Major John Reisman Quotes in The Dirty Dozen (1967)

Major John Reisman: [Kinder has just finished a psychiatric evaluation of Reisman's troops] So what does that give you?

Capt. Stuart Kinder: Doesn't give me anything. But along with these other results, it gives *you* just about the most twisted, anti-social bunch of psychopathic deformities I have ever run into! And the worst, the most dangerous of the bunch, is Maggott. You've got one religious maniac, one malignant dwarf, two near-idiots... and the rest I don't even wanna think about!

Major John Reisman: Well, I can't think of a better way to fight a war.

Capt. Stuart Kinder: These people don't know their enemy is the Germans. They think the enemy is their own United States Army!

Major John Reisman: Maybe that's because the Germans haven't done anything to them yet.

Major John Reisman: Any questions?

Maggot: Suh? Do we have to eat with niggahs?

[Jefferson jumps Maggot]

Sergeant Clyde Bowren: [as Reisman exits the room] : What's going on, sir?

Major John Reisman: Oh, the gentleman from the South had a question about the dining arrangements. He and his comrades are discussing place settings now.

Major John Reisman: You've seen a general inspecting troops before haven't you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!

Major John Reisman: Which one of you guys wants to be a general?

[to Pinkley]

Major John Reisman: Pinkley?

Pinkley: What kind of general, sir?

Major John Reisman: Just a plain, ordinary, every day, home-lovin' American general.

Pinkley: I'd rather be a civilian, sir.

Major John Reisman: I never went in for embroidery, just results.

Major John Reisman: [briefing the dozen] And kill any officer in sight.

Victor R. Franko: Ours or theirs?

Major John Reisman: And where is Donald Duck?

Samson Posey: Donald Duck's down at the crossroads with a machine gun.

Major John Reisman: He'd better not be asleep or we all be in trouble, huh!

Col. Everett Dasher Breed: Reisman! Some people may consider you a first-class officer. But as far as I'm concerned, you're a disorganized, undisciplined clown. I'm gonna' make it my business to run you out of this Army.

Major John Reisman: I owe you an apology, colonel. I always thought that you were a cold, unimaginative, tight-lipped officer. But you're really quite emotional, aren't you?

Major John Reisman: How come you speak German?

Joseph T. Wladislaw: My old man came from Silesia. He didn't speak German, he didn't dig coal. If he didn't dig coal, he didn't eat.

Major John Reisman: What do you think, Sergeant?

Sergeant Clyde Bowren: I think you'll do just fine, sir.

Major John Reisman: [emphatically] Don't give me that! I said what do you think?

Sergeant Clyde Bowren: I think the first chance one of those lovers gets, he's going to shoot the Major right in the head... sir.

Capt. Stuart Kinder: [while the dozen are cavorting with the prostitutes in the guards' barracks] I wonder if any of them even know it's Mother's Day.

Major John Reisman: [glances at Kinder and pauses briefly] is it?

Major John Reisman: Posey, what did they lock you up for? I mean, what did you do?

Samson Posey: I already told you that sir.

Major John Reisman: Well tell me again. I'm sure your friends over here would like to know too.

Samson Posey: This fella kept pushing me. I don't like t be pushed so I hit him.

Major John Reisman: Killed a man with your bare hands because he shoved you?

Samson Posey: I only hit him once.

Major John Reisman: Only him him once. And drove his jawbone right through his brain because he pushed him.

Major John Reisman: Boy, do I love that Franko.

Samson Posey: I don't want to hurt you Major.

Major John Reisman: You're not gonna hurt me, I'm gonna hurt you.

Major John Reisman: You know what to do, free the French and shoot the Germans!

Gen. Denton: I take it you don't deny your responsibility for the fact that on the night of April 14/15, a military establishment of the United States Army was the scene of a drunken party! At which no less than seven female civilians took an active part!

Major John Reisman: [deadpan] Oh yes, sir, they took an active part.

[Gen. Worden muffles a laugh]

Major John Reisman: You only hit him once?

Samson Posey: I didn't mean to kill him!

Major John Reisman: [after going through the 16 steps of the mission on the plane, someone says Seventeen] Seventeen. D-day. We get out as best we can and make our way to the coast. And hope that the entire invasion hasn't been a total disaster. Otherwise, we got a long swim home.