Mac Quotes in Predator (1987)

Mac: You're ghostin' us, motherfucker. I don't care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I'll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?

Mac: [to Blain's corpse] Here we are again, bro... Just you and me. Same kind of moon, same kind of jungle. Real number 10, remember? Whole platoon, 32 men chopped into meat... We walk out, just you and me, nobody else. Right on top, huh? Not a scratch... Not a fuckin' scratch. You know, who ever got you, they'll come back again. And when he does, I'm gonna cut your name right into him... I'm gonna cut your name into him!

Mac: Long Tall Sally, she built sweet, she got everything, that Uncle John need. Aw baby, I'm gonna have me some fun, I'm gonna have me some fun, I'm gonna have me some fun.

Dutch: What's got Billy so spooked?

Mac: Can't say, Major. Been actin' squirrelly all morning. That damned nose of his... it's weird.

Dutch: What is it? Billy? What the hell is wrong with you?

Billy: There's something in those trees.

Dutch: Do you see anything?

Billy: Up there ahead.

Dutch: Nothing. What do you think?

Billy: I guess it's nothing, Major.

Mac: Goddamn! Shew. Buddy buddy-buddy-buddy-buddy. I've seen some bad-ass bush before, man, but nothin' like this.

Blain: I hear ya. This shit's somethin'. Makes Cambodia look like Kansas.

Mac: Hey, que pasa, amigo? Little taste of home.

Blain: You lose it here, you're in a world of hurt.

Mac: I know one thing, Major, I drew down and fired straight at it. Capped off two hundred rounds in the minigun, full pack. Nothing... Nothing on Earth could've lived. Not at that range.

Blain: Payback time.

Mac: Time to let Ol' Painless' out of the bag.

Dutch: Mac, any sign of the other hostages?

Mac: Found the other hostage. He's dead, too. And the kid in the chopper. If these guys are Central Americans then I'm a goddamn Chinaman. From the looks of things, our Cabinet Minister was CIA. Another thing, Major: those other guys you waxed were Russian Military Advisors. Something very big was going to happen here.

Dutch: Good work, Mac. Clear the area; leave no traces. Go get the other men.

Mac: Right.

Mac: [whispering] I see you!

Mac: Hey, Dillon.

[Dillon comes over and sees Mac motion to the trees; Mac takes a blade puts it on Dillon's back, Dillon spins around, his gun aimed but then sees a scorpion on the end of the blade]

Dillon: Thanks!

Mac: [pauses] Anytime...

Poncho: [seeing the body of the pig that almost killed Mac] Jesus, you killed a pig... Think you could'a found something bigger?

Mac: [Billy laughs loudly] Fuck you, Poncho! Fuck you!

Mac: You're lucky I turned up, Jonesey. Dovchenko there wanted to blow your brains out. That's the third time I saved your life.

Indiana Jones: Unshackle me. I'll give you a big hug.

Indiana Jones: So what are you, a triple agent?

Mac: Nah, I just lied about being a double.

Mutt Williams: Mom!

Indiana Jones: Honey!

Mac: Slow down!

Indiana Jones: Honey! Stop, we're gonna go the cliff!

Marion Ravenwood: That's the idea!

Indiana Jones: Bad idea; give me the wheel!

Marion Ravenwood: Trust me!

[Steps on gas]

Marion Ravenwood: [Mutt screems]

[Car lands in tree, and Marion smiles and steps on gas, drives down into the river, and tree flys up and hits Russian soldiers, and some of them fall]

Indiana Jones: Don't ever do that again!

Marion Ravenwood: Yes, dear!

Professor 'Ox' Oxley: Three times it drops! The way down...

Indiana Jones: Reverse! Put it in reverse! Reverse! Reverse!

[Go off water]

Indiana Jones: [Everyone screems]

Indiana Jones: [Coughing] Three times it drops?

Professor 'Ox' Oxley: Three times it drops!

Mutt Williams: He means by land?

Marion Ravenwood: Oh, what does he mean?

Indiana Jones: He means one... two...

[Go off another waterfall]

Indiana Jones: [Coughing] ... Three!

[Takes off hat]

Indiana Jones: [Go off biggest waterfall]

[Screeming]

Indiana Jones: [Marion still holding wheel with no truck!] Marion! Marion!

[Pulls wheel out of her hands]

Professor 'Ox' Oxley: Through eyes at last I saw in tears...

Mutt Williams: ...the golden vision reapears! Through eyes... through eyes in tears! We gotta go through that waterfall!

Indiana Jones: The skull has to be returned! I'll do it! No one else has to come!

Mutt Williams: Who cares! It's brought us nothing but trouble!

[Pointing at Ox]

Mutt Williams: Look what it did to him!

Indiana Jones: I have to return it!

Marion Ravenwood: Why you?

Indiana Jones: Because it told me to!

Mac: You broke my nose!

Indiana Jones: I told you.

Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: Enough! You will speak to Oxley and lead us to Akator, yes?

Indiana Jones: Nyet.

Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: Take him outside.

Indiana Jones: We were younger.

Mac: I still am young!

Indiana Jones: We had guns. Put your hands down, will you? You're embarrassing us.

Mac: Bet you 500 bucks we get out of this.

[Dovchenko arrives and faces Indy]

Mac: Let's call it 100.

Indiana Jones: Compass! I need a compass! You know, north, south, east...

Mac: West.

Indiana Jones: No compass?

Indiana Jones: [to Dovchenko] I need your bullets!

Dovchenko: [to Russians] HaHa! On zhelayet moih patrone!

[Russian laugh]

Indiana Jones: [to Spalko] The contents of that box are highly magnitized. I need gun powder. You want my help or not?

Mac: Jonesy!

[Indiana punches Mac in the face]

Mac: Don't get clever, Boris. You don't know him.

[Russian speeds up car]

Mac: Know him. Know him. You don't know him! You don't know him!

Mac: Jonesy! I'm going to be all right.

Pinky: You don't look like a "Mac".

Mac: Katsuhiko Kumanosuke Takaashi.

Pinky: So, Mac.

Mac: It's impossible. But doable.

Mac: Rule number one: never carry a gun. If you carry a gun you may be tempted to use it.

Gin: What are you doing here?

Mac: I'm going to ask you some questions. If I don't like your answers, you're going out the window. Why are you following me?

Gin: I've got a proposition for you.

Mac: How do I know that you're not a cop?

Gin: I-I don't know. You-You're just going to have to trust me.

Mac: Rule number two: never trust a naked woman.

Mac: Has there ever been anyone you couldn't manipulate, beguile or seduce?

Gin: No.

Gin: You stole my suitcase?

Mac: I'm a thief. So sue me.

Gin: I said this is called entrapment.

Mac: No, actually it's called blackmail. Entrapment is what cops do to thieves.

Mac: What's the job?

Gin: Like the wise man said: first we try then we trust.

Mac: I'm never late. If I'm late it's because I'm dead.

Mac: You are the most beautiful crook I've ever seen.

Gin: Why, thank you kind sir.

Mac: I don't like surprises.

Gin: Trust me, there won't be any.

Mac: Trust me, there always are surprises.

Mac: This is it? Whatever happened to money? I mean where is the good old-fashioned loot?

Mac: Believe me, I was prepared for everything - except you.

Mac: I have absolutely no reason to believe anything you say.

Gin: But you want to.

Gin: Look what you've done to that beautiful car!

Mac: Thank God it's not mine.

Gin: Is all this paid for?

Mac: With blood.

Mac: In order for there to be complete trust between thieves, there can be nothing personal.

Mac: We'll either both get caught or both get dead.

Mac: You know what they say about fear. The only remedy is to cut off the head.

Gin: I give you the world's tallest building.

Mac: And we're going to steal it?

Mac: Now time stands still - hopefully.

Mac: Give me the spanner!

Gin: The what?

Mac: The wrench!

Aaron Thibadeaux: Wanna tell me why my Jaguar looks like you drove it off a fuckin' cliff?

Mac: Thibadeaux, I'm awfully sorry.

Aaron Thibadeaux: You own me 140 G's.

Mac: How about a $40 million Chinese mask?

Gin: I'm not who you think I am, Mac.

Mac: I hope not. For your sake.

Gin: I stole the Rembrandt.

[pause]

Gin: Mac! I stole the Rembrandt.

Mac: ...and I painted the Sistine Chapel.

Gin: Oh come on! Ask me how I did it.

Mac: So how'd you do it?

Gin: I came in from the roof. I dropped twenty floors down on a McNeel descender.

Mac: Well, you must be one hell of a climber.

Gin: I am a hell of a climber.

[begins to scale the side of the room]

Gin: I am, one, hell of a climber.

[a train passes and Gin appears on the opposite platform]

Mac: How did you do it?

Gin: I jumped trains mid-station. When the train slowed down I just... It was perfect.

Mac: Was it now?

Gin: [starts walking along the platform] You know what, Mac? I don't want to hold the record alone.

Mac: No?

Gin: I need your help on another job.

Mac: Wow. The crown jewels or something?

Gin: [smiling] No! Come on! Too easy.

[last lines]

[a train passes and Mac disappears off the opposite platform]

Gin: [calls] Mac?

[playing]

Gin: Mac.

[louder]

Gin: Mac!

Mac: [appears behind Gin] What?

Gin: [turns around smiling] So what do you think?

Mac: About what?

Gin: About my idea?

Mac: [gives it quick thought] It's doable.

[Gin grabs Mac and he embraces her; another train passes and they disappear off the platform, appearing on board the train]

Gin: Where do you sleep?

Mac: Why?

Gin: Just in case I need anything.

Aaron Thibadeaux: Where's the honey?

Mac: In the loch, training. I told her I swim for an hour everyday; so, she'll do it for two.

Aaron Thibadeaux: So, when is it we do the dirty?

Mac: Maybe we should wait a bit. She's got a bigger job after this one.

Aaron Thibadeaux: This is big enough, Mac.

Mac: It's never big enough.

Gin: [Putting a rose boutineer in Mac's tux lapel] So I'll recognize you. I wouldn't want to go home with a wrong man by mistake now, would I?

Mac: It is a masked ball. We all go - as someone else.

Mac: Happy millennium!

Gin: That was - perfect.

Isaak: You killed Colin?

Mac: Even fake wars have casualties, Isaak. I guess uh, old collard green couldn't fly, huh?

[Pointing a gun at Han]

Mac: Sorry Romeo, but you gotta die.

Mac: [to Trish, who has just shot him] Damn, that some cold shit.

Mac: Look, if I wanted Eddie Murphy, I would have gone to the movies!

Mac: [Pointing the gun] Don't look at me boy! I'll put your ass on the news tonight!

Mac: You think putting your kids through college is going to make all your crooked straight?

Isaak: Mr Sing you have my deepest, deepest condolences.

Ch'u Sing: Thank you.

Isaak: What happened to your son was tragic Mr Sing, very unnecessary. I want you to know i'll be looking into this myself personally.

Ch'u Sing: You will forgive me if I'm not easily moved.

Isaak: Mr Sing... with all due respect, there is no way in the world that anybody in my camp would be foolish enough to touch your family, any more than anybody in your camp would be stupid enough to touch mine. It just wouldn't happen.

Ch'u Sing: Our business venture will continue.

Isaak: I'm pleased to hear that, thank you.

Isaak: [Isaak leaves] Mac, make sure we got round the clock security for my son and my daughter.

Mac: It's all been arranged chief.

Mac: [Johnny and Mac are in Shock for a moment as the camera angle focuses on a hand holding a kitchen knife] I'd put that knife down if I were you!

[the Camera Angle starts pointing up revealing Iggy's Face]

Iggy: Seriously, if you don't want chives, I wont put em in.

Johnny: Well, I want chives bro.

Mac: Iggy, you're here every day, and every night, don't your Parents wonder where you've been?

Iggy: Mr. MC.Quinn, My Parents are locked up in a Bio-Screen in Arizona, Pimento?

Mac: Huh?

Iggy: ...It's like a little Tomato. Yes, Bio-Screen, lots of plants n animals, no one else allowed in anywhere around them. look, for it to be hard for me to explain it to a layman, like Yourself.

Mac: Iggy, You know what you need, is a professional listener.

Johnny: He visits the School shrink every day.

Mac: Not helping, and don't your parents ever feed ya, and don't they ever provide you with enough clothing besides MY BOXER SHORTS!

Iggy: [Looks down at the Shorts He's wearing] These are yours?

Mac: YES!

Adam: [Adam and Johnny both stand in slight shock for a moment as Zatch aproaches] Ummm Dad, remember the guy you said that would come if we didn't eat our vegetables, he's here!

Johnny: No, that's not the Boogieman, it's a homicidal killer.

Mac: [whispers] Zatch!

Mac: Crazy, is that it, you just wanna drive me crazy, is that it?

Adam: No Dad, we just wanna DRIVE... but the MAN wont LET us.

Mac: [Heavy Metal Music is playing on the Stereo] Boys, how many times do I have to tell you, no "Van Halen" until AFTER I've had my Coffee.

[Turns the Music off]

Johnny: But we've already had ours.

Mike Locken: No, hold, hold it Jerome. Jerome. Don't, uh, don't pull down on a cop.

Fake Officer: Do what he says, Jerome.

[Jerome shoots the cop]

Mike Locken: Oh, are you crazy? Now you just made me an accessory.

Mac: Mike, there's a garbage truck blockin' the alley and no garbage in sight.

Mike Locken: Yeah I know, I wish Miller were in it.

Jerome Miller: Forget it. He's no cop.

Mike Locken: What d'ya mean he's no cop?

Jerome Miller: Look at his gun. Tell me that's not a 9mm Star, and I'll kiss your ass.

Mike Locken: And just from that you knew that?

Jerome Miller: San Francisco Police Department packs regulation Smith & Wesson .38's. So...

Mike Locken: Heh, heh. C'mon Jerome.

Mike Locken: You know, it must be true about you people. You don't care if you die, right?

Yuen Chung: Of course, we do. It's in the manner of living and of dying one finds relevance.

Mike Locken: So that's how you're gonna do it. You're gonna go back to your country to die. I mean, who's gonna keep you alive when you're there?

Yuen Chung: I don't need an army. I'm not a revolutionary, nor do I want power.

Mac: We've heard that before.

Mike Locken: Oh, wait a minute. I, I understand it now. Y'see, he wants to go back to die on his own native soil. It's that salmon-up-the-river shit.

Mike Locken: [looking at fake taxi cab] Well it, uh, blends in all right. What else has it got that makes it so charming?

Mac: Gas tank is tucked under the rear seat. Steel plate wrap-around, reinforced bumpers. And it's a fully blown engine.

Mike Locken: How come we never used it before?

Mac: I just got it, Mike. Some union guy put it all together, bulletproof glass, and then they shot him in bed. I got it from his widow.

Mac: Damn it, Mike! You're so busy doing their dirty work, you can't tell who the bad guys are!

Mike Locken: Don't worry! I know who the bad guys are: anybody who tries to hurt me!

Mac: They're all tryin' to hurt you Mike! All the goddam power systems! All the wheelers and dealers at the top with their gin and fizzes! They need guys like you to do their bloodletting, while they're busy making speeches about freedom and progress! They're all full of bullshit! There's not one power system that really cares about its civilians!

Mike Locken: Good morning, Mac.

Mac: You look OK for a robot.

Mike Locken: Yeah, well, I ain't with all the 3 and 1 oil.

Mac: Damn it, Mike, you're so busy doin' their dirty work, you can't tell who the bad guys are!

Yuen Chung: Every country, if hopes to become a democracy, needs at least one voice raised in opposition. I happen to be selected. Let just one other person hear my voice. That is a beginning! It's enough.

Mike Locken: Ha, I'll give you this: all the other sheep I've kept have always been running away from their countries. You're the first one that I've met that's jumping back into the frying pan.

Mac: That's what I was telling you before. You're risking your life, keeping him alive, and getting him back someplace where they're going to finish him off anyway.

Mac: Mr. Gutterman come out of recovery yet?

Nurse: Mr. Gutterman? Oh, you mean the whale from hell?

Harry 'The Hippo' Gutterman: Nurse!

Nurse: Right on cue. Room 116. Help yourself.

Harry 'The Hippo' Gutterman: Help!

Mac: Aren't you going to go in and see what's wrong with him?

Nurse: I'd rather set my head on fire and have it put out with a sledgehammer.

Harry 'The Hippo' Gutterman: Nurse!

Mac: I'd like to see that actually.

Rachel: Having a bad day?

Mac: No, I'm having a terrible day. Say something nice to me, will ya, please.

Rachel: You have very strong lookin' thighs for a white man.

Mac: This place looks like an explosion in a dairy.

Mac: [Closing scene, at the hospital] I know you were looking forward to being partners, and so was I really. Riva recruited Harry and I to be secret agents with the Israeli government. You know, the Mossad.

Ellis Fielding: Yeah.

Mac: Naturally, I have to convert to Judaism. I'm gonna be bar mitzvahed tomorrow. We leave for Tel Aviv the next day to train at a secret site in the Sinai Desert.

Ellis Fielding: Really?

Mac: Yeah. The only thing I'm worried about is, I have to be circumcised.

Ellis Fielding: Circumcised? You're kidding.

Mac: Yeah.

Ellis Fielding: [Realizing it was all a joke] Oh, Mac. Mac, Mac, Mac. You know why we make such good partners?

Mac: No. Why?

Ellis Fielding: Because technically, you're crazier than I am.

Mac: I knew that.

[after being asked where he's from]

Rocky: Oh, just a little place I call the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Mac: Scotland!

Rocky: No! America.

Rocky: Ouch! What happened to my wing?

Ginger: You took a rather nasty fall.

Mac: [very fast, in strong Scottish accent] And sprained the anterior tendon connecting your radius to your humerus. I gave her a wee bit of a tweak, Jimmy, and wrapped her up.

Rocky: Was that English?

Mac: [very rapidly, with a thick Scottish accent] Thrust! I went over my calculations, hen, and I forgot the key element missing is thrust!

Rocky: [after a long pause] I didn't get a word of that.

Mac: Thrust. Other birds, like ducks and geese, when they take off, what do they have?

[shouts]

Mac: Thrust!

Rocky: I swear she ain't using real words.

Ginger: She said we need more thrust.

Rocky: Oh, thrust! Of course we need thrust. Why, thrust and flying are, well, like this.

[crosses fingers]

Rocky: See, that's flying and that's thrust.

Rocky: Ouch! What happened to my wing?

Ginger: You took a rather nasty fall.

Mac: [in fast-paced, thick Scottish accent] And sprained the Anterior Tendon connecting your Radius to your Humerus. I gave it a wee bit of a tweak, and wrapped her up.

Rocky: Was that English?

Mac: [examining a diagram] I thought we tried going under the fence.

[Ginger flips it]

Mac: Ah! Over! Right!

[the plane reels as Mrs. Tweedy hangs on to it]

Fowler: Great Scott, what was that?

Mac: A cling-on, Cap'n, and the engines can't take it.

Fowler: We need more power.

Mac: I cannot work miracles, cap'n. We're giving her all she's got.

[after the reason for Rocky's flying ability is discovered]

Mac: A cannon. Aye, *that* would give ye thrust.

[after Rocky leaves]

Babs: Perhaps he just went on holiday.

Bunty: [grabbing Babs' knitting, throwing it on the ground, and stomping on it] Perhaps he just went to get away from your infernal knitting!

Mac: Well, you were the one that was always hitting him. Let's see how you like it.

[shoves Bunty]

Bunty: Don't push me, four-eyes.

[other chickens start fighting]

Mr. Tweedy: Me tools! Why you thieving little buggers!

Mac: What's the plan?

Ginger: ATTAAACK!

[tackles a startled Mr. Tweedy]

Bunty: [following suit] Nice plan!

Mac: Right, we tried going under the fence, and that didn't work. So the plan now is, we go over it.

[Unveils the model catapult]

Mac: [Holds up turnip chicken] This is us, right? We go in here, like this, wind her up, and let her go!

[Catapult sends turnip flying into wall; chickens cluck frantically]

Mac: Stop repeating everything I say. I'm the parrot!

[first lines]

Phil: [in cockpit] We are here.

Cup: [over radio] At 8,000 feet. This is it, boys.

Phil: [over radio] You got it, Zamp?

Louis Zamperini: [dialing in bombing scope] Roger.

Lambert: You hit this one, drinks are on me.

Louis Zamperini: I ain't going to a bar with you, handsome. You confuse all the broads.

Mac: [wolf-whistles]

Phil: Get your cameras, boys. I'm gonna light it up like Christmas.

Wyatt Earp: Mac, you ever been in love?

Mac: No, I've been a bartender all me life.

Mac: Look, you want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!

Mac: Happy wife, happy life!

Eddie Cantrow: [about Lila] She doesn't have a great sense of humor.

Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...

Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.

Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'll pistol whip the next guy who says "Shenanigans."

Mac: Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

Farva: You mean Shenanigans?

Mac: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Thorny: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

[as they offer the Captain their pistols]

[Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]

Mac: All right, how about "Cat Game?"

Foster: Cat Game? What's the record?

Mac: Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.

Foster: Ten? Starting right 'meow?'

[Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]

Larry Johnson: Sorry about the...

Foster: All right meow. (1) Hand over your license and registration.

[the man hands him his license]

Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow. (2)

[Mac ticks off two fingers]

Larry Johnson: Sorry.

[the man laughs a little]

Foster: Is there something funny here boy?

Larry Johnson: Oh, no.

Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?

[pause]

Foster: All right meow, (3) where were we?

Larry Johnson: Excuse me, are you saying meow?

Foster: Am I saying meow?

[Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]

Larry Johnson: I thought...

Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, (4) do you know how fast you were going?

[man laughs]

Foster: Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?

Larry Johnson: I could have sworn you said meow.

Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?

[Mac is gut-busting laughing]

Foster: Am I drinking milk from a saucer?

[feigned anger]

Foster: Do you see me eating mice?

Foster: [Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow! (6)

Larry Johnson: [the man stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.

Foster: Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law.

[rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]

Foster: Not so funny meow, (9) is it?

Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)

Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun!

Thorny: [referring to Farva] Yeah, and his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.

Foster: [after a pause] Which... makes them not really shenanigans at all.

Mac: [in a silly voice] Evil shenanigans!

[Mac gets shot in the crotch while wearing the steel cup ]

Foster: How you feelin' there, Mac?

Mac: Good enough... to fuck... your mother.

Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.

Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.

Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.

Captain O'Hagan: Bulletproof cup, huh? I invented this gag, Rabbit. Only in my day, the rookie got naked.

[fires through the window, accidentally shooting out the glass]

Captain O'Hagan: And we also used blanks. You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.

Mac: Thanks, Chief!

Foster: Okie silly dilly dokie-o. I'm an idiot.

Mac: That's true.

Rabbit: [lifting soap out of coffee] Oh, look, a bar of soap.

Farva: Oohoohoh shit. I got you good, you fucker!

Mac: Awesome prank, Farva.

Farva: Better'n the crap you pull, Mac.

[Farva brings the boys a round of coffee, and has left a surprise in Rabbit's]

Rabbit: [dryly] Oh, look, a bar of soap.

Farva: Oh, shit, I got you good, you fucker!

Mac: *Awesome* prank, Farva.

Farva: Better than the crap you pull, Mac!

Captain O'Hagan: Look, fellas...

Mac: [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook! You'll make him look like a dick!

Rabbit: Nah...

Captain O'Hagan: Every Thursday night I walk into the lodge to play Hearts...

[Mac persists in goading Rabbit as O'Hagan continues]

Mac: Seriously, rook, bite it. Do it. Don't be a wuss!

Captain O'Hagan: ...and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there...

Mac: Don't be a wuss, bite it!

Captain O'Hagan: ...I like that. I like it here...

Mac: Bite it. Bite it!

Captain O'Hagan: [Fed up] Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!

[He grabs the soap, takes a bite, and spits it at Mac]

Mac: You boys like Mex-i-co? Yee- Haww!.

Mac: ...And that was the second time I got crabs.

Mac: Your mother should've swallowed you, Rando!

Captain O'Hagan: Did you guys put in for any transfers yet?

Mac: I applied for a guard job - at the post office.

[collective groan]

Thorny: Hey, you'll finally be able to shoot someone.

Mac: You boys like Mex-ee-co? YEEEE-HOO!

Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun

Thorny: And his shenanigans are cruel and tragic

Farva: Don't call me radio, unit 91.

Mac: Then don't call me unit 91, radio.

Farva: Are you done?

Thorny: [finishes Syrup, slams bottle on table] I am all that is man!

[Rabbit struggles to Finish]

Mac: What's a-matter Rabbit, your mother teach you to Chug?

Mac: No, Farva, you are under arrest for being a complete and total fuckhead.

Mac: How's your shooting, Thorny?

Thorny: Good. I've been dead on all morning.

Mac: What about that little guy?

[points to a bullet hole in the shooting target's neck]

Thorny: Who, that little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy.

Captain O'Hagan: What did you find out at the weigh station?

Mac: My cruiser weighs 16,000 kilograms!

[In a silly voice with his eyes crossed]

Mac: Do we look like the two dumbest guys in the world to you?

Mac: [Chugging maple syrup] Three... two... one... DO EET. Oh go girlfriend.

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.

[Curly and Larry laugh]

Moe: [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]

Moe: Are they awake now?

Lydia: Those three idiots are here!

Mac: [looking around] The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?

[Curly passes gas, everybody groans in disgust]

Curly: I'm sorry. I guess the pesto-bismol didn't work with the lobster.

Moe: Did you eat the shells again?

Curly: I don't know! It was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.

Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?

Moe: It's us, it's Moe...

Larry: Larry...

Curly: And Curly.

Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?

Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.

Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!

Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.

Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.

Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.

Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.

Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?

Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.

Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?

Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?

Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.

Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.

Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.

Mac: Not a problem.

[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]

Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?

Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.

Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.

[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]

Curly: Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!

[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]

Larry: Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!

Curly: Rowf, rowf, rowf!

[Curly pants like a dog]

Moe: Spread out!

Moe: [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?

Lydia: I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.

Curly: Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?

Lydia: [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-aah-aah!

[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]

Moe: Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!

Lydia: But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.

Larry: Says who?

Mac: [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.

Moe: Who are you?

Mac: I'm her husband.

[Mac kisses Lydia]

Larry: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?

Mac: Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...

Curly: No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.

[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]

Mac: [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Mac: Ohh!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, "coma-toes", huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Moe: Are they awake now?

[Curly growls]

Mac: Gentlemen,

[the Stooges look around, unaware that Mac is referring to them]

Mac: Gentlemen.

Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.

Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.

Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.

Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?

Lydia: I did.

Larry: [Larry whistles "Whew"] That's a good day's pay.

Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.

Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!

Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.

Mac: [Mac has a scratched face from his disastrous encounter with the zoo's lion] I don't get you, Lydia. Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Teddo? I thought we were trying to kill the guy!

Lydia: We are, I just want lots of witnesses for when that dope accidentally falls head first from that balcony.

Mac: Ohhh.

Mr. Harter: Well... you two are certainly looking rather cozy.

[Mac and Lydia laugh]

Mr. Harter: Good lord Mac, what- what happened to your face?

Mac: New kitty.

Mr. Harter: Ah.

Mac: I'm gonna go freshen up my drink.

Mac: [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes?

Mac: I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes, yes?

Mac: But, do not turn on the lights.

Moe, Larry, Curly: No, no, no.

Moe: Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?

Mac: Well, I want it to be a surprise.

Moe: Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?

Mac: Bingo.

Larry: Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!

Larry: [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!

Moe: [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.

Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lydia: [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!

Moe: What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!

Larry: Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.

Lydia: Huh?

Larry: Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.

Lydia: [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!

Larry: [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?

Lydia: [with clenched teeth] Those three idiots are here.

Mac: The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

Lydia: No, the three bums! They crashed the party!

Mac: Oh God, we got to get them out of here before they ruin everything.

Mac: [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...

Lydia: [screaming at Mac] Shut up!

Mac: You shut up!

Policeman #3: Just get in there.

Mac: [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.

Policeman #3: I don't care.

Teddy: It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?

Lydia: Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?

Teddy: Uh... no.

[the Stooges gasp in shock]

Teddy: That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.

Policeman #3: Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.

Moe: [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."

Teddy: [the Stooges, Teddy, Mac, Mr. Harter and Lydia are all passengers in Mr. Harter's car] I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?

Mr. Harter: Well, son, I didn't get rich... simply by... lawyering. I married into it. Unfortunately, when your mom passed away, she left everything to you.

Mac: So you were just using me to do your dirty work?

Lydia: Oh, heh, you cracked the code.

Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?

Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.

Lydia: Who's Nippy?

Curly: Him.

[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]

Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!

Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!

Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?

[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn." ]

Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?

Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.

Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.

Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.

Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?

[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]

Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.

Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?

Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?

Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.

Moe: Why you...

[Moe bonks Larry on the head]

Larry: Ow!

Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!

[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]

Curly: Maybe that's not such a -

[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]

Billy Heywood: If Joe can paint a house in three hours and Sam can paint the same house in five hours, how long will it take to paint it together?

Mac: Now wait a minute, you never said this was a word problem.

Mac: You're a frickin' primadonna, McGreavy. You don't deserve to wear that uniform.

Mike McGrevey: You know, you're right, Mac. I'm a disgrace to the Twins. I think you should trade me.

Mac: As soon as we find someone dumb enough to take you, that's EXACTLY what we're gonna do.

Billy Heywood: No we're not. We're not trading you.

Mike McGrevey: So what are you going to do, bench me?

Billy Heywood: Nope, play you. When it's your turn to pitch, you pitch. Nothing changes.

Mike McGrevey: You know, I don't think that's such a good idea. I have a feeling my concentration's not going to be that good out there. I might tend to forget some of those scouting reports.

Billy Heywood: Well, that's up to you, you're the free agent. Hey Mac, what's the going rate for an absent-minded pitcher who can't get anybody out?

Mac: Are we limp and hard to manage?

Valerie: I didn't want you to think Earth girls were easy.

Mac: What is "easy"?

Valerie: [kissing him] This is "easy".

Mac: Joe, take us to hospital, please.

Joe the Cop: Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer!

Mac: [looks at Mike the cop, then at Valerie] We go to slammer first.

Valerie: [to Mac] Listen, give them that love touch, then they'll come on to me. They'll be putty in my hands.

Mac: You want sex with Joe and Mike?

Valerie: No, no, just so we can get away. Do it, do it! You'll see.

Mac: Hey, you can handle this report tonight, can't you? I gotta thing I gotta do.

Randy: It's a blonde thing or a brunette thing?

Rose Lorkowski: I don't want this anymore.

Mac: So, that's it?

[Rose nods yes]

Mac: [long pause] That's it then.

[Mac walks away]

Mac: [drunkenly] I'll make a good Gordon, Gordon.

Mac: Whose baby?

Mac: [regarding the eaten rabbit] It was a pet, not an animal. It had a name, you don't eat things with names, this is horrific!

[after hitting a rabbit on the road]

Oldsen: Why don't we kill it? Hit it with something hard...

Mac: You've already done that with a two-ton automobile!

Mac: Did you cook my rabbit?

Oldsen: Whaddya thinkin' about?

Mac: Girls... naked girls... in a fishtank.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [at Lytton Manor in Nice, while working undercover as a telephone repairman, Clouseau has already annihilated the Lyttons' doorbell!] ... I am from the Nice Telephone Company; there is some trouble with your phone.

Mac: ...I don't think there's any trouble with the telephones here.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble, and you may rest assured that there is a trouble.

Mac: Since when?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Since it was reported.

Mac: By whom? And what sort of trouble is it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble with your telephone is!

Claudine: Well... Whatever the trouble is, I hope you locate it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Madame, it is my business to locate trouble...

[He misses the door to the study, crashing headlong into the wall; being Clouseau, he isn't even fazed]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Er, no trouble back there!

Mac: That is *so* eighties!

Grace Rowan: Mac, did you ever find out who Molly went off with.

Mac: Ran off with a Polish pilot. Sounds like one of those bad jokes on the wireless!

Grace Rowan: You miss her. And I know I do.

Mac: She said, "I know you love me, babe. But you never love me enough."

Grace Rowan: Not loving enough. What a terrible thing to do to someone. I suppose I did it to Clive. I, always held something back.

Mac: All better left unsaid, Grace.

Grace Rowan: You were never apart, you and Clive. He kept asking and asking. I kept waiting and waiting for you to say something. But you never did.

Mac: Clive had a job. I didn't. I couldn't. You did the decent thing, Grace.

Grace Rowan: This war, has put an end to decent things.

Mac: We can't change what's past. Not even the war can do that.

Grace Rowan: Oh we did the proper thing. But we lost love. And that's sad, Mac.

Lola Burns: Get away from me, all of you! You're nothing but a pack of leeches!

Pops: Leeches?

Lola Burns: Yes, leeches! At least he

[motions to Space]

Lola Burns: was right; I don't know how I expected to bring a baby in here with an old fool for his grandfather who's half-drunk all the time!...

Pops: After the way I've worked to handle your affairs...

Lola Burns: Well, what about my affairs! Where are they? Why aren't my bills paid? Where does my money go? I never see any of it!

Mac: Lola, you're exciting yourself...

Lola Burns: Well, what are you doing about you? Don't think I don't know about your stealing and all the cuts you get from the stores! And you

Elsie, Hanlon's Secretary: Aw, listen, Sis...

Lola Burns: And you who never, haven't had a job to your name for three years and bringing her in here like it was a hotel for traveling salesmen! I've only stood it because it's the only home and family I've got. But I'm getting sick of it, you understand? There's only Loretta and the dogs that ever do a single thing for me. All the rest of you are just out for what you can get and I'm getting pretty tired of being a golden goose or whatever you call it!

Space Hanlon: Atta girl, Sugar!

Lola Burns: Don't "atta girl" me! I never want to see you again as long as I breath. You're worse than all the rest of 'em!

[starts quoting Space]

Lola Burns: "Stone-Age Stuff!" "Mad with Desire!" "Lovers' Brawl!" Is that the way you prove you just more than care for me? Treating me like a strip act in a burlesque show! A glamorous Bombshell, eh? A glorified chump, that's what I've been! Well, I'm through do you understand? With the business, with everybody! You can get another "It Girl," a "But Girl" or a "How, When and Where Girl." I'm clearing out - and you can all stay here in this half-paid-for car barn and get somebody else to pull the apple cart! I'm going where ladies and gentlemen hang their hats and get some peace and quiet... and if any of you try to interfere with me - I'll complain to the authorities!

Mac: Lola, the Studio car just arrived with this new script. You'll have to get right over there.

Lola Burns: Studio? Well, what about location?

Mac: It's raining out in Riverside...

Lola Burns: Oh, new scenes, new lines everything.

[Looks at the script]

Lola Burns: Well, what's this? I don't recognize it?

Mac: Retakes on "Red Dust". The Hayes Office censored something and the picture's got to open Monday in New York. Come on, we'll have to hurry.

Lola Burns: But, I don't know these lines. Gosh, that means a different make-up and I have to have my hair changed again. I ask you, Miss Carroll, as one lady to another - isn't that a load o' clams?

Mac: Can't you get in time enough to put on your uniform?

Loretta: Don't scald me wit' your steam, woman, I knows where the bodies buried.

Mac: Yes, I know it's six o'clock and I know she's due on location at 7:30 and I know she's to wear the white dress without the brassiere and I know you'll always be a second assistant director because you don't think anybody else is capable of thinking for himself or herself!

Lola Burns: Gee whiz! With all the dough I drag down every week, I don't see why things can't be run better!

Mac: You know, I can only do one thing at at time. I really think you ought to discharge Loretta! She's becoming impossible and full of lip, too.

Lola Burns: Oh, Loretta's all right.

Lola Burns: All right, Mac, have 'em bring around my roadster.

Mac: Your brother took the roadster to Tijuana.

Lola Burns: Tijuana? Say, who told him that...

Pops: I sent Junior down there to look over a crop of fillies with the idea of a possible purchase...

Lola Burns: I know the kinda fillies he'll look over!

Mac: You'll make a terrific Virgin Mary.

Ashley: Shut up! And who said I was a virgin?

Mac: I was talking about the play. And being a virgin is bad because, why?

Ashley: Because nobody else is.

Mac: There may be one or two...

Jason: How is she? Nobody'll tell me anything around here. They treat me like I'm a criminal.

[Mac bursts into laughter]

Jason: What's so funny?

Mac: You are a criminal!

Mac: [to Det. Bancroft, after she has eagerly started drinking from his bottle of bourbon] Love does much... but bourbon does everything.

Christine Downs: Were you ever in love with a man from a different world?

Mac: Ah, many, many times!

Christine Downs: Well, was he, uh, someone of a different race?

Mac: [pauses] There was a Hindu in Bombay...

Christine Downs: Was he sensitive about the difference between you?

Mac: [laughs] HE wasn't... but his father looked down his imperious nose at me.

Mac: [Last lines] Come on, Charles, let's belt a few, hmm?

Det. Sgt. Charlie Bancroft: Mac, you're a pearl.

Mac: Thank you, dear boy. But I prefer something made by man... to something made by an oyster.

Mac: [said to Chris, as she puffs on a cigar] Smoking a cigarette is like drinking beer out of a thimble. A man is only a man, my dear, but a good cigar is a smoke.

Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy: Hey! Where's the fire?

Mac: In your eyes.

Uncle Red: I mean, uh, what the heck you gonna shoot a .44 bullet at anyway... made out of silver?

Mac: How about a werewolf?

Mac: It's got a low-grain load, so it won't tumble.

Shorty: [Walking into the hospital library] Hey, does anyone got anything to eat? A chocolate bar or anything? I'm hungry.

Mac: [after yawning] Slop's at 12:30.

Pete: [Cynically] Slop! Live the life of a fireman and eat slop! All we need is a pole to slide down.

Jimmy Ringo: [to Archie, the boy sweeping up the saloon] You got a livery stable here, boy?

Archie: [just stares at Jimmy Ringo]

Mac: Uh, he's a little astonished, Jimmy.

Jimmy Ringo: When you get him un-astonished, tell him to take care of my horse.

[after he and a Dalton brother are cornered during a gunfight]

Mac: Let's walk out of this town.