Lyle Quotes in The Italian Job (2003)

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Lyle Quotes:

  • [Lyle arrives on his motorcycle. He has trouble on the bike, though]

    Charlie Croker: [when meeting Charlie's crew for the first time] That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea.

    [We see a flashback of Fanning stealing a Floppy disk from a napping Lyle]

    Charlie Croker: I think it's his first time riding that bike, though.

    Lyle: Hey.

    [Lyle falls over]

    Charlie Croker: You okay?

    Lyle: Yeah.

    [a car drives up behind him]

    Charlie Croker: That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl.

    [Cuts to the exterior of a toilet stall. Suddenly the door bursts open from an explosion. The toilet is spraying a fountain of water up]

    Kid On Left: Damn, that was cool. How did you do that?

    Young Left Ear: What?

    Kid On Right: How did you do that?

    Young Left Ear: WHAT?

    Kid On Right: I said, "how did you do that?"

    Young Left Ear: What?

    [Flashback to present]

    Charlie Croker: Lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since.

    [a car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella]

    Charlie Croker: Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase.

    [Cuts to Rob being chased down the freeway by a massive armada of police cars]

    Charlie Croker: You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news?

    [We see two women hanging a banner on a bridge saying "We heart you, Rob."]

  • Lyle: [Handsome Rob approaches Becky, the cable technician, in the parking garage. Lyle watches, amazed] Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?

    [Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]

    Lyle: [speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?

    Lyle: [speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!

    Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?

    Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!

    Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.

    Lyle: [as Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?

    Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.

    Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?

    Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?

    Lyle: [as Becky] No.

    Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Perfect!

  • Lyle: [seeing the name "Becky" on the cable-girl's uniform; specifically on her left breast] Becky, huh? Nice name. I wonder what she calls the other one...

    Handsome Rob: [sarcastically, jokingly] And it's such a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend, Lyle.

  • Lyle: [about Stella getting into Steve's house and finding the location of the safe by impersonating a Netcom employee] You think Stella can pull it off?

    Handsome Rob: I have my doubts... but there's no talking to Charlie

    Lyle: [in an accent] What, you theenk he's meexing beesness with plezore?

    Handsome Rob: He should know better. Only "I'm" allowed to do that.

  • Charlie Croker: We set?

    Lyle: Yeah. I've enhanced the viewing matrix to track both the Cartesian coordinates and three altitude angles to give the exact position and orientation of our baby.

    Left Ear: We're in Italy. Speak English.

  • Lyle: I am The Napster.

  • Lyle: [referring to Sean Parker] And then he's just the media darling... He's on the cover of all the magazines, I should of been on the cover of Wired Magazine. You know what he said? He said he named it "Napster" because it was his nickname because of the nappy hair under the hat. But he, it's because I was NAPPING when he STOLE it from me! He didn't even graduate!

    Handsome Rob: I think it's time to move on, don't you? They shut him down, I wish they would do the same to you.

  • Lyle: [typing into his computer] They are about to hit a major detour and be sent your way.

    [presses a button. A traffic light at one intersection turns green. Lyle then presses another button, turning the opposite light green. With both directions having greens, one car ends up sideswiping the back of another one. Lyle watches the crash, and says]

    Lyle: Oops.

    [He presses a different button. Another light turns green. Two cars collide and pancake together, sliding into a parked car. Lyle types into his computer]

    Lyle: You'll... never... shut down... the *real*... Napster.

    [At the traffic control center, the message "YOU'LL NEVER SHUT DOWN THE REAL NAPSTER" appears across all of the video monitor screens. The scene changes to various clips of gridlock across the city]

  • Lyle: [while in their warehouse] You want all greens? 'Cause, ah, 'cause you got 'em.

    [chuckles]

    Charlie Croker: What have you got?

    Lyle: Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.

    Charlie Croker: You want to do a dry run?

    Lyle: [singsong] I thought you'd never ask.

  • Lyle: [tell the other what he's planning to do with his share of the gold] I'm getting a NAD T770 digital decoder with 70-watt amps and Burr-Brown DACs.

    Left Ear: [confused] Yeah...

    Lyle: It's a big stereo. Speakers so loud, they blow women's clothes off!

    Handsome Rob: Now you're talking!

  • Lyle: [after realizing how much money they have stolen] Woo. Yeah.

    [pauses]

    Lyle: I got the Holy Spirit... You should get on it... It's a good train.

  • Charlie Croker: [trailer only] You ready to create the biggest traffic jam in the history of Los Angeles?

    Lyle: I'm so ready.

  • Lyle: [to Rob] Wow, that is a nice car. Sorry Rob.

  • Lyle: [after he causes a traffic jam] Oops. Wow, did I...? Oops! But it's awesome. Is that not awesome?

    Charlie Croker: Can you change it back?

  • Lyle: [watching his screen] Metro just passed the station. You are clear for ninety seconds. Go!

    [the three MINIs all turn and drive along the sidewalks, dodging pedestrians]

    Charlie Croker: Come on, Steve.

    [the three MINIs make a left turn and travel down the stairs into the 7th and Metro station. They dodge commuters inside the mezzanine area]

    Lyle: Thirty seconds and counting.

    [They turn onto the platform, as a Blue Line train comes into the station]

    Lyle: Fifteen seconds, you're blocked in or you're paint on the train.

    Left Ear: Go, go, go, go!

    [They accelerate past a number of baffled Blue Line passengers inside the train]

    Charlie Croker: Stay right on me. This is gonna be tight.

    [He jumps his MINI in the tight space between the train and the wall. Stella follows. Left Ear produces some sparks as he makes the jump]

    Left Ear: Go-go-go-go-go-go!

    Lyle: You're gonna stop right... there.

    [he presses a button and chuckles to himself. The train comes to a stop at the end of the platform, and the overhead lines lose power. The entire train goes dark]

  • [Lyle isn't answering Charlie's calls]

    Handsome Rob: He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie

    Charlie Croker: Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster.

    Lyle: Why not? You call him Left Ear.

    Left Ear: Well, I am.

    Lyle: And him Handsome Rob.

    Charlie Croker: Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob!

    Lyle: Well you can call me The Napster.

  • Lyle: [looking at his name on their new ID's] James Hymen? Come one, just once give me a cool name!

    Left Ear: A hundred and forty pounds? Try one sixty five!

    Handsome Rob: Try lifting some weights!

    [as everyone is leaving Lyle still notices his bike is still laying on the ground]

    Lyle: Hey, Charlie?

    Charlie Croker: Handsome? Think you can help him with his bike?

    Left Ear: Yeah, help Knievel set up for his next jump!

  • Left Ear: Okay, party people. Here's the status. There's an anti-scaling fence, hardened electro-plated steel. Yeah, I'll have to paint that up with some nitromon.

    Charlie Croker: Security on the property?

    Left Ear: An armed guard, here. A little rent-a-cop with a nine millimeter on his hip. But that booth, security booth looks prime for a chemical grenade.

    Lyle: Nitromon? Chemical grenades? That stuff's pretty hard to come by.

    Left Ear: Yeah, Lyle, it's a bear market. Shit!

  • Stella Bridger: Yeah, but so how do we get the gold from the vault to the getaway car.

    Charlie Croker: How wide is the hallway... Napster?

    Lyle: Six feet.

    Handsome Rob: Okay, you've got your gold.

  • Lyle: [referring to Steve] Charlie, he's flying the coop.

    Handsome Rob: When?

  • John Bridger: I want to propose a toast. To us!

    Charlie CrokerLyleLeft EarHandsome RobSteve: Yeah!

  • Lyle: White ape. Sounds like a drink

    [mockingly]

    Lyle: Yes, bartender, I'll have two black russians and a white ape.

    Narrator: A drink the venal Van de Groot would be begging to imbibe, if he only knew how close the white ape was at that very moment. Flying through the foliage, surveying the scenery, and swinging on through the trees with effortless ease.

    George: [hits tree] Ow!

  • [Translating with a Swahili phrasebook]

    Lyle: Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.

  • Lyle: [to Max about George] Could you see if he's dangerous?

    George: [whiny voice] Here, boy. Where's my little doggy?

    Max: I've got a feeling he's not.

  • Max: 50 zamoles a man, what do you say?

    Kwame: They only speak Swahili.

    Swahili Guide: [in English] 100 zamoles a man and you've got a deal.

    Lyle: Wait a second...

    Max: Done.

    [guides laugh]

  • Lyle: Hey! The important thing, Kwame, is that I was outnumbered.

    N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled] It's easy to be outnumbered when you're a zero.

  • Lyle: No hard feelings, Stonebelly. The best man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the guy who brought mercenaries won; *that's* all.

  • Lyle: Ursula, I found your scrunchie.

  • [Kwame and his comrades are visiting the African jail, identifying the person who shot George by accident]

    N'Dugo: No. Too short. Too sweaty.

    N'Dugo: [pause, he sees Lyle] Wait a second! That's the guy. That's the guy who shot him. I never forget a face.

    Lyle: Me?

    [Kwame and his comrades laugh]

  • [after Lyle comes to take Ursla away]

    George: Now George really mad! George tear off your...

    [after this, Geroge gets caught by the German army men]

    Mercenary: At ease, jungle boy. Everybody freeze now!

    German Army Man: Operation completed as ordered, sir.

    Lyle: Thank you, Gunner, Gunter, Hans, Jan... and Phil.

    Entire Group: Thank you, sir!

    Lyle: No hard feelings, stone belly. The best man won that's all. Or I should say the guy who brought mercenaries on. That's all.

  • [Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his comrades are taking a walk on a trail]

    Lyle: Gosh, this trail is really rough.

    N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled] Drop him! You're not his donkey.

    [Lyle gets off one of Kwame's comrades' back]

    N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled]

    [mocking Lyle]

    N'Dugo: "Ursula! Ursula!" Next cliff we pass, he's history.

    [Kwame's comrades have a conversation in Swahili and start walking without Lyle]

    Lyle: Hey, come back here.

    Max: They're not abandoning us, are they?

    Kwame: They are threatening.

  • [while seeing a footprint, the Swahili guides are speaking to Mr. Kwame in Swahili]

    Lyle: [pushes one of the Swahili guides] Let me through.

    Lyle: [then approaches Mr. Kwame] What's happening?

    Kwame: This footprint does not belong to any of my men.

    Max: [to Thor] See? There's your proof, the white ape does exist. Now all we have to do is track down the girl and the ape's in the bag.

  • Lyle: This time you'll be working in a beautiful, warm and very tropical paradise!

    Nick: I hate the heat.

    Warren: Will it help if we say who recommended you?

    Nick: I know who recommended me.

  • Nick: You want me to kill for bird shit?

    Lyle: Why not? You've done that for less!

  • Lyle: This is LA, gender is irrelevant.

  • Jane: How you doin' Lyle? How's that pretty Mrs. of yours?

    Lyle: Oh, fine.

    Jane: He's married to a former Miss Universe.

    Nick Deezy: Really?

    Lyle: Yeah, I don't just move ashtrays.

  • Samson: There's a reason Romeo killed himself, okay? Suicide was the best option for this guy.

    Mallory: Why?

    Scott: What?

    Lyle: No, no. Romeo set the standard for love.

    Samson: No, Shakespeare didn't know anything about love. The guy was a sexual deviant, okay? He couldn't keep his hands off himself. That's why his name was Shakespeare

    Narrator: It's true. Hardy, Dickens, Longfellow, all sex starved pen names.

    Samson: E. Cummings

    Scott: Updike

    Mallory: Margaret *Atewood*

    Samson: Dean *Cunts*

    Lyle: [Correcting their pronunciation] Atwood and Koontz.

    Scott: Balzac.

  • Lyle: [approaching Billy and Nick] Nice, there they are! Nice to meet you. I'm Lyle, one of the team managers. Pound me!

    [raises a fist]

    Billy McMahon: Oh, normally, just putting the... the fist up without the words is all that's necessary.

    Lyle: C'mon, bro. Fist me, get up in there.

    Nick Campbell: Yeah, that's definitely not right.

  • Lyle: Can we talk about the on the line thing for a minute?

  • Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said...

    [Bart whacks him with a shovel]

    Taggart: OW!

    Lyle: [writing] Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!

  • Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

    Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Murder... armed robbery... mayhem...

    Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?

    Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.

    Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!

    Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!

    Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.

    Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!

    [Hedley shoots the gum chewer]

    Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!

  • Taggart: The surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out.

    Lyle: Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.

    Taggart: *Horses*?

    [hits Lyle's head]

    Taggart: We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy! Send over a couple of niggers.

  • Taggart: Now what the hell do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?

    Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck. You talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

    Taggart: Well, now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker'n any Indian! I am depressed.

    Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?

    Taggart: That might help.

    Lyle: All right, boys! On the count of three!

    Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

    Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alkie. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

    [Jim blows on his fingertips]

    Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One... two... three!

    [Jim draws. The cowboys' guns are suddenly shot of their hands in quick succession. Cut back to Jim, his arms folded, smoke pouring from his holsters]

    Bart: Well, don't just sit there lookin' stupid, graspin' your hands in pain. How 'bout a little...

    [he draws his own gun]

    Bart: ... applause for the Waco Kid?

    [dumbfounded, Taggart and his men start clapping]

  • Lyle: Now, come on, boys! Where's your spirit? I don't hear no singin'. When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Go on, how 'bout a good ol' nigger work song?

  • Lyle: [railroad workers are singing "I Get A Kick Out of You"] Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit? I meant a song. A real song. something like

    [singing]

    Lyle: Swing Low/ Sweet Chaaaariooooot

    [workers look confused]

    Lyle: Don't know that one, huh?

  • [first lines]

    Lyle: Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degree. Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen.

  • Lyle: [after the farting] How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?

    Taggart: [fans his hat in the air] I'd say you've had enough!

  • Lyle: Over there in that pigpen, I found a couple of Shoshoni arrowheads.

  • Lyle: Son, I want you to have this. I want you to have my cock ring.

  • Fidget: No! I want to go home! I don't want to be in show business anymore!

    Cecil: I knew you were the weak one, Fidget. Just remember, your parents liked Godzilla.

    Lyle: They wouldn't even let you see R-rated films as a child.

    Dinah: They've never even been to a midnight movie.

    Chardonnay: They enjoy classic TV sitcoms turned into feature length films.

    Cherish: They've never rented a porno movie.

    Cecil: And to top it all off, they talk out loud in the theatre once the feature has begun.

    Honey: Oh, that really is unforgivable, Fidget.

    Fidget: Okay, okay! My parents are the enemies of film!

  • Honey: How can you be a drug addict in the new millennium? It's so retro.

    Lyle: Before I was a drug addict, I had so many different problems. Now I just have one - drugs! Gave my life a real focus.

  • [filming a scene for "Raving Beauty"]

    Honey: It's that fucking new multiplex that opened in the mall, isn't it?

    Cherish: I heard they were sold out last night, mom.

    Lyle: No, not for the Flinstones sequel...!

  • Lyle: Let him go.

    Ernest P. Worrell: Lyle! You talk! That's great!

    Rubin Bartlett: Have you flipped? Come on, we've got to get of this guy before he blows the whole thing!

    Lyle: No! He's different than us!

    Rubin Bartlett: [before Lyle knocks him out] Shut up and get out of my way!

    Lyle: You better go. Mister Nash is probably robbing the bank right now.

    Ernest P. Worrell: Nash? Well, come with me.

    Lyle: I don't belong out there. I got a place in here.

    Ernest P. Worrell: Well, I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

    Lyle: Ernest, things won't be the same without you. You know what I mean?

  • Lyle: You must be Suzanne. You look pretty enough to eat.

  • Lyle: Don't piss on the seat, even if they did. It's bad luck.

  • Lyle: [Eats a sandwich belonging to a man he just shot in the forehead] Mm... it's TURKEY!... one of my favorites.

  • Lyle: [Hitman Lyle from Dallas finds Michael laying down in the middle of the road] What the fuck are you doing?

    Michael Williams: My car broke down.

    Lyle: Where? I don't see a car.

    Michael Williams: It's just over that ridge.

    Lyle: 'Just over that ridge', huh? Well you're one lucky son of a bitch, aren't you? If I hadn't had my brakes just done, I'd be picking your brains out of my radiator. Fuck.

    Michael Williams: Look, I hate to ask you this, but do you think you could give me a ride?

    Lyle: I don't know. You're not dangerous, are you?

  • Lyle: Wayne? She got away. The cowboy was here, they got the jump on me.

    Wayne: Do you know where they went?

    Lyle: Hell, no. How could I? I've been staring at my eyelids for the last hour and a half.

  • Lyle: This place sucks ass!

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