Maxine Quotes in Ghost World (2001)

Maxine: It's really quite something to see you all grown-up like this, Enid. I'd love to know what you're doing now. I can't help but feel I had some small part in how you turned out. What're you studying? You were always such a smart little girl.

Enid: I'm taking a remedial high school art class for fuck-ups and retards.

Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.

John Malkovich: NO!

[Craig regains control]

Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.

Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.

Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.

Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?

Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.

[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]

Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.

Maxine: Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?

Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.

Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.

Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.

Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!

Maxine: Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am... but only when you're in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing.

[During sex]

John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?

Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?

John Malkovich: No, not really.

Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.

Maxine: Why not?

Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?

Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?

Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?

Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.

Maxine: Yes?

Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.

Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.

Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.

[Answering the phone]

Maxine: J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.

Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?

Maxine: Are you married?

Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.

Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.

Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer...

Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?

Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?

Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...

Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...

Maxine: Two hundred dollars.

Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.

Maxine: My tits?

Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.

Maxine: No?

Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.

Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?

Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.

Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.

Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em.

Maxine: Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.

Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls.

Craig Schwartz: Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work?

Maxine: Yeah.

Maxine: Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.

Kenny: [after Lem arrives home from jail] So Lem, how you get out, man?

Lem: Honestly, man, I don't know. Somebody talked to somebody, and the charges got dropped.

Maxine: Well, Lem, we're all happy to have you back, brother.

Bird: [happily] That's right! My boo is home!

Teri: Actually, I called in to the D.A's office for a favor.

Lem: [glares at Teri]

Teri: I felt bad.

Lem: You should feel bad! Because of you, I had to spend weeks in jail.

Teri: You should be thankful! Now, you can stay home and take care of your pregnant wife.

Bird: You know what, Teri? You need to mind your own damn business, all right? Didn't nobody ask you for your help! You need to worry about your own husband and why he's sleeping with her!

[points towards Faith]

Maxine: Ahmad, what are you doin' in the ladies' bathroom?

Ahmad: Yo Bird! Big Mama said to bring yo' black ass out there!

Maxine: Boy, Big Mama told nobody's black ass to go nowhere!

Maxine: [after Bird discovers Lem dancing with his ex at her wedding reception] Now, that's what she gets. Bringing in somebody who ain't got nothing and putting him off on family.

Teri: What do you mean, putting him off on family? How about putting him off on me? I'm the one who paid for this wedding!

Maxine: [rolling her eyes] Teri, why do you ALWAYS have to let everybody know how much you pay for everything?

Teri: Because I DO.

Mama Joe: [after recieving a doctor's examination] I'm not getting my leg cut off.

Teri: Mama, there's no blood flowing to that leg. You're diabetic.

Maxine: You haven't been watching what you eat.

Mama Joe: [angrily, with tears in her eyes] NOBODY is cutting off my leg! And that's that!

Bird: I just wanted to say thank you for always being there and supporting me.

Maxine: You're my sister, girl.

Shirin: I just hate the way dudes get when they can't maintain an erection.

Maxine: What do they get like?

Shirin: Oh, are you a gold star?

Maxine: No, I've had sex with men, just um... not the kind who go soft.

Shirin: I find your anger *incredibly* sexy.

Maxine: Really?

Shirin: I hate so many things too.

[They smooch]

Maxine: Can't hold my thoughts still long enough to think them, I have to chase them.

Shirin: I know what you mean. The other day, I had a really good idea for a children's book while I was smoking weed and now I have no idea what it was.

Maxine: Keep smoking. You'll get it back.

Maxine: You're such a jerk.

Shirin: You love it.

Maxine: Shirin.

Shirin: Yeah.

Maxine: We're the same kind of stoned person.

Shirin: This is so beautiful. No homo.

Maxine: What do you mean, "No homo"?

Shirin: Oh, you don't know what "no homo" is? Okay, so "no homo" is this thing that rappers say to each other to like nullify the gayness of their words. They could be like, "those are some really fly jeans, man. No homo." or "Your song touched me. No homo."

Maxine: Like, "I like the way your dick tastes in my mouth. No homo."

[Both crack-up]

Shirin: Exactly.

[pause]

Shirin: I feel really lucky to have met you.

Maxine: No homo?

Shirin: Homo.

Shirin: I love how none of your white shirts get those really annoying pit stains that mine always do.

Maxine: I love that you noticed that.

[They kiss]

Maxine: I have something on my mind but it feels too scary to say out loud.

Shirin: Say it.

Maxine: Do you have something on your mind?

Shirin: Maybe?

Maxine: What?

Shirin: Don't be a pussy.

Maxine: Okay, let's say it at the same time on the count of three. One.

Maxine, Shirin: Two.

Shirin: I'm falling in love with you.

Maxine: [simultaneously] I'm thinking of transitioning into a man.

[Both laugh]

Maxine: Of course, I'm falling in love with you.

Maxine: You are ruining my birthday.

Shirin: You're ruining my twenties.

Happy Franks: Don't kid a kidder kid! People are afraid of poverty, of war, of pestilence, of not knowing who they are or what they want, of dogs, and I say - Don't! Don't fear these things! They're not real. You want something to fear? Do you know what to fear? Love. Fear love. Love is real and it is terrifying. If you're going to be afraid, be afraid when someone says...

[he is cut off in mid-sentence as other camera angles show the other characters say "I love you" in different ways]

Johnny Leguard: [to Mrs. Essendine] I love you.

Maxine: [to the sheik] Je t'aime.

Captain: [to the deposed queen] Ti amo.

Meistrich: [to Lili] Ich liebe dich.

Sparks: [to Maurice, who is dressed in drag] I lo-

[Maurice stops him]

First Mate: [in foreign language, to bomb which he hid in his coat] I love you.

Emily: [to Happy] I love you!

Maxine: Do you love me, Johnny?

Johnny Leguard: Like a bee loves honey.

Maxine: [Persuading Leonora to attend a charm school] You're not going just to get a better job. A charm school is like college and finishing school combined.

Leonora Eames: I can read, Maxine.

Maxine: Well, all I can say is, without a social education, you're never gonna' meet a real man.

Leonora Eames: What'sa matter with George?

Maxine: Well, he'll never be able to buy you a mink coat.

Maxine: Spin the Bishop!

Maxine: "She is...excruciatingly...white, isn't she? Somebody help me out here, am I missing the point? Is she communicating *anything* beyond 'fuck me please, my brain is missing?'"

Maxine: I shall always look back on this as one of my gayest evenings - ruins, a body and Scotland Yard sandwiches. What more could a girl ask?

Miriam: May I?

[Pulls postcards out of Maxine's hands]

Maxine: They're just my impressions of the Camp.

Miriam: Listen, Maxine, there ain't no j in gorgeous. No kidding.

Maxine: Well, the people I'm sending them to won't know the difference anyway.

Miriam: See you later.

Maxine: So will I.

Maxine: You sure married into a den of thieves.

Claire: I like to think of them as highwaymen.

Maxine: And bank robbers now.

Maxine: What now?

Claire: Kiss the bastards goodbye, then have a drink might be traditional at this point, I think.

Bridget: I ain't gonna kiss no dead man, honey.

[Maxine confronts two posse members who are whipping Claire]

Maxine: You got one chance to put it down!

[one posse member attempts to draw his gun and Maxine guns him down]

Crooked posse member: I think I'm going to believe you... bitch.

Maxine: Make that Mrs. Thornton... and let's see how fast you get disarm, disrobe and disappear.