Mark Darcy Quotes in Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

Bridget: Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that.

Mark Darcy: Oh, yes, they fucking do.

Mark Darcy: I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are.

Mark Darcy: Mother, I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother.

Bridget: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Well, I meant it, but I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant... After all, it's only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just... full of crap.

Mark Darcy: Yes, I know that. I was just buying you a new one.

Mark Darcy: Bridget!

Bridget: Mark... What are you doing here?

Mark Darcy: I was just wondering if you were available for Bar Mitzvahs and Christenings in addition to Ruby Weddings.

Bridget: I thought you were in America.

Mark Darcy: Well I was... but I realized I had forgotten something here.

Bridget: Which was...?

Mark Darcy: Well, I realized that I had forgotten to... kiss you goodbye, do you mind?

Bridget: Umm... not really, no. So... does this mean you're *not* going to America?

Mark Darcy: No... not.

Bridget: Does this mean you're staying here?

Mark Darcy: It would seem so...

Mark Darcy: [notices her friends cheering] Friends of yours?

Bridget: Oh, haha... never seen them before in my life.

Bridget: You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things your mum buys you, tonight's another... classic. You're haughty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. But, you're a nice man and I like you. If you wanted to pop by some time that might be nice... more than nice.

Mark Darcy: Right, crikey.

Bridget: Did I really run round your lawn naked?

Mark Darcy: Oh, yes. You were four and I was eight.

Bridget: Well, that's a pretty big age difference. It's quite pervy really.

Mark Darcy: Yes, I like to think so.

Mark Darcy: I like you, very much.

Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and... ah, the verbal diarrhea.

Mark Darcy: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.

Bridget: I owe you an apology about Daniel. He said you ran off with his fiancée and left him brokenhearted.

Mark Darcy: No, it was the other way around. My wife. My heart.

Mark Darcy: I realize that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet, I was unforgivably rude, and wearing a reindeer jumper.

Mark Darcy: All right Cleaver, outside.

Daniel Cleaver: [half laughing] I'm sorry? Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?

Mark Darcy: I should have done this years ago.

Daniel Cleaver: Done what?

Mark Darcy: This.

[Darcy punches Cleaver, hard]

Daniel Cleaver: Ow. Fuck me, that really hurt. What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Mark Darcy: This.

[Darcy punches Cleaver again, even harder]

Bridget: Are you staying at your parents for New Years?

Mark Darcy: Yes. You?

Bridget: Ah, no. Was at a party in London last night, I'm afraid I'm a bit hungover.

[nervous laugh]

Bridget: Wish I could be home with my head in a toilet like all normal people...

[pause]

Bridget: ...ah! New Year's Resolution: drink less... and quit smoking... and quit talking total nonsense to strangers... actually, quit talking, full stop.

[awkward silence]

Mark Darcy: Yes. Well. Perhaps it's time to eat.

Daniel Cleaver: [after crashing through the window] Uhh... Jesus. All right.

Mark Darcy: All right?

Daniel Cleaver: Enough.

Mark Darcy: Enough enough.

[Darcy begins to walk away]

Daniel Cleaver: Wanker.

[Darcy punches him hard, knocking Cleaver down]

Bridget: [to Cosmo and Woney] Tell me, is it one in four marriages that end in divorce these days, or one in three?

Mark Darcy: One in three.

Mark Darcy: [pauses during fight to sing] Happy birthday dear what's-his-name...

Daniel Cleaver: [lands on restaurant table] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!

Mark Darcy: [places hand in someone's salad] Oh, God! I'm sorry!

[wipes dirty hand on man's suit]

Mark Darcy: I really am sorry. I-I will pay.

Daniel Cleaver: Had enough Darcy?

Mark Darcy: Not quite, if that's all right by you.

[punches Daniel hard]

Waiter: Happy birthday to you...

[everyone joins in, stopping fight]

Waiter: Happy birthday to you!

Mark Darcy: Happy birthday dear what's-his-name...

Daniel Cleaver: Happy birthday to you...

[tackles Darcy, both fly out window]

Bridget: [as Una Alconberry] No, Pam. Besides, the gravy needs sieving.

Mark Darcy: [as Pamela Jones] Surely not, just stir it Una.

Mark Darcy: [about Bridget's attempt at caper berry gravy] I have to say, this really is the most incredible shit.

Mark Darcy: Natasha, this is Bridget Jones. Bridget, this is Natasha. Bridget works in a publishing house and she used to play around naked in my paddling pool.

Mark Darcy: That's not a sand piper, Bridget, it's a snowy plover.

Bridget: Sand pipers, plovers, albatrosses! Do I look like a bloody entomologist?

Mark Darcy: Ornithologist...

Daniel Cleaver: [Daniel Cleaver and Mark Darcy have just had a fistfight over Bridget] You know what, mate? If you are so obsessed with Bridget Jones, why don't you just marry her?

Mark Darcy: [turns away and starts to walk]

Daniel Cleaver: [pause] Cause then she'd definitely shag me.

[Mark dives again into the fountain]

Mark Darcy: Would you step outside please?

Daniel Cleaver: I'm afraid it's not possible.

Mark Darcy: Look are you gonna step outside or do I have to drag you?

Daniel Cleaver: I think you're gonna have to drag me.

Mark Darcy: As a matter of fact, I have a question to ask you.

Bridget Jones: Okay. As long as it's not, "Will you marry me?"

[chuckles. Mark looks devastated]

Bridget Jones: Oh, God... It *is* "Will you marry me?"

Mark Darcy: Well, I'm not going to say it now.

Bridget Jones: No, no, no! Just wait!

[runs back to the door]

Mark Darcy: The moment's gone, Bridget.

Bridget Jones: We've just come out into the corridor and you say, "I've got a question to ask you" and then I don't say *anything*!

[pause]

Bridget Jones: and you say...

Mark Darcy: [pause] Bridget Jones, will you marry me?

Mark Darcy: Bridget, will you stop? Stop staring at me while I'm asleep. Now, find something to do.

Bridget Jones: Sorry.

[Bridget turns away, only to turn back around again to look at Mark]

Mark Darcy: [answers the phone] Hello?

Bridget Jones: It's me. Just wondered how you are.

Mark Darcy: I'm fine thanks. Everything alright with you?

Bridget Jones: Fine, though, er, I've just had a rather graphic shag flashback. You do have a genuinely gorgeous bottom.

Mark Darcy: Right, well, thank you. I'm actually with the Mexican Ambassador just at the moment and the Head of Amnesty International and the Under Secretary for Trade and Industry and you're on speakerphone.

Bridget Jones: Oh, right.

Daniel Cleaver: [while fighting] You're insane!

Mark Darcy: And you're a disgrace, Cleaver, and you're gonna pay for it!

Daniel Cleaver: Ow, you're pulling my hair! Fuck off, I'm not going in the sodding water!

Mark Darcy: You're going in, Cleaver!

Daniel Cleaver: If I'm going in, you're going in with me, you smug bastard!

[they fall into the fountain]

Mark Darcy: [Bridget gets out of bed covered in a sheet and begins to fumble around] What on Earth are you doing?

Bridget Jones: Getting dressed.

Mark Darcy: Why're you dancing around in that tent business?

Bridget Jones: Because I don't want you to see any of my wobbly bits.

Mark Darcy: Well now that's a bit pointless, isn't it? As I happen to have a very high regard for your wobbly bits. In all circumstances.

Bridget Jones: [Bridget's head emerges from the sheet] Really?

Mark Darcy: Absolutely. I think it's high time we had another look.

[Bridget drops the sheet on the floor]

Daniel Cleaver: [after fighting and falling into a fountain together] What are you gonna do now? Drown me in sixteen inches of water?

Mark Darcy: [slight pause] Yes, certainly.

[fight resumes]

Mark Darcy: And this is Horatio...

Bridget Jones: Horatio?

Mark Darcy: Yes, Horatio.

Bridget Jones: I read that you should never go out with someone if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.

Mark Darcy: And can you think of three?

Bridget Jones: Yes.

Mark Darcy: Which are?

Bridget Jones: First off, I embarrass you. I can't ski, I can't ride, I can't speak Latin , my legs only come up to here and yes I will always be just a little bit fat. And you, you fold your underpants before you go to bed!

Mark Darcy: No, hang on! That-that can't be a reason.

Bridget Jones: No, it's not a reason! But you're not perfect either! You look down your nose at absolutely everyone and you're incapable of doing anything spontaneous or potentially affectionate.

[pause]

Bridget Jones: It feels like you're waiting to find someone in the VIP room who's- who's so fantastic, just the way she is, that you don't need to fix her.

Mark Darcy: Bridget, this is mad.

Bridget Jones: And perhaps you thought you found her.

[long pause]

Bridget Jones: Do you *want* to marry me?

[awkward silence]

Mark Darcy: Look- I...

Bridget Jones: You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me.

[long silence. Mark opens his mouth and closes it again. Bridget walks out]

Mark Darcy: Can I ask you a question Bridget?

Bridget Jones: Of course, any question... as long as it's not, 'Will You Marry Me'.

[pause after looking at Mark's face]

Bridget Jones: Omg, it is isn't it? It's will you Marry me? Ok, no! Wait, pretend that we just came out...

[walks back to the door, opens and closes it]

Bridget Jones: and you asked me if you could ask me a question and I said yes and NOTHING more. Ok, go.

Mark Darcy: Bridget Jones, will you marry me?

Bridget Jones: You are angry.

Mark Darcy: No, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.

Bridget Jones: Disappointed? Oh, God, that's worse than angry.

Mark Darcy: I'm just disappointed I can't take you home this instant.