Maurice Quotes in War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

Caesar: We cannot take her, Maurice.

Maurice: I understand. But I cannot leave her.

Maurice: Run.

Maurice: You still think about them?

Caesar: Humans?

Caesar: Sometimes.

Maurice: [to Caesar in sign language] Why coockie Rocket?

Caesar: [to Maurice in sign language and breaking and bundling sticks] Ape alone... weak. Apes together... strong.

Maurice: [to Caesar in sign language as they observe chimps beating each other and stop] Apes stupid.

Maurice: [in sign language; subtitled] Hurt bad?

Caesar: [in sign language] You know sign?

Maurice: [nods; in sign language] Circus orangutan.

[Caesar and the orangutan Maurice observe John tranquilizes a chimp. Caesar grabs the bars of his cage and shrieks and growls]

Maurice: [to Caesar in sign language] Careful. Humans don't like smart ape.

Caesar: [grunt-like and at Koba with hands signals] Go Up!

Koba: [grunts]

[leads some orangutans and chimps up on the beams]

Caesar: [to Maurice and with signals] Go Under!

Maurice: [roars and screeches]

[leads most of the orangutans and some chimps under the bridge]

Maurice: [to Martland] Of all sad words of tongue or pen the saddest are these "It might have been".

Maurice: For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: "It might have been!" by John Greenleaf Whittier

Maurice: What the hell does the Department of Homeland Defense want with a truck full of cheese anyway?

Webster: You ain't never heard of government cheese?

Maurice: I'm not goin' out without a fight.

Webster: He's retarded!

Maurice: Key's in the truck. Move the level, 'cause the brakes get stuck.

Agent Toby Lee Shavers: Hi, I'm Agent Shavers. We'll be commandeering your truck today.

Webster: Man, we can't let anybody know a white guy hijacked us.

Maurice: We'll say it was 75 black guys.

Alex: Go faster.

Maurice: Give me one good reason!

Alex: If you don't, I'll push you off the boat.

Maurice: That's a good reason.

Marifa: Bad luck to run ship over town.

Maurice: No shit, bad luck! I just bought a condo here!

Maurice: Look what I found in international waters!

Julien: Whatever happened to the separation of the classes?

Maurice: I'm sure this whole democracy thing is just a fad.

Maurice: Hey Trish! I'm gonna find your Aaliyah looking ass!

Maurice: You ain't the only one that knows some shit.

Maurice: [Han Sing starts attacking the gang] The hell what Mac said,somebody kill that son of a bitch!

Maurice: [after Han leaves posing as a delivery boy] Where the food?

Trish: What?

Maurice: Delivery boy just left, where the hells the take-out food?

Trish: Are you hungry baby?

Maurice: [runs out door, after Han]

Han Sing: Sorry Moron.

Maurice: Name's Maurice, bitch.

Trish: Do I know you?

Maurice: How you gonna play me like that?

Trish: What?

Maurice: Now you know I work for your pops.

Trish: Right, right. What's your name again? Something starts with an M...

Maurice: Yeah, that's it. That's it.

Trish: Moron.

Maurice: Funny. It's Maurice, all right?

Han Sing: Here's the deal, Meatball. You let me go, I let you live.

Maurice: [Maurice laughs] He say he's gonna let ME live!

[laughs again]

Maurice: You know I'm really gonna miss you? The way you make me laugh. But look on the bright side: some you win... and Dim Sum, you lose.

Han Sing: Where is she?

Maurice: You didn't really think you was gonna get them panties, now did you?

Han Sing: What?

Maurice: Trish. You didn't really think she was gonna give it up to you, now did you?

Maurice: [after scoring a touchdown on a video game against co-workers] How yo momma doin'! How yo momma doin'! Touch-down baby! Take it, take it, take it! Deez nuts in your mouth! I said, put the nuts in your mou-

[boss walks in]

Maurice: ... Why're you all not working? Get to work!

Maurice: I don't care if you're going to confession - it's going to be you, me, and the priest.

Maurice: I ain't even gonna look, I ain't even gonna look. I'm just gonna play. I can't see, I can't see.

Buck McGriff: How many times did you fuck her Maurice?

Maurice: 'bout 8 10 times, I'm a 'ho tamin' mutherfucka. That bitch wont work for a week at least.

Buck McGriff: Bullshit! She hasn't got the clap Maurice and you can't piss without a painkiller. Ohh I'm sick of this shit!

Maurice: Hey don't be sick of it mutherfuka. The only thing I saw that night was some slant eyed pussy.

Maurice: This'll rot your caviar!

Mort the Mouse Lemur: King Julian! What are they?

[shouts]

Mort the Mouse Lemur: What are they?

Julian: They are... aliens! Savage aliens! From the savage future!

Maurice: They've come to kill us! And take our women! And our precious metals!

Mort the Mouse Lemur: [begins weeping]

Julian: Get up Mort! Do not be near the King's feet, okay!

Mort the Mouse Lemur: They are savages! Tonight we die.

Julian: The feet! I told you about - I told you to - I told you - didn't I tell him about the feet?

Maurice: He did tell you about the feet.

Mort the Mouse Lemur: [cutely] E-he.

Alex the Lion: Whoa! Hold up there a second, fuzzbucket. You mean like, uh, the "live in a mud hut, wipe yourself with a leaf" type wild?

Julian: Who wipes?

Gloria the Hippo: Oy vey.

Julian: Oy vey!

Maurice: Oy vey, everybody!

[Lemurs Shout "Oy vey"]

Maurice: [flatly] Presenting your royal highness, our illustrious King Julian the XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, etc, etc, hooray, everybody.

Maurice: What if Mr. Alex is even worse then the Foosa? I'm tellin' you, that dude just gives me the heebiedabajeebies!

Julian: Maurice, you did not raise your hand. Therefore, your heinous comment will be stricken from the record. Does anyone else have the heebiedibigibies? No? Good. So shut up.

Julian: [Mort grabs Julian's foot] What did I tell you about the feet! Maurice didn't I tell him about the feet!

Maurice: He did tell you about the feet.

Mort the Mouse Lemur: [cutely] He he!

Julian: Wait! I have a plan.

Maurice: Really?

Julian: I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savage killers.

[Julian kicks Mort out in the open]

Marty the Zebra: Hi there!

Alex the Lion: No, I will handle this. Alex handles it. Marty says nothing.

[approaches the frightened Mort]

Alex the Lion: Hi there!

[Mort starts to cry]

Alex the Lion: Oh, geez!

Melman the Giraffe: Oh, Alex. What did you do?

Alex the Lion: No, it's okay, it's okay. I'm just a silly, just a silly lion.

[Mort cries louder]

Alex the Lion: Oh, jeez!

Julian: They're just a bunch of pansies.

Maurice: I don't know. There's still something about that one with the crazy hairdo that I find suspicious.

Julian: Nonsense, Maurice. Come on, everybody! Let's go and meet the pansies!

Alex the Lion: Well, I say we just ask these bozos where the people are.

Julian: [from the ground underneath Alex] Excuse me. We bozos have the people of course!

Melman the Giraffe: Hey, the bozos have the people.

Alex the Lion: Oh, well, great. Good. Phew!

Julian: They're up there.

[points up at skeletons dangling from tree, wearing a parachute harness]

Julian: Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though.

Alex the Lion: Oh... wow... so, do you have any *live* people?

Julian: Uhh... no, only dead ones.

Maurice: I mean, if we had a bunch of live people running around, it wouldn't be called the wild, would it?

Maurice: Your friend here is what we call a deluxe model hunting-and-eating machine. And he eats steak... which is you.

Maurice: Baseball cards? I LOVE baseball cards! -Got 'em, got 'em, need 'em got 'em, got 'em got 'em, need 'em, got 'em, need 'em, need 'em, got 'em, need 'em, need 'em got 'em, got 'em need 'em!

Maurice: We take the shit, we smash the shit, and then we put the shit back.

Maurice: A man's best friend, His right hand.

Maurice: We're the reasons why brothers hate their sisters!

Maurice: [after peeing in Ronny's apple juice] Ronny's gonna be pissed!

Maurice: You got your stupid remote control back. Now how about lighting a candle or something? These lights are painful.

Brian Stevenson: [studies remote] Hey, what about the batteries?

Maurice: I ate 'em for breakfast. I'd give 'em to ya right now but double A battries constipate me, ok? How bout a little later?

Brian Stevenson: That's gross.

Brian Stevenson: We're in somebody elses house!

Maurice: No! Duh! Well, where did you park your squad car, Dick Tracy?

Maurice: Ooh, let me get it.

[picks Brian's nose]

Maurice: Hmm yum, you know I thought it would be good but it's snot. Ha Ha!

Maurice: Don't worry it's just a drill!

Maurice: Ow! Window pane

King Julien XIII: [Waiting for the signal to turn off the casino master switch] Now?

Maurice: Not yet.

King Julien XIII: Okay?

Maurice: No!

[later]

Maurice: Now!

King Julien XIII: [Sticking pencils in his nose, ears and mouth] Uh, I'm a little busy right now.

Maurice: Just pull the switch!

King Julien XIII: Okay, fine.

King Julien XIII: [in a train] Hey, this is not first class!

Maurice: Oh! Definitely coach.

Beast: Who are you? What are you doing here?

Maurice: I-I-I was lost in the woods, and-and.

Beast: You're not welcome here!

Maurice: I-I-I'm sorry.

Beast: What're you staring at?

Maurice: N-nothing.

Beast: So, you've come to stare at the Beast have you?

Maurice: Please, I meant no harm. I-I just need a place to stay.

Beast: I'll give you a place to stay.

Maurice: No, no! Please! Don't, no!

Belle: [in the darkness] Who's there? Who are you?

Beast: The master of this castle.

Belle: I've come for my father. Please, let him out! Can't you see, he's sick?

Beast: [Yelling] Then he shouldn't have trespassed here!

Belle: But he could die! Please, I'll do anything!

Beast: There's nothing you can do! He's my prisoner.

Belle: [to herself] Oh, there must be some way I can.

[to the Beast]

Belle: Wait! Take me instead.

Beast: You?

[pause]

Beast: You would take his place?

Maurice: Belle, no! You don't know what you're doing!

Belle: [to the Beast] If I did, would you let him go?

Beast: Yes. But you must promise to stay here forever!

Belle: [pause] Come into the light.

[the Beast steps in the castle light to reveal himself; Belle gasps and turns away]

Maurice: No, Belle! I won't let you do this!

[Belle looks at him, then rises]

Belle: You have my word.

Beast: Done!

[Belle kneels to the floor, sobbing]

Maurice: [about his machine] I'm I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk.

Belle: You always say that!

Maurice: I mean it this time! I'll never get this boneheaded contraption to work!

Belle: Yes you will, and you'll win first prize at the fair tomorrow.

[Maurice frowns]

Belle: And become a world famous inventor.

Maurice: You really believe that?

Belle: I always have.

Maurice: Well, what are we waiting for? I'll have this thing fixed in no time!

Belle: Papa, do you think I'm odd?

Maurice: My daughter? Odd? Where would you get an idea like that?

Belle: Oh, I don't know. It's just that I'm not sure I'd fit in here. There's no one I can really talk to.

Maurice: What about that Gaston? He's a handsome fellow.

Belle: He's handsome alright, and rude, and conceited and... papa, he's not for me.

Belle: Is anyone here?

Maurice: Belle?

Belle: Papa.

[Grabs torch and kneels down to Maurice]

Maurice: H-how did you find me?

Belle: Oh, your hands are ice. We need to get you out of here.

Maurice: Belle, I want you to leave this place.

Belle: Who's done this to you?

Maurice: No time to explain. You must go, now.

Belle: I won't leave you.

Maurice: [out in the cold snowy night] Will no one help me?

Maurice: If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle somehow and- I'll get her out of therthe.

Baby Gloria: [to Mumble's unhatched egg] Is it empty?

Maurice: Honey...

Baby Gloria: Can I have it?

Maurice: Gloria!

Maurice: Memphis, is everything okay?

Memphis: I don't know. I can't hear anything.

Maurice: Oh, my God, the bend and snap works every time!

Maurice: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. In a year or two, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

Maurice: Mr. McDowell?

Cleo McDowell: Yes?

Maurice: There's some people here to see you.

Cleo McDowell: They're not from McDonalds are they?

Cleo McDowell: I don't think so.

Danielle: [indicating Maurice] I wish to address the issue of this gentleman. He is my servant, and I am here to pay the debt against him.

Cargomaster: You're too late, he's bought and paid for.

Danielle: I can pay you twenty gold francs.

Cargomaster: Madame, you can have me for twenty gold francs. Now drive on!

Danielle: I demand you release him at once, or I shall take this matter to the King!

Cargomaster: The King's the one who sold him. He's now the property of Cartier.

Danielle: He is not property at *all*, you ill-mannered tub of guts! Do you honestly think it right to chain people like chattel? I demand you release him at once!

Cargomaster: [shouts] Get outta my way!

Henry: [riding up] You dare raise your voice to a lady, sir?

Cargomaster: [flustered] Your Highness! F-forgive me, Sire. I meant no disrespect. It's just, uh... I'm following orders here. It's my job to take these criminals and thieves to the coast.

Danielle: A servant is not a thief, your Highness, and those who are cannot help themselves.

Henry: Really! Well then by all means, enlighten us.

Danielle: If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?

[pause, the other courtiers look on approvingly]

Henry: Well, there you have it. Release him.

Cargomaster: But Sire...!

Henry: I said, release him!

Cargomaster: Yes, Sire.

[Maurice is released]

Maurice: [to Danielle] I thought I was looking at your mother!

Danielle: [sotto voce] Meet me at the bridge.

[aloud]

Danielle: Prepare the horses, we will leave at once.

[to Henry]

Danielle: I thank you, your Highness.

Maurice: [to Danielle] I thought I was looking at your mother.

Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother!

Maurice: No.

Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother!

Maurice: Uh-huh.

Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother!

Maurice: Now that's a good one.

Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother!

Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.

Elise: I'm unhappy, Maurice!

Maurice: And I'm going to get you that coffee.

Maurice: It's oaky... Oh, yeah, and smoky. I detect... bacon fat... laced with honey melon.

Maurice: [on a Britisher saying Californians make wine in unorthodox ways] Where I'm from, they call it a left-handed compliment. They don't have a name for it in England: it's too ingrained in their culture.

Steven Spurrier: Great wine is great art, my friend. I am, in effect, a shepherd... whose mission is to offer the public another form of great art and to guide its appreciation thereof.

Maurice: Well, a shepherd... by definition, needs a flock. And a business, by necessity... needs customers.

Steven Spurrier: So, if I were to subscribe to that proviso would you be considered a customer?

Maurice: No. No, I would be considered... an enthusiastic... advocate.

Maurice: [about Daniel] About five years ago, he caught his fiance letting someone else dip his fork into her fondue - and by "fondue" I mean...

Nate: Yeah, I get the idea.

Maurice: He hasn't dated since. He hasn't even... put the train...

Nate: Yup, yup, yup. I, uh... I figured it out.

Clouseau: Uh... What was I saying? Uh... Listen, you, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing there? I mean, can't you pay attention when I'm talking? Don't know know what I was saying? You're not listening to me.

Maurice: With the greatest respect, monsieur, I heard every word that you said.

Clouseau: Would you be kind enough to tell me what it was that I said?

Maurice: You were talking about the closet, monsieur...

Clouseau: Uhhh, yes?

Maurice: You were saying that when the closet door was open, Maria received a bump on the head, and from that that you inferred that someone had been hiding in the closet, monsieur...

Clouseau: Yes, she received a bump on - And, listen, monsieur, next time I may test you without warning!

Maurice: I have the car right here, sir!

Maurice: For most men, a woman's body is the most beautiful thing they will ever see.

Jessie: What's the most beautiful thing a girl sees? Do you know?

Maurice: Her first child.

Maurice: [Maurice is clipping Ian's toenail] Keep still. It's not surgery.

Ian: I don't trust you.

Maurice: [clips the nail] Got it! A palpable hit!

Ian: But where has the little fucker gone?

Maurice: Who cares? It's free now.

Ian: I can't have my home scattered with toenails.

Maurice: Oh, God. I'll have to get my other glasses.

Ian: They're around your fucking neck.

Maurice: Oh. Thank you.

[puts glasses on, begins to search]

Maurice: Where's that bastard toenail? Ha! There's the little fucker!

Jessie: I haven't got anything to wear.

Maurice: I can't think of anything more enraging, my dear.

Maurice: This other man, the other man who loved you, was he not kind to you?

Jessie: He was kind, for a time. He promised me things. He bought me stuff. We had champagne and there were roses.

Maurice: Then you got pregnant.

Jessie: Does everyone know?

Maurice: It's happened to girls before.

Jessie: Then... then he stopped being kind. He went the other way. A long way that way. He were engaged. I didn't know. It wasn't a miscarriage. My mum called it that. It were an abortion. And she made me.

Maurice: Terrible.

Jessie: Yeah. Yeah.

Maurice: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease hath all too short a date: sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, and often is his gold completion dimm'd, and every fair from fair sometime declines, by chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd, but thy eternal summer shall not fade, nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st, nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade, when in eternal lines to time thou grow'st, so long as men can breathe, and eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to thee."

Maurice: You were a good mother. I rather left you holding the baby, didn't I?

Valerie: You did do that. Three children under six, to be exact.

Maurice: I can see it must have been inconvenient.

Valerie: That you put your own pleasure first?

Maurice: I did love you. For a time. And for the rest of the time, I was fond of you.

Valerie: Please, no. No, don't

Maurice: More than fond of you.

Valerie: You don't have to. I don't want it.

Maurice: It's my goodbye to you.

Valerie: Why, where are you going?

Maurice: [chuckles] We won't live forever.

Valerie: No.

[kisses his head; they kiss]

Jessie: [after their fight] Why didn't you tell me you were having an operation?

Maurice: I didn't want to cheer you up.

Ian: Do I look like a fool? Do I?

[pause]

Ian: Answer me!

Maurice: Don't tempt me. I haven't had my tranquilizer yet.

Maurice: I'm impotent, of course, but I can still take theoretical interest.

Jessie: Have you been thinking about me?

Maurice: All the time I was in the hospital.

Jessie: What do you think about me?

Maurice: Your hair, your feet, your legs, your behind, your eyes...

Jessie: My eyes?

Maurice: [dreamily, reverentially] Your elbows... your cunt...

Jessie: Oh shut up...

[long pause]

Jessie: You can touch my hand.

Maurice: I will die soon, Venus. Can I touch your hand?

Jessie: That's one chat-up line I haven't heard.

Maurice: I'm impotent, of course.

Jessie: Thank Christ.

Maurice: But I can still take a theoretical interest.

Jessie: Have you been thinking about me?

Maurice: All the time I was in hospital.

Jessie: What did you think about me?

Maurice: I saw your body.

Jessie: Which part?

Maurice: Your hair. Your feet. Your legs, your behind, your eyes.

Jessie: My eyes?

Maurice: Your elbows. Your cunt.

Jessie: Oh, shut up. You can touch my hand.

[he kisses her hand]

Jessie: Only with your fingers. Anything else will make me vomitous.

Maurice: Can I ask you, have you ever been in love before?

[she smiles]

[stroking her hand]

Maurice: May I ask you - have you ever been in love before?

[Jesse smiles embarrassedly, but glowingly]

Ian: How's Valerie?

Maurice: Phoning my continuously with complaints.

Ian: You're her husband.

Maurice: Am I?

Ian: Yeah. You did one of your runners, if you remember.

Maurice: Did I? But I never wanted to be independent.

Ian: I love it.

Maurice: I am about to die and I know nothing about myself.

Ian: You have been loved, though, Maurice. You've been adored.

Maurice: Yes. And so have you, Ian, a little bit. Except you didn't always notice it.

Maurice: No, you can't cling to me like this, Ian, we'll both go down.

Ian: Put me on my feet then, you silly old fool!

Maurice: You're on your feet.

Ian: Oh. Yeah. Well. Thank you.

Maurice: Not at all.

[they begin dancing]

Maurice: My dear, would you pass me my trousers?

Jessie: What is that?

Maurice: A catheter.

Jessie: Oh, my God!

Maurice: I think it's leaking.

Jessie: I don't want it on my shoes! You're always dripping, Maurice.

Maurice: Oh, hold on.

Jessie: There's always bits of you where there shouldn't be!

Maurice: Venus. You look like a movie star.

[kisses her neck]

Maurice: Is there an old man odor?

Jessie: Not so much this evening.

Maurice: I wonder why.

Jessie: You can kiss my shoulders.

Maurice: Can I?

Jessie: Three kisses. Three, I said! And no licking and burping, you dirty, filthy, little shithead.

Maurice: [chuckles] Oh, you please me.

Jessie: And you me.

[he fondles her breasts; she hesitates, then punches him in the groin]

Maurice: Steady! Steady! I'm just out of intensive care.

Jessie: You ask for it, Maurice. You know you do, with your forwardness. Do you believe in anything, Maurice?

Maurice: Pleasure, I like. I've tried to give pleasure. That's all I'd recommend to anyone.

Jessie: You've made me sticky with your slug tongue. I think I'll have a bath.

Maurice: Well, well. I think I'll run it for you.

Maurice: [last words] Now we can really talk!

Maurice: It's a really important role. The lynchpin of the story. Yep. It's ALSO a speaking part.

Sparks: Are either of you Greek?

Arthur: No.

Maurice: Well, yes, actually I'm half-Greek.

Sparks: Top half or bottom half?

Sparks: Perhaps we should wrestle sometime. Do you like the taut roundness that exercise brings to the buttocks?

Maurice: [uneasy] Yeah.

Sparks: Do you enjoy the warmth of the Mediterranean sun on that self-same place? I once wrestled a man on the steps of the Acropolis, when the sun was at its height, wearing only what God sent me into the world with. Can you picture that? That's where we'll wrestle, my semi-Grecian lad. That's where I'll make a man of you.

[last lines]

Maurice: [toasting] To life.

Arthur: And its many deaths.

Arthur: Oh, no! We're going to die! We're going to...

Maurice: Don't you see? This will be your great dramatic death!

Arthur: I DON'T WANT A REAL ONE!

Arthur: [as a cockney beggar] Please, sir, I want some more. Y'see, sir, I've not eaten for fourteen days since me mum died of the group.

Maurice: Croup.

Arthur: Croup. Of the croup, she died, leaving me and my mentally ill brother, 'ere, to fend for ourselves. Murdered, she was, in 'er bed by one of 'er johns. Y'see, sir, she sold 'erself to feed us. She compromised 'erself for oursakes, leaving us all alone and 'ungry and 'omeless and my poor brother needs a brain operation and my glaucoma's gettin' worse and sir... SIR!... SIR? I can't see you sir! I can't see you sir! AHH... AHH... I'M BLIND!... AHHHHHHH!

Maurice: So I insult him?

Arthur: Yeah, yeah, tell him you think his pastries are no good, okay?

Maurice: Oh, good idea, good idea.

Arthur: Yeah. Say that they're stale.

Maurice: Hey, buddy, your pastries are stale!

Arthur: Right, but don't say buddy, just say ssss... sss... you're sss...

Maurice: Your pastries are stale!

Arthur: Yeah, you, your pastries are stale!

Maurice: [has just finished eating a pastry; part of a scheme to get free pastries] I hate them.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Oh, I'm sorry; to each his own. There's another bakery shop down the block whose wares might be more to your liking. Thank you for coming in.

[to Arthur]

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: May I help you, sir?

Arthur: Yes, would you excuse me a moment? I'm sorry,

[to Maurice]

Arthur: I couldn't help but overhear, excuse me, sir, um, but may I say that your rudeness to this hard-working gentleman is uncalled for.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Please, sir

Maurice: I beg your pardon.

Arthur: No, I beg yours, sir. I happen to know that this gentleman

[refers to the baker]

Arthur: is one of the finest pastry chefs on the Eastern seaboard.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Well, thank you.

Arthur: You're welcome.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Do I know you?

Arthur: Of course you do.

Maurice: What's your point?

Arthur: My point is, sir, that you would not know a good creampuff if it jumped up and licked you on the ass.

Maurice: Well...

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Sir, it's just a difference in taste.

Arthur: No, no. this man is clearly an imbecile.

Maurice: Ah, an insult!

[quietly to Arthur]

Maurice: I'm in-I'm insulted?

Arthur: Yes.

Maurice: I'm insulted! Well, I am!

Arthur: Oh, well good-good-good-good! Well, I'm glad you are! But I'm sure you're not as insulted as this gentleman!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Oh, I'm not insulted.

Arthur: Oh, yes you are! The man works all day like a mule to support his miserable family.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: Well, here now, my family isn't miserable. We're all quite happy!

Arthur: No, you're not! You're miserable and pathetic, look at you!

[ignoring his protest]

Arthur: All day, working like a lackey from rise to set sweating in the eye of Phoebus!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: I love my work!

Arthur: No, you don't!

[first lines]

Maurice: [as they discuss an act which they did] I'm sorry.

Arthur: You stole my death.

Maurice: [taking off his drag costume] I'm a man!

Sparks: So am I!

Arthur: What a fool you are!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries: I am *not* a fool!

Arthur: Oh, yes you are!

Maurice: Sir, you really sholdn't talk to this gentleman that way. You like the cream puffs. I *don't* like the cream puffs.

Arthur: FUCK THE CREAM PUFFS! THIS MAN IS A SLAVE AND AN IDIOT!

Lily 'Lil': [after hearing Arthur reminisce on Paris] You know Paris quite well.

Maurice: He's never been there.

Arthur: Not physically.

Maurice: [the two are in disguise and Arthur is using a British accent] Should I have an accent, too?

Arthur: What kind?

Maurice: I've always wanted to try Indian.

Arthur: Yeah, but you don't really look Indian.

Maurice: [mocking Burtom] He has blustered his way to success on the backs of the great supporting players for too long and it's time for us to make a stand and say: 'No, no, Burtom! Be gone!' It is time for us to say: 'No, boozy boy! Bye bye, Burtom, bad boy! Have at thee boy! Boozy, boozy boy! Greasy boy! Saggy farty boy! I poke you! I poke you! I poke you!' Something like that.

[first lines]

Maurice: [in German] I have to take a leak.

Kelly: [holding a knife to his neck from behind] Ssh.

Maurice: [they're both sitting in Perrin's apartment] I've got to pee.

François Perrin: [looks at him, then] Go ahead.

Maurice: [gets up, goes over to Perrin and holds out his hand] Come with me.

Maurice: [leaving Perrin's building in a daze when he runs into Perrin coming in] There are three dead men in your house.

François Perrin: Eh?

Maurice: I came looking for you. I came here to shoot you... but there are three dead men in your house.

Maurice: [about his unfaithful wife Paulette] But I've already told you, she's in a delivery truck with a horse!

Dave: You don't give a shit!

Maurice: I give a lot of shit!

Dave: It's a big world.

Maurice: Yea, don't eat it!

Maurice: You have my sympathies, then. You have not yet learned that in this life you have to be like everyone else - the perfect mediocrity; no better, no worse. Individuality's a monster and it must be strangled in it's cradle to make our friends feel confident. You know, I've often thought that the gangster and the artist are the same in the eyes of the masses. They are admired and hero-worshipped, but there is always present underlying wish to see them destroyed at the peak of their glory.

Maurice: I'd like you to call this number and ask for Mr. Stillman. Tell him that Maurice requires his services.

Fisher: Sounds pretty mysterious. What's it all about?

Maurice: There are some things, my dear Fisher, which bear not much looking into. You have undoubtedly heard of the Siberian goatherd who tried to discover the true nature of the sun; he stared up at the heavenly body until it made him blind. There are many things of this sort, including love, and death, and... maybe we'll discuss this later today. Please remember to make that call if I'm not back at 6:30.

Maurice: 'Sup man?

Bill: Contact paranoia... maybe you've heard of it... I'm buggin' out 'cause I'm hangin' out wit you all the time!... I tell you god damnit man...!

Maurice: Well I got bigger problems! I'm tryin' to get this joint lit, that's drug abuse!

Maurice: I'm Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream. All I gotta do is shake my own hand.

Maurice: I'm the ultimate Latin Lover. There ain't no Latin Lover like me.

Maurice: Pain is easy to write. In pain we're all drabbly individual. Now what can one write about happiness?

Maurice: Secrets and lies! We're all in pain! Why can't we share our pain? I've spent my entire life trying to make people happy, and the three people I love the most in the world hate each other's guts, and I'm in the middle! I can't take it anymore!

Maurice: She can't help it; she never had enough love

Maurice: Life isn't fair then is it. Somebody always draws the short straw.

Monica Purley: Can't miss what you never had!

Maurice: Can't you?

Maurice: [singing in his workshop] How does a moment last forever? How can a story never die? / It is love we must hold on to, never easy, but we try / Sometimes our happiness is captured, somehow a time and place stand still, / Love lives on inside our hearts, and always will

Belle: [sees the Beast's silhouette in an upper part of the tower] Who's there? Who are you?

Beast: [angrily] Who are *you*?

Belle: I've come for my father!

Beast: Your father... is a thief!

Belle: Liar!

Beast: He stole a rose.

Belle: I asked for the rose. Punish ME, not him.

Maurice: No, he means forever. Apparently, that's what happens around here when you pick a flower!

Belle: [to the Beast] A life sentence for a rose?

Beast: [leaps down to her section of the tower, but remains hidden in the shadows] I received eternal damnation for one. I'm merely locking him away. Now, do you still wish to take your father's place?

Belle: Come into the light.

[the Beast doesn't move. Belle grabs Lumiere and holds him up to his face. Seeing the Beast's intimidating appearance, she gasps in fear]

Beast: [irked] Choose.

Maurice: I love you, Belle. Don't be afraid.

Belle: I love you, too, Papa. I'm not afraid.

[hugs Maurice]

Belle: And I will escape. I promise.

Belle: Papa, is that you?

Maurice: Belle. How did you find me?

Belle: You're hands are ice. We need to get you home.

Maurice: Belle. Belle, you must leave here at once. This castle is alive. Now go before he finds you!

Belle: Who?

[They both turn to the same direction where they heard the Beast]

Gaston: I am done playing this game of yours. Where is Belle?

Maurice: The Beast took her and she...

Gaston: There are no such things as beasts, or talking teacups, or magic! But there are wolves, frostbite, and starvation!

LeFou: [stands up] Deep breaths, Gaston. Deep breaths.

[Gaston breathes deeply, then turns to Maurice]

Gaston: So, why don't we just turn around, go back to Villeneuve? I'm sure Belle is at home, cooking up a lovely dinner.

Maurice: If you think I've made all this up, then why did you offer to help?

Gaston: Because I want to marry your daughter!... Now, let's go home.

Maurice: Belle is not at home! She is with the...

Gaston: [grabs Maurice] You say beast one more time, I WILL FEED YOU TO THE WOLVES!

LeFou: [tries to stops him] Gaston! Stop it. Breathe, think of happy thoughts, go back to the war, bloods, explosions, countless widows.

Gaston: Widows...

LeFou: Yes, yes. That's it...

[Gaston calms down. LeFou taps his nose]

LeFou: That's it.

[Gaston turns to Maurice, smiling. Maurice recoils]

Gaston: Maurice! Please forgive me, old bean. That's no way to talk to my future father-in-law, now is it?

Maurice: Future father-in-law?

Gaston: Yeah.

Maurice: You will *never* marry my *daughter*.

LeFou: [Beat. Then Gaston furiously punches Maurice in the face, knocking him out] I saw that coming.

Chip: Mom said I wasn't supposed to move because it might be scary. Sorry.

Maurice: It's alright.

[he flees the dining hall in fear]

Gaston: [to Maurice, as he's thrown in a carriage] Have you seen the inside of a mad house, Maurice? You wouldn't last a week. Just give me your daughter and I'll set you free.

Maurice: Never.

[Gaston looks mad, closes the carriage door]

Gaston: Take him away!

Belle: Papa, do you think I'm odd?

Maurice: Odd? My daughter, odd? Where did you get an idea like that?

Belle: I don't know. People talk.

Maurice: So, what can I bring you from the market?

Belle: A rose; like the one in the painting.

Maurice: You ask for that every year.

Belle: And every year, you bring it.

Maurice: Then I shall bring you another. You have my word.

Belle: Goodbye, Papa.

Maurice: Belle, listen to me. It's alright. Now go. Live your life. And forget me.

Belle: Forget you? Everything I am is because of you.

Maurice: Belle, I won't let you do this. I lost your mother. I won't lose you, too. Now go. Go!

[coughs]

Belle: All right, papa. I'll leave.

Maurice: [realizing about Gaston marrying Belle] You will *never* marry my daughter.

Maurice: [Belle hands Rose rattle to Maurice] Where did you...?

Belle: He took me there.

[pause]

Belle: I know what happened to mama.

Maurice: Then you know why I had to leave her there. I had to protect you. I-I've always tried to protect my little girl. Probably too much.

Belle: I understand.

[kisses his hand]

Belle: Will you help me now?

Maurice: It's dangerous.

Belle: Yes. Yes it is.

Maurice: [to Belle] This is a small village, you know. Small minded as well. But small also means safe. Even back in Paris, I knew a girl like you who was so... ahead of her time. So different. People mocked her. Until the day they all found themselves imitating her.

Gaston: Maurice. Thank heavens. I've spent the last 5 days trying to find you.

Maurice: You tried to kill me! You left me to the wolves!

Maurice: I could try to pick the lock. After all, it's - it's only gears and springs.

[he searches the lock with his hands]

Maurice: I would need something long and sharp.

[Belle takes pin out of her hair and hands it to Maurice]

Maurice: Like that. Perfect.

Belle: Please, just tell me one more thing about her.

Maurice: Your mother was... fearless.

[pause]

Maurice: Fearless.

Maurice: Belle, I thought I lost you.

Agathe: Drink.

[offers drink to Maurice]

Maurice: Thank you, Agathe.

Maurice: No. I'm sure this is the way. Do you hear those wolves? That means we're getting very close to the castle.

Gaston: Look, enough is enough. We have to turn back.

Maurice: Stop.

[Gaston stops the cart]

Maurice: That's it. There it is.

[he snaps his finger]

Maurice: That's the tree. I'm sure of it.

[he gets off the cart]

Maurice: It-it was downed by lightening at the time. But now it's... resumed an upright position through some sort of... magic or other.

LeFou: [to Gaston] You really want to marry into this family?

Maurice: So that means that the... the castle is that - No. No, it's -

[motions falling tree with his arm]

Maurice: That way. Definitely that way.

Jean the Potter: Maurice, do you have any proof of what you're saying?

Maurice: [to Gaston] Ask Agathe. She rescued me.

Gaston: You'd hang your accusations on the testimonial of a filthy hag. No offense, Agathe.