Megan Quotes in Dog Soldiers (2002)

[Megan is turning into a werewolf due to the full moon]

Megan: It's that time of month.

[Megan is turning into a werewolf]

Megan: [to Cooper] You may think all women are bitches... but I'm the real thing.

[about the werewolves]

Megan: They were always here. I just unlocked the door.

Megan: What happened?

Spoon: What happened? We were attacked by huge fuckin' howlin' things, that's what.

Joe: This is bone. This is so fucking bone.

Cooper: Anything else?

Megan: Yeah. What does 'bone' mean?

Spoon: Bone; Bollocks, naff.

Joe: Not. Very. Good.

Megan: Right. Anything else I should know?

Cooper: Call signs. You need to be specific. Upstairs you've got Sergeant Wells who you seem to know inside and out by now. Over there you've got Spoon, the vomiting cavalier is Terry, and the big guy with the axe is Joe.

Cooper: [Upon learning about the werewolves] I may be nuts but I'm no fruitcake.

Megan: Fine. Stay here and... drink tea!

Megan: Every month, when the moon is full, they hunt as a team. Dedicated to the kill. During that time, at least fifteen people have vanished. Hikers mostly. In small groups or alone. They're caught out in the open, hunted down, torn apart and devoured. I've never witness the actual slaughter, but the next day, no bodies, no werewolves, just blood.

[after discussing how low they are on ammo]

Megan: Tell me. Honestly, what are our chances?

Cooper: Morale seems good, considering. But that will only last as long as the ammunition holds out. Although high spirits are just no substitute for eight hundred rounds a minute, but I don't think that's what you wanted to hear.

Wells: [Wells is drunk while Megan and Cooper proceed to care for his wound]

[about Cooper]

Wells: I tell you what, I love him. I love you! Like the mate that I... that I love.

Megan: Would you like to be alone?

Joe: You're serious about this werewolf thing aren't ya?

Megan: I'm afraid so.

Joe: Shit. Don't suppose you know who won the match?

Megan: I didn't know there was a game on.

Joe: [Sternly] It's not a game.

Cooper: Any questions?

Joe: Just the one, Coop. Exactly what is it we're fighting against?

Cooper: Megan, do you wanna run it past the boys?

Megan: Lycanthrope.

Joe: You what?

Cooper: That's werewolves to you and me.

Joe: You're taking the piss.

Spoon: What? It makes perfect sense to me.

Megan: I came here to be at one with nature, well I got what I wanted. Now I have to live with it.

Megan: Up until today you believed there was a line between myth and reality. Maybe a very fine line sometimes but at least there was a line. Those things out there are REAL. If they're real, what else is real? You know what lives in the shadows now. You may never get another night's sleep as long as you live.

Megan: What's the glue for?

Cooper: Ever wondered why the best thing that superglue sticks together is your fingers? Forget your grandma's china cups - this stuff was developed for the Vietnam war to patch up broken soldiers.

Megan: But they're good people, they're kind people.

Cooper: More's the pity.

Megan: Why?

Cooper: Cause we're gonna have to kill them all.

Spoon: They shut down the generator!

Terry: Why would they do that?

Megan: Because they can see in the dark.

Ryan: And you're afraid of it.

Joe: [as the soldiers prepare for the werewolf attack] This is a pile of rancid shit!

Megan: [to Cooper] Now what do you believe?

Cooper: I'm beginning to believe you, but I think Joe might have worded it better.

Megan: Are you sure he should be chasing painkillers with whisky?

Cooper: Yeah, well, he's earned it.

Cooper: I'm not about to second guess these things. They're the enemy, simple as that.

Megan: This is no ordinary enemy.

Megan: There's only one house within 50 miles of here, and it's mine. And I'm not there!

Megan: I don't think I can do this.

Thomas: Remember the routine you use to do at the club?

[Megan nods]

Thomas: Do that and you'll be great.

Megan: Okay.

[Megan appears sitting on a chair and taps her legs and heels together in the air, followed by a routine of dancing against a stripper pole while saying, "Ohhh! Yeah. Woo!"]

Thomas: I didn't mean that club.

Megan: There's something I need to tell you.

Thomas: You're pregnant! Oh no.

Megan: What? No Thomas, I'm not pregnant.

Thomas: OK, 'cause with your big head and my ears, God only knows.

Megan: No, I'm performing at the senior show case.

Thomas: That's great!

[Leans in to kiss her]

Megan: [Puts her hand over his face and pushes it back] And I was kinda thinking you know, maybe we should just kinda cool it for a while.

Thomas: What do you mean?

Megan: I'm saying I think we need to take a break.

Thomas: Right definitely, yeah we should definitely take a break how long do you need like 30 40 minutes? We should synchronize our watches.

Megan: No, Thomas I need space.

Thomas: Oh, okay. Space.

[starts moving chairs around to give her space around her]

Thomas: Space is good. That's enough space?

Megan: [Standing up] Thomas we're done.

Thomas: Definitely this has been a long rehearsal very tough.

Megan: Thomas I'm leaving you! I don't wanna be your girlfriend anymore! We spend more time defending our relationship than actually having one! Nobody wants to see us together, not my friends, not yours. I'm saying it's over.

Thomas: Fine. Fine leave! Get out!

Megan: I'm sorry!

Frank: Excuse me, miss. I'll take a rum coke please. Rude me, make that two.

Megan: [Truman shows the handcuffs so Megan would know Frank is a prisoner] Right, how about a coke?

Frank: If a little bit bacardi would find its way in there. It would be our little secret, huh.

Megan: Anything for you mister...

Truman: Burrows, Truman. But no thank you.

Frank: And I'm Frank. Frank Lee Strathmore. It's a name with a rich tradition, my family...

Truman: She doesn't need to hear your family history, Frank.

Frank: [to Megan] Look, I don't expect to be tied up long. Just a couple of parking ticket kinda things, really. I mean, how about if you and I meet at the Eiffel Tower around midnight?

Truman: [to Megan] I'm sorry to disappoint you but Frank here, he's gonna be a little busy.

Megan: That's okay. Truman, if you guys need anything let me know.

Truman: Thank you.

Megan: Okay.

Frank: [Megan leaves] Truman? Truman? That pretty well does it for me. Look if you play your cards right, she could be cuffing you later.

Truman: You're gonna shut up and drink your coke.

Megan: Are you guys okay?

Frank: I'm fine. But do you think we could move up to business class, I mean the plane's really empty and...

Truman: He's kidding, we're fine.

Megan: Okay.

Frank: [Megan leaves] Hey, I'm trying to help you out here. She wants you. Make your move. Go boy, go.

Frank: [after saving Megan] You alright? no bites?

Megan: But we thought... we thought...

Frank: What? That it was me gnawing on the passengers? Nah, I'm a vegetarian.

Truman: Alright, we need to find everything that can be used as a weapon.

Megan: Does anyone have anything sharp?

Frank: Oh, they confiscated my toenail clipper. Pearl handled. It was quite lovely.

Truman: Damn Frank, you should've brought those. Could've saved the day.

Frank: You never know.

Aron Ralston: [upon first meeting] I can take you that way if you like...

Kristi, Megan: [apprehensive silence]

Aron Ralston: Oh, sorry. The, uh - Friday the 13th there.

[removes scarf from his face]

Kristi, Megan: [nervous laughs]

Aron Ralston: [takes off glasses too] I'm only a psychopath on weekdays. And today's Saturday, so...

Kristi, Megan: [awkward silence]

Aron Ralston: Can't take this off. My face...

Kyle: [after Megan runs out of the clubhouse because Luke tried to sexually intimidate her] Megan!

Megan: Get away from me!

Kyle: Megan, stop please!

Megan: Go back to your pig friends Kyle!

Kyle: Look, I'm so sorry, I don't know how...

Megan: You just stood there! You didn't do anything! I should call the cops for that!

Kyle: No, no, no! You can't call the cops! I know we deserve it!

Megan: You know what? Hell, my friends were right about you. You're a big loser like your whole family!

Kyle: [Kyle gasps] Megan! I don't know what that was! I...

Megan: Fuck off, Kyle!

Kyle: [shouting to Eric, Brad and Luke] You guys happy now?

Luke Cooper: What are you doing?

Megan: What?

Luke Cooper: Go ahead.

Megan: Oh you mean ta- yeah. Yeah, right.

Luke Cooper: We've outlined the rules. Very specifically. Women have to take off their tops. Right boys?

Megan: That's uh, pretty funny.

Eric: Go ahead.

Brad: Why?

Luke Cooper: Brad.

Megan: Okay, Hold on, are you some kind of pervert or something?

Kyle: Okay, Lets say we talk about something else, hey guys?

Kyle: So what do you think?

Megan: What do I *think*? Um, do you really wanna know?

[Brad laughs]

Kyle: Just being a smart ass.

Luke Cooper: Just being a smart ass. Yeah, well everybody's a smart ass every now and then. We won't hold it against ya Megan. Hey, guys, I mean to not cause any trouble but, since when do we let women in here?

Eric: [Eric laughs] Good point!

Megan: I don't know, those girls on the wall there, they seem welcome enough.

Luke Cooper: They're different. Look what they're wearing.

Eric: Yep! No women. Unless those women are wearing no tops.

Megan: Eric, That's *so* mature.

Eric: Actually, Megan that's the rules. Right, guys?

Luke Cooper: Those are the rules.

Megan: Well, If those are the rules, guess I better follow the rules eh?

Eric: Now we're talking! Take it off!

Megan: [Megan teases them by lifting her shirt then quickly putting it back down] Woah!

Brad: I actually thought she was gonna do that.

Megan: Yeah, you know what? That's because you're drunk. and whoa, whoa, so am I... just shouldn't have gotten up like that.

Megan: No, you know what Kyle? I think I'd better go, okay? I'm just gonna go.

Kyle: Luke, c'mon she's my friend!

Luke Cooper: [to Megan] Sit down. Look at me, Megan. Look at me. Do you see how I'm not laughing?

Megan: Okay, um, what- what the hell's going on here?

Luke Cooper: Well, what's going on is we're gonna have a little show and you're the entertainment. Take off you're uh, top. Follow the rules.

Megan: Okay, um, are you guys just gonna sit there?

Luke Cooper: Yeah, they're just gonna sit there. They're waiting. Megan!

Kyle: C'mon, man!

Luke Cooper: You're gonna learn to like this.

[Megan slowly unbuttons her top]

Luke Cooper: Have you seen this before, Kyle? Huh? Now's you're chance. C'mon! Take it off! Take off that last button!

Kyle: C'mon, man!

Luke Cooper: That's a good girl, Megan. Isn't she a good girl, boys?

[Luke laughs and Megan runs out of the clubhouse]

Kyle: What the hell are you, man? Big secret fucking hiding place here!

[Kyle throws the news article about Luke]

Kyle: It's a fucking nightmare!

[Kyle goes out of the clubhouse to chase after Megan]

Eric: I brought the bullets.

Luke Cooper: You're a good man, Eric!

[he takes a sip of whisky and he chuckles]

Luke Cooper: Now here's to the wind at my back, It's gonna by hairy but, I'm sick of this hiding shit.

[Megan is outside knocks at the door to the clubhouse]

Megan: Kyle? Hello? Kyle?

Eric: Aw, Kyle!

Kyle: Megan!

Luke Cooper: [to Kyle] Get the fuck up.

Kyle: Hang on, I'll come out.

[he gets up but Luke grabs Kyle's arm]

Luke Cooper: Hold on, let her in. She's already here right?

Jan: How come every time you stay in an old, spooky house it has to lightning and thunder?

Megan: Well, I think it's standard issue.

Mr. Hinchlow: I brought along my portable TV set, in case you'd like to use it.

Terry: That's nice, but... why?

Mr. Hinchlow: Hell, it's Saturday morning.

[chuckle]

Mr. Hinchlow: Don't tell me you kids don't enjoy a good cartoon!

Megan: [screams]

Megan: I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.

Megan: This is some classy sh-...

[burp]

Megan: I want to apologize. I'm not even confident on which end that came out of.

Megan: I'm life, Annie, and I'm biting you in the ass!

[bites Annie's ass]

Annie: Are you fucking kidding me?

Annie's Mom: Annie?

Annie: No, mom. Mother fucking Paris? I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!

Lillian: Annie, calm down...

Annie: No, Lillian! What are you gonna go, you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna, you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?

Becca: [quickly] I'm not.

Megan: I was.

Annie: Okay! Yes, we're all thinking it, right?

Annie's Mom: Annie...

Annie: Lillian, this is not the you that I know! The you that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and would have thought that this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that *fucking* cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was gonna finish that cookie? Really, and you know that reminds me actually; I never got a chance to try that *fucking* cookie!

[storms off]

Megan: It's coming out of me like lava!

Megan: I think I overcommitted with 9

[puppies]

Megan: , 6 is a comfortable number.

Helen: [the women are discussing bridal shower ideas] We should throw some ideas around. See if anyone else has a theme they have in mind, or something they'd been thinking of.

Becca: What about a Pixar themed shower? And we all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character?

Megan: That, and I'll just snowball on top of that, also Fight Club. Female fight club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn't know, so it's, "Surprise! We're going to fight!" We beat the shit out of her. She's not going to forget that.

Megan: I fell off a cruise ship, but I'm back

Annie: Oh, shit.

Megan: Yeah, "oh shit." Took a hard, hard, violent fall. Kind of pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. I'm not going to say I survived, I'm going to say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul, into my goddamn soul, Annie. And he said, "I'm saving you Megan." Not with his mouth, but he said it, I'm assuming, telepathically.

[At Billy's house, a foreclosure notice is seen on the window; Megan, Billy's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, is about to leave him for good]

Billy McMahon: Come on, Megan, listen to me. Honey, let's talk about this. Is this because I'm too unselfish in bed? Because I can change it around. I'm not gonna say it's going to be easy, but I can do it. Megan, listen to me. Honey, it's always darkest before the dawn.

Megan: No, Billy, it's not. It's actually darkest in the middle of the night.

Billy McMahon: We have enough on the table here without arguing about proverbs.

Megan: Look, I knew things weren't great, but to come home to a foreclosure sign?

Billy McMahon: Can we hug it for a second?

Megan: No!

Billy McMahon: Can I touch it?

Megan: No, please.

Billy McMahon: Okay, listen. That could've been avoided if the Bob Williams deal didn't go so bad on me.

Megan: You blew the Bob Williams deal?

Billy McMahon: Well, it's not so much that I blew the deal as much as the company just decided to shut down and take our jobs away. Come on, listen to me, sweetheart. I promise you, I can pay for all of this.

Megan: It's not about the money, Billy. This is about you, okay? You-you talk a big game, but you never do anything about it. It's like you say that we're going to Spain, but have I ever been to Barcelona?

Billy McMahon: Barthelona.

Megan: Ugh!

Billy McMahon: And not yet, but we're going. Vaya co dios, mi amor.

Megan: What?

Billy McMahon: Porque esta bravo en Barthelona y fantastico!

Megan: No, we are not going to Barthelona, okay? We have discussed going to Barthelona, but we are never going to go to Barthelona.

Billy McMahon: Not with an attitude like that, we're not.

Megan: Oh, God!

Billy McMahon: Wait, do you even hear yourself?

Megan: Yes.

Billy McMahon: I'm glad that you got to say some of that, because we're in a relationship, and I'm just glad that we're both committed to it.

Megan: No, do you know how badly I want to believe that, Billy? Because I've been with you for a long time and nothing ever seems to get better. Honey, you're... you're such a great guy, but you always figure out a way to screw things up and let people down. And Billy, I love you, but I'm really tired of being let down.

[Megan storms out of the house and out of Billy's life for good]

Dusty Mayron: So the King raised his mighty sword and rained steel down upon the Step King.

Brad Whitaker: But the Step King blocked it with his shield. And swung his cat o'nine tails into the King's smug face.

Dusty Mayron: Which the King easily brushed aside like the feather of a gull. And then the King did counter with a barrage of slashes and thrusts so fast and precise the Step King had no way to party.

Megan, Dylan: Yay!

Dusty Mayron: But he did. He did. He parried all of them. Easily. It was no big deal.

Megan, Dylan: Aww.

Brad Whitaker: Then he grabbed the King's sword right out of his hand and smashed it over his knee.

Megan, Dylan: Boo!

Dusty Mayron: That's when the King pulled out a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!

Brad Whitaker: Which is completely anachronistic. So if we're gonna be doing any time period, then the Step King just happened to be wearing Kevlar body armor.

Dusty Mayron: Concussion grenade!

Brad Whitaker: Hand grenade.

Dusty Mayron: Rocket launcher.

Brad Whitaker: Missile launcher.

Dusty Mayron: Air strike.

Brad Whitaker: Nuclear strike.

Dusty Mayron: Black hole.

Brad Whitaker: God.

Brad Whitaker: The step-king has had enough of the king's BULLSHIT!

Megan: He said a bad word!

Megan: You are an asshole in so many languages...

Megan: I think you severely overestimated your ability to break hearts.

Megan: This is what I deserve, it's penance.

Alec: Wow, that is officially the worst review my oatmeal has ever received.

Megan: It's what I get for slutting it up.

Alec: Um, so you really think God made this blizzard punish to you for being slutty?

Megan: No, I don't think God did it. That's ridiculous. I think my grandmother did, and I just don't know how.

Alec: Right, that makes sense. Well, I would prefer not to spend the next 24 hours in an uncomfortable silence with you, so why don't we just pretend that we never had sex? It didn't happen. And then we can pretend that it's just the weather and not your passive-aggressive magical grandmother.

Megan: No, that's like trying to get the toothpaste back into the tube - you can't do it. It is out there. I have seen your penis. You've implied I'm a slut. Those are big things.

Alec: Did you just call my penis big?

Megan: Uh, no, no, I did not. I called the implication of your penis big.

Alec: Well, it's still nice to hear.

Megan: I bet you 150 bucks you're going to die alone.

Alec: Well, my future smoking hot widow will gladly accept your money.

Megan: [looking into Alec's empty refrigerator] We're gonna starve.

Alec: Not if you like mustard.

Megan: [Alec put's on the song "Anything, Anything" by Dramarama on his record player] You should turn this off.

Alec: You don't like this song?

Megan: Oh no, I love this song. It's gonna wanna make me wanna dance.

Alec: Yes you should.

Megan: No.

Alec: Yes.

Megan: Trust me.

Alec: Oh, are you like a bad dancer?

Megan: Oh, no. No, no, no. I am an epic dancer, but you see... see if you see me dance, you'll follow me around like a little puppy dog and it'll be embarrassing for us both. So you have to stay here. For your own safety, trust me on that one.

Megan: This is a serious pattern, I am regressing. Last year I was in college and I was Chris's fiancee and I drank whine in restaurants. And now I am at home all day in my underwear, and I'm nobody's nothing and I can't even get into a bar. What is happening to me? I am going backwards! I am Benjamin Button-ing!

Faiza: He moved on, so what, so can you. I say take a cab home, get on that dating site, pick a cute guy. No drinks, no dinner, just a hook-up.

Megan: You can't order it. It's not Edible Arrangements!

Faiza: Uh, yeah, you can. You have tits and the internet.

Faiza: Cedric's friend is having this birthday thing at this bar.

Megan: So then your not cooking dinner?

Megan: No...

[Faiza presses her two fingers against Megan's forehead]

Megan: Yeah.

Faiza: Do you wanna come?

Megan: Well that kind of depends on the cake situation.

Faiza: Well, the birthday boy is single. And he's not the brightest but he's pretty, so he's perfect for a one-night stand.

Megan: I don't know. Do you think I'm ready?

Faiza: Who cares? I'm ready for you to be ready. I mean seriously, how long has it been? Aren't you horny?

Megan: [Megan is trying to walk carefully around the overflowing toilet] It's cold and gross.

[Megan lifts up the toilet seat to see the water is overflowing so she tries to turn the valve]

Megan: It just keeps coming.

Alec: Hey, you gotta turn the knob!

Megan: No, I mean the punishments from the universe. It's a flood, it's practically biblical. Where the fuck is your plunger?

Alec: It should be right next to the, um... aw, shit, I let my buddy borrow my plunger, dammit! That's why you never let your friends borrow plungers.

Megan: There's like a thousand reasons.

Megan: You can't keep putting aside what you want for some imaginary future. You've gotta suck it up and go with you gut.

Bethany: What does she expect?

Megan: That you serve some lemonade, and you ask her five to ten questions about her life.

Bethany: [pause] Treat somebody badly enough you just assume they'll be happy to let you go.

Megan: Do I have something on my face?

Annika: Yeah. My dad's saliva.

Megan: Oh, shit.

[last lines]

Megan: So, did you her the one about the grown woman who fell in love with the really pissed off lawyer?

Craig: Is it funny?

Megan: It's really funny.

Craig: Come here.

Megan: [steps in side] Close the door.

Craig: [talking shop] During mediation my client agreed to give back two of her handguns to her husband, and now shes decided they were anniversary gifts to her.

Megan: Wow, that's romantic. Are you gonna win?

Craig: I hope so, because it would kill me to see a mother separated from her guns.

Annika: [approaching her in parking lot] You look like you party.

Megan: I... guess I'm technically coming from one.

Annika: Cool. So... we can hardly believe this, but we all forgot our IDs. And I mean, normally we would just go buy some beer ourselves. But I guess we look under 21. Which is crazy, right? I know. Um, so, if we gave you some money or something, would you help us straighten this whole problem out and buy us a six-pack or something?

Megan: Oh, God.

Annika: Um, you could totally keep the change.

Megan: [stunned] Okay. Someone did this for me when I was your age, so I'm gonna do it for you. It's like a rite of passage, right?

Annika: Yeah. Yeah, ya know, I had a good feeling about you.

Megan: That makes one of us.

Megan: It's not gonna make any sense, so just fucking sue me. I'm sorry, that wasn't meant to be a lawyer joke.

Craig: It's not a joke if it's not insulting.

Megan: Don't make me cry. My mascara is already fucked up enough as it is.

Megan: Okay, I'm gonna tell you two things that I've gotten some perspective on after being out of high school for a while now. The first is that a lot of the math they're teaching you that they swear you'll use in your life, you won't. You're never going to need to use parabolas and you really, really don't need to know shapes that have more than eight fucking sides.

[referring to Kate]

Megan: You stay away from her, man-whore!

[last lines]

Madame Leota: Angels in Heaven, together at last. The tale is well ended for those who have passed. Love endures all, no reason, no rhyme. It lasts forever and forever all the time.

Megan: Mom, Leota won't shut up.

Michael: Are we there yet?

Megan: I'm getting pretty hungry.

Michael: Can we stop for some pizza?

Jim: Hey, how long before we get there, Sara?

Sara Evers: Twenty minutes, tops.

Jim: Nothing takes twenty minutes.

Jim: Well, great, I'm in, let's get this key!

Megan: There's only one problem: how do we get out of here?

Jim: Yeah, how do we get out of here?

Ezra: Well, there's always, uh... my way.

[cut to ghostly horse-drawn carriage crashing through the wall of the Mansion]

Megan: [about the inside of Gracey Manor] Smells like Grandma's house.

Michael: Worse, it smells like Grandma.

[Jim, ignoring the ghosts, just wants to get out of the house]

Megan: But Dad, we have to help them!

Jim: You can't help the dead, honey. They're beyond help. That's the nature of being dead.

Megan: They're ghosts, Dad.

Jim: They're not ghosts. We're just having hallucinations from that dinner that we ate. It was that chicken, it didn't taste right.

[insulted, Emma turns into mist and re-appears right in front of Jim]

Emma: Hey!

Jim: Whoa!

Megan: [whacks spider] There. Ya happy?

Jim: No, I'm not happy! I'm trying to show Michael how important it is to whack your own spiders!

Megan: [walking away] Whatever.

Megan: [to Graham] 1,2,3,4, I won't take no anymore. 5,6,7,8 - I want you to be my mate. 1,2,3,4 - you're the one that I adore. 5,6,7,8 - don't run from me cause this is fate.

Graham: [after Megan sees Graham and Sinead dancing] Megan, it's not what you think.

Megan: That's why we came here, right? So *you* could be yourself.

Graham: I don't like Sinead that way.

Megan: Which way is that, clothed?

Graham: We weren't doing anything.

Megan: Oh, when you were going like this, you weren't doing anything.

Graham: No we, I wasn't, I wasn't doing that!

Megan: It doesn't matter.

Graham: Why are you freaking out?

Megan: It's none of my bussiness. Do what you want.

Graham: You want me to do what I want?

Megan: I could care less.

Graham: What I *really* want?

Megan: Screw you!-

[Graham kisses Megan]

Megan: [after Graham kisses Megan for the first time] I'm not supposed to like you.

Graham: But?

Megan: I wanna do that again.

[Megan kisses Graham]

Megan: Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good.

Graham: Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good.

Megan: Your parents didn't stay very long.

Graham: Well, I imagine it gets uncomfortable sitting that long with a stick up your ass.

Hilary: This is where we sleep, but there's no inappropriate behavior allowed.

Megan: Inappropriate? Like swearing?

Graham: No, inappropriate like fucking.

Megan: I'm a homosexual!

[shouting]

Megan: I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! Oh my god... they were right. I'm a homo.

Mary: Congratulations, Megan. You have just taken your first step in your true direction!

[group therapy applauds then embraces her]

Megan: I'm a homosex...

[cries]

Mary: Okay. Go on now. Don't worry, Megan. It's gonna be okay.

Megan: [drooling] No.

Mary: Here, put these on.

Megan: [sobbing] Oh my god... they were right. I'm a homo. Oh, my god!

Graham: You are who you are. The only trick is not getting caught!

Megan: How'd YOU end up here?

Graham: I got caught.

Mary: Ok, then, who's left to report out their root? Andre?

Andre: Shit, Ms. Mary, I ain't the only one who ain't got no root.

Mary: Andre, we don't use profanity or double negatives here at True Directions. Ok, who's next? Megan!

Megan: Well, I've really been thinking but I just can't think of anything.

Graham: I think our little Prom Queen is too afraid to disclose.

Megan: Oh, really? What's your root, Graham?

Graham: We're working on your issue here, not mine. You're deflecting.

Mary: Actually, I think it might be a great idea for Megan to be reminded of your root, Graham.

Graham: My mother got married in pants.

[group applauds]

Mary: All right, let's see, uh, Dolph!

Dolph: Too many locker room showers with the varsity team.

Mary: Hilary?

Hilary: Um, all girl boarding school.

Mary: Sinead.

Sinead: I was born in France.

Mary: Clayton.

Clayton Dunn: My mom let me play in her pumps.

Jan: I like balls.

Mary: Why, thank you for that Jan.

[group applauds]

Mary: Joel?

Joel: Traumatic... bris. So... yeah.

Megan: I'm stuck on "5, 6, 7, 8, God is good..."

Graham: "God is straight!"

Megan: Hey, that's good.

Megan: You didn't tell me you were taking me to a gay bar!

Graham: Well, where else would we go?

Megan: So it sounds stupid to you but I really love it. Cheerleading's the one thing that's kept me happy. It's exhilarating.

Graham: I would love to see you cheer.

Megan: Don't make fun of me!

Graham: No, I'm not. I'm not. Don't you think maybe I'm just jealous that you love something?

Dolph: I'm doing this for you, not for Clayton!

Megan: Yeah, right.

Lloyd: We're just trying to provide you all with a balanced perspective, to see that there are options. In the end, it's up to you whether you choose to live a...

Larry: Lie.

Lloyd: Whether you want to be who you are or keep it hidden is really more what we're about.

Megan: So you run like, the underground homo railroad.

Nicole: You know, one these days I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.

Megan: Fine. Go live with you father.

Nicole: Oh, you're such a bitch.

[last lines]

Megan: He did it!

Robe: All right, Max!

Max: [narrating] Yep, I did it. The animal shelter was safe; the bullies were cooked, and Jindraike got fired for fiddling with the budget. As for me and my friends, well, we were just happy the first week of school was over, now we could chill for the rest of the year.

[Max is riding his bike]

Evil Ice Cream Man: [to Max] I'll get you, Paper Boy!

Max: [narrating] Oh, man!

[Troy and Dobbs are surrounded by nerds]

Troy McGinty: [sarcastically] I'm so scared.

Megan: You should be. We're taking back our school.

Robe: Yeah. No more being pushed around. No more being stepped on. No more Mr. Not-Nice-Guy.

Slav #1: Your reign of terror over the student body has come to an abrupt halt!

[kids are surprised, until "slav" resumes fake accent]

Slav #1: Yes, please.

Dobbs: Keeble! Caught your act at the assembly. Looks like you can use some help with managing your portfolio.

[he takes Max's money]

Max: Hey, that's my lunch money!

Dobbs: And you have it all in cash. Kid, let me hold this for a while and I'll set you up with a nice mutual fund.

Mrs. Talia: What's going on here?

Megan: He's taking Max's lunch money!

Mrs. Talia: Is this true, Mr. Dobbs?

Dobbs: No. I'm just spreading some investment wisdom. Speaking of which, how did Biomorph Systems work out for you?

Mrs. Talia: Best money I ever spent. By the way, what do you think of Handspring?

Dobbs: Handspring? It's moving today. I'd say buy.

Megan: SPOILERS: I'm pregnant.

Tom: [Smiles] Congratulations

Megan: I thought you should know.

Tom: You thought I should know?

Megan: [Nods] There's a chance it could be yours.

Tom: Then get an abortion.

[pause]

Tom: Or, if it's Scott's do whatever you want. But, if it's not, then get rid of it.

[Walks away]

Megan: [Catches up to him] You can be as involved as you want.

Tom: You're a shitty nanny. What makes you think you're gonna be a good mother?

Megan: Why did you bring me there in the first place?

Tom: Because I thought it would be fun to have you both around.

[Walks up to Megan and tries to grab her hand. She pulls away and he looks at her in shock]

Megan: I played your game so you could fuck me in between Evie's playdates.

Tom: I don't need another kid. Certainly not with you.

Megan: [Runs up to him] I took care of your kid to be near you!

[Shoves Tom in the back]

Megan: You fucked Anna 'cause you couldn't fuck Rachel anymore, and you fucked me 'cause you couldn't fuck Anna. Take us all away and you're just a pathetic, impotent man.

Tom: [Tom pushes Megan. She trips over a fallen log and falls backwards, knocking the back of her head into a large boulder]

Megan: [Groans several times in pain]

Tom: [Looks around to see if anyone saw what just happened]

Megan: [Looks defiantly at Tom] You're not gonna get rid of me. You're gonna pay for this child for the rest of your life.

Tom: [Kicks her in the head twice, mutters to himself, then looks around again. He picks up Megan by her legs and drags her and then positions her in the mud underneath a tilted pile of brush, logs and leaves]

Megan: [Regains consciousness with a horribly bloody face and begins screaming]

Tom: [Picks up a sizable rock and slams it into Megan's head repeatedly. Her screams end]

Megan: A teacher once told me I was a mistress of self-reinvention. I wasn't really sure what it meant at the time. But since moving here, I've come to understand it. Ardsley-on-Hudson is boring and routine. It's a fucking baby factory. I wanna start my life over again. So far, I've been a rebellious teenager, lover, waitress, gallery director, nanny, and a whore. Ands not necessarily in that order. I can't just be a wife anymore. That's why I stay awake at night, staring at the ceiling. In fact, the only time I feel like myself is when I'm running.

Dr. Kamal Abdic: You always felt that way?

Megan: Maybe since I was about 17. With Mac.

Dr. Kamal Abdic: Hmm. Mac? Who's Mac?

Megan: My brothers best friend. My brother who died.

Megan: I'm pretty sure Scott thinks the nanny job is gonna make me less restless. Make me wanna get pregnant.

Dr. Kamal Abdic: And that's not the case?

Megan: When I finish work every night, I run home and I get in the shower, and I wash the smell of that baby off of me as fast as I can.

Sonny Jim: I vote we get a 45 automatic and blow the head gook back to Singapore.

Hando: Saigon, stupid.

Sonny Jim: I fired a 45 at a range once. It was fine.

Bubs: You never fired a 45, don't shit me Sonny.

Sonny Jim: What would you know, baby bubs? An anti-static gun is big news for you.

Hando: We can get any sort of gun we want from Billy the Reverend. All we need is the cash, and we needed up front.

Megan: If you lot are going to shoot people...

Tracy: ...we're going.

Hando: Then go. We don't want any fuckin' passengers from here on in. So fuck off.

Tracy: Sonny do you want to come with us?

Sonny Jim: No. I want to kill gooks, gooks, gooks.

Tracy: We could go fruit pickin'.

Sonny Jim: I hate the fuckin' country, don't I.

Megan: All right then... you'll all end up fucked!

Hando: You'll end up fucked if you don't piss off.

[Hando jumps up, and Megan and Tracy run off]

Megan: I see you're drinking San Miguel. Is that because you're a proud Filipino? Or because, your taste is in your ass?

Megan: Did she freak out?

Kristin: Did she freak out? No. She just bought us a couple of chocolate croissants and some lattes from Starbucks, and told us she hoped we'd have beautiful two-headed babies. Then she went to the hairdresser... of course she freaked out!

Megan: Well I wouldn't blame her, I would have freaked out too.

Kristin: You told me to do this and that he was hot!

Megan: I was kidding! Not about the hot part, but still.

Megan: [Screaming] He's your brother? But how?

Kristin: My mother had sex with two men.

Megan: Kinky!

Kristin: Not at the same time.

Megan: Kristin called about two hours ago. I picked up but she never answered. I thought she just might have accidentally called me, but that's when... that when I heard screaming. She may have still had me on speed dial. We agreed to that just in case something ever happens, but... I just never thought that day would come when we'd actually have to use it. It was awful, I heard everything over the phone. I mean, how would feel if your best friend was suffering and you can't do anything about it? I can't even imagine what she had to go through.

[Megan breaks down. Cynthia hugs her]

Megan: Kristin, I love you, but I have to be honest. You have to really listen this is serious, ok? Kristin... you really do have the worst taste in men!

Megan: What are we ever gonna do with you, baby girl?

Ree: Kill me I guess.

Megan: That idea's been said already. Got any others?

Ree: Help me. Nobody's said that idea yet, have they?

Aidan Hall: Megan! Meg- wow, you look great.

Megan: Do. Not. Speak.

[She keeps working]

Aidan Hall: Ok. Two beers.

[to Tyler]

Aidan Hall: Is she mad at me or something?

Tyler: She's not mad. That's how people act when they're really into you.

Tommy: The only way to kill Jason is to send him back to his original resting place where he drowned in 1957.

Megan: Lake Forest Green.

Tommy: Crystal Lake.

Megan: Maybe he was telling the truth. Just because our parents keep telling us that Jason was only a legend doesn't mean it wasn't true. What if he did come back here, looking for the camp counselor that caused him to drown as a boy, searching for the one that decapitated his vengeful mother? And you do know what today's date is, don't you? And I can think of only one thing even more terrifying.

Cort: What?

[Megan points at the school bus of kids]

Cort: Yay, the kids are here.

Bus Monitor: Here they are, and they're all yours.

Sissy: Think I'd rather deal with old Jason.

Deputy Rick: Megan, don't clown around.

Megan: I'm not the one with the funny red nose. Now, open the cell and let him out.

Deputy Rick: Meggie.

Megan: I'm not kidding.

Tommy: You better do as she says, because wherever the red dot goes, you bang.

Megan: [to Tommy while he's laying in her lap] If I reach Cunningham Road, I can lose them. Stay down!

Tommy: Whatever you say.

Paula: You guys, I'm getting worried.

Cort: About Jason?

Paula: No, about Darren and Lizbeth. They should've at least called, don't you think? Megan?

Megan: What?

Paula: Hello?

Megan: Yeah.

Sissy: This girl's back in the jail cell with her prisoner of love. Don't be messing with no crazy jailbird, girl. Those dudes are bad news.

Megan: And how do you know?

Sissy: I've been around long enough to see plenty on TV.

Megan: TV?

[after hearing a noise in the shop]

Sarah Palmer: Did you lock the front?

[pause]

Megan: Yes...

Megan: Wait! I'm kinda pussy sometimes.

Sarah Palmer: [anxiously] Welcome to the club.

Sonny: [Observing a bloated body] What a waste of a good man.

Lacy Doyle: Yes, such a pity. And he was never gonna be able stop anything.

Megan: [sighs] Anyone care for a fresh pot of tea?

Lacy Doyle: Lovely darling.

Megan: [reading Heidi's palm] You must make peace with your subconscious desires.

Heidi Hawthorne: Really? What desires?

Megan: The wicked thoughts burning inside your head and exploding in the juices between your legs. The darkness within your very soul. The only reason you exist.

Heidi Hawthorne: Uh, I think I'll make peace with those desires later. I really should be getting upstairs now.

Sonny, Megan, Lacy Doyle: [Sonny, Lacy, and Megan shout in unison] We honor you through our actions and our thoughts. Each day that we live upon this Earth, may we grow stronger in wisdom and in our love for you. You are our father, our teacher, our muse, our lover. We have taken your mark.

Megan: Any children?

Francis Matthias: No, we never got around to children.

Megan: Well, that's understandable. Children are a bit of a waste. Most are a total loss. So few have anything of substance to really offer us. But on the rare occasion, a special child appears.

Lacy Doyle: Oh, Father, you give us the venom. Fill us with your essence.

Megan: Let it burn through our souls and our minds.

Sonny: We trample on the cross.

Megan: We spit upon the book of lies. We desecrate the Virgin Whore.

Lacy Doyle: We blaspheme His holy spirit, and we rejoice in His suffering.

Megan: Guide this child still in the shackles of the oppressor. Help her break free from His tyrant ways.

Sonny: Entice her to take the precious bite from whence she shall be delivered.

Lacy Doyle, Megan, Sonny: You are the dragon, Lord Satan!

Lacy Doyle: Lord, hear us. We are ready to bring your precious child to this world.

Sonny, Megan, Lacy Doyle: [shouting in unison] In memory of Satan, you preach punishment and shame to those who would emancipate themselves and repudiate the slavery of the church. Satan, come to us. We are ready! Satan, come to us. We are ready! Satan, come to us. We are ready!

[Jessica is performing mouth-to-mouth CPR on an unresponsive Megan]

Chugs: That is so hot.

Ellie: Chugs!

[Megan suddenly grabs Jessica by the back of her neck and presses her closer, then Jessica pulls away]

Megan: What, no tougne?

Jessica: Easy there, Lezzie Lohan. This is make believe, remember?

Kit: I've got an opening for a new girlfriend. What do you say?

Megan: Fuck you!

Kit: Oh, attitude. I like that in a girl.

[last lines]

Megan: Just no more black magic

[last lines]

Nick: Got it!

Karen: I think the only evil spirits are in the liquor cabinet.

Megan: And not for long...

Matt: If we get through this, I'm taking you out to a nice dinner.

Megan: And "nice dinner".

Matt: In the Bahamas.

[last lines]

Megan: What are you thinking about?

Matt: The Bahamas.

Megan: Me too.

Megan: Ya know the walls, the old bricks, they're filled with his neatly folded screams.