Malik Quotes in Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

Jake: Malik, can you hold my books for me?

Malik: Sure, why not? I am the token black guy. I'm just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like; "Damn," "Shit," and "That is whack."

Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?

Malik: Damn.

Jake: That's way too much information for me, Catherine.

Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always take a huge dump.

Malik: Shit.

Catherine: On their chest.

Malik: Oh, that is whack.

Jake: What about her?

[indicating hunchback girl walking by]

Austin: So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.

Jake: OK.

[indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]

Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment...

Austin: Any girl with a guitar is hot.

Albino Folk Singer: [continues singing] I need sunscreen...

Austin: Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.

Jake: OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?

[indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]

Austin: So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.

Reggie Ray: Yeah, I'd do 'em.

Austin: I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.

[Janie Briggs walks by]

Austin: Well, bombs away!

Jake: No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janie Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!

Malik: Damn! That shit's whack!

Malik: What are you doing here?

Other black guy at party: What do you mean?

Malik: I am supposed to be the only black guy at this party.

Other black guy at party: Oh, damn. Shit.

Malik: I know, I know.

Other black guy at party, Malik: [Together] It's whack.

Malik: Bling-bling!

[During song]

Malik: I'm only in this song because I'm the black guy.

Jake: [Sincerely] Thanks, MaIik. You're inteIIigent and insightfuI. You don't get the respect you deserve.

Malik: [Eagerly] That's great! I've aIways wanted to discuss...

Jake: [Interrupting] I actually got to go. Sorry.

Malik: Sure, Why Not?, After All I am Jus the token black guy. I'm jus supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say thing like: "Damn," "shit," and "that's whack."

Kazaam: [lifting malik by the neck] Now, where's Max?

Malik: Uh... du... du... du... uh... he... uh... he went down that shaft.

Kazaam: WHAT?

Malik: Umm... uh... uh... there was nothin I could do, now put me down...

[starts choking]

Malik: ... I'm afraid of heights.

Kazaam: Wish not granted!

[Shapes Malik into a basketball, and then slam-dunks him into the Air duct]

Malik: As a black man in America, my stress comes from everywhere. Recognize. Take a look around you. Look at this, Columbus, it disgusts me. Fool wasn't nothin' but a thief, mass murder. He done slaughtered millions of native Americans, and we done got a holiday and university named after his honor.

Malik: Tell me why, why would somebody board up a door from the inside?