Max Goldman Quotes in Grumpy Old Men (1993)
Max Goldman Quotes:
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Max Goldman: When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson: Hello, moron.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob!
-- Max Goldman -
Jacob: You're a child.
Max Goldman: Don't tell me Jacob; it isn't me.
Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.
Max Goldman: 38!
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.
John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
Max Goldman: She was the best.
John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
Max Goldman: Yeah!
John Gustafson: Yeah.
Max Goldman: What?
John Gustafson: What?
Max Goldman: Huh?
John Gustafson: Huh?
John Gustafson: What...?
[Both forget what they were arguing about]
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Up yours, Gustafson.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Hey dickhead you win the lottery?
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.
-- Max Goldman -
Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!
Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass!
-- Max Goldman -
John Gustafson: Moron!
Max Goldman: Putz!
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: John! John! Are you dead?
John Gustafson: Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: She chose me, and anyone who says different is a damn liar!
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: Gotta use *hot* water, dickhead!
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: [singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!
-- Max Goldman -
[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]
John Gustafson: I'm cold.
Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
-- Max Goldman -
John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.
Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass.
John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net.
Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.
-- Max Goldman -
Max Goldman: If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
-- Max Goldman -
Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time
Max Goldman: Me neither.
-- Max Goldman -
John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.
Max Goldman: What's your point?
-- Max Goldman -
John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.
Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.
John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.
Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
[Grabs milk and smells it]
Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.
-- Max Goldman -
[about talking to one's plants]
Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
-- Max Goldman -
[John charges at Max in a boat]
Max Goldman: You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.
-- Max Goldman -
John Gustafson: You won't even know I'm here.
Max Goldman: That's because you won't be here.
-- Max Goldman -
Jacob Goldman: [Max and Jacob are watching TV when the dog passes gas] UGH! What are you feeding this dog?
Max Goldman: Hormel Chili.
Jacob Goldman: [grimacing] Whoo!
Max Goldman: He likes it.
-- Max Goldman
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