Madea Quotes in I Can Do Bad All by Myself (2009)

Jennifer: My Grandma Rose used to tell us to pray about things like this.

Madea: Then that's what you ought to do, pray about it, talk to the Lord about it. He'll help you.

Jennifer: Yeah but she only told us to pray. She never told us how. Would you teach me?

Madea: Huh?

Jennifer: Please!

Madea: Show you how to pray?

Jennifer: Yeah.

Madea: Oh, Lord, child, I ain't talked to God since the last time I saw a cop in my rearview mirror. I guess I can try. You know the number?

Jennifer: The what?

Madea: The number. To call him. They say, "Jesus On the Mainline." I don't know the number. Okay, sit back. Bow your head. First, giving honor to God, to the head of my life.

[sings]

Madea: Father, I stretch my hand... to thee. Father God. God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. God of Shadrach, Meshach and the billy goat, who was in the fiery furnace that they barbecued on the day of Pentecost when the Jewish people returned from the Sabbath day up on the mountaintop in Ethiopia. God of Mary J. Blige...

Jennifer: Madea, that doesn't sound right. That's not how Mama Rose used to do it.

Madea: You ain't feel it? You ain't feel the anointing?

Jennifer: No.

Madea: Alright. Well, look, I don't know nothing about praying. But all praying is is talking to God and having a conversation with him. And at the end, you say the name of Jesus. That's your stamp that will get it up there to him. You hear?

Jennifer: Okay.

Joe: Mabel? What the hell wrong with you? You don't be coming...

Madea: Wake the Hell up.

Joe: You about to give me a heart attack.You too ugly to be waking somebody up in the middle of night, I told you that.You gotta ease that ugly up on people. You can't just show it to them all at once.

Madea: You know who you remind me of right now? You remind me of Peter. You know who Peter was? Peter was one of the twelve disciplines. And they were out on a boat near an isle in the Greek Atlantic Ocean. And when they was on this boat, a storm rose up and the twelve disciplines, they got really, really worried and upset. They said, "Oh Lord, what are we gonna do?" and they saw something coming towards them that looked like a ghost. But it wasn't a ghost. It was Jesus. And Peter said, "Jesus, if that's you then let me come out to you." You gotta be careful what you ask the Lord for. So Jesus said, "Come on out." So Peter stepped out of the boat and was walking on the water.

Jennifer: He was walking on water?

Madea: On the water. He was walking on the water toward Jesus. Long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he stayed on top of the water. He took his eyes off him though. You know why? He got distracted. You know why he got distracted? See, this is what you got to do. When you got your eye on Jesus, you can't get distracted by nothing. Jonah passed by in the belly of the whale. He looked down, Free Willy, with Jonah inside the belly and it made him distracted so he started to sink. He said, "Jesus, Jesus, help me." Jesus said, "I can't. I got to go to Calvary. I'm late." So Jesus went on to the cross. He said, "Don't worry though. I'm gonna send you a comforter. When the comforter come, you gonna be alright." So he's swimming. He try and swim. He was worried. And Jaws was coming. Spielberg did that Jaws thing. And he was surrounded. You know what happened?

Jennifer: What?

Madea: Just in the nick of time... See this is what I'm talking about, when you think you ain't gonna make it, in the nick of time, something happens. Noah came up in the arch. That's right, Noah came rowing up in the arch of St. Louis Arch. He pulled right up beside him. Peter got on there, he said, "Thank you for saving me." Noah said, "No problem, man. It's cool. What up, fool?" So he showed him around. Noah had turned the arch into a cruise ship cause he ain't have nothing to do after he saved the world. Hey, you know who was on there? Eve.

Jennifer: Eve?

Madea: She was in the VIP section. And Peter asked, he said, "Eve, come on, go to the show." So she went to see this show. They had tigers. You know, they had two tigers, two bears, two lions. You know how they had the male and the female. Well, Siegfried and Roy was there, and they had the two lions there. And them Lions jumped up and scratched Eve. That's how Eve get them two paws there. You ever see Eve with the paws? She got two paws right there. Read your Bible some time, honey. Read your Bible.

Madea: What's going on with you?

Jennifer: My grandma died.

Madea: Aw I'm sorry to hear that, baby.

Jennifer: My Aunt April's gonna send us back to foster care. They gonna separate us. I'm all Manny and Byron got. If we separate, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[sobs]

Madea: Calm yourself down, honey. Calm down. Getting all worked up.

Jennifer: Can we stay with you?

Madea: Huh?

Jennifer: Nobody wants us!

Madea: That ain't true. Somebody wants you.

Jennifer: I'm only 16. I don't know how to handle all this!

Madea: Living takes a lifetime. You got a whole lot more living to do, honey. You gonna make it. Hush, now. Gotta keep getting up every day, one day at a time. You'll make it.

Madea: Hey, Harold.

Harold: Hey, Ms. Madea. What's wrong with your car now?

Madea: Nothing.

Harold: For real?

Madea: Nothing's wrong with it at all, except the other day I went out there and put my foot on the gas, and the trunk opened! What the hell is that, Harold? You are triflin' as hell! I'm so tired of bringing my car up in here for you to fix, I am not bringin' it to you no more, do you understand? Not ever again. Every time I go out there in the morning, I try to start my car, do you know what happens? Do you know what happens, Harold? It don't start; I have to pray. You know God don't like me. You know He don't like me, all the hell I done did in my lifetime, you know He don't like me at all, Harold.

Harold: Alright, let me look at...

Madea: No, sit down. Do what you do best, sit down. Just stay right where you at. Just plant your ass right there in that chair. Every time I come here, you sittin' in that chair. People waitin' on their cars, you sittin' in that chair. You supposed to be changin' the oil, you sittin' in that chair. Supposed to be changin' the windshield wiper blades, you sittin' in that chair. Supposed to wash the car, you sittin' in that chair. Let me tell you something: when you die, tell them people to bury you on your stomach to give your ass a break!

Madea: Sit down you black leprechaun looking like you're out of a damn box of chocolate, lucky charms.

Madea: See, y'all Christians is somethin'... y'all go pull out that Bible, but y'all don't know which prescripture to use for which situation. You got to find the right prescripture. There's a prescripture that says, "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so." Have you been redeemed by the Lord?

Shirley: Yes.

Madea: That's right, so if you've been redeemed by the Lord, and somebody does something to you that you don't like, even yo' kids, you can beat the hell outta them and just say, "So?" So that's what I'm'a do. I'm'a beat the hell outta them and say, "So?" And I'm'a bring them over here 'cause you've been redeemed, aight. It makes perfect sense, don't it? Halleluyer! Halleluyer!

Madea: I'm Madea! Ma to the damn D-E-A!

Madea: [about how sweet T.T. is] What're you in here for, stealing flowers? What'd you do, steal candy from the girl scouts?

T.T.: I murdered 18 men.

Joe: You ain't gotta drive nowhere to get food. I know a place where you can get fed three meals a day for free.

Madea: I ain't listening to none of your crazy talk right now, Joe.

Joe: I ain't joking here, now. I know a place where you can go work, and they gonna treat you real nice, and give you three meals a day!

Madea: What the hell you talking about? Where?

Joe: Down there at the Georgia Aquarium, they had one of the whales die. You can just go on down there and swim around for a while, and they'll feed you.

[chuckles]

Madea: Just keep on laughing you rusty old bastard.

Dr. Phil: What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need that you gotta "get" somebody all the time?

Madea: Well when you gettin' "got" and somebody done "got" you and you go "get" them, when you get 'em everybody's gon' get got.

Dr. Phil: Yea but you're gettin' the gotters when they didn't do anything to even get you.

Madea: Yea but if the gotters get me I'm gonna get my glock.

Madea: Cora do me a favor.

Cora: What?

Madea: Put the shut, to the up. Okay? Shut to the up.

Big Sal: Just shut up & let her talk!

Madea: Thank you, Biggie Smalls!

Madea: [to Mr. Brown] God don't like you... He grew you in a petri dish!

T.T.: [pulls out a box of brownies] TADA! Brownies for my brownie! I made them myself.

Madea: Yeah, what do you mean "brownies for my brownie"? You trying to call me black or somethin'?

Madea: [looking at Cora's WWJD bracelet] What's that stand for, What's Wrong with Jermaine Dupri?

Cora: No, What Would Jesus Do?

Madea: Jesus didn't have no car, Cora.

Madea: Hell to the yeah!

Madea: You're in here going on about what your daddy did to you. Your daddy is out there enjoying his life while you're in prison. You're here because of what YOU did.

Cora: I'm having some me time.

Madea: Did I ask you for some me time? Did I ever ask you for anything? I never asked you for nothing!

Madea: He had to make it drizzle 'cause he couldn't make it rain.

Madea: I don't understand why people want to be a victim. Your mama did this, your daddy did that. All they had to do was give you life and however good or however bad it was, now it's up to YOU to make something of it.

Madea: [car behind her is honking] I don't know what you blowing at me for but keep blowing.

Madea: [from trailer] Did you see Basic Instinct?

[pause]

Madea: This isn't that kind of a movie.

Madea: Love is stronger than any addiction, baby; hell, it *is* one.

Brenda: What the - Who are you?

Madea: Who you?

Brenda: I'm the owner of this house.

Madea: [buzzer sound] Wrong answer. My granddaughter Helen is the owner of THIS house! You da hoe, you aint got no power or no deed.

Brenda: [notices one or her ruined clothes] Did you do this? This is Vera Wang!

Madea: Who dat is? She do nails? I need to get my nails did.

Brenda: That's it! I'm calling the police.

Madea: I aint scared a no po po. Call da po po hoe. Call da po po hoe!

Brenda: I know Tae Kwan Do.

Madea: And I know whoop your ass.

Madea: [talking to Helen] You can get it one of two ways. You can get it from his checking account voluntarily, or his insurance policy. Involuntary manslaughter. Which one is it gon' be?

Joe: Who dat is at the door?

Madea: Shutup Joe I got this.

Joe: I'm gettin' tired of all these people comin' ova here late at night, I'ma hafta put my foot down.

Madea: Kunta Kinte put his foot down and it got chopped off. now shut the hell up and go back to sleep.

Myrtle: "Peace be still." That's what he said.

Madea: Well, peace always comes with still...

[takes out gun]

Madea: 'cause I keeps me a piece o' steel.

Brenda: If I call the cops, they will be here in *ten* minutes.

Madea: Good. Then that give me nine to beat the hell outta you.

Madea: [after typing a bunch of numbers on the calculator, carelessly] Girl, that man owe you 64 billion, 283 million, 974 trillion, 5 thousand, and 20 dollars and 82 cents.

Helen: [after seeing Debrah] What happened to her?

Madea: Life.

Bailiff: Your honor, Case #456790: The People Vs. Mabel Simmons & Helen McCarter - Criminal trespassing, Reckless endangerment, Criminal possession of a handgun, Assault with a deadly weapon, Suspended license, Expired registration, Reckless driving, and a broken tailight.

Madea: [to Helen] Girl, I know it ain't who I think it is.

Judge Ephriam: [turning cross] I know you didn't say Mabel Simmons. Madea?

Madea: How you doin', uh, Judge Mablean? It's good to see - Ooh, your hair's pretty. Girl, look at you. You're lookin' good. How you been? Hey...

Judge Ephriam: [angry] You're still at it?

Madea: This ain't even my fault. See, what happened was...

Judge Ephriam: [cuts her off] Just save it! Who's here for the defense?

[Brian, Madea's nephew walks into the courtroom]

Brian: Brian Simmons, on behalf of Mrs. McCarter and Mrs. Simmons, your honor.

Judge Ephriam: Brian.

Brian: How you doing, Judge Ephriam?

Judge Ephriam: Brian, I am getting tired of seein' your aunt.

Madea: [under her breath] Getting tired of seein' you.

Madea: [Helen throws money in Charles' face] Girl, you're crazy as hell.

Madea: Every time I try to read the Bible... and Jesus... the one with all the words in red... I open my Bible to that New Testimony and see all that red and I just give up. Jesus was talkin' way too much.

Madea: I remember this dude made me so mad, I didn't even know how mad I was until I went to his funeral.

Helen: Why were you so mad at him?

Madea: Because he hit me. Yes he hit me... and I didn't even know how mad I was until I saw him in his casket, he's 8 feet under.

Myrtle: 6 feet, that's how they bury people, Madea, 6 feet under.

Madea: That's what I'm trying to say, I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet.

Brenda: I know tae kwon do!

Madea: and I know whoop yo oss!

[hears Charles and Helen arguing downstairs!]

Madea: Oh hell no!

[Runs and smacks Brenda in the back of the head]

Brenda: Yeah, you better keep runnin'!

Brian: It won't happen again.

Judge Ephriam: Yeah, I'll bet. Bail is set at $5,000 for Mrs. McCarter, property of cash. But as for you, Madea, I'm placing you under house arrest!

Madea: You ain't gonna put me on no house arrest, honey. I ain't gonna deal with that!

Judge Ephriam: It's either that or prison! What's your choice?

Madea: [convinced] I'll take the house arrest.

Madea: Rip it.

Helen: Rip it?

Madea: Rip it.

Helen: Rip it.

Madea: Rip it. Rip it.

Helen: Rip it. Rip it.

Madea: Rip it.

Helen: Rip it.

Madea: Rip it real good. Rip it.

Helen: Wait a minute. What is this going to solve?

Madea: Nothing. It's just gonna make you feel better.

Joe: [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.

Madea: Say one more thing, Joe.

[click of gun]

Madea: Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?

Madea: Mmmhmm... How long you do that fo'?

Helen: Eighteen years.

Madea: Okay.

[pulls out a calculator]

Madea: Let's see how much he owes ya then.

[types a bunch of numbers while she speaks]

Madea: Eighteen years. Cooking. Cleaning. Havin' sex wit him when he wanted it, was it good?

Helen: [shakes head in disgust] No.

Madea: *Major* deduction.

Madea: Who is

[stares at a tag on a blouse and tries to pronounce it]

Madea: Dol-say and gab-anna, who 'dat is?

Madea: [speaking to Myrtle] I'll be at church when they get a smoking section.

Helen: He put me out of the house.

Madea: Who house?

Helen: Our house.

Madea: Exactly, how's a man throw a woman out of her own house? No man would ever do that to me, he'd put me out half of the house, I'll go live in the other half.

Madea: Half of everything in this house belongs to her, which half you want? You want this half or you want this half?

[cuts into the couch with a chainsaw]

Judge Ephriam: Brian, I am getting tired of seeing your aunt.

Madea: Getting tired of seeing you

Myrtle: I found out a long time ago that God can take care of me far better than you can.

Madea: God takes too long sometimes for me, I got to get got then.

Brian: Guess some other lucky person will make that $4,000 a month.

Brian, Madea: You know what? I believe it would be the greatest Christianity thing I could do to help somebody in need. So I'm gonna go ahead and make up these sheets and clean up.