

Alex the Lion: The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst ideal I've ever heard.

[Melman spits out what was choking him]

Melman the Giraffe: It's unsanitary.

Marty the Zebra: The penguins are going. So why can't I?

Alex the Lion: The penguins are psychotic.

Marty the Zebra: Come on, Just imagine going back to nature. Back to your roots, clean air, wide-open spaces!

Gloria the Hippo: Well, I hear they have wide-open spaces in Connecticut.

Marty the Zebra: Connecticut?

Melman the Giraffe: Yeah. What you gotta do is you go over to Grand Central, and then you gotta take the Metro-North Tran... North?

Marty the Zebra: So one could take the train? Just Hypothetically.

Alex the Lion: Marty, come on. What would Connecticut have to offer us?

Melman the Giraffe: Lyme disease.

Alex the Lion: Thank you Melman.

Marty the Zebra: No, no really, really. I just want...

Alex the Lion: There's certainly none of this in the wild

[Waves a steak at Marty]

Marty the Zebra: But... but... but...

Alex the Lion: This is a highly refined type of food thing. That you do not find in the wild.