Mark Twain Quotes in The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985)

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Mark Twain Quotes:

  • Mark Twain: You look about as disappointed as Presbyterians in Hell!

  • Tom Sawyer: [Looking at Twain's library] These must be those classics everyone talks about.

    Huck Finn: What are classics?

    Mark Twain: Something everyone wants to have read but don't want to read.

  • Mark Twain: Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody, if he can help it.

  • Mark Twain: There's no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Except an old optimist.

  • Mark Twain: The man with an idea is a fool, until the idea succeeds.

  • Becky Thatcher: How come you want to catch that comet so bad, Mr. Twain?

    Mark Twain: Oh-ho-ho, the comet and I are part of the plan, angelfish. No doubt the Almighty said here, "There go those two unaccountable freaks. They came into this world together, they must go out together."

  • Mark Twain: I will continue on doing my duty, but when I get to the other side, I will use my considerable influence to have the human race drowned again, this time drowned good. No omissions. No ark.

  • Mark Twain: A harp, a hymn book and wings? Good god, what a swindle. I'm led to consider a different path. Heaven for climate, Hell for company.

  • Mark Twain: Stormfield's a man of faith. Means he is willing to believe what he knows ain't so.

  • Mark Twain: Let me see, there are a number of things I want to say to you before I go.

    [Clears throat]

    Mark Twain: Always obey your parents.

    Mark Twain: [Dark side] ... when they are present.

    Mark Twain: Be respectful of your superiors.

    Mark Twain: [Dark side] ... if you have any.

    Mark Twain: Rise early, for it is the early bird that catches the worm.

    Mark Twain: [Dark side] I once knew a man who tried it. Got up at sunrise. Horse bit him.

  • Mark Twain: It's time.

    Mark Twain: [Dark side] I'm still considering whether to go. I haven't seen an atom of truth that there is a future life.

    Mark Twain: Yet I am strongly inclined to expect one. Anyway, don't be such a sissy in the face of a real adventure.

  • Mark Twain: The human race, in all its poverty, has only one truly effective weapon: laughter. Against the assault of laughter - ha-ha-ha-ha! - nothing can stand.

  • Tom Sawyer: Supposing we do die? Is there really a heaven or a hell?

    Mark Twain: Oh, I don't know about that. I don't wish to express an opinion. You see, I have friends in both places.

  • Mark Twain: Don't worry. Providence protects children, and idiots. I know it's true. I've tested it.

  • Becky Thatcher: Well, Tom and Huck and l, well, see, we're not so sure...

    Mark Twain: That l know what l'm doing up here? Angelfish, it's just like piloting a river. You get to know the shape of it. Like following a hall at home in the dark. And even if you feel some fear, you know no harm can come to you because you've traveled that hallway a hundred times in nothing but bare feet and faith.

  • Mark Twain: That? Oh, that was just a little Writer's Block, that's all.

  • Mark Twain: Ladies and gentlemen, William Shakespeare, the greatest author in the English language is dead.....and I feel far from well myself.

  • Mark Twain: Well I found out what a mine is anyway. It's a hole in the ground with a darn fool at the end of it.

  • Grant: Gentlemen, the buy-in is $15,000

    Mark Twain: 15 large. Are you sure General Custard can swing that?

    General George Custer: It's Custer, not "Custard." There is no "D." I'm not a dessert.

    Mark Twain: Boom, I just dropped some satire on your ass, General!

    General George Custer: You got me!

  • Wyatt Earp: What's shakin' Twain?

    Mark Twain: Hey, I'm good on anything. Just like gravy, baby. Good to see you my man.

    Wyatt Earp: You too, man.

    Wyatt Earp: Hey, I finally read Prince and the Pauper.

    Mark Twain: Oh, is that right?

    Wyatt Earp: Didn't get it.

    Mark Twain: For reals?

    Wyatt Earp: Satire! Boom! I got ya!

Browse more character quotes from The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985)

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Characters on The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985)