Max Devlin Quotes in The Devil and Max Devlin (1981)

Max Devlin: [referring to Toby's sudden hostility] Some swell marriage we're gonna have! If he hates me, he'll be impossible to live with.

Barney Satin: You don't have to worry about that. The slightest hint to Agent Hargraves and it's all over. You gonna synchronize your watch?

Max Devlin: They all signed. I'm free! Aren't I?

Barney Satin: Yes, you are, but by midnight, they belong to me.

Max Devlin: Not until the natural end of their lives. That's what you said.

Barney Satin: Point of fact: I lied. I need them now.

Max Devlin: Oh, no! Barney, please! I couldn't have done it if I'd known that! He's a great kid. They're all great kids, but that kid, kill him and you kill her!

Barney Satin: Unfortunately, her soul does not belong to me. You win some, you lose some. But then again, you have your precious life.

Max Devlin: You want me to corrupt the souls of little kids? See, I've never been much on kids... but that's not a nice thing.

Barney Satin: Neither is Level 4.

Max Devlin: Where do I sign?

[Max sees that 'Agent Hargraves' is the old blind woman who killed him after he refused to help her cross the street]

Max Devlin: That's entrapment! It's not fair!

Barney Satin: Fair? Are you forgetting where you are?

Max Devlin: [Max goes after blind lady after Nerve tells him that she tripped him before his motorbike started up] Who are you?

Blind Lady #2: [She takes off her sunglasses] We have them here too, you know.

Max Devlin: We? Where do you come from?

Max Devlin: [She looks up, indicating Heaven, then looks back at Max] You're not gonna take him away now, are you, your holiness?

Blind Lady #2: [She chuckles] Oh, no. He's much too young to die.

[She leaves Max, putting her sunglasses back on]

Max Devlin: [Max says to himself] So am I!

Max Devlin: Oh my God!

Barney Satin: I wish you wouldn't say that.

Max Devlin: I'm sorry!

Barney Satin: Yeah.

Max Devlin: What happens to the kids after they sign?

Barney Satin: Nothing. We don't get them until the natural ends of their lives.

Barney Satin: What about my contracts?

Max Devlin: So that's what this is all about?

Barney Satin: Yes. My associates are getting a little itchy.

Max Devlin: I don't care! I got until midnight, May 15th. That's our deal. Look, I'm... I'm telling you. I'm trying to get these people so hooked on me, they'll sign anything. That takes time. Now, if I go too fast, I'm liable to blow the whole deal!

Barney Satin: I like your style, Max. You're a devious fellow.

Barney Satin: You harboring some kind of death wish, Max?

Max Devlin: No, but you are! You're lucky you're dead, man, or so help me you would be!

Barney Satin: You're getting angry, Max.

Max Devlin: You're darn right, I am! Don't you ever, ever try a stunt like that on me again!

Barney Satin: Just trying to get your attention.

Max Devlin: Well, next time try tapping me on the shoulder.

Max Devlin: [Max runs into the living room and lights up the fire place in an attempt to burn the three signed contracts] I know you're here! Let me see your rotten, lying, deceitful face now! I'm gonna burn your contracts!

Barney Satin: [the next scene is in Hell where Barney, first in voice-over during the first three words, is now in full "devil" makeup] Burn those contracts and eternal damnation is yours! You'll know the unmitigating pain and horror of limbs being torn from their sockets! Your limbs! Your sockets! You'll feel pain you've never imagined in life! Yours, forever! Flesh, you'll smell burning! Your flesh! Rotting! Forever!

Max Devlin: You'll never get these kids! Never!

[Max throws the contracts into the fire while saying "Never" the second time]

[Barney materializes to Max in the car's passenger seat while Max is driving]

Barney Satin: Mind if I join you?

Max Devlin: What are you doing here?

Barney Satin: I've never been to the Grammys.

Max Devlin: Be my guest.

Barney Satin: Goody for me. Goody for you too. Congratulations on your engagement. When's the happy day?

Max Devlin: This Saturday, sandwiched in between the first and second motos and after that, Stella's concert at the music center.

Barney Satin: Well, it's gonna be very busy. The 15th? You're cutting it a little close, aren't you?

Max Devlin: I had no choice in the matter. It was her decision.

Barney Satin: Well, at least you'll have saved yourself.

Max Devlin: Yeah.

Barney Satin: You don't look too happy about it.

Max Devlin: Nobody said I had to enjoy it.

Barney Satin: Beats Level 4, but your hair looks nice.

Max Devlin: Thank you.

Max Devlin: Listen, a weird thing... a weird thing just happened, there's this mirror behind the cashier...

Barney Satin: You're one of us now. Inhabitants of Hell cast no reflection.

[last lines]

Max Devlin: [Max looks up toward Heaven and mouths] Thank you very much.

Penny Hart: I love you, Max.

Max Devlin: How could you possibly love ME? I'm not lovable. I'm not even nice. I'm irresponsible. Unreliable. You've said so yourself a million times. Look, even if we try, I'll still probably leave you without any warning. I'm a rotten person.

Penny Hart: The only trouble with you, Max, is that you have no self-image.

Max Devlin: You noticed?

Max Devlin: [Max turns away from Penny and faces the mirror] Oh, my God.

[He sees his reflection]

Max Devlin: I don't believe it.

Penny Hart: What is it, Max? What's wrong?

Max Devlin: It's ME! I don't believe it. It's me in the mirror. I... I don't believe it.

[He moves closer and closer to the mirror. Penny follows]

Max Devlin: I won. I WON. I WON!

Penny Hart: Won what?

Max Devlin: I beat that lousy, rotten, slimy, no-good, son-of-a...

Penny Hart: Beat who? Beat who?

Max Devlin: [He turns to face Penny and hold her shoulders] Barney! I beat Barney! He had my soul!

Penny Hart: Are you all right, Max?

Max Devlin: All right?

[He kisses Penny on the cheek]

Max Devlin: I've never been more all right in my life!

[He turns back to the mirror]

Max Devlin: Hello! That's the most amazing sight I've ever seen!

Penny Hart: You're talking crazy, Max?

Max Devlin: [He runs to the couch and starts walking on it while talking to Penny] No, no, I know it's crazy. I know, I know, I know it sounds crazy! I know that, but it's so basic. It's just so simple. It's like it's good and bad and-and Heaven and Hell and God and the Devil! Penny, look, all my life, I made wrong choices. I made wrong choices!

[He gets off the couch and walks over to Penny]

Max Devlin: But this time, I made the right choice and the Devil lost my soul! He LOST me!

Penny Hart: I'm gonna call the doctor.

Stella Summers: [Stella is onstage, accepting her Grammy. Seconds later, Barney's onstage with her, standing right next to her] Thank you. Winning this Grammy is a great honor. And to those who are not up here with me now to share it with me, Max Devlin, my manager, Jerry Nadler, a blizzard, I have only this to say: It was a long, hard pull, man, and I got nobody to thank but myself.

[Stella and Barney walk off with the audience murmuring then applauding]

Max Devlin: [Max speaks to Jerry] My God! She's a monster!

Barney Satin: [Barney is sitting right behind and between Max and Jerry] She's fabulous, sweetheart. That's just the way we like 'em. One down, two to go.

Sheila: I can't believe it! After all, we've meant to each other, you would actually evict me for keeping a parakeet in my room?

Max Devlin: Sweetheart, if I let you keep a parakeet, I'd have to let everybody else keep a parakeet and this is not a bird sanctuary, it's an apartment house!

Mr. Billings: Honey, he's only following rules. If you want to blame someone, blame the rotten owner!

Female Tenant: He IS the rotten owner!

Max Devlin: [Max is giving Nerve a few pointers as to how to win the upcoming race] It's very simple. You start. You ride like a bat out of Hell and you win.

Barney Satin: [Barney shows up behind Nerve] Have you ever seen one of our bats?

Max Devlin: Uh? Scratch that. You start... and you win.

Max Devlin: [Max sees Barney at his wedding, standing next to the Maid of Honor] Who invited you?

Maid of Honor: I'm the Maid of Honor.

Toby Hart: [the phone is ringing and Toby goes into the house to answer it] Hello?

Max Devlin: Hello, Toby? This is your Uncle Max.

Toby Hart: [His voice is heard over the phone] Oh, hi!

Max Devlin: Can I talk to your mother, please?

Toby Hart: Uh? Just a sec, all right?

[He goes outside while holding the phone and talks to his mother, who's sitting at a table with a few kids]

Toby Hart: It's for you, Mom. It's Uncle Max.

Penny Hart: Uncle Max. I don't believe it. Tell him that I'm uh...

[She then says quietly]

Penny Hart: Tell him that I'm not here.

Toby Hart: [He goes back on the phone with Max] She says to say she's not here.

Max Devlin: Huh? Well, then, you tell her it's somebody else. I have to talk to her.

Toby Hart: [Toby gets off the phone to talk to his mother, Penny] He says to say he's someone else.

Penny Hart: Excuse me, you guys.

[She gets up from the table and walks over to Toby, who hands over the phone. She goes inside the house with Toby following. During the phone conversation, she sees Toby trying to leave and she stops him]

Penny Hart: Hello. Uncle Max? Uh, I don't know who you are or what you want, but I want you to leave me and my son alone, please?

Max Devlin: [Between four and five seconds, Max's voice is heard over the phone. Then, the camera's right on him and zooms in] Mrs. Hart, don't hang up on me, please, until you hear me out, okay? You may think this sounds insane, but I've fallen deeply in love...

[She hangs up]

Penny Hart: [She speaks to Toby] You know what you are? You are the only 11-year-old procurer in the business.

Toby Hart: What's a...

Penny Hart: Forget it.

[She goes back outside with Toby following]

Max Devlin: So between managing the Nordlinger boy and Stella, I'm perpetually on the run, as you can imagine.

Penny Hart: I don't have to imagine. I can tell by looking at you. Don't you ever look in the mirror when you shave?

[She's alluding to the fact that there are paper-covered cuts all over his face]

Max Devlin: Not if I can help it.

Max Devlin: Believe me, Penny. My life isn't my own. And on top of everything else, there's my real estate responsibilities, which are considerable. Some landlords will allow a place to go to Hell in a trash can, but not me. Constant repairs, constant maintenance, constant outlays of time and money.

Penny Hart: I'll bet.

Max Devlin: And then there's the little old ladies who insists on keeping their pets and the young, married couples who insists on keeping their kids. Not that I've got anything against kids, but some landlords feel it's rough enough taking care of a place these days without them. Thumping and bumping around. And playing handball on your walls at all hours and putting their mangy, little hands on your fresh paint. Plus, the whining and the wailing all night! And at the crack of dawn in the morning, before you've had your coffee, they'll ring your bell with the most insipid, stupid questions that you never have an answer to! It can drive you nuts!

Penny Hart: Is that how you really feel about kids?

Max Devlin: Well... sometimes.

Penny Hart: Me too, sometimes.