Malcolm Quotes in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Malcolm: Who was that in the video?

Caesar: A good man... like you.

[Last Lines]

Caesar: War has... already begun. Ape started war. And human... Human will not forgive. You must go... before fighting begins. I am sorry... my friend.

Malcolm: I thought we had a chance.

Caesar: I did too.

Malcolm: Apes do not want war.

Malcolm: Okay, gentlemen, let's go. First, my colleague Paul will be modeling the 'gray wolf.' I must apologize for my assistant's handicaps. He has unusually long arms and an alarmingly small neck. Now while I agree it doesn't seem the right time of year to be acquiring a coat with such thermal efficiency...

One Two: It is the middle of fucking summer.

Malcolm: However, Christmas is always around the corner!

Malcolm: I'm not even wearing a clean pair of Granny panties.

Det. Barzak: [Malcolm is walking through a cemetery stealing flowers, then places them in front of an urn & begins to pray as he opens the urn] Ashes to ashes; dust to dust, huh man?

Malcolm: Aww, man... You guys ain't got no respect for the dead.

Det. Hazeltine: All right, come on out of there, Malcolm.

Det. Barzak: [Nick begins pulling bags of white powder from the urn, and tasting them] What do we got here? A little blow? A LOTTA blow. Hey, this is that black tar, isn't it?

Malcolm: Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about getting into the roofing business.

Det. Barzak: [Nick opens a larger bag of yellowish powder & tastes it] What's this? This shit - what is it?

Malcolm: Actually, that's my mother.

Det. Barzak: [Spits the ashes back into the bag]

Det. Barzak: You're new around here. What's your name?

Malcolm: Malcolm.

Det. Barzak: Malcolm?

Malcolm: Yeah. What are you - welcome wagon?

Det. Barzak: Yeah. I've seen you oozing around the street. What is your scam?

Malcolm: Who me? Uh, I sell Amway products. Ha ha...

Det. Barzak: Yeah, ha ha. I catch you dealing any soap flakes in this neighborhood, I will cripple you.

Malcolm: I ain't afraid of no jive-ass cop, man. I KNOW my rights.

[turns to leave]

Det. Barzak: [puts him in a painful wrist lock] Malcolm: I am NOT your normal jive-ass cop, all right? And around here, you GOT no rights!

Malcolm: Oww! You must be 'Berzerk'!

Det. Barzak: You don't know the half of it, baby.

[throws him into a garbage pile]

Malcolm: [grunting in pain & cluthching his wrist] Aah...

Det. Barzak: Hey! Malcolm: have a nice day.

Malcolm: [Attempting to intimidate Det. Barzak into stopping an interrogation and letting him go] On the homicide hit-parade, YOU are number one WID' A BULLET, Jack!

Malcolm: That is a bag of clean... untraceable... money.

Malcolm: Phoebe - how would you like to supervise our Sidney for a month or two?

Phoebe: No way.

Malcolm: Go on; you'd be a good influence on the boy. Why not?

Phoebe: Infectious hepatitis, loony girlfriend, drugs?

Malcolm: Boys will be boys.

Malcolm: But Sidney's more than a mere bass player. He's a fabulous disaster. He's a symbol, a metaphor, he embodies the dementia of a nihilistic generation. He's a fuckin' star.

Malcolm: Nothing in his life became him like the leaving it.

Malcolm: Let us not be dainty of our leave-taking.

Malcolm: Receive what cheer you may. The night is long that never finds the day.

Chloe: Seriously, I can't keep up with your sexual workload.

Malcolm: Well what about you and Nick? How many times did y'all do it a week?

Chloe: I don't know, three, or four.

Malcolm: Ha!

[starts chuckling]

Chloe: What?

[Malcolm continues to laugh]

Malcolm: Awh, honey.

Chloe: What do you- What is wrong with that?

Malcolm: [to Nick, who's just arrived] Come here. Nicky, come here. You mean to tell me, you were only entering this beautiful creature three or four times in a *week*?

Nick: [Seriously] Yeah, but... To be fair, she was also entering *me* three or four times a week, so...

[Chloe starts laughing]

Nick: ... It's not so bad.

Malcolm: I like that.

Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.

Malcolm: Prove it.

Sebastian: Okay.

[pulls down his soccer shorts, everyone sees his privates]

Roger: [His Dad in the audience] That's my boy.

Eunice: Soccer is the world's favorite sport.

Malcolm: I am convinced he's hiding something.

Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.

Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to runaway.

Principal Gold: Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?

Malcolm: No, sir, I...

Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...

Viola: [as Sebastian] I gotta be completely honest. The whole dissecting thing kinda freaks me out, so uh... I think you may have to take the reins on this one.

Olivia: Wow, most guys would have never admit that.

Viola: Oh crap! You're right.

Olivia: No, don't worry I think it's refreshing.

Viola: You do?

Malcolm: [interupts] No paper near the bunsen burner.

Viola: Wait!

Olivia: What's this? poems?

Viola: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.

Olivia: [reading] "Wake up I've been waiting for you".

[Finishes]

Olivia: Those are really good. So honest.

Viola: I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.

Malcolm: I write songs too, Olivia.

Olivia: Really? Wonderful.

Malcolm: Check it out.

[sings]

Malcolm: I see you through your window, while I'm standing on a tree outside

Viola: I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.

Malcolm: [startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. Shower shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower... Did you not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.

[Duke walks in and hits Malcolm behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal]

Viola: Sup dog?

Duke: Yeah, what's kickin', homie?

Viola: Later.

Duke: Hey, you forgot, ew...

[holding up Viola's chest bandage]

Duke: This, coolio.

Viola: Word, g-money.

Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.

Malcolm: Prove it.

Sebastian: Okay.

[pulls down his soccer shorts]

Austin Jacoby: If you order a Rick Ross or Macklemore CD...

Malcolm: I would not order a Macklemore CD. That wouldn't happen.

Malcolm: So, why do I want to attend Harvard? If I was white, would you even have to ask me that question?

Dom: He's probably got one of those photogenic brains.

Malcolm: You mean photographic memory?

Dom: What I just say?

Malcolm: I mean, yeah, you just said it, reiterating.

Narrator: Malcolm lives in Inglewood, California, in the Darby-Dixon neighborhood referred to as the Bottoms.

Jib: Give me your bike!

Narrator: Malcolm's friends Jib and Diggy are also geeks.

Jib: All I wanna do is a zoom, zoom, zoom and a boom boom.

Malcolm: Word.

Diggy: Guys, the FBI can track us. The police...

Jib: No, they can't. Not if you use a Tor browser.

Diggy: What the fuck is that?

Jib: Onion routing.

Malcolm: Layered encryptions.

Jib: It's like a game of Whac-A-Mole with thousands of computers...

Diggy: Wait, what the fuck is a Whac-A-Mole?

Malcolm: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Malcolm Adekanbi. I'm a straight-A student with nearly perfect SAT scores. I play in a punk band with my friends and I'm a 90s hip hop geek. A bad day for most geeks would be being the butt of jokes but when you live in the Bottoms, a bad day could look like this.

Malcolm: If Neil deGrasse Tyson were writing about Ice Cube, this is what it would look like.

Mr. Bailey: You go to high school in Inglewood. You think you're going to get into Harvard?

Malcolm: I'm from a poor, crime-filled neighborhood, raised by a single mother, don't know my dad, blah, blah. It's cliche.

[first lines]

Malcolm: Soon the world is only going to buy and sell products using bitcoins.

Jaleel: Yo, Lilu, what are you doing opening the door butt ass naked for? Excuse my dumbass sister, man. What up?

Malcolm: Are you AJ?

Jaleel: No, that's my dad.

Malcolm: I need to speak to him. It's about boys' club.

Jaleel: Right, right, well, my dad's at his office for like a couple hours but y'all could hang out here until he gets back if you want.

Malcolm: We, um, you know...

Jaleel: Hey, you want to come in?

Malcolm: Yeah, yeah

Jaleel: Come in

Caitlin: [angrily] What are you doing?

Owen: [laughing] What did I do? Having fun. It's all good. Nobody got hurt.

Caitlin: It's not all good! You can't do that. That is the reason that places like this get shut down.

Owen: [to teenager Malcolm] Is it me, or is she very sexy right now?

Malcolm: She's certainly got my attention.

Owen: Right... you're an impressive man. I want to be you when I grow up.

Caitlin: I'm so tired of this guy. Aren't you tired? Aren't you sick of yourself? I'm sick of it! I'm sick of who I am around you. I'm sick of having to be this person. I'm not this person.

Owen: Come on, I'm just messing around.

Caitlin: No! That's why...

[referring to their relationship]

Caitlin: that's why this doesn't happen. This is just a job now. I wish this wasn't just a job.

Malcolm: I've banged a lot of waitresses in my day, but you, you, you were the best.

Cookie Fleck: You don't forget the best.

Malcolm: My scrotum is longer than my penis.

Malcolm: I have this theory. I think, historically, women have been held back in so many ways that when they get power like they do behind the wheel, they can't help but abuse it. It's akin to Hannah Arendt's Eichmann theory about prison guards and prisoners switching roles.

Malcolm: Make sure you can handle rejection. I can't.

Pauline: What's up?

Malcolm: I don't wanna do this.

Pauline: Come on, don't be that way.

Malcolm: No, I'm not being that way. I just don't feel like it. I'm gonna go back and... I have work to do.

Pauline: Dick doesn't care that you don't make any money.

Malcolm: Is that what you - that's not why. I just hate swimming. I really hate it. It's disgusting to me. My mistake was saying I'd do it to begin with. You have fun.

Pauline: Fine. We'll have fun.

Malcolm: People always pee in the pool.

Pauline: I don't think Dick and Maisy pee in their pool.

Malcolm: I'll bet you 500 dollars there's pee in that pool!

Malcolm: I have the emotional version of whatever bad feng shui would be I don't know. You tell me. You understand this shit.

Pauline: Did you drink your teas?

Malcolm: Yeah, I drank my fucking teas.

Malcolm: I haven't had that thing yet, where you realize that you're not the most important person in the world.

Malcolm: Paul apologizes for not coming. She's still getting the house ready.

Margot: I'm sorry it was such short notice.

Malcolm: I don't care. Paul's frantic, but I don't give a shit. Oh, and Ingrid wants me to tell you that she made us all bracelets.

Ingrid: No, I said we should wait.

Malcolm: I thought you asked me to tell them. Anyways, I got Knicks colours.

Ingrid: They're not Knicks colours!

Margot: It's beautiful, Ingrid.

Ingrid: Where's your dad and Josh?

Claude: They might come later.

Margot: Josh's spring break is next week, and then Jim teaches through Friday. Then he opens the house in Vermont on the weekend.

Malcolm: It means a lot to Pauline that you came.

Margot: Good.

Malcolm: [swerving to avoid a car] Holy Jesus! Watch it, dicksack! God! If you're wondering about the mustache...

Margot: No, I wasn't.

Malcolm: I had a full beard for a while, and then when I shaved it I left this part for last, you know, to see how it looked. And... it's meant to be funny.

Pauline: I was dating that guy Horace back then. Do you remember him?

Margot: Was that the guy who liked to rough you up?

Pauline: No, that was our dad.

Margot: Our dad used to strip down to his skivvies and beat us with a belt.

Malcolm: That man had a sexual screw loose.

Pauline: That's awful, that stuff that happens to kids. Malcolm was fondled by a male babysitter.

Malcolm: Just use that information however you want.

Margot: He's doing the interview with me in town on Friday. Did I tell you he and I are collaborating on a screenplay? An adaptation of one of Dick's novels.

Pauline: No. I didn't even know you knew he was up here.

Malcolm: [while drawing with Claude and Ingrid] Is he even a good writer? Why do people care about him?

Pauline: You're competitive with everyone. It doesn't even matter if they do the same thing as you. He's competitive with Bono.

Malcolm: It's true. I don't subscribe to the credo that there's enough room for everyone to be successful. I think there are only a few spots available, and people like Dick Koosman and Bono are taking them up.

[continues drawing a picture of a man and woman having sex]

Margot: Malcolm, what would ever make you think that's something to draw right now?

Malcolm: [looks around at what Claude and Ingrid are drawing; crumples up his paper] Sorry. I wasn't thinking about it. Sorry Margot.

Pauline: Margot told Claude something I expressly told her in confidence, and he told Ingrid. I'm stunned that she put me in this position. It's so fucking infuriating!

Malcolm: Well, it's one of those things...

Pauline: Don't say anything, OK? You know what, just be there for me, silently.

Malcolm: OK.

Pauline: Why do I have to be so careful around her, but everyone is allowed to make fun of me?

Malcolm: I don't think...

Pauline: Malcolm, what did I just say? I just need you to take my side. I don't need you to make it better. Ingrid's really upset. Fuck, I can't believe she put me in this position! I didn't tell you before because I didn't want you to feel like you had to marry me. I found out right before our seminar that I'm pregnant.

Malcolm: Uh-huh.

Pauline: Well? Does that sound good to you?

Malcolm: I'm still digesting Margot telling Claude. What a fucking nutjob. Sorry. I think I'm really happy.

Malcolm: [Margot turns around; startled by Malcolm's presence] Sorry. I'm here.

Margot: I didn't see you.

Malcolm: I'm just writing my vows. I'm trying to do something appropriate but also funny. Not jokey, more character-based humour. You having an OK time?

Margot: Yeah, besides Wizard getting out.

Malcolm: Yeah. We'll find him. Or else, I don't know.

Margot: We won't.

Malcolm: Right. Or else, he's dead or something. It means a lot to Paul that you came.

Margot: Yeah.

Malcolm: I wanna punch that guy in the nose.

Pauline: You've never hit anyone.

Malcolm: I have too!

Pauline: Who?

Malcolm: Lots of people. You don't know them. They're not around cause I punched them.

Pauline: [bursts out laughing]

Malcolm: Who am I kidding? I can't sell a house in this market! Immediate possession? It's already possessed!

Malcolm: Oh, Father. Thank God you could make it.

Father Williams: Nigger, call me Doug. I don't like being called "Father." No way. Plus, I got a couple issues with a few people out there claiming false child support. I mean, just 'cause the little nigger got my eyes, my nose, my extremely rare AB-negative blood type, don't mean I'm the damn daddy.

[first lines]

Malcolm: Why isn't this stupid thing working? See, that's that bullshit. I'm taking this shit right back to Best Buy.

[takes off lens cap]

Malcolm: Or not. Stupid lens cap.

[last lines]

Malcolm: Yeah baby! I lived! I lived! In your face! In your face! You thought you'll move in my house and kill me? What?

[laughs]

Malcolm: She's right behind me, isn't she?

[Malcolm is dragged away screaming]

Malcolm: You made a deal with the devil for a pair of shoes?

Kisha: Not shoes, Malcolm! Louboutins, okay?

Malcolm: Bitch! There is a ghost in the house!

Father Williams: Uh, bro, I'm gonna have to level with you. This bitch don't look right. I mean, she look all ashy and shit, and just... You know, like E.T. with a weave. If I was you, I'd just be out. Let's just go. Come on. Let's go.

Malcolm: Uh, I... I can't leave her. That's my girl.

Father Williams: Are you kidding me? Come on, man. There's so much pussy in the world, man. You don't have to be with just her. Come to the congregation. I've got a few in the congregation, I'm trying to tell you.

[Father Williams pulls a photo from his wallet]

Father Williams: Check this out. Now, I know she look old. I know she... But she a freak, and she got skills.

Malcolm: Oh, my God! What did you do?

Father Williams: Shit, I did you a favor.

Malcolm: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Rosa!

Rosa: I just wanted my last check, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Oh, my God, you shot my housekeeper.

Father Williams: You mean, your ex-housekeeper. Look, man, the bitch can't be jumping out on me like that. You ain't gonna tell nobody, right? I got warrants.

Malcolm: [Writing in a journal] Is Agouhl... the same demon... that possessed Kisha? When... are the republicans gonna slip... and call Obama the N-word? When... are they gonna stop making scary movies... without the Wayans? They fucking suck!

Malcolm: [Screams, after lifting the safe off of a dead Shiloh] MY FUCKING DOG IS A PANCAKE!

Professor Wilde: [Farts loudly on the toilet] Ow, Fuck!

Malcolm: [Dives for Cover, then sits up moments later] Nigga, I thought somebody was shootin'.

Professor Wilde: Thai food, it's spicy going in but it's TWICE as spicy going out, that's scientifically impossible!

Malcolm: [to Andrew] Boy you are 2 kinds of crazy.

Leah Fuller: If you'd checked the schedule you would've seen that Carrie had a violin lesson, and Andrew had tutoring.

Malcolm: Tutoring? He's only 2 years old.

[last lines]

Malcolm: You never know when Big Momma might show up again!

Sherri: Malcolm, all the talks we had about having the baby and how it was going to change things. You promised me you were up for this.

Malcolm: Yeah baby, but to be fair, you were naked when most of those promises were made.

Marge: Oh my God! He's got my underwear!

Malcolm: Oh, very nice, a pervert ghost!

Rufus: Any more luggage, boy?

Malcolm: Boy? Ain't y'all motherfuckers ever heard of the Civil Rights Movement?

Rufus: Is that like anything like a bowel movement?

Malcolm: Pleasant Valley. Hmm. More like Death Valley.

Malcolm: Either one of you inbred country fucks knows where my woman is... better tell me now.

Strolling Minstrel A, Strolling Minstrel B: [singing] The boy wants his bitch / Yeah, the boy wants his bitch / Sad, sad thing / A boy without his bitch.

Mayor Buckman: Got any last requests, boy?

Malcolm: Yeah. Kiss my black ass!

Malcolm: I may not know my flowers, but I know a bitch when I see one!

[last lines]

Malcolm: I'm just, uh, looking for something new. Something to inspire me.

Woman: Great. Let me show you around.

Malcolm: I keep trying to figure out in what way that I failed him...

Malcolm: I don't believe that there is much of a future to speak of.

Pearl: We're in a bit of a decadent spiral, aren't we?

Billy: Sinking fast.

Ray: Big Brother, baby, all the way.

Malcolm: Which is why we prefer impressions to ideas.

Billy: Situations to subjects.

Pearl: Brief flights to sustained ones.

Ray: Exceptions to types.

Pearl: And yourself?

Arthur Stuart: What? I'm... I'm just lookin' for a room at the moment.

Malcolm: Okay, I see that you're... a writer from... Phoenix, Montana. You've come here to be inspired by the English countryside and to get away from the hustle and bustle of your life in the U.S. of A.

Greta Evans: No.

Malcolm: Close.

Greta Evans: Um... not at all. No.

Malcolm: Shit! Man, where's the fucking scarecrow?

Maria: This is first base.

[She and Josh kiss]

Maria: And this is second base.

[she lifts Josh's hand to her breast]

Josh: How do I get a home run?

Malcolm: You don't!

Malcolm: Josh, Man, if this ain't good... If this ain't good, Man, I'm gonna kill you.

Josh: It's not good. Get dressed!

[a crow perches on a scarecrow]

Malcolm: You're fired.