Maureen Quotes in You've Got Mail (1998)

Annabelle Fox: Maureen's getting a divorce.

Joe Fox: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

Maureen: [giggling] It's my own fault. Never marry a man who lies.

Joe Fox: That is so wise, yes. Annabelle, remember that.

[first lines]

Maureen: [having just finished singing her audition] Mr. Lanz? I'm done.

Richie Lanz: [long pause] No.

[sighs]

Richie Lanz: Forgive me. No. You're just beginning.

Maureen: You liked it?

Richie Lanz: Liked it? You made me want to swallow poison. And forget pitch, rhythm and tone... and emotional attachment to the lyric or the melody.

Maureen: I'm sorry. I don't think I...

Richie Lanz: A grain of sand slips into an oyster... and irritates the bivalve. What happens?

Maureen: A pearl.

Richie Lanz: Celine Dion. Miss Nicki Minaj. Christina Aguilera occasionally. All of them deeply, profoundly irritating. Each one of 'em a huge star. You - mighty Mo - are that irritant.

[inhales]

Maureen: So you'll represent me?

Richie Lanz: If you'll have me... Richie Lanz Management... globally, in all markets.

Maureen: [squeals, laughs]

Ronnie: [entering] Welcome to the team.

Maureen: Thank you! Thank you. So $1,200?

Richie Lanz: It's just to cover wardrobe, studio time, gym classes.

Maureen: Oh, I go to a gym...

Richie Lanz: Wanna get you a good blender too.

Ben Kalmen: You got your little jokes, you know, the Spanish thing, interests are the same, and the studying. But, um, are you getting it, you know, where it counts?

Maureen: Oh, Ben. Cheston thinks you care about him.

Ben Kalmen: This has nothing to do with him. He's never gonna know about this. Never.

Maureen: Aren't you a little old for all this?

Ben Kalmen: You're still standing here, aren't you?

Maureen: Yeah, 'cause I'm contemplating throwing this drink in your face. But I'm not going to, because I don't want Cheston to know what you just tried. So you can just walk away. Please.

Ben Kalmen: Nothing personal.

Maureen: Hey. That is it, actually. Since you asked, that's what I get from him. Something personal. Besides getting it done where it counts, which he does. Cheston and I reach each other. He's tender and sweet and smart and funny and a million things that you aren't.

Ben Kalmen: I was once, honey. It doesn't last.

Maureen: Hello. National Lotto. Maureen speaking. How may I help you?

Jackie O'Shea: Yes, Maureen, Hello. I wanted to talk to someone about a claim that I'll be making.

Maureen: Do you kiss boys, Muriel?

Muriel: Sometimes, if I like him enough.

Melody: Aren't you frightened?

Muriel: Oh, why should I be frightened? It's quite nice when you get used to it.

Maureen: Oh, for fuck's sake. First you're cleaning your husband's house, now you're cleaning your son's apartment?

Emma: But what do I have if I don't believe in anything?

Maureen: AHHH! You just discovered why people drink.

Emma: I just think there are certain things we don't need to talk about.

Maureen: Well, then... why are you so obsessed with his sex life?

Emma: I'm just worried about him.

Maureen: What, that he's havin' fun?

Emma: No, that... he's... being safe.

Maureen: Well, now at least you know he is - or WAS until you stole his condoms.

Hazel: I'm a nine foot freak!

Maureen: Well how come you're a pregnant, nine foot, freak?

Maureen: And get this. He's a blackfella.

Josh: What, Indian black or African black?

Maureen: No, I mean blackfella black. Near as I could tell, anyhow.

Maureen: The question is: Who's gonna pay me?

Lanny Morris: [narrating] That surprised me. The girl was not a hooker.

[walks into his bedroom]

Lanny Morris: My wallet was on top of my robe. I took out some money, I don't remember how much.

[walks slowly back to the living room, where she is lying on the couch, offering her blanket, which she accepts, pulling it slowly up over her naked body, then offering her the pay-off]

Maureen: [softly] I don't think so.

Lanny Morris: That's more than you would make in a month of tips.

Maureen: I'm not looking for a tip.

Lanny Morris: What the hell are you saying?

Maureen: Honey, I'm in my last year of college. This is my summer job... Er... I wanna write. I wanna be a journalist... If I could either use this information, or I could use a lot of money. I promise you this will only cost you once.

[he nods, and she sleepily settles back on the couch]

Maureen: I'm so tired, I don't even think I'm going home. I think it's the two-in-alls.

[as she is about to drift off:]

Maureen: Hey, Lanny, don't take it personally. You were a great lover. You have got the cutest little butt.

[sighs, smiles]

Maureen: I guess Vince thought so too. Bye, Lanny.

Lanny Morris: [narrating, as she falls asleep] I would never see her alive again.

[walks to door]

Lanny Morris: I put a do-not-disturb sign on my door, fastened the chain lock in case the maid didn't read, I left a wake-up call for eight, and went to sleep knowing that a telethon was the least of the ordeals I was going to have to face in the morning.

Kenny: Monte took the horse!

Maureen: What do you mean?

Kenny: I mean Monte must die!

[first lines]

Mark, Angel, Maureen, Roger, Collins, Benjamin Coffin III, Mimi: Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love... seasons of love.

Maureen: You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends. But it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones.

Maureen: You know what, Miss Ivy League? I can't take much more of this. This obsessive, compulsive, control-freak, paranoia.

Joanne: What?

Maureen: I didn't pierce my nipples 'cause it grossed you out. I didn't stay at the Kink Club last night because you wanted to go home.

Joanne: You were flirting with the woman in rubber.

Maureen: There will always be women in rubber flirting with me! Give me a break!

Maureen: There will always be women in rubber flirting with me...

Maureen: Moo with me... Moooooo

Maureen: [sung] Every single day I walk down the street, I hear people say, "Baby, so sweet." Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me. Boys, girls, I can't help it, baby.

Mimi, Angel: [sung] To hand crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese. To leather, to dildoes, to curry vindaloo. To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou.

Collins, Maureen: [sung] Emotion, devotion to causing a commotion. Creation, vacation...

Mark: [sung] Mucho masturbation.

Joanne: Take me for what I am!

Maureen: A control freak!

Joanne: Who I was meant to be!

Maureen: A snob yet over attentive!

Joanne: and if you give a damn!

Maureen: A loveable droll geek!

Joanne: Take me baby or leave me!

Maureen: And anal retentive!

All: To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross-dressers too!

Maureen: To ME!

Mark: To ME!

All: To you, and you, and you, you, and you! To people living with, living with, living with- not dying from disease!

All: [sung] No other road / No other way / No day but today

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I can't control / My destiny

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] Will I lose my dignity / Will someone care

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I trust my soul / My only goal / Is just to be

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] Will I wake tomorrow / From this nightmare

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] Without you / The hand gropes

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] There's only now / There's only here

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] The ear hears / The pulse beats

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] Give in to love / Or live in fear

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] Life goes on / But I'm gone

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No other path / No other way

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] 'Cause I die / Without you / I die without you

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I die without you / I die without you

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I die without you / I die without you

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

All: [sung] NO DAY BUT TODAY!

Maureen: Look, gimme that, I'm sick and tired of you always carrying that around

[takes camera]

Mark: Maureen, no! Your gonna break it!

Maureen: [while filming Mark and slightly running from him] Hey Mark! Happy New Years, Mark!

Mark: No! This is NOT my barmitzvah give it back to me!

Maureen: There will always be women in rubber flirting with me!

Collins, Mark, Maureen, Mimi, Joanne, Angel, Roger Davis: To people living with, living with, living with... not dying from disease. Let he among us without sin be the first to condem La Vie Boheme.

Maureen: [in a very slinky rubber cat suit on New Year's Eve - talking to Mark's camera] Hii-yah! Whatchu want, huh?

Mark: [Filming her] You can take the girl outta Hicksville, but you can't take the Hicksville outta the girl.

Maureen: All you had to do was ask, and I'm yours.

Maureen: [sung] I've gotta get outta here! It's like I'm being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck being packed in with fertilizer, and fuel oil. Pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse. I've gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta find a way... to jump over the moon.

Joanne, Collins, Mark, Angel, Mimi, Maureen, Roger, Benjamin Coffin III: All Its time now to sing out, though the story never ends. Lets celebrate remember the year of the life of friends. Remember the love.

Joanne: You got to, you got to remember the love.

Collins, Mark, Angel, Mimi, Maureen, Roger, Benjamin Coffin III: Remember the love.

Joanne: You know that love us a gift from up above.

Collins, Mark, Angel, Mimi, Maureen, Roger, Benjamin Coffin III: Remember the love.

Joanne: Share love, give love, spread love.

Maureen: [sung] A tiger in a cage can never see the sun! This diva needs her stage, baby, let's have fun!

Collins, Mark, Maureen, Roger, Mimi, Joanne: No day but today!

Maureen: Aren't the police a dirty lot, hobnobbing with British soldiers!

Const. O'Connor: I heard that, Maureen Cassidy!

Maureen: You were meant to, Constable O'Connor!

Corporal: Good morning. Blowy day?

Maureen: Yes, Corporal - it's the wind!

Corporal: Only want to be friendly, kids.

Irish Girl: Then go back to London, and write us a letter!

Corporal: I don't come from London, love.

Maureen's boyfriend: Go anyway.

Father Collins: [Collins has come across the townspeople tormenting Michael] What am I to do with you? What?

Maureen: Actually, it's only a bit of fun, Father.

Father Collins: Are you brainless, Maureen Cassidy, or what? Fun. Devil take me if the lot of you's not possessed and damned!

Young Diana: Maureen, what did I do to deserve a friend like you?

Maureen: Um, something in a past life?

Maureen: How did you do on that test?

Young Diana: I did ok, I got the one about the heart...

Young Diana: I don't really think that's true though, Maureen - -about it being the strongest muscle...

Young Diana: [crying] I don't think in my case it is at all.

Young Diana: [first lines - smoking in the locker room] That old bitch! I'm serious, if I have to jump over another pummel horse, or whatever they're called.

Maureen: You guys should probably put that out.

Young Diana: Why?

Maureen: Shrankins is like 5 feet behind me.