Lydia Quotes in Blood Father (2016)

Link: No, no, there's no winning or losing.

Link: You either want to wake up in the morning or you don't.

Link: And if you can't find a way to live with yourself well then, why run? why come to me? why do any of this?

Lydia: I don't wanna die.

Link: What was that?

Lydia: I don't wanna die.

Link: That's right.

Link: You don't wanna die.

Link: Because you're a 17 year old kid and you've got a lot to live for.

Link: You may not want to wake up tomorrow but the day after that, might just be great.

Link: Might be the best fucking day of your life.

Link: You know?

Link: You don't want to miss it right?

Lydia: You ever think about... what the world would be like without you? If I just went ahead and killed myself this would all be over.

Link: Oh, so that's where we're at, giving up. Fine. You kill yourself then I'll kill myself and I'll take some innocent people with me. How'd that be?

Lydia: You think I'm kidding, Dad, but I've tried.

Link: Yeah, so have I, plenty of times. Where's that got us?

Lydia: I took all of my stepdad's pills when I was twelve.

Link: Girls take pills when they want somebody to find them.

Lydia: I tried to hang myself when I was ten years old.

Link: Well, that didn't work very well.

Lydia: You understand what I'm trying to tell you?

Link: Yeah, sure. Congratulations.

Lydia: I was ten years old.

Link: I knew a ten-year-old kid, killed his whole family with a rock.

Lydia: What the fuck does that mean? Why don't you ever listen to me?

Link: I'm listening, okay.

Link: [Points to the top of his head] Look. Feel this, right up here.

Lydia: No.

Link: Yes, come on, it's important. Feel it, come on.

Lydia: [Touches his head] Oh my god. What is that?

Link: Yeah, drove my bike off a cliff on the PCH, split my head wide open. The point is I meant to do it, but they saved my ass anyway and there's a steel plate in my head. And look at this.

Lydia: No. I don't want to. You're a fucking Cyborg.

Link: I opened up my wrists in prison. Then I got sepsis, spent two months in the prison hospital watching game shows then I really wanted to kill myself.

Lydia: Alright, you win.

Link: No, there's no winning or losing. You either wanna wake up in the morning or you don't, and if you can't find a way to live with yourself, well then, why run? Why come to me, why do any of this?

Lydia: I don't wanna die.

Link: That's right, you don't wanna die. Cause you're a seventeen-year-old kid and you got a lot to live for. Okay? You may not wanna wake up tomorrow, but the day after that might just be great. Might be the best fucking day of your life. You know? You don't wanna miss it, right?

Lydia: [In an AA support group] I've been sober a year, but I miss my Dad so much that sometimes I can't sleep at night, but I tell myself that he's watching over me. Sometimes there's this shame that almost breaks my back, but I tell myself, when you owe your life to someone, you better live it... So I just say thank you.

Lydia: I don't wanna say too much because you see my boyfriend wanted us to get married so I wouldn't be able to testify against him in court.

Link: Pretty romantic.

Adam: You can see us without the sheets?

Lydia: Of course I can see you.

Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?

Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual". I myself am strange and unusual.

Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.

Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?

Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.

Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.

Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.

Lydia: Are you a ghost too?

Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.

Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How're ya doin?

Lydia: [Gasps] Ah B-Beetle!

Beetlejuice: Yes! Now for part two...

Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Beetle... Breakfast... Orange... Liquid... Beetle Juice?

Beetlejuice: Yes! You said it!

Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?

Beetlejuice: You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time!

Lydia: Wait a minute... it was you, you were the snake.

Beetlejuice: What are you talking about a snake?

[scoffs]

Adam: You've read our book?

Lydia: Yeah.

Adam: You can follow it?

Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?

Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.

Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.

Otho: [while Lydia shows them the attic] Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted.

Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.

Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?

Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!

Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.

Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.

Charles: As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a dark room in the basement, okay?

Lydia: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.

Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

[On the new house]

Lydia: Delia hates it.

[sees a HUGE spider on a web]

Lydia: I could live here.

Lydia: [Lydia is writing a suicide note] I am alone.

[throws paper away and starts over]

Lydia: I am *utterly* alone.

Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?

Adam: We're ghosts!

Lydia: What do you look like under there?

Adam: Aren't you scared?

Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?

Adam: Night of the what?

Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.

Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.

Lydia: [while eating Cantonese food] I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.

Preacher: And you, do you Lydia, take this man...?

Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle...

Beetlejuice: [Covers Lydia's mouth] She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?

[speaks in Lydia's voice]

Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.

Lydia: They don't wanna come down.

Delia: Charles...

Otho: Why not?

Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.

Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.

Lydia: If you are real ghosts, you guys better get another routine because those sheets, they don't work.

Lydia: I was just trying to open the door. Mrs. Butterfield brought over a skeleton key.

Charles: Let me have it.

Lydia: But it doesn't work.

[She hands her father the key. He looks at it and throws it in the corner]

Charles: Skeleton keys never work. Anyway, this can wait. We'll get a crowbar later. Where's your mother?

Lydia: Stepmother.

Charles: I'm going down to relax. I want a noise-free zone. Do you understand? Noise-free.

[he goes down the stairs]

Lydia: Dad?

Charles: [irritated, over his shoulder] What?

Lydia: I'm lonely.

Charles: What?

Lydia: Nothing.

Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart...

[kisses her and forces her out his study room]

Charles: Go help your mother.

Lydia: Maybe *you* can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.

Lydia: [On Otho's seance] Wait... what am I worried about, Otho, you can't even change a tire.

Lydia: [Lydia hears wild moaning through the wall and assumes it's her stepmother Delia] God how can you stand that woman...

Beetlejuice: You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing... it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem. I got these friends I said I'd meet, and it's the kind of thing where I have to be there in person, so could you help me get out of here?

Lydia: I want to get in.

Beetlejuice: Why?... You know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, then maybe we could talk or something.

Barbara: What's wrong?

Lydia: Beetle...

Barbara: Shhh!

Lydia: HE told me that if I could let him out, he would take me to the other side to find you.

Barbara: Lydia, we're dead.

Lydia: Well, I want to be dead too.

Barbara: No! Lydia, being dead really doesn't make things any easier.

Adam: Listen to her on this, Lydia, this is something we know a lot about!

Lydia: They wanted me to dissect a frog, I told them it was against my religion.

Lydia: Gerry, I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary.

Lydia: I'm trying to be your girlfriend Gerry! I'm trying to win you back! I'm standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry Fucking Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid and that I may reboard the train. Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City, "We suggest you take the bus"! That's what I have been trying to do, you cripple!

Lydia: Who's there?

Helen: It's Helen, actually. We met once, I interrupted you faking your orgasm. Sorry I can't be more specific.

Lydia: I just thought of a great ending for your book... THE END.

Lydia: Selfish people live longer.

Carly Whitten: You wrecked two marriages!

Lydia: One of them was mine, so that doesn't count.

Carly Whitten: He's married, OK. He has a wife.

Lydia: And you don't think you can take her?

Bernard: How's it going, Lyds?

Lydia: Bloody awful.

Bernard: Oh dear, what's the problem?

Lydia: I was promised sex. Everybody said it. You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex, you'll be fighting 'em off. But not so much as a tongue in sight.

Bernard: Well, I mean, if you fancy anything, I could always...

Lydia: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. I'm not that desperate.

Father Gerald: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, & the Holy Spirit, Amen. Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a mystery. A symbol of Christ's love for his children. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your son Jesus Christ our Lord who lives and wraiths with you and the Holy Ghoat. Eh *Ghost.* One God, forever and ever, Amen.

Matthew: This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.

Charles: Ahhh, Excellent!

Father Gerald: Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

Bernard: I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

Father Gerald: ...why I, Lydia...

Bernard: ...why I, Bernard...

Father Gerald: Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...

Bernard: Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin Delainey...

Father Gerald: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.

Bernard: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.

Father Gerald: Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

Lydia: I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

Father Gerald: May not be Johned in matrimony...

Lydia: May not be *joined* in matrimony...

Father Gerald: to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.

Lydia: to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.

Father Gerald: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...

Bernard: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...

Father Gerald: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.

Bernard: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful* wedded wife.

Father Gerald: *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.

Congregation: Amen!

Gareth: Bravo! Bravo!

[Everyone cheers]

Lydia: [Suddenly passionate] Bernard!

Lydia: I have never been through a dating period.

Anne Napolitano: It's a disgusting process. You haven't missed a thing.

Anne Napolitano: You're not so invisible. You want a personality? Try this on for size: you can be a real bitch sometimes.

Lydia: [Lydia begins to smile and starts laughing] Really...?

Anne Napolitano: [smiling] Yeah!

Lydia: [laughing] Wow!

Anne Napolitano: I know, I know - it feels great!

Anne Napolitano: [upon Lydia's arrival for a manicure] Can I getchoo something, l'il kawfee?

Lydia: No.

Anne Napolitano: L'il tea?

Lydia: No.

Anne Napolitano: L'il tequilaaaaah?

Lydia: How much?

Jack Lucas: Well, you're a store member, so we could probably...

Anne Napolitano: [firmly] Forty bucks.

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.

[Curly and Larry laugh]

Moe: [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]

Moe: Are they awake now?

Lydia: Those three idiots are here!

Mac: [looking around] The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.

Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?

Moe: It's us, it's Moe...

Larry: Larry...

Curly: And Curly.

Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?

Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.

Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!

Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.

Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.

Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.

Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.

Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?

Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.

Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?

Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?

Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.

Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.

Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.

Mac: Not a problem.

[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]

Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?

Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.

Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.

[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]

Curly: Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!

[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]

Larry: Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!

Curly: Rowf, rowf, rowf!

[Curly pants like a dog]

Moe: Spread out!

Moe: [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?

Lydia: I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.

Curly: Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?

Lydia: [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-aah-aah!

[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]

Moe: Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!

Lydia: But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.

Larry: Says who?

Mac: [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.

Moe: Who are you?

Mac: I'm her husband.

[Mac kisses Lydia]

Larry: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?

Mac: Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...

Curly: No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.

[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]

Mac: [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Mac: Ohh!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, "coma-toes", huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Moe: Are they awake now?

[Curly growls]

Mac: Gentlemen,

[the Stooges look around, unaware that Mac is referring to them]

Mac: Gentlemen.

Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.

Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.

Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.

Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?

Lydia: I did.

Larry: [Larry whistles "Whew"] That's a good day's pay.

Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.

Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!

Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.

Moe: [the Stooges hitch a ride by hanging on to the rear bumper of Lydia's car, then they get off as they arrive at Teddy's mansion] Hey, do you smell garbage burning?

Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges look down and see that their shoe soles have been worn down and smoking from dragging on the ground; they start rapidly stamping to put out the fumes] Nyah-ah-aah!

Lydia: [gasps] What are you doing here?

Moe: We want the dough-re-mi you owe us, lady.

Curly: Yeah, 830,000 bucks.

Larry: Plus meals.

Carbunkle: May I have a moment, ma'am?

Lydia: Excuse me, gentlemen.

[Lydia goes aside to talk with Carbuncle]

Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.

Curly: But don't forget to dot the I's.

Moe: Certainly.

[Moe finger-pokes Curly in the eyes; Larry chuckles, and puts his hand up sideways to block Moe's eye poke attempt]

Larry: Nyahhh.

[Larry sticks his tongue out at Moe, who hits him on the forehead with his fist]

Larry: Ugh, ooh!

Carbunkle: [to Lydia] I'm afraid I have unfortunate news: I've just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.

Lydia: Oh no, so Mac is dead?

Carbunkle: No.

Lydia: No? Are you sure?

Carbunkle: Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape. Your husband is in contact with the hospital. He said he'd call with any news.

Lydia: Thank you, Carbunkle.

[Carbunkle goes back inside]

Larry: Come on blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal!

[Lydia slaps all three Stooges with one stroke]

Lydia: Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died, and on that count, you have failed miserably.

Moe: You mean he's still kicking?

Lydia: That's right, you idiots. You have ruined my life, now get out of here!

[Lydia knocks all three Stooges over the wall and onto the outside lawn]

Mac: [Mac has a scratched face from his disastrous encounter with the zoo's lion] I don't get you, Lydia. Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Teddo? I thought we were trying to kill the guy!

Lydia: We are, I just want lots of witnesses for when that dope accidentally falls head first from that balcony.

Mac: Ohhh.

Mr. Harter: Well... you two are certainly looking rather cozy.

[Mac and Lydia laugh]

Mr. Harter: Good lord Mac, what- what happened to your face?

Mac: New kitty.

Mr. Harter: Ah.

Mac: I'm gonna go freshen up my drink.

Mac: [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes?

Mac: I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes, yes?

Mac: But, do not turn on the lights.

Moe, Larry, Curly: No, no, no.

Moe: Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?

Mac: Well, I want it to be a surprise.

Moe: Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?

Mac: Bingo.

Larry: Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!

Larry: [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!

Moe: [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.

Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lydia: [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!

Moe: What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!

Larry: Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.

Lydia: Huh?

Larry: Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.

Lydia: [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!

Larry: [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?

Lydia: [with clenched teeth] Those three idiots are here.

Mac: The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

Lydia: No, the three bums! They crashed the party!

Mac: Oh God, we got to get them out of here before they ruin everything.

Mac: [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...

Lydia: [screaming at Mac] Shut up!

Mac: You shut up!

Policeman #3: Just get in there.

Mac: [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.

Policeman #3: I don't care.

Teddy: It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?

Lydia: Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?

Teddy: Uh... no.

[the Stooges gasp in shock]

Teddy: That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.

Policeman #3: Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.

Moe: [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."

Teddy: [the Stooges, Teddy, Mac, Mr. Harter and Lydia are all passengers in Mr. Harter's car] I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?

Mr. Harter: Well, son, I didn't get rich... simply by... lawyering. I married into it. Unfortunately, when your mom passed away, she left everything to you.

Mac: So you were just using me to do your dirty work?

Lydia: Oh, heh, you cracked the code.

Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?

Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.

Lydia: Who's Nippy?

Curly: Him.

[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]

Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!

Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!

Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?

[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn." ]

Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?

Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.

Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.

Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.

Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?

[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]

Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.

Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?

Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?

Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.

Moe: Why you...

[Moe bonks Larry on the head]

Larry: Ow!

Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!

[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]

Curly: Maybe that's not such a -

[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]

[C.D. drops from a tree in front of the ladies]

C.D. Bales: Where am I?

Nina: You're in Nelson.

C.D. Bales: Nelson? Why, I'm home. They brought me home!

[waves to sky]

C.D. Bales: Bye! What day is it?

Nina: Friday. "Dallas" is on.

C.D. Bales: Friday? Then it took no time! It didn't exist in time!

Dottie: What?

C.D. Bales: The spacecraft! I was walking along, and a spacecraft landed right in front of me.

Lydia: I read about this in the Enquirer. Did it have lights on it?

C.D. Bales: Lights? You never saw so many lights! It was like Broadway! Then this door opened. A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms! He walked like this:

[makes pucker sounds]

C.D. Bales: Then he took his palms, put them right on my face. Took me over to Roxanne's house, because they wanted to observe me.

Dottie: At Roxanne's house?

C.D. Bales: That's where they are right now!

Dottie: Ah, this is bullshit. We'll miss "Dallas", come on, girls, let's go.

C.D. Bales: You think I'm nuts, don't you? They wanted to ask me about older women.

Nina: Why?

C.D. Bales: Because they wanted to have sex with them.

Sophie: Where?

C.D. Bales: Here! Right here in Nelson. They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote, "they really know what they're doing."

Lydia: We do!

Sophie: It's been so long!

Dottie: Oh, girls, girls! Do you actually believe that there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women?

[pause]

Dottie: Let's go and check it out!

Lydia: ...that's when I knew I was really on my own.

[while crying]

Lydia: Two fingers is a curve ball, right?

Jack "Duece" Cooper: That's a peace sign, I think.

[first lines]

Lydia: Hey! Don't throw that kid in the pool!

Miss Berg: Where's his application?

Lydia: He doesn't have one.

Miss Berg: Well, get him one!

[Watching Leroy's dance moves]

Miss Berg: What do you call that?

Lydia: Wicked!

Isaac: Who's gonna have that pie?

Lydia: I don't know. I wanna eat it. I think I'm gonna have it.

Isaac: These are drawings.

[Everybody laughs]

Mr. Mungo: Perhaps you could spare one or two bites for young Aaron.

Aaron: Oh, no. Really, I couldn't.

Lydia: When Aaron here works for his meal the way I did, he can have some.

Mr. Mungo: That wouldn't be feasible.

Lydia: [Sarcastic] With you, who knows?

Mark: There's no privacy left. Last week, Lydia and I were at home, it was a Sunday morning.

Lydia: Mark?

Mark: This is true. And we started kissing...

Lydia: Mark!

Mark: And the next thing, you know, we were on the floor and I was having...

Lydia: Are you crazy? You know, he's drunk.

Mark: On the kitchen floor, on the living room floor.

Lydia: I got to admit it was a surprise.

Mark: Did it not happen that way? So, the door opens and the Superintendent, he has the key, barges in...

Lydia: Stop it.

Mark: Some kind of plumbing leak and we are in in flagrant...

Lydia: You know what this one does, he gets up stark naked and he says, "Mr. Fanducci, this is not the pipe that needs fixing."

Mark: I was quick, Ken. Very quick. Could you have come up with anything quick, Ken?

Ken: No.

Mark: That was grace under pressure.

Lydia: Affection is one thing - licking each other in public is another matter.

Lydia: Why is it you think sex is the answer to all your personal problems?