Matt Freehauf Quotes in Young Adult (2011)

Matt Freehauf: Buddy is a married man. By all accounts, happily.

Mavis Gary: Yeah, happily married men go to bars alone with their ex-girlfriends all the time. They call them privately and they make out with them on porches.

Matt Freehauf: He did not make out with you.

Mavis Gary: You weren't there. We made out. It was intense and passionate. He gave me his sweatshirt.

Matt Freehauf: Yes, I noticed. They probably noticed in space. And FYI, you look completely insane wearing it. Look, I don't know what Buddy's doing with you or what you think he's doing with you, but you need to move on.

Mavis Gary: You're one to talk. All you care about is some scuffle that happened 20 years ago. You lean on that crutch and you lean on excuses and you and I both know that you use this whole thing as an excuse to do absolutely nothing with your life.

Matt Freehauf: Scuffle. You don't know shit about what happened to me. Okay? Those jocks you used to blow during lunch, they shattered my legs, bashed in my brains, mangled my cock so that I have to piss and cum sideways for the rest of my life. Then they left me for dead. You know, things aren't too great down south. I can barely get off by myself let alone with another person.

Mavis Gary: You know, what's done is done. You can't keep dwelling on the past, Matt.

Matt Freehauf: Are you fucking kidding? Talk about dwelling on the past. Here you are back in Mercury, like a loser, trying to score with a happily married man.

Mavis Gary: Buddy's not happy, okay? So just stop saying that.

Matt Freehauf: You're hardly the authority on happiness, Sylvia.

Mavis Gary: You know what, Matt? It really is a shame that you're like this because if you had a good personality none of this other stuff would bother people.

Matt Freehauf: Why don't you use my crutch again as a metaphor? That was brilliant. That was masterful. Or no, save it for your little teenage stories because God knows you don't know shit about being an adult!

Matt Freehauf: Guys like me are born loving women like you.

Matt Freehauf: Mike Moran is your cousin?

Mavis Gary: Unfortunately.

Matt Freehauf: Oh, here comes the happiest cripple in Minnesota.

Wheelchair Mike: Mavis?

Mavis Gary: Mike.

Wheelchair Mike: What is up, girly-friend? Holy shit, cuz. This is such a rad surprise.

Mavis Gary: Yeah, I'm in town just for a little real estate thing. How are you?

Wheelchair Mike: I'm great! Kim and I just had our six-year anniversary.

Mavis Gary: Wow, six years. What is that, wood? Porcelain?

Matt Freehauf: Strychnine?

Wheelchair Mike: Anyway, the kids are great. Work is a trip but I play hard too. I've been doing a lot of rock climbing.

Matt Freehauf: You mean rock crawling, right?

Wheelchair Mike: No I'm vertical, bro, believe it or not. We can do anything a normal can do. Probably more, because we've had to reboot for extra positivity. You know what I'm saying? You should try it, Matt.

Mavis Gary: You should try it, Matt.

Matt Freehauf: No.

Wheelchair Mike: I love the way this guy talks. He's like, no! I'm so glad you guys are buds. I can totally see it. It's like Will & Grace.

Mavis Gary: Aww, it is.

Matt Freehauf: No, it isn't.

Wheelchair Mike: Look I'm gonna roll back to my boys, but we should chat later. I'll buy you a scotch or whatever you got there. Love this place. Total time capsule, right?

Matt Freehauf: When did he get that chair? Sophomore year?

Mavis Gary: Junior. Car wreck. God, he got so much attention.

Matt Freehauf: Yeah, he was the popular cripple. Practically ruined high school for me.

Mavis Gary: Please. That dick ruined my sweet 16. Same weekend.

Matt Freehauf: You are a piece of work.

Mavis Gary: You're a piece of shit.

Mavis Gary: [crying] I'm crazy! And no one loves me. You don't love me.

Matt Freehauf: Guys like me are born loving women like you.

Mavis Gary: I went to Buddy's house.

Matt Freehauf: What happened?

Mavis Gary: I ruined my dress.

Mavis Gary: Weren't you that hate crime guy?

Matt Freehauf: Excuse me?

Mavis Gary: You totally were. You're the hate crime guy! Oh my God, why didn't you just say that? Now I know who you are. Matt, the hate crime guy.

Matt Freehauf: Yes, Mavis. When when we were seniors a bunch of jocks who thought I was gay jumped me in the woods.

Mavis Gary: That's right!

Matt Freehauf: And hit me on the legs and dick with a crowbar.

Mavis Gary: With a crowbar. I totally remember that.

Matt Freehauf: It was national news. I mean, until people found out I wasn't really gay. Then it wasn't a hate crime anymore. It was a fat guy getting his ass beat.

Mavis Gary: Didn't you get to miss a bunch of school?

Matt Freehauf: Yes, I got to miss about six months. It was awesome.

Mavis Gary: Fuck. How's your dick?

Matt Freehauf: Not good. Not good.

Mavis Gary: Does it work?

Matt Freehauf: Yeah, it works. You know, it just kind of does.

[makes sideways hand gesture]

Matt Freehauf: Mavis, I would keep all of this to yourself. I would find a therapist.

Matt Freehauf: Oh, so you're not trying to destroy Buddy Slade's marriage.

Mavis Gary: You see that window up there?

Matt Freehauf: Yeah.

Mavis Gary: I bet Buddy is awake. Jerking off or something.

Matt Freehauf: Or perhaps he's caring for his infant daughter.

Mavis Gary: The baby, the baby.

Matt Freehauf: The problem that has no name.

Matt Freehauf: I think we went to high school together.

Mavis Gary: At the same time?

Matt Freehauf: Why Buddy?

Mavis Gary: He's a good man. He's kind.

Matt Freehauf: Are other men unkind?