Max Berman Quotes in Best in Show (2000)

[trying to coerce his son to get down from jumping off the roof]

Max Berman: I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I shit you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?

Max Berman: I had a terrible day today. I can't get rid of it in my head. You know, you have a bad day - someone returns a sweater. I have a bad day - lives get lost. People lose their lives. I'm the chief hostage negotiator for the Akron and tri-county area and I talk people down. Whenever they get a jumper on a big building, they call me.

Gerry Fleck: How many people have you talked down? I mean, is there a...?

Max Berman: Well, they always jump. I've got news for you. It's a little secret from the trade. They all jump. But today, we had a tough one. There's a guy, he jumps... that doesn't bother me, it happens all the time. But you see, you think they drop like rocks. They don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down. This guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head...

[snaps his fingers]

Max Berman: pops off like a grape, the body continues to spin down like a whirligig. When they hit... everything pops out. It's like a piñata. The intestines, like they're spring-loaded... pop out!

[looks at Cookie]

Max Berman: You know, forgive me. I was actually... You know what? You know what I was just remembering - that time with you and me at the lake. The piñata. Remember?

Cookie Fleck: Was that you? Are you sure that was you?

Max Berman: I think you know who it was.

Gerry Fleck: [interrupting] Well, it was a long time ago, and...

Max Berman: It seems like last week, I'll tell you that. You wouldn't know, but she was famous for putting her legs behind her head. She could get both legs behind her head.

Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal!

Cookie Fleck: No, it's just talk! It's just talk.

Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal!

Fay Berman: Piñata? I don't know what a piñata is.

Gerry Fleck: [to Fay] I forgot to compliment you on your luscious melon breasts tonight. How does that sound?

Cookie Fleck: Oh, come on!

Max Berman: What the hell are you talking about now?

Fay Berman: [to Gerry] Thank you.

Max Berman: You know something, what you don't understand is... what do they say?... one picture is worth a thousand words. I only went through 125 or 130 words describing that. If I wanted to go on, I could go through 800 words more.

Gerry Fleck: Well, I'll take the picture, because, you know...

Max Berman: I'll tell you what, next time I'll get a picture, how about that?