Maude Lebowski Quotes in The Big Lebowski (1998)

[Maude shows the porn video starring Bunny to the Dude]

Sherry in 'Logjammin': [on video] You must be here to fix the cable.

Maude Lebowski: Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.

The Dude: He fixes the cable?

Maude Lebowski: Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation?

The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?

Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

The Dude: Oh yeah?

Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.

The Dude: Johnson?

Maude Lebowski: It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. But unfortunately there are some people - it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women - who engage in it compulsively and without joy. Yes, Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these.

The Dude: Listen, Maude, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but I don't see what it has to do with - do you have any Kahlúa?

Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude: 'Scuse me?

Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

The Dude: I was talking about my rug.

Maude Lebowski: You're not interested in sex?

The Dude: You mean coitus?

The Dude: Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?

Maude Lebowski: Mmm.

The Dude: That was me... and six other guys.

Maude Lebowski: The story is ludicrous.

The Dude: Also, my rug was stolen.

Younger Cop: The rug was in the car?

The Dude: No. It was here.

Younger Cop: [eager] Oh, separate incidents.

Maude Lebowski: [on answering machine] Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need to see you. I'm the one who took your rug.

Younger Cop: Well. I guess we can close the file on that one.

Maude Lebowski: My father's weakness is vanity, hence the slut.

Maude Lebowski: My father and I don't get along, he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. Still, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to.

The Dude: Well, I could do that...

Maude Lebowski: If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10 percent of the recovered sum.

The Dude: [stunned] A hundred...

Maude Lebowski: Thousand, yes bones or clams or whatever you call them.

Maude Lebowski: Uli Kunkol? Her co-star in the beaver picture?

The Dude: Beaver? Uhhhh, you mean vagina...? I mean, you know the guy?

Maude Lebowski: Oh, I might have introduced them for all I know.

[looks at Knox]

Maude Lebowski: You remember Uli?

Knox Harrington: Mmmmm.

Maude Lebowski: Now, what happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as well?

The Dude: Ah, no that was the chief of police of Malibu. A real reactionary.

The Dude: Uh, and then, uh, the music business, briefly.

Maude Lebowski: Oh?

The Dude: Yeah. Roadie for Metallica

Maude Lebowski: Oh.

The Dude: Speed of Sound Tour

Maude Lebowski: Mm-hmm.

The Dude: Bunch of assholes.

Maude Lebowski: Jeffrey.

The Dude: ...Maude?

Maude Lebowski: Love me.

The Dude: That's my robe.