Machete Quotes in Grindhouse (2007)

[from Machete trailer]

Priest: I took a vow of peace. And now you want me to help you KILL these men?

Machete: Yes, bro... I mean Padre.

Priest: I'll see what I can do.

[pumps shotguns]

Announcer: [first lines, voiceover] They called him Machete.

Machete: [voiceover] Seventy dollars a day for yard work. Hundred for roofing.

The Boss: [car with The Boss pulls up] Get in.

Machete: [cut to Machete in car with The Boss] One-twenty-five for septic... sewage.

The Boss: Have you ever killed anyone before?

Machete: Machete don't tweet.

Voz: I never saw this.

Machete: Machete happens.

Machete: Machete don't smoke!

Machete: Machete don't fail!

Machete: Machete don't joke!

Machete: I'm not interested.

Mr. President: Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United fucking States, man.

Luz: I thought Machete don't text.

Machete: Machete loves everybody.

Machete: [Looking to a wall of weapons] What happen to the world peace?

Miss San Antonio: Fuck world peace.

Machete: [Answering the phone] This is Machete!

Machete: Good luck on that pageant.

Miss San Antonio: I'm gonna need a lot more than luck! Did you see the ass of Miss Corpus Christi?

Grasa: Easy, hombre. You wouldn't shoot a man in a wheelchair, would you?

Machete: No.

[Machete shoots at an air tank, sending Grasa and the wheelchair rolling into enemy gunfire]

Machete: You're crazy.

Mendez: With a capital C, muchacho.

Mendez: Special Agent Mendez.

Machete: How many of you are there?

Mendez: Sorry, that's classified.

Title Card: [mock movie trailer] In a land beyond space and time...

Trailer Voice Guy: A new world enslaved. This is a land in need of a hero.

[Trejo removes his space helmet]

Trailer Voice Guy: They call him... MACHETE.

[echoing]

Trailer Voice Guy: Machete Machete.

Trailer Voice Guy: He knows the score.

Space Babe: We need a leader. We need a revolution. We need you, Machete.

Trailer Voice Guy: He gets the space babes.

[deep kiss]

Luz: The people needs us, Machete. This is a new network. It's all... galactic and shit.

Machete: He thinks he's God in heaven. So heaven must fall.

Trailer Voice Guy: And he kills the bad guys. Starring Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez...

Luz: Eat photons, bitches!

Trailer Voice Guy: ...Alexa Vega. With Justin Beaver, as Bleep. And Lady Gaga, as

[provoctive music]

Trailer Voice Guy: whoever she wants to be. With special guest star Leonardo DiCaprio, as the Man in the Silver Mask.

[in a lower voice]

Trailer Voice Guy: Actor subject to change.

[louder]

Trailer Voice Guy: Machete Kills Again... in Space.

[lower voice again]

Trailer Voice Guy: Rated X for cigarette use, prolonged sexual content, pervasive language, and space violence.

Police Captain: Why help the U.S.?

Machete: 'Cause I'm the only that can.

Police Captain: You're always the sensitive one, Machete.

Mr. President: Machete, what's this I hear about you having Mendez in custody?

Machete: Things got complicated.

Mr. President: No shit! You were supposed to take him out, not give him a joyride on the Good Ship Lollypop! Damn it, I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion. Machete kills. That's what he does! He doesn't save the bad guys! Now shoot that motherfucker!

Machete: If he dies, you die. The missile is wired to his heart.

Mr. President: Come again?

Miss San Antonio: Machete, can it be disarmed?

Machete: Only where it was made. VozTech.

Mr. President: VozTech is the biggest weapons supplier to our military! You want to bring him all the way back to the fucking manufacturer?

Machete: I need your help getting him across the border. This is a part of something big. I can feel it.

Mr. President: Last time I sent a black op team into Mexico, they got dead and I got the Oval ass-fuck.

Voz: Mendez wasn't my only boogeyman. North Korea, Russia, I have a Mendez everywhere. And in a matter of hours, they'll launch on one another, throwing the world into gargantuan, unrecoverable anarchy. Too many syllables? The world is fucked.

Machete: Why?

Voz: This world must end in order for a more perfect one to emerge. And like it or not, Mr. Machete, you're coming with me.

Machete: Machete don't text.

Sartana: I thought Machete don't text.

Machete: Machete improvises.

Federale Officer: You're the boss.

Machete: No.

[Pulls out machete]

Machete: This is the boss.

Padre Benito del Toro: [offers Machete a cigar] Cuban?

Machete: Mexican.

Padre Benito del Toro: It's not safe for you to be here.

Machete: I'm not looking for "safe".

Padre Benito del Toro: No, I mean it's not safe for me for you to be here!

[Padre quickly blesses Machete]

Padre Benito del Toro: I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!

Booth's Bodyguard #1: [seeing Machete walking towards Booth's doorsteps carrying a pickaxe and a motor scythe] Hey, hey-heh, boss. Who are you?

Machete: The new gardener.

Booth's Bodyguard #1: The gardener.

[speaks Hungarian to Machete]

Booth's Bodyguard #1: Just fuckin' with you, cheef. It's Hungarian for I going to kill you, you little monkey. You know what, there's a big pile of shit in the back, you can go and clean that up, all right? Make sure you do a good job.

[Machete walks past him silently]

Booth's Bodyguard #1: Make sure to wipe those boots off. Carrying shit in the house.

[to his colleague]

Booth's Bodyguard #1: You ever noticed how you let a Mexican into your house just because he's got gardening tools? No questions asked, you just let him right in. Could have a chainsaw, you know, a machete...

Booth: Tell me, where are my wife and daughter?

Machete: With God.

Booth: Well, I guess I won't be seeing them.

Machete: Get dressed.

Chica: It's too hot for clothes.

Machete: Are you Shé?

Luz: If I were Shé, do you think I'd be operating a taco truck? Shé brings hope. Shé rights the wrongs. Unfortunately, Shé is a myth.

[last lines]

Sartana: Where will you go?

Machete: Everywhere.

Sartana: Then I'll ride with you...

Machete: You're a fighter.

Luz: Only when there's something worth fighting for.

Sartana: I started working on the night shift taking out the trash. But I worked my way up. As translator, assistant... Now I'm Special Agent in charge of investigations.

Machete: Sounds like they still got you taking out the trash.

Doc Felix: [Machete sees surgical tools] Oh, you don't want to mess with that. That's a skull scraper; we use that to scrape the bones clean. And those cut through flesh just like butter.

Machete: [grabs nurses belt] Pass me that tank.

Sartana: I called in a few favors. Look at this. Got you all the right papers. You can start over now, be a real person.

Machete: [hands back the papers] Why do I want to be a real person when I'm already a myth?

[first lines]

Federale Officer: [in Spanish; subtitled] We're federal agents, not martyrs. This is suicide. She's just another kidnap victim.

[holding up picture]

Federale Officer: What makes her special? Because she's a witness against Torrez? He probably has her locked up, drugged our of her mind. We don't have to do this!

Machete: If not us, then who?

Julio: We just wanna help, bro.

Machete: I don't need you help.

Julio: If not us, then who?