Mary Swanson Quotes in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Lloyd Christmas: [addressing Mary] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.

Lloyd Christmas: [laughs nervously] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.

Mary Swanson: [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal] I thought I heard you talking to someone.

Lloyd Christmas: [now extremely nervous] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?

Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?

Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.

Harry Dunne: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.

Mary Swanson: Really? That's weird.

Harry Dunne: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job, you know.

Mary Swanson: No?

Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.

Mary Swanson: That's nice.

Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!

Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?

Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

Mary Swanson: Okay, how do you guys know each other?

Lloyd Christmas: We used to be best friends.

Harry Dunne: Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.

Lloyd Christmas: Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!

Harry Dunne: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?

Lloyd Christmas: [gasps] What do you mean?

Harry Dunne: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.

Lloyd Christmas: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.

Harry Dunne: You just tell me where to sign, bud.

Lloyd Christmas: Right on my ass after you kiss it!

Harry Dunne: Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Lloyd Christmas: I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?

Mary Swanson: Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...

Lloyd Christmas: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

Mary Swanson: Not good.

[the background soundtrack music suddenly stops]

Lloyd Christmas: [he gulps, his mouth twitching] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one out of a million.

Lloyd Christmas: [long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!

Lloyd Christmas: So where are you headin'?

Mary Swanson: Aspen.

Lloyd Christmas: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

Mary Swanson: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?

Harry Dunne: Yo... well, y'know, I got a few things to take care of first, but what... why don't we make it quarter to eight?

Mary Swanson: [laughs] Stop it.

Harry Dunne: Okay, seven forty-five.

Mary Swanson: [after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird] Who are these sick people?

[while looking back at Mary]

Lloyd Christmas: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...

[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]

Mary Swanson: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Harry Dunne: Nice set of hooters you got there!

Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?

Harry Dunne: The owls! They're beautiful!

Mary Swanson: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me?

Lloyd Christmas: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.