Matt Helm Quotes in The Silencers (1966)

[after Gail had splashed water on Matt, she then spills a drink on him after falling over when he's lighting her cigarette]

Gail Hendrix: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Matt Helm: Yeah, I know you are.

Matt Helm: I couldn't help noticing, but, these are your clothes?

Barbara: What if they are?

Matt Helm: Oh, I know you have a headache but don't take it out on me, I mean, what should I do with these?

Barbara: [in a breathy voice] Just throw them anywhere. I won't be needing them 'til morning.

Tina aka Cowboy: This is just like old times.

Matt Helm: Yeah, especially with that body on the floor.

[Pointing to Barbara in the background, who has just been shot twice in the back by Tina]

Tina aka Cowboy: What do we do with *her*?

Matt Helm: You put her on ice, let ICE take care of it.

Tina aka Cowboy: And what happens when the maid walks in, in the morning?

Matt Helm: You know, you're right. Let's put her in my bed, so we don't arouse suspicion.

[Matt and Tina start walking towards Barbara's body, cut]

Tina aka Cowboy: [after Matt has a wet first encounter with Gail at the swimming pool] I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?

Matt Helm: Not if you want to keep me dry.

Tina aka Cowboy: [Discussing Gail] Quite a girl.

Matt Helm: That is not a girl, Tina. That's a disaster area.

Gail Hendrix: I want some music.

[Gail turns on car radio, Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly With Me" plays]

Matt Helm: Oh, turn him off, he's terrible!

[Gail changes the station, Dean Martin's "Everybody Loves Somebody" plays]

Matt Helm: Now that's a guy that can sing!

Matt Helm: The soap, please, Miss Kravezit.

Matt Helm: [picking up the phone] Wrong hacienda.

Matt Helm: Don't you think we should be introduced first?

Barbara: You're Matt Helm.

Matt Helm: Good enough for me.

Matt Helm: But I've been on leave from I.C.E. for a long time. As far as I'm concerned, I am out of it.

Tina: [pouring herself a drink] You're never out of Ice.

Tina: [concerned about a sniper outside] But what happens if he hits the gas tank?

Matt Helm: Smokey the Bear won't like it. Get in.

Tina: Are you on a vacation?

Gail Hendrix: Oh well, eh, I was on a tour, a sight-seeing tour. But eh, the man in charge of our group kept taking me places that weren't in the brochure.

Matt Helm: Where was that?

Gail Hendrix: His room.

Matt Helm: [to Tina] Making love to you is like playing Russian Roulette.

Gail Hendrix: Mr. Helm, now do I look like an enemy agent?

Matt Helm: Well I dunno, I haven't seen the latest models yet.

Gail Hendrix: You undressed me once and I didn't like it.

Matt Helm: Now you're confusing romance with first aid.

Matt Helm: My name is Chump. Matt Chump.

Tina: [trying to get Matt to switch sides] You'll just die...

Matt Helm: Not in your bed.

Tina: What better place is there?

Matt Helm: Well, they finally figured out how to get blood out of a stone...

Matt Helm: [to Gail] You know, if you were an Indian, Custer would still be alive.

Barbara: What's in Acapulco that you can't find here?

Matt Helm: Mexicans.

Matt Helm: Miss Kravezit...

Lovey Kravezit: Mr. Helm... would you please call me by my first name?

Matt Helm: Well, I don't *know* your first name.

Lovey Kravezit: It's "Lovey."

Matt Helm: [slightly incredulous] "Lovey Kravezit"?

Lovey Kravezit: Mm hmm.

Matt Helm: Oh, that's some kind of name!

[laughs]

Gail Hendrix: What are you doing!

Matt Helm: Ah, shut up! And don't open your mouth until you get to the hotel!

Gail Hendrix: Well, how do you expect me to breathe?

Matt Helm: Don't!

Freya Carlson: [their car is a wreck] Mr. Helm, I'm afraid the car is broken.

Matt Helm: The car is broken?

Freya Carlson: Yes.

[reaches inside the wreckage]

Freya Carlson: Oh! My hat! My hat's ok.

Lola Medina: I've heard that you do... drink.

Matt Helm: Just call it a hobby.

Count Massimo Contini: Actually, I would have preferred to live in a different century, Florence in the 13th or Germany in the 18th. Wouldn't you, Mr. Helm?

Matt Helm: No, it'd be all wrong. I'd be dead by now.

Freya Carlson: [After falling into a deep pond] It's too deep.

Matt Helm: Too deep, huh?

[She nods]

Matt Helm: I wanna ask you a question. Whose side are you on?

Freya Carlson: Well, I'm an agent. And I also happen to be a good one. And I'm also a woman!

[She storms away]

Matt Helm: It *was* the wig.

Matt Helm: [to the tune of 'The Sunny Side of the Street'] Grab your coat, get your pale, let me take you in the barn, dear. Just sit back and watch, 'cause I found a cow who gives scotch.

'Mac' MacDonald: [showing a new explosive device] It's so new we don't even have a name for it yet.

Matt Helm: [throws the handkerchief to a safe distance, where it explodes upon hitting the ground] Why don't we call it a little bit of hanky panky?

Matt Helm: Half a bottle is better than none.

Count Massimo Contini: In our civilized business, this is the traditional time to offer you a cigarette or some liquid refreshment, perhaps. But since we are professional people on limiting time schedules, I suggest that we dispense with such amenities.

Matt Helm: Oh, no, let's not dispense with any of those things.

Matt Helm: [Freya has pushed Lenka into the pool] What made you think she could swim?

Freya Carlson: That was the only way to find out, right?

Yu-Rang: Mr. Helm? Yu-Rang.

Matt Helm: No I didn't. But since you're here, why don't you sit down?

Matt Helm: [to Freya] I don't know what you got, but you sure got bad timing.

Matt Helm: Wanna do me a favor?

Freya Carlson: Yes sir.

Matt Helm: Go play in the freeway.

[turns to leave but turns back]

Matt Helm: Without a car!

Matt Helm: [to the tune of 'Cry'] If your sweetheart puts a pistol in her bed, you'd do better sleeping with your uncle Fred...

Matt Helm: So this is the place I was gonna get shot in the back. Kind of a stylish pad to take off from.

Matt Helm: Well, I'm supposed to meet Linka tonight and they've set me up for a hit. But I'm gonnna shock her out of her miniskirt.

Freya Carlson: It just so happens that I know where Yu-Rang hangs her kimono.

Matt Helm: I'll bet you do.

Matt Helm: [shooting part of a spread for Slaymate magazine] I want to catch you right near Duluth.

Miss January: Why, that's my best feature!

Miss January: Well what shall I do with the costume?

Matt Helm: Drop it in the ashtray.

Matt Helm: What a way to finish. For a guy that drank booze all his life to end up like a milkshake.

Suzie Solaris: He's yawing!

Matt Helm: I don't feel so good myself.

Matt Helm: [Suzie is kissing his face all over] Easy, I get a little ticklish west of the Mississippi.

[Matt is shown a new weapon which gives a whole new meaning to the term "bullet bra"]

Linda: It's not a gun, Mr. Helm. It's the new weapon they gave me, developed right here in our labs.

Matt Helm: Developed pretty well, too!

Linda: May I point out...

Matt Helm: You already do!

Linda: ...that that's why you're here. To become familiar with our latest equipment.

Matt Helm: You right. An agent should always keep *abreast* of the times!

[Matt and Sheila are hiding on a mountain-top]

Matt Helm: We have a long wait ahead of us, so let's get comfortable.

[lies down on his back]

Sheila Sommers: [lying down on top of Matt] How comfortable?

Matt Helm: It's broad daylight!

Sheila Sommers: What's the matter with a broad in the daylight?

Jose Ortega: [toasting] Cheers!

Francesca Madeiros: [also toasting] Skol!

Matt Helm: Sure it's cold. It's got ice in it.

[a new female recruit gets turned on by Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" playing in the background]

Matt Helm: You really like Perry Como that much?

Francesca Madeiros: How about a good luck kiss?

Matt Helm: Well, I am superstitious myself.

MacDonald: Have you ever seen a flying saucer?

Matt Helm: Is that your way of offering me a drink?

Courier Slaygirl: Long distance call for you, Mr. Helm. Hop aboard.

Courier Slaygirl: [Matt sits himself down on the back of her scooter] I go pretty fast. Better find something to hang on to.

Matt Helm: [Matt knowingly looks at the camera] Crazy.

Quintana: This is our light beer. Care for a taste?

Matt Helm: Oh, I never touch the stuff. Except when I'm working.

Matt Helm: Where are you from?

Francesca Madeiros: The bar.

Matt Helm: The bar...

[laughs]

Matt Helm: I got relatives there.

Matt Helm: [passing each other] Hi!

Francesca Madeiros: A little.

Matt Helm: You drugged me!

Francesca Madeiros: Just in case.

Matt Helm: [getting drowsy] How did you do that?

Francesca Madeiros: Oh, do you like my lipstick, darling? It's a special brand. There's a chemical that penetrates the skin.

Matt Helm: How 'bout your skin?

Francesca Madeiros: I just took the antidote.

[indicating the glass in her hand]

Sheila Sommers: [referring to Francesca] You don't trust her, do you?

Matt Helm: I don't trust any woman.

Matt Helm: [during gunfight] Now I know we're partners. We're trying to kill each other.

Quintana: [struggling to stay afloat in a settling vat] I can't swim!

Matt Helm: Drink yourself to the bottom.

Matt Helm: [referring to Francesca] Don't say it. You may hate her guts, but she's a pro.

Sheila Sommers: Whatever she's pro, I'm anti.

Matt Helm: Come on, Auntie.

Sheila Sommers: Suspenders and a belt?

Matt Helm: Yeah, I have trouble keeping my pants up.

Matt Helm: [to Nassim] May a thousand tigers break every bone in your body.

Matt Helm: What I always wanted, a magic bartender.

Member of firing squad: Silence!

Matt Helm: I believe the expression is, eh, 'Silence, Yankee dog', eh?

Matt Helm: [the guard does not answer] 'Yankee pig'?

Matt Helm: Let Helm put you in the driving seat.

Lovey Kravezit: Mr. Helm, I just this second got here.

[Sees the masseuse]

Lovey Kravezit: Oh, am I interrupting anything?

Matt Helm: No, she's just a masseuse.

Lovey Kravezit: Ah.

[Camera pans to Lovey's mini-dress]

Lovey Kravezit: I think I've got everything you want.

Matt Helm: Yeah!