Matthew Quotes in Doctor Dolittle (1967)

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Matthew Quotes:

  • Dr. Dolittle: [consulting a medical book] This fellow obviously knows what he's talking about.

    Matthew: Who wrote the book, Doctor?

    Dr. Dolittle: [suddenly realizing] Er... oh, *I* did.

  • Dr. Dolittle: Oh it's from Long Arrow.

    Matthew: Who's he when he's at home?

    Dr. Dolittle: An old friend of mine. He's a Red Indian gentleman.

    Matthew: With a name like "Long Arrow" I didn't think he'd be Irish.

  • Matthew: I told you 'Flounder' was a terrible name for a boat!

  • Matthew: [after the shipwreck when they are locked up on the floating island] You know, bein' is prison is much the same as being on a boat. Except in prison there's less chance of drowning.

  • Matthew: [after breaking the Doctor out of prison and escaping by ship] If you ask me, bein' at sea is very much the same as bein' in prison, except at sea ya stand a better chance of drownin'.

  • Matthew: Look, we have to keep records. It's the law.

    Simon Peter: Is it the law to cheat? And steal? And line your own pockets? Is that the law? Traitor?

  • Mary Magdalene: [rambling] Hands off me! I'll give you murderers! Your money.

    [tosses money at tax collectors]

    Mary Magdalene: Your money!

    Tax Collector: Leave this one. She's the mad woman from Magdala.

    Matthew: [wearily] How much does she owe?

    Simon Peter: Nothing! And nor do we! We caught nothing, no catch, no money. We're not paying taxes for thin air!

    Mary Magdalene: [muttering] I told the emperor. I told the emperor about you.

  • Jesus: [to the paralyzed man] My friend, your sins are forgiven you.

    Matthew: [to himself] Sins... forgiven?

    Ben Azra: [thinking] Who can forgive sins but God?

    Jesus: [looking at Ben Azra] Let me ask you a question. Which is easier to say? "Your sins are forgiven you" or "Get up and walk?" But to prove the Son of Man has the power to forgive sins

    [turns to paralyzed man]

    Jesus: I command you, take up your mat and walk.

  • [first lines]

    [first spoken lines are over 6 minutes into the film]

    Man: ...there's the country every second bastard born is fathered by a priest.

    Matthew: [clears throat to get More's attention]

    Man: Why, in Utopia, that couldn't be.

    Man: But why?

    Man: Well, there the priests are very holy.

    Man: Therefore, very few.

    Sir Thomas More: Is it anything interesting, Matthew?

    Matthew: Bless you, sir, I don't know.

    Sir Thomas More: Bless you too, Matthew.

  • Matthew: Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically

    [mumbling]

    Matthew: being a fucking boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about.

  • [repeated line]

    Matthew: It's not funny.

    Danielle: It's a little funny.

  • Danielle: Thank you.

    Matthew: For what?

    Danielle: I never went to prom.

  • Matthew: Matthew Kidman. I will always remember... The three legs of the tripod. My business partner. My student advisor. The next Einstein. Eli's calling card. Klitz's big debut. My own scholarship to Georgetown. And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I'm just going with it.

  • Eli: Dude!

    Matthew: I know.

    Klitz: Dude!

    Matthew: I know.

  • Matthew: Why didn't you just tell me?

    Danielle: Because I didn't want to! Because I loved the way you looked at me. You don't understand how hard...

    [walks away]

    Matthew: Wait!

    Danielle: [shouts] Fuck you.

  • Matthew: Why are you doing this?

    Danielle: What?

    Matthew: This.

    Danielle: Isn't that what you want? To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel? So this is what you really think of me.

  • Matthew: Okay.

    Kelly: Okay what?

    Matthew: [dares Kelly] Show 'em the tape.

    Kelly: I'm not fuckin' around.

    Matthew: I just don't care anymore.

    Kelly: This... is gonna be interesting.

  • Eli: Dude, don't mess this up.

    Matthew: Mess what up?

    Eli: Matt, she's a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast!

    Matthew: Eli, I like this girl.

    Eli: And you can still like her with your penis inside her. Matthew, I tell you that you're going to regret this. What would JFK do? You know he'd tap that ass.

    Matthew: Eli, I'm never going to see her again.

    Eli: Oh, you know what? Fine!

    Matthew: Fine!

    Eli: Fine!

    [pause during scene change]

    Eli: Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don't fuck her, I'll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please, Matt! Fuck her for me! For me!

  • Matthew: [to Samnang] You better cure cancer, kid.

  • Danielle: Ooh, boxers.

    Matthew: I always wear boxers. You just caught me on a weird day.

  • [last lines]

    Matthew: [narrating] And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I'm just goin' with it.

  • Matthew: I just feel so weird...

    Danielle: Shh. Relax. Ecstasy is not that bad.

    Matthew: What?

    Danielle: Kelly likes dosing people with E.

    Matthew: Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?

  • Matthew: I just wanna let you know, I know who you really are, and you're better than this.

  • Matthew: Excuse me.

    [starts making out with Danielle]

  • Matthew: [awkwardly driving with Danielle] It's such a long road, you know?

  • Danielle: [about Hunter and his crew] Look. They're coming to you.

    Hunter: Yo, Matt.

    Matthew: What's up?

    Hunter: What's up. Can we talk to you for a second?

    Matthew: Dude, I'm with my girl.

    Hunter: Oh, sorry man. Should we come back?

    Danielle: No, I'll leave you guys alone.

    [gets up to leave, and passionately kisses Matt]

    Matthew: [turns to watch Danielle leave, folds his arms behind his head, then nonchalantly] What's up?

  • Matthew: I'm in so much trouble.

  • Matthew: Hey, there's the big daddy!

    Dr. Salinger: Matthew, what has been going on?

    Matthew: Some serious shit.

  • Matthew: [high] Heyyy, it's my competition! Ryan, what's up my man?

    Ryan: Jesus, what happened to you?

    Matthew: Just living life, my man.

  • Kelly: Sometimes in life if you wanna do something good, you gotta do something bad.

    Matthew: Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.

    Kelly: This is politics.

  • Kelly: If I'm gonna do this payment plan thing, I need a show of good faith, you know, something concrete.

    Matthew: Well, like what?

    Kelly: A blow job.

    Matthew: Nah, I told you. She's not gonna do that anymore.

    Kelly: Who said anything about her?

    [beat]

    Kelly: Yeah. We're definitely outside the box now, huh? Now you gotta ask yourself, how far are you willing to go, hmm? How much do you really care about her?

    [Kelly unzips his pants, then starts laughing]

    Kelly: I'm joking, man! Relax. Damn! Do I look gay to you?

  • Matthew: What happened?

    Eli: Things got bad.

    Klitz: BOLT! BOLT!

    Klitz: [running away] Dude, wait up!

    Eli: [running in front of Klitz] Fuck you, dude!

  • Matthew: Oh my god, she's so hot.

    Eli: What channel, dude?

  • Matthew: Do you have the fever?

    Klitz: No. Why? Do you?

    Matthew: I don't know. Maybe.

    [turns to Eli]

    Matthew: 'Bout you?

    Eli: I just gotta fuck something.

  • Matthew: Well, I don't speak a foreign language, so that's out. And I can't quote John F. Kennedy now, can I, Ryan?

  • Karate Guy in Porn Film: Oooh, excellent, grasshopper. And now, for the final task of your training.

    Danielle: You're gonna need a harder piece of wood that that, cowboy.

    Matthew: That's not her.

    Eli: Yeah, it is.

    Matthew: Oh, no.

  • [after Matt's parents and Dr. Salinger leave the dining room table, both Matt and Kelly have a private conversation with an assumed adult film tape Eli and his "minions" made during prom night]

    Kelly: [turning cross] So how was Prom?

    Matthew: That's mine.

    Kelly: You know, we were gettin' along fine. But now you go and do this? This was my idea. Now I'm really gonna fuck your shit up!

    Matthew: I'm gonna need that back.

    Kelly: Oh.

    [Kelly pushes the tape towards him]

    Kelly: Take it from me.

    [Matt leans forward and thinks about it, but Kelly thinks he's chicken]

    Kelly: Yeah. What are you gonna do?

    Matthew: [becomes brave] I don't have to do anything. Hugo Posh will. He's my partner on this 50-50. So... can I please have my tape back?

    Kelly: FUCK...!

    [coughs, then whispers]

    Kelly: Fuck you. I'm takin' your half then.

    Matthew: No. That money's going to Samnang. The money you stole from him!

    Kelly: You say that like I care. I don't give a shit! You're giving me your half.

    Matthew: And if I don't?

    Kelly: [picks up the tape] Showtime.

  • Mr. Peterson: [while both recieving lap dances] So, what was the scholarship for?

    Matthew: Moral fiber.

  • Matthew: [repeated line]

    Matthew: Fuck it.

  • Matthew: I have a question for you real quick Mr S, I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?

    Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.

    Matthew: Just not at all?

    Aldous Snow: No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.

    Matthew: [whispering] Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip! You fucking dick!

    [leaves]

    Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.

  • Matthew: Oh ok, I'll just go fuck myself then.

  • Matthew: [on the phone at the restaurant] Well I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of *work,* so I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done.

  • Matthew: Hey, how's it going?

    Peter Bretter: Hey, I'd like to grab some dinner, please.

    Matthew: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?

    Peter Bretter: No.

    Matthew: Your girlfriend?

    Peter Bretter: No, I don't have a girlfriend, so...

    Matthew: [confused] You're just by yourself?

    Peter Bretter: Yeah.

    Matthew: Sucks. Okay, so just one. Here's your wine list, your menu, come on. You want, like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting by yourself.

    Peter Bretter: No, I'll be alright. Thank you.

    Matthew: I would just be *so* depressed.

  • Matthew: Alright so i came here, to give you my demo. I just... I... I... I worship you and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just, take a listen, and...

    [sighs]

    Matthew: ok. 'Cuz you know what, you don't wanna be the guy sittin' there, watchin' BBC, and sayin,

    [in British accent]

    Matthew: "Oh! I saw that guy! He was my waiter and I totally dismissed him like everybody else does... in his life. And I totally, she was wrong cuz he's a major, major, major influence on me now... and I feel terrible!"

    Aldous Snow: That stupid English voice, was that, me?

    Matthew: Unfortunately, yes.

  • [from trailer]

    Matthew: I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it?

    Aldous Snow: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.

  • Matthew: I just went from six to midnight.

  • Lainey: I know that you stop breathing when you kiss, that when you lean in to whisper you put your lips right ence the back of my earlobe, that you kiss the back of my neck before you slip my coat over my shoulders. I remember every compliment you ever gave me, everything you ever did to me in bed. And the day you made me yours, the day you said; "Elaine, I wish I could've known you when you were a little girl, so that I could've been...

    Matthew: Could've been your true love. I remember too, you know.

    Lainey: Would any of it sound familiar to Emma?

    Matthew: Some, yeah.

    Lainey: I don't think she needs to know the things she holds close to her heart were rehearsed on someone else.

  • [at Gareth's funeral]

    Matthew: Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him: 'Fat' seems to have been a word people most connected with him. 'Terribly rude' also rang a lot of bells. So very 'fat' and very 'rude' seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint. On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me and let me know that you loved him, which I know he would have been thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality, his strange experimental cooking: the recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. But I hope joyful is how you will remember him, not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met. As for me, you may ask how I will remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W.H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'. Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest; My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good."

  • Charles: Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say, "Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night?"

    Matthew: Well, if there are, they're not English.

  • Charles: [thinking they're running really late] Time.

    Matthew: Honestly?

    Charles: Yes! Time!

    Matthew: It's about ten to nine.

    [Charles runs off, realises what Matthew said and returns to the car]

    Charles: Bastards.

  • Father Gerald: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, & the Holy Spirit, Amen. Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a mystery. A symbol of Christ's love for his children. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your son Jesus Christ our Lord who lives and wraiths with you and the Holy Ghoat. Eh *Ghost.* One God, forever and ever, Amen.

    Matthew: This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.

    Charles: Ahhh, Excellent!

    Father Gerald: Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

    Bernard: I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

    Father Gerald: ...why I, Lydia...

    Bernard: ...why I, Bernard...

    Father Gerald: Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...

    Bernard: Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin Delainey...

    Father Gerald: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.

    Bernard: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.

    Father Gerald: Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

    Lydia: I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

    Father Gerald: May not be Johned in matrimony...

    Lydia: May not be *joined* in matrimony...

    Father Gerald: to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.

    Lydia: to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.

    Father Gerald: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...

    Bernard: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...

    Father Gerald: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.

    Bernard: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful* wedded wife.

    Father Gerald: *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.

    Congregation: Amen!

    Gareth: Bravo! Bravo!

    [Everyone cheers]

  • Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?

    Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.

    Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.

  • Fiona: [about congratulating parents of bride and groom] God, I never know what to say in these ghastly line-ups.

    Gareth: It's a cinch! Just give a big warm hug and say the bride looks... pregnant.

    Matthew: Or you can stick with convention and say "You must be very proud."

    Fiona: Heaven preserve us...

    [in the line]

    Fiona: You must be very proud!

  • Fiona: Where's Gareth?

    Matthew: Torturing Americans.

    Fiona: How thoughtful of him.

  • Matthew: I remember the first time I saw Gareth on a dancefloor. I feared lives would be lost.

  • Serena: Excuse me?

    [points out Charles's brother, who is talking to Charles in sign language]

    Serena: Who's the boy over there? In the grey?

    Matthew: Name's David.

    Serena: [watching David admiringly] He's something of a dish, isn't he.

    Matthew: I've always thought so.

    Serena: Why are they... why are they...?

    [mimicking the sign language]

    Matthew: Oh, the dish can't hear.

    Serena: Gosh...

    Matthew: Yeah. Silent, but deadly attractive.

  • Charles: All these weddings, all these years, all that blasted salmon and champagne and here I am on my own wedding day, and I'm... eh... em... eh... still thinking.

    Matthew: Well, can I ask about what?

    Charles: No... no... I think, best not.

  • Matthew: Sorry we're so late. The others are just parking the car, I thought we'd all go with Tom.

    Charles: Late? So late?

    Matthew: Yeah. It's 9:45.

    Charles: 9:45?

    Matthew: Yep. 45 minutes until "I do".

  • Matthew: Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week. I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you. Even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May May". I will only pass gas underneath the covers and only under the direst of circumstances. Hell, I'll go on a low cholesterol diet. And I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I hit my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week, even if your mom is a big witch with a capital B. And your folks don't have to go to a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare, I'll separate the whites from the colors, I'll learn the mysteries of hot and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on your makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog can save your life from drowning, but a cat can't. I will happily go see chick flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice". I'll make a point to trying new food like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle". I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me! And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those male bikini style underwear if you like. My belly button will always be lint free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever had. I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die.

  • Matthew: Isn't American cheese appropriately named? You know, it's fake and processed, just like America.

  • Matthew: I think the only 'ists' there should be are humanists.

  • Matthew: There are no clearly defined rules between men and women. So, each side thinks they're playing fair and each side thinks they're being cheated. Maybe, this is why men and women have the innate ability to bring out the poison in one another.

  • [Patty notices Matt staring at her skirt]

    Patty: You like my skirt, but you're thinking, "If her skirt were any shorter, she'd have another pair of cheeks to powder, and have to put gloss on another pair of lips."

    Matthew: I... I wasn't thinking any of those things. I think you're a nice girl.

    [voice-over]

    Matthew: I was lying. I *did* think all of those things.

  • Matthew: Y'know, I wonder why God equipped women with all the weapons for seduction.

    Rod: What do you mean?

    Matthew: Well, take the breast for example. You have the bosom, the areola, the nipple. I mean, those are three concentric circles. In other words, it's a bullseye! It's no wonder the breast is the target for all men.

    Rod: Wow. That's profound.

    Matthew: And men are grotesque. I'm not just talking about the little habits we have...

    [Rod starts cleaning his ears with his car keys]

    Matthew: ...like cleaning our ears with our car keys. I mean, we're grotesque to the core. I mean, look at the penis. The penis... it just looks like God had some left-over skin when he was making elbow, and He decided to slap it in our groin...

    Rod: Hey, get that outta here! It freaks me out, ok?

    Matthew: I mean, the penis is the first to shrivel when it's cold, it's the first to shrink in fear. The penis is a coward. It's a cowardly flap of left-over elbow flesh.

    Rod: Maybe you wouldn't think that way if you had a little of my Penile Power, baby!

    [laughs]

  • Matthew: I had learned something from Rod's groinular fixation. His horror really was my horror too. It was *every* man's horror. Deny it we may, but we are all afraid of women. Every single one of them. Time had run out. Finals were in a week. Soon, everyone would be leaving the dorms. And next semester, some would relocate to off-campus housing. If I had any hope of finding my kismetic destiny, I had to face my greatest fear. I went to the Virgin Vault, and I declared my love in front of 100 girls. I explained everything I had done for my kismetic destiny. My speech must be my Sistine Chapel, my Ninth Symphony, my Citizen Kane. My words needed to be more inspirational than Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech. They had to be more miraculous than Mark McGuire's 70th home run. I used impressive words like "soul mate," "destiny," and "yearn." It takes a big man to yearn. I poured my heart out.

  • Matthew: [Looking at Cynthia] How can a guy have a real conversation with a girl like this when we're made so helpless? In the animal kingdom, when two members of a pack stare at each other, it is a test of dominance. The first one to look away is considered the weaker. When this happens between a man and a woman, the cards are stacked against a man. 'Cause, let's face it, every time a guy meets a girl, he wants to check out her breasts. A man must summon all of his will not to look down at those golden orbs, whose wonderous tips are upturned, aimed right at his eyes.

    [after staring at each other for a long time, Matt finally gives in and looks down at Cynthia's breasts]

    Matthew: Once a man loses his test of nerves, a woman knows she has a great secret power over him, and she can get him do anything she wants. Like a sexual sorceress, Cynthia had several men under her spell.

  • [Matt tries to distract Crick away from Patty]

    Matthew: You know something, Crick. I was wondering. Do the bad guys of the world really know they're being bad? Or do the bad guys actually just think they're being good guys, when, in fact, they're just acting like sphincters?

    Crick: I don't know. You tell me, "smart guy!"

    Matthew: So you really think you're a good guy?

    Crick: Yeah, I know I am! See, you're the one who's trying to steal my chick! I'm the cool one!

    Matthew: Cool? Oh, that's another thing that just bothers me. I was just reading that one in six people in the world think they're cool. What is that? Like, a BILLION people are cool? That just can't possibly be right! If everybody's cool, then really, nobody is cool.

    Crick: You don't know what you're talking about, guy!

    Matthew: Look at you! I mean, the modern day media, the magazines, the TV. They show us what coolness is, so that you ponytail pretenders can go out there and buy coolness, thus fooling the weak-minded and unsuspected!

  • Matthew: Men have this anti-intimacy force field around them. It is powered by sarcasm, humor, and aversion.

  • Matthew: It was if I was a perverted Prince Charming. Instead of possessing Cinderella's glass slippers, I had her panties.

  • [first lines]

    Matthew: One hundred girls. And one of them is my true love, my forever soul mate, the Betty to my Barney, my kismetic destiny. The problem is I don't know who she is.

  • Matthew: It must have been the cloak of darkness concealing my usual romantic retardation, because that night, I was smart. I was funny. I was invincible.

  • Matthew: I've seen you around. You're a natural born hipster.

    Crick: Natural born hipster?

    Matthew: Yeah. The next evolution of a jock. You traded in your letterman jacket for a manicured goatee and a Eurotrash ponytail. You're the worst kind of cool. You're the kind of guy who wears male make-up. A real fashion plate. You're proof that those boy-toy doofuses in those men's magazines are all rump rangers.

  • Matthew: [upon seeing Crick knocking on Patty's door, and shouting her name] You are not going to bother her again!

    Crick: You, go to hell!

    Matthew: I am turning you in.

    Crick: What for?

    Matthew: [voice over] I fought through the shame to bring out the truth.

    [to Crick]

    Matthew: I'm going to the police. You sexually assaulted me.

    [Crick gave a sign of disbelief, so Matthew showed him the tongue he bit off him days before]

    Crick: You'll never gonna prove it!

  • Matthew: In the morning she was gone. I had to find her.

  • Rod: You're pathetic man. I mean you lose your virginity and you don't even get the girls name.

    Matthew: [pointing at the weight dangling between Rod's legs] What the hell is that?

    Rod: It's penile power man. I got it out of an ad in a magazine. I mean, it's going to help me increase my length and girth, all just by hanging weights from my cock, man. Check it out man. I'm up to five pounds.

  • Rod: You know, all you gotta do is find the matching bra to those panties and bam! Mystery solved!

    Matthew: That's not a half bad idea.

    Rod: Yeah.

  • Rod: What are you? A Wyllie E. Coyote super genius or something?

    Matthew: Yeah. Something like that.

    Rod: Wait, the Coyote never caught the Roadrunner.

  • Matthew: Hi, I'm Matt, the new ward study maintenance man. I had a call about some rats.

  • Matthew: Hey, what are these? Are these... Are these stress balls? Like, you know to relieve tension, like uh... like Humphrey Bogart did in that old movie. What was it called? He was like, there are three ways to do things aboard my vessel. The right way, the wrong way and my way. If you do things my way, we'll get along just fine.

    Patty: Those are my Ben Wa Balls.

    Matthew: What?

    Patty: Ben Wa Balls. You know, I put them inside of me, I rock my legs and I get off.

    Matthew: Really?

  • Rod: So what are you gonna do about this girl, huh?

    Matthew: You know what, she left these

    [handing Rod a pair of panties]

    Rod: Let me see them.

    [sniffs]

    Rod: I don't recognize this one.

    Matthew: Hey, give them back.

  • [Matt has discovered that he can speak coherently to Cynthia when he's dressed up as Francesca]

    Matthew: It's just easier to talk to Cynthia as a girl than as a guy. There's just nothing at stake.

    Wendy: How do you mean?

    Matthew: When you're a guy talking to a girl like Cynthia, you're going for all the marbles. I mean, she's the Super Bowl of women! And you know that if you screw up, and she rejects you, then every other girl after Cynthia is gonna seem like a compromise. And you just know that you weren't good enough to get a girl like her. That's why I don't talk to girls in her league. I just don't want to know that I've crashed and burned, and won't ever get the opportunity to put her Super Bowl ring around my eleventh finger.

  • Matthew: One time a company I worked for transferred me to an island in the Pacific. Fantastic place. I invited my girl to visit me. I sent her a postcard everyday with a single word on each card. I wrote "Found a virgin paradise. It's yours. Matthew." Narturally, they were delivered in the wrong order. The message she got was "Found a virgin. It's paradise. Yours, Matthew." Never heard from her again.

  • Victor: You can't go.

    Matthew: I'll be back but I have to go first.

  • Matthew: You only live once, but it does help if you get to be young twice.

  • Matthew: [about their daughters] They'll be all right. They're good girls.

    Victor: Yeah. Let's go find some bad ones.

  • Matthew: It was just what I needed: a one inch god with a two inch penis.

  • Victor: "Poor bastard", huh? If I ever get my hands on him, I'll beat him to death, that'll unconfuse him.

    Matthew: A beating is not the way, my friend.

    Eduardo Marques: He's right, you know?

    Matthew: Personally, I prefer torture.

  • Matthew: We get along great, we laugh together, we like the same music, the same sports, we get along just great.

    Soda Shop Counterman: Then what's the problem?

    Matthew: She don't know I'm a boy.

  • Matthew: Gimme another one.

    Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, you've had enough. You're gonna spoil your dinner. Why don't you go on home?

    Matthew: No, I don't want to go home. Come on, gimme another one.

    Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, the way you're drinkin', you must have a girl problem.

    Matthew: Yeah.

    Soda Shop Counterman: Tell me about it. Maybe I could help.

    Matthew: How could *you* help *me*?

    Soda Shop Counterman: With girls, I been through it all. I been stood up, shook up, hung up, screwed up, and tied up. What's your problem? Y'all have a fight?

    Matthew: No, no, no, we never fight. No, we get along great. We laugh together, we like the same music, the same sports. No, we get along just great.

    Soda Shop Counterman: Then what's the problem?

    Matthew: She don't know I'm a boy.

    Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, with this girl, I don't know what you're doin', but you must be doin' it wrong.

  • Matthew: No, he's not a stranger. He's just strange.

  • Chester: You've got to change your behavior.

    Matthew: Oh and what'd I do?

    Chester: What'd you do? A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger and tell their coach, "Up yours!" A girl doesn't refer to the referee a blind bastard. A girl doesn't slap another girl on the ass and say, "You're hot stuff!" And a girl doesn't say "I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!"

  • [Chester is helping Matthew adjust his wig in a dressing room while a lady outside eavesdrops]

    Chester: Just remember, we gotta be careful. I don't want your mother to find out, she'll kill me.

    Matthew: God, I can't believe I'm doing this!

    Chester: Don't worry, I'll be finished soon.

    Matthew: Ow! Take it easy, that hurts!

    Chester: Don't worry, if it's too tight you'll get used to it.

  • [Matthew walks in dressed as Martha]

    Bess: Matthew?

    Matthew: Mom!

    Chester: Martha!

    Bess: Chester?

    Chester: Bess!

  • Bess: [answers the car phone] Hello. Yeah, yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Chester, it's Martha.

    Chester: [drives off the road]

    Bess: Chester!

    Chester: I'm sorry. I thought I saw a raccoon.

    [takes the phone]

    Chester: Martha, why are you calling me?

    Matthew: Would you rather I call my mother, Chester?

    Chester: [laughingly] No, no, no, no, no, no.

    Matthew: Listen, Chester, I'm in big trouble. I'm at the Mullen's house. Mrs. Mullen took all the girls to her house after practice. She insisted that I go with them.

    Chester: Well, just have your ice cream and cake and go home.

    [laughs nervously]

    Matthew: Oh, listen, genius, if it was that simple, I wouldn't have called you.

    [whispers]

    Matthew: Now all the girls are going skinny-dipping.

    Chester: [drives off the road again] I tell you, Bess, those raccoons are all over the place.

  • Julie: [to the goalie] Good hands!

    Matthew: Good save!

    Julie: Good girl!

    Chester: Goody, goody!

  • [Attempting seduction.]

    Matthew: Melissa, did you know that women experience 63% more heightened sensitivity during the arousal phase than during climax itself?

    Melissa: Really? I like all the phases.

  • [Several minutes into the attempted seduction.]

    Melissa: What's the matter?

    Matthew: We have a problem.

    Melissa: Well, what is it?

    Matthew: I can't. I'm sorry.

    Melissa: Is it me?

    Matthew: No no no, it's not you. It's me. I'm not attracted to you.

    Melissa: Oh.

    Matthew: Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection, but as an acceptance between two people whose needs are profoundly incompatible. And you're not alone. I devote an entire chapter to this in my book.

  • [Melissa's dream.]

    Matthew: I lied. I was extremely attracted to you. I just didn't want you to see my unusually small penis.

  • Matthew: Melissa, you're not leaving us, are you? Melissa, seeking escape from a challenging environment points to potentially very serious personality deficits. You really ought to consider analysis--

    [with a small scream she pushes him into the swimming pool]

    Matthew: Bitch!

  • Melissa: You know, Matthew's a psychologist. I just love therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy.

    Matthew: That would be good for me. Actually, I'm here to do reseach for a book I'm writing, on the psycho-sexual tendencies of pre-menopausal females.

    Vinny: Yeah, me too.

  • Matthew: Enter the fuckin' dragon!

  • Matthew: You fucking Anglo-Saxon!

  • Maria: Not because you love me or anything like that?

    Matthew: I respect and admire you.

    Maria: Is that love?

    Matthew: No, that's respect and admiration.

  • Maria: Can you stop watching TV for a minute?

    Matthew: No.

    Maria: Why?

    Matthew: Because. I had a bad day at work. I had to subvert my principles and kow-tow to an idiot. Television makes these daily sacrifices possible. Deadens the inner core of my being.

  • Matthew: How long do you think it'll take?

    Maria Coughlin: I don't know. Not long, i guess.

    Matthew: Are you okay?

    Maria Coughlin: Yeah. You?

    Matthew: I feel like smashing things up.

    Maria Coughlin: Relax. There's nothing to worry about. Why don't you go for a walk.

    Matthew: I don't wanna take a walk. You sure you wanna go through with this?

    Maria Coughlin: What do you mean?

    Matthew: Marry me.

    Maria Coughlin: Don't be crazy.

    Matthew: Marry me! Have the baby, we'll be a family.

    Maria Coughlin: You're delirious.

    Matthew: Sorry.

    Maria Coughlin: It's okay.

    Matthew: How long do you think it'll take?

    Maria Coughlin: I don't know. Not long, i guess.

    Matthew: Are you okay?

    Maria Coughlin: Yeah. You?

    Matthew: I feel like tearing somebody's head off.

  • Maria: Your job is making you boring and mean.

    Matthew: My job is making me a respectable member of society.

  • Matthew: [cries] I need to tell you...

    Jennifer: Shh! I know, Matthew...

    [pause]

    Jennifer: I know this wasn't your fault. You tried to help me...

    Matthew: I did! I really really did! And... and... and you're okay...

    [pause]

    Matthew: You're... you're okay!

    Jennifer: Yes, Matthew. Now come. Come on! It's okay. It's okay...

    Matthew: [crying] I'm so sorry!

    Jennifer: Shhhh! Come on...

    Matthew: [sobs] I'M SO SORRY! OH, GOD!

    [settles down a bit]

    Matthew: l'm so sorry!

    Jennifer: Matthew...

    [pause]

    Jennifer: Matthew!

    Matthew: Yeah?

    Jennifer: Matthew, look at me!

    Matthew: Yeah...

    Jennifer: Tell me again how sorry you are.

    Matthew: I'm... I'm...

    [cries out]

    Matthew: I'M SORRY!

    Jennifer: [pause]

    [she suddenly wraps a rope around Matthew's neck and chokes him]

    Jennifer: IT'S JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

    [Matthew gags and chokes as Jennifer pulls him away]

  • Matthew: [checking her water] All fixed!

    Jennifer: Oh, thank you!

    [Jennifer runs up to Matthew and gives him a friendly kiss on his cheek; he steps back and stammers]

    Jennifer: Sorry, you saved me from having to bathe in the lake!

    [laughs]

    Matthew: I, uh - excuse me...

    [Matthews grabs his plunging tools and quickly runs out of Jennifer's cabin]

  • Johnny: You don't think l can have that anytime l want to?

    [pause]

    Johnny: Hmm?

    [another pause]

    Johnny: Let me tell you something: Bitch like that... she come out here for one reason and one reason only; titties flopping in the window like that for everyone to see. Come on, you know...

    Matthew: [stutters] No... no! She's not like that, Johnny...

    Johnny: They're all like that! Big city, cock-teasing whore is all she is!

    [pause]

    Johnny: Fuckin' A. Shit, Matthew!

    [pause]

    Johnny: You wouldn't know what to do with a piece of ass like that if you got it. But you're lucky 'cause I'm your friend.

    [pause]

    Johnny: I'll show you the way.

  • Johnny: [grabs Jennifer] Matthew, get your clothes off, boy. We're gonna get your cherry popped!

    [Matthew shakes his head]

    Johnny: Matthew, I ain't asking you a question!

    [Matthew fondles with the rubber bands on his wrist]

    Johnny: STOP WITH THAT RUBBER BAND SHIT, HOMO!

    Stanley: [holds his camcorder on Matthew, egging him on] You wanna talk the talk, you better walk the walk!

    Matthew: [stutters] I'm walking!

    Stanley: Virgin...

  • Matthew: Thank you for loving me.

  • Matthew: Yes, I'm drunk. And you're beautiful. And tomorrow morning, I'll be sober but you'll still be beautiful.

  • Theo: Papa's full of shit.

    Matthew: I think you're lucky. Um, I wish my parents were that nice.

    Isabelle: Other people's parents are *always* nicer than our own, and yet for some reason, our own grandparents are always nicer than other people's.

  • Matthew: I was one of the insatiables. The ones you'd always find sitting closest to the screen. Why do we sit so close? Maybe it was because we wanted to receive the images first. When they were still new, still fresh. Before they cleared the hurdles of the rows behind us. Before they'd been relayed back from row to row, spectator to spectator; until worn out, secondhand, the size of a postage stamp, it returned to the projectionist's cabin. Maybe, too, the screen was really a screen. It screened us... from the world.

  • Isabelle: We do love you very much!

    Matthew: I don't want to be loved very much, I just want to be loved.

  • Matthew: I think you prefer when the world "together" means not "a million," but just two.

  • Matthew: I wish you could step out of yourself and just look.

  • [first lines]

    Matthew: The first time I saw a movie at the cinématèque française I thought, "Only the French... only the French would house a cinema inside a palace."

  • Matthew: [about Theo] But he has never been inside you?

    Isabelle: He's always inside me.

  • Matthew: I don't believe in God, but if I did, he would be a black, left-handed guitarist.

  • Matthew: I could hear my heart pounding. I don't know if it was because I'd just been chased by the police or because I was already in love with my new friends.

  • Matthew: This is not Chaplin and Keaton. This is Clapton and Hendrix.

    Theo: Matthew, Clapton reinvented the electric guitar.

    Matthew: Clapton plugs in a guitar, he plugs in an electric guitar and he plays it like an acoustic guitar. Hendrix plugs in an electric guitar, he plays it with his teeth. There are soldiers in the Vietnam War right now. Who are they listening to? Clapton? No, they're listening to Hendrix. The guy who tells the truth.

  • Matthew: In this big, epic movie - everyone is an extra.

  • Matthew: As we walked, we talked and talked and talked about politics, about movies, and about why the French could never come close to producing a good rock band.

  • Matthew: I thought you had many lovers. I mean when I saw you for the first time, at the Cinématheque, you and Theo, you looked so cool, so sophisticated. Like a movie star.

    Isabelle: I was. I was acting, Matthew

  • Matthew: It makes films like crimes, and directors like criminals.

  • [Matthew has had unprotected sex with Isabelle]

    Matthew: [in the tub, he sees blood]

    Isabelle: Don't be alarmed. It's good news.

    Theo: It only happens once a month.

  • Matthew: Yes, I'm drunk. And you're beautiful. And tomorrow morning, I'll be sober but you'll still be beautiful.

  • [last lines]

    Matthew: Listen to me for a second, okay? This is what they do. This is not what we do.

    Matthew: [pointing to his head] We use this.

    Matthew: We do this. We use this.

    [kisses Isabelle]

    Matthew: We use this.

    [kisses Theo]

    Theo: [speaking in French] Stop it!

    Matthew: Isabelle. Come on. Isabe...

  • Isabelle: Name a film where someone tap dancing drives someone else crazy!

    Matthew: Oh, I know this!

    Isabelle: Come on! Quick! Quick!

    Matthew: Top Hat! Top Hat! Fred Astaire's dancing over Ginger Roger's room. And she's mad because he wakes her up. I'm right.

  • Matthew: It's fucked up. It's all fucked up.

  • Matthew: Things don't have to be extraordinary to be beautiful, even the ordinary can be beautiful.

  • Matthew: When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy. But when you see it up close, 9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn't.

  • [first lines]

    Jeweller: [holding a diamond ring] Magnificent, aren't they? "God's tears".

    Matthew: Yeah. It's beautiful. So are the others, I... I guess I just have to make the right decision.

    Jeweller: In the end it's not your eye that must decide.

  • [last lines]

    Matthew: I needed you to know.

    Rebecca: Know what? Know what, Matthew? That I'm not the girl who can break your heart?

  • Alex: You want a cup of coffee?

    Matthew: Yeah, sure. Thanks.

    Alex: [rummages around in the kitchen] No. No. No. No.

    Alex: [comes back with coffee in two flutes of champagne glasses] He broke all my cups.

    Matthew: That's original.

  • [Matthew let's Alex try and tell him and Luke the whole story]

    Matthew: What do you think, Alex? I mean you know the whole story.

    Alex: It's easy to stand back and judge. You don't now anything about this woman.

    Matthew: I know that she has no conscience, and no regard for anyone but herself. I mean, what else do I need to know?

    Alex: You make yourself into such a victim. Nobody made you be with her. You can't even see what a hypocrite you're being.

    Matthew: I'm being a hypocrite? How am I being a hypocrite?

    Alex: Yes, you are!

    Luke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You, guys. Hey, relax.

    Matthew: No, Luke. Hey, hold on. Alex, I'd like for you to explain to me on how I'm being a hypocrite.

    Alex: Who's to say, this woman hasn't been in love with you for a really long time? And now that she found you again, she wasn't about to let you go twice.

    Matthew: What?

    Alex: Maybe... The first time she saw you, maybe she felt the way you did the first time you saw Lisa. You remember that. Love makes you do crazy things. Insane things. Things in a million years you never thought you'd see yourself do. But here you are doin' it. Can't help it.

    Luke: Jesus Christ. Lighten up, you guys. This woman... She's a nut. She's psycho. She's Cuckoo-Bananas, all right? End of story.

  • [Matthew is asleep after drinking late with Alex]

    Matthew: [Matthew is startled by Alex and wakes up] What are you doing?

    Alex: [smiles] I'm watching you sleep.

    [Alex undresses for Matthew to make love to her]

  • [Matthew discusses with Luke about what he should do with his fiancée Rebecca and the girl of his dreams Lisa]

    Matthew: You're right. This doesn't make any sense. One minute I'm here looking at rings, and the next I'm here, doing this.

    Luke: Whoa. Whoa, looking at rings? I didn't realize you were that serious.

    Matthew: Apparently, I'm not.

    Luke: See, that is how the universe works. The minute you make a decision, you decide on anything, along comes temptation.

    Matthew: What would you do?

    Luke: [laughs] Keep them both and hope they didn't find out about each other.

    Matthew: [laughs] That's perfect. Asshole! I have to find out why she left.

    Luke: She got scared. Everyone gets scared.

    Matthew: No, not Lisa. She wouldn't have left without an explanation. Without some sort of letter or a call or something. She's not like that. I mean, something must've happened, and whatever it was...

    Luke: Screwed you up big time.

    Matthew: [pause] I know she loved me.

  • Alex: Now you see me for who I am.

    Matthew: Yes I do.

  • [Matthew meets Lisa for the first time and attempts to try a shoe fitting for her]

    Matthew: [Matthew clears his throat] Could I help you with anything?

    Lisa: Yes. Those shoes in the window. The black ones with the red sole. I'd like to try them on, please.

    Matthew: The blacks and reds. Okay. Well, I'll just go in the back and get them for you. That's where we keep them, in the back, so... I'll be right back.

    Luke: Uh, Matty. Maybe you'd like to ask the lady what size shoe she wears.

    Matthew: Right.

    Lisa: 8 1/2.

    Matthew: Like Fellini.

    Lisa: Right.

    Matthew: I mean his movie, not his shoe size. I don't know his shoe size, obviously.

    [Matthew blushes as she stares at him]

    Matthew: 8 1/2.

    Matthew: [Matthew rushes into the back of the shoe store] Shit.

    Luke: What was that?

    Matthew: Fellini! What the hell was I thinking.

    Luke: I have no idea. But you were right about one thing. God, she is beautiful. And you, my man, are an idiot. All right, look. Here's the thing, all right? You've obviously blown it, she obviously hates you. So you stay right here and let the man take a shot.

    Matthew: Shut up. Give me the shoes.

    Luke: All right. Go. Just remember... you're not funny.

    Matthew: [Matthew gathers himself in deep breaths and walks back to Lisa] Here we go. Black and red.

    [Matthew nervously slides one shoe onto Lisa's foot as she smiles down at him, then she looks at herself in the mirror]

    Matthew: What do you think?

    Lisa: They're too big.

  • [Lisa confronts Matthew about spying on her in the shoe store]

    Lisa: Do you normally spy on people?

    Matthew: What?

    Lisa: Are you really gonna tell me that you're a huge fan of modern dance?

    Matthew: Look, I've never done anything like that before. Honestly, could you let me take you out for a cup of coffee and explain.

    Lisa: [chuckles] I don't think so.

    Matthew: I'll stay on my side of the table. I promise.

    Lisa: Just call me when the shoes come in, okay?

    Matthew: Listen, I'm not what you think I am, okay?

    [Lisa smiles at Matthew on her way out the front door]

    Matthew: Shit.

    Lisa: [Matthew notices that she wrote a message on the shoebox instead of leaving her phone number for the shoes] Tomorrow night. 6:00. Cafe Tangiers on Kinzie. Now you won't have to follow me.

  • [Matthew and Lisa talk while strolling the snowy sidewalk of their first date]

    Lisa: Well, my parents eventually split up, and my mother moved back to Prague. But my dad's still here. He lives in California.

    Matthew: I wish I was in California right now.

    Lisa: So, why did you want to become a photographer.

    Matthew: Fish.

    Lisa: Fish.

    Matthew: Tropical fish, actually. When I was a kid, I use to go to the library and pick out all the books with tropical fish, you know. Beautiful colors and shapes. When I was 8 years old, I realized someone had to take pictures of the fish, I wanted that to be me. But I grew up and then I realized that things don't have to be extraordinary to be beautiful. The ordinary could be just as beautiful.

    Lisa: Like what?

    Matthew: Well... Like, you see the couple there? Look at the way the girl is holding on to him so tight. But he can still drink his coffee, you know. It looks like she feels safe wrapping around him. And if you believe that, I'll tell you another one.

    [smiles]

    Lisa: Take my picture. I feel beautiful tonight.

    [laughs, the two hold hands and continue to stroll]

    Lisa: [We see Matthew drive Lisa back to her apartment building to drop her off, the two kiss]

    Lisa: Bye.

    [Matthew is too nervous to say it back]

    Matthew: [Lisa waves at him in his car from the steps] Bye.

    [Matthew drives forward, slams his breaks, and drives in reverse slamming on his breaks]

    Matthew: [Matthew rushes up the stairs to her apartment door] Hi.

    Lisa: Hi.

    [Lisa pulls him into the room and the two continue to make out]

  • [Matthew shows up to Lisa's home and finds Alex, who says she's Lisa]

    Matthew: Lisa?

    [Alex gasps and turns around, only to see Matthew before wrestling him to the ground]

    Matthew: [Alex screams and bites Matthew's hand in the scuffle] Ow!

    Matthew: [Alex and Matthew get up and face each other] Jesus Christ! I'm sorry. It's okay.

    Alex: I'm calling the police! Where is the phone?

    Matthew: No! Don't call the police! Don't call the police. I'm not gonna hurt you.

    Alex: [Alex grabs a bronze statue for a weapon] Get away from me.

    Matthew: Okay! Okay! Calm down! Calm down. It's okay. I'm you a friend of Lisa's?

    Alex: A friend of Lisa's?

    Matthew: Yeah.

    Alex: Is that supposed to be funny?

    Matthew: No. You can ask her when she comes, okay?

    Alex: I'm Lisa. I live here.

    Matthew: Your name's Lisa?

    Alex: Yeah.

    Matthew: And you live here?

    Alex: Yeah.

    Matthew: No...

    Alex: I'm calling the cops.

    Matthew: No, wait. Don't.

  • [Matthew and Alex make up with a few drinks after he startles her in the apartment]

    Alex: [tipsy giggling] How's your hand?

    Matthew: It's okay.

    Alex: [laughs] I wasn't even hungry or anything.

    [referring to the time she bit it]

    Matthew: Actually, you know what? Thank you for everything. For the bandage, for not calling the cops. Not beating me to death with the little bronze ballerina, or...

    Alex: [giggles] You're leaving?

    Matthew: [downs his drink] Yeah. I'm late, you know. Very late, actually, for China, so...

    Alex: [giggles] China. That's funny.

    Matthew: That's what my friend said, too.

    Alex: Well, maybe you should wait.

    Matthew: I can't, I mean... I gotta go.

    Alex: Do you really think planes are still taking off this late?

    Matthew: What are you doing?

    Alex: I'm scared.

  • [Matthew tells Luke about meeting a girl named Lisa in Lisa's apartment, who wasn't the same Lisa]

    Luke: So she had the same name, same perfume, same shoe size? That's so hot. Or... Or maybe this is creepy.

    Matthew: I think it's a little bit of both, actually.

    Luke: So, did you hit it?

    Matthew: No. Um, I slept on the couch, you know. And when I woke up in the morning, she was gone.

    Luke: But you wanted to hit it, didn't you?

    Matthew: Come on.

    Luke: Come on.

    Matthew: I'm going to China tonight, I'm practically engaged... Do I need to remind you?

    Luke: The lies we tell ourselves.

  • [Matthew calls Luke on the phone while Alex is in bed with Luke]

    Luke: [the phone rings] Do me a favor. Grab that, would you?

    Alex: Hello?

    Luke: [Matthew on the phone] Hello?

    Alex: Who's this?

    Luke: Who's this?

    Luke: This is Matthew. Who is this?

    [Alex sits up in shock and immediately hands the phone over to Luke]

    Luke: Hello?

    Luke: Hey, what's up, kid? I thought you left.

    Matthew: No, uhh...

    Luke: What are you still doing here?

    Matthew: I'm over at the girl's apartment.

    [Alex listens from the next room over]

    Luke: You went back to the crazy girl's apartment? What the hell are you doing there? I'm starting to worry about you, man.

    Luke: I'm starting to worry myself. It's not just that. I couldn't even get on the airplane.

    [Alex leaves Luke's apartment]

    Matthew: The thing is... There's something about this apartment. It's like Lisa's been here. I know this sounds insane, but I think this is her place, man.

    [Alex tries to call Matthew and gets a busy signal, and Lisa tries to call Luke and gets a busy signal]

    Luke: Well, maybe you're just hot for this crazy girl. First thing you gotta do is get out of her apartment and get over here. I'll tell you about some stuff, too. I've had the most amazing night of my entire life last night.

    Matthew: Okay, I'll be over. Just give me a couple of minutes, okay?

    Luke: All right. I'll wait. Later.

  • [Matthew visits Luke at the shoe store to talk to him about the mysterious blonde Lisa]

    Matthew: Hey. I gotta talk to you.

    Luke: So, who is she?

    Matthew: You wouldn't believe me.

    Luke: I betcha I do. I probably even know her. What's her name?

    Matthew: That's the thing.

    Luke: You don't even know her name? Oh, man.

    Matthew: I know that she's a dancer.

    Luke: You mean, like a stripper?

    Matthew: No, shithead. Like a real dancer.

    Luke: Oh, God. I love a dancer's body. Ooh.

    Matthew: But her face is like... Her eyes... And her skin is just... She just makes me all...

    [Matthew taps his stomach smiling]

    Luke: What is wha and duh? She just makes you more inarticulate than usual. You are obsessed, which I don't understand. I mean, I don't know how you decide on just one. I mean, my customer over there... She's got great legs. Ellie. All right? There is something hot about Ellie. The blonde at the window. I mean, come on.

    [Luke points to the blonde Lisa outside the store window not knowing it's the same girl Matthew was just talking about, Matthew freezes and his eyes grow big]

    Luke: What are you doing? Matty, are you all right?

  • [Matthew returns Luke's car back late and Luke has missed his date with Alex]

    Luke: Ass...

    Matthew: I'm so sorry.

    Luke: Hole.

    Matthew: Hey, I could explain.

    Luke: You are an asshole. Do me a favor... Don't ask me for any more favors.

    Matthew: Luke... I found her. I think I found her. I found her apartment, anyway.

    Luke: I'm really happy for you, Matty.

    Matthew: I left a note under her door to meet me at the park tomorrow.

    Luke: [sarcastically] Guess you guys should have a picnic together.

    Matthew: Jesus, man. I said I was sorry.

    Luke: My entire evening is screwed.

    Matthew: Look, we're not really that late, brother.

    Luke: Alex doesn't wait for anyone. Trust me. I've already left three messages.

    Matthew: Well, why didn't you take a cab?

    Luke: 'Cause I was waiting for you. I was waiting for my car.

    Matthew: Luke, look it's not that late. You can still drive over there.

    Luke: Go over there? And do what? Throw little pebbles up at her window? She's gone. It's over. Just forget it.

    [the phone rings]

  • [the phone rings and Luke hopes that Matthew can fix things with Alex over the phone]

    Luke: I hope, for our friendship, this is who I want it to be. Want to see how cool I am? Three rings.

    [Luke answers the phone]

    Luke: Hello? Hey, how's it goin'? Oh, I'm so sorry. Did you get my message-ges. No, I lent my car to my buddy Matt, and he was a little late coming home. No, sure. He's right here. Hold on a sec. She wants to talk to you.

    [hands over the phone to Matthew]

    Luke: Fix it. You have to fix it.

    Matthew: [Luke hovers near the phone to listen in] Hello?

    Alex: [Alex on the other end of the phone] He's full of shit, isn't he?

    Matthew: Yeah, he's full of shit, all right.

    Alex: Yeah, I knew it.

    Matthew: He didn't lend me his car. I took it. I stole his keys.

    Luke: [whispers] That's good.

    Alex: Why would you do that?

    Matthew: Because I'm a selfish idiot. And I had this whole thing going on that... I don't wanna bore you with it.

    Alex: Please, I insist.

    Matthew: Okay. Well, um... I was looking for somebody. A woman. I wasn't thinking. Got a little desperate.

    Alex: Oh, I'm sorry.

    Matthew: No. I should be apologizing to you. And I am apologizing to you. I'm very sorry that I ruined your evening.

    Alex: Did you find her?

    Matthew: I think so. Yeah. I found where she lives.

    Alex: Well, you should go back, and you should look for her.

    Matthew: I think I will. Thanks.

    Luke: [whispers] Okay, you're boring now. Give me the phone.

    Matthew: Okay, Alex. I gotta go.

    Alex: Nice to talk to you.

    Matthew: Nice to talk to you, too. Bye - bye.

    Matthew: [looks at Luke handing him the phone] She's nice, man.

    Luke: [smiles] Thanks.

  • [Lisa calls Luke's phone number that Matthew left with the bartender for her]

    Luke: Hello?

    Lisa: Hi, ummm... may I speak to Matthew, please?

    Luke: Who is this?

    Lisa: Um, this is Lisa? I'm a friend of his. I'm calling about my compact. I think he might have found it.

    Luke: Uh, which Lisa is this?

    Lisa: Pardon me?

    Luke: [Luke grabs his head at how dumb of a question that sounded] Uh, I'll tell you what. He's actually supposed to be here in a couple of minutes.

    Matthew: [At the same time, the camera goes to Alex calling Matthew so that he doesn't leave to go to Luke's home] Hello?

    Alex: Hello!

    Matthew: Hi.

    Alex: Hi. I'm sorry I didn't come back. My, um... Double shift turned into a triple, and I just couldn't get away.

    Matthew: It's okay. Don't worry about it.

    Alex: Are you mad?

    Matthew: No. Not at all. I had a great time. Where are you?

    Alex: Well, I'm still at work but, um, I'm just leaving now, so why don't you wait?

    Matthew: Yeah, I'll wait.

    Alex: Okay, great. I'll see you soon.

    [Matthew hangs up knowing something is strangely wrong]

    Luke: [the camera goes back to Luke and Lisa on the phone] Let me, uh... Let me grab your phone number, and I will have him call you when he gets in.

    Lisa: Um, you know, actually, could you just tell him to meet me at 3:00? He'd know where. Um, I'll be waiting for him.

    Luke: 3:00. Okay.

    [someone knocks at Luke's front door]

    Luke: You know what, it can't be him already, but I'm expecting him. And someone's at my front door, so maybe it is him. So hold on one second.

    [Lisa has a flashback of the last time she saw Matthew and when he asked her to move in with him]

    Luke: Yeah, I'm sorry. It wasn't him, it was someone else. But I promise I will give him your message. Okay?

    Lisa: Oh. Okay. Thank you.

    [Lisa hangs up praying with tears in her eyes that she hasn't lost Matthew entirely]

  • [Alex arrives home to the apartment to find Matthew who awaits with a present for her]

    [both have a nervous blank expression before putting on a smile and sayng hi to each other]

    Matthew: [smiles] Hey.

    Matthew: [smiles] Hey. How are you, Lisa?

    Alex: Good. How are you?

    Matthew: Good.

    Alex: I thought you'd be in China by now.

    Matthew: That makes two of us. Sit down.

    [Alex sits on the couch beside Matthew noticing a box between them]

    Alex: What's that?

    Matthew: It's a present.

    Alex: For me?

    Matthew: Yeah. I saw that yours were... Yours were broken, so... Uh, wanna try them on?

    Alex: That's very sweet. You didn't have to do that.

    Matthew: Uh, that's okay.

    [Alex takes off her boot and Matthew slips on the black shoe with the red sole, the exact same size that would fit Lisa's foot]

    Matthew: They're a little big. What size shoe do you wear?

    Alex: Seven.

    Matthew: These are 8 and a half.

    Alex: I would've told you what size I wear if I knew you were gonna get me shoes.

    Matthew: It's okay. I could exchange them.

    Alex: You don't have to do that. I...

    Matthew: Anyway, I told a friend of mine I would meet him for coffee before I left, so...

    [Matthew makes his way to the front door of the apartment]

    Alex: What? You're leaving?

    Matthew: Yeah. Bye.

    [Matthew then leaves]

  • [Matthew, Luke, and Alex finally sit together for the first time]

    Luke: So what happened with your psycho?

    [there's a pause]

    Luke: Oh, you can say it in front of Alex. She knows the whole story anyway.

    Matthew: Sometimes when you see someone from afar you develop a fantasy. Then when you see them up close, nine times out of ten, you wish you hadn't.

    Luke: [Luke smiles] I have no idea what you're talking about.

    Matthew: I was confused, so I went back to her apartment, and I thought I'd find what I was looking for, but I found something else.

    Luke: Did you talk to her?

    Matthew: Just long enough for her to convince to me that she's a liar.

  • [Alex finally tells Matthew the truth]

    Matthew: You knew she was here the whole time?

    Alex: [Alex reaches into her bag and grabs the envelop she was suppose to give to Matthew two years earlier] This belongs to you. It's from her.

    Lisa: [Lisa's words in the letter] Matt, please don't think that I'm running away from you. I was so overwhelmed when you asked me to move in, I couldn't speak. My answer, of course, is yes. I love you, and can't wait to come home.

    Alex: [Alex in tears] I'm not going to apologize for what I've done. This is for me to live with now. Now you see me for who I am.

    Matthew: Yes, I do.

  • Matthew: The cross is bloodstained. It loves. It forgives. It demands.

  • Matthew: The cross offers us a way out. The only way out.

  • Matthew: It should bring you to your knees and bring you to your feet.

  • Matthew: Is it bad out there?

    Cop: Out where?

  • Matthew: I don't like it when people yell at me for no reason at *all*.

  • Andy: Y'know, sometimes I look at these gorgeous-looking chicks, I mean the ones that look like real knockouts, sexy and all... and I wonder... I wonder if they gotta take a shit, too.

    Stanley: Hey, all women shit, women are full of shit.

    Matthew: Not my mother!

    Andy: My sister is.

    Johnny: Aw, man, cut out the shit talk!

  • Matthew: [while raping Jennifer] I can't come. I can't come! You're interrupting my concentration!

  • Matthew: Wielding a knife to attempt to kill Jennifer a second time I HATE you! You've brought nothing but BAD luck with you!

    Matthew: I have no friends because of you!

    Jennifer Hills: calmly What about me, Matthew? We were going to be friends. Remember?

  • Matthew: See what I do for you? I get groceries and clothes and art stuff and kill people. And do you appreciate it? No.

  • Matthew: Eat, or I'll cut your tongue out.

  • Matthew: I went to hospital and they gave me a claw, like some freak. And you marry that man!

  • [describing what he sees in Vera's abstract painting]

    Matthew: His skin is on fire... he's in terrible pain.

  • Jesus: [after being tested by the devil] I passed.

    Matthew: And then angels appeared with a sack of chili cheese dogs for him.

Browse more character quotes from Doctor Dolittle (1967)

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