McGrath Quotes in Wild Wild West (1999)

[Gordon zaps McGrath with his hypno-belt]

McGrath: What's this?

Artemus Gordon: Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?

McGrath: Yes, I'm sleepy.

Artemus Gordon: Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand?

McGrath: Woof!

Artemus Gordon: Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak!

McGrath: [panting] Woof! Woof!

Artemus Gordon: You can speak words, you stupid mutt.

McGrath: [shouting] You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You've betrayed us!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: My dear General, having donated half of my physical being to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?

McGrath: And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart.

McGrath: [Draco, Moxie, and Maestro have crash-landed their vehicle in the ocean and are fished out of the water by McGrath and Cuddles on a boat] So, Draco, ya thought you could cheat McGrath, eh? Well, you, the piano player, and that bungling bear trapper are all goin' on a *little* boat ride. Cuddles here likes shark-fishing, and he ain't got any bait!

[points to Draco, who moans miserably]

[after meeting the Hansons]

Reggie Dunlop: Oh you cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards!

McGrath: I got a good deal on those boys. The scouts said they showed a lot of promise.

Reggie Dunlop: They brought their fuckin' TOYS with 'em!

McGrath: Well, I'd rather have em playin with their toys than playin with themselves

Reggie Dunlop: They're too dumb to play with themselves. Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the market and you gotta buy it!

McGrath: Reg, Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator, you know, couldn't control himself. Why, he would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn't... you know...

[at the Chiefs Fashion Show]

Johnny Upton: I'm gonna flash' em, Joe!

McGrath: No, you're not.

Johnny Upton: I'm gonna walk down that stinkin' runway, open up this faggot robe and wiggle my dick at 'em! And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this shit again! You and your fucking fashion shows!

Jeff Hanson: Eddie Shore?

McGrath: Piss on Eddie Shore.

Steve Hanson: Old-time hockey?

McGrath: Piss on old-time hockey!

McGrath: Every scout in the NHL is out there tonight, with contracts in their pockets, and they're looking for talent. For winners. OOOOOOOOOH. All my years of publicity. All the fashion shows and radiothons for nothing... They come here tonight... to scout the Chiefs... the toughest team in the Federal League! Not this! Buncha... pussies."

Reggie Dunlop: And remember I went up to your room afterwards and you were dressed in chick's clothes? Yeah, you had on this black bra with tassels! You were dancing in front of a mirror with this kinda zebra skin jockstrap.

McGrath: Bitch!

Reggie Dunlop: Remember how I screamed at you when you started coming on to me? And I just said 'Jesus stop it Joe, I'm ashamed of you!'

McGrath: Goddamn you.

Reggie Dunlop: I wanted to tell you I forgot the whole thing. Years have passed, now I'm sexually liberated. I don't care who's a fag no more. I mean who cares? It's natural, it's all around us.

Reggie Dunlop: Who's the owner Joe?

Jim Ahern: [dressed up for a fashion show] I look like some cock-sucking faggot in this thing...

McGrath: Have you seen Reg or Braden?

Jim Ahern: Joe, I don't care man. Enough is enough. Nowhere in my contract does it say I gotta make a fool out of myself, am I right? Hey?

McGrath: Good crowd out there tonight, boys, let's really try to win this one.

Ned Braden: You have to hand it to the old bastard, he's highly original.

Jim Ahern: That man traveled 15 hours by bus to say that?

[Reggie is trying to get his pre-game nap]

McGrath: Are you nuts? A bounty? We could all end up in the clinker for this. You can't put a bounty on a man's head.

Reggie Dunlop: Bullshit. I just did.

[Hangs up, Phone rings again]

Dave 'Killer' Carlson: Coach, I want that hundred dollars.

Reggie Dunlop: Ya gotta earn it, Killer.

Dave 'Killer' Carlson: My attitude's right.